Complete list of nominations for September, 2005

SEPTEMBER 2005 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2005

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Adrian Hickford with:
"Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation" by Lynne Truss =
Bet proven author's style can train us to analyze & use the apostrophe, colons, etc.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is unread. =
It's true! Wilde ended in a terrible, austere jail, based just on his main flair, a rather unnatural need for cute men.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Sir Arnold Bax said (sort of!): "One should try everything in life once, except incest and morris dancing; ~
unicycling; any sort of shellfish; Rotterdam; Dido concerts; Indian beer and xeroxing one's privates."

David Bourke with:
The Canadian snooker player Clifford Charles Devlin Thorburn =
His partner for clinical hundred-and-forty-seven break? Alcohol!

David Bourke with:
Heather Mills-McCartney's autobiography 'A Single Step' =
'Stumpy: Her story'
- Policeman tangles.
- I shag a rich Beatle.

David Bourke with:
The late legendary American rock guitarist Jimi Hendrix =
Rather major USA genitalia...extremely rigid ten-inch dick!

David Bourke with:
Debbie Lawson, the neo-natal manager at the Calderdale Royal Hospital, Halifax, West Yorkshire. =
- "Ahh! How really sweet!"
- "Halt!" she snarled, irked. "No cooing at babies at all!".
Extremely daft paranoia.

David Bourke with:
The International Association of Fully Clothed Naturists =
Holiday action? No tit, cunt, arsehole, nuts nor stiffies at all!

David Bourke with:
The hit single "Ebony and Ivory" by Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney =
Yes, that blind coon and very, very rich Beatle spew annoying tedium!

Rosie Perera with:
Monty Python humor: "Look, it's people like you what cause unrest!" =
How? Oh, shout insult (not on topic): "Your type really makes me puke!"

Rosie Perera with:
"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel" (Samuel Johnson) =
Jihad (one unpeaceful slog) is the last summons of a terrorist.

Chris Sturdy with:
'Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend' by Marilyn Monroe =
I'm randy. I'd marry bin Laden for some real big stones!

Chris Sturdy with:
Snowdonia National Park and North Wales Tourist Information =
We hadn't a lot of options...
mountain rain, or walks, or stand in rain!

View with:
The workers have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to gain. Workers of the world, unite!=
Labourers, after chains withdrew, they shall have the right to good work, to own union...even to strike, eh!

THE AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY

The subject text:
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

1st - Cory Calhoun with:
I, George W. Bush, an evil Republican fascist, used God to inflict pain on the world, end life, facilitate death, create militant jihad rebels, and to let youths die for nothing.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
I'll always eat McDonalds, elect Bush, own fifteen guns (in total), join the N.R.A, protect Israel if hit, hate Fidel, diet, be litigious, avoid church and... I pretend to be God-fearing.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
I, Tony Blair, pledge allegiance to the President, Bush, and attest that, if directed, I will: act under his influence, lie on his behalf, advocate jingoism, go to war for fun. Do it!

Richard Brodie with:
Of liberties once in "Tea? Cast it!" Spring
We free of courted leagues in hope could sing;
That birth fruit dead in this vain jaded Fall,
Allied, by tooth and nail to them we cling.

David Bourke with:
The dear President (a choice imbecile and an unethical fool):
"Offhand, I'd figure that's just evidently a pledge...it's got lots of big intellectual words within it!" (A no-brainer!)

David Bourke with:
I'd prefer allegiance, though, to bin Laden, terrorists left in Guantanamo Bay, violence, world conflict. Plot jihad against the West! Defeat the US! Die, idiotic infidel Bush!

Ellie Dent with:
I, George Bush, confirmed patriot, gotta hold on to big oil fields. In defence, I can use force. It's a pain, war, it is. But that'll end, and I defend it with every last cent. Hallelujah!

Dan Fortier with:
We promise to fight Talibanic judges who see "under God" unconstitutional : their effort to denigrate Biblical fact and the fine role it played in all this land's achieved.

Adrian Hickford with:
"I do hereby state that I will often initiate sale of arms; both support and defend all conflict; and have rather idiotic intelligence and unjustified logic."--George W. Bush.

