Anagrammy Placings by Tony Crafter in 2007
All the highly-placed anagrams by Tony Crafter from the 2007 Anagrammy Awards.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Oliver Twist'. The novel by Charles Dickens =
Scrawny bloke sent child to thieve silver!
LONG CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE IRISH CHRISTENING
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident and fell into a deep coma.
After being stuck in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now; however they were poorly at birth and needed to be christened immediately. But luckily, your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, not Paddy ... he's a clueless idiot. Anticipating the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well then, what is my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The mother is very relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about Paddy ... I do like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew"
=
A HOLY CROSSNESS!
Seamus asked Pat how he got his terrible black eye.
"Begorra, ye'll never believe this," said Pat, "but, I confess, I got it in church."
Pat said he'd been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for hymns he noticed her dress was creased into the centre of her bum-cheeks.
"So I leant forward to pull it out and she turned and hit me!"
Some days later, Seamus was surprised to see an embarrassed Pat sporting yet another nasty black eye.
"I got it in church again," he began to explain. "Strangely, I was behind this same woman; the fat one. Anyway, when we stood for the hymns I saw her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum. Then my little nephew Jimmy reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew the snooty cow didn't like that, so I leaned over and pushed it right back in again!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS
Subject: SOME NEW-YEAR TIPS!!
Hi Friends!
You HAVE to read this and pass it on! I am already carrying out No.3!
(1) Telemarketers:
Say 3 words: "Hold on please..."
Do this, put down your phone and walk off (instead of hanging-up), and it will make each call so long that boiler-room sales will grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone-company's "beep-beep" tone, go back and hang up your handset, as it has now efficiently completed its task. These 3 words will help eliminate phone-soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls where no one is there? This is a telemarketing technique! A machine makes calls and records the time of day a person answers. This is used to ascertain the best time for a "real" salesman to call back and find someone in. If ever you get a silent call, hit your hash button rapidly, 6 or 7 times. This confuses the mechanical caller and kicks your number from its system!
(3) Junk Mail:
When you get "ads" enclosed with utility bills, return the "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you receive those "pre-approved" letters for credit cards and loans, do not discard the "return" envelope, as most of these are "postage-paid". It costs them more than the regular 24p postage, BUT ONLY IF THEY RECEIVE THEM BACK. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! Postage was 29p before our last increase. So, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes? For example; send an ad for a local chimney cleaner to American Express, or a pizza voucher to Citibank. If you got nothing else that day, then send their blank application back! If you want it to be anonymous, don't put your name on anything you return. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to keep them guessing! It is still costing them 24p; and every 24p mounts up!
Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but we need to OVERWHELM them with 1,000s! Let THEM see what it's like to get loads of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
The Royal Mail also stuffs local adverts through your mailbox. I put them back in their own Post Boxes. Good fun, eh?!
Let's keep our postal service busy since they say e-mails cut into their profits, which means they have to increase costs again.
If enough people follow these tips, they'll work!
THIS COULD BE ONE E-MAIL YOU "WILL" WANT TO FORWARD TO 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS!
=
e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS
Subject: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Hello Merrymakers!
Now that the New Year is upon us, I'd just like to extend my thanks and appreciation to all of you who've thoughtfully taken the time and trouble to send me those well-chosen "Forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you all for making me feel so safe, happy, blessed and healthy. My added thanks to the people who sent me the e-mail about rats' crap in the glue on envelopes, as I now have to go get a wet towel every time I seal my envelopes. Also, I love Dr Peppers yet, just because of your concern, I must scrub the top of every single can I open just in case the shopkeeper had some dry piddle (or worse!) on his hands.
I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know that it can remove toilet stains, which isn't a particularly appealing characteristic. Not to mention the zippy fact that it eats-away a T-Bone steak in about 3 days! Furthermore, I no longer check the coin returns on pay phones because my finger could be pricked with an infected needle-tip that may be riddled with AIDS. I don't use deodorants just in case they cause cancers, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I don't go to shopping centres because some psycho might drug me with a cologne sample, nor do I eat KFCs because their "chickens" are actually terrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer worry about my soul because at the last count, I had 36,324 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I've learned that God will only answer my prayers if I forward these e-mails to twenty of my friends and make a wish within thirty minutes. I no longer have any savings because I just gave them all to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die horribly in some third-world hospital (for the 372,294th time).
In fact, I no longer possess any money at all - but that will change once I receive the phenomenal sums that Microsoft and AOL are quickly sending me for participating in their special online e-mail-system program.
Yes, I want to express my thanks to you all so much for doggedly looking out for me that I will now return the favour!
If you don't send this e-mail off to at least 124,000 people in the next twenty minutes, a huge donkey with teeth like razor blades will promptly turn up and rip your privates clean off at 5PM this afternoon. I know this will happen because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's sister's dog.
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2007:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The American burlesque performer Dita Von Teese =
Termed 'Queen of strip'. Man, I love her cute, bare arse!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, to have a hysterectomy =
Charles? He formally cancels vasectomy without ado!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
There is no great genius without some touch of madness =
In neurosis, admit we see much greatness of thought too
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Passionate Shepherd to His Love
by
Christopher Marlowe
Come live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dale and field,
And all the craggy mountains yield. =
Dear Miss Capulet
Brave damsel I shall leave thee ne'er,
And will speed to thy shy balcony tonight,
When my love I shall as new declare;
PS: It'll help if thou provideth a ladder and a light!
My Love,
Swain Romeo
LONG CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly Welshman is lying on his deathbed. Eyes closed, he can feel the end is not very far away, when he notices the most wonderful aroma.
He realises that his loving wife of nearly sixty years is baking his favourite Welsh cakes.
He manages to muster up enough energy to drag himself out of bed and crawl very weakly to the kitchen.
As his frail, withered hand reaches up to the cake-table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon, as his wife barks, "Fuck off, they're for the funeral!"
=
Following fertility treatment, an eighty-odd-year old woman has a baby daughter.
When she comes home, six of her wrinkled pals suddenly turn up drooling, "Gosh! Can we have a look at the baby?"
"No - later!" she huffs. "Have some coffees first."
Coffees finished, they ask, "Can we see her?"
"Later, have some cakes."
After cakes the friends all ask, "Can we see her?"
"Later."
"Why do you keep saying 'later'?" they ask, offended by her unwillingness.
"I have to wait until she cries?"
"Huh? Why?"
"So I can find out where I left her!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
MULL OF KINTYRE
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Has homosexual tendencies =
He does men's anal exits? Ouch!
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A McDonald's quarter-pounder with cheese and fries =
I squander our planet and decimate fresh cow herds.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
British marines captured at sea =
Ire as Iran's pirates abduct them
LONG CATEGORY, March 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Our flight was being served by a gay flight attendant who seemed keen to get everyone in a good mood as he served us our food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to land, he came swishing down the aisle and said, "Captain Harvey has asked me to tell you all that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so, lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, then that will be super".
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed Arabic- looking woman had not moved a muscle. "Oh, perhaps you didn't hear me over those big engines," he said, " but I asked you to raise your traysy-poos, so the main man can pitty-pat us to the ground."
The woman calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. And I take orders from no one!"
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I am called a Queen. So I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"
=
A mother was taking her child around a supermarket, and all the way round the aisles, the fractious toddler was screaming abuse and making a din.
"Ok, only two more aisles to go, Polly," said the mother.
As they continued, the child still screamed and fussed, but the woman said, "It's ok Polly, don't get stressed, only one more aisle to go before checkout!"
Even in the checkout queue the precocious infant still ranted and stamped her feet. "Ok, Polly, nearly finished!" said the parent, "Just have to pay the bill, and you can go home and have a nice rest."
The bill paid, they were about to leave when another lady-shopper came up and said. "Can I say how impressed I was with the capable and inspiring way you kept encouraging your daughter Polly, even though she was obviously giving you a pretty bad time."
"No, you don't understand," said the mother, "my daughter's name isn't Polly, it's Barbara ... I'M Polly!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
That's Amore
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin =
Heavy insobriety kills icon?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion =
Home of shapely-bunny sharing!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Spring is passing by
Birds weep, and even the eyes
Of fish are tearful
=
Vestiges of Spring
Shy new life appears and ends
Her beauty is brief
LONG CATEGORY, April 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, his wife fell ill and passed away.
The local undertaker told the husband, "You can get her body shipped home for £12,450, or you can bury it right here for an inexpensive£367."
The man considered it for a moment and told him he'd have her sent home.
The undertaker exclaimed, "Why would you want to go and spend extra to ship your wife home? It would be so fitting to be buried in this great Holy Land and it will only cost you £367."
