FEBRUARY 2010 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2010

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Solitary confinement =
Myself. No interaction.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The melting polar ice caps =
Climate change's top peril.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A field surgeon =
Dangerous life.

Adrian Hickford with:
I am hornier, 'cos ~
I'm a rhinoceros!

Larry Brash with:
Solitary confinement =
Felony can merit it, son.

View with:
The kindergartens =
Kids regnant there.

Nikola Zivanovic with:
Amiga-Spectrum zone =
Computer magazines.

Rick Rothstein with:
A ladies' man ~
'nails' a dame.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Nonviolence =
Lennon voice.

Rosie Perera with:
Celebrity philanthropists =
Crisis' birth; apply telethon.

Richard Grantham with:
Yoga's ~
so gay.

Adie Pena with:
The Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation Procedure =
Our point is the paramedic can resurrect old you.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Physical therapy evaluation and treatment =
Run a vital test, then may apply heat and/or ice.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Single White Female =
Slim, elegant wife, eh?

View with:
A controlled substance ~
can detract noble souls.

Jesse Frankovich with:
Festa =
feast.

Adie Pena with:
Fiesta =
I feast!

Nikola Zivanovic with:
Poker strategy =
Try to keep rags!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Social networking sites =
See, I class it 'Notworking'.

Ellie Dent with:
Energy giants =
Staying green?

Christopher Sturdy with:
"One size fits all" =
Laziest of lines.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The physical examination =
Hospital machine anxiety.

Ellie Dent with:
Single, or divorced? =
Old ring is covered.

David Bourke with:
Divorced, or separated? =
Care? It's over. Drop dead!

Hans-Peter Reich with:
The straightjacket =
Jerk tight at a chest.


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Dante's Divine Comedy =
Vice, demons, and deity.

2nd - Ed Pegg Jr with:
New Orleans Saints =
Winner, last season.

3rd Tony Crafter with:
The Federico Fellini motion picture 'La Strada'. =
One deep circus film. (Title: Italian for 'The Road')

Adie Pena with:
Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" =
So, a piece untiringly nailed "Best Song"!

Meyran Kraus with:
Cameron's hit feature film "Avatar" =
He's after a virtual cinema format.

Scott Gardnerwith:
The book "A Christmas Carol," by Charles Dickens =
Oh, mean boss's clerk Cratchit had real sick boy!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Anagrammy Competition =
A 'Mey poem' might contain art.

Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet's paintings of 'Gardens at Giverny' =
Verdant landscape, so using green to magnify it.

View with:
Sylvester Stallone in the Rambo series =
Artist's silent, lonely hero seems brave.

Adie Pena with:
'So You Think You Can Dance' =
O, I suck and you can't, honey!

Rosie Perera with:
Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show =
Gunmen know Scottish breeds well.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Fine aid used by man on a flight in "Toy Story" =
Lightyear's famous, "To Infinity and beyond!"

Adie Pena with:
British Academy of Film and Television Awards =
Did 'Avatar' by Cameron himself fail to win sides?

Meyran Kraus with:
Television drama "C.S.I." =
A tissue hint solved a crime.


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger Holds Press Conference =
Confess, regret, consider help.

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
The Vancouver Winter Olympics =
I've pretty much a nil snow cover.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Vancouver Twenty-ten Winter Olympic Games =
Top men vying at ice events want low mercury.

Rosie Perera with:
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein =
Gad! Shall bank's economic folly end?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Happy Birthday David Sean Bourke =
Pub ahead - Boy, I'd have drinks party!

View with:
Beyonce Knowles gets six Grammy awards =
Sexy singer's work was commented by Gala.

Adie Pena with:
The 25th anniversary 'We Are The World' remake for Haiti =
Reinvent, refresh a worthwhile idea to mark a 25th year!

David Bourke with:
Manchester City footballer Wayne Michael Bridge =
Goal for Chelsea man Terry...in bed with team bicycle!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Chelsea Clinton's still shopping for a wedding dress ~
and spending less for the chic strapless in Goodwill!

Adie Pena with:
Toyota Prius recall =
Totally precarious?

Christopher Sturdy with:
The boss's rejection of adultery. =
Fabio deselects. John Terry's out!

Steve Stein with:
A birthday, Abe Lincoln's =
Tall boy's heard in cabin

Ellie Dent with:
Washington =
Hat? Snowing!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Snowmageddon" ÓDagger;
Damn good news.

Tony Crafter with:
Bill Clinton is detained for heart-artery surgery =
Stent? (Or did they balefully insert a cigar in error...?)

Adie Pena with:
Washington ~
saw nothing!

Dharam Khalsa with:
New Orleans' Mardi Gras ("Fat Tuesday") =
Many a rogue said, "Lent's afterwards!"

Adie Pena with:
Massive Toyota recall =
Yes, Tacoma, it's all over!

Rosie Perera with:
Alpine skiing event =
It's enlivening peak.

Rosie Perera with:
Canada rejoicing at skier Alex Bilodeau's win =
A clue: It was said I broke a golden jinx in a race!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Let's do anti-filibuster ~
leaflet distributions.

David Bourke with:
The Abbey Road Studios up for sale =
A Beatles duo buy it for spare dosh?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Obama to meet Dalai Lama, despite Chinese warning =
Ah, awesome plan! Meditate on Asia reclaiming debt.

Rosie Perera with:
Smelly passenger kicked off flight =
Flyer himself stank of pickled eggs.

Adie Pena with:
The apology of Tiger Woods =
How a top golfer is too edgy.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Medicare for All =
Call idea "Reform".

View with:
Singing can rebuild the damaged brain =
Chant, use rigid madrigal and be benign!

Nikola Zivanovic with:
Lufthansa pilots begin strike =
No flights, take a bus lines trip.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Former VP Cheney is hospitalized for chest pains =
Pinch of panic proves my heart's there (fossilized).

Meyran Kraus with:
Michael Jackson's cardiologist Conrad Murray =
Real-daring hack doctor slays major music icon.

Adie Pena with:
President Barack Obama =
Top American's bad break.

Rosie Perera with:
'Elvis Presley' passport ~
reveals slippery spots.

Rosie Perera with:
Airline to introduce women-only lavatories =
I read: "Victory! No men will urinate on loo seat!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Whale kills animal trainer at USA's Orlando SeaWorld =
All onlookers saw this animal's ideal natural reward.

David Bourke with:
The 'Sea World' theme park in Orlando, Florida. =
Photo drama: Trainer's end - killer whale food.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I quote a president: ~
"...quiet desperation".

Rosie Perera with:
The circumcision debate =
Hebraic cut incited some.

Rick Rothstein with:
The latest earthquake's in Chile =
Thence, it's quite a lethal shaker.


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Post-Impressionist Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec =
Oil painter chose Rue des Moulins prostitutes.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Singer Lady Gaga =
Already sagging!

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
President Barack Obama ~
absorbed a market panic.

Tony Crafter with:
Terpsichorean artiste Darcey Andrea Bussell =
Superior dancer? Yes! The ballet dancer is a star.

Scott Gardnerwith:
Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec ÓDagger;
I'll endorse haute couture

Adie Pena with:
The singer Clay Aiken =
Real gay scene, I think.

David Bourke with:
Paul Mason, the fattest man in the world =
"Elephant!" taunt, had to fast, now slimmer.

Nikola Zivanovic with:
Yulia Tymoshenko ~
may lose. You think?

Scott Gardnerwith:
The first lady Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama =
Ooh, my better half is such a loving and liberal man!

Ellie Dent with:
Obama: the American President =
Dream then became aspiration.

Scott Gardnerwith:
President Nelson Mandela of South Africa =
Man offers clean solutions: end apartheid.

Adie Pena with:
Benicio Del Toro in 'The Wolfman' =
Incredible! I often howl at moon.

