AUGUST 2009 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2009

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Rick Rothstein with:
The past generations =
Teenager: "Piss on that!"

2nd - Tom Myers with:
Lasting relationship =
Thrilling, passionate.

Eq3rd - SpursKevin with:
Diabetics =
Basic diet.

Eq3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
Teen reactions ~
create tension.

Ellie Dent with:
The newest laptop =
Hottest new Apple!

View with:
A cursed ~
used car.

Dharam Khalsa with:
College dormitory =
Gloomy or derelict.

Rosie Perera with:
University cafeterias =
Taste very fair cuisine.

Rosie Perera with:
Mental illness ~
lets all men sin.

Adie Pena with:
Clarinettes d'amour =
Neater music; old art.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Foreign language =
A rule of engaging.

K. Smiles Mascarenhas with:
Total Solar eclipse of the Sun =
Threatful as polite coolness.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A pescatarian ~
ate Asian carp.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Balsamic vinaigrette dressing =
Me, being artistic, serving salad.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Grand piano =
No parading.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The concert pianist =
His tip: "Concentrate!"

Scott Gardner with:
The alpine marmot =
Mt. top animal here.

Adie Pena with:
The avid violinist =
It's one Vivaldi hit.

Rosie Perera with:
The percussion soloist ~
is super; hits cool notes.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Insecticidal soap ~
is nice aid to scalp.

Paul Lusch with:
Artificial growth hormones =
Worries from high lactation.

Tony Crafter with:
The professional dancer =
So, I hold partners en face.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The lack of sleep? =
Let sheep a-flock.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A Category Five strength hurricane =
Terrifying surge! Have a trenchcoat?

Tom Myers with:
Noir detective film =
Violent fetid crime.

Adie Pena with:
A spectacular show =
How pure! A class act!

Tom Myers with:
Harsh elites run ~
health insurers.

Rosie Perera with:
The dental insurance company ~
paid my annual teeth concerns.

Neil Ramsay with:
Motor insurance ~
mentions our car

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Official reports =
Politics for fear.

Rosie Perera with:
Silence is golden, but ~
bell "ding" noise's cute.

Rick Rothstein with:
Wartime Slogan =
I am least wrong!

Rick Rothstein with:
Model railway enthusiast =
A youth's train is well-made.

Rick Rothstein with:
"I don't eat." =
Not a diet!

Meyran Kraus with:
A finger with frostbites =
Fire's best for thawing it.

Meyran Kraus with:
Female impersonators =
Men to perform as "Elisa".

Ellie with:
Fishmeal =
Am I flesh?


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Rodgers and Hammerstein, "South Pacific" =
I do hear the cast sing and perform music.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A collection of Sherlock Holmes detective stories. =
Coveted crime classics tell of hooknose title-hero.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The old Glenn Campbell song, "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy" =
One well-clothed gentleman is loping by on horseback.

View with:
'Britain's got talent' =
Best in total rating.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Girl bands ~
bring lads.

Adie Pena with:
The Cordoba, Argentina cellist =
I herald Sol Gabetta in concert.

Tony Crafter with:
The singer Alesha Dixon =
High on Arlene's sad exit.

Paul Pan with:
Amélie =
L'Aimé.

Adie Pena with:
Heiress Records of singer Paris Hilton =
Ah, inept series of girlish errors on CDs!

Ellie Dent with:
Seventy-ninth birthday of Sir Sean Connery =
Bond, on set, is very canny, a fresh thirty-nine.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Tweedledee and Tweedledum =
"We led (We led) a demented duet."

Scott Gardner with:
Antonio Lucio Vivaldi =
Violin/viola duo in act.

View with:
Japanese sport of sumo wrestling =
As pros, fat men jostle using power.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I hear fancy pirates talk, smile and nod ~
at California's Disneyland theme Park.

Rosie Perera with:
The painter Sandro Botticelli =
Ah, let's point to incredible art!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Kind mothers in a fairytale landscape ~
at California's Disneyland theme Park.

