Complete list of nominations for January, 2007

JANUARY 2007 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2007

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Hillary: "Perhaps there are better candidates for President than myself." =
Pat reply: Any fresh face is better than the present horrid, dismal leader!

2nd - Andrew Brehaut with:
"Plutoed" is nominated and voted Word of the Year by the American Dialect Society =
Hence, they obviously awarded a dictionary term tied to planet's faced demotion.

3rd - David Bourke with:
Director Michael Winner facing amputation after holiday illness =
"Oh, calm down dear, it's only an artificial leg! (If 'the insurance' permit!)".

David Bourke with:
The late Icelandic television presenter Magnus Magnusson =
Intellectual genius on Mastermind's corpse in Heaven's gate.

David Bourke with:
The "wardrobe malfunctions" of the American singer Britney Spears' =
A nice, neat furry snatch, I bet! - I'm wrong...no more, as she prefers it bald!

Andrew Brehaut with:
The director Stanley Kubrick's movie "Eyes Wide Shut" =
Everybody likes where T. Cruise touches Kidman's tit.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Hillary: "Perhaps there are better candidates for President than myself." =
RP, Larry, DB, Mesterton, HSP and pale Crafter. See if they're ahead in the list.

Andrew Brehaut with:
She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot bikini. =
She likes teen boys to eye a tiny, pink, willowy body in water.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Federer versus Gonzalez in the final of the Australian Tennis Open =
Fast, intense Roger annihilates hopeful Fernando at venue sizzler.

Tony Crafter with:
Rod Stewart becomes a CBE in the New Year's Honours list =
E.R's Consistently Best Erection award, huh? Awesome, bro!

Don P. Fortier with:
Hillary, noting that "I realize there are better candidates for President than myself." =
Hell freezes into ice ,a bear is trying toilets, and her man (there at party) hadn't flirted.

Don P. Fortier with:
Hillary: Perhaps there are better candidates for President than myself =
Pope: Leader admits that he's really French First Presbyterian adherent.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Hillary: Perhaps there are better candidates for President than myself =
Bill: My threatened leadership starred a free psychopath after interns.

Rosie Perera with:
Hillary: "Perhaps there are better candidates for President than myself." =
That's Ford? Bill? Carter? The ninny's peer father? ... Dead males, happy retirees?!

Rosie Perera with:
Hillary: "Perhaps there are better candidates for President than myself." =
A-yep, desperate hard-heart residents may prefer that fresh Bill Clinton.

Rick Rothstein with:
The United States weekly death toll in Iraq... its up again! =
It's a new page; it quietly attains three thousand killed.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Rugby is a game played by men with oddly shaped balls =
A day up a Welsh pig's bladder, anybody? Might be smelly!

View with:
Hillary: "Perhaps there are better candidates for President than myself." =
Aberrant infantile lady appeared to disrespect herself. Set her rhythm!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident and fell into a deep coma.

After being stuck in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now; however they were poorly at birth and needed to be christened immediately. But luckily, your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, not Paddy ... he's a clueless idiot. Anticipating the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well then, what is my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The mother is very relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about Paddy ... I do like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

=

A HOLY CROSSNESS!

Seamus asked Pat how he got his terrible black eye.

"Begorra, ye'll never believe this," said Pat, "but, I confess, I got it in church."

Pat said he'd been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for hymns he noticed her dress was creased into the centre of her bum-cheeks.
"So I leant forward to pull it out and she turned and hit me!"

Some days later, Seamus was surprised to see an embarrassed Pat sporting yet another nasty black eye.

"I got it in church again," he began to explain. "Strangely, I was behind this same woman; the fat one. Anyway, when we stood for the hymns I saw her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum. Then my little nephew Jimmy reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew the snooty cow didn't like that, so I leaned over and pushed it right back in again!"

2nd - David Bourke with:
A doctor is attending the scene of a very nasty-looking accident in Basildon, Essex, where he sees this girl badly injured at the side of the road, her head against the pavement, lying in a pool of blood.
"Now, my love..." the doctor asks her, "...where are you bleeding from?"
"I'm from Romford, innit..." said the girl, "...and wossat fackin' gotta do wiv you, anyways?"

