Anagrammy Placings by Dharam Khalsa in 2010
All the highly-placed anagrams by Dharam Khalsa from the 2010 Anagrammy Awards.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
We fear more plane blast alerts in the year 2010 =
Are we really a lot safer than in September 2001?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco =
That aging design on reinforced cables.
LONG CATEGORY, January 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A Texan cowboy stopped in at a restaurant following an unhurried day during his stay in Mexico.
While sipping a refreshing tequila, he eyed an impressive platter being served to a nearby table. Not only did it look scrumptious, the smell was wonderful!
He addressed the waiter, "Oh, sir..."
The waiter replied, "Yes?"
The clueless cowboy asked, "What is that dish you just served?"
"Ah, Se–or," the server answered. "You have excellent taste! They are called Cojones de Toro, the 'oysters' from the bull fight this morning, considered a choice delicacy here."
The American cowboy, despite considering animal anatomy for a moment, ordered. "What the heck, bring me those!"
=
The diplomatic server explained, "I am so sorry, Se–or. The kitchen cooks only one portion per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place an order, I will hold your dish."
The next day, the cowboy placed the order over his relaxing breakfast. That evening he sat down once again and was served his sole 'catch of the day'. After tasting just a few tender spicy bites, he was just not satiated and regarded his platter.
He called the waiter aside, whispering, "They were quite delicious, but much, much smaller than those I remember seeing you serve yesterday."
The waiter nodded, "Si, Se–or. Sometimes the bull wins."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Retired Husband
After he retired, I insisted that my husband accompany me on my midweek trips to the local Target store. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, I'm like most women - I wish to browse. Yesterday, without warning, I received the following letter from the Target manager:
Dear Mrs. Khalsa,
Over the past 6 months, your husband, Mr. Khalsa, has caused quite a commotion here in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are going to be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by the video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms off the shelf and stealthily dumped them in other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set twenty alarm clocks in the housewares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of diluted ketchup on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee, belched, and demanded in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to abandon her station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and money.
August 4: Went up to the Customer Service desk and tried to put 2 bags of M&Ms on layaway.
=
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign from tiles over to a carpeted area, laughing.
August 15: Got a tent set up in the camping department and told children he'd invite them to stay over if they would bring a mat, doughnuts, other sugar goodies, and fluffy blankets from the bedding department, which twenty of the children did.
August 23: When asked if he needed help, screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?" EMTs were called in.
September 4: Looked right into a security camera, transfixed, then used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
October 2: Darted around the store, suspiciously averting us, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
October 5: In the automotive department, tested a taboo "Madonna look" by trying on a variety of similar pointy motor oil funnels.
October 7: Hid down in a jeans garment rack and when women browsed there, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"
October 9: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he just assumed a fetal position and bawled "OH! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And the worst:
October 26: Went into a narrow fitting room, left the door ajar, squatted a while, then yelled very loudly from the room, "MA'AM, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!' Unfortunately, one of our clerks ran away.
In conclusion, Mrs. Khalsa, the Target staff members request that both you and your spouse stay away from our store in the future!
The management
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Vancouver Twenty-ten Winter Olympic Games =
Top men vying at ice events want low mercury.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
President Barack Obama ~
absorbed a market panic.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Tiger
Polar Bear
Pacific Walrus
Magellanic Penguin
Leatherback Turtle
Bluefin Tuna
Mountain Gorilla
Monarch Butterfly
Javan Rhinoceros
Giant Panda
=
We, human
Inhumane bunch,
Liken "fatal
Liberation"
Of particular
Fauna to
Grabbing capital,
Or paltry
Deceit,
Or gall,
Rejecting
Man's place
As loving
Nurturer.
LONG CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Quote by Mark Twain
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The first line of 'Cherry Stones' by Winnie The Pooh author, A.A. Milne: "Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief." =
Healthy, happy,
Unerring man, in
Sensible shoes;
Brilliant, or real faith;
Affectionate, warm;
No nighttime rookie, or
Domestic horror!
LONG CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A priest driving to an appointment after church on a New York road is stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the man's breath, and then easily sees his discarded wine bottle on the car floor.
The trooper demands, "Sir, what have you been drinking?"
"Just water," he murmurs.
The keen cop asks him, "Aha! Then, why do I smell wine?"
Assessing the bottle, the priest cries, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
=
Stopping over into a bar, Mike addresses Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a strong one! I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Not again!" Charlie replies, opening a frosty bottle. "And how did this one end?"
Mike reports, "When it was over, she came to me properly on her hands and knees."
Charles notes, "That's progress! So, what did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you spineless little chicken!'"
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Professional golfer Tiger Woods =
Portfolio of seasoned girls grew .
LONG CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept off and on during most of the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her to answer a question while she was sound asleep. "Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his No. 2 pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
Susie leaped up and shouted, "God Almighty!"
The nun remarked, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie.
~
The incredulous nun enthused, "You're right! Success! Hallelujah!"
But Susie, our still-drowsy schoolgirl, had soon returned to her nap.
Observing this, the relentless nun chose to ask the unaware student a new question: "Susie, answer this...What did Eve say to Adam after she had borne his twenty-third child?"
Nevertheless, Johnny again rescued his friend just in time, poking the sharp No. 2 pencil in her ass. Distressed Susie jumped to action, swore, and bellowed, "If you stick that thing in me once more, I will break it in half!!"
(The classmates all stood and cheered in a chorus of laughter, but the outdone nun had a sudden nosebleed.)
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A nurse's care =
Reassurance.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Do you think English is an easy language? If your answer is yes....
A farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that they had to refuse more refuse.
We must carefully polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would only get the lead out.
He decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, they thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at from above, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The medical insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about the correct way to row.
