1st - Adie Pena with:
I'm a liberated woman ~
and a wee bit immoral.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Laughter is the best medicine? No. ~
Cheer doesn't eliminate this bug. :(
3rd - John Ramos with:
Intensive care unit =
Niece in a virus tent.
Adie Pena with:
I'm a liberated woman ~
and a wee bit immoral.
Brian Taylor with:
A deep personal relationship with Christ =
It worships the old Palestinian preacher.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Pain med =
I dampen.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Numbers don't lie =
I met no blunders.
John Ramos with:
Gun ban =
Un-bang.
John Ramos with:
Intensive care unit =
Niece in a virus tent.
Meyran Kraus with:
Laughter is the best medicine? No. ~
Cheer doesn't eliminate this bug. :(
Murray Cameron with:
Four years =
A fury rose
Murray Cameron with:
How the West was won =
"We owns what we shot!"
Paul Pan with:
Girls fancy ~
flying cars.
Tony Crafter with:
The escargot ‡
Oh, c'est great!
View with:
A cataclysmic event ~
may accent evil acts.
View with:
American election results =
Secure main local interest.
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Divine Comedy' by Dante:
1. Inferno
2. Purgatorio
3. Paradiso
=
1. 'Trump Nation' Agony
2. A Dire Year of COVID
3. Biden's Period
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Russell Crowe's acting in the movie Les Miserables =
I'll long remember, his tuneless voice was scariest!
3rd - Adie Pena with:
Early Thirties, big incited monkey went up ~
the Empire State Building in New York City.
Adie Pena with:
Goodbye, Sean Connery =
Aye, Bond One's gone. Cry.
Adie Pena with:
"Borderline," a disco hit from American singer Madonna =
Grim concern? I'm fine, not dead. Brasil hero Maradona is.
Adie Pena with:
"Guess I'll Hang My Tears Out to Dry" ~
meant your sad guy's lost the girl.
Adie Pena with:
Early Thirties, big incited monkey went up ~
the Empire State Building in New York City.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Dan Hicks tune: "How can I miss you when you won't go away?" =
As in, why a guy in USA wants him (you know who) to concede.
Meyran Kraus with:
'Divine Comedy' by Dante:
1. Inferno
2. Purgatorio
3. Paradiso
=
1. 'Trump Nation' Agony
2. A Dire Year of COVID
3. Biden's Period
Tony Crafter with:
Russell Crowe's acting in the movie Les Miserables =
I'll long remember, his tuneless voice was scariest!
1st - John Ramos with:
"I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!" =
Noticeable hostility now.
2nd - Thomas W Hunter with:
Tuesday, the third of November =
The USA: they voted for Mr Biden.
3rd - Adie Pena with:
The Democrat leaders Biden and Harris =
The Donald's end. Dear America's rebirth.
#
Adie Pena with:
Results of the Trump-Biden presidential race
=
Rest of predicted numbers...
[ ] all set.
[ ] up in the air.
Adie Pena with:
POTUS Joe Biden =
I depose nutjob!
Adie Pena with:
The Democrat leaders Biden and Harris =
The Donald's end. Dear America's rebirth.
Adie Pena with:
Tip: Men do need a vaccine in ~
a Covid-Nineteen pandemic.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Voter intimidation =
Omit Detroit, in vain.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Riot scenes tell us ~
election's results.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Joe Biden vs. Donald Trump ~
is jumbled and not proved.
Dharam Khalsa with:
This year's seasonal celebration =
A solitary scene in a horse stable?
Dharam Khalsa with:
The "Lame Duck" period of President Donald Trump =
People, think dammit! End clouded fraud reports!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Dirty rotten scoundrel =
Don's tired turtle crony.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Trump is a sore loser, if losing hope in legal rulings =
His lips spout larger lies on a leisure golf morning.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Oh, what hostile nerve to waylay our US election! =
When you have to cheat to win you're still a loser!
Dharam Khalsa with:
President-Elect Joe Biden =
I need entitled creep's job.
George Missailidis with:
USA President Biden =
Superb as I intended.
Jesse Frankovich with:
Infectious disease =
I do see Fauci is sent.
John Ramos with:
"I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!" =
Noticeable hostility now.
Meyran Kraus with:
The incumbent president of the US =
Often entrenched, but his time's up.
Meyran Kraus with:
USA is wearied by Trump =
It sure was a bumpy ride.
Murray Cameron with:
Massive electoral fraud ~
scared a foul, evil master.
Murray Cameron with:
Massive electoral fraud ~
as dust fell over America.
Murray Cameron with:
Four more years =
Reform, you arse!
Paul Lusch with:
Election misconduct =
I'm nuts, concocted lie.
Rosie Perera with:
Massive electoral fraud =
False, overrated US claim.
Rosie Perera with:
An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure =
A vaccine's potent if one be found upon our rent Earth.
