SEPTEMBER 2011 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2011

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The television news broadcast =
I see basic world events on that.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
A Big Mac, fries and a large Coke =
America liked cans of garbage!

3rd - Paul Pan with:
Una famiglia =
Mafia lingua.

Maurice Goddard with:
Really beautiful women ~
lure men. But a loyal wife??

Dharam Khalsa with:
Dementia? =
Detain me!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Security cameras ~
cut a year's crimes.

Dan Fortier with:
Life a sanctuary/prison? =
I plain can't say for sure.

Tony Crafter with:
Petitioned for divorce on the grounds of adultery =
Deed's proof: Lover orgy trio found nude in the attic!

nedesto with:
Religion is the opiate of the masses =
Sheep go into siesta after homilies.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Read my lips: No New Taxes! ~
was only sad experiment.

View with:
The attorneys =
Testy, no heart.

Meyran Kraus with:
The police batons ~
enable cops to hit.

Neil Ramsay with:
Circumstantial evidence =
Traducement in civil case.

Adie Pena with:
The real meaning of Christmas =
Men -- ah, Magi! -- reflect on His star.

Adie Pena with:
A prime suspect =
Sap set up crime.

Harshal M. with:
Tabloid newspaper headlines =
Had I *wanted* brainless people?!

Paul Pan with:
Binge eating =
A "biting" gene?

Dean Mayer with:
Binge drinkers =
Risking bender.

Larry Brash with:
Realise danger, cut our ~
recreational drug use.

Rosie Perera with:
Catatonic parent tidying ~
a potty training accident.

Larry Brash with:
Recreational drug use =
Dealers incur outrage.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Marionette =
Ornate item.

Rick Rothstein with:
Computer animation =
An optimum creation.

View with:
Computer animation =
Minute to panoramic.

Rosie Perera with:
If anything falls into "desuetude" =
The end: its use finally fading out.

Maurice Goddard with:
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. =
Great Beauty is infinitely great in Mozart, sir.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Monetary resource =
Treasurer, economy.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Have fun, gay soldier. ~
Give yourself a hand!

Ivan Andonov with:
Grim Reaper =
Eager Mr. RIP.

Rob Bretveld with:
I hate my job =
Joy time? Bah!

Ivan Andonov with:
Safely remove hardware =
Evade a mere flash worry.

Adie Pena with:
The rainforest =
Another strife.

Ellie Dent with:
An ill-fitting shoe =
Tight? No, all is fine.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The journey to work ‡
Enjoy two-hour trek.

Christopher Sturdy with:
My bin ‡
Nimby.

Rosie Perera with:
An engineered longevity =
Lying in Eden, never to age.


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
The Silence of the Lambs: a motion picture =
One's meal is complete... but for the Chianti.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Female ballet dancers =
Smaller feet balanced.

3rd - Dean Mayer with:
Kenyan safari camp =
Many African peaks.

Adie Pena with:
Desperate Housewives =
We rush, see a TV episode.

nedesto with:
Mona Lisa inspires ~
Parisian smiles, no?

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Snape kills Dumbledore =
Skull-be-damned Spoiler!

Ellie Dent with:
'Ernst Stavro Blofeld' in 'OHMS', ~
also the first 'Mr Bond' novels.

Adie Pena with:
"The Lion King" in Three-D =
Liked nothing in there!

Adie Pena with:
The writer and feminist Louisa May Alcott =
As I faced a truth, I'm in a "Little Women" story.

Tony Crafter with:
'And When Did You Last See Your Father?' =
A Roundhead: "Thy sire flew on Tuesday?"

Harshal M. with:
The Harry Potter series' final movie =
I see their orphan for very last time.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Computer animation =
Motion picture mana.

View with:
Russian Bolshoi Ballet =
Soloist ballerina's hub.

Meyran Kraus with:
The American suspense film 'Misery' =
Help, my nurse is frenetic! I am a mess!

Meyran Kraus with:
The disaster film 'Titanic' =
Timid cast flirt in the sea.

Tony Crafter with:
Soprano singer Dame Kiri Te Kanawa =
Meaning, a Kiwi opera star so ranked.

Meyran Kraus with:
REM's modesty is over, but hey, ~
"everybody hurts sometimes..."

Dharam Khalsa with:
Walt Disney Studios' "The Lion King" in Three-D =
Sensation in there would delight tiny kids.