View with:
Alison Moyet =
Solo, anytime.

Adie Pena with:
Not in jest, an innate real name of Gaga: ~
"Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta."

David Bourke with:
Mister Ashley Cole =
"Cheryl isolates me".

Mike Keith with:
Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir =
Met virtuoso dance artists.


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Waitrose Cashmere Toilet Paper =
There to wipe a most special rear!

2nd - Rick Rothstein with:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention =
Send doctors an alert on perverse infection.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
English Collective of Prostitutes. =
Sect to help lots of vice girls unite.

Meyran Kraus with:
Apple's iPad =
"Apps", I plead!

Scott Gardnerwith:
The California Deer Mouse =
Here I run, else I am cat food!

Rosie Perera with:
Persistent Vegetative State =
It gave patient severest test.

Scott Gardner with:
The iPad tablet computer =
It much bettered a laptop

Adie Pena with:
Washington, District of Columbia, United States =
And I list more budget cuts with no satisfaction!

Adie Pena with:
The Anagrammy Moderator: ~
"A merry Dharam to get a NOM!'

View with:
Sea of Galilee (Kinneret) =
Gee, not fen, Israeli lake!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Nintendo + Cisco =
Disconnection.

Adie Pena with:
The George Bush Administration =
Obama inherits horsedung. Get it?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Her Britannic Majesty's Government =
Members scent gravy train, then join!

Nikola Zivanovic with:
Belarusian vodka =
Drink, use a lavabo!

Adie Pena with:
The Internal Revenue Service =
Never unnerve a rich elite set!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Old Town Square in Prague =
Tour now, reading plaques.

Meyran Kraus with:
Games of the Two Thousand Ten Winter Olympics =
Sweaty humans compete in frost to win the gold!

Meyran Kraus with:
Games of the Two Thousand Ten Winter Olympics =
We compete to win medals, though in nasty frost!

Rosie Perera with:
Tea Party Nation =
A rant, not a piety.


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
The Top Three Richest People in the World:
Warren E. Buffet,
Carlos Slim Helu,
and William Gates III
=
Billionaires:
I'm the Super Capitalist,
the New Upright Fellow,
and the Microsoft Wheeler-Dealer.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Two elderly widows, Sue and Eve, are on the back porch talking about life.

SUE: "Do you still get, uh... horny, Eve?"

EVE: "Oh I sure do, Sue!" =

SUE: "What d'you generally, er... do about it?"

EVE: "Do? Well, I suck the odd lifesaver."

SUE (looking pensive): "Er... who runs you to the beach?"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
A drunk fellow leaving a bar, sees a nun waiting at the nearby bus stop. Walking up to her, he proceeds to punch her in the mouth. =
Unhappy but pure, virtue intact, her hidden knees are buckling. She falls into a heap. He growls: "NOT SO TOUGH NOW, ARE WE, BATMAN!"

David Bourke with:
The Chelsea and England football player John Terry =
A ghastly neanderthal enjoyed able French trollop

Andrew Brehaut with:
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch =
Pray, who will cry long, long, long, goggling word by lyrically flat Welsh.

David Bourke with:
The Labour Party's chances of winning the General Election =
Nil. After Brown's tactical change, there's genuinely no hope!

Adie Pena with:
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous detective Sherlock Holmes =
Oh, ordinary crack fuels one sleuth that solved some crimes.

Rosie Perera with:
Michael Jackson's doctor charged with involuntary manslaughter =
Whoa! That rough crank injected drug in melancholy vocalist's arms?!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Peter Andre's fury as Katie Price gives toddler Princess a glamour model style makeover. =
Some people are an utter disgrace, as real crap mum left kid looking very, very distressed.


David Bourke with:
'The Surrendered Wife - a step-by-step guide to finding intimacy, passion and peace with a man' - Laura Doyle =
Australian went: "Do get me my pipe and slippers, dear... and a nice tinny out of the fridge. Why? Because I said!"

View with:
A senior Hamas military commander Mahmoud Abdel Rauf al-Mabhouh =
A harmful, amoral man. A team murdered him. Chaos in Dubai... Shalom, boy!

Adie Pena with:
"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems." =
Insane, menopausal rocket man Elton John assumed God the Son is a superb guy with a limp wrist.

Rosie Perera with:
"Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." =
Work, in hope, at removing what you can, and then what is left is better. O, indeed, it often heightens the core.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Former US Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital after being examined for his mild heart attack.
=
Taxidermist, "So I preserved his lifelike form and enclosed a bargain rhythmic pacemaker, then we restuffed the coat."


THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger
Polar Bear
Pacific Walrus
Magellanic Penguin
Leatherback Turtle
Bluefin Tuna
Mountain Gorilla
Monarch Butterfly
Javan Rhinoceros
Giant Panda

=
Harm Flock In Fatal Pattern

Unappreciative
pertrubations
manufactured
challenging
biological
imbalance
bungling
natural
jewels
rarer
than
you
or
I
.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
1. Tiger
2. Polar Bear
3. Pacific Walrus
4. Magellanic Penguin
5. Leatherback Turtle
6. Bluefin Tuna
7. Mountain Gorilla
8. Monarch Butterfly
9. Javan Rhinoceros
10. Giant Panda =
Gravely rare fauna:
1. Large cat
2. Animal up north
3. Long tusk
4. Antarctic fowl
5. Reptile
6. Canned fish
7. Big baboon
8. Little creature
9. I'm in a Burma jungle
10. Popular in China

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Tiger
Polar Bear
Pacific Walrus
Magellanic Penguin
Leatherback Turtle
Bluefin Tuna
Mountain Gorilla
Monarch Butterfly
Javan Rhinoceros
Giant Panda
=
We, human
Inhumane bunch,
Liken "fatal
Liberation"
Of particular
Fauna to
Grabbing capital,
Or paltry
Deceit,
Or gall,
Rejecting
Man's place
As loving
Nurturer.

Rosie Perera with:
Oh, funny that an all-current copulating paramour, a bulging, wife-violating golfer can be top threatened animal species. Jerk! Criminal! Cultural barbarian!

Adie Pena with:
Our neglect is alarming! Launch a proper objective: Contain hurtful man; stop current killing of an irreplaceable few by guarding a natural animal habitat!

Dharam Khalsa with:
If an animal above or a crawling creature is all gone in the future, blame unjust human neglect, contractual trapping, harbor piracy, and profitable killing.

Rosie Perera with:
I'll jump at enraging human caprice, rail at built-in neglect, flog aberrant bureaucracy, and rebuke that lunatic Palin for shooting wolves from an airplane.

Tony Crafter with:
Beautiful, noble creatures, all at near risk from the mind-boggling avarice of Man. (Japan, in particular, currently unbalancing the whale population). Tragic.

Paul Pan with:
We protest too! Bee, Aardvark, Lamb, Pig, Ram, Tuna, Crab, Corn, Lichen, Fungus, Tulip, Geranium, Chili plan an urgent "biting" rally! React, join the "Fauna-Flora Alliance"!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Tiger Polar Bear Pacific Walrus Magellanic Penguin Leatherback Turtle Bluefin Tuna Mountain Gorilla Monarch Butterfly Javan Rhinoceros Giant Panda
=
Many will face an uncertain future till a popular American burger chain go to hell... or stop funding a lumberjack intent on ravaging irreplacable habitats!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I refute, pal! Haranguing man for bankrupting nature is absurd conjectural claptrap. If an animal can no longer thrive, it may be biological, weather lull, etc.

Larry Brash with:
Baa! In principal, I blame the uncaring lumberjacks, arranging to manually cut down all the trees for another big agricultural Peruvian coffee plantation.