=

A randy Essex girl, Tracie, of South Woodham Ferrers, began driving home late one night, stops the car, and affectionately asked her moronic boyfriend 'Dodgy Dave' if he'd like to kiss her somewhere that was "Nice and wet and very smelly".
He said "No darling," in his opinion, it "...was just way too late for them to be going out to bloody Canvey Island!"

3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
The Computer Swallowed Grandma

David Bourke with:
Gaseous smell permeates New York City

A mysterious gas-like odour covered large parts of Manhattan today, leaving people from the midtown region to New York City's west side wondering what they were smelling. The Fire Department began getting calls about the odour around nine a.m., said spokesman Tim Hinchey. No cause had been identified yet. There also were unconfirmed reports of a similar smell across the river in New Jersey. In August, a gaseous smell hit parts of Queens and Staten Island, sending seven people to the hospital. Consolidated Edison, the company which provides electricity to the majority of New York City, had no immediate comment.

=

At last, after a prolonged police and Senate investigation, the cause of the mystery peculiar yeasty ammonia-like smell was identified as due to one Frederick Rothstein, a computer systems geek from Trenton, New Jersey, having eaten several dodgy cold curried egg and oily pickled onion white sesame bagels with some suspect hot pastrami with mushroom on rye, and letting a quite seismic, oh-so majestic one really rip. Twice. Oy! Mr Rothstein happily apologised to the residents of New York and in the surrounding downwind areas, but nevertheless he was completely banned from commuting on the Staten Island Ferry ever again, and committed.
Oh whoopee!

Andrew Brehaut with:
A nun is standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stops and picks her up. During the ride, she notices that the portly, very old driver is staring at her fondly.

When she asks him why, he states, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She responds, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I think I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then explains, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me oral sex."

She replies, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. First, you have to be single, and second, you have to be a Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver answers, "Oh, yes! I'm set! I'm Catholic and single!"

The nun replies, "Pull into that alley over there."

The cab driver pulls into the alley and the nun goes for it. Afterwards, the cab driver is sobbing.

The nun presses, "My fair child, what's the matter?"

He weeps, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and Jewish!"

The nun replies, "That's okay. My name's John. I'm a fag and on my way to a costume party!"

=

In a British church, a simple janitor was cleaning the empty pews between services when he was disrupted by the minister.

The minister asked the janitor, "Can you go into the confessional and listen to them for me as I really have to go into the Baptisms today and virtuous Widow McVay is coming here. She talks a lot but never really does anything worthy of deep repentance, so when she's done, give her five Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful type, he agreed. As expected, the Widow McVay came in and started her confession. "In truth, I have done the unforgivable when I was privy to lusty carnal thoughts and then had licentious oral sex. Save me."

Stunned, the unsure janitor was hard put about how to handle the situation and thinks, 'Surely five Hail Mary's would not do.' In desperation, he peered his head out of the confessional and innocently asked a passing altar boy. "What does the minister give for giving head?"

In reply, the shy altar boy murmured skittishly, "Five Mars Bars and a Fanta."

Tony Crafter with:
The kids called me awful things at school so one day, I turned and said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me."

=

And, smash! Unbelievably, It did the trick! No more rude, luckless, goddamn name-abuse! Yes, from then on, it was sticks and stones all the way.

Dan Fortier with:
Two anagrammers were Deli lunching, when Tony stated,
"Oh, no! all my soy noodles and Oreos are gone, and I'm still hungry."
Larry replied, "That is a pity, son; let's have a bunch of bananas."
He added, "...AND CHEW THIS."
Tony asked, "What?"
Larry said, "THE SANDWICH."

=

Two anagrammers were high on a hillside watching women's underpants.
Tony said, "Hey, hey, that honey in white sandals nearly fell over. She should stand up dead straight. "
Larry said, "A BLONDE CAN'T."
Tony asked, "No? How come?"
Larry said, "NOT BALANCED."

Don P. Fortier with:
A warning is pronounced to a son via a fortune teller, namely "Your dad will be deceased soon." He expected news of the grim presage when his mom called, sounding upset. "We found our old mailman dead on the porch this morning!"