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

eq1st - Ed Pegg Jr with:
National Muscle Growth Day =
Doing what comes naturally.

eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The September Eleventh memorial in NY =
It mainly helps one remember the event.

eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
Nine/Eleven Tenth Anniversary =
Enshrine a relevant event in N.Y.

eq3rd - Dean Mayer with:
Neutrinos seen to travel faster than light =
So Einstein's great "half-truth" not relevant.

Adie Pena with:
Hurricane Irene's damage ~
has ruined green America!

Rosie Perera with:
That angler Irene took ~
the Arlington Oak tree.

Maurice Goddard with:
Palin still undecided on White House run =
Huh? President? Could win? One ill nuts idea!!

Don P Fortier with:
Tropical Storm Lee hit Louisiana =
A little too much rain is a spoiler.

Maurice Goddard with:
Study: Many Europeans have mental disorders =
Aha! Randomly, mad depressive nutty neuroses!

Maurice Goddard with:
Gaddafi loyalists make desert escape, ~
as pig-eyed masked dictator flees! Alas.

Adie Pena with:
I got a local leading article on Sarah Palin: ~
"A Serial, Congenital and Pathological Liar."

View with:
Local 'Times' report: ~
"Tropical storm Lee."

nedesto with:
The ten year anniversary of September eleventh =
Fiery then, yet noble Manhattan ever perseveres.

Harshal M. with:
The World Trade Center in New York =
A northerly tower wreck, intended.

Paul Pan with:
The sovereign debt crisis ~
hits Greece, investors bid.

Rosie Perera with:
TSA to change pat-down rules for kids =
Dude, can't frisk a plane tot! How gross!

David Bourke with:
Bailing-out the Greeks' economy =
Looking at the rescue...big money!

Tony Crafter with:
The economy of Southern Ireland =
Done. Euro crash hit. No money left.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Obama: "This is not class warfare -- It's math." =
For him, this was a stab at lost Americans.

Rosie Perera with:
Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite =
It erupts. Alarm scares the people here.

Adie Pena with:
(The) death row inmate controversy ~
on when Troy Davis met (the) Creator.

Ellie Dent with:
US financial woes =
USA oil fans wince.

Tony Crafter with:
The manslaughter trial of Dr Conrad Murray in LA =
Man's error and drug ration hurt Michael fatally?


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Catherine, the royal Duchess of Cambridge =
Cherish her soft beauty and melodic grace.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The US General Douglas MacArthur of WWII =
Waged with famous courage: "I shall return!"

3rd - Harshal M. with:
The terrorist Osama bin Laden =
Satan's older brother, I mean it!

View with:
Salvatore Licitra =
It is real vocal art.

nedesto with:
Ray A. Kroc the founder of McDonald's ~
rocked many a fast-food lunch order.

Ellie Dent with:
Auguste Rodin, the French sculptor ~
thought 'Penseur' could stir France.

Larry Brash with:
US Open winner, Samantha Stosur =
An Aussie sportswoman runneth.

Paul Pan with:
All Greek men adore a hot ~
Angela Dorothea Merkel!

John Fidler with:
Albert Szent Gyorgyi=
Glib "Try zesty orange!"

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Luis Rechani Agrait ‡
Christina Aguilera.

Adie Pena with:
The Wendy's founder Dave Thomas ~
served humans food they wanted.

Ellie Dent with:
Maya Angelou =
You name a gal.

Ivan Andonov with:
Mads Mikkelsen =
Meek slim Dansk.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Eleanor Roosevelt =
One late rose lover.

Adie Pena with:
Marcello Mastroianni =
Local main star in Rome.

Mey K. with:
The French microbiologist Louis Pasteur =
"Boil the rich snail soup to cure it of germs!"


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Palace Theatre, NY =
Enact a play there.

2nd - View with:
Middle East countries ~
must decide relations.

3rd - Harshal M. with:
United States of America =
Fat and mature societies.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Bandelier National Monument =
Natural noble Indian memento.

View with:
The Russian space hotel =
Is such plan to see Earth.

Rosie Perera with:
California's Shark Protection Act =
Patrol attacks on rare iconic fish.

Larry Brash with:
Ritalin (methylphenidate) =
It helped many in the trial.

nedesto with:
The Victoria's Secret catalogues =
See our choicest attractive gals!

Adie Pena with:
Ground Zero, Lower Manhattan, New York =
Your great known motherland "war zone."

Tony Crafter with:
Amy Winehouse Foundation =
Now use name in aid of youth.

Adie Pena with:
The Amy Winehouse Foundation =
Oh, we unify. To donate is humane.

Rosie Perera with:
Alternative Custody Program =
Cart me outta prison? Very glad!

David Bourke with:
Alcoholics Anonymous meeting =
Come on, come in a lush...go saintly!

Larry Brash with:
Anagram Artist for Windows =
Am sorting for Awards I want.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Emergency evacuation drill =
Calmer in danger etc. - you live!

Tony Crafter with:
Tony Blair Associates =
Or: 'Assistance To Libya'?

Larry Brash with:
Kentucky Fried Chicken =
Check... I find turkey neck!

Ellie Dent with:
CFAR: Centre for Freudian Analysis and Research =
Inner Child, or fears, can surface ... and years after.

Dean Mayer with:
A story for the Daily Mail =
Royal Family to read this.

Ivan Andonov with:
A pound sterling =
England pours it.


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Monsters that someone made up:

Hannibal Lecter
Norman Bates
Carrie
Damien
'Aliens'
Jason Voorhees
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

=

Modern creeps that are *real* monsters:

Charles Manson
Ted Bundy
Ayatollah Khomeini
Reverend Jim Jones
Osama bin Laden.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A cop pulls in two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "Tell me your name and address."

"I'm Paddy Kevin Sheehan, of no fixed abode."
~
The cop nods and asks the next drunk for his address as well.

"Oi'm Seamus Airey Bindy and oi live in the flat one up from Paddy."

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Lewis Carroll from "Through the Looking Glass" =
So it's morning. First, I believe I might possibly:

Take a bath
Exercise dogs
Smell flowers
Shelve books for sale
Hum
Anagram

nedesto with:
The Great Apes:
1. Gorillas;
2. Bonobos;
3. Orangutans; and
4. Chimpanzees
=
1. Largest size
2. Do go carnal
3. Orange happiness
4. Teams hunt baboon

Rosie Perera with:
Michele Bachmann's plan: eliminate Dept. of Education =
Inept female dunce antic: "Ah, I'd implement a school ban!"

Maurice Goddard with:
McDonald's puts calories on the menu - but is anyone counting? =
A potent unit!! Damned nonsensical to consume such oily grub!

Rosie Perera with:
Some people get their news from The Daily Show, many others get it from a cable broadcasting network, maybe CNN or ABC. =
Others watch The Colbert Report. Babe, I like to get my news facts or common new headline spoofs by reading Anagrammy.

Dharam Khalsa with:
How can you be sure that an elephant has been in the fridge? =
And then the answer: By a huge footprint in bleu cheese. Aha!

Adie Pena with:
West Side Highway (west); and Liberty (south), Church (east) and Vesey Streets (north) =
Says they saw these very signs which bound that U.S. site -- the World Trade Center.

Dean Mayer with:
Removal of unacceptable forum posts by website admin =
We prevent spam - combat abuse from bullies too, I'd fancy.

Maurice Goddard with:
Amy Winehouse is still here with me... we'll save kids from drugs =
"My work... Her melodies will give us fresh stimuli, as she wanted."

Adie Pena with:
The U.S. professional tennis star Serena Jameka Williams? ~
After losses, I like a simple winner -- Samantha Jane Stosur!

Rosie Perera with:
"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally." - Oscar Wilde =
A troll is a nerd enemy who incites us with a long uneven litany of general nonsense.

Harshal M. with:
"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally." - Oscar Wilde =
A troll is one new, annoying online dunce who massively engulfs the Internet areas.

Adie Pena with:
Christina Aguilera, Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton =
A sensual gal, neat lad, rocker and eligible man here in "The Voice."

Adie Pena with:
The nude HUSBAND in new shoes asked: "Do you see something that's new?" WIFE replied: "No, your dick is pointing down as always." ~
Penis wounded, undressed HUSBAND said aloud: "It is looking at my new shoes, honey!" WIFE spoke: "Why not get a nice new hat, sir?"

Maurice Goddard with:
The United States of America Republican Presidential Candidates ~
are ambitious, fancied, tactile, unelected star-and-stripe pinheads!

Maurice Goddard with:
Cardinal numbers up to a hundred, written one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, et cetera... =
Fanatic expert hundred-count fun! Interesting overview here: We've not one letter 'a' in these ideal numbers!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Downton Abbey to battle Doctor Who in feature-length Christmas special? =
Can not see both out of that BBC Timelord and telly showpiece ratings war.

Maurice Goddard with:
The female of the species is more deadly than the male =
Tee-hee! The fame as PM of old semi-senile Lady Thatcher!


THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
"Man would sooner have the void for his purpose than be void of purpose." - Nietzsche =
I've a hunch the poor souls who'd favour Emptiness above Hope do not prize friends.

2nd - nedesto with:
"Man would sooner have the void for his purpose than be void of purpose." - Nietzsche =
Fred theosophizes about the answer of unproved nihilism over unopposed havoc.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
"Man would sooner have the void for his purpose than be void of purpose." - Nietzsche. =
Philosophizer thus
endeavors to move us
in vain: but we cope
for add on fresh hope.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Oh, even vociferous women pursue Bodhisattva and/or Zen philosophies for depth!

Adie Pena with:
I've dumped frivolous happiness and I've chosen our hopes than to be of zero worth.

Maurice Goddard with:
"Absurd haze! Philosophers ever confuse! TV's a profound void to me!" - Winnie the Pooh

Maurice Goddard with:
"Voids prove hazardous! No but! Daft philosophers ever confuse me!" - Winnie the Pooh

Dharam Khalsa with:
Briton: "Humph! Odd how one's overzealous push in overdrive has an opposite effect."

Dean Mayer with:
Provocative philosophizer's unneeded observation shows me profound fate, huh?

Tony Crafter with:
"To survive and open Heaven's door, search for nowt!" he philosophized. Piteous bumf!

Dharam Khalsa with:
He who opts for subdued razor-to-vein suicide perhaps has no hope of involvement.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Profs who've studied the cosmos vanish over the horizon, are people found in a pub.

Adie Pena with:
Show the ever foolish √úbermensch vision of "Zarathustra" done on popped-up video! ;-)

Rosie Perera with:
"Oh, I've vouched: thin step for a man, but oversized hop for us persons," whooped Neil A.

Larry Brash with:
One brash Oz (perhaps he's over-involved in the Forum) opposed a few uncouth idiots.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Friedrich was the devout philosopher, but oozed a venom over happiness...so, no fun!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Poor human has zip funds saved. Now evicted, he prefers oblivion to the poorhouse!

Maurice Goddard with:
"Huh? Voids to me favour Heaven's fount or powers." - Philosopher Benedict de Spinoza

Dharam Khalsa with:
I have proof: Vet sons use much-popularized spin on the vow: "Death before Dishonor".

Harshal M. with:
Oh, people favour sense, but then I approach this odd one of zero mind who survives!

Rob Bretveld with:
Poor chap's sad vow: ponder the size of the universe, hold a numb vision of true hope.

Maurice Goddard with:
Oh! A hopeful, devious, anthropomorphized sphere, of transcendent obvious views?

Maurice Goddard with:
"Thou do worship our void's ache: Upper bid, off to Zion's Haven!" - Psalm One Three Seven

Maurice Goddard with:
"Thou do bid worship our void's upper ache: Off to Zion! Psalm one-three-seven's Haven."

Christopher Sturdy with:
Zero - it's such an odd, oppressive view.
Both no hope nor faith... hopefuls are unmoved.


Paul Pan with:
He aphorized:
1. The Lord perished
2. Covet one superman
3. Vow to vanish pious buffoons.

Tony Crafter with:
Purpose? Winehouse found a rich share from pop. And the velvet void? In booze shots.

Dharam Khalsa with:
He found, and I too found, when push comes to shove, the proverbial prize vaporises.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Ooh, I found a philosophized truth behind a suspect raven's vows of 'Nevermore!'" - Poe


THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
A woman awoke to find that her husband wasn't in their bed. She went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, all deep in thought, staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his face and take another sip of his coffee.

"Coming down here now? It's midnight. What's the problem dear?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you weren't even 16?" he asked.

"How I do." she said.

"And remember when your father found us, out in the back seat of my old Buick?"

"I do."

"And remember him shoving that shotgun right in front of my face and saying, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend the next 20 years in prison'?"

"I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear and said, "I would've gotten out today."

=

Chad was in a mess of man-trouble again. He had forgotten his 2nd wedding anniversary! His feared wife was inhumanly furious at him.