Adie Pena with:
"Inglourious Basterds" =
Sad. Serious. Troubling.

Meyran Krauswith:
Caravaggio's "Judith Beheading Holofernes" =
Ah!! Veins are discharging a huge jet of blood!


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
More wildfires rage around Athens =
Flames worsen in dire drought area.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
The American Senator Teddy Kennedy =
Meant a dynasty ended there, I reckon.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
South African athlete Caster Semenya =
He's out: A test can certify he's a real man.

Rosie Perera with:
Where is Obama's birth certificate? =
Berate critics; bet he's from Hawaii!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Terracotta Warriors of China may visit balmy Peru =
What a victory it is for pre-Columbian art era's army!

Adie Pena with:
American "Birther" Movement =
Vermin emit: "Retrench Obama!"

Adie Pena with:
Abdul: "I'm out of here!" =
Her fume about "Idol."

Rosie Perera with:
"Retweet this story" =
Yes, Twitter others.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Sarah Palin's next role is divorcée ~
or rascal liar invented his exposé.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Usain Bolt's one hundred metre world record =
Ultrasonic rewrote, no, SHREDDED old number!

Scott Gardner with:
Sprinter Usain Bolt =
Is tops at Berlin run.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Rotten wit ~
on Twitter.

Andrew Brehaut with:
American death toll =
Lethal armed action.

View with:
Claudette hits Florida =
Title it 'Dreadful Chaos'.

Scott Gardner with:
Usain Bolt's world records =
Crowd's roar'll not subside

Dharam Khalsa with:
Supermodel Gisele Caroline Bndchen =
A pronounced child bulge, serene smile.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Australians lose ~
Ashes urn, also a title.

David Bourke with:
Author Sebastian Charles Faulks =
The Koran/Allah "racist abuse" fuss

Rosie Perera with:
United States Senator Edward Moore Kennedy =
Ardent Easterner, one most know, died Tuesday.

Rick Rothstein with:
U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy? ~
Undertaker's on Wednesday.

Larry Brash with:
Miss Jaycee Lee Dugard =
Jailed guy "caressed" me.

Meyran Kraus with:
The death anniversary of Princess Di =
Perish in France on this very sad date.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Los Angeles wildfire =
Tree lines flash, glow, die.

Tom Myers with:
The Los Angeles wildfire =
It's raged on; we flee hills.


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Caster Semenya =
Yes, a secret man!

2nd - Tom Myers with:
The late Elvis Aaron Presley =
A theory: several pills eaten

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy =
Earnest... drunk... yes, now dead.

David Bourke with:
Omer Jamal Bhatti =
Alarm! M.J.: "Oh! Beat it!"

Adie Pena with:
The noted Israeli violinist Pinchas Zukerman =
No insecurities, I'd have Itzhak Perlman on list.

Rosie Perera with:
American chef and TV hostess Julia Child =
Ah, I act calm, and I just love French dishes!

Meyran Kraus with:
The Tonight Show's comedian Conan O'Brien =
So, I'm the nice host with an orange 'do on NBC!

Ellie Dent with:
August Ferdinand Mobius =
I'd fun reading about sums.

Tony Crafter with:
The Right Honourable Peter Mandelson =
English. Baron. A Lord. Three-up to me, then!

Scott Gardner with:
World Champion Caster Semenya =
Modern woman is secretly a chap.

View with:
Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi =
As a big Allah liberated me!

Scott Gardner with:
The astronomer Galileo =
Alert Rome theologians!

Adie Pena with:
The U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy =
Renowned? True, thanks! Dead? Yes.

Scott Gardner with:
Senator Edward Kennedy =
Rest dead, renowned Yank.

Adie Pena with:
Basketball player Hu Guang =
Ah, unspeakably tall bugger!

David Bourke with:
Phillip Garrido =
Liar Pop hid girl


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
California State =
Arnie fails to act.

2nd - Neil Ramsay with:
The Dell Corporation =
I'll order a PC too then.

Eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
He can openly hear good overtures at ~
the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.

Eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS) ~
stirred invasion on Semenya's dignity.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Freedom of Information Act =
Root data from men in office.

David Bourke with:
Duchy Originals =
Your idling 'Chas'.

Adie Pena with:
Sydney Opera House, Bennelong Point, Australia =
Genuine beauty; soprano is pleasantly honored.

Rosie Perera with:
bit.ly, Twitter's favorite URL shortener =
It's rote, thrifty result-retrival on web.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Tarmac =
Car mat.

Tom Myers with:
A pirate's hat =
state pariah

Rick Rothstein with:
Merriam Webster Dictionary =
Name words by criteria, merit.

Rosie Perera with:
I never study law in ~
Walden University.

Tom Myers with:
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV =
It is valid to tag lunatics and maniacs.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Disney store chain =
I snatched toys in here.

Tom Myers with:
Got real Chinese snack: ~
a General Tso's chicken.


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Thomas Stearns Eliot, "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats" =
Classic book of short poems, as translated to top musical.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Pink Floyd's "The Dark Side of the Moon" was much jazzier than their other albums. =
Asked about "Wizard of Oz" phenomena in the hit rhythm, the rockers just half-smiled.

Eq3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
The FIFA International Swimming Championships in Italy =
Michael Phelps is off initiating many wins in that in Roma.

Eq3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America =
I'm a real fat cat. A rapid cure can sure earn much cash for me.

Adie Pena with:
The American singer Dean Martin (Dino Paul Crocetti) =
Man can indicate repertoire including "That's Amore."

David Bourke with:
Roger Daltrey's forthcoming North American 'Use It Or Lose It' tour =
In farcical, grim horror...he's sure too old to stutter 'My Generation'!

Tony Crafter with:
I saw the popular new Harry Potter film today. A bit too far-fetched I reckoned. Well, come on! ... a ginger kid with two pals?
=
Terrible immorality: I heard news of a dwarf getting pick-pocketed. What a pilferer! How could anyone stoop that low?

Adie Pena with:
[1915-2009] The guitarist and electronics mastermind Les Paul (Lester William Polfuss) =
Still, lifeless. We'll miss the late great U.S. musician and important producer.

Tony Crafter with:
Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi is released =
Albeit, scheme seals a Blair-brokered mega oil-deal bribe?

Adie Pena with:
Evangelical Lutheran Church of America lifts gay ban =
Are they having a real bunch of actual flaming clerics?

Rosie Perera with:
International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination =
Its core is: If I'm an alien from Finland, Ontario, or a cool continent, then I'm not a villain!

Ellie with:
'Magnificent Desolation: The Long Journey Home from The Moon,' Edwin 'Buzz' Aldrin. =
Mentioning Commander Neil who enjoyed a first foothold; later, me, Buzz... I hung on.


THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." =
Oh, that penman's unbroken personal cranial brilliance is seen in an equivalent, though briefer, familiar axiom: "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. =
A quote that mirrors the reason people like to die a hero in a racial war, commit an abhorrent offense, begin using heroin, and, informally, it explains the Bush vote.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." =
So? That is an opinion of an arrogant man unable to remember that a literary sequel can be a pile of trash - who exploited "Hitchhiker's Guide" in more inferior novels!

David Bourke with:
Irish anagrammatists here, who ordinarily have a quite phenomenal lexicon, prefer to spend hours online to submit trite, anal brain-rot on Facebook. Get a life, eh!

Tony Crafter with:
'He 'tilts at windmills'.

He is a high-foe-mania bloke Cervantes refers to in 'Don Quixote', I hear. (Though can refer to a Napoleon Bonaparte or any Labour Prime Minister).

Ellie Dent with:
Then see the further ironic little quip by Parker:

Ooh, this life is but a song,
See... all extemporanea;
And love cannot tarnish or be wrong;
and I... Oh, I am Marie of Romania.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I'm a bathroom literature absorber;
Moreover, a latent metaphysical explorer.
To tap one authorial Franklin quote,
When one is finished changing, one is finished.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Man exploits materials of the earth;
Machinery breaks stone for oil below.
Hoping to balance irritation,
I quote hero Gandhi's line:
"Never despair of human nature."