=

One well-regarded local hospital announced in their daily radio ads : "Anyone suffering depression because of PMS should come to our new medical program."

The next morning, eight women showed up...and twelve thousand men.

Rosie Perera with:
"We are eager to tunnel under the Atlantic and bring the Old World some weeks nearer to the New; but perchance the first news that will leak through into the broad, flapping American ear will be that the Princess Adelaide has the whooping cough." - Henry David Thoreau.

=

Technology gives us instantaneous, chilling, and graphical news from around the world. But eek! Do we need to hear about the woman whose bra stopped a bullet? The cattle herd which killed an errant deer? The partial finger which a teen ate? The partner with green hair?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal, Bolton, Portsmouth, Tottenham Hotspur, Everton, Reading, Manchester City, Blackburn Rovers, Fulham, Aston Villa, Newcastle United, Middlesbrough, Sheffield United, Wigan Athletic, West Ham United, Charlton Athletic, Watford.

=

Twenty football clubs make up England's Premier League in the current season.

Dull Dull Dull

The narrow division isn't competitive. Mr. Abramovich hinders. The shit bought the last two titles - harsh, when most concerned can't afford a darn team let alone catch the favourite.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
http://www.anagrammy.com/misc/jumble.htm

2nd - David Bourke with:
The Tale Of Peter Rabbit

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS

Subject: SOME NEW-YEAR TIPS!!

Hi Friends!

You HAVE to read this and pass it on! I am already carrying out No.3!

(1) Telemarketers:
Say 3 words: "Hold on please..."
Do this, put down your phone and walk off (instead of hanging-up), and it will make each call so long that boiler-room sales will grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone-company's "beep-beep" tone, go back and hang up your handset, as it has now efficiently completed its task. These 3 words will help eliminate phone-soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls where no one is there? This is a telemarketing technique! A machine makes calls and records the time of day a person answers. This is used to ascertain the best time for a "real" salesman to call back and find someone in. If ever you get a silent call, hit your hash button rapidly, 6 or 7 times. This confuses the mechanical caller and kicks your number from its system!

(3) Junk Mail:
When you get "ads" enclosed with utility bills, return the "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you receive those "pre-approved" letters for credit cards and loans, do not discard the "return" envelope, as most of these are "postage-paid". It costs them more than the regular 24p postage, BUT ONLY IF THEY RECEIVE THEM BACK. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! Postage was 29p before our last increase. So, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes? For example; send an ad for a local chimney cleaner to American Express, or a pizza voucher to Citibank. If you got nothing else that day, then send their blank application back! If you want it to be anonymous, don't put your name on anything you return. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to keep them guessing! It is still costing them 24p; and every 24p mounts up!

Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but we need to OVERWHELM them with 1,000s! Let THEM see what it's like to get loads of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

The Royal Mail also stuffs local adverts through your mailbox. I put them back in their own Post Boxes. Good fun, eh?!
Let's keep our postal service busy since they say e-mails cut into their profits, which means they have to increase costs again.

If enough people follow these tips, they'll work!

THIS COULD BE ONE E-MAIL YOU "WILL" WANT TO FORWARD TO 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS!

=

e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS

Subject: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Hello Merrymakers!

Now that the New Year is upon us, I'd just like to extend my thanks and appreciation to all of you who've thoughtfully taken the time and trouble to send me those well-chosen "Forwards" over the past 12 months.

Thank you all for making me feel so safe, happy, blessed and healthy. My added thanks to the people who sent me the e-mail about rats' crap in the glue on envelopes, as I now have to go get a wet towel every time I seal my envelopes. Also, I love Dr Peppers yet, just because of your concern, I must scrub the top of every single can I open just in case the shopkeeper had some dry piddle (or worse!) on his hands.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know that it can remove toilet stains, which isn't a particularly appealing characteristic. Not to mention the zippy fact that it eats-away a T-Bone steak in about 3 days! Furthermore, I no longer check the coin returns on pay phones because my finger could be pricked with an infected needle-tip that may be riddled with AIDS. I don't use deodorants just in case they cause cancers, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I don't go to shopping centres because some psycho might drug me with a cologne sample, nor do I eat KFCs because their "chickens" are actually terrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because at the last count, I had 36,324 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I've learned that God will only answer my prayers if I forward these e-mails to twenty of my friends and make a wish within thirty minutes. I no longer have any savings because I just gave them all to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die horribly in some third-world hospital (for the 372,294th time).

