Complete list of nominations for October, 2005

OCTOBER 2005 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2005

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The trial of president Saddam Hussein =
It sure is hard to defend this man's plea.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Margaret Thatcher is now eighty years old =
Sad geriatric Tory here. (The ghastly woman!)

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
French Connection UK set to drop their slogan =
Honest concern or not, I deplore that FCUK sign.

Larry Brash with:
Hurricane Wilma =
A cruel whim... rain.

Ellie Dent with:
Saddam Hussein, the former Iraqi dictator =
A horrific sadist made to squirm, he ranted.

Ellie Dent with:
Saddam Hussein, the former Iraqi dictator, ~
and a horrific sadist, made to squirm there.

Scott Gardner with:
The Iraqi Constitution =
Nation to critique this.

Linda Garner with:
Hurricane Wilma threatens Florida =
Nature's wrath came in, horrified all.

Toby Gottfried with:
The Trial of Saddam Hussein =
As death itself's around him.

Eric Lancaster with:
Sienna Miller's boyfriend =
Miseries, for I'll bed nanny!

Dean Mayer with:
The trial of Saddam Hussein begins =
Baghdad's testimonies - his funeral.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Civil Rights Pioneer Rosa Parks =
"Grr! I hope I spark historical events!"

Rick Rothstein with:
The trial of former President Saddam Hussein =
So, it made fine plans for this murderer's death.

Chris Sturdy with:
Bush: God told me to invade Iraq =
odd, bad motive - no equal rights!

Chris Sturdy with:
The Lost Generation =
Gone, silent to earth.

Chris Sturdy with:
Two thousand questions, no answers! =
US sons' deaths not news... Iraq: out now!

View with:
The Islamic Republic of Pakistan =
Brutal shake, panic, misfit police.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:

'Beyond Multiple Choice: Evaluating Alternatives to Traditional Testing for Selection' by Milton D. Hakel =

This guide is likely to be:

[ ] A little pedantic
[ ] Darn unconvincing
[ ] A totally tiresome torment
[*] All of the above.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Tony Blair's MG car crashed in a field and a farmer buried him.
"Was he dead?" said the police.
"He said 'no', but you know how he lies." =
When President Bush died, God (from a Celestial Chair) asked, "And who are you?"
"It's Bush!" he bellowed, "an' I'm afraid yo' in ma chair."

3rd - Chris Sturdy with:
scha·den·freu·de n.
Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others =
mas·och·ist n.
due unto an odd reverse, he preferred to suffer himself

David Bourke with:
The Libertines and Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty =
An established heroin dabbler. (Bet the syringe's empty!)

David Bourke with:
The President Of The United States Of America, George Walker "Dubya" Bush' =
Degree-less twit! Before Katrina issue, he thought FEMA "...a body part?". Dunce!

David Bourke with:
The Formula One Constructors World Championship title =
Which should come first? Top points to Renault or McLaren?

David Bourke with:
The sinking of the Argentinian cruiser The General Belgrano in the Falklands War =
Thatcher: Her rash, baffling order to kill awakening Latins' genuine intense anger.

David Bourke with:
'Beyond Multiple Choice: Evaluating Alternatives to Traditional Testing for Selection' by Milton D. Hakel =
I'd rated 'A' intelligent option?
Uh, maybe 'B'?
Or 'C'?
'D', statistically?
(I'm not keen on 'E').
'F's out, then!
I'll vacillate over 'G'.

Larry Brash with:
The most serious thing about having a colostomy bag? =
It's a laugh, man! I've got to buy matching shoes or boots.

David A. Green with:
The tightrope walker Charles Blondin (Jean-François Gravelet) =
Oh, can well get the jitters perched on brink over Niagara Falls.

Rosie Perera with:
The Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 bans the military from participating in police-type activity on U.S. soil. =
Yes, optimistic Bush tacitly fancies he can repeal it to import troops to stop city-aiming avian flu.

View with:
Herbert Spencer Time:That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him. =
In black night,
In white light
Seconds,
Minutes,
Years,
Will pitch in with remarkable rhythm.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
After the death of Quasimodo, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent out word that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided to hold the interviews in the belfry.