Adie Pena with:
A historian's proof that people never learn:
- Bohemia
- "Horror night" sequels
- Annihilation of fauna
- Matrimonial irony
- Extreme skateboarding
- Bush elected twice.

Adrian Hickford with:
An historian, pondering the Question of Life, the Universe, etc. (Hitch Hiker's Guide...)

A real barbarian moron Homo Sapiens memorable, lateral explanation: "Forty-Two!"

Adie Pena with:
Firm people:
- Earlier Icarus flying free (too near to the sun!)
- Conan, the "Big Movie" Barbarian
- Don Quixote, a dreamer
- Emotional Paris Hilton who thinks she has talent.

Adie Pena with:
I once knew a paratrooper immovable;
No star, an antihero so unchangeable.
That asinine, mulish,
Gritty person, foolish.
Therefore, hard to admire, quite inflexible!


Adie Pena with:
Do keep the babe with no qualification?
She's obstinate, sir, that's no exaggeration!
Premium model "Palin"
Forevermore failin'?
The horror! Can she really run a nation?

Adie Pena with:
If the noble Gloria Arroyo dines at that expensive Le Cirque with a one-million-peso tab, her poor nation suffers a heartburn. Another Imelda Marcos in the making?

Neil Ramsay with:
after marriage vow --
homosexual ministers
do the fandango?

lies in a chamber --
quotable politician
is he in kennel?

unholy tenet --
arabian terrorist
hero of prophet?

Dharam Khalsa with:
One may observe the sharp exploitation
Of human nature in harsh book translation;
(The original smooth Latin, if preferred)
A belligerent: "I came, I saw, I conquered."

Adie Pena with:
His terms for obstinate people who repeat history:
- Adamant
- Anachronous
- Unoriginal
- Oblique
- Inflexible
- Territorial
- Inveterate
- Hooked men
- Afghans
- Chairmen.

Dharam Khalsa with:
In King of Pop's "Thriller",
Extravagant masquerade chiller,
He performed "Human Nature".
If he were also a lecher,
Too into boys' inebriation,
It's an ethos abomination.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Nation

Carter Era: Simple stand
Reagan Era: Monopolising
Bush I Era: Oil sheikdom
Clinton Era: Hot 'n' horny thrift
Bush II 'W' Era: (Expletive) off
Obama Era: Eloquent

Adie Pena with:
Rehab an asinine, a passionate man -- ah, a liquored up man? Expect to ruin this fine hangover; or this healthier beerbelly, too? Tomorrow, I'll get a stiff drink once more!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Modern National Eras:

Bush I Era: Oil foe development
Clinton Era: Thrifty, hit saxophone flirt
Bush II Era: Katrina, warmongering
Obama Era: Eloquent speech is hot


<

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE TODAY.

The telephone rang and the lady of the house answered.

"Hi, can I speak to Mrs. Denver, please."

"Yes, speaking"

"Mrs. Denver, this is Doctor Jefferies at High Dudgeon County Hospital. We've got an unusual situation here. When your husband's doctor sent his blood sample to the laboratory last week, a sample from another Mr. Denver arrived also, and we are uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Denver asked uneasily.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's Disease and the other one tested positive for HIV. Unfortunately, we can't tell which one is which."

"Good grief! That is dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" queried Mrs.Denver.

"Normally we could do it again, but the National Health Service will only fund these expensive tests once."

"So, what am I supposed to do now?" she said.

"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

=

NO MORE TOMORROWS

A solemn Stephen Stein returned one day from a visit to his doctor and told his wife, Cass, that the doctor had said he'd only twenty-four hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course, she said 'yes' and they made vibrant, passionate love.

Six hours later, Stephen approached her once more and said, 'Cass, I've only eighteen hours left now, maybe we could, well... make love again?'

Cass agreed and they made love.

Later, Stephen was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours left. He touched Cass's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Just one more time before I quit this life permanently?' She said yes, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Stephen, however, heard the solemn ticking of the clock, and tossed and turned until the time was down to only four hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

'Cass, I've only four hours left. Can we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Steve, I۪m not being funny, but...

... I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
THE CAT AND THE KING (An Old Fable)

A cat was looking at a king, as is permitted by the proverb.

"Well," said the monarch, observing the cat's inspection
of his royal person, "how do you like me?"

"I can imagine a king," said the cat, "whom I should
like better."

"For example?"

"The King of the Mice."

The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of her
reply that he gave the cat permission to scratch his
Prime Minister's eyes out.

=

WOMEN LIKE CATS

Spike is horrified to see a panicky woman is perched
on a ledge of a burning apartment block, a moggie in
her arms.

The girl kisses her cat, and moves to throw it down to
him below.

Spike keeps a wary eye on it, watching it hurtle
through the air, rashly leaping five, possibly six
feet, to catch it.

To cheers, he does a little dance, lifts the cat high
above him... and smashes it on to the pavement.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Two Afternoon Fables

A Rose Chafer

By chance, a rose chafer in the city of London shyly composed a classical fugue. But then nobody knew what a rose chafer was, let alone a fugue, and inexplicably didn't check the 'R' encyclopedia volume, so he died crushed, if twitching, upon a pauper's grave.

=

The Capricious Fly

A capricious fly once saved up enough cereal box tops to purchase an enormous rich chocolate candy bar, and for a week he was in fly heaven. But by the second week he had grown bored with all the candy and found himself lusting after a nice clean pile of tasty dog feces.


Adie Pena with:
Please Please Me, With The Beatles, A Hard Day's Night, Beatles for Sale, Help!, Rubber Soul, Revolver, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Magical Mystery Tour, "The White Album," Yellow Submarine, Abbey Road and Let It Be =
We hear all those big hits from studio LPs (plus EP) by the esteemed "Apple" league. The baby boys were the late lovable Lennon; well-behaved bass player McCartney; late lead guitarist Harrison; a bubbly drummer Starr.


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The House of the Rising Sun


2nd - Tony Crafter with:
COPY OF A LETTER FROM A GENTLEMAN IN MELBOURNE
AFTER RECEIVING A FINAL INCOME TAX DEMAND

Dear Sirs,

Your superheated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope with a five-penny stamp on it, and it would have given the boy and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us certain melancholy reflections of what has passed before.

You say you thought the account could've been settled long ago and you could not understand why it hadn't been. Well, here is the reason.

In nineteen-sixty-four I bought a sawmill on credit.

In nineteen-sixty-five I bought a team of horses, a timber wagon, two ponies, a terrier, a double shotgun and two razor-backed pigs, all on credit.

In nineteen-sixty-six the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not one solitary thing. One of the ponies died and I lent the other to some stupid bastard who starved the poor bugger to death. Then I joined the church.

In 'sixty-seven my father died and my brother was strung up for raping a pensioner. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard seventy quid to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 'sixty-eight my lad contracted mumps which spread to his balls and the poor boy had to be castrated to save his life. Later, we all went fishing and the rotten boat overturned, drowning two of my lads, neither being the castrated one.

In late 'sixty-nine my missus ran away with a sheep shearer and left me with twins as a souvenir. Then it was necessary to have a housekeeper, so I married her to keep my expenses down, but it was a hell of a job getting her pregnant.

I consulted the doctor and he advised me to create some sort of excitement at the crucial moment. So, that night I took my shotgun to bed with me and, at the time I guessed was right, I leaned out of bed and fired the gun through the window. As a result, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I'd shot my best cow.

In nineteen-seventy someone cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was really buggered, so I took to drink. I carried on until all I had left was my pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me very busy for some time.

After a year I took heart again and I bought a manure spreader, a reaper, a tractor and a car, all on credit as usual. The floods came and washed the bloody lot away. My wife caught VD from a travelling salesman and my boy died through wiping his arse on a possum skin that was infected. To cap it all some useless bastard mated my cow with a broken down old bull.