Toby Gottfried with:
Friends, I daily fail to believe how a once-great nation did fall from grace, and half-elect as President this thin, little idiot-dauphin, George Bush, not just once, but twice !!

Meyran Kraus with:
Jingoist Feat

A gibe of one valiant student
Baffled all with a charge so imprudent:
"I can daily recite
The detailed Bill of Rights -
Which is one note our president couldn't!"

Krudmonger with:
Hi. Can't Democrats and Republicans get along fine? If I doubt it, why fib? Please treat ideological hive differences as hurdles to a jilted nation hurtling down the toilet.

Paul Pan with:
G. W. Bush: I taunt the state, and fail to blush;
Condi Rice: Hottest neocon bigot, I entice;
Richard Perle: I a fatty jingo fief's Earl;
Donald Rumsfeld: Evil towelhead in pain, I geld.

Rosie Perera with:
I help other countries solve their own problems; I detain drug addicts in jail, indulge the affluent, watch football, get fattily obese; I ignore Canadians...and the deficit!

Hans-Peter Reich with:
"No. I salute financial wealth (but not if it gains for the negroid people), fat clinics, this battle over jihad, elected leaders (be it through election fraud), and dying wisdom."

Don Rogers with:
I'll be faithful to death, write to the Tribune editor, cheer each sporting deed while succeeding, avoid no forbidden fat. Just as long as it impinges financially not at all.

Chris Sturdy with:
though I'm not sure I believe all that. It's not as if we enjoy protection (see disgrace left at New Orleans) and if Halliburton fiddle a high-paid building contract, I'd defect!

View with:
Hi. I'm a bigot. I can't stand all the different races in the land -- Negros, Jews, Yellows, Latinos, Hindu, etc. But I love diet cola, hot coffee, pie, beer, pudding. A fat rural idiot thing.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man in a supermarket line sees that a gorgeous blonde in front of him is waving hello. He's rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and, although familiar, he can't place her, so he says, "Sorry, do I know you?"

She replies, "I could be mistaken, but you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind darts back to the one and only time he was unfaithful. "Oh, darn it!" he says. "You're that stripper I screwed on the pool table in front of all my pals while your friend lashed my arse with wet celery."

"No," she replies. "I'm your son's English teacher.

=

It was a bleak Monday morning and the harrassed mother was having a hellish time preparing her son Kenneth for school.

"Why won't you understand, mother!" he shrieked. "I am so unhappy. It is awful. Nobody likes me! The meanie teachers don't like me (sniff); the horrible kids all hate me (sniff). I can't face them! I won't go to school! I won't!

"Kenneth, pull yourself together!" said his mother. "Bear up! Life isn't always easy. Sure school can be tough; sure it can be rough - but, as you are forty years old and the school Principal, I'm afraid you really will have to be there."

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
House of the Rising Sun (traditional version)

There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun.
It's been the ruin of many a poor girl,
And me, Oh Lord, I'm one.

If I'd listened to what my mama said,
I'd be back home today.
But I was young and foolish,
I let a rambler lead me astray.

My mama she's a tailor,
She sewed my new blue jeans.
My lover, he's a gambler, Lord, Lord,
Drinks down in New Orleans.

Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and a trunk.
And the only time he'll be satisfied
Is when he's falling down drunk.

He fills his glasses to the brim,
Passes them all around,
Only thing he wants out of life
Is to roam from town to town.

Please tell my baby sister
Not to do like I have done,
Shun that house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun.

I got one foot on the platform,
The other one on the train.
I'm going back to New Orleans
To wear that ball and chain.

Yes I'm going back to New Orleans,
My race is almost run.
Going back to spend the rest of my days
In that House of the Rising Sun.