After hearing several applicants, the bishop decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him and said he wanted to apply for the job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," exclaimed the man. "Observe!"

He began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced that he had found a worthy replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"

=

And the following day, with an unbearable melancholy that weighed heavily on his tender heart due to the unfortunate death of the beloved, but armless, campanologist, the bishop came back up and continued the interviews for the one destined to be the new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man, who walked up and approached him, said,

"Your Excellency, I'm the brother of the armless chap who fell to a sudden and accidental death from the belfry yesterday. I request and pray that you honour his humble, worthwhile life by allowing me to be appointed for this job."

The bishop was quite moved and agreed to audition him, and, when the armless man's brother had bent over to pick up a small wooden mallet to hit the first bell, he moaned, clutched his chest, fell down and he died on the spot.

A few priests and nuns, all hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed upstairs to be on hand at his side.

"What has happened? Who is the deceased man?" the first priest pleaded breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but............

HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!"
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"Father, I had sex four times in all with a pair of lovely nymphomaniac twins last night," said the confessor.
"Good grief! what sort of catholic are you?" demanded the priest.
"I'm not a catholic at all," he replied.
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everyone."

=

The new priest called on the village good-time girl Marie McCoy, who was in hospital after a fall from the carnival float at the town's fair.
"I prayed for you last night," he said anxiously.
"My, that is nice," she smiled; "no need though, I'm in the telephone directory!"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The Holy Bible in only Fifty Words

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

=

Overheard joke

Poor Adam - bad, mad, sad and blackballed - pondered Eden and
said, "I'm flabbergasted: I do feel, like, sad... rejected.

Heaven's apple did appeal. True, we did rebel.
God, the boss, had made Eve a gentle kind, if perhaps awkward,
doll from an odd rib. Simple. A proper wife's a gift, right?

But, Lord, hello? Why did you make her, like, so stupid?"

God spoke:

"Just so SHE could love YOU!"

David Bourke with:
We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution for the United States of America.

=

In addition, we'll stuff our stomachs full of Oreos...dress our overfed butts in stretch-polyester three-piece "leeesurewear" (diet? I hate thin - I need to eat, often!) ...for directions, if over in London (near Europe) mispronounce it "Lie-cester Square"...say "math" instead of "mathematics" ...stop steel imports...bomb Baghdad...then just not get irony.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Motion Picture Association of America's film rating system:

G: General audiences. All ages admitted.
PG: Parental guidance suggested. Some material may not be suitable for children.
PG-13: Parents strongly cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under thirteen.
R: Restricted, under seventeen requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.
NC-17: No one seventeen and under admitted.

=

...But here's an attempt at independent rating definitions:

GG: Generation Gap alert. Grandpa might consider ultra-fierce crime and gruesome mutilations a tad redundant.
CG-73: Seventy-three scenes are entirely Computer-Generated.
CIS-11: Up to eleven Commercials are Inserted Subliminally. Audiences must prepare for logos butting in for no reason.
DOOMII: Crappy sequel ahead.
TARD: May contain Adam Sandler.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Midsummer Night's Dream
All's Well That Ends Well
Anthony and Cleopatra
As You Like It
Coriolanus
Cymbeline
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
Julius Caesar
Love's Labours Lost
King Henry IV
King Henry V
King Henry VI
King Henry VIII
King John
King Lear
King Richard II
King Richard III
Macbeth
Measure for Measure
Much Ado About Nothing
Othello, Moor of Venice
Pericles, Prince of Tyre
Romeo and Juliet
The Comedy of Errors
The Merchant of Venice
The Merry Wives of Windsor
The Taming of the Shrew
The Tempest
The Two Gentlemen of Verona
Timon of Athens
Titus Andronicus
Troilus and Cressida
Twelfth Night (What You Will)
Winter's Tale

=

The Divine Virtues of author William Shakespeare
He spoke of kings - yet he himself was one;
Engaged in rhyme for Love - and won much love.
In grave times he brought calm; in cold - the sun:
Main view where cheer's in but one thought thereof.
Might one small human crack his cunning skill?
Or, in an angry envy bound to fail,
Resort to fierce conceit and call this will
To pick on art profound, vast work to rail?
A certain error's found in here, methinks:
Like fine aged wine, 'tis not to madly stir,
But rather to enjoy this ancient drink
As welcome merit of our English sir.
Rejoice, all merry gems, with every part;
Delight my mind and justly claim my heart.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
1. 'IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN'

I could wile away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain.