David Bourke with:
Global temperature warming? All a heap of crap. Utter, asinine bilge...but purely that conniving rich crank Al Gore's fault...a continual major financial burden.

Rosie Perera with:
Large concern: We love to build in their far nicer habitats, pour car fumes in the air, napalm rare gallant fauna, numbly joking about clearcutting. Appalling!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Brutal in pointing out human encroachment. But, I call a prayer for a rare macaw, a purple-faced langur - even Aboriginal tribe - all just clinging to life. Thanks.

View with:
We must protect all animals in peril of annihilation. Human race culpable of annihilation. 'Burglar', partake in very urgent object - guard bug/calf, grant care!

Adie Pena with:
URGENT! Calling all superior men! It's a big crucial job for humankind but we can help protect every natural animal habitat in a far-flung plain or great ocean!

Adrian Hickford with:
Tearful for that animal group? Humans rollick along, carry on procreating, precipitating unbelievable, unwarrantable and unjustifiable climate change...

Meyran Kraus with:

What *I'd* have gone:

Hunter
Seal Clubber
Lumberjack
Fat Oil Baron
Air Polluter
Gun Fan
Tyrant In Africa
Cigar Mogul
Nuclear Plant's Manager
Inept Politician

Ellie Dent with:
Until Man can grasp a crucial fact about rare breeds, he'll continue farming, battling to kill, much for gain; a behavior ruining a jewel... our planet. Apparently.

Neil Ramsay with:
Cite a crap, pitiful plight.

All are alive, but less abundant than

A Jabberwocky,
Gremlin,
Minotaur.

A Unicorn.
Griffin,
Centaur,
Gnome.

A Naga,
Troll,
or Leprechaun.

Dharam Khalsa with:

Can our clergy -
Evangelical, Rabbi, Chaplain, Unitarian -
Join work in a fun appeal to protect all creatures -
Great, Small, Bright and Beautiful -
From hunting men?

Tony Crafter with:
All in danger because of:

Pollution
Global warming
Tree clearance
Animal butchery
Pursuit of profit
'That' junk-burger grain-chain
MAN! (an active part in all)

David Bourke with:
In truth (after all the farcical "green" grumbling about
open carbon-monitoring!), practically all the above fauna
will end up in Jurassic Park, man! I guarantee!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The plight of any cunning animal above results in
actual jubilation for a cunning animal below:
Tracker
Trapper
Poacher
Illegal trader
Big manufacturer

Ellie Dent with:
IN TROUBLE:

1. A cat... but grr!
2. Icy ocean plunger
3. Love 'tache!
4. Man's garb?
5. Flipper
6. In a net... unfair
7. A jungle call
8. I'd go flutter in air
9. Horn's paramount
10. A black/white animal.

Ellie Dent with:
OPEN APPEAL FOR ALL:

Man just might halt our creatures' decline, accept a natural balance in nature, by outlawing overfarming, or if hunting, barbaric killing.


THE LONG CATEGORY


1st - Larry Brash with:
An eighty-six year old man went to the local doctor for his usual checkup one day.

The doctor asked how he was going and the old man said:

"I reckon things are great and I have never felt better. Best of all, I now have me a cute pretty little twenty-three year old bride who is three months pregnant with my baby. So, what do you say about that, Doctor?"

The doctor considered that question for a moment or two and then began:

"Let me tell you a story."

"I have an older friend, very much like you and he has never missed a hunting season."

"One day he was setting off to go a hunting trip. Being in a bit of a hurry, he picked up his walking cane instead of his shotgun."

=

"Now, on the lengthy trek north-west, nearing a lake, he came across a very big strong beaver sitting on the waters' shore."

"He realised that he had gone and forgotten his trusty gun and he knew he couldn't shoot this magnificent creature."

"Out of habit, he raised the cane, aimed it at the animal, as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'Bang! Bang!'"

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and, oh boy, the beaver drops over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that, eh?", enquired the doctor.

The old boy said:

"My, my! I know any fancy logic would say that likely someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied "Yes, indeed. My point exactly!"