Rosie Perera with:
Democrat pounding Old Dotard: ~
"Good riddance to Donald Trump."
Rosie Perera with:
Lest We Forget =
Get flowerets.
Rosie Perera with:
No Justice No Peace ‡
Pence to join cause.
Rosie Perera with:
Biden will be America's second Catholic president =
Nice! Christ will be pleased. Can it be sad or demonic?
Rosie Perera with:
Americans being cautioned to cancel Thanksgiving =
Covid causing me to neglect kin branch in East again.
Rosie Perera with:
Donald Trump's "Election Defense Fund" =
Endless incompetent fraud unfolded.
Rosie Perera with:
Anti-mask hostility =
This animosity talk!
Rosie Perera with:
Klan cabal cuss at ~
Black Santa Claus.
Rosie Perera with:
Police crack down on secret warehouse parties =
Ah, notice cool super-spreader act. Now we're sick!
Thomas W Hunter with:
Tuesday, the third of November =
The USA: they voted for Mr Biden.
Tom Myers with:
Nigella Lawson's twice-buttered toast. =
I gain countless tweets, a world battle.
Tony Crafter with:
The socialite Ghislaine Noelle Marion Maxwell =
Olé! Late millionaire's ex-mate's now in a high cell.
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The late Diego Maradona =
Dominated the goal area.
2nd - Adie Pena with:
POTUS Joe Biden =
I depose nutjob!
3rd - Rosie Perera with:
USA President Donald Trump =
Putrid and upset damn loser.
David Bourke with:
The late David Charles Prowse =
Last epic...Darth Vader, who else!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Centibillionaires:
* Jeff Bezos
* Elon Musk
* Bill Gates
=
Job:
* Bamboozling fees
* Riskiness
* Intellectual life
Francesco Colonnelli with:
Ursula Von Der Leyen =
A lovely nerd runs EU.
Meyran Kraus with:
President Biden =
Best, indeed... in PR. ;)
Meyran Kraus with:
The late Diego Maradona =
Dominated the goal area.
Rosie Perera with:
USA President Donald Trump =
Putrid and upset damn loser.
Tony Crafter with:
Nigella Lucy Lawson ('The Domestic Goddess') =
English woman's décolletage? It's so cuddly!
View with:
Chrishell Stause =
Ace! She thrills us!
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Snowdonia National Park, in Wales =
Stop now, in awe, and soak in all the... rain!
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Wildlife Conservation Society =
It's a nice friendly voice to owls.
3rd - Adie Pena with:
Royal Botanic Gardens in Kew, England =
I can walk by a grand green London site.
Adie Pena with:
Royal Botanic Gardens in Kew, England =
I can walk by a grand green London site.
Alan Yoshioka with:
The Great Barrington Declaration =
I go attract an ignorant "herd" rebel.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Wildlife Conservation Society =
It's a nice friendly voice to owls.
Meyran Kraus with:
The Biden Administration =
Mend this dire nation a bit.
Murray Cameron with:
The Zombie Apocalypse =
Ample bitey-chaps ooze.
Paul Lusch with:
General Services Administration =
Delivering a transition scares me
Rosie Perera with:
Four Seasons Total Landscaping =
Assign a local spot for a nut's end.
Rosie Perera with:
The National Audubon Society =
Cue a loon study in one habitat.
Rosie Perera with:
Hurricane Iota =
A rainier touch.
Rosie Perera with:
The Air Line Pilots Association =
It is also heroic to sit in a plane.
Rosie Perera with:
The Las Vegas Strip =
Several apt sights.
Rosie Perera with:
The Fairness Doctrine =
Editors enshrine fact.
Rosie Perera with:
The Treaty of Washington =
No testy hate, fight no war.
Tony Crafter with:
The Snowdonia National Park, in Wales =
Stop now, in awe, and soak in all the... rain!
1st - Adie Pena with:
Five Movies Starring The Beatles
1. A Hard Day's Night
2. Help!
3. Magical Mystery Tour
4. Yellow Submarine
5. Let It Be
=
1. Screaming girls; mayhem
2. The savvy group's best
3. A failure
4. With bloody Meanies
5. Literally at the bitter end.
Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
For A Healthier Diet.
Main, key foods that need substitution:
1. Noodles
2. Chips
3. Cow's milk
4. Rice
5. Butter
6. Sugar
7. Cheese
8. Chocolate
=
Top substitute feeds:
1. Celery
2. Chia seeds
3. Coconut milk
4. Cauliflower
5. Heartache
6. Heartbreak
7. Eh...? No!
8. Sod it - I'm so not doing this.
Eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Top Ennio Morricone Scores
1. 'The Good, The Bad and the Ugly'
2. 'A Fistful of Dollars'
3. 'The Thing'
4. 'The Untouchables'
5. 'Cinema Paradiso'
=
1. Coyote choir
2. Guitar, chant and bells
3. Odd horror beats
4. Suspenseful piano notes
5. The touching homage to life, death and Film
Adie Pena with:
Five Movies Starring The Beatles
1. A Hard Day's Night
2. Help!
3. Magical Mystery Tour
4. Yellow Submarine
5. Let It Be
=
1. Screaming girls; mayhem
2. The savvy group's best
3. A failure
4. With bloody Meanies
5. Literally at the bitter end.
David Bourke with:
Footballing's legend, the late Diego Armando Maradona
=
A "Hand of God" goal is, to all in England, a date to remember!
Dharam Khalsa with:
A Catholic, a teacher, a woman of color, and a Jew walked into the White House, along with a rescue dog...
~
Ha, ha, ha! Wow, that's a joke, right?
No, we won. We chose a clear multiracial idea.
Concede and get out, fool!
Dharam Khalsa with:
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." - Eleanor Roosevelt
=
Whether the foolish mind would overanalyze the world's focus on you, or how you look, you matter! - Beauty editors
George Missailidis with:
'People may die' if Trump continues to obstruct handover, says President-elect Biden
=
To decline/preempt transition of my US president can't ease trouble pushed by COVID.
Jesse Frankovich with:
"On Christmas night, all Christians sing to hear the news the angels bring"
=
"On Christmas, all here cherish when getting things on a list Santa brings!"
Maurice Goddard with:
A defeated Donald Trump has yet to concede, and he has the backing of his party
=
Then stay and pray!! Good riddance to the hate-bent Lame-Duck headache! Piss off!
Maurice Goddard with:
Trump calls on GOP state legislatures to overturn election results
=
Total lunatic struggles on! Most corrupt ill POTUS stealer ever seen!
Meyran Kraus with:
"If we despise our own government, we have no future." =
Review of a goof we've now seen in the US under Trump?
Meyran Kraus with:
Top Ennio Morricone Scores
1. 'The Good, The Bad and the Ugly'
2. 'A Fistful of Dollars'
3. 'The Thing'
4. 'The Untouchables'
5. 'Cinema Paradiso'
=
1. Coyote choir
2. Guitar, chant and bells
3. Odd horror beats
4. Suspenseful piano notes
5. The touching homage to life, death and Film
Rosie Perera with:
"We were getting ready to win this election. Frankly, we did win this election."
=
Nitwit Donald tweeting he clinched it early. We ignore it. We know strife, yes.
Rosie Perera with:
States ramp up for biggest vaccination effort in history
=
Increasing profits by safe attempt to fight coronavirus.
Rosie Perera with:
You would think that in a fancy restaurant at these prices you could keep the snails off the food!
=
Hush! It's our fancy French feast that your people wouldn't eat if the cook denoted it as a "snail". Yuk!
Rosie Perera with:
Santa Claus is an essential worker and will not be subject to Covid-19 travel restrictions
=
9 arctic reindeer and 1 St. Nick will arrive as usual to leave objects on snob tots' want-lists.
Rosie Perera with:
"America needs to repent for its worship of whiteness." (Rev. Raphael Warnock)
=
Person of color ran for Senate, preached views that ire the swankier wimps.
Tony Crafter with:
For A Healthier Diet.
Main, key foods that need substitution:
1. Noodles
2. Chips
3. Cow's milk
4. Rice
5. Butter
6. Sugar
7. Cheese
8. Chocolate
=
Top substitute feeds:
1. Celery
2. Chia seeds
3. Coconut milk
4. Cauliflower
5. Heartache
6. Heartbreak
7. Eh...? No!
8. Sod it - I'm so not doing this.
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
End baffling claims you're a winner;
Cease childish speech at dinner;
Quit and accept a sharp effective foe,
A badass champ. Viva Joe!
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
CHINA'S SHAME
Facing quarantine?
Pissed off?
Scared?
Don't fear
A vaccine is here
Covid will fade
Just be happy
Be calm
Have patience
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
The perv with no chance in a race
Reprised "A Dem Fib!" in his case.
Uncivil facades
May singe Joe B's squad -
Pal, F*** OFF and vacate the place!!
Adie Pena with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
I chip in, vote, have a
Massage, freshen up.
Abracadabra! Dawn.
Joe
Efficiently vanquishes
Donald, a miffed creep. Clinches
It, accepts.
Dharam Khalsa with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
If juvenile behavior by a president who reacted shames his face, and is crippling, calm acceptance and a quiet hand-off saves face.
Dharam Khalsa with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
Biden:
1. Winner (has a chance!)
2. Jovial face
3. Impeccable
4. Transparent
5. Decisive
Trump:
1. Defeated
2. Savage fans
3. Childish
4. Opaque
5. Iffy chaos
Dharam Khalsa with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
If Mr. Trump can cease whining, crush his bald pride, accept his job defeat, say QAnon's false, vacate office, and leave...
Ah, divine peace!
Dharam Khalsa with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
End baffling claims you're a winner;
Cease childish speech at dinner;
Quit and accept a sharp effective foe,
A badass champ. Viva Joe!
George Missailidis with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
Special qualities which capable Joe Biden has, provided an efficacy of even having Trump - a crass, crass man - face defeat in the end.
John Ramos with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
Forbearance, discipline, and hot coffee help affably vanquish anagrams. We have rejected avid impatience--it handicaps success.
Maurice Goddard with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."
- John Quincy Adams
=
Joe prevails, aha!
Over a bad vengeful rash rat!
Efficient,
Biden's a champ
In wisdom's
Depth! Adequate
Efficiency! Class!
Nice chap CAN!
Meyran Kraus with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
The perv with no chance in a race
Reprised "A Dem Fib!" in his case.
Uncivil facades
May singe Joe B's squad -
Pal, F*** OFF and vacate the place!!
Paul Pan with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
I, an - alas! - abjectly ravenous café chef, quipped: "Damn microwave oven, finish heating the spiced beef-carcass enchilada dip faster!"
Rosie Perera with:
Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. - John Quincy Adams
=
Perhaps the Covid pandemic is a hard lesson on impeccable life in a quarantine facing abject adversity such as few have effaced.
Tony Crafter with:
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
=
CHINA'S SHAME
Facing quarantine?
Pissed off?
Scared?
Don't fear
A vaccine is here
Covid will fade
Just be happy
Be calm
Have patience
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A married couple were motoring along at a moderate thirty miles per hour, with the wife at the wheel driving.
Then out of the blue, her husband said, "Look, I realise we've been married for twenty years, but... I want a divorce."
The wife said nothing, but gradually increased her speed to forty mph.
The husband continued. "I'm having an affair with your best friend Tiffany because, frankly, the sex is amazing and it's a hell of a lot better than what I experience with you. Don't try to oppose me or to change my mind."
Still his wife remained silent. And the speed went up to 80mph.
Bolder now, he decided to push his luck. "I want the house too," he continued.
90mph.
"And the car," he added.
100mph
"And I'll have the pick of the rest of our stuff - bank accounts, credit cards, oh...and the boat of course."
The car, racing on, strayed towards a concrete bridge. This got him nervous, and he asked "So, is there anything you need?"
The wife replied in a calm voice.
"No, Geoffrey, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he sniggered, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slammed into the wall, the wife shot a glance at him and smiled: "The airbag."
=
Robert had bought a brand new Mercedes to celebrate his recent divorce from his wife and was on the interstate for an evening drive to test it out.
The top was down, an unusually balmy breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up a tad.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he noticed flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he muttered scornfully and opened the car up further.
The needle hit 80, 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "Blast! What the hell am I doing?" he thought, and he immediately pulled over.
The cop came over to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
Then he said: "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like any more paperwork, I don't need the stress or the overtime. So, if you can give me a really good excuse for your appalling driving, then you can go free."
Robert thought about this for a second and said, "I'm sorry, but last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend sir," said the officer.
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
There once was a farmer whose five beautiful daughters were each being picked up for dates at the same time.
The farmer said, "When the young men arrive, I will answer the door. I will interview each of them and if I don't like their answers, I will not hesitate to shoot them."
Just then, a knock was heard. The farmer went to answer the door at once, trusty shotgun in his hand. "Who are you, which of my daughters are you here to see, and what are your plans?"
"I'm known as Teddy," said the boy. "Heddy and I are going steady. I'd like to take Heddy out to get spaghetti. Is she ready?"
"I don't see any harm in this," thought the farmer. He gave his consent, and Teddy and Heddy went out to get spaghetti.
A second knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who are you, which of my daughters are you are you here to pick up, and what are your plans?"
"My name's Joe," answered the boy. "I want you to know that I'm taking Flo to a comedy show. Can we go? Yes or no?"
"I don't see any harm in this," thought the farmer, and then Joe and Flo went off to the show.
~
Just then, a third tap was heard on the door. The farmer emerged, his shotgun in hand, and interviewed the teen with the words, "Who are you, and where are you going?"
"I'm known as Nate," said the gawky youth. "Sorry I'm late for my date with Kate. We want to go uptown to skate. It'll be great!"
The farmer figured, "The guy seems trustworthy. I guess I don't see any harm in it." So Nate and Kate went off to skate.
Just then, a fourth rap was heard on the door. The father emerged, his weapon in hand, and yelled, "What do you wish to do?"
"I'm Lance," said the amorous young man. "I want to take Nance to the dance, which is decorated like Paris, France. Is she ready for romance, by chance?"
The farmer was satisfied. He thought, "I don't see a problem." He nodded "Okay, you two go ahead", so Lance took Nance off to the dance.
Just then, they heard a fifth rap on the door. The weary old farmer answered the door, with his shotgun in his hand. "What is your motive, son?"
"Howdy, I'm Chuck," said the youth...
They were the last words the young man ever spoke. Anyway, I believe he is lying in the morgue.
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Four Seasons Debacle
Earlier this month, President Donald Trump, struggling to convince people that the election is rigged, announced on Twitter a "big press conference" at the "Four Seasons, Philadelphia". Surprisingly, though, President Trump later said that it would be held at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping, a family-operated business for grounds maintenance. The Four Seasons Hotel, meanwhile, said that the press conference will not be held near it.
The few anxious journalists who arrived at the scene were amazed to discover that this was a dingy back-alley in an industrial zone next to an adult bookstore and in front of a cremation center. This was quite obviously a horrible mistake or a joke gone horribly wrong. The president's crew, however, claimed that this conference's location was not a mistake.
When asked to clarify the issue, President Trump's personal schedule planner Mrs. Barbara Dangit apologized for the slight faux-pas and offered a few more corrections to Mr. Trump's schedule. Here's Barbara's full announcement:
=
* The 'Ritz conference' shall be held at the new Costco aisle for salted crackers;
* The 'Hilton gathering' is actually a screening of a new remaster of Paris Hilton's tape (in a private booth);
* The 'Plaza forum' is actually an online discussion of actress Aubrey Plaza's bloopers on 'Parks and Recreation';
* The 'West Wing Q&A' will occur at an Aaron Sorkin DVD signing;
* The 'Apple hearing' will take place at Arthur Lemon's fruit stand in Tennessee, where Mr. Lemon shall instruct the press on detecting worms in produce using mostly sound;
* The 'Corona meeting' is really an outdoor party for fans of the Mexican beer in the streets of Guadalupe [NO FREE SAMPLES];
* The 'Rally with Bush' won't feature our former leader but rather a Kate Bush impersonator (and if she's somehow unavailable, it's Jeb Bush).
The President's next State of the Union Address, however, will proceed as planned at the stated date - but with the minor change of one Joe Biden delivering said address instead of Mr. Trump (who, according to him, is going to be indisposed and 'stuck in court for the next decade or so').
Charlie Brown with:
In Spijkenisse, in the Netherlands, whale sculpture somehow catches metro train in mid-air. Tale? Holiest fortuities, avoided the damage.
=
The artist Marteen Struijs said: "I would never imagine that" and he then said: "I will need to make some photos". The occupiers are fine. Chills!
Dharam Khalsa with:
There once was a farmer whose five beautiful daughters were each being picked up for dates at the same time.
The farmer said, "When the young men arrive, I will answer the door. I will interview each of them and if I don't like their answers, I will not hesitate to shoot them."
Just then, a knock was heard. The farmer went to answer the door at once, trusty shotgun in his hand. "Who are you, which of my daughters are you here to see, and what are your plans?"
"I'm known as Teddy," said the boy. "Heddy and I are going steady. I'd like to take Heddy out to get spaghetti. Is she ready?"
"I don't see any harm in this," thought the farmer. He gave his consent, and Teddy and Heddy went out to get spaghetti.
A second knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who are you, which of my daughters are you are you here to pick up, and what are your plans?"
"My name's Joe," answered the boy. "I want you to know that I'm taking Flo to a comedy show. Can we go? Yes or no?"
"I don't see any harm in this," thought the farmer, and then Joe and Flo went off to the show.
~
Just then, a third tap was heard on the door. The farmer emerged, his shotgun in hand, and interviewed the teen with the words, "Who are you, and where are you going?"
"I'm known as Nate," said the gawky youth. "Sorry I'm late for my date with Kate. We want to go uptown to skate. It'll be great!"
The farmer figured, "The guy seems trustworthy. I guess I don't see any harm in it." So Nate and Kate went off to skate.
Just then, a fourth rap was heard on the door. The father emerged, his weapon in hand, and yelled, "What do you wish to do?"
"I'm Lance," said the amorous young man. "I want to take Nance to the dance, which is decorated like Paris, France. Is she ready for romance, by chance?"
The farmer was satisfied. He thought, "I don't see a problem." He nodded "Okay, you two go ahead", so Lance took Nance off to the dance.
Just then, they heard a fifth rap on the door. The weary old farmer answered the door, with his shotgun in his hand. "What is your motive, son?"
"Howdy, I'm Chuck," said the youth...
They were the last words the young man ever spoke. Anyway, I believe he is lying in the morgue.
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
Twelve Drummers Drumming
Eleven Pipers Piping
Ten Lords a-Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a-Milking
Seven Swans a-Swimming
Six Geese a-Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
=
In twelve months of this year, a pandemic gave a town:
Twelve Wishes Canceled
Eleven Gloomy Children
Ten Parents Arguing
Nine Feverish Grandmas
Eight Fuming Landlords
Seven Bewildered Hairdressers
Six Farm Nightmares
Five Immigrants Deported
Four Gyms in Peril
Three Empty Stadiums
Two Toilets Plugging
and a Lack in Essential TP.
Meyran Kraus with:
The Four Seasons Debacle
Earlier this month, President Donald Trump, struggling to convince people that the election is rigged, announced on Twitter a "big press conference" at the "Four Seasons, Philadelphia". Surprisingly, though, President Trump later said that it would be held at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping, a family-operated business for grounds maintenance. The Four Seasons Hotel, meanwhile, said that the press conference will not be held near it.
The few anxious journalists who arrived at the scene were amazed to discover that this was a dingy back-alley in an industrial zone next to an adult bookstore and in front of a cremation center. This was quite obviously a horrible mistake or a joke gone horribly wrong. The president's crew, however, claimed that this conference's location was not a mistake.
When asked to clarify the issue, President Trump's personal schedule planner Mrs. Barbara Dangit apologized for the slight faux-pas and offered a few more corrections to Mr. Trump's schedule. Here's Barbara's full announcement:
=
* The 'Ritz conference' shall be held at the new Costco aisle for salted crackers;
* The 'Hilton gathering' is actually a screening of a new remaster of Paris Hilton's tape (in a private booth);
* The 'Plaza forum' is actually an online discussion of actress Aubrey Plaza's bloopers on 'Parks and Recreation';
* The 'West Wing Q&A' will occur at an Aaron Sorkin DVD signing;
* The 'Apple hearing' will take place at Arthur Lemon's fruit stand in Tennessee, where Mr. Lemon shall instruct the press on detecting worms in produce using mostly sound;
* The 'Corona meeting' is really an outdoor party for fans of the Mexican beer in the streets of Guadalupe [NO FREE SAMPLES];
* The 'Rally with Bush' won't feature our former leader but rather a Kate Bush impersonator (and if she's somehow unavailable, it's Jeb Bush).
The President's next State of the Union Address, however, will proceed as planned at the stated date - but with the minor change of one Joe Biden delivering said address instead of Mr. Trump (who, according to him, is going to be indisposed and 'stuck in court for the next decade or so').
Paul Pan with:
Donald Trump
Viktor Orban
Recep Tayyip Erdogan
Jair Bolsonaro
Vladimir Putin
Narendra Modi
Marine LePen
Alexis Tsipras
Matteo Salvini
Nigel Farage=
Populist villains:
MAGA emperor
Magyar viper
Ankara overlord
O Sordido
Russian imp
Mean Raj
Bidet de France
Rotten pita
Italian ninny
Led Anglo Brexit
Rosie Perera with:
Denver Mayor Michael Hancock is apologizing for flying to see his family hours after encouraging Denver residents to avoid Thanksgiving travel
=
Good grief! Amazingly inconsistent. The nerve! This villain has turkey, gravy, fish cooked in citrus, and egg all over his face! Forgive a moron? Pardon me?!
Tony Crafter with:
A married couple were motoring along at a moderate thirty miles per hour, with the wife at the wheel driving.
Then out of the blue, her husband said, "Look, I realise we've been married for twenty years, but... I want a divorce."
The wife said nothing, but gradually increased her speed to forty mph.
The husband continued. "I'm having an affair with your best friend Tiffany because, frankly, the sex is amazing and it's a hell of a lot better than what I experience with you. Don't try to oppose me or to change my mind."
Still his wife remained silent. And the speed went up to 80mph.
Bolder now, he decided to push his luck. "I want the house too," he continued.
90mph.
"And the car," he added.
100mph
"And I'll have the pick of the rest of our stuff - bank accounts, credit cards, oh...and the boat of course."
The car, racing on, strayed towards a concrete bridge. This got him nervous, and he asked "So, is there anything you need?"
The wife replied in a calm voice.
"No, Geoffrey, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he sniggered, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slammed into the wall, the wife shot a glance at him and smiled: "The airbag."
=
Robert had bought a brand new Mercedes to celebrate his recent divorce from his wife and was on the interstate for an evening drive to test it out.
The top was down, an unusually balmy breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up a tad.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he noticed flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he muttered scornfully and opened the car up further.
The needle hit 80, 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "Blast! What the hell am I doing?" he thought, and he immediately pulled over.
The cop came over to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
Then he said: "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like any more paperwork, I don't need the stress or the overtime. So, if you can give me a really good excuse for your appalling driving, then you can go free."
Robert thought about this for a second and said, "I'm sorry, but last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend sir," said the officer.
1st - David Bourke with:
'I Will Survive' (by Gloria Gaynor)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along
And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now, go. Walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh, no, not I
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry but now I hold my head up high
And you see me somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
And now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me
Go on now, go. Walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh, no, not I
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive
Go on now, go. Walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh, no, not I
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive
I will survive=
'I Will Survive The Covid Nineteen Lockdown' (by David Bourke)
At first I was afraid, a little petrified,
No poxy loo roll down in Lidl, I virtually died.
With every bloody day, my downstairs hygiene went awry,
I used to wipe my bottom really thoroughly,
Now I have it just drip-dry.
Run out of shampoo, cotton wool, and soap,
If you think you'll have some vegetables,
You're wrong, no way...you've no hope.
I would've kept my free-range eggs,
I would've divided out my bread,
If I'd somehow imagined in one moment,
Every furloughed idiot would lose their head.
Go on now, go! Walk out that door!
You knuckleheaded cookbook hoarders,
You're just not welcome anymore!
Ain't you the simioid numskulls who snaffled Co-Op budget beans?
Behave, you snivelling, thieving little morons!
I hope you get them down your jeans.
I will survive, I did not panic buy!
Long as I drink heavily, I jolly well know I'll stay alive,
No sauerkraut, Marmite, mushrooms, peas,
It won't have me going on my knees,
I will survive, I will survive, hey hey!
It might need major self-control though, to not fall apart,
With just one individual doughnut in my Tesco trolley cart.
What futile hours, Medway driving round,
(How I felt sorry for myself),
To downtown Aldi outlets, with sod all on every shelf.
No devouring junk now, the whole evening through,
I can't get one vital thing I want, owing to unthinking fools like you.
Tony in Knockholt, Sevenoaks...what an underhanded twit,
Stockpiled his body weight in Velvet loo roll,
Now no-one else can take a shit.
Goodbye! Now go! Walk out that door,
Go, you dimwitted, hoarding gluttons,
Look, you ain't welcome here no more.
You hoovered the digestives up...and ditto, all the cake,
Can't you make a bloomin' fruit crumble,
You no-good twats, do you not know how to bake?
Oh no, not I! I did not panic buy,
I know long as I have vodka (buried), I will stay alive.
No vinaigrette, virgin olive oil, ravioli, mature cheese,
It will not bring me to my knees,
David will survive, David will survive, hey hey!
David will survive, hey hey!
Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE PASSIONATE SHEPHERD TO HIS LOVE
A Poem by
Christopher Marlowe
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove,
That Valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.
And we will sit upon the Rocks,
Seeing the Shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow Rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing Madrigals.
And I will make thee beds of Roses
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroidered all with leaves of Myrtle;
A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty Lambs we pull;
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold;
A belt of straw and Ivy buds,
With Coral clasps and Amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.
The Shepherds' Swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May-morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me, and be my love.
=
COME LIVE WIV ME, CLASSY LASS.
(Man)
Come live wiv me and be me babe,
Tell me yer answer, no delays,
I'm not the sort of dude who'll wait,
There's lots of women I could date.
Come live wiv me 'cos I'm the goods,
I've got this swell pad in the woods,
Well - me and all the other chaps,
I know yer'll love them! (well... perhaps).
We'll let yer wash our vests and slacks,
Do all the chores and shave our backs,
I'm all prepared babe, say the word,
Ah, live wiv me and be me bird!
(Classy Lass)
Bird? Gosh, what a horrid term.
Does it suggest I feed on worms?
Or hint that I am rather flighty?
Primp my fluffy feathers nightly?
Well, rest assured, I'm not like this
I have a life of pampered bliss,
The things you offer don't enthral me,
Phrased more harshly - they appal me!
You sound like hapless ruffians,
And I'd be better scoffing tons
Of poisoned apples, than dwell a night,
In your hellish vice-den - Signed, Snow White.
PS: Sod off, sad baldheaded pervs!
Eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
America (A poem written by Claude McKay)
Although she feeds me bread of bitterness,
And sinks into my throat her tiger's tooth,
Stealing my breath of life, I will confess
I love this cultured hell that tests my youth.
Her vigor flows like tides into my blood,
Giving me strength erect against her hate.
Her bigness sweeps my being like a flood.
Yet as a rebel fronts a king in state,
I stand within her walls with not a shred
Of terror, malice, not a word of jeer.
Darkly I gaze into the days ahead,
And see her might and granite wonders there,
Beneath the touch of Time's unerring hand,
Like priceless treasures sinking in the sand.
=
The Trite Retorts
"That Arab's got no wit" "No, it's a lie! Beware"
"I hate chai-drinking twits" "Their kids are everywhere"
"I hate consenting mugs" "Koreans here drive awful"
"That icy Dem seems smug" "Drunk, noisy and unlawful"
"They'd regulate my time" "I'm meant for greater things!"
"No freak'll get my dime" "These snobs control the King"
"Cage all those immigrants" "J. Biden's son's an ass"
"Behold their foolish rant" "That Don In Charge was crass"
Beliefs and hackneyed oaths rolled in from either clan,
Yet I'll be asking both if they forgot the plan;
See, this bizarre divide needs no proof to dispel:
We fight the 'other side' - yet they are us as well.
The Trite Retorts
"That Arab's got no wit" "No, it's a lie! Beware"
"I hate chai-drinking twits" "Their kids are everywhere"
"I hate consenting mugs" "Koreans here drive awful"
"That icy Dem seems smug" "Drunk, noisy and unlawful"
"They'd regulate my time" "I'm meant for greater things"
"No freak'll get my dime" "These snobs control the King"
"Cage all those immigrants" "J. Biden's son's an ass"
"Behold their foolish rant" "That Don In Charge was crass"
Beliefs and hackneyed oaths rolled in from either clan,
Yet I'll be asking both if they forgot the plan;
See, this bizarre divide needs no proof to dispel:
We fight the 'other side' - yet they are us as well.
Tony Crafter with:
A man strolls out into the street at 9.15am and hails a taxi that's just passing by. He gets in, and the driver says, "Aha! You need a cab at 9.15 and I appear. Perfect timing! Just like Ted O'Keefe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Ted O'Keefe ... he's this guy who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along right when you needed a taxi; things like that happened to Ted every single time without fail."
Passenger: "Oh, I don't know, there's always the odd rain cloud over everyone."
Cabbie: "Oh no, not our Ted. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, and he could hold his own at golf with the pros. He sang like an operatic tenor and danced like Fred Astaire. And you shoulda heard old Ted play the piano! He was fantastic."
Passenger: "Well, it sounds like he was really special."
Cabbie: "Oh, yes. And that's not all - there's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everyone's address and birthday. He knew all about the finest wines, which foods to order, and which forks to eat them with. And he could repair anything. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole damned street's blacked out. But Ted, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "He sounds like some man!"
Cabbie: "And that's not the half of it. He knew all the fastest routes to take to miss the traffic jams. Not me, I always seem to get caught in the traffic. But Ted didn't make mistakes. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He wouldn't argue with her, even if she was in the wrong; and his dress sense was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, the lot. He was truly perfect! I never knew him to make a single error. Ah, no one could measure up to the Ted."
Passenger: "That Ted fellow's indeed a one-off! How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Ted. He died 7 years ago, and I married his soddin' wife!"
=
A travelling salesman stepped off of a bus in a small, unexciting Midwestern town. He had some time to kill so he asked the ticket counter clerk what there was to do in the area.
The clerk replied that the bars were shut because it was Sunday, but if he just walked down to the end of the main road there was an old Indian chief who had the greatest memory in the world.
The salesman was grouchy about not getting a drink after his long bus ride but shrugged, 'okay, why not?' and set out to see the old guy who supposedly remembered everything.
When he got to the end of the main road, he looked over and saw a teepee in a field just across the way. He walked over and stuck his head inside.
There sat an ancient man wearing traditional Indian clothing, and looking like he'd stepped straight from a history book. The elder looked up and said: "How".
"How," replied the salesman. "Do you really remember everything?" to which the ancient chief replied only: "Yes".
The salesman thought about it for a minute and finally asked, "OK... what did you have for breakfast on September 9th, 1957?"
The chief thought for a second and said: "Eggs."
Bored already, the salesman laughed and left the teepee to return to his hotel.
About 15 years later the very same commercial salesman happened to be in the very same town, visiting a customer.
He remembered the old Indian guy and wondered if he was still alive. Walking to the end of town, just as he had all those years earlier, he saw the teepee was still there.
He walked across and again stuck his head in to see the Indian chief sitting exactly as he was a decade-and-a-half ago! In an attempt to mimic the chief's previous greeting, the salesman politely smiled and said: "How."
After a few seconds the chief looked up at him with knowing eyes and replied: "Scrambled."
1st - John Murray with:
Four weeks of a full lockdown =
"All of us look fucked!", we frown.
2nd - Rick Rothstein with:
Those Intensive Care Units =
I note nurses have nice tits.
3rd - Adie Pena with:
The naked pastor's dick =
Kid's "deep throat" snack.
Adie Pena with:
One-night stand =
Snog in that den.
Adie Pena with:
The naked pastor's dick =
Kid's "deep throat" snack.
Brian Taylor with:
A groin is valuable =
I use vaginal labor.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Dirty scoundrel =
Disorderly cunt.
John Murray with:
Four weeks of a full lockdown =
"All of us look fucked!", we frown.
Meyran Kraus with:
Pack of tissues near ~
passionate fuckers.
Paul Pan with:
Trumpist =
Tits/rump.
Phil Carmody with:
Who Is Miles Taylor? =
Some lowly airshit.
Rick Rothstein with:
Those Intensive Care Units =
I note nurses have nice tits.
Tony Crafter with:
Nigella Lucy Lawson (aka 'The Domestic Goddess') =
A celestial woman guys'd kill to shag? Seconded!