I'd unravel ev'ry riddle
For any individ'le
In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You could be another Lincoln,
If you only had a brain.

Oh I could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore,
I could think of things I never thunk before
And then I'd sit and think some more.

I would not be just a nuffin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry
Life would be ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain.

2. 'IF I ONLY HAD A HEART'

When a man's an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I'm torn apart,
Just because I'm presumin'
That I could be kind of human
If I only had a heart.

I'd be tender, I'd be gentle
And awful sentimental
Regarding love and art,
I'd be friends with the sparrows
And the boy that shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart.

Picture me, a balcony
Above a voice sings low,
"Wherefore art thou Romeo?"
I hear a beat how sweet!

Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion
And really feel the part,
I could stay young and chipper
And I'd lock it with a zipper
If I only had a heart.

=

1. 'WHY WHY WHY, HUH?' - G.W.BUSH

I could be another Lincoln
Or wily Willy Clinton
For ninety years I'd reign,
I would be a fine orator
And a smoother operator
If I only had a brain.

I would dance like Fred Astaire
Tell lies like Tony Blair
And act like Michael Caine.
I'd fulfill my folks' ambition,
Hunt for higher intuition
If I only had a brain.

Hah! I can't tell you why
I'm short of thought 'n' that's the truth
It could've been an injury I had in youth,
Confused? Why buddy, so am I - huh?

I would henceforth be unfuddled
Be fluent and unmuddled
Thorn-sharp 'n' not inane,
I'd be wary and defensive
Never churlish or offensive
If I only had a brain.

2. 'WHERE WHERE WHERE?' - T.BLAIR

When a man's an empty vessel
His conscience he can't wrestle
That's why I act the part,
But though I'm a liar
I could offer you desire
If I only had a heart.

I would smile and really mean it
I've a soul (I've just not seen it),
Be popular 'n' smart,
Write a lover's diction-ary
Get the hots for flirty Cherie
If I only had a heart.

I'd be grand, guitar in hand
Or maybe a hot banjo
Do a song played rather low
I get off then, to No.Ten

I'm as wooden as a puppet, look just like a muppet,
I'm deader than Mozart,
But I'd be an honest daddy
And not be the token baddie
If I only had a heart.

3rd - David Bourke with:

'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Germans' - Noel Coward

We must be kind, and with an open mind
We must endeavour to find a way
To let the Germans know that when the war is over
They are not the ones who'll have to pay.
We must be sweet, and tactful and discreet
And when they've suffered defeat
We mustn't let them feel upset
Or ever get the feeling that we're cross with them or hate them,
Our future policy must be to reinstate them.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When our victory is ultimately won,
It was just those nasty Nazis who persuaded them to fight
And their Beethoven and Bach are really far worse than their bite
Let's be meek to them, and turn the other cheek to them
And try to bring out their latent sense of fun.
Let's give them full air parity
And treat the rats with charity,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

We must be just, and win their love and trust
And in addition we must be wise
And ask the conquered lands to join our hands to aid them.
That would be a wonderful surprise.
For many years they've been in floods of tears
Because the poor little dears
Have been so wronged and only longed
To cheat the world, deplete the world
And beat the world to blazes.
This is the moment when we ought to sing their praises.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When we've definitely got them on the run
Let us treat them very kindly as we would a valued friend
We might send them out some bishops as a form of lease and lend,
Let's be sweet to them, and day by day repeat to them
That 'sterilization' simply isn't done.
Let's help the dirty swine again
To occupy the Rhine again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When the age of peace and plenty has begun.
We must send them steel and oil and coal and everything they need
For their peaceable intentions can be always guaranteed.
Let's employ with them a sort of 'strength through joy' with them,
They're better than us at honest manly fun.
Let's let them feel they're swell again,
And bomb us all to hell again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
For you can't deprive a gangster of his gun
Though they've been a little naughty,
To the Czechs and Poles and Dutch,
But I don't suppose those countries really minded very much.
Let's be free with them and share the BBC with them,
We mustn't prevent them basking in the sun.
Let's soften their defeat again,
And build their bloody fleet again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

=

'Don't Let's Be Nasty To The Australians'

Better raise that tinny to them Aussies then!
- 'Though they tend to be (what's new?) crude.
They're similar to New Zealanders, but with less intellect,
And without that stuffy, snobbish attitude.