It surprises me to see in your missive that there will be trouble if I fail to pay up. Trouble! If you can think of anything I've missed, I'd love to know about it.

Sirs; trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a porcupine's pisser with a red hot needle.

I am praying that a shower of skunk shit will pass your way and I hope the centre of it is over you and the bunch of useless bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit.

CHRISTOPHER C. COLLCUTT

=

[Based on a genuine reply from the Inland Revenue, and added-to, amended and fumbled-with to make the anagram work!]

Dear Mr Babbing,

I am writing to express our thanks for your prompt reply to our last communication, and to answer some of the added points you raised. I will address them, as always, in order.

Firstly, Mr Babbing, we must take issue with your description of our last as a "damned begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, here at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

And secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst we have not seen the other letters to which you refer we would prudently suggest that their being from "pauper councils, pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "stuff them next to the toilet in case of emergency" is, at best, a tad ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it's unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, indeed, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a human citizen of Great Britain, with an added responsibility to contribute to the safe upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be a whit of truth in your adamant assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary reckoning ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. And the estimates you provided for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst inventive, are, in fairness, a bit off the mark. Less than you imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is distributed to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

And, a couple of added technical points in answer to direct queries:

1.The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" instead of "Mr Babbing" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system:

2.You can be assured that "sucking the very marrow from those with nothing left to give" has never been deemed normal practice because, even if the Personal Tax Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

We hope this has helped and, in the meantime (whilst we would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, Mr Babbing) we ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole frigging jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

ABDUL Z. WADDA- AL- NAWAB.
Head Manager, Customer Relations.
(Bad Debt Dept).


3rd - Adie Pena with:
For Music


Ellie Dent with:
For swelling waves our panting breasts


Don Fortier with:
WARNING SEXUAL REFERENCES
Put On A Happy Face


Dharam Khalsa with:
At California's Disneyland Theme Park =

An ad often inspires; Hey, I'd call Amtrak
Trains! No sketchy plane deal (I'm afraid).

"Costly, indeed! Ha!" in snappy marital flak,
"Amtrak's near Chapter ll, I say, in need of aid!"
Learned of a merchant: "Pay links", it said.
I paid "Sonny", a ticket seller (a farmhand)
For easy ticket-in-hand rail plans made.
One fact: all year this park is in demand;
Rain may fall on the nicest kids' parade.
Needlessly, I find a rain parka to match.
I say thanks and lap terrific lemonade,
And I'll rest, as aid for my knee, in a patch,
Since it only flares at a hi-demand park.

Details on a display in a French Market:
"It's time for an Aladdin scene. Hark!"
Smiled at headline, for any can spark it!
Noisy kids all nap after the nice drama.
Enchanted Asian Tikis perform all day;
Yodellers in pink hats (daft Americana).
Landscapers knife their animal today,
And so I clearly find meerkats in a path.
No tricky elephant and seals, I'm afraid.
Doll and fairy prices take insane math!

The scarf on a manikin later displayed
Held my interest, if can ask a rapid loan.
Entertainers: Oh, a family and kids clap!
Mickey's "Fantasia" and pillared throne
Enchant all kids; Me? I sit, ready for a nap.

Pedestrians inhale landmark of a city;
Anaheim frolickers pliant at day's end.
Rain and hail can make fields so pretty;
Knotts has a deal in April, my ace friend!


THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A lower-cut T-shirt =
Her tits crawl out.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Masturbatory fantasies =
A man says to rub it faster!

3rd - Neil Ramsay with:
Any groin ~
in an orgy.

Adie Pena with:
The singer Paris Hilton =
Penis in girl's throat, eh?

Tony Crafter with:
Semen thrives on ~
the mons veneris.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Menstruation cycle =
Mystical encounter.

Andrew Brehaut with:
A topless girl ~
is legal sport!

View with:
The menstruation cycle =
Cunt's eerie monthly act.


The Anagrammy Awards