Anagrammy Placings by Tony Crafter in 2006
All the highly-placed anagrams by Tony Crafter from the 2006 Anagrammy Awards.
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Police cadet =
Delicate cop.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Hamas triumphs in Palestinian elections =
Oh man, this result is insane. Panic time, pal!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti =
Is a jailbird madman that disliked USA.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Southern Beirut =
Is burnt-out here.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Terror group Hamas wins at the Palestinian elections =
Astonishing news! Israel in complete uproar at threat.
LONG CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A paranormal researcher was giving a talk in the village hall and asked,
"Out of interest, does anyone here think they've seen a ghost?" About nine hands went up. "Remarkable!" He exclaimed. "OK then, I wonder, has anyone ever spoken to a ghost?" Four hands went up. "Heck!" said the surprised man . "Well, did anyone here ever make love to a ghost?"
One solitary hand shot up. "I did! I did!" cried an old farmer who was standing at the back of the hall.
"Wow! Incredible!" said the lecturer. "You really made love to a ghost! How?"
"A ghost...? Beg your pardon sir," said the farmer, "I'm afraid I misheard. I thought you said a goat!"
=
A union rep, checking on a farmer thought to have been underpaying his employees, was being introduced to the hands.
"This is young Clive," said the farmer, "he drives a hay-cart and gets two hundred dollars a week and a room and board. Clive's colleague Millie, here, keeps house and averages a hundred and sixty-eight dollars a week with a room and board."
"That's fair," said the rep; "OK, anyone else?"
"Yeah, the half-wit. He slogs seventy hours a week for a notional twelve dollars, with room and board."
"Aha!" said the union rep. "I'd like to speak to that man."
"You're talking to him right now," said the farmer.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Astronomical observations =
To scan a visible star or moon.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
German Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler =
Grim ruler of Fatherland, eh?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Southern Italy =
It enthrals you.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Twentieth Winter Olympic Games =
We meet top men in white Lycra tights!
LONG CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Isobel, the daughter of the house, got paralytically drunk on her eighteenth birthday and manservant Jeeves undressed her and put her to bed.
"Thank you Jeeves," said the contrite young lady next morning. "Um ...was I terribly tight?"
"Only the first two times madam," he replied.
=
When a grim Lady Legge fired Jenny, the housemaid, the irreverent girl couldn't resist a final parting shot.
"My Lady, your husband thinks I'm a better housekeeper than you, prettier and better to have decent sex with."
"Oh right, and my husband's told you that?"
"No, Jeeves told me!"
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2006:
eq.2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Eager lusting =
Genital urges.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Labour Party Prime Minister =
I'm that super Premier Tony Blair!
LONG CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The kids were lined up for lunch in the Catholic school's cafeteria. On the table was a largish pile of apples. The nuns had written a note and put it on the tray, saying:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further down the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a larger pile of chocolate chip cookies.
On the tray beside them, a kid had written:
"Take what you want. God is watching the apples."
=
A teacher was observing the children one afternoon as they painted pictures.
When she got to Cath, who was sat painting contentedly, she asked the affable little girl what her picture was of.
Cath replied deeply, "Oh, a picture of God."
"Aha, neat!" said the teacher, "But Cath, no one knows what God, er ... looks like."
Without looking up from the painting, the child said nonchalantly, "They will in a minute."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Dear Mr Viddik
I hate you. I hate you with a passion that has seethed for forty years, and unless I vent it, I'll erupt like a volcano.
You won't know me because I was one of the many little kids who passed through the torture chamber you called a classroom.
Yes Mr Viddik, you were my music teacher. But not any old teacher; you were an arrogant, sour, insensitive despot who single-handedly set back my musical appreciation by thirty years. Amazing!
Oh yes, you did demonstrate some classical stuff to us, but made no attempt to convey the passion, joy or genius that went into it, for you had none of these attributes yourself.
You made my musical appreciation a personal nightmare, and subjected me to the most humiliating experience of my life because I couldn't tell a crotchet from a quaver. In front of all my classmates, you beat a rhythm on my head with a blackboard eraser and, while great clouds of chalk-dust rained down past my tear-filled eyes, you shouted: "Tell me boy, what's going through that head now? Crotchets or quavers?"
The tragedy is, Mr Viddik, I do have an affinity for music. It can tear at my soul; it can lift my heart. I only have to hear something from 'Les Miserables' and I'm in tears. If I hear 'Night Fever' I'm up on the floor disco-dancing like a man inspired. But the classics leave me cold because they remind me of you.
Tragically, it is too late to redress this deficiency; it would take a lifetime to regain the knowledge and passion needed - and I hate you for that, Mr Viddik.
Are you wondering how I found your address? Easy: I looked in the phone directory and there you were. I didn't know if you'd still be alive because God knows you must be older than Methuselah, but I phoned the number and some nice old dear confirmed that yes, you had taught at my old school, and did I wish to speak to you? I said no - well, you can express hate so much better in a letter. And that's what I've done, and I feel great for having done it, so put that in your Wincarnis tonic-wine and drink it you swine.
Sincerely,
A. Crafter.
=
Dear Crafter,
Infernal cheek! I don't drink Wincarnis; I am a whisky man through and through. And why you expect me to remember you, I can't imagine - all you kids were snotty-nosed little brats, and what's more, most of you felt the edge of that blackboard eraser on your tatty, oily little skulls.
My teaching methods were tried and proven year by year, and if you didn't learn from them, that's your own daft fault. How dare you call me insensitive? May God strike me dead if I ever displayed one jot of insensitivity towards any of my
Dear Mr Crafter,
As you can see from the enclosed letter, my husband received your communication, but was unable to complete a reply.
He showed me your letter before going into the lounge to give a piano lesson to Chico, a Brazilian music student. He instructed me to pour him a stiff Scotch and to leave it on his desk so that he could drink it whilst doing a reply to you. As was his custom, he had some particularly caustic comments to relay to you.
The reason he didn't finish it is because I found him slumped over his bureau, pen in hand, as dead as a dodo.
Do not blame yourself Mr Crafter; he was all the things you described him as. I should know, I spent a lifetime's association with the loathsome masochist. My friend, yours wasn't the only volcano to erupt ...
That remark, although symbolic, about putting your hatred into his Wincarnis tonic-wine, gave me an idea. He loved his daily whisky, and that proved to be his undoing, for the pungency of the whisky disguised the taste of the paraquat.
I know I can rely upon you to destroy this letter (after all, we are kindred souls are we not?) In any case, I'll be out of the country when you receive it. I intend to take up residence in Ipanema and to lead a life of unbridled debauchery with my attractive young paramour Chico who, I am delighted to say, has achieved a quite remarkable degree of manual dexterity as a result of my deceased husband's lessons.
My! My! At least he left one decent legacy!
Adios amigo!
A joyous,
Victoria Anita Viddik
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Under each Scotsman's kilt ~
the clan's scrotum is naked!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Rolling Stones perform a gig in China =
Oriental spot for rich, aging Englishmen.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Yes, Las Vegas has many varieties of gambling ideas, like, dice, roulette wheels, slot machines and, er, wedding chapels.=
Alf married Melissa in Vegas. He decided that, being deep in successive losing streaks, he may as well go on all the way!
LONG CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through Mass, the missus leans over to her husband and says, "Oh my goodness, Wesley, I've just done two silent farts, what do you think I should do?"
He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
=
An old couple are in a grannie- home.
He says, "Can you guess how old I am?"
"Sure," she ventures, "but first I just need to grab your balls."
With that, she delves down in his pants, has a clutch and says, "Eighty-five."
"Darn! How d'you know that?" he roars.
"You told me yesterday."
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Straining to fart =
It is not fragrant.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My real vision? Beating the Germans! =
Every Englishman's great ambition.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Motion picture: 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest' =
We've electroshock option on menu to cure fits.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Footballing star Ronaldinho =
Brilliant on goal, and so forth.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Disney Theme Park Resorts, Florida =
Kids, parents, mostly here for a ride.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.1st - Tony Crafter with:
Miss Keira Knightley to be The New Face of Chanel's ‘Coco Mademoiselle’=
Nice, gentle, wholesome choice. Man, I bet Kate Moss is really hacked off!
LONG CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
After having their ninth child, a Brummy couple decide it's enough as they can't afford a larger bed. So the husband goes to his doctor and says that he and his wife don't want to have any more children.
The doctor tells him there is a procedure called a vasectomy that will usually solve the problem yet it is very expensive.
"A less costly alternative is to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it to the ear and count to ten."
The Brummy says, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can held against my ear is going to sort me out."
"Yes, it seems iffy, but trust me, it will do the job", says the GP.
So the man dashes off home, lights a banger and puts it in a beer can. Then he holds the can next to his ear and begins to count: "One, two, three, four, five..." at which point he pauses and puts the beer can between his legs so he can carry on counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works very well in Liverpool, Manchester, Essex and anywhere in Wales
=
A married couple are motoring along at a controlled thirty miles per hour, the wife at the wheel.
Then her husband blurts out, "I realise we've been married twenty years, but ...I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, but gradually increases her speed to forty mph.
The husband continues. "I'm having a fling with your best friend, because the sex is a hell of a lot better than any stagnant congress with you. Don't attempt to oppose me or to change my mind."
Still she remains silent. And the speed goes up to fifty.
Bolder now, he decides to push his luck. "I want the house too."
Sixty mph.
"And the car," he continues.
Sixty-five mph.
"And I'll have the rest too - bank accounts, credit cards, and the boat."
The car, racing on, strays towards a concrete bridge.
This gets him nervous, and he asks: "So, isn't there anything you need?"
The wife replies in a calm, controlled voice.
"No, Bob, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he snorts, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall, the wife shoots a glance at him and smiles; "The airbag."
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.2nd - Tony Crafter with:
He: "Do you spit, or swallow?"
She: "Neither, man ...I gargle." =
Oral option how a girl deals with guy's semen here!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Milton's 'Paradise Regained'=
Serial poem deriding Satan.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
England's Manchester International Airport =
It costs an arm and leg on an internal trip here.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Motion picture "The Da Vinci Code"'s mauled by negative critics =
Intrepid, comic-cut academics investigate body in The Louvre.
LONG CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man came home from work, plopped himself down on his favorite couch, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,
"Hurry up! Bring me a cold beer before it starts".
She looked a little surprised, but got him a cold beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Come on, bring me another. It's going to start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Another beer NOW, before it starts."
The wife blew her top, "That’s it! You bastard! You come
in here, crash your fat, pig's ass down, don't even say
anything to me and then expect me to run around like your
pub-slave. Haven't you noticed that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?"
The husband groaned. "Oh hell, it's started.
=
I have been the victim of a hellish robbery while shopping and it could happen to you.
Two glamorous young women came over to the car when I was putting the goods in and began to clean the windscreen, their lush, alluring breasts bobbling about in their T-shirts. When I offered them a tip, they said no, but asked for a ride to another supermarket.
I agreed and they got in the back, but soon started kissing and having amorous sex with each other. Then one of them climbed over into the front and (horror!) performed fellatio on me! Hell, I was so distracted I did not see the other one rob my wallet.
This shameful scam took place on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday - BE WARNED!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Asterisks and Ampersands
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The animal psychologist =
"That pig is so melancholy".
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2006:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Zinedine Zidane gets a red card in the World Cup Final =
Italians win, French cried, and legend Zizou departed.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud =
Anguish? That's purely a dream's dysfunction.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong =
Note an immortal phrase, spoken after gallant men's first moon-landing
LONG CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A middle-aged couple had two very beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son, so they decided they'd try one more time for the son they'd always wanted.
Then the wife got pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The happy father rushed to the hospital to see his new young son and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever set eyes on.
"There is no way I can be the father of this child. No sir!" he exclaimed. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I've fathered! Rosanne, have you been fooling around behind my back?"
His wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
=
A married man had been having a wild affair with his pretty secretary.
One day they went to her house and made love all afternoon. Satiated, they fell asleep, but didn't wake till eight that night.
The man hurriedly dressed, then told his lover to take both his shoes outside and rub them in the dirty, wet grass. Then he put them on and set off home.
"Hey, where have you been?" said his tetchy wife.
"Oh, I won't lie to you," he replied po-faced. "Because, fact is, I've been to bed with my secretary and we had debauched sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bugger! You've been out playing golf!"
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Rude searching of prostate =
A doctor's finger up the arse.
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The magician =
Am I cheating?
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Kylie Minogue's set to continue her 'Showgirl' tour =
"I'm OK!" Stoic, gutsy heroine is well enough to return!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The sculptor and painter Michelangelo =
Eminent chapel-decorator's up all night!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The motion picture epic 'Ben Hur', starring Charlton Heston =
Noble, upright screen-hero triumphant in chariot contest!
LONG CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife went to a hospital to have their baby delivered.
As they entered, the doctor said there was a new machine that could transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pains to the father, and asked if they were willing to try it out. They were very much in favour.
The doctor initially set the pain-transfer exchange meter to ten percent, saying that was possibly more pain than any father would normally experience.
As the labour proceeded, the husband remained fine, and he asked the doctor to go ahead and knock it up some more notches, so the doctor cranked the machine up to a twenty percent pain transfer.
The husband still felt fine, so the doctor took the man's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
"Mamma mia! Remarkable!" he said, and at this point they decided to go for a massive fifty percent. And yet still the husband continued to feel quite well. So, as the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the man encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
As a result, she delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all. She and her husband were elated.
When they returned home they found the milkman lying dead on the doorstep.
=
An innocent young chap moved into his new apartment, and went to the lobby to attach his plastic nameplate to the mailbox.
While he was there, an attractive blonde appeared from the next apartment, wearing a thin chiffon robe.
The lad nodded politely to her and she started up a conversation. As they chatted, her robe slipped open, and it was very evident that she had nothing on underneath.
He broke into a sweat and, terrified, tried to maintain eye contact with her.
After a while, she placed her hand on his wrist and said, "Let's go to my place, I can hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door behind her and then leaned against it, letting her robe fall off. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you pick as my best feature?"
Flustered and confused, he finally squeaked, "Well, effectively, it's got to be your ears."
Amazed, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these perfect, full breasts; they're a hundred percent natural. I work out lots every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin ... perfect! I have no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stuttered ... "Earlier, when you said you heard someone coming ... that was me."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
MANDALAY
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Australian model Elle 'The Body' Macpherson =
Tall, shapely, blonde cutie. Ah, most men adore her!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Historical motion pictures: Ben Hur, El Cid, The Agony And The Ecstasy, The Ten Commandments, Khartoum =
In them, hero Charlton 'Chuck' Heston's cast as a tormented guy in period costume hated by militant men!
LONG CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a girl asked her man "Will you marry me?" The chap said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and she went shopping, drank martinis, went clubbing, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed thin and farted just whenever she wanted to.
THE END
=
As a blonde was driving home, her phone suddenly rang. It was her panicky boyfriend, who said he'd heard tell on TV that this maniac in a car was travelling the wrong way up a motorway. "Please take care, Cath!" the man pleaded fervently, and she replied, "It's not just one nut! There's, like, HUNDREDS of them!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE TIMELESS WIT OF GROUCHO MARX
"Remember, guys, that we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."
"I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."
"Once I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."
"Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."
"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A woman's an occasional pleasure, but a cigar's always a smoke."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"Time wounds all heels."
"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Getting older's no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Anyone who doesn't like this book is healthy."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for a divorce, and so will my wife."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes?"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
=
THE INIMITABLE GENIUS OF PETER KAY
Some good homespun philosophies and jollification from the audacious Bolton comic's vivid imagination. Justifiably named 'Britain's Comedians' Comedian', his monologues comprise homely axioms based on boyhood memories, imaginative observation and life in general.
Come, enjoy a gleaming choice of some of his amusing 'bijoux'!
"You've become your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with."
"Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?"
"You can't respect a man who carries a dog."
"Why does mineral water which has tRick Rothsteinled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?"
"Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll just pull those dangly things and I'll drink whatever comes out'?"
"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."
"Every man has at some time while taking a pee, flushed half way through then raced against the flush."
"Reading when you're drunk is horrible."
"When rummaging in an overgrown garden, you always come across a bouncy ball."
"Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel really manly."
"You never know where to look while eating a banana."
"Old ladies can eat more than you think."
"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."
"Sex is just like a game of bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand."
"You know that look women sometimes get when they want sex? Me neither."
"If someone says there are millions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, why do you need to touch it to be sure?"
"We all remember the day a dog ran into our school."
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles but my wife won't go swimming."
"If a person owns a bit of land, do they own it right down to the earth's core?"
"Some days you see lots of individuals on crutches."
"Old ladies with mobile phones look wrong!"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Disneyland Resort at Anaheim, California =
Children’s hearts at one in a fairy-tale domain.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Islamic Fundamentalism =
Muslim fanatic's mad line.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice." =
Call me a cynic, but I dispute this. In my eyes, the know-nothings, or show-offs, have the loudest voices. Sad, is it not?
LONG CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An undertaker was working alone late one night.
He laid out the body of Mr. Lunge for its cremation, and made a startling discovery. Lunge had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"Sorry Mr. Lunge ," the mortician sighed, "but I just cannot allow you to be cremated with such an incredible private part. It has to be saved for posterity."
So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"Honey, I've something to show you that you will not believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"Good Heavens" the wife yelled, "Lunge is dead!"
=
A cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral. A massive heart, covered in beautiful flowers, stood in view behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart eerily opened up and the casket moved inside. The big heart then closed up, sealing the doctor's body forever inside its ideal home.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into impolite laughter. When everyone stared at him, he said, "Oh boy! ... I am sorry, but I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynaecologist!"
That's when the proctologist fainted.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
If Tomorrow Never Comes
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The nostalgic 'As Time Goes By' =
Ah, Bogey elects Sam to sing it!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Evander 'The Real Deal' Holyfield and Mike Tyson =
A lethal-handed evil-one kind of restyled my ear!
LONG CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A young man called Chuck invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Chuck's flatmate, Simon, was. She'd long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, whilst watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there really was more between Chuck and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mother's thoughts, Chuck volunteered, "Yes, I know what you're thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates."
About a week later, Simon said to Chuck, "Ever since your mother came, I haven't been able to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure," said Chuck. So he mailed:
DEAR MOTHER, I AM NOT SAYING YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I AM NOT SAYING YOU "DIDN'T", YET THE FACT REMAINS, IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE CHUCK.
Some days later, an email came from his mother, which said:
DEAR SON, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT", YET THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE'D HAVE FOUND THAT FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM.
Lesson of the day:
DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE'LL ALWAYS FIND OUT)
=
With only Clingfilm shorts on, the man went to his shrink, who said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. I think a strong currant drew him in.
Telephone answer-machine: "... If you want to buy marijuana, push the hash key now ..."
A man came round in hospital after an accident. "I can't feel my legs!" he shouted.
"No, I know that," replied the surgeon, "I've cut both your arms off".
A man went to the doc with a strawberry birthmark on his bum. The doc said, "Fine, I'll give you some cream to put on that."
"Doc, I can't stop humming 'The Green Green Grass of Home'. Eerie, huh"
"No, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Uh? Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed," he said, "Can you do anything for him?"
"Let me have a look at him then," said the vet. He picked the dog up and tested his eyes, then teeth. Finally, the vet said, "I'll have to put him down."
"What, because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's effin' heavy"
I was getting in my car, and a bloke said, "Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure - It's summer! Be uninhibited! You look fine! The world's your oyster! Go for it!'
A man walked into the docs. "I've hurt my arm in several places," he said.
"Then don't go there any more," huffed the doc.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maggie May
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An adolescent =
Note lad's acne!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A Christmas Carol. The story by Charles Dickens =
Boss-character lacks charity, then? Miserly sod!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The President of Russia =
Sheer disaster of Putin!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Seattle Airport =
A pilot's retreat.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Are 'conspiracy theories' on Princess Diana's death true? =
'No, as she perished in a routine car accident,' says report.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ONIONS AND XMAS TREES
The family are sitting at the meal table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
Father, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, Chuck, there are 3 kinds of breasts.
In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like ripe melons; lush, firm and well-rounded.
In her 30's and 40's they are like pears: still nice, although hanging a bit.
After her 50's, they are like, well ... onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
=
These inane remarks annoy his wife and daughter, so the daughter asks, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
Her mother smiles serenely and answers, "Well Penny, a man goes through 3 key phases.
In his 20's, his willy's like a fine oak tree; knotty, noble and so hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it's a serene birch; lean, flexible, but usable
After 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HAPPY XMAS (WAR IS OVER)
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