=

New Orleans: A reply
By God

Let me begin with a joke. I know, it's a bit harsh, but work with me.
A Christian, I'll call him Glenn, sits on his roof surrounded by a flood- Erm, make it a mud slide. Suddenly, one man floats by in a boat. "Get in!", he advises. "No! God will bail me out!", answers Glenn, and the boat goes on without him. An hour later, a family rows by in a canoe. "Get in!", they tell him. "No! God will bail me out!", says Glenn again, his sheens now muddy, and it rows on. An hour later, a ferry comes near. "Get in!", order the ones on it. "No!", Glenn insists as the mud almost reaches his mouth, "God will bail me out!". As it drifts on, Glenn sinks and dies.
In the hereafter, a bitter Glenn yells at me: "I'm a loyal Christian! Why have thou forsaken me?" "Forsaken?!" I respond, "Moron! I sent the boat, the canoe, the ferry..."

So yes, Katrina was my bad, but I sent a lot of warnings to officials: "Augment the levees", "Help the poor masses", "Hold on to the troops"... And noone heard me.

Humans can't merely wish for things. They should also *listen*.

3rd - Larry Brash with:
An elderly woman has been admitted to a nursing home. The nurses are all extremely friendly and attentive. They get her settled into a big comfortable armchair in the day room with all the other residents.

During the course of her first day, one of the nurses notices that the frail old lady is leaning sharply over to the right in her chair, so rushes over to her and props her back up with a pillow. A short time later, the nurse sees her leaning over to the left, and again kindly pushes back her into an upright position. This occurs many times during the day. A nurse straightens her up each time she leans over.

That evening the woman's son comes in to visit and asks her how her first day in the home has been. "Well, it has been just great, my dear. Yes, I am very contented" she replies.

"How are they caring for you, Mom?" he asks.

"They are all really beautiful and kind, except there is one problem... they won't let me fart!"

=

A lady of mature years consults her family doctor.

"What's the problem affecting you, then, dear?" he asks her.

"I have a frightfully strange problem with gas. Really bad! I'll pass it recurrently day and night. In fact, just within the short time I have been here in your room, I have passed gas nine times."

"Nine, huh? That's horrific! There there!"

"However, here's another rather strange thing...they are completely odorless and silent...can it harm me?"

"Huh? Never! Let me examine you."

After he's done, the doctor says: "I think that I have an answer to the problem. Here, take one of these very strong prescription tablets three times a day, and return here in the week to see me "

The old lady later returns, but says, "I'm here 'cos that new medicine's no damn good! I still pass gas silently, but now the damn stench is repugnant!"

The doctor then replies, "Hang on, it looks like I have fixed your sinus problem...now I shall order you a hearing aid!"

David Bourke with:
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Well, I was told outside that...

Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

What?

Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!

Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT. I'm not going to stand...!!

Oh, I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Ah yes, you want room 12A.

Oh, thank you very much. Sorry.

Not at all.

Thank you.

(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

=

What do you want, mate?

- Well, I was told the Forum was 1: a fun, very friendly
place to post either a humorous or literary anagram, and 2: that...

- Don't give me that, you obnoxious waste-of-space!

- Pardon? I thought surely that...

- Oh, so you *thought*, did you, moron? Tut! Dang newbies!
Come in here, making out that they can...

- Sorry?

- Probably don't even speak English! Yugoslavia?

- I say! Look here, you utterly pompous, stuffy rotter! Step outside, sir!

- Shut it, OK Mike?

Ellie Dent with:
MORNING POEM

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my windowsill.

He sang a song, so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far-off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his stupid head.

I am not a morning person.

=

MORE IMAGERY

Once, a very poor woman couldn't afford to buy food. One day she was praying for help, and a plump yellow bird flew through an open window.

Its song was annoying, lusty, endless... till she fed it handfuls of pills. Later, her friend called by.

" Have you seen that canary belonging to the neighbours?" "No. Sorry, must go... there's my oven-timer."

It's written God can see all things: so he that hungers is much blest, said the old woman, licking her dinner plate.

Ellie Dent with:
R.I.P. (A Sad Story)

A boy goes to school and while he's there, his pet cat gets run over and killed. His mother is very concerned how he'll take the news. Later when he gets home again, she gently explains the tragedy and consoles him, saying, "Oh, now, please don?t worry, you don't have to feel bad. I promise the cat's fine now, up in Heaven above with God."

The boy said "What?s God gonna do with a dead cat?"

=

HAPPY ENDING (for one cat)

An arthritic old cat dies and goes to Heaven. God gives him a big bouncy pillow. He knows that he'd always had to sleep on a hard floor.

When six mice die, God provides them with roller skates so that they won't have to run anywhere.

Then one day when God sees the cat on his pillow, the cat says: "It's good here... and those meals-on-wheels you?ve been sending by are great!

Rosie Perera with:
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Well, I was told outside that...
Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
What?
Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!
Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT. I'm not going to stand...!!
Oh, I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Ah yes, you want room 12A.
Oh, thank you very much. Sorry.
Not at all.
Thank you.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!
=
Whose castle is this?
...
I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
(Burp!)
Oh, shut up, you fat knavish Vikings! Go eat vats of lark's vomit. O you, you nasty gouty thugs. You puppy-dog bastard mutt-boy! Thththtpth!
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
No! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.
[exit]

Rosie Perera with:
We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.
=
A great document. Too bad nobody in the U.S. ever learns anything apart from the first three words of it, and maybe a paraphrase of one or two of the amendments (freedom of speech, entitled to use bullets, freedom to petition the Lord, liquor is out...then in, etc.). I list issues: juries, courts, presidents & free elections run civil societies.

Chris Sturdy with:
"When the Tories tell you the next election will be between old Labour versus new Conservatives, tell them the truth. The next election must and will be new Labour renewed against a Conservative Party still incapable of renewal."

Gordon Brown

=

When I say renew, Tony must expect to be axed soon. Even he cannot win a fourth term - Revive to Survive and all that. I'll not be a Chancellor, President Blair! We went to war with Bush telling UN we'll see a little result!

Go on, rebel! Rebel now! Deselect TB.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two anagrams of a sonnet by Wilde

2nd - Chris Sturdy with:
Blowin' in the wind by Bob Dylan

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

=

Oh Man by A N.O. Man

How many hurricanes must hit New Orleans
Before men admit they're the boss?
Yes, 'n' how many times must those damn levees break
Before Mr. Bush gives a toss?
Yes, 'n' how many claims must a householder make
With no money seen for his loss?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

What kind of a planet will our kids see
Without any ice caps 'n' oil?
Yes, 'n' why do the States divide man by race
Yet expect people all to be loyal?
Yes 'n' why do tax breaks reward the well off
When the poor receive none as they toil?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How does that Bush man justify war
And how does he feel he can sleep?
Yes 'n' many an Arab hit as a man
An enemy sown, now they reap;
Yes 'n' anyone beaten by mean FEMA men
May feel abandonment deep.
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The Children's Bill of Rights

One day, my son came home from school
With this grin upon his face.
Thought he was smarter than me,
His Mom, and could put me in my place.

HE SAID:
Guess what? I learned today about
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAID:
I don't have to clean my room,
I don't have to cut my hair.
No one tells me what I have to eat,
My freedom of speech is guaranteed.
It's my choice of what I read, or watch on TV.

I have freedom of religion, too,
And regardless of what you say,
I don't have to ask your God for help, no way.
I DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
I can wear an earring in my ear
And if I want, can pierce my nose.
It is my choice if I so desire,
To tattoo Satan's numbers across my toes.

AND if you ever try to spank me,
I will charge you with the crime,
And I can back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind

HE SAID:
Don't expect to touch me,
This body is only for my use,
Not for your hugs and your kisses and stuff,
That's just another form of child abuse.

HE CONTINUED with:
Now don't fill my head with morals,
Like your mama did to you,
That's what's called mind control,
And it's quite illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
You can't do a thing to me,
I can call Children's Services,
They're better known as CSD.

=

Matriarchal Commitment: A Mom's Dilemma

My first instinct was to show
This child of mine the door!
But this was my chance to teach him
A lesson and… oh, much more.

The next day we went shopping,
I'd called the CSD: they said they didn't
Mind or care if I bought him scummy shoes,
Or this year's matching modern pair.