In fact, I no longer possess any money at all - but that will change once I receive the phenomenal sums that Microsoft and AOL are quickly sending me for participating in their special online e-mail-system program.

Yes, I want to express my thanks to you all so much for doggedly looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail off to at least 124,000 people in the next twenty minutes, a huge donkey with teeth like razor blades will promptly turn up and rip your privates clean off at 5PM this afternoon. I know this will happen because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's sister's dog.

David Bourke with:

Tony Blair is on an official visit to a hospital in Edinburgh. Accompanied by his wife Cherie, of course, plus several doctors and nurses, the local Health Trust managers, police, his bodyguards and all the usual Labour advisors and flunkeys, he enters a ward full of patients that have no obvious signs at all of any injuries or illnesses, and he proceeds to go over and make his usual hollow small-talk with the first patient that he sees.

The patient glares at the Prime Minister for a second or two, then bellows at him: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the puddin' race, ahoon them a ye take yer place, painch, tripe or thairm, as langs my airm!"

Blair, despite of course being a fellow Scot, is a little confused by this outburst, and so he just nods, says "Er, thanks", grins nervously, and then moves rapidly on. He then goes over to the gentleman in the next cubicle, who suddenly sits bolt upright in his bed, and who then, wild-eyed, shouts at Blair: "Some hae meat an canna eat, and some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat an we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit!"

By now even more confused, and his pearly-white grin now rictus-like, Blair coughs nervously, then moves swiftly on to the next patient, who stands up on his bed, his back to the wall, and immediately begins to holler at a very worried-looking Blair: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, o the panic in thy breasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickering brattle."

By now seriously troubled by what he has experienced, Blair turns to one of the doctors accompanying him around the hospital, and asks rather concernedly: "Well, erm...look, doctor, but I...um...don't understand at all...what IS this place, is it like...some kind of mental ward, or something?"

"Och no, Prime Minister, now don't you be silly..." replies the doctor, "...this is the Serious Burns Unit!"

=

Scottish actor Sir Sean Connery was once a guest on 'Parkinson', and bragged on about his libido...that despite being seventy-two years of age, he had to have sexual intercourse three times a night. Cilla Black was also a guest, and looked utterly fascinated. After the show, still missing her late husband Bobby, she said: "Sir Sean, now I 'ope I'm not being inappropriate...but it's just that I'd luv to 'ave it off with yer! Let's shoot back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra laughs!"

Sir Sean was tempted, so they went to her place. Once indoors, after a few glasses of wine, they ripped their clothes off, went to bed, and had an hour of mad, passionate, romantic, orgasmic intimate lovemaking... no inhibitions. Afterwards, Sir Sean says, "You think that romp wash good? Jusht let me shleep an hour, and we can have better shex. But on one condition...while I'm shleeping, could ye hold ma ballsh in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit confused, but says "Ok, chuck!"

Connery sleeps an hour, awakens, and they have a similar, but even better torrid procreation session than before, on and on...contorting like two dirty rabbits. After, Sir Sean, perspiring profusely, says: "Shilla, that wash dishtinctly divine! Wonderful, I admit! But couldn't you let me shleep TWO hoursh? We can have the besht shex ever! But you'll have to..."

- "...I know, Sean", Cilla replied "...yer want me to 'old onto yer bat and balls...it isn't a problem, hun".

She complies with the routine. The results are terrific, absolutely terrific! Mindblowing! Once finished, Sir Sean, worn-out, lit a post-bonk cigarette, and she asked him, "Sean, now tell me this...me 'oldin yer nads in one 'and, and yer cock in the other one...does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sir Sean muttered "No, not particularly, Shilla, but lasht time I shlept with a shcousher, she shtole ma damned wallet!".

Andrew Brehaut with:
The Last Ten Years - Kenny Rogers

Tony Crafter with:
JIVE TALKIN'

Christopher Sturdy with:
Days by Philip Larkin

The Anagrammy Awards

JANUARY 2007 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY