JANUARY 2012 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2012

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Rick Rothstein with:
A lot of sins, hence... ~
the Confessional.

2nd - View with:
Absolution =
Obtain soul

3rd - nedesto with:
71% of women usually do think their asses are damn big ~
but 17%, if so asked, would nonetheless marry him again!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Worthiness ~
wins others.

Adie Pena with:
Anchorperson =
Or he's a CNN pro.

Dr. Charles G. Waugh with:
Short station break ~
aborts another skit.

Dr. Charles G. Waugh with:
Inherent pitfall =
all the fine print.

Dr. Charles G. Waugh with:
Why, you Dadaist... ~
what did you say?

Rosie Perera with:
Ship set alee ~
plies the sea.

Dr. Charles G. Waugh with:
The institution of marriage =
I figure it is no threat to man.

Larry Brash with:
The Italians' famous driving style =
Note: I am alluding this is very fast.

Tony Crafter with:
Disorganized speech, delusions, hallucinations =
Alludes to a schizophrenic son in denial, I'd guess?

Don Fortier with:
That odd rascal speeds in his canoe =
Has paddled across the oceans in it

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Unspecified category =
Need its page if they occur.

Rosie Perera with:
Don't poke an angry bear with a stick =
Stand way back or hike on, pattering.

Dean Mayer with:
Actions speak louder than words =
So, talk - it has produced no answer.

Maurice Goddard with:
Those hot girls competing in beauty contests ~
must be strictly photogenic to shine on stage!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Catholic priests =
Chapel scrotitis?

David Bourke with:
American politics =
Race implications

Dharam Khalsa with:
In background essays, poli-tics meant ~
many bloodsucking parasite insects.

Dean Mayer with:
The amateur guitarists =
It's thus I get ear trauma.

View with:
Gerontology =
Loon got grey.

Adie Pena with:
These American politicians =
Parasitical men, i.e., no ethics.

Adie Pena with:
Endodontic molar therapy =
Opened my third root canal!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Short and sweet =
That word sense

Adie Pena with:
Sexually Transmitted Disease =
I date less. AIDS may result next!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Adherence to faith can sap truth, so ~
the separation of church and state.

Rosie Perera with:
"Self-deportation" =
Poor left instead.

Rosie Perera with:
Self-deprecation =
I reflected on sap

Ivan Andonov with:
Senior =
I snore.

Rick Rothstein with:
In one's old age =
I need no goals.

View with:
He skips a nasty ~
Sisyphean task.

Rosie Perera with:
Endorsing someone for United States President =
Gesture tended to form sane residents' opinions.

Ivan Andonov with:
Route plan =
Tour Nepal.

Rosie Perera with:
Anagram techniques =
Q meant searching a U.

Harshal M. with:
The online store =
Role is on the 'Net.

Ellie Dent with:
Haunted boneyard =
An unearthed body

Meyran Kraus with:
The menus for vegetarians =
Never get us meat, nor a fish!

Meyran Kraus with:
My son I bear ~
is an embryo.

Rosie Perera with:
TLDR (internet lingo for "too long, didn't read") =
Ignored odd, drifting torrent. No talent. LOL!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The menus for vegetarians =
The man's favourite greens.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The menus for vegetarians ~
must have entrees of grain.

Rosie Perera with:
Euthanising unwanted pet dogs =
Pounds engage in this, and we "tut".


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mad genius Dr. No =
Dangerous mind!

Eq2nd - nedesto with:
Alas, I'm no ~
Mona Lisa.

Eq2nd - Dr. Charles G. Waugh with:
American football =
To me, a banal frolic.

Adie Pena with:
The cinematic masterpiece =
A thematic epic screen item.

Harshal M. with:
The romantic movie "New Year's Eve" =
"Everyone's in it! What came over me?"

Dharam Khalsa with:
The new Steven Spielberg film "War Horse" =
British fellows, even Germans, wept here.

nedesto with:
Dante's Divine Comedy:
1. Inferno
2. Purgatorio
3. Paradiso
=
1. Condemnation
2. Reparation of desire
3. Savior: "Giddy up!"

Adie Pena with:
The George Lucas Star Wars motion pictures =
A trim Han Solo rescues target groups twice!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" =
Good treat other than "Twilight".

Rob Bretveld with:
The People's Choice Awards =
Hipster accolades, we hope.

Tony Crafter with:
The TV period drama series 'Downton Abbey' =
New, British-bred soap many are devoted to!

Ellie Dent with:
'War Horse', a new Steven Spielberg movie =
Weep, observing where animal's to serve.

Ivan Andonov with:
The movie ‚€œAmerican Psycho‚€ =
"My vice here is to chop a man."

Dharam Khalsa with:
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark =
So, sit children--try a Stoker tale.

View with:
The Oscar nominee =
Notice hero's name.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day" =
Daily bungling or a dry humor.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Coverage of the London Olympic Games =
Glad of money, TV companies cheer logo.

Meyran Kraus with:
The American writer Theodor Seuss Geisel =
Real tongue twisters cheer me, so I read his!


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Ivan Andonov with:
United States Marine Corps =
Its men urinated at corpses.

Eq2nd - Adie Pena with:
Italian captain Francesco Schettino =
Fatal inaction in catastrophic scene.

Eq2nd - nedesto with:
1. Romney
2. Santorum
3. Gingrich
4. Paul
5. Perry
6. Bachmann
=
1. Inhuman
2. Creepy
3. Grumpy
4. Boring
5. Charlatan
6. Mrs. "No!"

Adie Pena with:
New Year's resolutions =
Seriously earnest now?

Rosie Perera with:
There's something wrong in this country when ~
morons, when eighteen, own thirty guns. Christ!

Adie Pena with:
The weather in January? =
Yeah, I rather want June!

Rosie Perera with:
Rick Santorum Would 'Invalidate' Gay Marriages =
"Yuck! Male lovers draw irritation, damaging USA."

View with:
Egyptian court continues trial of Mubarak =
Prosecution back in to maul a tyrant figure

Rosie Perera with:
The Long Island Serial Killer =
I'd stalk girls here, all online.

Rosie Perera with:
Congress can trade on insider info with impunity?! =
Yes, I find corruption and crime set in Washington.

Rosie Perera with:
Outside norms, NH prefers Mitt =
The first Mormon U.S. president?

Rick Rothstein with:
The United States Marine Corps soldiers =
Crude lads start to piss on their enemies.

View with:
Italy cruise ship 'Costa Concordia' =
Chaos, corpses, a loud cry. Titanic II?

Rosie Perera with:
GOP Candidate Mitt Romney? =
A party committee nodding.

Rosie Perera with:
The sunken Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia =
I run close, hit unanticipated rocks in sea. Chaos!

Dean Mayer with:
The Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia =
I could hear Captain Schettino's "Ciao!", sir

Dean Mayer with:
The horrendous death drama in Italy =
That's another dream holiday ruined

Christopher Sturdy with:
An idiot manages to capsize that cruise liner =
Rome's Italian Guard seize Captain Schettino.

David Bourke with:
The cruise liner the Costa Concordia =
A hole occurred...Schettino is a cretin!

Rosie Perera with:
Eastman Kodak Files For Bankruptcy =
As film factory tanked, broke up, sank.

Harshal M. with:
English Wikipedia's Blackout =
Idea will thus be kicking SOPA.

Rosie Perera with:
Newt Gingrich wins in South Carolina =
Nation/Church wailing: "It's worsening!"

Rosie Perera with:
"Winningest coach" Joe Paterno dies =
Chastised, an ejection, now gone. RIP!

Rosie Perera with:
An oil embargo =
O, go blame Iran!

Rosie Perera with:
Chinese Lunar New Year, the Year of the Dragon =
A funny astrology adherence in there, we hear.

David Bourke with:
"Accidentally" falling into a ship's lifeboat =
Bang! Silly old Captain Schettino! A life "Fail"!

Maurice Goddard with:
Oldest dinosaur nest site found =
Fossils in stone turned out dead!

Rosie Perera with:
The Federal Meat Inspection Act =
Detect encephalitis at one farm.

Tony Crafter with:
Commandos have rescued pirate hostages in Somalia =
Go! As macho marines set loose aid captives unharmed!

Tony Crafter with:
Commandos have rescued pirate hostages in Somalia =
As macho marines set loose, aid captives go unharmed!

Rosie Perera with:
The Syrian government =
No amnesty, never! Right!

Meyran Kraus with:
Israel's relations with Iran =
So war is near, still in the air..

Dharam Khalsa with:
Woman ‚€œmarries‚€ a building to protest its demolition =
Girl submits a prim, "I do" to old inanimate stone tower.

Rob Bretveld with:
Florida's Republican primary =
I dump rally, brace for aspirin.

Rosie Perera with:
Herald recalls dog won at ~
The Golden Collar Awards.


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
British scientist Stephen William Hawking =
Knew spacetime with his brilliant insights.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Francesco Schettino =
Fronts chaotic scene

Eq3rd - Ivan Andonov with:
USA actor Christopher Allen Lloyd =
So, I'll launch three "Doc" portrayals.

Eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
Santorum =
Mr. USA? NOT!

Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Chat-show host Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan =
Smug, hot-air chap; often presents hogwash

View with:
Stevie Wonder (Stevland Hardaway Morris) =
Valid word-rhymer never saw a note. It's sad.

Dharam Khalsa with:
US Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney =
Me? A manicured, presentable, idiotic industry plant.