She irately fumed at him, threatening, "Okay you idiot! Tomorrow I want a fancy gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 120 in 6 seconds. May God mark my words: IT HAD BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning, he got up early and went to work. When his moody wife awoke, she peered out the window and Aha! discovered sure enough there was a small present which he had gift-wrapped in the middle of the street.

Abashed, the wife put on her robe, walked out to the street, and took the present back in the house.

Opening it up, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Chad has been missing since Friday.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE TOP TEN GREATEST AMERICANS OF ALL TIME
(As voted by the people of America)

1 Ronald Reagan
2 Abraham Lincoln
3 Martin Luther King
4 George Washington
5 Benjamin Franklin
6 George W Bush
7 Bill Clinton
8 Elvis Presley
9 Oprah Winfrey
10 Franklin D Roosevelt
=
1 Actor, became President
2 Responsible for abolishing slavery
3 Man with a dream
4 See an open, noble man
5 Father of the US Nation
6 The Jerk
7 Fine cigar lover
8 Hip-swivelling rock 'n' roll King
9 Female, had a long-running tittle-tattle program
10 Bygone War ally


Eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The top music artists of all time with more than two hundred million record sales worldwide (going by third-party sales figures and displayed in no particular order):

1. The Beatles
2. Madonna
3. Led Zeppelin
4. Elvis Presley
5. Abba
6. The Rolling Stones
7. Elton John
8. Queen
9. Celine Dion
10. Pink Floyd
11. Michael Jackson
12. Bee Gees
13. AC/DC
14. Mariah Carey

=

My crazy grandpa Joe rating these artists:

1. "Damn hippies!"
2. "Trollop."
3. "Your dad liked them once. Now he's deaf. Coincidence?"
4. "Hillbilly."
5. "Nordic swingers."
6. "Hopped up on reefers."
7. "Male dandy."
8. "More dandies!"
9. "We'll need to bomb Quebec for that."
10. "Gotta call it 'noise'."
11. "Is this an Asian girl?"
12. "No balls there."
13. "Trolls and junkies."
14. "Leave me her picture, will ya?"

Eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
THE WORLD'S HEAVIEST ANIMALS*
1. Blue Whale
2. Whale Shark
3. African Elephant
4. Indian Elephant
5. White Rhinoceros
6. Hippopotamus
7. Giraffe
8. Crocodile
9. Asian Gaur
10. Bison, Kodiak Bear, Yak, Giant Eland and Alaskan Moose
=
REASON WHY AMERICA IS NOW OH SO OBESE!
1. The High-Calorie Breakfast
2. Doughnut
3. Milkshake
4. Soda
5. Banana Pudding
6. Hawaiian Pineapple Dessert
7. Vanilla Ice Cream
8. All-Fat Pork
9. Whole (or Half) Steak
10. An Italian Dinner

Maurice Goddard with:
The top twelve all-time absolute worst people in history, ranked by the wisdom of the crowd.

1. Adolf Hitler
2. Joseph Stalin
3. Pol Pot
4. Idi Amin
5. Osama bin Laden
6. Heinrich Himmler
7. Josef Mengele
8. Kim Chong-il
9. Joseph Goebbels
10. Benito Mussolini
11. Saddam Hussein
12. Mao Zedong
=
1. Oh! Ill Nazi bellowed. Now in Hell.
2. Soviet Dictator.
3. I see "Khmer Ogre".
4. Non-white Cannibal.
5. Some SEALS got him.
6. Jumped-up ill Gestapo top.
7. "Angel of Death".
8. North Korea's "His Majesty".
9. Wimp poisoned himself.
10. Him: Fascism's Belly-button
11. "The Rope" ended him!
12. "Jism Baboon" - Red Idol.


Maurice Goddard with:
His Royal Highness Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor


Maurice Goddard with:
Ten of the most Famous Norwegians throughout history, plus one who was infamous.

