THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st Rob Bretveld with:
Climate change denialists: ~
"That's all imagined science."

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
The inevitable =
Believe in that!

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Spiral staircase =
Rails arc as I step.

Rosie Perera with:
The obsidian scalpels =
Hospital's nice blades.

Rob Bretveld with:
Voter registration 
Given to a terrorist.

Adie Pena with:
Worst case scenarios =
A war's cost; recession.

Jason Lofts with:
Old age pensioner =
Idle one, a sponger.

George Sicherman with:
Traditional Chinese medicine =
I heal cancers in time, I don't die

John Ramos with:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder =
Yeah, Ethel is beefy but I dote on her.

View with:
Real peace all over the world =
Here love to all replaced war

Rosie Perera with:
Imp gone wrong, ~
groping women.

Tony Crafter with:
Alienation to romance =
An emotional reaction?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Honi Soit qui Mal y pense =
It is no shame, only pique!

View with:
Sexual magnetism =
Must examine gals!!!

Ellie Dent with:
This caring patrician's ~
a practising Christian.

Rosie Perera with:
Compounding pharmacy =
Champion drug company.

Josiah Winslow with:
Point six one eight =
Existing: one to phi.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Senior retirement homes =
Rest on memories in there.

Tyler Severance with:
Recounts of income =
Economic fortunes.

Christopher Davis with:
Back To the Drawing Board =
He can't dig bad work, abort!

Meyran Kraus with:
O god =
Good


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Simon and Garfunkel Hits Collection ~
does contain enthralling folk music.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Famous pieces:
1. Mona Lisa
2. Starry Night
3. The Last Supper
=
1. A pleasant smile
2. Ah, Saint-Rimy
3. Upset of Christ's group

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
How do you solve a problem like Maria? =
Obvious: allow her ample Do-Re-Mi, okay?

View with:
The Grand Slam tournament =
R. Nadal hunts great moment

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Bruce Springsteen's autobiography =
"Born to Run" is epic pages by huge star

Christopher Sturdy with:
That Don't Impress Me Much - Shania Twain =
Trump - wanton man, a cad; this is his theme.

View with:
Rolling Stones band =
Born to sing and sell

Ellie Dent with:
Secret Heart by the Canadian singer Ron Sexsmith =
Harmony exhibits sadness: regret at inert chance.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Stupid White Men by Michael Moore =
Is maybe who elected Trump in, imho?

Meyran Kraus with:
Alec Baldwin's Saturday Night Live impersonation =
His visit basically tearing Donald Trump a new one.

Adie Pena with:
Stephen Sondheim's "Sunday in the Park with George" =
Might Seurat know? Engrossed, he is happy in the end.

View with:
Oregon Ducks =
Go, score! Dunk!

Josiah Winslow with:
Studio audience =
I edit, cue a sound!


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:

Donald Trump's presidential campaign
=
Man's a liar peddling crap to stupid men.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Samsung's ceased production of its Galaxy Note Seven ~
over suggestions it's unsafe, can explode, and may cost.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
'Trick or Treat' costumes for Halloween =
Witch, skeleton, or a creature from "Lost"

David Bourke with:
The American presidential debates =
H.R.C. - Is able, at ease. / D.T. - Mean, inept, dire.

Jason Lofts with:
Trump's cameo role in a Playboy softcore porn film =
Boo! No Oscar for player in smutty female romp clip.

Rob Bretveld with:
Russian hackers =
Sharks in U.S. race.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The genius of Donald Trump =
A peddling of some untruth.

Rosie Perera with:
Hurricane Matthew bears down =
O bad weather, much rain strewn.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Donald Trump is elite as a racist =
It didn't come as a surprise at all

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Senator, you whipped out that Mexican thing again." =
Aha! Expunge that white racist notion, you damn pig!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Hurricane Matthew: FL governor says it will kill you =
Why risk it? Evacuate willingly; mourn for all others.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Trump surrogates =
Gruesome part-truths.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Vice Presidential debate =
Pence elevated this diatribe.

Rosie Perera with:
Tim Kaine's eyebrows =
We rise by mistake, no?

Rosie Perera with:
GOP'ers =
Gropes.

Rosie Perera with:
The Republican nominees and their "deplorables" =
There's billionaire Donald Trump & has-been Pence.

Jason Lofts with:
Melania's "pussy bow" blouse =
Yes, bosom was unplausible.

Rosie Perera with:
Donald Trump's sniffles =
Smells funds and profit?

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Second Presidential Debate =
And it deepened their obstacles.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Republicans (also known as The Grand Old Party) ~
as let down by an old, thick, rash, unpleasant groper!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Second Presidential Debate =
Be patient and decide the loser(s).

Jesse Frankovich with:
Town hall debate =
Lethal beatdown.

Larry Brash with:
Will Donald Trump become the next US President? =
Plans in mind: must be expected to rule the World.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump =
Adult incident reported; blind Americans applaud.

Rosie Perera with:
The few remaining undecided American voters =
Underachieving demented racist or mean wife?

View with:
Trump for President 
Firm/tender support

Rosie Perera with:
What presidential candidate said "Such a nasty woman"? =
Saw Donald Trump said it, as he hasn't acted in a nice way.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A nasty woman 
To many, a swan.

Eric Banks with:
Trump says she is "such a nasty woman"
=
...as this unworthy man-yap scams, sues.

Rick Rothstein with:
The American elections =
Inane choice rattles me.

Rosie Perera with:
This year's American presidential election choice =
She is a criminal. He is too indecent, a creepy article.

Ellie Dent with:
Closure of the Calais Migrants Camp =
House claimants from tragic places.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I heard Donald Trump saying: "Such a nasty woman" =
And as ordinary dialog: "She must want my paunch."

Rosie Perera with:
People carving "Trumpkins" =
Evil "puppet" man rocks. (Grin!)

Julian Lofts with:
Result's a romp =
Trump's a loser!

Christopher Davis with:
ExoMars lander may have exploded on impact =
Explore command had expensive alarm today


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Julian Lofts with:
Melodist Stephen Sondheim =
He's penned some hits, I'm told.

2nd (eq) - Tony Crafter with:
Prime Minister Theresa Mary May =
Yes, in my empire I am rather smart.

2nd (eq) - Dharam Khalsa with:
First Lady of the US, Michelle Obama =
At times, so-called hub of her family.

nedesto with:
President Hillary Rodham Clinton =
An incompetent, horrid, shrill lady.

Rosie Perera with:
Libertarian presidential candidate Gary E Johnson =
Jarring inanity ahead. Dip can't list leaders, or be one.

Rob Bretveld with:
Misogynist Donald Trump =
Stuns GOP: "I'm dirty old man."

Rick Rothstein with:
The English actor Benedict Cumberbatch =
BBC: He became the hit cult icon Dr. Strange.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Donald and Melania Trump =
Put "damn liar" and then "a model".

Larry Brash with:
Brutus, the Newfoundland dog =
Wonderful hound. Best at dung!

Rosie Perera with:
Trump's campaign manager Kellyanne Conway =
Pan a cruel enemy camp's angry talking woman.

David Bourke with:
Shayne Thomas Ward =
What a messy hard-on!

View with:
Gretchen Elizabeth Carlson =
The long, zenithal CBS career.

Adie Pena with:
Tiger Woods & Elin Nordegren =
Rested winner & one good girl.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Pete Burns =
Super-bent!

Josiah Winslow with:
FBI Director James Comey =
Daytime job's crime-force.


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The United States of America =
A frenetic madhouse, I attest.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
The Rosetta Spacecraft =
Each test reports a fact.

3rd - Jason Lofts with:
Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone device =
Giant snag - "Seven" may explode. Ouch!

Rosie Perera with:
The African crested porcupine =
Picture sharp rodent, nice face.

Christopher Davis with:
The Trump Foundation =
Impotent author fund.

Rick Rothstein with:
Hurricane Matthew =
Ah! Much wetter rain.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament =
Arch maniac, Trump: Atoms endanger Life!

Adie Pena with:
The Samsung Galaxy Note Seven =
Huge nasty snag vexes men a lot!

Dharam Khalsa with:
What needs led to his cardiac arrest? =
Traditional Cheddar Cheese Straws!

Josiah Winslow with:
Central Asia =
Real satanic.

Rosie Perera with:
The Log Cabin Republicans =
Oh, nice! LGBT's public arena.

Tony Crafter with:
The Gobi Desert in Central Asia =
i.e., big land-tract site (one hears).


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Josiah Winslow with:
TRUMP (n): a valuable resource that may be used, especially as a surprise, in order to gain an advantage.
=
TRUMP: a vulgar, audacious, easily angered, not reasonable Republican that may serve as a President.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Young Buddy was sitting on a bench
in the park eating a large chocolate
bar. The man sitting next to him
looked over and said:
=
'Look at that - choc can be light,
yet a toxin.'

'No. Take my great Grandpa...
lived to a hundred.'

'A big eater?'

'No. Minding his own business.'

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
LONDON'S TOP ATTRACTIONS HERE
1. Studio Tour - The Making of Harry Potter
2. The Coca Cola London Eye
3. Madame Tussauds Waxworks
=
1. A magic experience, so partake today!
2. Monstrous outdoor Ferris Wheel that turns slow
3. Do look at that uncanny match! So odd.

Christopher Davis with:
FDA Tests Confirm Oatmeal, Baby Foods Contain Residues of Monsanto Weed Killer =
Scandals indeed! No, we first lobby a court mandate to fine for some fool's mistake

View with:
Donald Trump Appeared In A Playboy Softcore Porn Video =
Top candour: bloody nominee for Pres. played a vapid part

Christopher Davis with:
The top BMX riders from around the world are in Sarasota this weekend competing for the world title
=
Extreme bikers with great determination plan to showdown - roll for the dirt roads; dream of the cups



Jason Lofts with:
Was fly sending message when it landed on Hillary Clinton's face? =
Yes, a flying insect signals the woman's decline and her downfall.

Mark Huffman with:
Benedict Cumberbatch is playing Marvel's Doctor Strange =
BBC actor utterly transcended in a big role - he's magic's MVP!

Christopher Davis with:
Donald Trump Challenges Hillary Clinton To Take A Drug Test =
A mental toddler plants drug. Let's talk truly high on cocaine!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Hillary Clinton, President of the United States of America =
I patent it: first female in history to handle nuclear codes

Josiah Winslow with:
Donald Trump, President of the United States of America =
An odd, dense, soft, fat nut The Supreme Imperial Dictator.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Alfred "Alf" Robens, the Chairman of The National Coal Board half a century ago.
=
He bore near no fault at all for a tragic death of many an Aberfan school child.


Dharam Khalsa with:
Those Five Current Living Presidents of the USA:
* Barack Obama
* George W. Bush
* Bill Clinton
* George H. W. Bush
* Jimmy Carter
=
* One serves--a big job
* Three urge Hillary
* Two shrug, can't confirm
* One (guess) might be biased
* All five won't back rich Trump

Mark Huffman with:
President Hillary Clinton's husband, the "First Gentleman" =
Flirty Bill's enthused hand can grope the slim, tan interns!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Occam's Razor:
"When you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is the better."
=
Trump to lose election:

Theory One: Men amaze me, brighter than we expect; "This is a sham..."
**Theory Two: Voters accept he is a dick!

Adie Pena with:
TRUMP: To outrank or defeat someone or something, often in a highly public way. =
TRUMP: One Republican monster who may hit on young ladies to go take off their...

Meyran Kraus with:

The Four American Candidates:

1. Hillary Clinton
2. Gary Johnson
3. Jill Stein
4. Donald Trump

=

1. Dull android
2. Enjoying the occasional joint
3. Plant's merrier fan
4. That surly manchild


THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
A dim, giddy girl, Tara Gunny,
Dresses hot and looks sorta funny,
At night she appears
In a tail and long ears,
Tara works as a cute Playboy bunny!

2nd - David Bourke with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Clinton's a serpent, I'd say.
(Her husband's a stud...bonks away!)
Kinda easy to pillory,
Nagging, arrogant Hillary,
And so guarantee Trump a soft day!

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:

Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass

=

A defiant guy stupidly roared
He was "spunky" and had "balls galore",
But a nasty aspirant,
As an orange, gross tyrant,
Is only a dick, nothing more.

Rosie Perera with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Don Trump likes a "yuge" bit of ass,
Can get randy on stroking a lass.
He'd grab any pu$$y,
That arrogant liar and wussy.
"Honey, I'll do it and earn a pass."

Jason Lofts with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Aronas Pinchas, an Israeli, asked us guys to anagram poetry, adding that we should try to be funny. I respond arrogantly saying, "Ballad stank!"

Rosie Perera with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Democrats had a donkey:
It's usually a bit wonky.

GOP's got an elephant:
So angry and arrogant.


Libertarians, a stray penguin:
Sad, hardly fussin'.


Ellie Dent with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
There once was a shy young panda
Drunkenly got a bandana
And also a glittery shirt
It sounds grisly; for, I assert,
Unmistakably propaganda.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Trumps gallant apology is terse
(To a playboy, 'sorry' talk's a curse);
Nasty and indignant,
Arguing and defiant,
"Ha! Okay, and her husband is worse!!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
As Donald spake, out ran misogyny,
Unnatural tan, hair and progeny.
Grabs a girl's arse;
Won't pay bills (it's a farce)
Thinks he's a duty to dodge any!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=

Trump is a gargantuan ass!
Don't lend a dirty snake a pass;
Lying, hating, no grit,
And clearly unfit
To be Pres any day. Look ahead, show your brass!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Donald Trump, as un-nasty surprise
Of ugly and rank bragging dies ...
That's a plan, any day
On a headstone to say:
"By this rock a great liar now lies!"

Josiah Winslow with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
An unpopular standard obeys
Doing a task of rhyming any phrase.
But, a sound starts like orange?
A dastardly chore ing-
-esting it all anyways.

Josiah Winslow with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
A guy that grabs asses, and fondled?
Carry a spark at Rosie O'Donnell?
Say, that primary biggest
Unnatural pig is
A ninny you know as The Donald.

Julian Lofts with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Donald Trump's an assaulter
"Grab a fanny and assault her"
Grind people? Wrong! Not OK!
Randy? Shag bitches? Not OK!
Ay yi yi! I'd say giant assaulter!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Candidate in funny pants named Hillary
Stood her husband in a pillory,
As guy's not to speak,
Go astray or sneak,
But draw a staggering salary!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Horrid anagram punners aren't fussy.
In taking a word that ain't 'cussy';
A little kidology,
Nary an apology,
And behold gets a bear, ass, and pussy!

Adie Pena with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Your party guest caught in Atlanta
Did grossly suggest a paronomasia.
She's binned and banned,
Royally panned.
For a wry sort, I think Alaska.

Christopher Davis with:

Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
So, you think you are wise
And look up to a man that's despised
Randy and giggly
All hands can't be bigly
Arrogant fan starts an Aryan surprise

Dharam Khalsa with:
Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
=
Annita, a young Latina daughter,
Plays around a lot in water.
A guy grabbed her ass,
Said, "Nasty, skinny, no class!"
Kissed and promptly forgot her.


THE LONG CATEGORY

1st (eq) -

1st (eq) - Tony Crafter with:
Joy married Henry; they had twelve children. Then Henry died of pneumonia.

She then married Walter, and they produced eight more children.

Walter was killed in a motoring accident, two years later.

She got married yet again, this time to Pablo. She and Pablo had six more children.

Joy finally passed away, having produced twenty-six children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her soul.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and proclaimed: "Lord, they are finally together."

Lottie leaned over and whispered to her friend, Ursula:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Ursula replied: "I think he means her legs, dear."

=

Leroy Radford joined in the line of worshippers at the church, and when it was his turn to be addressed, the preacher said: 'Greetings, Leroy Radford, how can I help you?'

Leroy said: 'Well, Reverend Merrick, sir, I'd like you to pray for my hearing.'

The preacher nodded determinedly, then put a finger in Leroy's left ear, and placed the other hand on his head. Then he tilted his own head grandly to the Heavens and began praying with much fervour.

Some moments later, he removed both his hands and, stepping back dramatically, he exclaimed:

'Hallelujah! Tell me, Leroy Radford how is that hearing of yours now?'

Leroy said, 'I dunno, Reverend Merrick, it ain't till next Friday.'

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Remember this: If Hillary Clinton takes the Oath of Office for President of the United States,
it would be the first time in American history that two U.S. Presidents have slept together
in the same bed (that we are all aware of, anyway).
=
Yet, otherwise, if Donald Trump takes the oath of power, that's the first time in history
where voters see a billionaire, the newest latest sweetheart, and their staff
demoted to the public housing left by an African-American family.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The presidential election with a Republican and a Democrat takes place in the United States of America on the second Tuesday of November in a quadrennial cycle (unless something extraordinary gets in the way)
=
Quite a hard choice in Twenty-Sixteen
Donald Trump v Hillary Clinton.
A giant set-to between a racist ape and a disingenuous returnee;
these are the 'safe' nominees to keep clear of.
"Charybdis and Scylla" came to mind!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Monster Mash

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise
~
A nasty orange man materialised
Yikes! We were terribly traumatised!
No noblesse, he offends women, he's loony, lying
Oh, shh! Dim Mr Trump, his strength's ebbing.


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare's Sonnet No. Fifty-Five

Not marble, nor the gilded monuments
Of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme;
But you shall shine more bright in these contents
Than unswept stone, besmear'd with sluttish time.
When wasteful war shall statues overturn,
And broils root out the work of masonry,
Nor Mars his sword nor war's quick fire shall burn
The living record of your memory.
'Gainst death and all-oblivious enmity
Shall you pace forth; your praise shall still find room
Even in the eyes of all posterity
That wear this world out to the ending doom.
So, till the judgment that yourself arise,
You live in this, and dwell in lovers' eyes.

=

What tyranny would end hope in our world very soon?

Shall war upset our thorny harmony
Or will that frothy wave inter us all?
Shall monstrous beasts strain the monotony
Or will these wholesome angels make us fall?
Will scientific yearnings stretch their limits
Or will we all be killed by 'subprime' vendors?
Might every strong fume hide this sun and dim it
Or may the sun itself enflame Earth's splendors?
Is it true that our pet will tell us "stuff it"
Or that quite soon, those robots might revolt?
Can everyone be hurt by plagues and snuff it
Or shriek and shudder in one seismic jolt?
If one of them hits home, rely on love
And wait as pious Noah for a dove.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
CURTAIN RODS

On the first day, she sadly packed her possessions into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had all her belongings taken away by a removal company.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful teak dining-room table. She put on some soothing background music and dined alone by candlelight on a plate of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into every room and inserted a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and, with a final 'goodbye' left the house.

On the fourth day, the husband moved in with his new girlfriend, and at first it was all beautiful harmony.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the whole house.

The vents were thoroughly checked for dead rodents, and all the carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to fumigate the whole house, during which time the two lovebirds had to move out for several days. They even paid to have their expensive wool carpeting replaced. But nothing they tried worked. The house still reeked.

Suddenly, people stopped coming to call.

Repairmen refused to do any work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not bear the smell any longer and decided they had to move out. But a month later - even though they'd cut the price by a half - they still could not find a buyer for such a smelly house.

Word began to spread, and in time even the local realtors refused to visit or to return their calls.

Unable to wait a moment longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a really enormous sum of money from their bank to buy a new house.

Then the ex-wife called the man and enquired how things were going. He told her the grim story of the stinking house. She listened quietly and replied that she was missing her old home terribly and would be quite prepared to reduce her final divorce settlement in exchange for buying back the house she loved.

Knowing she could have no possible idea of how awful this smell was, he accepted her offer and settled on a sale figure that was a tenth of what the property had initially been priced at ... but only if she signed the papers that same day.

She concurred, and within two hours her lawyer delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the ex-husband and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched a moving company pack their possessions to take to their new abode.

And, just to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I just love a happy ending, don't you?

=

Charles and Helen Stevens weren't able to conceive children and eventually decided to use the services of a surrogate father to kick-start their family.

On the day that the proxy father was due to arrive, Charles kissed his wife and said, 'I'm off to work now. The man should be here shortly.'

Half an hour later, by chance, a travelling baby-photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to clinch a sale on the off-chance. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I have come to...'

'There's no need to explain,' the embarrassed Helen cut in; 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's, er... good. Did you know that babies were my specialty, then?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped,' blushed Helen. 'Please come in and have a seat!

'Well,' she said, awkwardly, 'where do we... start?'

'Just leave everything to me,' he said, 'I normally try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed after. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Goodness me! Bathtub, the living room floor? No wonder it has never worked out for Charles and me!'

'I must stress that none of us can guarantee a successful one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be highly delighted with the results.'

'Gosh, that's rather a lot!' gasped Helen.

'Well, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' muttered Helen wryly.

The photographer then opened his briefcase and extracted a portfolio of his baby pictures.

'This one here was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Good heavens!' Helen exclaimed, clutching her throat.

'And these twins turned out extremely well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'Difficult?' asked Helen.

'She certainly was. In the end I had to suggest taking her to the park to get the job done right. The people were crowding round four and five deep to get a decent look.'

'Four and five deep?' gasped Helen, her eyes wide with disbelief.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours! The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Then, when some squirrels suddenly began nibbling my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Helen leaned forward. 'Huh? They actually chewed on your... equipment?'

'Sure did; that was a dreadful event. Right; if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work straight away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes,' he stressed, 'I need a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'

And that's when Helen fainted.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
The Wayfarer by Patrick Pearse

The beauty of the world hath made me sad,
This beauty that will pass;
Sometimes my heart hath shaken with great joy
To see a leaping squirrel in a tree,
Or a red lady-bird upon a stalk,
Or little rabbits in a field at evening,
Lit by a slanting sun,
Or some green hill where shadows drifted by
Some quiet hill where mountainy man hath sown
And soon would reap; near to the gate of Heaven;
Or children with bare feet upon the sands
Of some ebbed sea, or playing on the streets
Of little towns in Connacht,
Things young and happy.

And then my heart hath told me:
These will pass,
Will pass and change, will die and be no more,
Things bright and green, things young and happy;
And I have gone upon my way
Sorrowful.

=

Helping Hand

The sun is heat, and it is light
Then we saw a milestone of sorts;
The moment came when thirteen years had passed on
And the brilliant passion of my twenties
Felt long ago.
I recall a poem, which has three lines I want all to hear:
"Some Green Hill where shadows drifted by
Some quiet hill where mountainy man hath sown
And soon would reap; near to the gate of Heaven"
They beautifully resemble a resting place
That father has grown to love
A garden with his fabulous green fingers
And people see a quirky anagram
They just about understand.

Don't be drawn in by my story:
Everybody has highs and lows.
Tea and sympathy help distract
A girl or two and a boy in plight.
Grab that opportunity and be kind; be kind
Properly

Christopher Davis with:
In a queue line for getting a cab,
A pimp there so often would blab.
So for his girls in the ghetto,
He had a three inch stiletto!
Not for feet  but the kind that will stab!
=
Officials are on a big quest -
We men find a stooge thats the best.
Ditch inhibition for prattle,
or when he fought her huge battle,
Nail a blond killer put to the test!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Monster Mash
(Sixties One-hit Wonder, attributed to Bobby "Boris" Pickett)

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash

From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes

They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
It caught on in a flash
They did the mash
They did the monster mash

The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son

The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"

They played the mash
They played the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash

Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"

It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
And it's a graveyard smash
It's now the mash
It's caught on in a flash
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash

Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you

Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
=
Dumpster Dash
(theme by Rod Worden)

I'm jabbin' my remote late Monday night
And I see a very nasty sight
One brimmin' metal trash can rolls into my view
Then, in a moment...a motley crew

They made a dash
They made one mad dash
To the show 'Dumpster Dash'
The new cable smash

Goin' for the cash
Thru garbage they thrash
Minin' steamy trash
They do the Dumpster Dash

From homes repo-ed, livin' in their cars
They move to Miami to be minor TV stars
Red, white, 'n' blue, shiny shimmery lights
A horn blast starts the mayhem 'n' fights

Insanely they dash
Vyin' for some cash
In garbage they clash
They do the Dumpster Dash

We watch many a crash
Thru eggy goo they slash
Minin' in messy trash
They do the Dumpster Dash

The home viewers are havin' fun
(Ya-hoo!)
--A man has just been stunned--
(Ya-hoooo!!)
Who'da guessed this baloney could make it?
(Ya-who?)
Imbibin' beer 'n' Mountain Dew,
Gosh, man is so done!

The gray-green can was rockin',
All were thrashin' thru slop
Legs 'n' elbows flyin'
Then one horn blasted "stop"
They were told to take five
For info from the station to arrive:

"Men, get some cash!
Come to my bash!
Come to my Dumpster Dash
Come, sift thru my trash!

Never mind a measly rash,
Come on, go thru my mash!
Just make a mighty dash
Get to my Dumpster Dash!"

Stiff in a coffin the farce should sit
Yet, it's become a mammoth TV hit
Changin' the channel, I soon got the gist
And I thought in astonishment, "Can this hooey exist?"

Then I saw 'em dash
On the Dumpster Dash
Seems that crazy Dash
Has caught on in a flash

They dive for the cash
As each other they bash
They do the Dash
They do the Dumpster Dash

Never mind, it's nailing the brand
Shows like Dumpster Dash are the fare of the land
For those human undead who want things that blow
This is the best Reality TV show

So make the dash
Get in and Dash
Enter Dumpster Dash
It's a network smash

You'll grab some cash
Waste it in a flash
After the comin' Crash
All will do the Dumpster Dash


THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Jason Lofts with:
The US presidential candidate Donald Trump =
He is an adept and trim leader. Stupid old cunt!

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Donald Trump (on women): "Grab 'em by the pussy" =
Pardon me, lady, but why not grope men's bums?

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The female's vaginal opening =
Given a hell of a penis-magnet!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Strap-on dildo =
To prod in lads

Christopher Sturdy with:
Mom's used strap-on dildo ~
sodomises Donald Trump!

Julian Lofts with:
I fancy June's ~
fanny juices.

Adie Pena with:
Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. ~
Trump. He's saying they touch, bang anybody!


The Anagrammy Awards