They were too close to the door to make it close.
A buck does funny things when does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer.
To help with planting, a farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was way too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing a tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
English is such a crazy language! There certainly is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and no apple OR pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England, nor were French fries invented in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand really works very slowly, boxing rings are actually square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One moose, two meese? ~
Makes sense to me - we see one solo goose, two geese, so two mongeese?
We're weird! It's a crazy idea that we can make amends but not offer a single amend. If one possesses a bunch of odds and ends, forfeits all but just one, what does he have left - the odd or the end?
If teachers taught, why don't we say the preacher praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Sometimes I think all English professors need to be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language in the world would people recite in a play and go play in a recital? Or ship freight by truck and send truck by ship? Or possess noses that run and feet that smell?
How do the two extreme opposites of slim chance and fat chance express the same thing, while two similar expressions - wise man and wise guy - denote the opposite? Yes, I have to wonder at the unique lunacy of a language in which a house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
The stressful English language was generated and written by people, pre-computer, of course, so it represents the creative jargon of the entire human race, which is not a race at all! That is why when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they're invisible.
Though I thought I was through with this rough interpretation and just need to proofread it, test it, post it, and adjourn (I'm tired...dog-tired), I still wonder why 'Buick' doesn't rhyme with 'quick'!
(For reference, this was forwarded to me in a newsletter, renewed and reworded; therefore, I don't suggest the newsletter's present reedited letters are new!)
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
United States General Stanley McChrystal =
My last insane stunt gets called 'treachery'.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
It's time for our quadrennial fixation;
With amazing judgement (or dumb luck),
Choose your favourite football nation
To predict the winners of the World Cup.
=
A fortune-telling octopod quaint
Jumped out from its tub restraint,
Foretold of a German win,
Which excited a humour of Berlin,
Who vocalized, "Our inky saint!"
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
As oil paints our ~
Louisiana ports.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A blonde in pigtails, seeking to earn some money, decides to hire herself out as a handywoman and begins canvassing rich neighborhoods. She walks up to the front door of the first house and asks the owner if he has any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint this porch. How much will you charge to do it?"
The blonde fidgets, hesitates, and asks, "How about fifty dollars?"
The man agrees and tells her that the paint, masking tape, ladder, etc. that she will need are in the garage.
The man's wife hears the conversation and asks her husband, "Does she know that the porch extends all the way around the house?"
The man replies, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short while later, the blonde walks up to the door to collect her money.
"Are you finished with that task already?" the man asks in disbelief.
"Sure," the blonde answers, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two vivid coats!"
Impressed, the man digs deep inside his pocket for the money.
"And by the way," the blonde adds, as she takes the fifty dollars, "it is not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
=
A blonde housewife is tired of all the blonde jokes, and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. To illustrate to her husband that blondes are actually smart, she decides to paint a couple of rooms and ceilings in their home while he is at work.
The next day, after her husband leaves, the happy woman gets right down to the task.
Her husband comes home, notices high scaffolding and detects the distinctive odor of half-dried paint. Startled, the man walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. Then he sees that she has on a ski parka and a shaggy mohair coat.
Hugging her, he asks her, "Honey, are you OK?"
The listless, headachy blonde sniffs, "Yes."
He asks her what she was trying to do.
The wife answers that she wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting their home.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"One Hundred Love Sonnets" by Pablo Neruda.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Liberal Democrats =
Calm deliberators.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
ary had a itte ab
Its feece as hite as sno.
And everyhere that ary ent
The ab as sure to go.
It fooed her to schoo one day
hich as against the rue.
It ade the chidren augh and pay
To see a ab at schoo.
=
Tot's Song
O*d *cDona*d had a far*
E-I-E-I-O
And on that far* he had ten shy shaggy sheep
E-I-E-I-O
Here a shy "Baa", there a shy "Baa"
Every*here that constant stuttered, "B-a-a"!
Chorus (taut staccato):
E-I-E-I-O
E-I-E-I-O
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
OLD __________ NEVER DIE...
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Social Network" =
How to create links.
LONG CATEGORY, October 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked his newly-hired employee.
"Yes sir, of course," the new worker replied.
"Well, that makes everything all right," the boss continued. "Right after you went home early yesterday
to attend your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
=
At breakfast the fatherless little Petey, an irreverent youngster, asked his retiree grandmother Beverly,
"Hey, how old are you?" Whereupon, she sweetly testified, "I'm thirty-nine and holding!"
Petey assessed her for a moment, then precociously asked, "How old would you be if you let go?"
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Today I heard Mr. Nielsen's soul claim: ~
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!"
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Actress Natalie Portman =
Spot an American starlet.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A shepherd was herding his flock into a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a stylish Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the young man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and quietly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone. Then he surfed to a page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and opened an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry. After a few moments, he received a response.
Finally, the young man printed a 159-page report on his miniaturized printer and turned to the shepherd and said,
=
"I have determined that you handle exactly 951 sheep."
"Correct," said the shepherd, appearing disheartened. "Go ahead, take one of the sheep."
He watched the expensively dressed, clean fingernailed man pick an animal in a hilly pasture and place it in his spotless new German car.
Before the winner could leave, the shepherd thought of a spontaneous proposition and signalled him to stop, pleading. "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give that animal back?"
"Sure, why not?" replied the flippant man, undeterred.
"You are a professional consultant!" the shepherd announced.
"Brilliant, I'm impressed!" answered the puzzled man. "How could you guess that?"
"No special knack required," stated the shepherd. "First, you turned up here at dawn when nobody called you. Then you offered to charge me for an answer I already knew, to something I never asked, and you don't know sh*t about my business!
Now, give me back my dog!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Hemos Perdido Aun Este Crepusculo
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