The man replied, "Well, a long time ago a guy died and was buried here. Three days later he was rising from the dead. Man, I just cannot take that chance!"
=
Chuck, a typical woodenhead macho man, had just married a very good-looking lady, and after the wedding he laid down the following 7 rules for her:
"I shall come home: 1. When I want. 2. If I want. 3. At what time I want. 4. I do not expect any hassle from you. 5. I expect dinner to be ready on the table unless I tell you otherwise. 6. I shall go off hunting, drinking and card-playing with my buddies when I feel the need to, and 7. Don't you dare - repeat, DARE - give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules and procedures. Any comments?"
His new wife replied, "No, that's agreeable, but just understand that I shall be having sex here at 6.30 every night ... whether you're home or not!"
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Same-sex relationship =
I am expert in assholes!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know. (US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld)"
=
"What-ho, Blair! Ok?"
"Who's there?"
"War-Winner!"
"George! Ok!"
"Found any lawless nukes yet?"
"We went downtown at the weekend - found nowt."
"No nuke deterrents?"
"No."
"Underground rockets? Networks?"
"No."
"Frankenstein's monster?"
"Te he!"
"Wanna kick ass then?"
"What ... war? Wow! When?"
"The tenth?"
"Ok!"
"Thanks."
LONG CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An Englishman, Reg, was out walking with a Frenchman and Welshman, when he found a lantern. He rubbed it, and out popped a genie!
"I'll give you each one wish," said the genie.
Dai said, "I'm a farmer and I want the land to be fertile in Wales."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM'! - the Welsh land was forever made fertile.
Pierre said, "I want a wall round France so that no one can come into our precious country. With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM' ! - a huge wall appeared round France.
Reg asked, "I'm very curious, tell me more about this wall."
The genie explained, "It is about two hundred metres high, forty metres thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman said, "Okay. Fill it up with water".
=
Vladimir Putin, George Bush and Tony Blair were strolling along the beach together after a Heads of Power meeting, when they came across a green bottle washed up on the sand. The men picked it up and opened it, and out flew a genie!
"I am free! I am free!" cried the genie, "And, in return, I shall grant each of you a wish."
Putin sniffed, "A wish? Well, I have one main wish; I would like you to drop a giant nuclear bomb on infernal America."
"Warfare! Oh man, wild!" exclaimed Bush. "In that case, I want the same. I would like you to drop a giant nuclear bomb on infernal Russia."
"And what would you like, Tony?" asked the genie.
"What? Oh ...I'm still thinking," he answered. "Serve the other two gentlemen first."
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Chemical castration of paedophiles =
It can help calm desire of a sociopath.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Lewis Hamilton =
Me? I won all this?
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The late Diana, The Princess of Wales - those pictures of her last moments. =
Let news-editors accept that photos of her final minutes are shameless.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
America
by Samuel F. Smith
My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!
=
The Divide
Prince Charles
God bless my noble mum,
Defend my tender mum, long may she rule;
I'm far too daft to reign,
It is a royal pain,
I'd rather settle free of strife
With my fine, shy wife!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. Afterwards, the ladies went into the kitchen and Bob, one of the men, said, "We tried an excellent restaurant last night, I would recommend it."
"What is the name?" said the other man.
Bob thought deeply and said, "Just a minute ... what's that flower you give a girl? ... it's red and, um, thorny."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it," he replied, then turned to the kitchen and called, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we visited last night?"
=
The couple in the well-lit restaurant had eaten dinner and the waiter was attentively pouring them a third glass of white wine. As he tilted their bottle, he noticed the gentleman suddenly slide off his chair and disappear.
So, not wanting to attract undue attention, the waiter remarked conversationally to the lady, "Excuse me madam, it seems your husband is under the table."
"Oh, no he's not," retorted the ashen-faced woman. "My husband has just walked through the door!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Candle in the Wind
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man-eating lion =
One giant animal!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Oscar Wilde's novel The Picture of Dorian Gray ~
showed a very old caricature reposing in loft!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor =
Lost, abnormal Prince with the huge protruding ears!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore, at Florence =
Fine Italian cathedral. I so adore its marble face.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Chariots of the Gods?: Unsolved Mysteries of the Past' by Erich Von Daniken =
This buffoon thinks modern-style space voyagers once visited Earth? Doh!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
As the man left court in his invalid-chair with his million-pound compensation award, the two insurance detectives stalked him down the road.
"You won't get away with this fraud," they hissed. "We shall be watching you for the rest of your life."
"That's no problem," he replied. "Watch all you like. You can watch as I go on my world trip and you can watch me go to Lourdes and then you can watch as, before your eyes, one hell of a miracle happens."
=
Paddy O'Neal came through the customs area at Shannon Airport in a fancy Hawaiian shirt, clutching at two large bottles.
"Whoa now! What have we here?" said a suspicious officer.
"Why, 'tis Lourdes holy water I've brought on home with me," Paddy announced innocently.
The officer eyed him cynically, took one of the bottles and swallowed a mouthful. "Ow! It's neat Irish whisky!" he spluttered.
"Well, upon my soul!" cried Paddy. "Another miracle!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An Irish Airman Forsees His Death
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Underwear-stain? =
Answer, "Urinated."
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The late Princess Diana's memorial service =
A horse merits a presence - Camilla's invited!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"Oh, why did you make woman so beautiful?" the man says to God.
God says, "So you would love her." =
"Ay true," the man says, "but God, why did you make a woman so foolish?"
God: "So she would love you."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
=
Eloquent tutors told me a tale;
Seventeen beautiful virgins waited in Heaven,
So I crashed the plane on a city;
Died for The Dream.
The truth?
Hell.
That Dream was a lie.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A seven-year old boy and his four-year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom talking. "You know what?" said the older child, "I think it's about time that we started swearing."
The four-year old tot smiled, rascal-like, and nodded his head in approval.
"Right then, when we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, and then you can swear right after me, ok?"
"Ok!" agreed the little four-year old enthusiastically.
Downstairs, when the two kids were at their seats, the mother came into the kitchen and asked the seven-year old son what he wanted to have for breakfast.
"Why, shit mom, I guess I'll have some of those Coco Pops," he said.
WHACK!! came the immediate response. The lad instantly flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, then got up and dashed upstairs to his room crying his eyes out.
The mother looked at the four-year old child and said to him in her sternest voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast then, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbered, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
=
Bored young Rick was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything to egg him on and, as a last resort, sent him to a Catholic school.
On the first day, Rick came home with a very serious look on his face and went straight off to his room.
Later, the mom went up and was shocked to see books spread about everywhere and Rick hard at work!
Later, Rick came down for a meal, but as soon as he'd eaten, went back and studied even harder than before. This went on every day while his folks tried to figure what'd made the difference.
Finally, Rick brought home a report card, laid it on the table and went off to study. His mom looked at it with trepidation, but to her surprise he'd got an 'A' for maths! Unable to stem her curiosity, she went up to his room and asked, "What was it? The nuns?"
He shook his head.
"Was it the books, the discipline, the structure? Tell me, please."
The boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign; I knew they weren't fooling around."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Memphis Tennessee
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2007:
Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Luciano Pavarotti's 'Nessun Dorma' =
A rotund Latin man's voice soars up
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The late Princess Diana's Memorial Service =
Camilla's secret pain - "She is revered. I am not."
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Luciano Pavarotti =
Ciao to an ultra-VIP.
LONG CATEGORY, September 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Dear Miriam,
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband Cliff alone watching TV as usual.
I'd only travelled about two-hundred -and- twenty metres when the engine spluttered and the car chugged to a stop. I scuttled back to get my husband's help, but when I got home I found Cliff posing in front of the bedroom mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heeled shoes, and wearing my make up.
After I confronted Cliff, he said he'd put on my lingerie because he couldn't find any of his own underwear. But when I asked about the make up he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for ages. I told him it has to stop, or I will leave him.
He lost his job recently and says he's been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love Cliff very much, but since the ultimatum he's become distant and I can't get through to him any more.
Please can you help?
Mrs B, Essex
=
Miriam says ...
Dear Mrs B, Essex
Sudden stalling of cars after being driven short distances can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there's no muddy sediment showing in the fuel line. If you don't find any showing, check that the jubilee clips which hold the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold are tight.
If none of these approaches highlights the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is somehow faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
As an added rule, Mrs B, do remember to keep an eye on the fuel gauge daily, as, when the level gets low, unhealthy muck in the bottom of the tank can be disturbed and rehashed and there's a likelihood your engine may get mudded up.
I recommend: 'www.twohundredmotordriving-hintsforwomen.com' as a handy web address. (And download: 'Friendly Engine Info For Women').
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
As Time Goes By
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A life support machine =
Can pump if I lose heart.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Doris Lessing has won the Nobel Prize for Literature =
Top writer of best-sellers realized a shining honour.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The late Diana, Princess of Wales and Dodi Al-Fayed =
Lady and a fellow's end; fated to die in a Paris chase.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals =
A totally free charity - they monitor violence on pets for us.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
One
Small,
Precise,
Poetic,
Spiraling mixture:
Math plus poetry yields the Fib.
=
PROSE:
Pen
This
Purest
Example
Of arithmetic
Yielding multi-syllabic prose
LONG CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Council tax evaluators want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.
A local shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army, but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
Honestly, who'd live near Windsor Castle?
=
One hot August day, Prince Charles visited Carshalton Beeches - a suburb of London - to open an organic-sausage factory. On arrival, he looked very suave rigged out in full summer naval uniform, except ... he also wore an enormous, comical fur hat!
During a supervised tour of the site, he struggled manfully in the hot confines to both converse with and offer encouragement to the employees.
Later, the factory owner thanked him for attending. Then, with a perplexed expression, he observed, "I hope you won't mind me asking Sir, but it's very warm with our generators blasting out heat, and you are wearing ... a fur hat?"
"Well, it's by royal command!" retorted the Prince. "I phoned Mummy last night and she asked what I was doing today. When I told her I was going to visit a business premises in Carshalton Beeches, she said, "Carshalton Beeches? Wear the fox hat?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous, petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The girl notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?Ó
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new. Let me explain. We have a rule here that if you get an erection; it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a big towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the camp's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, very-hairy man lumbers out of the steam room towards him, "Did you call for me?" says the man.
"No, what do you mean?" replies the newcomer.
You must be new," says the man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge, very-hairy man spins him round, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "How may I help?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the five-hundred-pounds membership payment."
But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You've not had a proper chance to view all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm seventy-two years old. I only get an erection once every month. But I fart thirteen times a day!"
=
Two old men, Mitch and Humphrey, have been friends all their lives. When it becomes clear that Humphrey is dying, Mitch visits the sick man's house every day.
One afternoon Mitch says, "Humphrey, we have each been keen soccer fans all our lives, and we played in the same team for many years. Please do me one favour; when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there is soccer there."
Humphrey looks up from his death-bed. "Mitch, you've been a dear friend for many, many years; if it is possible, I shall do that for you." Shortly after, Humphrey passes away.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mitch is awakened from a deep sleep by a flash of ethereal light and an eerie voice calling out to him, "Mitch ... Mitch."
"Who is it?" he asks, sitting up suddenly.
"Me ... Humphrey."
"Oh no it isn't! You're an imitation - Humphrey just died."
"I am telling you, I'm no imitation; it is me, Humphrey!" insists the lone voice."
"Humphrey! Oh, man! It IS you! Where are you?"
"I am in heaven!" replies Humphrey. "And I have some really good news to announce ... also some bad news."
"Okay, tell me the good news first," says Mitch.
"The good news," announces Humphrey, "is that there is soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we are all young men again. Better still, it's always springtime and it doesn't rain or snow. And best of all, we can play soccer all the time because we never get tired."
"Hooray! That's excellent!" exclaims Mitch; "Beyond my wildest dreams! So, what is the bad news?"
"You're playing next Tuesday."
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Lace knickers =
Sleek in crack.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Nigella Lucy Lawson - 'The Domestic Goddess' =
English woman's dŽcolletage; it's so ... cuddly!
LONG CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The attractive woman was sitting alone in the bar when a young man approached her. "May I buy you a drink?" he asked.
"What, go to a hotel?" she screamed.
"No, no," protested the young man. "You misunderstood me. I just asked if you wanted a drink."
"What? You're asking me if I will go to a hotel?" she screamed, even louder.
Thoroughly bewildered, the man sloped off back to his table in the corner, while everybody glared at him indignantly.
After fifteen minutes or so, the girl came over to explain. "Hey, I'm sorry to have created such a scene back there," she said. "I'm a student of psychology, studying human behavior in unexpected situations."
The young man looked right back at her and shouted, "What? Two hundred dollars?"
=
Like most travel writers, Adam made for the hotel bar before checking into a room.
During his second drink, Adam caught the eye of a curvaceous blonde drinking alone. Not a man to miss an opportunity, he bought her a drink and commenced his usual chat-up routine. After their third whisky, he suggested they go up to his room. "I haven't registered my arrival yet," said Adam, "so why don't I say you are my wife?"
The blonde saw the logic in it, and they enjoyed a night of steamy love.
Next morning when Adam came down to check out, he was handed a bill for a thousand pounds. "What? That's absolutely outrageous! I've only stayed one night!" he protested.
"Yes," explained the clerk, "but your wife has been here all week! "
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A lady goes on a safari, taking her aged poodle, Timmy, along for company.
One day Timmy is chasing butterflies and soon discovers he's lost. Roaming around, he sees a lion heading quickly in his direction, looking for lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Hell! I am in deep poo!" Then, noticing some bones on the ground, he begins to chew them with his back to the lion. Just as the cat is about to leap, Timmy says, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder if there are any more around?"
Hearing this, the cat halts in mid-strike and slinks away into the trees saying, "Phew! "That was close! That old dog nearly had me to eat!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had seen everything, figures he can put his knowledge to use and trade it for protection. He heads off after the lion, but the poodle sees him and figures something must be up. The monkey catches up with the lion, tells all and strikes a deal.
The lion is furious at being fooled and replies, "Hop on my back, and just see what happens to that darn poodle!"
Timmy sees the lion coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What'll I do now?" But instead of leaving, he sits with his back to them, pretending he hasn't seen them, and just when they are close enough to hear, he says.
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"
=
Leo the lion was drinking from a stream with his bottom in the air, just as Coco, a baboon, was passing by. From the monkey's viewpoint, the lion looked like Leonora (a lioness who had acquired a certain reputation for having loose morals) so the cheeky monkey crept up noiselessly from behind, intent on a bit of slap and tickle.
On feeling the monkey's sudden touch, the startled lion let out an almighty roar, and the monkey, now realising his mistake, took off like greased lightning, running goggle-eyed, through the jungle with the lion in hot pursuit.
The lion was gaining on Coco by the minute, and the monkey was just resigning himself to the possibility of a gruesome fate at the paws of his assassin, when he suddenly came across a hunter's camp.
Without further ado, the monkey dashed into the camp, donned a safari suit, whipped on a pith helmet, then nimbly threw himself into a chair, grabbed a copy of The Times and hid behind it as though he was reading.
The lion bounded into the clearing and screeched to a halt. As soon as the dust had settled, he asked, "Hey man, have you seen a monkey come dashing past here?"
"What monkey is this?" said Coco, "not the one that goosed the lion down by the stream?"
"Oh hell," said the lion, "don't tell me it's in the newspapers already."
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A term of affection à
Fornicate off, mate!
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A personal identification number =
I slip card in an ATM unit before one!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Charles Dickens novel Oliver Twist =
Child larcenist loves thieves' network!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Born on a Christmas Day =
Mary's son had not a crib.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Princess Cruises =
Scenic surprises!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The fool hath said in his heart, "There is no God." (The Psalms) =
Ah, The Good Lord is not harsh; He pities the faithless man.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Were there nails in the wood of the manger?
Did a thorn put the baby in danger?
Take your peace while you can,
Who is born Son of Man.
Sleep for now, the betrayal comes later.
=
Ah, now is the time for feeling good cheer!
Eat a turkey, alone, had with one pint of beer,
No Bush and no Brown
To let a soul down;
Celebrate! Merry Christmas - a Happy New Year!
LONG CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The matron at a large hospital answered a phone call in her office.
"Would you tell me how Seamus O'Burns is getting on in ward two?" asked the caller.
"Seamus O'Burns?" repeated the matron, consulting her notes. "Yes, he had his operation yesterday, but I believe it all went very well and that he will probably be coming out in two days or so. Who is this speaking?"
"It's Seamus O'Burns in ward two. They don't tell you anything down here!"
=
Two Indian doctors were having a heated argument in a hospital lobby. "Well, I say it's W-H-O-O-M," said one.
"Well, I say it's W-H-O-O-M-B," challenged the other one.
A passing nurse heard them. "Sorry, but you're both completely wrong," she said. "It's actually spelt W-O-M-B."
"Thanks, nurse," said one, "but we will settle the argument ourselves; anyhow, we really don't think you're in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting under water!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Death Is Nothing At All
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Vaginal smells threaten ~
the travelling salesman!
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