David Bourke with:
Senator Rick Santorum's ~
trousers contain marks!

David Bourke with:
Mitt Romney =
My, I'm rotten!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Beezow Doo-Doo Zoopittybop-Bop-Bop (Jeffrey Wilschke) =
Whoopee, dizzy boy's booked for object: pipe bowl of pot!

View with:
Scientist Stephen Hawking =
Witness the 'Space' thinking.

Adie Pena with:
The hip hop star Snoop Dogg =
Sod got high on pot perhaps?

View with:
Mostafa Ahmadi Roshan =
Atom of Iran had a smash.

David Bourke with:
The Kardashian sisters =
Shrink their asses a tad!

David Bourke with:
Captain Francesco Schettino =
Craft's into coast, hence panic.

Ellie Dent with:
The Italian Captain, Francesco Schettino =
Hopeless in that craft ... an oceanic 'Titanic'.

Rob Bretveld with:
Comedian Ricky Gervais =
Mockery is a daring vice.

Larry Brash with:
Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan =
Old nigger-nut person hijacked a nation.

David Bourke with:
Schettino =
Ethics...not!

Adie Pena with:
Captain Schettino =
Pathetic sanction?

David Bourke with:
Katherine Heigl =
A "ten"? Like, higher!

View with:
Crystal Warren =
Screw arrantly!

David Bourke with:
Stephen Hester =
He's the serpent.


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
Stop Online Piracy Act =
Potential conspiracy?

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The McDonalds Filet-O-Fish =
That fiendish smell of cod!

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Yosemite National Park, CA =
On a trail to many ice peaks.

View with:
Tournament of Roses Parade =
Return to Pasadena, for some.

nedesto with:
The Gregorian (Western) calendar =
A newer sect rearranging the old.

Adie Pena with:
Lay's Flamin' Hot Potato Chips =
"Oh, I'm happy 'cos it's not all fat!"

Larry Brash with:
The Pantheon in Rome =
Ah! The prominent one.

Rosie Perera with:
Natural Care Appetite Suppressant for Men and Women =
Neat! Eat fewer rampant portions and cure a plumpness.

Adie Pena with:
The Cordon Sanitaire =
Oh, no! Restrict an idea!

Ellie Dent with:
An Aston Martin DBS, Carbon Edition =
Car name: a brand Bond's into, is it not?

David Bourke with:
The Stop Online Piracy Act ‡
To steal in phony practice.

Rosie Perera with:
The Vatican Necropolis - St. Peter's Basilica, Rome =
Scavi claim: earliest pope's bones on their tract.

David Bourke with:
The Greek island of Lesbos (Mytilini) =
The girls' aim's "definitely no blokes!"

Tony Crafter with:
European Convention on Human Rights
=
"Championing a truth?"
"No."
"No nerve?"
"No use!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
The State of California =
Arnie is the fat cat fool.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Punxsatawny Phil, the world's most famous groundhog =
So, that shadow would augment sun for my spring phlox?

Rosie Perera with:
Confined Animal Feeding Operations =
Not a congenial farm inside, if opened.

Harshal M. with:
Apple's store chain =
I scan laptops here.

Ivan Andonov with:
The Federal Democratic Republic of Nepal =
A lucid free climber reached top of planet.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Great Barrier Reef near the coast of Australia =
Rare but rather safe Heritage Site for a neat coral.


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
The Superior called the sisters together informing them in dismay, "And, as of now, we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent!"
=
"Yes! Praise Heaven!" sang a nun coming over to the front of the room as she cheered, "We're so tired of swilling that damn Chianti!"

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Simplified Commandments:

- One God.
- No idols.
- Honor His name, the Sabbath and your parents.
- Don't kill, cheat, steal, lie or covet.
=
Online Code:

- Honor all porn.
- Share LOLCats.
- Bid on dumb trash.
- See a mad video and comment on it.
- tyep somethign fast
- 'Like' this!!!

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Youth is when you are allowed to stay up late on New Year‚€™s Eve. Middle age is when you‚€™re forced to. [Bill Vaughn]
=
Old age is when you go to a 'how-cheerful-but-damn-noisy' New Year's Eve party, and you're wheeled out STILL ALIVE!

Maurice Goddard with:
Duchess of Cambridge to be a Scout leader as well as patron of four charities =
Guaranteed a boss, she's a fair-faced cool bit of crumpet! Scouts will adore her!

Tony Crafter with:
Treated my wife Susanna to this posh fish pedicure the other day. Well, brothers, I must say, I ~
am truly impressed with the result I saw! Yes siree! Those piranha fish don't f*c* about do they!

David Bourke with:
The singer David Bowie is to receive his bus pass today=
"Best wishes to you!"
Saga Deathbed Service
(R.I.P. Division)


Dharam Khalsa with:
Court frees Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim =
Familiar point: obscure sodomy laws are a pain in the rear.

Adie Pena with:
The Italian sculptor and anatomist Leonardo da Vinci: ~
"David's small tool, i.e. un-epic hard-on, ain't an attraction!"

Rosie Perera with:
The Minnesota Study of Identical Twins Raised Apart =
Adopted in infancy, it seems two share in adult traits.

View with:
1. Whiffle
2. Spanghew
3. Axinomancy
4. Breeches Part
5. Poltophagy
6. Lipogram
7. Crowkeeper
8. Gyascutus
9. Hapax Legomenon
10. Mytacism=
1. Flapping noise
2. "Away, frog!"
3. Hatchet-expert
4. Gal as guy
5. Champ!
6. Skip E ("A raw mixup")
7. No crows cheep
8. Beastly ogre
9. Only once
10. "Hmmm..."

David Bourke with:

I have accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles tonight...going for a dump might spell trouble. =
Bad call! I might get a sore bum if I could pass all the seven letters, wholly completing a Bingo word!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Slainte to the many Scots all over the world going to a traditional Burns Night supper on the twenty-fifth of January.
=
Very jocular affair in dingy north. Not only haggis with neeps n tatties, but then that lot on to slurp a lot of wee drams!

David Bourke with:
Jean-Claude Mas, the president of Poly Implant Prothèse =
Once-phenomenal pert tits are, alas, just floppy...he did 'em!

Adie Pena with:
"The Star-Spangled Banner" by the poet Francis Scott Key =
Party thinks the flag can not be respected by Senators.


THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
"This plot is the best I have seen all my life
For it raises the flowers and covers my wife"
=
I've always been selfish;
So I'm sad, left to rot.
I never was perfect;
My, this hellfire is hot!

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"This plot is the best I have seen all my life
For it raises the flowers and covers my wife"
=
THE IRISH DENTIST

Somewhere below
Safe in repose
M. F. O'Flavertey
Fills his last cavity

3rd - Rob Bretveld with:
"This plot is the best I have seen all my life
For it raises the flowers and covers my wife"
=
A Fat Worthless Tomb:

I say a writer never dies,
He effectively loses himself in his plot.

Tony Crafter with:
MRS SYLVIE FILLBOYS

"She peered in the lift-shaft
To see if her elevator was comin'
It was."

Tony Crafter with:
A MISFIT

"Below these wreaths
Sleeps Carol Smith
In life very loose
In death very stiff"

David Bourke with:
In the afterlife,
Tony Blair *still* lies!
(The worm's scheme ever was,
His payoffs to devise.)

Dharam Khalsa with:
Here lies Eve L, atheist--
Spirit flew off in a twist
Heaven's holy comforts?
Barely missed!

David Bourke with: Here lies Tony Crafter, left in some shallow pit.
A visit's very seldom (see, he whiffs a bit!)

David Bourke with:
Here's a last view of DB,
Motionlessly.
Shame...white, lifeless, fifty.
Rochester native, RIP.

Adie Pena with:
'Twas love affair's best
To the very worst finish.
See my erect pole
I feel shall diminish.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Within velvet lies my Boss,
Per my secret affair;
Left the wife no loss--
She had Solitaire!

Tony Crafter with:
"Below this host earth
Simon Cowell lies stiff
Is he neatly preserved?
Yes, affirmative!"

Larry Brash with:
Here lies Larry Brash.
Life went in a flash.
To clip time he devotes,
So, we miss fifty votes.

David Bourke with:
A stillbirth's here
She was never alive
Little coffin so sweet
I do offer my sympathies

Dharam Khalsa with:
Here lies Ed A.
My first son of five
The little fellow ran with my scissors...
past a beehive

David Bourke with:
Will I to Heaven arise?
Simply fear the worst?
As I confess to myself,
The Devil, he be first!

Dharam Khalsa with:
View here the tiny ashes of Dharam's life
Still lovely post cremation's fires--best wife

Rosie Perera with:
Here lies bin Laden;
The crest of his evil life.
My, my! Salt waves atop
this sower of strife.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Lost ewes were my shepherd life vision;
For that act, hell's beast is my afterlife vision.

Maurice Goddard with:
"Memories Past Sweetheart, Vera Lynn, is I
Of sites, shall by the White Cliffs of Dover lie"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Christ, hoist Otto Fife, my lawyer, over Heaven's wall,
If St. Peter feels he's inadmissible.

Christopher Sturdy with:
I love every tomb where sins are confessed;
That way if it's hell, I'm off shape, still I rest.

Rosie Perera with:
Decompose, self. Ossify.
Earthworms, new ivy.
All that is left is
The invisible
Hereafter.

Dean Mayer with:
Now I'm ready to leave its cheap frivolity
Farewell selfishness - this is the best for me

nedesto with:
From his fair wife:
Here he rests, Tomas Tally
Second swiftest pistol in Beehive Valley

Adie Pena with:
Oh, this symptom I've here?
Be swiftly fit 'cos I fear
If ills all so severe,
The end 'twas near!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Fatty was fifty,
Her love's passed before;
I shall visit his shrine
Till we meet once more.

Meyran Kraus with:
This reply is for my lass, Often-Heartless Cow:
I said that I felt feverish... Believe me now?!

Meyran Kraus with:
"The bloody Mafia - See, it still never misses;
That's why Hoffa will forever Rest In Pieces."

Maurice Goddard with:
>* * * * * Shh...* * * * *

My life's stillborn mite
Was fair Felicity Rose
As of velvet, she
Had ten wee toes

* * * * * RIP * * * * *

David Bourke with:
Here firmly lies Ted Smith,
Life over, hence toast.
His willy now, as ever,
Be stiff as a post.

Dharam Khalsa with:
F. SMITH

Wait for thy time, love,
Eyes blind with tears;
Essence is of love--
Perish all fears

Ivan Andonov with:
IDI AMIN

He is the worst evil Africa‚€™s sons felt
Yes, we prefer filthy beast‚€™s move to hell!

Ellie Dent with:
MOTHER

Love halts cries of infant; swiftly time flies...
Holy, sweet as ever, she abides.

RIP

Dharam Khalsa with:
Deep below a valley is my father's coffin,
Where all his other mistresses visit it often.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Families with heavy hearts pray for lives lost.
Few smile left beside Senor Schettino.

Meyran Kraus with:
(IN SECRET WATERS)

"He's the boss who led evil militias -
A very fit meal for plenty of fishes."

Maurice Goddard with:
* Sever Calm *
Left most tears

Sweet Boleyn
Lost his faith,
Headless wife
Of Henry VIII

*** RIP ***

Maurice Goddard with:
"With soft 'Love Me Tender'" - terrific Elvis says,
"As a whole let this be, Life's Hymn of Praise"

Maurice Goddard with:
Sheer 'Poet of Fame'
Is to Life's brief crest,
In this Welsh valley view,
I, Dylan Thomas rest.

Maurice Goddard with:
It's Farewell my Friend,
Farewell Sis, my Love,
Of chosen spirits,
Thea the Theist, is above.

Maurice Goddard with:
Life's short cries, alas.
I see twentieth April,
To fifth of November,
Lived my shy, wee lass.

Maurice Goddard with:
She's The Finest Star
****************
Somewhere soft
My playchild is.
Over a rainbow
Little Effie lives.

Paul Pan with:
Who weeps for the state of Hellas?
Its firms fail, so heavily in debt
In cemetery slivers.

nedesto with:
To a lawyer, this leper left over last wishes:
Entomb him in fifty five casserole dishes.

Maurice Goddard with:
Betty Ford, whose name,
Is This Center's fame.
Fiery Hope lives still,
As Faith so ever will.

Rosie Perera with:
"A is for Amy who fell down the stairs..."
(These Tinies have met evil forces, perils, fly bites...)

Dharam Khalsa with:
See Minister Falwell there -
A spirit may never officially die;
He hosts "best of" TV shows.

Rob Bretveld with:
This is Pete:
My senseless death with ironic flavor,
This fate be from yellow lifesaver.

Meyran Kraus with:
Pretty festive shrine,
It is for this dame
As she is below it, whole -
France's lovely flame.


THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE HOTTEST WOMEN OF ALL TIME.
(As voted by 'Men's Health' magazine)

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Raquel Welch
3. Marilyn Monroe
4. Britney Spears
5. Madonna
6. Ursula Andress
7. Bettie Page
8. Pamela Anderson
9. Jane Fonda
10. Angelina Jolie
11. Sharon Stone
12. Scarlett Johansson
13. Catherine Deneuve
14. Megan Fox
15. Jenny McCarthy
16. Christie Brinkley
17. Anna Nicole Smith
18. Shakira
19. Heather Locklear
20. Heidi Klum
=
1. Because she's worth it!
2. A caveman's moll
3. The blonde gentlemen preferred
4. A little nuts?
5. Like a virgin? Er... no
6. Left James Bond shaken and stirred
7. Oh... Huh?
8. Inane Amazon
9. aka 'Hanoi Jane'
10. "My enemy!" (Jennifer Aniston)
11. Basically horny
12. A Manhattan starlet
13. French icon
14. Comely and American
15. - ditto -
16. Joel's uptown girl
17. Late American heiress
18. Ah, sexy hips!
19. On 'T. J. Hooker'
20. 'Seal's German queen

Eq2nd - Meyran Kruas with:
How's Your Logic? Take a few minutes to study these riddles carefully:

1. They found the missing stripper swinging from the high ceiling in one cheap hotel room in Albania. The spacious room was totally empty except for one round puddle of water under her, and it was locked from the inside! Explain the oddity there.

2. The inmate lies dead in the coldest night of the month in one Polish interment facility. He is locked in and there is one mighty entry wound in his wet chest, but no one in this place or in the area did it. How could it be?

3. When I was going to Telluride, I met this guy with seven brides. Each of the brides had seven cats, each of the cats had seven kittens. Kittens, cats, my pal, those brides - how many are there in Telluride?

4. Dotty is having a party tomorrow and has to borrow a cup of sugar from a guy living upstairs - plus half of this total amount that Dotty is taking. Dotty finally brings back two cups of sugar. What's missing?

=

I suppose most of you weren't baffled and easily guessed the answers, as these stories are universally known... But it takes a special sort of brain to find the hidden flaws and twists secretly lurking within the enigmas:

1. Okay, from past experience, I guess that the thing which boggles the mind is a scruffy hotel in Albania having a big room that locks from the inside.

2. Why would the dead body seem odd at all, and why doubt the innocent people in that particular facility? You must have skipped a letter. Reading this riddle again might be of help.

3. As of now? Approximately twenty-five hundred, according to a recent population survey.

4. The letter E is missing.

[From Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's short story collection 'The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes':

"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
"The dog did nothing in the night-time."
"That was the curious incident."
]

Eq2nd - nedesto with:
Twelve young priests were going to be ordained into the order. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a blond big-breasted model danced nude before them.

First, all the priests had small bells attached to their penises. Then they were told that anyone whose bell so much as tinkles while the model pranced in front of them wasn't going to be ordained, because he hadn't reached a state of spiritual purity. ~

So, the nubile amorous model danced heatedly before the first candidate without any reaction at all. As she went down the line, the same response was repeated from all the priests until she got to the remaining priest.

As she danced by, his bell began to ring so loudly indeed that it flew clattering away to the ground. Mortified, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

When behind him, all the other bells started to ring.

Adie Pena with:
The naughty governor Rick Perry's unintelligent and cheesy statement to slyly win screwy homophobes and Christians in America: ~
"There's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, and your kids can't openly celebrate Christmas."

Adie Pena with:
"There's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, and your kids can't openly celebrate Christmas." =
There's something so ashamedly wrong in this country when governor Rick Perry cynically essayed that inane statement in public.


Rosie Perera with:
All the Republican Candidates to be included in the Iowa Republican Caucus on Tuesday:
1. Michele Bachmann
2. Herman Cain
3. Newt Gingrich
4. Jon Huntsman
5. Ron Paul
6. Rick Perry
7. Buddy Roemer
8. Mitt Romney
9. Rick Santorum
Possible write-in candidates:
10. Sarah Palin
11. Donald Trump
=
1. Stupid erring bitch
2. Chump dropped out (due to unmanly harassment)
3. Displaced own brides
4. Rich leader in UT
5. Crackpot libertarian, he'd decriminalise cannabis
6. Intent: ban gay men in US army
7. Who?!
8. Rich Mormon
9. Anal lube/crap (cruel in-joke)
10. Dunce, lunatic
11. Wealthy man, a snot

Adie Pena with:
GOD'S TOP TEN NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS *
1. Have a Little Talk with the Tea Party
2. Be Nicer
3. Go Back and Get My Master's Degree Online
4. Occupy Hades
5. Spend More Time With Family
6. Deal With My Twitter Addiction
7. Set Realistic Goals and Take Reasonable Steps To Meet Them
8. Do My Bit to Help the Environment
9. Consult with Steve Jobs
10. Negotiate with the Mayans

=

1. Attest they know where I stand. Gently castigate them.
2. Attempt to work on my Wrath.
3. I might teach in College.
4. Inspired by the Arab Spring, time to reclaim Hell.
5. Daddy to bond with Boy Jesus.
6. I've got Einstein, Aristotle, Apostles et al in Heaven.
7. Systematise "World Peace" system.
8. Keep "Havoc on Nature" abatement.
9. Meet IT's iCloud man.
10. Set "End of the World."


Dharam Khalsa with:
Top Ten Predictions From Edgar Cayce
10 Bimini Road and Atlantis
9 Death of Two Presidents
8 Collpase of Soviet Union
7 Stock Market Crash and Great Depression
6 Revolutions in Foreign Lands
5 Rise and Fall of Adolph Hitler
4 Jews Returning to Israel
3 Alliance Between the US and Russia
2 Shift of the Earth's Poles
1 His Own Death
=
10 Factor that killed an island: laser crystal use
9 Great ones (guess who?) did not survive strife between capital and labor
8 Freedom and justice won
7 Deep focal hardships
6 Confrontations on other continents
5 War ended his harsh reign
4 Anti-Semitism in Europe
3 Flipflop - loathing to allies
2 NASA reports it
1 He died of a stroke

Dharam Khalsa with:
The top ten songs at the end of the year, based on the number of cheap online downloads:

1. "Sexy and I Know It" - LMFAO
2. "We Found Love" - Rihanna, featuring Calvin Harris
3. "It Will Rain" - Bruno Mars
4. "Good Feeling" - Flo Rida
5. "Set Fire To The Rain" - Adele
6. "The One That Got Away" - Katy Perry
7. "Someone Like You" - Adele
8. "Paradise" - Coldplay
9. "Moves Like Jagger" - Maroon Five, featuring Christina Aguilera
10. "Young, Wild and Free" - Snoop Dogg, Wiz Khalifa, featuring Bruno Mars=
A line of lyrics of each, and an offhand annotation:

1. "Girls be looking like, 'Damn, he fly!'" - Aggravating.
2. "Yellow diamonds in the light" - Foolproof pop.
3. "If you ever leave me" - A stalker aim?
4. "I got a brand new spirit" - Or, ego?
5. "Laying with you, I could stay there" - Adored.
6. "In another life" - Age fourteen?
7. "We were born and raised in a summer haze" - Outdone.
8. "She expected the world" - No sale.
9. "Kiss me 'til you're drunk" - Affront to a brain.
10. "We're just having fun" - A gangsta rap.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Ten of the less common, yet super-deadly snakes:

- Golden lancehead
- Death adder
- Twig snake
- Burrowing asp
- Hognosed pitviper
- Spiny tree viper
- Coral cobra
- Mexican jumping viper
- Mamushi
- Water cobra=
Six Republican reptiles:

- Top-viewed Mitt Romney
- Soap opera-ed Newt Gingrich
- Devolved Ron Paul
- Gay-obsessed Rick Santorum
- Sorehead Rick Perry
- Gaga WASP Michele Bachmann
- Defeated Jon Huntsman

Christopher Sturdy with:
Oh, The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men;
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
And when they were up, they were up,
And when they were down, they were down,
And when they were only half-way up,
They were neither up nor down.

=
Not enough thought went into the plot of the nursery rhyme war.
How can we deny the fact you knew not at the midway path whether people needed to walk forward or run home harder?

Why deny he led when unhappy, when muddled; and we hear he hid when he heeded an enemy.


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Poet's Calendar

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A Strange Wild Song

Eq3rd - David Bourke with:
Happy birthday Kate! As the Duchess of Cambridge turns 30, FEMAIL brings you 30 facts about our future queen

Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:

THE CURRY CONTEST

(If you manage to read this story without laughing then there's absolutely no hope for you.)

For any of you who have lived in Natal, you'll know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off around June/July. It takes up a large portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Pietermaritzburg.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at the Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking them for directions to the beer garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I duly decided I would accept."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

MADHU'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY....
Judge # 1 -- A little heavy on tomato, yet amusingly tangy.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. Dammit, these people are crazy.

DIPALI'S PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting flavour, needs more peppers added to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- My God! Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer on seeing the distress on my face.

PADMA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent, peppery, firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, with good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call security. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back to stop me gagging; now my spine is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting decidedly pissed from all the beer.

GANDHI'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sachika, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 34-stone woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
~
BABOO'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- A meaty, strong curry. Freshly ground Cayenne peppers do bestow a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Good-to-average beef curry, could use more tomato. I must admit, the kick of the chilli makes quite a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are buzzing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The woman contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sachika saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly onto it from the pitcher. I wonder if I have burnt my lips off. It hacks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them, the jackasses.

VERISHNA'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian curry. A good balance of spices.
Judge # 2 -- Hoorah! The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Just superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am without doubt going to shit myself if I fart and I am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems keen to stand behind me except that Sachika. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

SHAKALAKA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Okay, but tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am a bit worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would not feel a thing. I have lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is filled with rushing water. My khaki shirt is covered with curry which dribbled unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava which matches my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I have decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

BHAKTI'S TOENAIL-CURLING COOKBOOK CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Ah, the perfect ending. This is a nice, enjoyable curry blend with bite. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced textbook curry. Not too mild but not too hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor man; I wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.


