Anagrammy Placings by David Bourke in 2001
All the highly-placed anagrams by David Bourke from the 2001 Anagrammy Awards.
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Institutionalised racism =
It salutes discrimination.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Just five of the greatest and most influential axemen ever known, in my humble personal (and biased) opinion: =
1. Jimi Hendrix. A funky mean soul'n'blues man. Died of breathing (own) vomit. Vast, insane talent. Stone Free, people!
2. Brian May. Was in one fine band. Def Leppard, Extreme, even Mott just love him! Sung like shit. So, a final tune? No, no!
3. Eddie Van Halen. Extremely fast king of inverse-twin-hand tap. But one memorable solo, in 'Jump!'...fine sustain, no?
4. Pete Townshend. Deaf. Maximum (ie: most noisy) R'n'B / real ennui. Band fave? - 'Join Together'. Vast, full pink nose. ("A line?")
5. Nigel Tufnel. (Of Spinal Tap). Very fast. The bonehead's mission? - Banjo turned onto maximum din. (ie: "eleven"). Wanker.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Decomposing
Composers
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Foot-and-Mouth Disease spreads in Great Britain... ~
Dead beasts in a pit - a ruined farmer's soon got hit.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
INCREASE the size of your breasts!
100% Satisfaction Guaranteed !!!
This revolutionary product has been used by thousands of women
in Europe.
Kept secret by top models, now available to anyone who wants to
improve their bust size.
This unique formula will make your breasts fuller and firmer.
"Thank you for this product. After just one week I could feel my bra tighten. It has now been 6 weeks and my bust size has increased 1.75 inches. My bust even looks healthier than my sister's, and she had breast implants. Thanks again." - Sally, Utah
We receive letters like this everyday - yours could be next.
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If our Web site is unavailable please call 1-316-262-4144.
To be removed from future mailings please click on the line below
and hit send.
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=
Hi! Tiny 31"/32" tits? Pack two weeny fried eggs?
- Try new unique 'Bazonga-Buster' - I bet you will need a heavy-duty
industrial over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder! Your new enormous
Double-E size wobbly whoppers will look like a dead-heat in a
Zeppelin race!
See a 10-11% increase a day! 10-11!
As used by the vastest of the vast:
- "Shee-it!! It seems ah now need a couple of tarpaulin sheets to cover mah little ole creamy milkchurns!" - Dolly Parton
- "Blimey, mate! 41"... 42"... 46"... 52"... 66"... me massive top-bollocks, they just carry on fuckin' growin', dahn't yer fink, eh?" - Barbara Windsor
- "I have such famous stacks now! Marvellous mammaries...70" stunners, dahling! Feel it!" - Lolo Ferrari
- "That IS nice! Now me breasts stretch out onto pages two and four, see!" - Samantha Fox
Be keen! Bust out, OK! It's time - visit the website this instant:
beautifulbristols@acefinetitties.com
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Ariel Sharon =
Oh, ran Israel?
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, February 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
A list of just five of the most gruesome tyrants, evil dictators and bloodthirsty despots of all the twentieth century: =
1. Adolf Hitler: O-T-T nut. Strived to rid Germany of the last Jews by the Holocaust. One testis. "Mist!" - Very pissed-off total cunt.
2. Josef Stalin: It's that little Soviet cult nutter - got covered with the red bloodspot off of many Russian mystery deaths.
3. Slobodan Milosevic: The fatty's thieves enjoyed murdering Croats (tut tut!). If he lost power, still that dotty naff tosser.
4. Saddam Hussein: Oft set out for victory by his Jihad against West, lost most utterly. Don't let the little pervert off once.
5. Margaret Thatcher - Feisty old trout. Testy toff. Destroyed Malvinas ship just to win election. Loves self, doubt this not.
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The 'oldest profession' =
Lots of red-hot penises!
SPAM CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Consolidate all your Bills into One Monthly Payment
Slash your credit card interest rates down to zero =
Sorry... utter shit. Come to Poland! You can now land lenders'
rates set at ten million-or-so zloty daily! Be rich!
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
When you access the Internet, your computer keeps permanent hidden
records of your activities!
Evidence Eliminator allowed me to see exactly whats on my PC's hard drive. Needless to say I was shocked at what I found. Files I shredded months earlier were clearly visible using this software.
If you take your computer in for repair, what will they find? Think about it !
You really do need.............Evidence Eliminator.
http://www.evidence-eliminator.com/go.shtml?A653704
kkqikhyvovjsyueindfgovbmeittecthcdkmqhshejyklpucyqfwbge
=
Dear fellow depraved sick perverts,
When I took my computer in my local PC World, they found exactly 653,704 dirty pictures of sweet babies downloaded free from www.nakedchildren.net on my hard drive, and they very quickly contacted the police. Why, I just wish I'd had Evidence-Eliminator software then! Sheer sheer shame! I'm finished, totally finished, career-wise! So if you wanna be in my gang, then you keep our sick, sick activities quite quite secret, OK? Just think about that lesson, hmmm?
- Gary Glitter
PS: I love you love me love!
LONG CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou
among women, and blessed be the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy
Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour
of our death. Amen.
=
Praise Allah, for he, not Christ, is god,
Offer thyself to Mohammed, the grand holy man.
If we anger, burdened at the hour of need,
May we use just words, not bombs,
Shout for Islam - truly, the honourable way.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Hereby listed, my considered personal choices of but five of the world's greatest known anagrammatists: =
- The fine old, grey Larry Brash from Newcastle, NSW. Voted 'King of comic Spam', but he desires to net a Set. (As do I!)
- Richard 'Grammy Kid' Grantham, oft top in wins last year. The fellow deserves to be 'No. One' of successes, I'd bet!
- Meyran Kraus - A showoff, crowing at old Rehovot bitches. (Er... damn big set credentials!) Seems Seinfeld-potty.
- Richard Brodie. What mass talents! So doesn't even flinch at many Good Book rewrites, etc. ("Mere piffles, guys!")
- Michael Keith. Class maths genius, yet fast renowned for 'Periodic Table'. (Now set odds-on for 'Very Best Gram'.)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Dear friend,
Would you like to receive every morning Italian news directly
in your mailbox, ABSOLUTELY FREE? If you are an Italian abroad,
or descending from Italian(s), or if you like Italy or if you
want to travel in Italy you can see, in this way, what's happening
in your liked country and feel nearer to it. If you like that,
it is enough you click here newsitaly@terra.es and confirm your
email address.
We offer also other services, all free, that you can see in our
web pages. You can always unsubscribe simply sending us an empty
email with object "unsubscribe". We safeguard your privacy
(see our "privacy statement") and this is the ONE email
you'll receive from us if you don't want our services.
This message is being sent to you in compliance with the proposed
Federal legislation for commercial e-mail (S.1618 - SECTION 301).
"Pursuant to Section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(C) of S. 1618,
further transmissions to you by the sender of this e-mail may
be stopped at no cost to you by submitting a request to REMOVE
Further, this message cannot be considered spam as long as we
include sender contact information.
Italy-news staff.
Estimado amigo: Estaría usted interesado en recibir
Noticias de Italia cada mañana, directamente en su correo
electrónico ABSOLUTAMENTE GRATIS? Si usted es un italiano
viviendo en el extranjero, o descendiente de italianos, y le gustaría
saber que está pasando diariamente en su país, y
sentirse más cerca de él... todo lo que necesita
hacer click aquí: newsitaly@terra.es y confirmar su email
address.
Usted puede asimismo cuando lo desee retirar su suscripción
simplemente enviandonos un e-mail en blando con el siguiente mensaje:
"unsubscribe". Garantizamos su privacidad (vea nuestro
"privacy statement") y este es el único e-mail
que usted recibirá de nosotros si usted no desea suscribirse
a nuestros servicios.
Este mensaje se está enviando usted en conformidad con
la legislación federal propuesta para el E-mail comercial
(S.1618 - SECCIÓN 301). conforme sección 301, párrafo
(a)(2)(C) s. 1618, futuro transmisión usted por remitente
este E-mail poder ser parar en ninguno coste usted por someter
uno petición para QUITAR más lejos, este mensaje
poder no ser considerar Spam tan de largo a medida que nosotros
incluir remitente contacto información. Staff de Italy
News)
=
Dear greasy eye-tie wop cunts,
Mama mia! You rest assured, next time I see a need of 1138666
miles of festering spaghetti, 1112300 tons of ravioli, 116120
tons of 'al dente' penne pasta, 138188 tons of parmesan cheese,
rancid diseased prosciutto, macaroni fumes, crumbly panettone,
a sickly sweet tutti-frutti ice cream, obscenely fat-arsed tenors
in inane poncy tuneless operas, Joe Dolce's 'Shaddapa Your Face',
'Que Sera Sera', a severed horse's head on my pillow, tanks with
1 forward and 30 reverse gears, white flags, ceaseless political
corruption, seedy bent police, insane suicidal maniacs out in
rusty Fiats or on weeny toy Lambretta and Vespa street scooters,
Dario Fo, Andrea Bocelli, Benito 'Il Duce' Mussolini, Serie-A
footie teams in San Siro, Sophia Loren, Carlo Ponti, Giancarlo
Fisichella, tasteless United Colors of Benetton advertisements,
I Scuderia Ferrari Maranello F1 tifosi, senselessly fast 'Testarossa'
dick-replacements, Pininfarina, lop-sided monuments @ Pisa, ruined
stadiums @ Rome, Etna, armless indecent nude statues, weedy reedy
Bontempi organs, lute tunes, Julius Caesar (a cruel murderer),
Nero (just a tyrant), Romano Prodi, Massimo Troisi, an Olivetti
typewriter, E.U. Commissioner Emma Bonino, money-grabbing gondoliers
in Venice (an insanitary true sewer), Caneletto, RAI, Greta Scacchi,
Andrea de Cesaris, Cicciolina's quite grotesque tits, Casanova,
Versace, Armani, Fiorucci, Alberto 'La Bomba' Tomba, Deborah Compagnoni,
La Giaconda, Jarno Trulli, Alfa Romeo, Ducati, Maserati, La Mille
Miglia, Riccardo Patrese, Zucchero, Adriano Celentano, Lucio Battisti,
Vasco Rossi, duo Alessi, Pinot Grigio, Topo Gigio (a funny squeaky
wee cute furry rodent), Peroni beer, Chianti, Martini, Marconi,
Rossini, Puccini, Verdi, Monteverdi, Vespucci, Columbus, Dante's
Inferno, Leonardo da Vinci's quite demented nonsense ideas, Vivaldi's
unendurable fiddle tunes, Michaelangelo's so amateur ceiling cartoons,
and any more useless unwanted true crap you create, fear not...
see, I'll surrender at once... er, I mean let you know.
By the way, just a question: I am indeed sure you know just why
your Italy is in a boot-shape, don't you?
- Easy! Because you see, my fine misty-eyed friends, it seems
you'd never get quite as much pure shite out of a tiny shoe. Tee
hee! Yes sirree! Now, if you'd excuse me please, I must run...
ciao!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The American spyplane =
Chinese play mean trap.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, April 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
LESBIAN LOVERS
Click Here!!!
If you like watching two girls together,
this is the site. Click Here!!!
25,000 All-New Lesbian Photos Click Here!!!
Thousands of LESBIAN Movies Click Here!!!
LIVE LESBIAN PERFORMANCES!
=
Click here - listen to k.d. lang's new album
"The Sapphic Sessions", with these choice tracks:
"Clitoris Cheese"
"Labia Licker"
"I Only Fuck Women"
"Hello, Bi!"
"Feelings For Her"
"Girlie Heaven"
"Elsie's 25,000-volt Vibrator"
LONG CATEGORY, April 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
TRAINSPOTTING
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
=
ANAGRAMMING
Choose shit. Choose being such a sad anorak. Choose sitting in front of a PC at about four in the morning. Choose The Daily Mail cryptic crossword. Choose/use Anagram Genius Windows software. Choose Sater. Choose General, Entertainment, Name, Other Name, Rude, Spam, Long Spam, Topical, Set, Long, Special, and Challenge. Choose abuse. Choose SUCH humiliation on the Anagrammy Members' Page. Choose hardship. Choose sacrifice. Choose jeopardising your job. Choose bringing your relationship to its knees. Choose watching that useless fat cunt off Countdown Richard 'Twice Nightly' Whiteley leering at Carol Vorderman. Choose finding Richard Stilgoe SO funny. Ho fucking ho. Choose a stiff neck... red eyes... carpal tunnel syndrome... how exciting for you. But if you choose, I can help you. For fuck's sake USE the future, dude! Get out here in the air - get a life!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Mambo
No 5 - Lou Bega
SPAM CATEGORY, May 2001:
eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
All the Raciest Pictures of your
FAVORITE CELEBRITIES!!
Click Here!!
If you are looking for the ladies, for instance:
Britney Spears --> Click Here!!
Anna Kournikova --> Click Here!!
Sara Michelle Gellar --> Click Here!!
Pamela Anderson --> Click Here!!
Cindy Crawford --> Click Here!!
If you are looking for Men, for instance:
The Backstreet Boys --> Click Here!!
Leonardo DiCaprio --> Click Here!!
George Clooney --> Click Here!! >
Brad Pitt --> Click Here!!
Ricky Martin --> Click here!!
After looking at the above,
check out some FREE porn --> Click Here!!
=
All the dirtiest, deep-in-crack-area pics ever, of your
FAVORITE CELEBRITIES, BARE!!
Click here!!
If you are looking for ladies, for instance:
Nancy Reagan --> Click Here!!
Hillary (or Chelsea) Clinton --> Click Here!!
Tipper Gore --> Click Here!!
Yoko Ono --> Click Here!!
Peter Mandelson --> Click Here!!
If you came looking for men, for instance:
Bill Gates --> Click Here!!
Robin Cook --> Click Here!!
'Dubya' (Wanker) Bush --> Click Here!!
David Frost --> Click Here!!
Margaret Thatcher --> Click Here!!
After a look, some ace FREE sick porn? Try it out!
--> Click Here!!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Conservative =
Voters cave in.
SPAM CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
!!!!--SPECIAL OFFER TOTALLY FREE PASS--!!!! !!!!
----LIMITED TIME OFFER ACT NOW ----!!!!
The Nude Britney Site! - As seen and heard on the Howard Stern
Show.
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.pokeadot.com
Watch Britney dance topless on stage while partying with friends at a New York Night Club!
See Unbelievable Shocking early modeling shots thought to of been destroyed, photos and home videos of Britney Spears.
No way is she a virgin! Check out her infamous nipple slip video!
See her forbidden tits upclose and personal! They're real!
We have gone to great lengths to bring you the hottest content
possible!
Stolen, blackmarket, candid, up skirt, nipple slip, xxx home videos,
and more of Britney Spears and all your favorite celebrities are
our specialty. We pay out over $100,000 a month just to photographers
to provide us with the freshest content of the sexiest celebrities
on the net. Don't miss out on this special FREE offer! Get your
FREE membership now! Don't wait another second Britney is waiting!!!!
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.pokeadot.com
THIS FREE OFFER IS VALID FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY.
=
!!!!--SPECIAL OFFER TOTALLY FREE PASS--!!!! !!!!
----LIMITED OFFER ACT NOW ----!!!!
The Ann Widdecombe Naked Virgin Site!
Seen on BBC News At Ten!!!
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.hideous-old-battleaxe.com
She was offered (at a pretty conservative estimate) $100,000 to keep herself covered up, to no avail!
- Watch her topless at the Tory Party Conference!
(She's possibly got her knockers, but she's OK!)
- See her in her top five hot sexy X-rated new horror videos!:
'Something Of The Night' (starring Michael Howard)
'Shriller'
'Pent-Up Widdecombe's Erection Night Fever'
'Doris Karloff Stops To Show Off Her Unspoiled Kent'
'The Gargantuan Gargoyle Of Westminster'
- Just see her pretty crooked teeth biting into poor Michael Portillo!
- Be bossed about, lectured-to on 'values', patronised (potty opinions on dope), then play-whipped into submission by her, in the virtual-reality 'Monster Of Maidstone' game!
- Buy the 'Auntie Annie' shiny pudding-bowl hairpiece!
Yes, yes, yes! Don't wait another second... Ann's still waiting!!!!
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.hideous-old-battleaxe.com
(PS: THIS FREE OFFER IS FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY).
LONG CATEGORY, June 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The Surgeon General Has Determined That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous
to Your Health. =
See! Go on! Suck more shit into your lungs, get asthma, and at
the end, die right here. Real great!
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Christian values =
Real chauvinists.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Lord's Prayer
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Colonel Sanders' Kentucky Fried Chicken =
Foul skinny cocks enriched late redneck.
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Erectile dysfunction =
Sorely cunt-deficient.
SPAM CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Your Dating Life Might Be Great Right Now,
But What If It Could Be Even Better?!
Dating secrets you might NEVER discover can be yours Instantly!
Check Out Our Best Selling Title: How To Meet & Win With Women
- Myths: Facts and fiction about dating women.
- Dating: The secrets you'll need to be successful.
- Creative places for finding the women of your dreams.
- How to pick up Women.
- Do's and Don'ts: What you should say and what not!
- Pick up lines that Actually Work!
- Conversations:
How to start, keep, and end them, plus memory techniques.
- Confidence boosting techniques that guarantee success.
- Personality types:
Numerous personality types and how to choose which
is right for you.
- Body language:
How to interpret posture, facial expressions, signals,
and touching.
- Personal Ads: Do they really work?
- Making friends:
Finding great friends, where to meet them, and making
friendships last.
- The facts about dating friends, co-workers, and older women.
- Learn the little known secrets for getting a woman to ask you
out.
- Secrets to win and keep a woman's heart
- How to treat her right, gain her trust, and romance her.
Over 250 pages! Much much MORE!
If this book does not greatly increase your Dating Life, return the book in original condition within 30 days for a refund.
=
Dear Sirs,
I'm writing to complain about your book 'How To Meet & Win With Women'. I purchased with good faith, thinking that, a grown man aged 53, it was time I lost my virginity. Having read the book cover to cover the other night, I gradually built up the confidence to ask my cousin Noreen out to see a showing of the film 'Bean', but the evening was a complete and utter disaster. We went in McDonalds for dinner, but she flounced outside the restaurant in a strop. (Women, eh? Bonkers! Such fussy, surly whingers!)
Now, quite appreciating that my opening gambit "Any chance of a fuck, then?" was perhaps a little forward in the circumstances, I resolved to be more circumspect next time.
As for the following sorry occasion, I asked Gwen (the lady in the shops downstairs) on a day off to see Spurs playing at Queen's Park Rangers, but no score, no shags - she took the tickets at once, and went with Noreen instead, the greedy, stingy, rude little cow.
A right wrong 'un!
I regret I'm now at least 200 pounds out of pocket, trying hard, but get no success, angry, still unfulfilled, can't afford to pay my dear old mother her weekly rent, and want total refunds of the useless book and for the one unused cinema ticket. (Enclosed.)
Sorry things had to come to this.
Yours sincerely,
M. Goddard.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.
As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of
the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry, luv! I just didn't see yer. Are yer OK?"
he blurts out.
"Everyfing is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says,
tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Oh my God! NAAAH!" she screams.
"Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down an' all!!!"
=
This here so-called joke is, it seems, just typical of the rude,
sexist, misogynist sheer rubbish the female half of Essex county
have had to endure. Not even remotely amusing, it mocks, I see,
the average Sharon and Tracy as frilly flirts, very easy lays,
tarts, dim hussies on Page 3, gagging fevered harlots (should
that be 'Harlows'?), and whores going round screwing with anyone
and anything in trousers. Men that rehash this view here are surely
morons!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Bourke's Parakeet Facts
The Bourke's Parakeet is thought by many to be one of the most beautiful of all parakeets, dressed as it is in shades of sunset pink and vivid iridescent blues. As one of the grass parakeets of Australia, it is a favourite of many who keep birds. They do best when given some room to fly, rather than being kept in a smaller cage. I have more than once heard their keepers liken them to an over-sized butterfly, and this is a very good description of the way they fly - they flit and bounce in the air in a very similar manner to butterflies, and are a pleasure to watch, with their sweet voices and playfulness. They are quiet, mellow little birds during the middle of the day, but dawn and dusk is another story. Dusk is the magic time for a Bourke's parakeet; they come fully into their element then, seeming to blend into partial invisibility in the uncertain light. Be careful if you plan on having several species share an aviary, and want to include the beautiful Bourke's parakeet - when other species are already roosting for the night, the Bourkies will be at their most active. For example, I had a friend whose Bourkies thought it a great game to knock roosting finches from their perch, like a row of bowling pins! Unlike many birds, the Bourke's big eyes are adapted to allow them to see clearly at dawn and dusk. They have a very playful, boisterous attitude at these times, and they have been known to tease other species sharing a flight with them, who have trouble seeing at all so close to full dark, much less enough to defend themselves. One advantage to keeping Bourkies, is that you always know the gender of your birds, with the exception of some of the rarer colour mutations, like the Rose and the Pink. In all the other Bourke's parakeets, the male will have a vivid blue eyebrow - as soon as you see this distinctive marking, you can be sure that you are looking at a male. Like all the other Grass parakeets, Bourkies do very well on a diet of Soak Seed and Nestling Food, under which regime they seem to breed and feed reliably. They will use a nestbox, but do seem to do better with an open-topped narrow pyramidal design, rather than the usual closed rectangular shape more commonly seen.
=
David Bourke Facts
The David Bourke (gramcheckerius onesadanorakgeekius), a feared type of Hairy Bush Parakeet, usual habitat Rochester, Kent, U.K., is thought by some to be one of the most deeply repugnant, foul-mouthed, and highly offensive of all sad lowlifes that post on the Internet to Alt.Anagrams.
Not to be confused with its more attractive Australian Rules footballer namesake, it has a pinkish-white hue, is skinny, with dark brown silky plumage, bleary little bloodshot pale blue beady weasel eyes, and a distinctive prominent hook-shaped beak.
Completely nocturnal (to the severe irritation of its one breeding partner, the Shrew-Faced Little Blue Sea Shrike), the David Bourke is flightless, transfixed by its reflection in a computer monitor, composing anagrams that are occasionally moderately amusing, but more often, puerile and tiresome, weakened with, on the whole (heh heh!) regular reliance on the 'C' word, foul abuse, and sheer narrow-minded homophobic toilet humour.
The David Bourke is a vegetarian - the diet is thought to consist entirely of pine kernels, millet-meal, kola-nut, seakale, algae, beans, honey, wheat, berries, beetroot, leek, cheese sandwiches, and huge quantities of Stella Artois beer. Virtually impossible, it seems, to house-train, the David Bourke is happiest wallowing around, heavily camouflaged, indeed unbothered by, its stinking filth. Seeking to keep happily to itself, it ventures out of its cage every two weeks between the high months of every March/October to watch a Formula One Grand Prix.
Shy, sneaky, not noted for speech, the David Bourke has only sometimes been known to talk freely. Too risky as a family home pet, easy to anger, it bites when provoked, so is better taken out, shaken-up, and shot. (Or, at the very least, neutered, tied-up and flung in a zoo).
Every winter, the David Bourke hibernates. A keen bass guitarist (so it says), the David Bourke has a penchant for spewing music-related anagrams (well, it is a relative of the Dartford Warbler) and extremely dirty nursery rhymes.
A winner, I see, of several 'Anagrammies', (Hey, what the hell are they?), the David Bourke is, I guess, with a hugely sly nature, perfectly adapted to a free, easy highlife of inactive sloth.
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Durex contraceptives =
Cervix/anus protected.
SPAM CATEGORY, September 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Get Any Bitch You Want
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=
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* Cute little Shar-Pei's! Randy Dinmonts!
* Sexy Setters! Dirty Dobermanns!
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Bouncer: CLICK HERE
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The USA and Britain ~
unite and hit Arabs.
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Drinking to excess =
Dick resting, no sex.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The terrorist Osama Bin Laden =
Arab monster is no idle threat.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The World Toilet Summit in Singapore =
Millions go there to dump in its water!
SPAM CATEGORY, November 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Dear reader,
We would like to ask you to participate in a study that is being conducted by the University of Amsterdam. The subject of this study is Internet communication. Note that your participation is fully anonymous. Please, if you have the time, feel free to go to www.cmc-research.org to fill out the questionnaire that has been set up. It will only take 2 minutes of your time. If you know any other people who might be willing to participate, please forward this message to them. Furthermore, if you have any questions, you can reply to this email address:
mbawolf@xs4all.nl
We would like to thank you very much in advance for your time and effort.
M.Wolf
University of Amsterdam (www.uva.nl)
The Netherlands
=
Dear... er... whatever,
Hey! We in Holland would like to ask you to... you to... er... to participate in a... well... study by the... er... University of Amsterdam. The... er... only subject of our study is the toxic effect of... of... um... blow... weed... reefer... I... I mean, cannabis, on clog-wearing tulipheads that sit around, quite utterly stoned out of their, er... poor tiny little brains, in 24-hour 'brown' canal cafes, continually smoking... um ... wait a moment, I'm quite tired... oh yeah, pot... eating sweet hash cakes (yummy) and posting off spam such as this. Like, er... I'm out of it, too! Totally heavy!
So if... um... if, er... interested, reply to: www.tiptoe-through-the-tulips.com.nl/
Peace, man! You have a nice day, OK!
M. Wolf,
Spliff Survey Team,
University of Amsterdam (www.uva.nl)
The Netherlands.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2001:
eq.1st - David Bourke with:
GODDARD MEMORIAL TRAIL TO BE DEDICATED JUNE 6
The Maurice Goddard Memorial Trail will be dedicated at 10 a.m. June 6 at the Camp Hill Borough Hall in Cumberland County. The four-mile walking and biking trail in Camp Hill Borough is being named for Goddard, a resident of Camp Hill, who was the first secretary of the state's Department of Forests and Waters. Goddard died in 1995 in a fire at his home. Speakers will include Caren Glotfelty, who holds the Maurice Goddard Chair in Forestry and Conservation at Penn State University; William Forrey, past director of the Bureau of Forestry; and Ernest Morrison, an author who is writing a biography of Goddard.
The trail begins at the Conodogoinuit Creek in Seibert Park, passes through the Camp Hill Bypass tunnel and travels south to Fiala Park.
For more information, contact Tom Sexton, Rails-to-Trails Conservancy, at 717 238-1717.
=
THE 'GOLDEN MO' AWARD
The first 'Maurice Goddard Award For Highly Mediocre Poetic Anagramming' shall be presented about June 19th. The winner receives a fabulous expenses-almost-paid, totally-action-filled trip to Molde to, in fact, meet, also touch, the good man too! Sort of. Perhaps. Perhaps not.
A choice 21 candidates for champion are:
Wayne 'Doofus' Baisley
David Bourke
Janet Burholt
Larry Brash
Don/Dan Fortier
Linda Garrett
Richard Grantham
David A. Green
Ernesto Guiraldes
Adrian Hickford
Mey Kraus
Lardy Girl
Tom Myers
Walter Newboldt
Martin Rand
Len Richards
Rick Rothstein
Spurs Kevin
Mick 'Irish' Tully
Sir William Tunstall-Pedoe
For a hint about how to tie... er... win it, catch me at 01695-778177 or toss off an e-mail to mgoddard@frisurf.no, stating in it if a boy or a girl, height, chest/bust profile, inside leg, etc.
I shall find a winner, to be announced Dec 31st.
Got that, dear?
Mo
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Dictaphone =
Hi-tech notepad.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Affirmation
by Savage Garden
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Connex South East to introduce toiletless trains =
Don't excrete, as this line's soon to cut out latrines.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
A wet snatch... ~
what a scent!
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