1: Roald Engebreth Gravning Amundsen
2: Fridtjof Nansen
3: Thor Heyerdahl
4: Edvard Munch
5: Henrik Johan Ibsen
6: Edvard Hagerup Grieg
7: Knut Hamsun
8: Liv Ullmann
9: Sigrid Undset
10: Ole Gunnar Solskjaer
11: Vidkun Abraham Lauritz Jonsson Quisling

=

1: Dogged South Pole Adventurer.
2: NNW Adventurer had far sights.
3: "Kon-Tiki" and "Ra" Adventurer.
4: High art Genius.
5: Mine "Man of Words". Hallelujah!
6: Songs Sunny Composer!
7: Nobel winner!
8: Smashing Histrion!
9: Novelist! Smashing too!
10: Just a funny Man.U. footballer. Hurrah!
11: Huh? Goddamned unnerving Quasi-Nazi Humbug! Jerk of all jerks.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The opening lines of "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens


Maurice Goddard with:
Top Ten World's Ugliest Creatures:

1. Blobfish
2. Aye Aye
3. Naked Mole Rat
4. Star Nosed Mole
5. Horseshoe Bat
6. Tarsier
7. Hagfish
8. Sloth
9. Turkey Vulture
10. Mata Mata

=

A lousy shoal!
Earth's Three Look-alike Dumbest:

1+2+3+4: Meet Terror's Arch-devil, George W. Bush!
5+6: Meet Daft Fatuous Ass, Sarah Palin!
7+8+9+10: Meet Snotty Rat, Tony Blair!

Maurice Goddard with:
Top Ten European Cuisines

1: Sumptuous Spain
2: Lush Lithuania
3: Gratifying Greece
4: Flavorsome France
5: Refreshing Romania
6: Enticing Italy
7: Beautiful Belgium
8: Heavenly Hungary
9: Tasty Turkey
10: Ravishing Russia

=

I sure itch!!

1: Tapas Fame!
2: Yummy Cepelinai!
3: Your Vegetarian Heaven!
4: Frogs! Truffles! Snails!
5: Superior Meats!
6: Stunning Fruity Cuisine!
7: Huge Healthy Portions!
8: Intriguing Goulash!
9: Genuine Kebab!
10: Naturally, Caviar!!

Maurice Goddard with:
The Most Popular Dog Breeds In America (and For Good Reasons!)

1: Labrador Retrievers
2: Yorkshire Terriers
3: German Shepherds
4: Golden Retrievers
5: Beagles
6: Boxers
7: Dachshunds
8: Poodles (Standard)
9: Shih Tzus
10: Bulldogs
11: Miniature Schnauzers
12: Chihuahuas
13: Rottweilers
14: Pomeranians
15: Cavalier King Charles Spaniels

=

1: Good-natured!
2: Great sure chums!
3: Lovable big pets!
4: Dearest companions!
5: Chases hares like hell!
6: Obedient heroes!
7: Spirited as puppies!
8: Clever trick learners dazzle us!
9: Horrors to brush!
10: I named mine "Winston"!
11: Ours has a hairdo!
12: Hers travels in a handbag!
13: Ranches "Grrrrrr" guard dogs.
14: Small red foxes?
15: Hi! Noisy dears!

Paul Pan with:
Top Ten subtler forms of discrimination

1. Heightism
2. Ageism
3. Colorism
4. Linguicism
5. Name discrimination
6. Attractiveness
7. Speech discrimination
8. Weight discrimination
9. Ginger discrimination
10. Baldness

=

1. Indict DeVito con
2. Smite geriatrics
3. Maroon maroons!
4. Comic Finn singing
5. Discredit *Hussein* Obama
6. Nice swinging tits, men!
7. Inhibit "stammering"!
8. I trim Oprah
9. I hate Lucille
10. Starfleet mission: dismiss Picard!

Harshal M. with:
Voted the Top Ten Greatest Americans Ever:

1. Thomas Jefferson
2. Ronald Reagan
3. George Washington
4. Abe Lincoln
5. Ben Franklin
6. Thomas Edison
7. James Madison
8. John Adams
9. Teddy Roosevelt
10. Martin Luther King Junior

=

1. Jolliest boss.
2. Like the actor, honey?
3. Major fighting man.
4. Off against slave jerks.
5. An old inventor.
6. Another inventor.
7. Someone underweight.
8. President changed standards.
9. One memorable manager.
10. Not just a dream!


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY


1st - Tony Crafter with:
Antarctica


2nd - Adie Pena with:
Silence (Over Manhattan)


3rd - nedesto with:
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly clandestine positions are hard to fill, and then there's a lot of testing and background scrutiny involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks and the training and the testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three: two males and one female, but there was only one position available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get to have the secretive job. The men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our orders whatever the circumstances," they calmly told him. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Now you must take the gun and kill her."

The man looked horrified and said, "No! You can't be serious!" "I wouldn't ever harm my dear wife!" he sobbed. "Well," said the tough CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for the job then. Now leave."

So then they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the gun. "We must know that you will follow our orders no matter what the circumstances." Then they told the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Now take the gun and kill her."
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The second man looked very shocked and sick, but nevertheless took the gun and went armed into the room. All was silent for about five minutes. The door opened; the man came out of the room clenching his eyes in pain. Crying, he said. "I panicked. I tried to shoot twice, but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I was never the man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have the icy nerves of a CIA agent. You can go home with your wife."

Now only the woman was left. The CIA guys led her to the same door and same room and handed her the gun. They said, "We must be sure you will follow every instruction no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun, go in, and kill him with it."

The woman took the gun, ran, and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for fifteen shots. All hell broke loose in the room. They heard manic screaming, clanking, and frantic banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went silent.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped sweat from her brow and ranted, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Maurice Goddard with:
Solomon Grundy


Tony Crafter with:
BRITAIN'S NEW DESTROYER

A Press Release to report the introduction of the latest British Type 45 Destroyers:

Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capabilities of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Costing £850 million to build, these destroyers have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century. In addition to having ongoing state of the art technology, weaponry, and satellite guidance systems, the ships will also comply with the very latest employment, equality, Health and Safety and Human Rights legislations.

These ships will be able to remain at sea for several months and are positively bristling with facilities. For example, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with full wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs in order to minimise the risk of anyone getting hurt and to reduce the number of possible compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on hand 24 hours a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal too.

The crew will have the same number of women as men, being balanced strictly by the book in accordance with the current Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disabilities.

Sailors will only have to work for a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health and Safety job rules, even in wartime!

All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward located on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Wardroom.
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The Royal Navy is anxious to shed its flawed traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water. Although sodomy stays, it has now been extended to include naval ratings under 18. The lash will still be made available but only by request.

Saluting officers has been ditched because it is elitist, and will be replaced by the more informal "Hello sailor".

All notices displayed onboard will be printed in exactly 37 different languages (and 4 in Braille).

Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women.

The Ministry Of Defence is working on a new, updated "Non-specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.

The ship is scheduled to be launched on 25th August in a ceremony conducted by the cleric Captain Hook, VIP (late of Finsbury Park Mosque) who will smash a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide down into the water to the catchy 'Village People' tune "In the Navy", played by the trusty band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines.

Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be escorting 50 boatloads of illegal immigrants across the channel for resettlement in 4 towns along the south coast.

The Prime Minister said that, whilst the new Type 45 ships reflected the very latest in modern thinking, they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation that may be introduced. His final words were: "Britain never waives the rules!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
A Cliff Dwelling


Maurice Goddard with:
His Royal Highness The Prince Charles Philip Arthur George [version II]


Harshal M. with:
50 Things To Do On an Exam, When You Know That You Are Going To Fail It Anyway


Maurice Goddard with:
I love coffee, I love tea


Maurice Goddard with:
When I fall in love



THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - View with:
A penis surgery =
Guyness repair.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Fake orgasm's entire goal? =
Stroke a man's fragile ego!

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
All things considered, ~
dildoes enchant girls.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Oh no. I am back again after two weeks' summer holidays. =
Bam! Soon as I saw the memo... I fucking hate work already!

Maurice Goddard with:
Repetitious tickling of my girlfriend's teats ~
resulted in a Mrs crying: "GET OFF! STOP IT! I LIKE IT!!!"

Maurice Goddard with:
Why God Created Woman from Man's Rib =
My big hard-on framed to screw woman!!

nedesto with:
See her clitoris? =
Closer... Here it is!

Adie Pena with:
The exchange of bodily fluids =
Oh, guy and bitch led life of sex.

Paul Pan with:
Sex addiction =
AIDS, toxic end.

Maurice Goddard with:
Sexual intercourse ~
oils a cuter ex nurse!!

Paul Pan with:
African penises ~
fiercen ass pain.

nedesto with:
"Love means never having to say you're sorry" =
Your theory never involves an easy orgasm!

Dean Mayer with:
Graffiti in the women's toilets =
Females to write it? No f*ing shit!

Tony Crafter with:
A stand-up comedian =
So, I'm a deadpan cunt.

Adie Pena with:
Pornographic videos =
Chap does poor virgin.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Egg, shit and cunts is ~
a disgusting stench.

Ivan Andonov with:
New Facebook profile timeline =
Not welcome if I like a beef porn!


The Anagrammy Awards