Adie Pena with:
NEW YEAR'S POEM
By Margaret Avison

The Christmas twigs crispen and needles rattle
Along the window-ledge.
A solitary pearl
Shed from the necklace spilled at last week‚€™s party
Lies in the suety, snow-luminous plainness
Of morning, on the window-ledge beside them.
And all the furniture that circled stately
And hospitable when these rooms were brimmed
With perfumes, furs, and black-and-silver
Crisscross of seasonal conversation, lapses
Into its previous largeness.
I remember
Anne‚€™s rose-sweet gravity, and the stiff grave
Where cold so little can contain;
I mark the queer delightful skull and crossbones
Starlings and sparrows left, taking the crust,
And the long loop of winter wind
Smoothing its arc from dark Arcturus down
To the bricked corner of the drifted courtyard,
And the still window-ledge.
Gentle and just pleasure
It is, being human, to have won from space
This unchill, habitable interior
Which mirrors quietly the light
Of the snow, and the new year.

=

IN MEMORIAM
[Lord Alfred Tennyson]

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

AULD LANG SYNE
[Robert Burns]

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

ONE DRINK, RIGHT?

Distilled refreshments, screwdrivers
Attract bombed people, juiced revelers.
Where's the cellar, or the corkscrew?
What's the spirit? Wow, how time flew!

Trick the tart, pop the champagne;
Distorted senselessness we entertain.
Lost on brands, I'm this dastard inebriate.
Tomorrow's fresh start can wait!

Warm sessions filled with happiness;
Crass commercialism nevertheless.
Transmitted discomforts that we revive.
Cheers! It's splendid I'm still alive!

USE NO KAHLUA

Keep the coffee cocktail;
Won't swallow white wine.
Wish for pot to inhale?
Absinthe's fine!

nedesto with:
On My Thirty-Third Birthday,
January 22, 1821 - a poem by Lord Byron

Through life's dull road, so dim and dirty,
I have dragg'd to three-and-thirty.
What have these years left to me?
Nothing--except thirty-three.

=

My Mother's Seventy-Fourth Birthday Party,
January 22, 2012 - by Ted

Long ago you did transport me,
Older yet wiser; eight-and-forty.
Vexing hatched that blond haired third,
Earthily haled, hitherto mirth.

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em,
And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.
And the great fleas themselves, in turn, have greater fleas to go on,
While these again have greater still, and greater still, and so on."
=
A Tale of Beasts and Tenants

See a neat fractal world involving parasites,
Loan a bit of Latin grammar; that heightens the delights.
A self-referential verse he likes, all the levels are foregone;
The devil's in the detail feels Augustus De Morgan.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A Spring Sonnet
by Arthur Henry James

Last night beneath the mockery of the moon
I heard the sudden startled whisperings
Of wakened birds settling their restless wings;
The North-east brought his word of gladness, "Soon!"
And all the night with wonder was a-swoon.
A soul had breathed into long-dreaming things;
Some unseen hand hovered above the strings:
Some cosmic chord had set the earth in tune.
And when I rose I saw the Bay arrayed
In her grey robe against the coming heat.
A pulse awoke within the stirring street--
The wattle-gold upon the pavements thrown,
And through the quiet of the colonnade
The smoky perfume of boronia blown.
=
A Springtime Theme

Amidst winter's bleak and rough hold we fight,
To evoke a jaunty shade of pasture green.
Whistling on harsh winds, the reeds, serene
Enough to banish the madness of our plight,
And cast on weary minds fleeting delight;
Ere unto death our bodies slowly wean,
And go in search of what man hath never seen,
Yet, know that on her path spring sheds no light.
Walk not, therefore, in misery, as spring
Stretches her barren hands, but rather sing;
As the reed shoots, with devotion to the wind
Admire the green, to color thou ought to cling;
As the baby in the womb, whom the Lord may bring
To Earth's banquet, the colors and seasons entwined.


THE RUDE CATEGORY

Eq1st - nedesto with:
Threesomes =
Hetero mess!

Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
The rectal suppository for constipation
=
I post up arse
I clench
I try not to fart...
Oops! :-(

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Simple delights ‡
Smelled pig shit

Adie Pena with:
M√©nage √  trois =
i.e. Great moans!

Adie Pena with:
The Diamond Wedding Anniversary =
A hard-on? Men and wives died trying!

Maurice Goddard with:
The scrum is an orderly formation of Rugby players =
Array of dirty, farting-prone, sore smelly bums! OUCH!

Rick Rothstein with:
Is she a natural blonde actress? ~
Not readable as cunt's hairless.

Dean Mayer with:
Their golden wedding anniversary celebrations =
Will grandad's erection ever be inside hot granny?

Rick Rothstein with:
Sex improves goal: ~
Explosive orgasm!

Adie Pena with:
I saw fetching nude girl's arse ~
in the figure drawing classes.

Tony Crafter with:
Those semi-naked pole dancers ~
make the penises ascend! (drool)

Meyran Kraus with:
A mature broad has a fine chest... =
It's a darn shame about her face!

David Bourke with:
Lesbian porno ‡
Lips on a boner.

View with:
Mr Penis, ~
spermin'

Rick Rothstein with:
Lesbian pornography =
A happy girl (no boners).


The Anagrammy Awards