Anagrammy Placings by Adrian Hickford in 2002
All the highly-placed anagrams by Adrian Hickford from the 2002 Anagrammy Awards.
SPAM CATEGORY, January 2002:
eq.2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Recieving over 1.5 billion page views per month, Ebay is the
ULTIMATE venue for selling virtually any goods and making huge
profits with almost no effort.
But you have to know what to sell and how to sell. That's where Ebay Marketing 2001 comes in.
This manual provides you with easy to understand and detailed instructions for maximizing your profits with selling strategies that are PROVEN WINNERS. This manual provides you with easy to understand and detailed instructions for maximizing your profits with selling strategies that are PROVEN WINNERS.
This information will make you $1000's on Ebay. Although this book was based on eBay auctions, the overall information will work for ALL online auctions. Ebay Marketing 2001 teaches you effective SELLING STRATEGIES and you don't need any specialized computer knowledge. I'm going to pass on the SECRET SELLING TECHNIQUES that I use each and every day to bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars selling my products on internet auctions.
THE INTERNET CAN BE YOUR GOLDMINE!
----------------------------------
Why aren't you digging out the gold? Because you don't have the right tools.
For more information e-mail: joshabrahams@dr.com/ "info" in the subject header.
=
Are you bored by unvarying, irritating, uninformative Internet spam and all it enthusiastically pretends to grant us? Troubled by intrusive requests to solve every problem or improve your situation at just one button's click?
Oh yes.
So, instead of wading through further aggravating inanity and triviality, I reproduce for you a selection of haiku to enjoy, some famous, some not so:
in the cicada's cry
no sign can foretell
how soon it must die
Poverty's child -
she starts to grind some rice,
and gazes at the moon.
a lovely thing to see:
through the paper window's hole,
the Galaxy.
window
wiping to find
winter's face
A sudden shower falls -
and naked I am riding
on a naked horse!
leaf drifts slowly down
Father Time takes one more step
towards vapid winter
behold the ego
set in glowing emptiness
on the edge of time
wisteria vines ambush -
killing all they touch
so beautifully
night, and the moon!
my neighbour, playing on his flute -
out of tune!
lying on my back
a column of exhaled steam
rises to the moon
I kill an ant
and realize my two children
have been watching.
in an urban realm
I discover a tigress
grazing on mulberries
a cautious youth -
hesitant - holds
new stiletto heels.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Radio phone-ins =
Opinions heard.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Oscar nominated actor Will Smith =
Cinema world contrasts him to Ali.
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Feeling romantic =
Flaming erection!
SPAM CATEGORY, February 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Did you ever see the television show about the masked magician
who revealed how the magic tricks worked?
There was a huge backlash from magicians all over the country because one guy was giving away their secrets and ruining the tricks! Well, that's what I'm doing.
Internet Millionaires are going nuts because I've decided to show people how we've easily made our fortunes. They think this is going to ruin them, but I know there is enough to go around for everyone who wants it!
So, I said "to heck with them" and I decided to reveal all of the money making secrets used by the most successful Internet Moguls in the business AND guarantee that these tips can make you $1,000 in cold hard cash in 15 days or less!
His method works!
=
Dear Nitwit Spammer
What will you do with the wealth, the money? Here are some of the wittiest suggestions from the devotees of alt.anagrams:
Rent a huge chicken costume, and wander round the streets and suburbs of Washington DC (the White House, too) making clucking noises. (David Bourke)
Achieve the purchase of cute mouse-like actress Winona Ryder's two ovaries (with 115,000 eggs). Or steal them. (Larry Brash)
Discover how to give head like an emotional gigolo eunuch. (Mick Tully)
Convince George W. Bush to stand aside, and admit the election was won by the enemy: Al Gore. (David Green)
Get a gun - shoot it - use it wisely - suicide is painless... (Mey K.)
Huh? Dunno. Oh! Save the bittern? (Dick 'Einstein' Silk)
Kiss my hairy ass! Cheerio! (Adrian H.)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
American comedian Steven Wright's trademark is
his brilliant dour-faced delivery and remarkably calm, off-the-wall approach to comedy.
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2002:
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Classified Document =
Found access limited.
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
A close encounter of the third kind =
The alien confronted her, dicks out.
SPAM CATEGORY, March 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
If you are looking for niche fetish content for your site then
visit us at Modelxpose.
With such fetishes as Pantyhose, Nylons, Panties, Upskirts,
Legs, Feet, Heels, Bondage, Smoking etc we are sure that you can
find the content that will keep your members happy.
With more being added every single day!!
http://www.modelxpose.com
The Adult Webmasters Fetich Content Store
=
Ahoy there!
Alternatively, why not visit our new pet store!
Examine (then shoot) the following:
Poodle Puppies
Fluffy Kittens
Four and Twenty Blackbirds (mixed)
The Chickens
Cocks
Lengthy Serpents
Deer
Stag
Caribou
Mammoths
Sheep (with mange)
Mooses (or should that be Meese?)
Teeny-Weeny Insects
Wet Piscatory Creatures (Fish)
Tufted Toads and
The Ingenious Wolf-Pig
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
I've Got a Little List
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Funeral processions =
Person's final course.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Walt Disney's "Toy Story" =
Woody stars, tiny style.
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Exotic Dancers =
Concise: X-Rated.
SPAM CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Welcome to the fun and excitement of Sea Scouting! Sea Scouts
is a first-class boating adventure for young adults ages 14 through
20. Sea Scouting is adventure on sea and land -- for you. Sea
Scouting is a co-education program were you will receive expert
training in Seamanship, Navigation, Rules of the Road, Safety,
First Aid, Swimming, Small and Large Boat Handling, Sailing, SCUBA,
Marlinespike, and Boat Construction, Maintenance, and Repairs.
You'll be active in camping, social events, tours, regattas, excursions,
and seamanship contests. You'll also have a chance to develop
maritime skills that can lead to careers later on.
If you are intested in learning more check out http://www.joinseascouts.com
=
Forget all that messing about on the water, get a bicycle!
Imagine, tomorrow, gallivanting across agricultural areas,
open countryside, riding on a shining bike.
Breathlessly pedalling up vast hills, just to free-wheel - *fast*
- for miles on the other side. Astonishment!
Go on an excursion on a velocipede or old tandem, cycling in steamy August for perfect picnics of delicate salad, immense Danish pastries and outrageous puddings. Heaven-sent!
Exciting adventures, too, as a titanic truck accelerates and fails to see you. A cracked cranium - a serious concussion - massive trauma - rotten pain - unconsciousness - an anxious wait - an ambulance arrives - fatal devastation...
At two-wheels-on-my-wagon.com
LONG CATEGORY, April 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2001 Winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
=
Here is a list highlighting the New Year's Resolutions you *will* sincerely be able to keep:
- Gain a little weight. At least 100 pounds.
- Procrastinate a lot more. Starting tomorrow.
- Don't date any of the beautiful Baywatch cast.
- Singlehandedly get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being a really superstitious paranoiac.
- Refuse to eat any genuinely cloned beefsteak.
- Watch extra TV. Yeah, I've missed some good stuff lately.
- Don't bring any lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Get on further into debt.
- Don't unthinkingly believe high-handed grey-haired pin-headed
politicians.
- Break at least 2 traffic laws daily.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Don't have nine children all at once.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Don't swim with piranhas or endangered sharks.
- Consider stopping exercising. Yeah, it's an extraordinary waste
of time.
- Haphazardly spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep
track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus painstakingly on the inherent faults of others.
- Don't ever, ever make New Year's Resolutions again.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Serengeti =
Green site.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
"Katherine" by Robert Louis Stevenson
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Rail safety =
Fairy tales.
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Simultaneous =
Mutual noises.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Muscovites =
Soviet scum.
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Stretching exercise =
Christ! Energetic sex!
SPAM CATEGORY, June 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
As seen on NBC, CBS, CNN, and even Oprah! The health discovery
that actually reverses aging while burning fat, without dieting
or exercise! This proven discovery has even been reported on by
the New England Journal of Medicine. Forget aging and dieting
forever! And it's Guaranteed!
Click here:
http://web.kuhleersparnis.ch/hgh/index.html
Would you like to lose weight while you sleep!
No dieting!
No hunger pains!
No Cravings!
No strenuous exercise!
Change your life forever!
100% GUARANTEED!
1. Body Fat Loss 82% improvement.
2. Wrinkle Reduction 61% improvement.
3. Energy Level 84% improvement.
4. Muscle Strength 88% improvement.
5. Sexual Potency 75% improvement.
6. Emotional Stability 67% improvement.
7. Memory 62% improvement.
=
New experimental system of male contraception!
Revealed on BBC Radio's programme Farming Today: "Instead
of recommending environmentally unfriendly methods of child prevention
(e.g. condoms), this inexpensive routine is very much better",
Government experts recently agreed.
1. Seek, hunt even, your goat, sheep or suckling pig.
2. Shave and clean him well.
3. Tether the belligerent, shivering, yet spotless beast around
your waist.
4. Manoeuvre begun, inch your lengthening, hardening penis into
the violent creature's ovine/porcine anus.
5. Invoke the Devil.
6. Experiment with your nude, hellish love slave. Cum and rejoice!
View: http://www.bbc.co.uk/farmingtoday/goat_sheep_pig.html
Ring: (028) 168756 or (028) 168774 for more!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
"Eagle" flips open antenna; transmits landmark signal from Moon to Earth.
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Board meeting =
More debating.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
George Best's liver transplant operation =
To preserve genial, notable sporting star.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
O Rose, thou art sick!
The invisible worm
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm,
Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy:
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.
=
William Blake's "The Sick Rose" offers the hint that
even in the young, most joyously attractive, blooms hidden horridness,
hidden sorcery within.
It's food for thought.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Doctor Harold Frederick Shipman =
Horror plan of sick medic - Dr. Death.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2002:
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Invictus,
by William Ernest Henley
GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
The petrol station =
Enter that oil-stop.
LONG CATEGORY, September 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Nunc Dimittis
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Alive =
La vie.
SPAM CATEGORY, October 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
URGENT NEWSFLASH
The government has installed BLACK BOXES into ISPs to watch your Internet surfing.
When you are targeted, the first you will know is the KNOCK AT YOUR DOOR and the JAIL SENTENCE.
If you think you have cleaned your computer - you are WRONG.
They can recover from your PC every single picture or item you have ever watched on the Internet.
You need protection. You need an Evidence Eliminator.
Click Here.
http://www.geocities.com/testee234/
=
Oi! Your mission, should you choose to accept it: to undertake my revenge!
We want you to take a wily peek into the unfortunately ugly, wicked, naive, weedy juvenile pervert's network-connected machine, execute the recovery of any genuinely revolting pornographic entertainment currently there, re-interrogate its cache for noteworthy "Hawaiian Eunuch-Boy" photos, then wreck the hard-drive.
This message will self-destruct in four seconds.
4... 3... 2... BOOM!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
The Archbishop of Canterbury =
Another church's type of Rabbi.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
The Long Category has been problematic for some time now, combining as it often does a number of shorter entries unsuccessfully competing against a few longer ones by the usual suspects. :) As such, I'd like to know what people think about possibly lowering the upper limit of Long from 1000 letters to something more modest, and shunting the longer ones directly into Special.
100 letters (with the option of going a bit over if necessary) should be a good boundary IMO. However, many of the current "short long" crop hover in the 40-60 letter region and might still be disadvantaged by any 80+ 'grams that appear. Hopefully this would be only a minor problem.
Another possibility that comes to mind is to alternate between upper limits, i.e. 100 one month and 1000 the next, with longer 'grams produced in a "short" month held over until the next competition (and vice versa). This would alleviate pressure on a fast-overcrowding Special category, but would create problems for the Grand Anagrammy.
The simplest solution would be to create an entire new category, "Medium" perhaps, but this is something we'd aim to avoid.
One last option also addresses the equivalent problem in Special, that short poems tend to be overwhelmed by the longer variety. Alternation would take place as described above but would involve short prose (limit 100) and short rhymes (limit c.150 in order to allow limericks, rubáiyát, good-sized nursery rhymes etc.). Most major genres of anagram would then be catered for without having to add more categories or cause major disruption to Grand Anagrammy voting.
[We could of course allow short prose and short poems to square off every month, but the former would most likely continue to be thrashed.]
Ideally whichever scheme is chosen should come into effect immediately, but if people prefer we can hold it off until either November or the new year.
What does everyone think?
=
Richard (and other intellectual folk who subscribe to this VoyForum)
Re: The problems with, and improvements to, our 'Long' category.
I don't particularly think I should be suggesting an even-handed solution to the problem as it stands, or attempt to come up with some sort of compromise to the schism. Faint hope :) However, I suppose I'm simply in agreement with David A. Green: "ultimately whatever is decided will be fine by me"
As a pointless example of the disparity currently evident, let me quote the two shortest ever 'long' winners (while noting that the longest ever winner contains over one thousand three hundred letters, developed by David Bourke):
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? =
So, can he pee on ice and both of gonads not turn blue?
(Richard Brodie)
New Jersey Division of Alcoholic Beverage Control =
So enjoy a cool beer while Driving. Not clever? Fiasco!
(Tom Myers)
The babbling, bumbling, half-baked monologue reply you're currently reading, should some witless fool decide to nominate it forthwith, would immediately go into the 'Special' category (since it contains 1506 letters), but there isn't too much that's special about it. No troublesome pentameter-verse rhyming scheme to adhere to; no grotesque homeomorphic restriction to prosaic octosyllabic words; no amazingly witty, frivolous post about naked sex with a variety of filthy farmyard animals; and only the merest hint of puerile humour.
Pre-supposing that there will be unopposed metamorphosis of this category, when should this new rule become valid? We should postpone it until after the New Year, so that the Grand Anagrammies are unaffected.
Moreover, why not introduce a few new awards?
Parallelograms
Thermograms
Portmanteau-grams
Telegrams
Mammograms
Spectrograms
Holograms
Adrian - Gobbledegook spokesperson (brilliant use of twenty-odd leftover letters!)
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
The UN Weapons Inspectors =
We search opponent's units.
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Child molester =
Old Mister Lech.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Chopping Carrots by Jack Cannon
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2002:
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus =
Hot Tip: Nurse's touch may cause critical illness.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Italian doctor Severino Antinori =
Revision on traditional creation.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2002:
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Anti-Terror Police =
Airline protector.
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