The women, they're all named Sheila,
The gentlemen are named Bruce.
Their idea of foreplay, though? "Brace yerself, love!",
(Which isn't much bladdy use).

Strewth, blue! The lingo's admittedly pretty blunt,
They're brash! Christ, *they're* no bunch of wowsers!
But, evidently, some have fundamental difficulty,
Keeping the "strides" up. ("What's that?" - Trousers).

They're unsentimental, independent, bawdy, bluff!
Damned lewd? Not half! The common banter's fruity!
There's the wobbegong, the noted Evonne Goolagong,
The tuneful Natalie Imbruglia (you little beauty!)

They eat yabbies, drive "utes", peed as a newt,
Wear those distinctive hats with corks on strings.
They eat Vegemite, watch 'Neighbours' then 'Home and Away',
From downtown Indooroopilly to Alice Springs.

They're into barbies, wasted, on Bondi Beach,
L.B.W! Howzat! - They're O.T.T. over the cricket.
Yet most seem to be bar stewards in Earls Court...
A bottle of Fosters, then? Well, that's the ticket!

They went and gave us the Sydney Opera House, possums,
The Dreamtime...but Rolf Harris,
The well-suntanned model Elle - "The Body", mate!
Mark 'Webbo' Webber, the brothers Farriss.

Then the damned-talented Delta Goodrem,
The feted Mr. Scott - the late Bon,
Jason Donovan, the band Mental As Anything,
They're totally devoted to Olivia Newton-John.

From The Gulf of Carpentaria, to dead-end Townsville,
Down west to The Great Australian Bight,
There's multitudes of sheep, then sheep...then even more sheep!
But stuffed, even they're alright!

There's the wallaby, the Tasmanian devil,
The platypus, the koala, the kangaroo.
Then there's the bushmen's most delightful tunes
- Listen when they play that blessed didgeridoo!

There's Waltzing Matilda, the esteemed Angus Young,
(The metal 'Thunder from Down Under').
They booze unbelievably! (Doesn't Shane Warne at least?)
Bet tons of Castlemaine he must (spew-up) "chunder".

Don Bradman, the detested Abo settlements,
The dingo mutt, tennis star Lleyton Hewitt...
Tempted by that hot weather? Well, fly out Qantas then!
Don't be the whinging little pom! Just do it!

They even went and gave us 'Pauline Hanson One Nation',
Nonetheless, they're the ultimate, just damned great,
From peaceful Wendouree, to Newcastle, New South Wales!
Don't be a dag, sport! G'day, mate!

Rosie Perera with:
Bridge Over Trouble Water

When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I’m on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

=

Tweedler[*]

When a hurricane hits New Orleans,
And you've got to evacuate, I'll alliterate.
I'm on your side.
When the levee breaks,
and sewage floods your town.
Like a weird lady yodeler,
I will sing this song.
Like a weird lady yodeler,
I will sing this song.

When you have to leave
your terrier dog and bird behind,
and bodies are floating down your river-street.
I'll render aid:
I will babble on.
When the deluge is unbearably absurd,
And you're under water.
Like a motley fool,
I will cheer you up.
Like a motley fool,
I will cheer you up.

When FEMA ignores you for a week,
Bush regrets, "er, err..we've wet the oil,"
and bumbler Mr. Brown resigns,
I'm on your side.
I'll weave an irreverent riddle.
Don't fret. I'll jumble words.

Like a witty, morbid wordsmith,
I will anagram your name.
Like a witty, morbid wordsmith,
I will anagram your name.

The Anagrammy Awards

OCTOBER 2005 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY