Anagrammy Placings by David Bourke
All the highly-placed anagrams by David Bourke from the Anagrammy Awards.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 1999:
1st - David Bourke with:
Diana,
The Princess Of Wales
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 1999:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease =
Crazed, I? Just old beefsteak!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 1999:
1st - David Bourke with:
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band =
Crap LP sung by the LSD-prone Beatles.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 1999:
1st - David Bourke with:
Elvis Aaron Presley =
Seen alive? Sorry, pal!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 1999:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Houses Of Parliament =
Top man here's a foul shite.
LONG CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Bohemian Rhapsody
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Reverend Ian Paisley =
He is a "Never Ireland!" type.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2000:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
[A group of George Michael themed anagrams.]
"No Y-fronts? Let's shag rectum!"
= Songs From The Last Century
A hairy gay Greek go-go musician. (Police sore too!)
= Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou (George Michael)
Up in Rio, to goose a gay
= Georgios Panayiotou
Gay ring glee: 'Wham!' idol career ended
= George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley
I'm Harrow sex-menace... giggle, eh?
= Ex-'Wham!' singer George Michael
G.M. led cop in, let penetrate asshole!
= The Los Angeles Police Department
Who, me? I'll stalk, rim, roger, rape!
Or: "I'll arrest limp 'Wham!' greeko!"
= The Will Rogers Memorial Park
A cop lubricant
= Club Tropicana
A Public W.C. marathon
= 'Club Tropicana' - Wham!
Wowee! A gay Greek homo bum-pouf
= 'Wake Me Up Before You Go Go' - Wham!
I help screw arses
= Careless Whisper
God! I want that fairy!
= Waiting For That Day
Gay News thrives, then?
= Everything She Wants
Get fairy in romp
Merry? Not if a pig!
Er, fit in gay romp
= Praying For Time
Fag fruit here
= Father Figure
SOS! Lewd gay can nob!
= Cowboys And Angels
Anal-sediment legend
= Ladies And Gentlemen
LONG CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Stairway To Heaven
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Leonardo DiCaprio =
Ocean idol, or a drip?
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
3rd - David Bourke with:
His Holiness Pope John Paul =
Hope in Polish plan, oh Jesus?
LONG CATEGORY, March 2000:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Won't
Get Fooled Again
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Madonna Louise Ciccone =
One cool dance musician.
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Clitoral stimulation =
"It is all to oil a cunt, Mr!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2000:
eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
HOW MANY RICHARD GRANTHAMS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
=
NONE. (BUT LIT THE AWARDS CHART! HAIL THE BIG SHOCK ANAGRAMMY
GOD!)
HOW MANY JON GEARHARTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
=
DO JUST GET ONE RHYME KING (WHO CAN BOAST/BRAG A LITTLE - HA HA!)
HOW MANY LARRY BRASH'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
=
"G'DAY ALL! IT'S ONE!" - MR. L.B. (BY THE BUSH - WATCH
THE KANGAROOS AIR).
HOW MANY WILLIAM TUNSTALL-PEDOES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT
BULB? =
BE ALIGHT? AH WELL, AT MOST, IT WILL TAKE ONLY ONE SUCH MAD, BAD,
TOP GENIUS.
HOW MANY JANETS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
AH, JUST BE TWO - BOTH LADIES CAN LET GO, MAKE ANY NIGHT!
HOW MANY MIKE KEITHS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
"I BET ON HIGH, BUT DO I KNOW MATHEMATICALLY?" ASKS
THE GEEK.
HOW MANY WHITNEY COHENS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
=
"CHANGE, EH? WHY, GLAD TO (THAT'S THIS ONCE), BUT I'M ONLY
A NEWBIE, OK!"
HOW MANY MICK TULLY'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
=
ONE, MAYBE? (A DUMB HUNCH) - GO ASK THAT LOWLY SICK LITTLE GIT.