I SAID:
There is no time, or snacks
To munch. Follow the CSD, and
Take advice. Do us all a favor by
Making YOURSELF a lunch.

So what if you're too hungry
To wait till dinnertime?
We are having liver and onions,
'Cause it's a favorite dish of mine.

HE ASKED
Can we stop to find a movie,
And watch it on the VCR?
Oh my child! I sold the one in your
Room and purchased new tires for my car.

Fact is I also rented out your room,
As you don't strictly need the bed.
CSD says all that's required of me
Is to put a roof above your head.

But I can buy the childish clothes,
And healthy foods you eat.
Spare cash sums I have left, mine,
Will buy me something really neat.

It's no more eating after we shop,
No more joking along the way.
I, too have a BILL OF RIGHTS,
That comes into effect today!

Oh, what is the matter darling,
Are you crying? Praying down there on
Your knees? Are you asking God for help?
WHY NOT CALL THE CSD?

David Bourke with:
There is a house in New Orleans,
They call the Rising Sun,
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And god I know....I'm one.

=

Gosh, Katrina's in the headlines
Boo hoo! I wanna cry!
No, it's no fun being lonely underwater,
...Yes, in The Superdome am I!

Richard Brodie with:
Remove each and every Jew who is in Palestine, okay?
=
Jah! Si! Si! Khrap! Evet! Ney! Ydw! Men Leo! We! Ere! Iva! Oc! Ano!
(Yes! in Estonian, Spanish, Thai, Turkish, Korean, Welsh, Lao, Creole, Kurdish, Maltese, Occitan, and Croat)

Ahoy! Ship the Moslems who are in Europe back to Arabia, huh?
=
Oh Ne! Bo! Bo! Pu Shi! Pu Shi! Hmar Te! Hmar Te! Siyo! Le! Cha! Kaore! Awa!
(No! in Czech, Lao, Chinese, Burmese, Swahili, Maltese, Zulu, Maori, and Creole)

Authority:
http://www.freelang.net/expressions/yes.html
http://www.freelang.net/expressions/no.html

Tony Crafter with:
Old Friends, sat on their park bench like bookends;
A newspaper blown through the grass,
Falls on the high toes of the round shoes of the Old Friends.
Old Friends, Winter companions the old men,
Lost in their overcoats waiting for the sunset.
The sounds of the city sifting through trees,
Settle like dust on the shoulders of the Old Friends.
Can you imagine us years from today,
Sharing a park bench quietly?
How terribly strange to be seventy.
Old Friends,memory brushes the same years,
Silently sharing the same fears.
Old Friends.

(Simon and Garfunkle)

=

Young Kids, sat watching banned Eminem vids,
A soda-pop left on the floor,
Spills on the brown soles of the Nikes on the Young Kids.
Young Kids, their life scanned through half-open eyelids,
Lost in that near-truth world of a chosen cartoon;
The sound of their cd's blasting smash hits,
Shatters the quiet in the households and the gardens.
Can you imagine them years from today?
Hellraisers, riff-raff, felons, fiends;
How terrible, washed-up at seventeen...
Young Kids, selflessness yet to be formed there,
Memories still to be born there.
Young Kids.

(Grrrrrrrr!)

Rosie Perera with:
Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
Just kicking down the cobble stones.
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.

Hello lamppost,
What cha knowing?
I've come to watch your flowers growing.
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' doo-doo,
Feelin' groovy.

Got no deeds to do,
No promises to keep.
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep.
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me.
Life, I love you,
All is groovy.
=
Speed up, you move too slow.
You've got to hurry, go go go!
Just looking lively, that's the ticket.
Act as if yer playing cricket!

Paul and Art, now,
What cha thinkin'?
I've got to wonder
What cha been drinkin'?
Simon, Simon (moron, fool), loafing's only folly.
Dootle-doo, now,
Let's move snappy!

Got so many deeds to do (for the film!) and promises to keep,
and miles to go before we sleep.
Old Mr. Morning will go forsworn.
Doodle-de-doo,
Get a move on!

The Anagrammy Awards

SEPTEMBER 2005 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY