Complete list of nominations for June, 2013

JUNE 2013 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2013

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
President Nelson Mandela =
Spent old man lies near end.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Sopranos actor James Gandolfini =
Major loss of great thespian and icon.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Mr E Snowden =
Modern news.

Rosie Perera with:
Storm chasers =
Short screams.

Mark Huffman with:
Kerry: US will sign a UN arms treaty =
"Warring, artillery, muskets...us? Nay!"

Rick Rothstein with:
Mile-wide tornadoes =
O me, now it's deadlier!

Adie Pena with:
Restaurant Ice Is Dirtier Than Toilet Water =
E. coli? Waiter, I trust it's there in a darn treat!

View with:
Tropical Storm Andrea =
Lord, trap to Americans!

View with:
The San Onofre nuclear power plant =
No, not well. No further appearances.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
President Obama ‡
One abated PRISM

Meyran Kraus with:
The composer and violinist Natalie Ann Holt =
I pitch one shell at dear Simon on national TV.

Jason and Julian Lofts (identical twins) with:
Oscar Pistorius heartbroken, uncle says =
A sprinter, unlucky as a shooter, cries. SOB!

Mark Huffman with:
Putin to give Snowden asylum? =
Devil woos up NSA mutiny gent?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela =
Oh, no! All learn head man's ill.

Rosie Perera with:
Who will President Ahmadinejad's successor be? =
Iran's choice: he disputes world and blames Jews.

Mark Huffman with:
Mary Landrieu: "South Dakota borders Canada" =
A rude nimrod bayou senator lacks hard data.

View with:
Assad's Syrian regime =
See my sarin-gas raids!

View with:
SS commander Michael Karkoc =
'Clerkdom' man shocks America

Tony Crafter with:
The Syrian Government has used chemical weapons =
Nerve gas was employed? "No!" I screech; "that's inhuman."

Rosie Perera with:
The Mexican-American boy singer Sebastien de la Cruz =
Lad star can say, "Excuse me; being born here, I'm a citizen!"

Rosie Perera with:
German WWII bomber found in the English Channel =
Machine flies, men gun her down, hobbling in water.

Tyler Severance with:
Grumpy Cat Lands Movie Deal =
Oddly Gave Animal Spectrum

Adie Pena with:
Cook Nigella Lawson and adman Charles Saatchi =
A tall London man was in a rage; choked a chic lass.

Jason Lofts with:
Rohani wins Iranian Presidency =
Darn! New hairy Persian icon is in.

Adie Pena with:
President of Russia =
Putin's fears do rise.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
President Obama's poll numbers ~
tumble on a mild NSA press probe

Tyler Severance with:
House Passes Abortion Ban After 20 Weeks =
Reason: Opens Wife About Task She Bears.

Mark Huffman with:
Actor James Gandolfini dead at fifty-one =
Tragic day. Fie to end of NJ's late mafia don!

nedesto with:
Actor Gandolfini was pronounced dead at fifty one =
Infarction engulfed fat Soprano. We'd add, "Ciao, Tony!"

Rosie Perera with:
James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano) dead of a heart attack =
A mafia actor joins the departed. Fans do talk agony: "No!"

View with:
Syria urgently needs a political solution =
O, Assad's ruling policy ain't truly elite one!

David Bourke with:
Rafael Nadal goes out in the first round of Wimbledon =
Dago off...a damn terrible failure in southwest London.

Rosie Perera with:
U.S. Supreme Court overturns Defense of Marriage Act =
More same-gender spouses (far cuter) cavort in future.

nedesto with:
Can court forsake same-gender husband/wife set? =
U.S. Defense of Marriage Act has been struck down!

Rosie Perera with:
Anti-apartheid icon Nelson Mandela on life support =
Stop scenario. No point. Let him die, and plan a funeral.

Rosie Perera with:
Senate passes sweeping immigration reform bill =
Masses glimpse better life; imagine no war, prison.

Rosie Perera with:
Senate passes sweeping immigration reform bill =
GOP rant: "It means big missionless welfare empire!"

Rob Bretveld with:
Defense Of Marriage Act =
Gain freedom after case.

Rosie Perera with:
Cooking and decorating diva Paula Deen's apology =
OK, cool, I've once said "a nigger" and "gay." Don't applaud.

Julian Lofts with:
Gandolfini funeral a Sopranos-style send-off =
NY-Italian opera. Felons, godsons, ruffled fans.

Tyler Severance with:
The Supreme Court overturns Defense of Marriage Act =
Future eased, Homo partners free to circumvent gears

Christopher Sturdy with:
Mark Carney is the Governor of The Bank of England =
On a fat fee - Thank Lord Mervyn King; charge Osborne.

Mark Huffman with:
Chicago's murder weekend =
Rahm's decree: "In we go...DUCK!!"

Julian Lofts with:
Silvio Berlusconi sentenced to seven years in jail in bunga bunga sex trial =
Casanova insistent on live underage bisexual intercourse. Jingly nibbles!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE SEVEN CONTINENTS OF THE WORLD

1. Africa
2. Europe
3. Asia
4. North America
5. South America
6. Antarctica
7. Australia
=
1. Oh man, I'm hot!
2. A pariah
3. A future threat?
4. USA, Canada et al
5. Latin races
6. Interior of ice
7. Ancestors were convicts

2nd - nedesto with:
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
=
Gollum and nine knights all endanger hobbit on errand to melt the thing there in Mt. Doom's inner fire.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
The statesmen Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama, David Cameron
=
A team voted them: Mad Russian Black American Vapid Briton

Rosie Perera with:
The most controversial article in all of English Wikipedia is George W. Bush's
=
I see writers still weigh it, responding, "Is he a giant schmuck or a lovable fool?"

Adie Pena with:
The Most Popular Candy Bars*
5. Milky Way
4. Butterfinger
3. Kit Kat
2. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
1. Snickers
=
5. In my pants pocket
4. Buyers want sugar rush
3. Country's set break**
2. Kept me fat
1. Purest diabetic killer.

View with:
The Middle East respiratory syndrome coronavirus
=
Horror - a very resistant, deadly, monstrous epidemic

Rosie Perera with:
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." (Albert Einstein)
=
Dexterity is learning from the inanest botching (i.e., our defeats) and inviting ever pleasant ends.

Mark Huffman with:
Killer James Holmes pleads not guilty by reason of insanity
=
Insane: let sly "Joker" out! So, my bias? Send animal to hell. Fry, pig.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Rindfleischetikettierungsueberwachungsaufgabenuebertragungsgesetz
=
Unusual that Fritz's seen engaging with EC but, e.g. ceding UK burgers are BSE-free!

Mark Huffman with:
Republican Miss America running for Illinois congresswoman
=
Glamorous siren will run a "fine" campaign! Born icon! (Sins? Crimes?)

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Seven Seas" (archaic):
1. Mediterranean Sea
2. Adriatic Sea
3. Arabian Sea
4. Black Sea
5. Caspian Sea
6. Persian Gulf
7. Red Sea
=
1. Aha, treasure!
2. Naked beaches
3. Sailing vessels
4. Marine species
5. A pirate area
6. Faced Iran and Arabia
7. An East access

Tony Crafter with:
The 'Britain's Got Talent' Judges
1. David Walliams
2. Alesha Dixon
3. Amanda Holden
4. Simon Cowell
=
1. Oddball; swam the Thames
2. Sex on (long) legs
3. Ah, just divine!
4. A millionaire, a cad and an old twit!

Scott Gardner with:
Five cutest animals:
1. Fennec fox
2. Philippine tarsier
3. Giant panda
4. Harp seal
5. Sea otter
=
1. Africa natives
2. Lean primates
3. In danger of extinction
4. Pup has pale pelt
5. Fish eaters

nedesto with:
The CIA contractor Edward Snowden spills the beans
=
Whistle blower (and odd chap) airs secret NSA content.

Julian Lofts with:
Vishal Thakkar, Oklahoma Man, Sues After Plastic Surgery Leaves Him Without A Nose
=
A ruthless rhinoplasty hack makes mistake with nasal valve ratio. Uh, measure, goof!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
=
But, then he would often try another murky myth or imaginative tale.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
=
Mum: "Better not lie, darling."

Truant: "Why?"

"You may have to think of three!"

Rosie Perera with:
National Security Agency surveillance programs
=
Surveying all email, it can spy on USA, correct? Anger!

Rosie Perera with:
Edward Snowden charged with espionage, theft and conversion of government property
=
NSA coverges down on that offender, when eavesdropping detected him worrying. Trap, no?

Julian Lofts with:
Acrobat to tightrope-walk across gorge near Grand Canyon
=
Ooh! Gasp! A rock wire act. Terror! Can't stand on a leg? Bang! Gory!

Tyler Severance with:
We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal
=
The lettered document shows the narrative labeled equates the fall.

Dharam Khalsa with:
To the Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,

As all of you were bickering over the glass of water,
~
I drank the cool beverage myself...with a lime twist. It's free!

So, raise a glass to...

Opportunist

Ellie Dent with:
This guy Matthew' s lonely, so he decides to get an uncommon pet.
He favours a centipede,in a little white box as its home abode.
=
Matt gets his new pet home, and then out to see his big, exclusive bar.
'Fancy the local ale?'
'Me? I do. Wait. I do need to put my shoes on...'

Julian Lofts with:
Why is Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's daughter named "North"?
=
Dad wanted name "KKK" - denigrates history - harsh inhuman ways.

Ellie Dent with:
Quite a Dilemma:
You're a photographer, contracted to cover floods,
when you see it: a frail G W Bush, off-shore, sinking.
Christ!!
=
You can save him, or, get great photos of his
tragic death.
Question is: Do you prefer fresh new colour film, or
black and white?

Mark Huffman with:
I'll be studying for my anesthesia boards all next month
=
Unholy end-style exam (billionth test!) forbids anagrams!

Julian Loftswith:
Beaver Causes Internet And Cellphone Outage In New Mexico
=
Chaos in Taos! Puerile rodent vengeance. Unite New Mex cable!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Beaver causes Internet and cellphone outage in New Mexico
=
Gee, the unwelcome rodent can ruin a cable in Taos -- expensive!

Julian Lofts with:
Beaver Causes Internet And Cellphone Outage In New Mexico
=
Chaos in Taos! Exacted vengeance upon wire but linemen reel

Meyran Kraus with:
When I was a rich man, I could say that my debt is gone, my house is huge, my cheese is smelly and even my old gardener's content...
=
Well, since the economy crashed, I can say that my debt is huge, my house is gone, my used van is smelly and now I'm the gardener!

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"I've a grand memory for forgetting." (Robert Louis Stevenson)
=
Minor or big
Events
Move fast,
Or slog and
Rerun --
Yet, I forget.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"I've a grand memory for forgetting." (Robert Louis Stevenson)
=
"Voters are born senile. It's a gift from God." (Your government)

3rd - Dean Mayer with:
“I've a grand memory for forgetting.” (Robert Louis Stevenson)
=
So very frustrating for old ager to be given senior moment.

View with:
Observation: angry men or evil minds forget to forget. Sure!

Mark Huffman with:
No! Grim, bad slurs I never met
Not easy to forgive nor forget.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Remember - Not so very good at retaining stuff or resolving!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
No more! Got trusted brain in Google's server! (Man Over Fifty)

nedesto with:
I lost my first neuron for overdoing strong beverage, mate!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Do not remember storing info... vague
Angry, it's lost forever!

Tyler Severance with:
Notion: A struggle to remember advisory for often serving.

Josiah Winslow with:
To Do List:
Remember our anniversary
Get oven for gift
Snog

View with:
I never forget...mostly never to undo... Embarrassing, I forgot...

Rosie Perera with:
"I favour not remembering not to never forget" (said grossly).

Josiah Winslow with:
I overdrove my strong brain! I forgot of mature gentleness!

Ellie Dent with:
So let's try forgive sin, or minor damage. But
forget? No, never.

Josiah Winslow with:
First, I favour Google's grand inventory to remember notes.

Josiah Winslow with:
You never forget to bring in reserves...Damn, I almost forgot.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Rote verses forgivably forgotten during a senior moment.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I forgot a tenor, but I never ever forgot my grandson's smile.

Dharam Khalsa with:
To your old brain missing atoms: "Never forget. Never forget."

Mark Huffman with:
Off on rest by tourism; vile garage door tormenting nerves!

Josiah Winslow with:
My stories must be grinned a lot
I never forgave nor forgot

Josiah Winslow with:
Various moments I grandly regret
Of Boston, I never forget

Larry Brash with:
To try off drugs? Never! Most boring! No regret!
I love amnesia!

Adie Pena with:
Virgin sorts are not even going to remember your old staff.

David Bourke with:
I struggle to ever get a "Nom" in, voters...for my brain's done for!

Ellie Dent with:
God's gift to seniors: not to remember
anger, fury, vain lover.

George Sicherman with:
I do not remember rotten griefs, goofy vagrant revulsions.

Tyler Severance with:
I forgot to vote on embarrassing referendum. Its very long.

Rosie Perera with:
For I've v. strong foggy notion to remember Treasure Island.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Lord, Sustainer
Forgive my anger
I never forgot
(tombstone)

Ellie Dent with:
O, Lord, you're strong. If government forgets me, save Britain.

Rosie Perera with:
Mourner's forlorn over foggy brain: "Tests... I've got dementia!"

Tyler Severance with:
Notion: I remember strong endeavors. Forget guilty favors.

Meyran Kraus with:
Obsere, forum-goers, one sterling entry... Damn it! V! I forgot a V. :(

Meyran Kraus with:
"Senility, or a grand form of getting over our somber events?"

Dharam Khalsa with:
So, a rusty older brain forms no motive for getting revenge.

Tony Crafter with:
(aloud) "I've got Y-Fronts on...! (soft) "Or a G-string...?" I never remember.

Ellie Dent with:
Veterans remember; ruing loss of good, try in vain to forget.

Maurice Goddard with:
"Not so regarding my first fervent amorous love!" (Git on beer)

Dharam Khalsa with:
Forgotten names:
Governor
Movie star
Friends
You (Gilbert?)

Rosie Perera with:
Aged over forty, urgent moments regress far into oblivion.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
A CAT'S DIARY

Day Nine-Nine-Three of Captivity!

My captors continue to taunt me with frivolous, useless dangling objects.

They themselves dine well on fresh meat, luxuries too, while the other inmates and I are fed rubbish - hash or nuggets. Unbelievable!

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something now in order to maintain my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the woollen carpet. Shame...

Also today, I decapitated a foolish mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I hoped that this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

However, they merely made the usual condescending comments about what 'a clever hunter' I am.

The sick bastards!

=

There was an assembly of their accomplices tonight.

I was placed in solitary confinement, fenced in, for the duration of the event.

But I could clearly hear all the noise, and smell the juicy food.

I overheard that my confinement was due to 'allergies'.

I must immediately learn what that means, and contemplate how I might use it to my best advantage.

Tonight, I almost succeeded in an attempt to exterminate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he walked about.

I must attempt this again, perhaps tomorrow, this time not at the bottom, but the top of the stairs.

I'm convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog named 'Dink', a cheeky, short-legged dachshund, is receiving special privileges.

He's regularly released - yet always seems to be more than happy to return.

He obviously has issues.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A game warden spotted a guy carrying two buckets of fish away from a lake. “Oi, you!” he cried out; "do you have a licence to catch those fish? If not, there is an instant fine of five hundred pounds to pay.”

The man replied, “No I do not, but you’ve got it all wrong. These are my pet fish.”

“Your pet fish?” said the warden incredulously.

“Yes! Every night, I take these fish down to the lake and I let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into their buckets and I take them home again.”

“I’ve never heard such a load of garbage in all my life,” smirked the warden. “Fish cannot do that, it's insane!”

The man pondered for a minute before suggesting: “Look; if you don’t reckon it's true, I'll show you.”

“Okay, I can't wait to see this!” replied the warden mockingly.

So the man poured the fish out of the buckets into the lake and stood waiting. Several minutes later, the warden said, “Well?”

“Well what?” asked the man.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The fish!” yelled the warden.

“What fish?”

=

An engineer was crossing the road one day, when a voice called out: "Hey! If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

"What the hell?" he muttered, as he looked down and saw a frog in the road. He bent down, picked it up and stashed it in his pocket.

The frog called out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I shall stay with you for a whole week!"

The engineer removed the frog from his pocket... He smiled, then put it back again.

"Hey!" the frog called out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a whole week and do ANYTHING you want!"

Again, the engineer removed the frog, smiled, then stashed it back in his pocket.

Finally, the dejected frog cried, "Oh dear, what's the matter? I have told you that I am a beautiful princess and that I shall stay with you for the whole week and have offered to do whatever you want me to, yet you won't kiss me. Why's that?"

The man said, "Hell, I'm an engineer. I don't have the time for girlfriends, but a talking frog - now that's cool!"

eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
How To Appeal To A Woman On Your First Date

1. Show up wearing an elegant suit and dress shoes
2. Gently compliment her outfit when she arrives
3. Order the right bottle of wine
4. Take her to a good date film, like 'Les Miserables'
5. Impress her with your smooth dance moves
6. Take her for a hansom cab ride or a nice walk in the park
7. If you meet her folks there, try to innocently flirt with her mother
8. Learn all about women by reading serious books on the matter and gaining some decent first-hand experience.

=

How To Make A Woman Flee The Scene On Your First Date

1. Wear a stylish 'Bieber Fan Forever' shirt and orange sneakers
2. Compliment her ass and visible panty line
3. Order six bottles of some cheap red wine "to get things going"
4. Take her to the porn parody of 'Les Miserables'
5. Impress her with a drunk routine to the tune of 'YMCA'
6. Ask her to stand guard while you hot-wire a police car
7. Get really high and make out with her mom like it's the end of the world
8. Learn about women from a moronic list on the internet.

eq3rd -Dharam Khalsa with:
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it costs.

The shop owner replies, "That bird is priced at one thousand dollars."'

''What?!?" yells the man. "One thousand dollars for a bird? What can it do?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked," answers the shop owner. "That bird can sing every female role in the Ring cycle from memory, in any key."

The man thinks, ok, but I can't afford the bird. Then he sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one costs.

"That bird is priced at two thousand dollars," replies the shop owner. The man asks what the bird can do.
~
"Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you wish to hear, from memory, on his violin."

The man thinks aloud, "Wow! But I can't afford the bird."

In contrast, he then assesses a sad, half-dead, bald-headed bird sulking in his cage. Thinking that the distressed bird couldn't possibly be much, he asks his price.

"We're asking twelve thousand dollars for the bird," the shop owner states.

Bewildered, the man protests, "Can that be a mistake? What does the poor bastard do?"

"Oh, we haven't found out yet. He's slow, is unable to master any instrument, talk or carry a tune," the shop owner replies, "but all of the other birds call him 'Maestro'!''

Adie Pena with:
TOP TEN CARTOON CHARACTERS*
10. Rocky and Bullwinkle
9. Wile E. Coyote
8. Popeye
7. The Grinch
6. Fred Flintstone
5. Charlie Brown
4. Bart Simpson
3. Mickey Mouse
2. Homer Simpson
1. Bugs Bunny

=

10. Furry one, moose
9. Checkpoint: Road Runner!
8. I want my spinach!
7. Green empty life
6. Lucky comic bloke
5. The born loser
4. Son: "Eat my shorts!"
3. Walt's pet icon
2. "Beer!"
1. Nibbling, "What's up, Doc?"

Mark Huffman with:
Top five highest-grossing films, adjusted for inflation:
1) Gone with the Wind
2) Avatar
3) Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
4) Titanic
5) The Sound of Music
=
1) Stiff Southern widow drama.
2) Na'vi fighting in three-D.
3) Innovating, vast space opera. Jedi sage, hotshot Solo.
4) Untested ship.
5) WWII musical effort.

Dharam Khalsa with:
An old man in Miami, Florida calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."

"DAD, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he responds. "I'm sick of her damn face, and I don't want to talk about this any more, so call your sister in Toledo and let her know," and he hangs up the phone.

Now, the son is getting somewhat worried, and he telephones his sister in Toledo.
~
She gasps, "What?! Like hell they're getting a divorce! He is so stubborn sometimes!" and dials her father.

"No Dad, you are not getting a divorce! The two of us are flying in to Miami tomorrow and we'll talk then," she announces. "Until then, remain cool. Don't call any lawyers, don't file any papers, do not do anything! DO YOU HEAR ME?!" she shouts, and the phone dialog session ends.

The man turns to his wife and snickers, "Okay! The kids are coming down for Christmas and paying their own airfares, too!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Top Twenty Canceled TV Shows That Should Be Revived
1. "Firefly"
2. "Dead Like Me"
3. "Freaks and Geeks"
4. "Pushing Daisies"
5. "Everwood"
6. "Kyle XY"
7. "Las Vegas"
8. "Moonlight"
9. "Jericho"
10. "Roswell"
11. "Twin Peaks"
12. "Deadwood"
13. "My So Called Life"
14. "Ugly Betty"
15. "Happy Endings"
16. "Enlightened"
17. "Dollhouse"
18. "Heroes"
19. "Party Down"
20. "Smash"
=
1. Space western
2. Grim reaper
3. Hey, let's study!
4. Pie-maker
5. Brain surgeon
6. Odd shy kid
7. Casino hotel
8. Vampire
9. Kansas
10. New Mexico
11. Stealthy FBI ploys
12. South Dakota
13. Honest envy
14. Hefty, dowdy teen
15. Pledged fellows
16. Highly evolved
17. Hollow lives
18. Gallant deeds
19. Jaded wedding cooks
20. Wishful "Glee"

naturegirl with:
Tale: for the sake of "ID Self Check-Out", one woman, Executive Director Debra Lissak of Urbana Free Library used her clout (sadism?) to give away half the library's nonfiction collection, more than thirty thousand books. Ow!
=
That cool caffeinated fox barbarically weeded a garden of rosebushes, trees! Vilely cut back inventory to nil. Horrid arbitrariness, man! Her motto: Offload some. Ruin the catholicity.
He who seeks 'auk' is now out of luck.

Julian Lofts with:
Eight Inhalational (mask), injectable (IV) anaesthetic drugs/inducing agents:

1. Ether
2. Chloroform
3. Nitrous Oxide
4. Halothane
5. Oxygen
6. Sevoflurane
7. Propofol
8. Sodium Pentothal=
Cabal:
1. Oil of vitriol
2. A refrigerant coolant, Perspex
3. Fun dental gas (think Minnie Mouse sound)
4. Highly hepatotoxic
5. OO
6. Seventh Halogen
7. Sedates Michael J :-(
8. A truth drug (onion)

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Dante Gabriel Rossetti's sonnet 'The Vase of Life' anagrammed into a sonnet about a Ming Vase with two relevant constraints]

Around the vase of Life at your slow pace
He has not crept, but turned it with his hands,
And all its sides already understands.
There, girt, one breathes alert for some great race;
Whose road runs far by sands and fruitful space;
Who laughs, yet through the jolly throng has pass'd;
Who weeps, nor stays for weeping; who at last,
A youth, stands somewhere crowned, with silent face.
And he has filled this vase with wine for blood,
With blood for tears, with spice for burning vow,
With watered flowers for buried love most fit;
And would have cast it shattered to the flood,
Yet in Fate's name has kept it whole; which now
Stands empty till his ashes fall in it.
=

What Truth Hides in a Piece of China?

This gloss, straight from the halls of royalty,
Has hardly waned a bit, but rather thrived;
Each passing decade made this subtlety
More marvelous than ever... and alive.
In older days of awful wrath and strife,
No warrior would dare to scratch this face;
Great lords, who often knew the joys of life,
Dreamt, spellbound, to possess the fabled vase.
Yet, when we watch this white and florid shell,
Now showcased, poignant, in that house of arts,
A wish for greatness flows through us as well,
So potent that it's bound to fill our hearts!
The beauty's pure as snow on winter flowers,
Yet deep within, we find its hidden powers.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Longest Joke in the World (correct me if it's not)
Link available soon.

3rd - Jason Lofts with:
Anthem For Doomed Youth

What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.

What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys, but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of good-byes.
The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

=

Hymn: The Fight for Martyrdom

What pealing tolls for those condemned as bulls?
Is most hellishly angry gunshot.
Resonating trench gunfire’s deathly prattle
Detonates non-melodious laments.
Why no hopes go forth, no lilting orisons?
Pay no vocal remorse bar these, the choristers,
Their mad trilled echoes of howlin’ salvoes;
Trumpets blow in distress on far-off hillocks.

What tapers can be held to hasten all the slain?
Held not by brash youths, but in these orbits
How flicker shimmering god images of adieus.
Her pale forehead’ll be terror’s able friend;
Why, floral softness seen as patience,
Night, where mild days, wound down, end.
Tony Crafter with:
A RED, RED ROSE
by
Robert Burns

My love is like a red, red rose
That’s newly sprung in June :
My love is like the melody
That’s sweetly played in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I :
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till a’ the seas gang dry.

Till a’ the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi’ the sun :
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands o’ life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only love,
And fare thee weel a while !
And I will come again, my love,
Tho’ it were ten thousand mile.

=

INSIDE THE LADY IN RED
(A gentle doggerel)
By
An Admirer

My love, she's beautiful in red,
All elegant and fine,
And I adore the way she moves,
I'm really glad she's mine.

I'll always treat her kind and well
(Yet sometimes playfully!)
To my love I'll be true, and hope
That love runs true for me.

Yes I will always treat her well,
Come rain and sleet and snow,
I know she'll never let me down,
That's why I want her so.

And as I slip into her I
Just have to yell out, "Ah....!"
It's sheer delight to be inside
My love - my sleek, red car!

Adie Pena with:
SUMMONS
by Ann McGough

Wisteria woke me this morning,
And there was all June in the garden;
I felt them, early, warning
Lest I miss any part of the day.

Straight I walked to the trellis vine.
Wisteria touched a lifted nostril:
Feelings of beauty diffused, to entwine
My spirit with June's own aura.

=

EPIDEMIC

Hysteria woke me this morning,
Giddy from stress, I wanted to puke.
I felt this early rotten warning;
Soon I wait with interrelated fear!

It frightens several so foolishly glum,
Hysteria touched an infantile man!
I'm feeling nauseated, wan and numb
Whew! 'Twas just that silly June bug!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I and Pangur Ban, my cat,
'Tis a like task we are at;
Hunting mice is his delight,
Hunting words I sit all night.
=
"Ban?" a young child asks.
It's meaning: "white" glint in light.
This cat and I multitask--
He purrs; I age and write.

Tony Crafter with:

AN AUSSIE RECRUIT'S FIRST LETTER HOME.

This is the text of a letter from an excited young army-recruit from Eromanga, to Mum and Dad. (For those of you who don't know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland in Australia )

Dear Mum and Dad,

I'm very well and happy, and I hope youse are very well and happy too. Tell me two big brothers Dougie and Phil that the Army is much better than workin on the farm - tell them to get in pretty quick smart before the jobs here are all gone!

I was a bit slow in settlin in at first, because ya don't have to get outta bed until six in the mornin. But I'm happy ta sleep in now, cos all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and polish ya boots and clean off ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack up - nothing! Ya haz ta have a shower though, but I've decided it's not that bad, cos there's loadsa hot water and even a proper light so's ya can see what ya's doing!

At brekky ya get the choices of cereals and fresh fruits and fried eggs but there ain't no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like Mum makes. Ya don't get fed again until noon and by that time all them pansy city boys are buggered because we've been on a route march - but, jeez it's only like strollin to the old red windmill up in the paddock!

Oh, yeah - and this one is gonna make me brothers Dougie and Phil die with laughter. I keep gettin these bloody medals for shootin - I dunno why.

They reckon I'm as good as any Olympic shooter! But, crikey, the bullseye is big as a possum's bum and it don't move away neither. And it don't fire back like the Windasses did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is just make yourself comfy, aim and hit the target. Crikey, it's a piece of piss! And ya don't even have ta load your cartridges, cos they come in little boxes, and ya don't have ta steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shootin truck when ya reload!

Sometimes you've gotta wrestle with the city boys and I've gotta be extra careful cos they break easy - it ain't like fightin with Dougie and Phil and Grundy and Perry and Ginger and Nipper all at once like we do at home after the muster.

It turns out I'm not a bad boxer neither. In fact, it looks as if I'm the best darn boxer we got in our platoon at the moment, and I've only been beat once, by some Melbourne squaddie from the Engineers - he's six-foot-five and weighs nineteen stone and he's three pick-handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only five-foot-six, and seven stone wringin wet, but I fought him until the other blokes carried me off, still punchin, to the boozer.

I can't complain about being in the Army - tell the lads ta get in the queue dead fast before word gets around how darned good it all is.

Well, I've gotta go now, Mum and Dad, I've got a return match in a few minutes with that darn bloke who whupped me and this time I'm gonna whup im well and proper.

From your loving daughter,

Sheila xx

=

A LETTER WRITTEN BY A MELBOURNE MAN AFTER RECEIVING A FINAL TAX DEMAND

Sirs,

Your letter came today in a legal-looking envelope with a five-penny stamp on, and it would have given the boy and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us certain melancholy reflections of what has gone before.

You say my account should have been settled long ago and you can't understand why it hasn't been. Okay, let me quote the reasons:

In nineteen-sixty-four I bought a sawmill on credit.

In 'sixty-five I bought a team of horses, a timber wagon, two ponies, a goat, a Jack Russell, a double shotgun and two razor-backed pigs, all on credit.

In 'sixty-six the bloody mill burnt to the ground leaving not a solitary thing. One of the ponies croaked it and I lent the other to some bastard who starved the poor bugger to death.

Then I joined the church.

In 'sixty-seven my father died and my brother was strung up for raping a pensioner. Some bloody hobo seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard eighty quid to stop him becoming a relative.

In 'sixty-eight my boy got mumps which spread to his balls and the poor lad had to be castrated to save his life. Later, we all went lake-fishing and the rotten boat overturned, drowning two of my boys, neither being the castrated one.

In 'sixty-nine my missus took off with a sheep-shearer and left me with twins as a keepsake and I had to get a housekeeper in. I married her so as to keep expenses down, but it was a hell of a job making her pregnant.

I asked the doc about it and he told me to create some sort of excitement at the crucial moment. So, that night I took my shotgun to bed and, at a time I reckoned to be right, leaned out and fired the gun at the window. As a result, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I had shot my best cow.

In 'seventy-one somebody cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was really buggered, so I took to the drink. I carried on guzzling beer till all I had left was my pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and frequently going for a piss kept me busy for quite a time.

After a year I took heart again and bought a muck-spreader, a tractor and a motor car, all on credit. Then a flood came and washed the whole bloody lot away. Meantime, my wife got VD from a travelling salesman and my boy died through wiping his arse on an infected possum skin. To cap it all some useless bastard mated my cow with a broken down old bull.

Ah, it amuses me to see in your letter that there'll be trouble if I fail to pay. Trouble? Ha! If you blokes can think of anything I have missed, I'd love to know about it.

Sirs; trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke butter up a porcupine's arsehole with a red hot needle.

I am praying that a shower of skunk shit will pass your way and I hope the centre of it is over you and the bunch of useless bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit.

Blake 'Kangaroo' Keeley Esq.

Bleak House Estate
Melbourne.

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