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An Irishman was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptising people in a river.

He took his boots off and started to wade into the water, where he subsequently bumped into the preacher...

The preacher turned round and was almost overcome by the strong smell of alcohol. 'Well now,' he said to the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk gabbled, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabbed him and dunked him down under the water.

He pulled him up and asked, 'Well, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk retorted, 'No, oi have not found Jesus.'

The preacher, foxed by the answer, plunged him back into the water again for a little longer.

He pulled him out of the water again and asked, 'Right! Have you found Jesus now, my Brother?'

The drunk again answered, 'No, oi I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the baffled preacher was getting at his wits end, so he thrust him in the water again, but this time held him down for about 30 seconds, until he began thrashing his arms and legs, then dragged him up.

The preacher again asked, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk blinked his eyes, caught his breath and said to the preacher...

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'


=

A woman went to a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that its animals were all very expensive. She told the clerk she just needed to purchase a pet, but she didn't want to spend a huge fortune.

'Well,' murmured the clerk, 'I have a large bullfrog. And I hear it has been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Huh? Blow jobs!' replied the surprised woman.

'Supposedly. It hasn't been verified but we have sold 30 of them here this month,' the clerk said.

The woman thought it would be a hilarious present to get as a joke! And what if it were indeed true...? Eureka! No more dreary BJs for her! She hurriedly made the purchase.

When she revealed the frog's unusual talent to her husband, he was highly amused. 'Yeah, right!' he laughed. The woman went to bed cheerful, thinking she may never need to perform this humdrum act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the clamour of pots and pans making banging and crashing sounds downstairs. She jumped up and hurried down to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookery books.

'What on earth are you doing up at this hour?' she enquired...

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook...you're gone.'

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Quote by Mark Twain

Adie Pena with:

"Avatar"
"The Blind Side"
"District Nine"
"An Education"
"The Hurt Locker"
"Inglourious Basterds"
"Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"
"A Serious Man"
"Up"
"Up in the Air"
=
Is it "Na'vi-in-Pandora" rubbish or should the distinguished U.S. billion-earner Cameron and his popular, neat adventure pick up the "Best Picture"? See you at the Oscars!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I pulled my old car into a crowded parking lot at a handy farmers' market Thursday to do the recycling. I rolled all the windows partway down to provide my elderly dog enough fresh air. She was lying stretched out on the back seat, but I still wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there and not move.

Therefore,

~

I walked backward, pointing a finger at my old car, commanding her, "Now you stay! Do you hear me?" I hollered, "Stay, STAY!"

This frightened the well-dressed woman in a Mercedes who observed me rushing across the street full-throttle in reverse and prompted her to call out, "Hold it! Why don't you put that old rattletrap in PARK?!"


Dharam Khalsa with:
Anger Management

A husband asked his dear wife of thirty-three years, "I admit I have always had a horrible temper, but you
have never argued or complained one bit when I got mad at you. Tell me, how do you control your anger?"
=

"I clean the toilet, Frank", his lovely wife replied.

"I imagine that may help any average everyday anger. How do you manage a more barbaric mad outburst?"
the man wondered.

The good-natured woman shared, "I use your toothbrush."

Dharam Khalsa with:
Two Worm Fables:

The Nightcrawler and the Chick

One recent summer day, in the grassland's underbrush, a large nightcrawler worm had a showdown with a meddlesome sparrow chick. He addressed his relentless tormentor in scorn, "Foolish fellow! What on earth possesses you to continue this brutish mannerism of pecking at me, knowing full well that I am too big for you to swallow?"

"So, you might be too big for me to swallow, my friend," responded the obsessed chick, nodding, "but you are nevertheless a common worm, and I am fated to peck at you. Furthermore, I confess I have been dreaming of a huge juicy worm to peck at."

Just then, a splendid red-tailed hawk crisscrossed the heavens, swooped down and seized the doomed little chick in its strong talons, flying with it to its own nest in the cleft of an adjacent rock cliff.

