Complete list of nominations for June, 2012

JUNE 2012 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2012

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Aesop's fable 'The Tortoise and the Hare' =
A pedestrian hero beat the fool's haste.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
American movie star Dustin Lee Hoffman =
Ever so famous. Acted in the film Rain Man.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The Houses of Parliament by Claude Monet =
Painted the Thames ... once more, fabulously!

nedesto with:
Eurovision multicast =
It's a music revolution!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Desperate Housewives =
Where spouses deviate.

nedesto with:
"Where the Wild Things Are" written by Maurice B. Sendak =
A mutant tribe renewed by the child wearing whiskers.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" =
More delight to excitable host.

nedesto with:
Electronics Illustrated =
Let's learn to circuit LEDs!

Adie Pena with:
Edgar Allan Poe's poem "The Raven" =
A long death appeals ... Nevermore!

View with:
Axl Rose, Guns 'N Roses =
So use slogan: "SEX & R 'n' R!"

Rick Rothstein with:
The 'America's Got Talent' show =
Hint: We locate hot megastars.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Nietzsche: Without music life would be an error =
Wurlitzer: It became household focus in winter.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci =
An art icon hails medieval nobody

Meyran Kraus with:
'The Merchant of Venice', a play by William Shakespeare =
"I have mere coins... pay me back a penalty with real flesh!"

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
How to Defend Yourself Against the Velociraptor

1. You need to be sure you're fighting a velociraptor. To identify it; find something to throw at it. If it runs at you phenomenally fast, infuriated, thrashing and screaming, it probably is a velociraptor. You are now in some big danger.

2. Next, run away. It will catch you immediately.

3. Now's your big chance! Hit it behind the head. But maybe in the arm or the tail.

4. Call the police but don't say much about fighting a velociraptor because they won't believe you; say you are fighting terrorism.

Tips
* Avoid velociraptors.
* I recommend you always have a homemade phony velociraptor costume handy so you can mesmerise a velociraptor into thinking you are also a velociraptor. (Though note: this won't actually work)
Warnings
* Velociraptors have very sharp teeth and hidden claws for penetration as demonstrated in Jurassic Park, when Sam Neill shamelessly uses that raptor claw to discuss slicing that kid up into a mess of flesh confetti.
* Many velociraptors can open doors barehanded and may even have the ability to learn other simple tasks such as: gardening and listening to Country Music.

=

How to Appear Human

1. Choose a Human to imitate. Avoid world leaders; assassination may lead to your being detected.

2. Grow - or attach using adhesive - "Human like" limbs which may be artificially constructed out of ordinary raw materials (e.g. ice, duct tape, etc...) Then select dye color having visibility in the average Human's visual spectrum, applying this dye liberally to any limbs.

3. The final layer is comprised entirely of woven fabric. Depending on the age of the Human which you have chosen to imitate, rips and stretch marks may be very convincing. Finally, apply polystyrene triangles and circles to just the top of your anatomy. Do not overdo it; Humans are not Krakens.

4. You are ready to embark on your mission. To move yourself forward, push against the ground with all of your prostheses that have an orientation towards the native gravitational body.

Tips
* Attaching fibrous protein strands to the top of your outer anatomy along with geometric shapes allows for a more convincing disguise.
Warnings
* Do not eat other Humans in public; experience indicates that their culture considers this wholly unacceptable behavior.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy Rotary Club after they had sponsored a pensioners' luncheon. One elderly lady received a new radio prize and was writing to thank them.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might welcome a lift today.

20/02/02
Dear Kirkcaldy Rotary Club President,

God bless you all for the beautiful radio I won at the recent Old Age Pensioners' luncheon. I am eighty-one years old and I live at the Glengates Lodge Home for Elderly Ladies. All of my family have passed away so I am quite alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to this forgotten old lady.

My room-mate, who is aged eighty-eight, has always had her own radio, but she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and, understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the night-table and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she might listen to mine, and I was delighted to have the chance to tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Peggy McCoomb.

=

A little old lady was walking down the street hauling two large plastic bags behind her. One of them was torn and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the sidewalk.

Seeing this, a police officer stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, did you realize there are £20 notes falling out of your bag?"

"Really? Oh dear!" said the old lady. "I'd better head back and retrieve them. Thank you for telling me, officer."

Well now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no," said the old lady. "You see, my garden backs onto a golf course, and lots of golfers come and pee through a knot-hole in my fence, all over my flowers. It used to really sadden me. Kills the azaleas stone-dead, you know. And then I started to think, 'Well, why not make the best of it?'

So now, I stand behind the fence, really quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time an errant golfer sticks his thingy through the knot-hole, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Right, buddy! Hand over £20 or off it comes.'

"Well, I must say, it's rather an unusual way to address an issue!" said the cop, with a nod and a wink. "OK, carry on! Oh, by the way, what's in that other bag?"

"Not everyone pays."

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
10. "A Better Amercia" (A Mitt Romney iPhone App invents a place where dumb governors preside)

9. "Best Wishes Suzanne
Under Neat that
We will Miss you." (A message on a Wal-Mart cake adds the client's directions, free of charge)

8. "Thou shalt commit adultery." (The bible known as The Wicked Bible or The Bill Clinton Bible neglects to add a pretty important word)

7. "I tugged on the gown and sleeves I'd discarded like a wonton..." (A character is either loose or really hates Chinese food in Karen Harper's novel The Queen's Governess)

6. "The Lyndon B. Johnson School of Pubic Affairs" (A program from the University of Texas confuses LBJ with JFK)

=

5. "Freshly ground black people" (A major accident in the book The Pasta Bible incorrectly suggests one peculiar spice)

4. "Arab States Urge UN To Condom Israel" (Iranian TV awkwardly worries about some kinky invasion)

3. "FDR In Bed With Coed" (Roosevelt wished he wasn't just having a cold after reading The Washington Post)

2. "Report: Obama Bin Laden Dead" (The quite enthused FOX News banner wishes for the demise of its only nemesis)

1. "His comments followed claims that the Prince has been secretly Mrs. Parker-Bowles for more than a decade" (The London Evening Gazette finally reveals the horrible truth of the majestic couple.)

Adie Pena with:
TEN BEST WEDDING ENTRANCE SONGS

10 'Let's Get it Started' Black Eyed Peas
9 'Crazy in Love' Beyoncè
8 '1999' Prince
7 'Ants Marching' Dave Matthews Band
6 'Lovely Day' Bill Withers
5 'Everybody Have Fun Tonight' Wang Chung
4 'Love Train' The O'Jays
3 'Beautiful Day' U2
2 'Ain't that a Kick in the Head' Dean Martin
1 'Celebration' Kool & the Gang

=

TEN BEST WEDDING GIFTS FOR A HORNY COUPLE

1 Aged Wine & Vintage Booze
2 Viagra
3 Cinematic Smut and Playboy Video
4 The Latent Deviant's Manual
5 Hand Vibrator with Detachable Antenna
6 The Sensual Snatch Enlarger
7 KY Jelly
8 The Best Buggering Device
9 Twenty Bed Chains
10 The 129.99-Dollar Check at any Kinky Toy Store

Dharam Khalsa with:
Triumph, the famous Insult Comic Dog from NBC's "Late Night with Conan O'Brien", was guest on "Hollywood Squares". Between unsavoury encounters with Whoopi Goldberg, Al Roker, etc., the puppet bow-wow muttered a barrage of sexist, anti-gay, accusatory insults.

Asked to rate what breed of dog is heaviest: "The Lhasa-Oprah. I'm pretty sure. Either that or the Roker-Spaniel!"

Fun? A creative wit? No. Run away!

In a malicious attack on attractive attendees: "Why the Hell are you still here?!"

Cute? A roared ovation? No. Bury it!

Anyway, we want you unfunny, immature TV writers, to evaluate clever, yet courteous, jokes to awe us at venues -- maybe emulate yesteryear's Ben Franklin!
=
OK, here are seven Benjamin Franklin quotes that suggest ways to be seen as an individual with a brain and social wit:

"Elevate, not desecrate. Never use cutting humour, dissect theirs."

"Keep your humour light, fun, open to participation."

"Reflect your humour to show you row your own boat. You row merrily, and you attract others to you."

"As you deflect bitterness, fear, answers appear."

"Your summary encapsulates the situation and hints that the best way out may be to back up to where we went wrong, once we all clearly agree what that was."

"Elevate, even exaggerate, achievement. Mock an obvious folly but with a twist. If attacked, return their volley as a mirror."

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[Alan Gould's 'Fifteen Statements in a Card Game' is anagrammed into four 13-line poems which imitate a 52-card deck: They each discuss a different card suit and its relation to a desired quality in poker, and also display each relevant suit visually when the letters S, U, I & T are highlighted in the poem bodies:]

You have been at this table several weeks.
And now you stare at cards that are no good.
The girl who stands behind you seldom speaks.
You would impress her if you only could.
There are no trumps, and someone lays the ace.
The girl has put her hand upon your cheek.
A scowl has passed across your partner's face.
You long for some result, some swift technique.
It scarcely matters if you win or lose.
The card you'll lay now is the vital one.
The girl will indicate which one to choose.
If it's the joker then the game is won.
You've never had the joker in your hand.
You'll win and lose, and die here. This was planned.

=

Why Lucky Charms Are Desirable

Bright planners shan't need Voodoo to take over -
They'll plot so as to yield a quick advance,
While heinous loons who'd need the four-leaf clover
Decide to wish, just hoping for that chance.
Your crooked shams have helped you win the game;
They are as sure as sin in Hollywood,
Yet luck's rich powers, random in their aim,
Would ease or end the strain, or heal the mood...
The gruesome burden must not weigh on you -
The contest is suspenseful anyway;
Rejoice, as seasons soar and flee anew,
That Fortune is so gentle while you play -
Unearthly twists still can repair your day.

=

The Players' Inner Diamonds

The jewel that players soon know very well
Reveals some qualities which seem to clash:
Clearer than usual, yet dense as hell;
So frail - but just too hard to chink or slash.
And when you're cursed with cards that aren't appealing,
Or when you're issued hands too good to throw,
Resist your normal urge to then show feelings;
Be harsh but playful like a diamond's glow.
So when a Full House somehow is received,
Spoil not your guise and keep a stony face -
They'd eat you up if they're not soon deceived;
No, only as you hide each risky trace
May it convince the room - and win the race.

=

Wisdom of the Heart

Yes, card sharps won't emote - yet secret layers
Could often show you needs, sweet joy or lack:
The bruising, livid look of doleful players
Or evil, shining smiles when they have Jacks.
The hidden hints, like arrows on the road,
Can guide your actions, even through these parts;
The brain could mine each flaw and note each code -
Yet nothing's quite as useful as your heart.
One man with primal depth would never lose
As he can intuit and read one's soul,
And see a timid glance or other clues.
Your heart will show you those who play a role;
As your opponent's breaks, yours may stay whole.

=

One Tool That We Must Surely Carry

Your luck, too scarce when in one harsher session,
Solves just the hurdle which is hardly major;
And edgy traits, like hawk-eyed self-possession,
Shall not upset one shrewd, much quicker wager.
No, in this hostile game, you have one aid:
A crafty lie, a trap dug deep and wide,
So hatch yours with one scummy hoe or spade,
And throw your loathsome rival deep inside.
Don't cheat too often, as your cunning foe
May get that at the end - and leave alone;
A purely stationary heap below
Will constitute of one sheer loser's bones
Which, if you're skilled, shall never be your own.

[The 4 x 13-line poems imitate a 52 card deck; each of them not only discusses a different card suit - but also displays it visually when the letters S, U, I & T are highlighted in the poem bodies, respectively:]

Why Lucky Charms Are Desirable

Bright planners shan't need Voodoo to take over -
They'll plot so as to yield a quick advance,
While heinous loons who'd need the four-leaf clover
Decide to wish, just hoping for that chance.
Your crooked shams have helped you win the game;
They are as sure as sin in Hollywood,
Yet luck's rich powers, random in their aim,
Would ease or end the strain, or heal the mood...
The gruesome burden must not weigh on you -
The contest is suspenseful anyway;
Rejoice, as seasons soar and flee anew,
That Fortune is so gentle while you play -
Unearthly twists still can repair your day.

=

The Players' Inner Diamonds

The jewel that players soon know very well
Reveals some qualities which seem to clash:
Clearer than usual, yet dense as hell;
So frail - but just too hard to chink or slash.
And when you're cursed with cards that aren't appealing,
Or when you're issued hands too good to throw,
Resist your normal urge to then show feelings;
Be harsh but playful like a diamond's glow.
So when a Full House somehow is received,
Spoil not your guise and keep a stony face -
They'd eat you up if they're not soon deceived;
No, only as you hide each risky trace
May it convince the room - and win the race.

=

Wisdom of the Heart

Yes, card sharps won't emote - yet secret layers
Could often show you needs, sweet joy or lack:
The bruising, livid look of doleful players
Or evil, shining smiles when they have Jacks.
The hidden hints, like arrows on the road,
Can guide your actions, even through these parts;
The brain could mine each flaw and note each code -
Yet nothing's quite as useful as your heart.
One man with primal depth would never lose
As he can intuit and read one's soul,
And see a timid glance or other clues.
Your heart will show you those who play a role;
As your opponent's breaks, yours may stay whole.

=

One Tool That We Must Surely Carry

Your luck, too scarce when in one harsher session,
Solves just the hurdle which is hardly major;
And edgy traits, like hawk-eyed self-possession,
Shall not upset one shrewd, much quicker wager.
No, in this hostile game, you have one aid:
A crafty lie, a trap dug deep and wide,
So hatch yours with one scummy hoe or spade,
And throw your loathsome rival deep inside.
Don't cheat too often, as your cunning foe
May get that at the end - and leave alone;
A purely stationary heap below
Will constitute of one sheer loser's bones
Which, if you're skilled, shall never be your own.

2nd - nedesto with:

[This crossword contains four titles from a beloved writer and a farewell highlighted in blue. The letters in the completed crossword grid are an anagram of the combined set of "ACROSS" and "DOWN" clues.]

ACROSS
1. Coal-like
7. Reed (5,4)
12. Guard (9-2-4)
13. Review
14. Explain
15. Artifice
16. ..., Eighth, ___
17. Meat
20. Parapet
22. Pious
23. More!
25. Cave
27. Adieu! (3,3,7,8)
29. Fade-out
31. Ant-like
32. Weir (4,3)
35. A space title (1,2,3,6)
37. Raver
39. Pure
40. Gorse
41. A short (3,6)
44. Dart
45. Note (4,4,7)
46. Sauciest
47. Fair fare (8,3)

DOWN
1. Got hurt
2. Tint
3. Imperator
4. Tracer (6,6)
5. Canon
6. Necessity (11,10)
7. The ___ Chronicles
8. "A... L?... A, T!"
9. Lier?
10. "Oops!" (1,5,2,7)
11. Biograph (4,7)
18. Bird (8,7)
19. Extra
21. Firm tone
24. Cut
26. Easy Street (8,4)
27. Resonant
28. Dutch enamel
30. I drop balls (4,5)
33. Irrigator (4,5)
34. Outlaw
36. Insect
38. Icon
42. Inmate, once (2-3)
43. Tame

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
As the Queen celebrates 60 years since ascending the throne, here are 60 facts released by Buckingham Palace to celebrate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, one for each year of her rule.

1. The Queen is the second longest serving monarch after Queen Victoria who reigned for 63 years. Only six kings and queens in British history have reigned for 50 years or more

2. The Queen is the 40th monarch since William the Conqueror obtained the crown of England.

3. Since 1952 the Queen has given royal assent to more than 3,500 Acts of Parliament.

4. Over her reign the monarch has given regular audiences to 12 prime ministers:

5. Tony Blair was the first prime minister born during the Queen's reign. He was born in May 1953 - the month before the coronation.

6. The Queen has attended every opening of Parliament except those in 1959 and 1963, when she was expecting the Duke of York and the Earl of Wessex respectively.

7. There have been six archbishops of Canterbury during the Queen's reign

8. There have been six popes during the Queens reign.

9. The Queen has received two Popes on visits to the UK, John Paul II and Benedict XVI.

10. The monarch is patron of more than 600 charities and organisations, more than 400 of which she has held since 1952.

11. Since 1952, the Queen has conferred more than 404,500 honours and awards.

12. The sovereign has personally held more than 610 investitures.

13. The first investiture of the Queen's reign took place at Buckingham Palace on February 27, 1952. The first person to be presented was Private William Speakman who received the Victoria Cross for his actions during the Korean War.

14. The monarch has answered around three and a half million items of correspondence.

15. The sovereign has sent more than 175,000 telegrams to centenarians in the UK and the Commonwealth.

16. The Queen has sent almost 540,000 telegrams to couples in the UK and the Commonwealth celebrating their diamond wedding anniversary.

17. The monarch and Duke of Edinburgh have sent approximately 45,000 Christmas cards during the last sixty years.

18. The sovereign has given out approximately 90,000 Christmas puddings to staff, continuing the custom of George V and George VI.

19. During the last 60 years, the Queen has undertaken 261 official overseas visits, including 78 state visits, to 116 different countries.

20. Many of the monarch's official tours were undertaken on the Royal Yacht Britannia. It was launched by the Queen on April 16, 1953 and was commissioned for service on January 7, 1954. It was decommissioned in December 1997. During this time, Britannia has travelled more than a million miles on royal and official duties.

21. Britannia was first used by the sovereign when she embarked with Philip on May 1, 1954 at Tobruk for the final stage of their Commonwealth tour returning to the Pool of London.

22. During her reign the Queen has made many visits to her major realms - countries where she is head of state. She has visited Australia 18 times, Canada 22 times, Jamaica 6 times and New Zealand 10 times.

23. The Queen's official visits have ranged from the Cocos Islands, 5.4 square miles with a population of 596, to China, 3.7 million square miles with a population of 1.34 billion.

24. Unusual live gifts given to the monarch on foreign tours include: two tortoises presented in the Seychelles in 1972; a seven-year-old bull elephant called Jumbo from the president of Cameroon in 1972 to mark the Queen's silver wedding anniversary; and two black beavers presented after a visit to Canada.

25. The only time the sovereign has had to interrupt an overseas tour was in 1974 during a visit to Australia and Indonesia when she was called back to the UK from Australia when a general election in the UK was suddenly called. The Duke continued with the programme in Australia and the Queen rejoined the tour in Indonesia.

26. The sovereign's first Commonwealth tour as Queen began on November 24, 1953 and included visits to Canada, Bermuda, Jamaica, Panama, Fiji, Tonga, New Zealand, Australia, the Cocos Islands, Ceylon, Aden, Uganda, Libya, Malta and Gibraltar. The total distance covered was 43,618 miles.

27. The Queen made a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland in May 2011, the first visit by a British monarch since Irish independence.

28. There have been 102 inward state visits from 1952 to the end of 2011, up to and including Turkey in November 2011.

29. The first football match the Queen attended was the 1953 FA Cup Final.

30. The Queen has laid her wreath at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday every year of her reign, except for 6 occasions when she was either pregnant or overseas on official visits.

31. The Queen has attended 56 Royal Maundy services in 43 cathedrals during her reign. A total of 6,710 people have received Maundy Money in recognition of their service to the church and their communities.

32. The monarch has been at the saluting base of her troops in every Trooping the Colour ceremony since the start of her reign, with the exception of 1955, when a national rail strike forced the cancellation of the parade.

33. The sovereign has attended 35 Royal Variety Performances.

34. The monarch has launched 21 ships during her reign.

35. Since it was launched to mark the Queen's golden jubilee in 2002, the Queen's Award for Voluntary Service has been awarded to more than 750 voluntary organisations across all four countries in the UK. Winners of the award have included scout groups, community radio stations, groups who care for the elderly and environmental charities.

36. During the past sixty years almost one and a half million people have attended garden parties at Buckingham Palace or the Palace of Holyroodhouse.

37. The Queen has sat for 129 portraits during her reign.

38. The first royal walkabout took place during the visit by the monarch and Philip to Australia and New Zealand in 1970. The practice was introduced to allow them to meet as many people as possible, not simply officials and dignitaries.

39. In 1969 the first television film about the family life of the Royal Family was made and shown on the eve of the investiture of Charles as Prince of Wales.

40. An important innovation during the Queen's reign was the opening in 1962 of a new gallery at Buckingham Palace to display items from the Royal Collection. The brainchild of the Duke, the new Queen's Gallery occupied the space of the palace's bomb-damaged private chapel. It was the first time that parts of the royal residence had been opened to the general public. The Queen's Gallery was redeveloped and reopened in 2002 for the golden jubilee.

41. The Queen has made a Christmas broadcast to the Commonwealth people every year of her reign except 1969, when a repeat of the film Royal Family was shown and a written message from the monarch issued. In 2002 the sovereign made her 50th Christmas broadcast and in 2004 she issued her first separate broadcast for members of the British armed forces.

42. In 1953, the monarch made the first Christmas broadcast from overseas, rather than from the UK, broadcasting live from New Zealand. The first televised broadcast was in 1957, made live. The first pre-recorded broadcast took place in 1960 to allow transmissions around the world. In 2006 the Christmas broadcast was first made available to download as a podcast.

43. The Queen launched the British monarchy's official website in 1997. In 2007 the official British Monarchy YouTube channel was unveiled, swiftly followed by a Twitter site (2009), Flickr page and Facebook page (both 2010).

44. The Queen hosts theme days and receptions to promote and celebrate aspects of British culture. Recent examples from 2011 include a reception for young people and the performing arts and for explorers. Other themes have included publishing, broadcasting, tourism, emergency services, maritime, music, young achievers, British design and pioneers.

45. In an average year, the monarch will host more than 50,000 people at banquets, lunches, dinners, receptions and garden parties at Buckingham Palace. The sovereign also hosts more than 8,000 people each year at garden parties and investitures at Holyroodhouse, during Holyrood Week.

46. The Queen was born at 17 Bruton Street, London, W1, on April 21, 1926, was christened on May 29, 1926 in the private chapel at Buckingham Palace and was confirmed on March 28, 1942 in the private chapel at Windsor Castle.

47. The monarch learnt to drive in 1945.

48. With the birth of Andrew in 1960, the Queen became the first reigning sovereign to have a child since Queen Victoria, who had her youngest child, Princess Beatrice, in 1857.

49. The monarch's real birthday is on April 21, but it is celebrated officially in June.

50. During the silver jubilee year, the Queen toured 36 counties in the UK and Northern Ireland, starting in Glasgow on May 17. During her golden jubilee year she toured 35 counties beginning in Cornwall on May 1.

51. The Queen's first foreign tour of the silver jubilee year was a visit to Western Samoa, Tonga, Fiji, New Zealand, Australia and Papua New Guinea. The first foreign tour of her golden jubilee year was to Jamaica, New Zealand and Australia.

52. The monarch has thirty godchildren.

53. The Queen has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign, starting with Susan who was a present for her 18th birthday in 1944. A good proportion of these have been direct descendants from Susan. The Queen currently has three corgis - Monty, Willow and Holly.

54. The Queen also introduced a new breed of dog known as the dorgi when one of her corgis was mated with a dachshund named Pipkin which belonged to Princess Margaret.

55. The Queen and duke have been married for 64 years. They were married on November 20, 1947 in Westminster Abbey. The Queen's wedding dress was designed by Norman Hartnell and was woven at Winterthur Silks Limited, Dunfermline, in the Canmore factory, using silk that had come from Chinese silkworms at Lullingstone Castle.

56. The monarch's wedding ring was made from a nugget of Welsh gold which came from the Clogau St David's mine near Dolgellau. The official wedding cake was made by McVitie and Price, using ingredients given as a wedding gift by Australian Girl Guides.

57. The wedding of the Queen and Philip was the first and so far the only time in British history that the heir presumptive to the throne had been married.

58. The monarch's racing colours are a purple body with gold braid, scarlet sleeves and black velvet cap with gold fringe. They were adopted from those used by Edward VII; one of his most successful horses was called Diamond Jubilee.

59. Queen Victoria was the last, and to date the only, British monarch to celebrate a diamond jubilee. The Queen, who will be 85 on Accession Day in 2012, will be the oldest monarch to celebrate a diamond jubilee. Queen Victoria was 77 when she celebrated hers in 1897.

60. Only three heads of state have celebrated diamond jubilee reigns during the Queen's tenure. King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand celebrated 60 years on the throne in 2006; the former Sultan of Johor, now a part of Malaysia, celebrated his in 1955; and the late Emperor Hirohito of Japan marked his in 1986.

=

60 more facts you didn't know about Queen Elizabeth II. (Some true!)

1. As a child, the Queen was a proficient swimmer and in 1934, aged 8, represented Bruton Street Primary School in a London All-Schools Gala.

2. In that gala, she won her 100m breast-stroke and 150m front-crawl events but was disqualified in butterfly after pole-axing an opponent during a race, with a vicious right hook. She claimed it was an accident but was clearly heard to snarl, 'Take that, loser!' when delivering the errant punch.

3. The Queen is very fond of Prince William's vivacious wife Catherine and has said: "At least her parents are well orf, so she won't be another Fergie."

4. After watching dancing dog Pudsey win Britain's Got Talent, 2012, the Queen instructed her Royal dog trainer to teach her corgis formation line-dancing. Progress to date is reported to be slow.

5. The Queen keeps a hip flask in her handbag, but it contains nothing stronger than a malted-milk drink. Asked about his memories of meeting the monarch at a Royal Command Performance, one particular rock-star claimed, "Man, she reeked of Horlicks."

6. 116 local Councils in Britain have banned Diamond Jubilee street parties in their communities as it could offend 1229 other cultures.

7. The Queen is still embarrassed over an incident, famously captured on camera, when her giggling husband farted on the Royal balcony. She describes it as Philip's anus horribilis.

8. During her 60-year reign, The Queen has excelled, and has acted with impeccable grace and dignity, never putting a foot wrong (unlike her errant husband and most of her errant, married children).

9. A major piece of art in the Queen's Royal Collection is the iconic 'Christ and St Mary Magdalene At The Tomb', painted by Rembrandt (1606-1669). On one occasion in 1991, Her Majesty went on TV's 'Antiques Roadshow', masquerading as a Welsh clog dancer, to ascertain a valuation for the painting and was told "�25.99, but accept �21.50."

10. 'God save our Queen' is an anagram of: 'Queue over gonads.' Remarkable!

11. The Queen is a great fan of the movie 'Dirty Dancing' and she and the Duke took secret lessons for several months in order to surprise everyone by dancing the 'I've Had The Time Of My Life' routine at his 90th birthday party. Regrettably, it had to be abandoned after her husband pulled a leg muscle chasing a chambermaid up the stairs.

12. Her Majesty has her own Facebook page under the name 'Bette Balmoral'. She has 19 Facebook Friends.

13. The Queen and her husband have an ongoing secret competition between them to see who can last longest at public functions without having a wee. She is winning so far with a personal best of 481 minutes 25 seconds. The Duke does well to last 30 minutes now.

14. During her reign, the Queen's had 12 Prime Ministers. (Not 'had' them in the sexual sense of course. Come on... Winston Churchill? Would you?)

15. Some 559 civic Councils in Britain have banned flag-waving during the Jubilee celebrations in case someone gets poked in the eye or the privates.

16. The Queen's husband is worshipped as a god by the Yaohnanen tribe on the island of Tanna in Vanuatu. When the Duke was informed of this, he sent them a photo of himself. The tribe responded by sending him a traditional pig-killing club called a 'nal-nal'. The Duke in turn responded by sending them a photo of himself wielding the nal-nal while clad only in a loin-cloth.

17. The Queen loves Dixieland music and does a very impressive Louis Armstrong (1901-1971) impersonation.

18. 852 local Councils in Britain have banned cheering during the Diamond Jubilee celebrations as it is considered a noise nuisance.

19. Her Majesty has read every novel Barbara Cartland (1901-2000) ever wrote.

20. Over the years, the Queen has turned down 1000 requests from art clubs (and one from Playboy) to pose for them.

21. In private, the Queen is known as an inveterate giggler with a sharp sense of humour. When Michael Fagin famously broke into her bedroom in 1982, she was not only unfazed but proceeded to entertain him with vaudevillian Tommy Cooper (1921-1984) impressions for 2 hours until he pleaded to be arrested.

22. The Duke calls his wife by the nick-names of 'Cabbage' and 'Sausage', for reasons unknown. She in turn calls him 'Peanut' for reasons known to a select inner circle.

23. Her Majesty loves nothing more than having food fights at the banqueting table. The kitchen staff have to be given 2 days notice of her intentions in this respect as they have to make 155 extra custard pies each time.

24. The Queen's favourite hat is a vivid turquoise fascinator. It cost �1.99 in an Oxfam charity store in Gravesend.

25. The multimillionaire Queen receives 600-700 begging letters a week. 200 of them are sent by Fergie.

26. In 2003, The Queen made an unprecedented visit to Annabel's nightclub for a friend's 70th birthday party. According to a report she was heard asking a server, "Is this the corner where Harry threw up the other night?"

27. The Queen is reputed to have a soft spot for Prince Harry in particular. "He's so handsome," she once said to Charles; "just like that nice Mr James Hewitt."

28. 221 local Councils in Britain have banned consumption of alcohol at street parties for fear of rowdiness. Uniformed police officers will carry out spot-checks with breathalysers and have said they will exercise a zero-tolerance policy.

29. 'Her Majesty' is an anagram of 'Ah, my jester.' How incredible is that?

30. When Prince Philip grew a full set of whiskers for a 4-month Commonwealth tour, he was greeted on his return in February 1957 by the Queen, who was wearing a false ginger beard.

31. The Queen prefers a simple cheese sandwich to the cucumber sandwiches that are normally served at her garden parties, explaining that the latter 'give one the gripes something chronic.'

32. The Queen's 2 favourite Olympic events are Showjumping and Swimming. It is reported that she prefers to watch these activities while wearing riding boots, jodhpurs and bathing cap.

33. Her Majesty loves a tomato ketchup sandwich, much to her husband's chagrin, who complains, "I don't know why you indulge in those damned things; you end up wearing more of the sodding stuff than you eat!"

34. When the Queen acceded the throne in 1952, there were 3,000,000 vehicles on the roads in Britain. Today, there are more than 30,000,000. Of these 6,500,000 aren't in use as their owners can't afford the fuel. Another 5,500,000 are stuck in horrific traffic jams at any given time on Britain's inadequate roads.

35. In 1952, more than half the over-30s in Britain had false teeth!

36. The Queen's wealth is estimated at approximately �350,000,000, plus 150 drachma (thrown into the Royal coffers by her husband when Greece converted to the euro).

37. The Queen is a great aficionado of aeroplanes and can tell, just by its engine note, the identity of any 'plane passing over Windsor Castle, going to and from Heathrow. At such times, she will make comments such as, "My Gawd, Peanut, that Boeing 747 is fair rattling me dentures."

38. The Queen's favourite dance record is the 12" version of 'Oops Upside Your Head'. Whenever she hears the song on the radio, she will gather together as many palace staff as she can to do the rowing-action dancing with her. Sometimes, the assembled 'rowers' stretch the whole length of the East Wing corridor of Windsor Castle.

39. The Queen has about 1200 staff in the Royal Household. 142 of them are in service just to be available for 'Oops Upside Your Head' duties.

40. For many years, the satirical periodical 'Private Eye' has referred to the Queen as 'Brenda' and referred to Princess Margaret as 'Yvonne.' The reasons are unclear. The Queen is one of the few VIPs not to have sued them for libel.

41. Britain is unusual in being the only country in the world to have 2 Queens: Elizabeth II and Sir Elton John 1 (1947-).

42. In December 1981, the Queen was driving home from visiting Anne when a sudden snowstorm caused her car to be stranded. She found refuge in a local pub, where she downed 6 gin and tonics and 2 Cornish pasties during the evening, which the landlord provided gratis as she had no cash on her. She claimed afterwards to have had 'a very nice time.'

43. The monarch has seen the movie 'The Queen' 29 times and is an ardent Helen Mirren fan.

44. The Jubilee flotilla down the Thames will be 7.5 miles long and 1,125,000 people are expected to attend. If you are caught in the middle of them and needing a pee then your chances of survival are slim.

45. The Queen is a dedicated fan of TV soap 'Emmerdale' and was delighted to be invited to appear as an extra in an episode in 1991. (She is the elderly female dancing in a head-scarf to 'La Vida Loca' with Eric Pollard at a wedding reception').

46. At the age of 19, the Queen wrote a romantic novel and sent it to Mills and Boon under a pen-name: Zelda White-Robins (an anagram of Elizabeth Windsor). It was rejected because its plot about a girl marrying a Greek prince, becoming Queen and having 4 dysfunctional children was considered 'too fanciful'.

47. The Queen has an IQ of 104

48. The Council at Burnham-on-Sea in Somerset have banned the hanging of bunting from lamp-posts in case the lamp-posts fall over.

49. American anti-royalist Alex Jones (1974-) claimed on YouTube that the Royal Family have an appointed 'Groom of the Stool', a Lord employed to wipe the Royal derrieres. (Warning, the video clip is extremely offensive, vile and defamatory - view it with extreme care). This is one of several lies voiced by the vitriolic and quarrelsome Mr Jones (the practice described actually died out on the demise of King Henry VIII in 1547).

50. The monarch loves Cliff Richard (1940-) and whenever she can, will travel in secret with Camilla to see him in concert.

51. The Queen learned to drive in 1945. Her first car was a 1948 Morris Minor Traveller, which she still drives to the corner shop for her weekly cigars.

52. The Queen has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign and now owns a mere 3. Latest reports say the dogs are still not mastering their line-dancing.

53. In April 2011, the corgis accidentally ate a box of Prince Philip's laxatives. The result is too horrific to describe.

54. The place the Queen was born at is now an Indian restaurant called 'Madras Dream', where Prince Harry often visits for a curry.

55. The Queen should be addressed as 'Ma'am'. She is not a 'Madam'. Remember that!

56. The Queen and Margaret harboured a secret, daredevil desire to appear in vaudeville, singing as 'Lili and Mimi '. Mad tarts!

57. The Queen is 5'4" tall (1,630mm)

58. Former Prime Minister, Edward Heath (1916-2005) was often the butt of Her Majesty's humour. On one occasion, as the music-loving Heath was boarding the Royal yacht Britannia, he was greeted by the monarch mimicking a conductor. "Are you still waving your stick around?" she asked him, poker-faced (true!)

59. When asked her favourite 3 performers of all time, the monarch replied: "Pavarotti, Caruso and Jedward."

60. On her Coronation in 1953, our monarch said: "I have in sincerity pledged myself to your service as so many of you are pledged to mine. Throughout all my life and with all my heart, I shall strive to be worthy of your trust."

She's kept her pledge in an impeccable manner.

God Save The Queen!

Tony Crafter with:
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "Me wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No," shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

*

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "Oi tink it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a long look and says "Well, it seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "Oi haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

*

Paddy is driving home, drunk as a lord, when he suddenly has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A police car pulls him over as he is now meandering all over the place. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says "For god's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

*

I spent £99 on ebay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some swine's sent me a magnifying glass.

*

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he is quite inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?"
He does but, a full two weeks later, the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the newspaper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy," he replies.

*

I went to the doctor the other day. He said to me, "You've got to stop masturbating." I said, "Why?" he
said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

*

Found my first grey pube today. Normally things like that don't bother me, but it was in a Greggs meat pie.

*

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying meself a labrador dog."
"F*ck dat" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

*

An American tourist asked an Irish diving teacher: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replied: "Well, if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat wouldn't they?! "

*

My next-door neighbour knocked on my front door at 2:30am this morning. Would you believe that? Outrageous!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

*
~

Paddy spots a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND".
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

*

I sat on the train this morning opposite this gorgeous Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.

*

Paddy calls 999. "I think my wife's dead!" he babbles.
The operator says, "Dead? Oh, my! How do you know that?"
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing's building up!"

*

I saw this poor old lady trip over on the ice today.
At least I assume she was poor - she only had £2.30 in her purse.

*

Paddy's in jail. A guard looks in the cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing, Paddy?" he asks.
"I'm hangin' meself," says Paddy.
"But shouldn't the rope be around your neck?" says the guard.
"I tried that" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

*

My mate Bobby says he's thinking of leaving his wife cos she hasn't spoken to him for 9 months.
I told him to think it over very carefully cos women like that are hard to find.

*

My wife and I walked past a swanky, top-star restaurant last night.
"Oh boy, did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the super-nice guy I am, I thought, 'What the heck, let's give her a treat!'
So we walked past it again.

*

My uncle Barry was a crappy ventriloquist. He used to put his fingers up my arse and tell me not to say anything!

*

A famous Viking warlord returned home from a voyage and saw that his name was missing from the town's register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologised most profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

*

Evidence has been found that warrior William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Regrettably, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire... so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Adie Pena with:
1 REVENGE
2 GLOW
3 DYE
4 I GO!
5 LONELIER
6 BUD
7 ORIENTAL
=
1 [_r_] _e_ _d_
2 _o_ _r_ [_a_] _n_ _g_ _e_
3 _i_ _n_ _d_ [_i_] _g_ _o_
4 _g_ _r_ _e_ _e_ [_n_]
5 [_b_] _l_ _u_ _e_
6 _v _i_ [_o_] _l_ _e_ _t_
7 _y_ _e_ _l_ _l_ _o_ [_w_]

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Mobius Strip
Anonymous

A Mathematician confided
That a Mobius strip is one-sided.
You'll get quite a laugh
If you cut it in half.
For it stays in one piece when divided.
=
It's a hit mathematical oddity.
Not a dubious impossibility;
To amuse a female friend chic,
You twist, glue the ends of a ring unique,
Snip, and hope for adhesive continuity!

Rosie Perera with:
"The Mobius Strip"
Anonymous limerick

A Mathematician confided
That a Mobius strip is one-sided.
You'll get quite a laugh
If you cut it in half.
For it stays in one piece when divided.

=

The Klein Bottle -- ah, it's way spiffy!

Sir Mobius had nothing on me,
A complicated solid surface in 3-D.
If you turn me inside out,
And give an idiotic shout,
I'm quite the same -- a peculiarity!

Adie Pena with:
MY MANY COLORED DAYS
by Dr. Seuss

Some days are yellow. Some are blue.
On different days I'm different too.
You'd be surprised how many ways
I change on Different Colored Days.
On Bright Red Days how good it feels
To be a horse and kick my heels!
On other days I'm other things.
On Bright Blue Days I flap my wings.
Some days, of course, feel sort of Brown.
Then I feel slow and low, low down.
Then comes a Yellow Day and Wheeee
I am a busy, buzzy bee.
Gray Day....Everything is gray.
I watch. But nothing moves today.
Then all of a sudden I'm a circus seal!
On my Orange Days that's how I feel.
Green Days. Deep deep in the sea.
Cool and quite fish. That's me.
On Purple Days I'm sad. I groan.
I drag my tail. I walk alone.
But when my days are Happy Pink
It's great to jump and just not think.
Then come my Black Days. MAD. And loud.
I howl. I growl at every cloud.
Then comes a Mixed-Up Day. And WHAM!
I don't know who or what I am!
But it all turns out all right, you see.
And I go back to being...me.

=

COLOR
by Christina Rossetti

What is pink? a rose is pink
By a fountain's brink.
What is red? a poppy's red
In its barley bed.
What is blue? the sky is blue
Where the clouds float thro'.
What is white? a swan is white
Sailing in the light.
What is yellow? pears are yellow,
Rich and ripe and mellow.
What is green? the grass is green,
With small flowers between.
What is violet? clouds are violet
In the summer twilight.
What is orange? Why, an orange,
Just an orange!

"All colors are the friends of their neighbors and the lovers of their opposites." -- Marc Chagall

CONDEMNED

You may defy my God, my rose and magenta sky.
You may squeeze me empty, mocked today.
A ruby-smudged box of money you'd deny;
Dank and odd, dead and gone someday.

A dynasty of many, damned to be decayed,
Of muddy black and of ebony gloom.
You may buy autumn -- of gauzy gold and faded jade.
Any second, you may see my day of doom.

"If I couldn't see the colors, now that would be a problem." -- Im Dong-Hyun

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