Afterward, the nightcrawler smiled, "Fate is an odd thing. While you hunt, you are the hunted. While you dream, you are the dream."

=

The Red Worms
Two red worms lay curled up in the dark in a coffee can. For days, then weeks, they lay there. Finally one of the worms said, "I can stand this no longer. Can someone please tell me how we came to be stuck in this can?"

After a couple more hours the other worm moved just the slightest and asked, "What did you say?"

"I said," said the first worm, "is there no reason left in this crazy world?! Can somebody please tell me how we came to be stuck in this dark tin can, which to me borders on the absurd?" To illustrate his point, the first worm puffed out his red chest and wriggled and jerked as if dancing a jig in Farmer Plow's garden or enticing a lovely wormette.

"Wonderful, wonderful," marveled the second worm, egging him on, so much so that when Farmer Plow's boy came finally to bait his fishing hook there was no doubting which of the two worms looked the more succulent and desirable, and which 'unlucky' one got tossed out into the garden in disgust.


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Short verse outlining Mount Etna in Virgil's Aeneid, Book III


2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GODFATHER OF GREEK PHILOSOPHY.

Keep this philosophy in mind every time you hear, or are about to spread a rumour.

Back in ancient Greece, Socrates was widely known and lauded for his wisdom. One day the acclaimed philosopher chanced upon an acquaintance, who dashed up to him excitedly and announced, "Hey, Socrates! Do you know what I have just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to take a small test. It's called the Test of Three."

"The Test of Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before talking of my student let us take a moment to test what you are going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made sure that what you are going to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "in fact, I have only just heard about it."

"Right then," added Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. And now let's try the second test; the Test of Goodness. Is what you are going to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"All right," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you don't know for certain that it's true?"

The man looked down awkwardly, and it was obvious that he was growing very embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there's a third and final test, named the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, I think, probably not..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to relate is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, then why tell me at all?"

The man was now deflated and ashamed, and he said no more.

And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

=

RIOTOUS TIMES!

A Louisianian rancher passed away and left his estate and possessions to his spouse. The spouse, an extremely attractive woman, was eager to keep the successful ranch going but knew little about such matters, so she put out a classified ad for a ranch-labourer to assist her.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One, Matt, was gay and the other, Russ, a drunk. The woman thought about it at length and, as no one else applied, settled on Matt, the gay guy, assuming it would be safer to have him around the house than Russ the lush.

Matt proved to be a loyal, courteous employee who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranch duties too. For weeks, the two of them toiled industriously together, and the ranch progressed well.

One day, the widow said to Matt, 'You've done a really excellent job, and the ranch is a great success. You should go out on the town and treat yourself to a seriously riotous time!' she laughed.

Matt eagerly agreed and went into town that Saturday night.

One o'clock came and Matt had not returned. Two o'clock came and he'd still not returned. Eventually, he came in at around two-thirty. On entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting on the settee with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She stood up and quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Hands trembling, Matt did as she said.

'Now take off my boots.'

Slowly, he did as she said.

'Now my stockings.'

He cautiously removed each and put them on the carpet.

'Now take off my skirt.'

Reticently, Matt unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.'

He obeyed, letting let it drop to the floor.

Then she looked him in the eye and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'


3rd - Adie Pena with:
Since My Valentine Got A Computer


Tony Crafter with:
Piddling Pete


David Bourke with:
This Ole House


Dharam Khalsa with:
Jabberwocky


THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
TENA ladies' incontinence pads ~
contain and seal pee incidents.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A surefire constipation remedy =
I insert dynamite up core of arse!

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Dad, tell me how kids are born!" =
"Well, dear, dad boinks mother!"

Adie Pena with:
An asshole =
A hassle, no?

View with:
She's having a period =
He-he! So, vagina drips!

Rick Rothstein with:
The crime of passion =
Rape of nice, hot miss.


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