HOW MANY DANIEL F. ETTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
=
BUT WHY? IN FACT, HE DOES NOT NEED TO A BIT. (EG: ALL A MAKER'S
LIGHT)
HOW MANY MEYRAN KRAUS'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
=
ASK D.B. - "ONLY ONE ISRAELI (BUT OY, WHAT A GEM! MUCH GREAT
THANKS!)"
HOW MANY RICHARD BRODIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
=
WHY, ABOUT ONE. O HARK! BIBLE SAID "CHRIST, MAN! GOD CREATED
LIGHT!"
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2000:
eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, John Entwistle and Keith Moon =
Note: The Who... nosy wonder, little gent, Spiderman, and The Joker.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Want cleaner bowels? =
Newcastle Brown Ale.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, July 2000:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
The State of Israel =
Settle of this area.
Felt haste to arise.
Fate: It loses earth.
Tolerate safe hits?
Soft, eh? Retaliates!
State Hitler as foe.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, August 2000:
3rd - David Bourke with:
AMAZING PENIS ENLARGEMENT BREAKTHROUGH!
Finally, an all-natural way to lengthen and strengthen your cock.
Penis Pros has created the ultimate penis enlargement program. Rare herbs cultivated high in the Andes of Peru provides sexual power that has been untapped until we brought them to the masses worldwide. We guarantee these pills will make you the stud you deserve to be.
ALL NATURAL PENIS ENLARGEMENT - 100% SAFE!
http://www.herbalo.com
=
AMAZING PENIS ENLARGEMENT BREATHROUGH?
Men! Do women laugh at your stupid, naff, pale little two-inch (at best) tadger? Ha ha ha! Tough cheese, then, you sad tosser! But you'll never have sex without a proper pork-sword, so best get used to it, you pathetic stump-ended prick! And get a life, eh! See, all the Alt.Anagrams men have real hard, thrusting purple helmets! Ner ner ner ner ner!
ALL NATURAL PENIS ENLARGEMENT? - PANTS! BE 100% BALLS!
www.weewilliewinky.com
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Stella Artois - Reassuringly expensive =
A very strong ale, I see. All six pints? Sure!
GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The morning-after pill =
"Pregnant? Hell! I'm for it!"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2000:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Dolly Rebecca Parton =
Bra coped? Clearly not!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
Al and Tipper Gore... ~
preparing to lead!
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
The menstrual cycle =
"My cunt creates hell!"
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2000:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
The Organization of Petroleum-Exporting Countries =
Gang met to fix up our oil price on (or set near to) zenith.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
The
Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The performing of cunnilingus =
Chin/tongue in prone girl's muff.
SPAM CATEGORY, October 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
CHECK THIS OUT
Try this site out. I found some really great Items.
http://www.sincerelyyours.com
Thanks
Tiffany
=
Why e-post here, sucker? Fuck off, you cretin! In Alt.Anagrams,
we do not wish to try this scummy, shitty little site.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, October 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Most Powerful Anti-Obesity Drug Ever Discovered!
"It Is Like Metabolic Liposuction Vacuuming Off Excess
Body Fat!"
"It Is The Age Reversal Miracle Of The 21st Century!"
"It Is The Ultimate Anti-Aging Therapy!"
"It Is Cosmetic Plastic Surgery In A Bottle!"
These are statements from physician researchers - as they try to find appropriate words to describe some of the amazing health benefits they have noted and documented in their clinical research work with this incredible substance!
For More Information, Click Here http://21649973/hgh.html
To be removed from this mailing list, click here
http://21649973/cleanlist.html
Thank You!!
=
Hey, lard arses! Massive 36-72-36? All blubber? Trim it!
In fact, you mightn't be harpooned every time you go swimming!
- Stop talking-scales screaming:
"Christ! No more coach-parties, please!"
- See your genitals without the aid of a mirror!
- Find where you had left that missing TV remote-control!
- Stop calling 999 (the Fire-Brigade) over, to hoist you from the bath!
- Have fewer chins than the Chinese telephone directory!
- Ride a bike and don't stick in the saddle!
- Have sex for the first time since 1972!
- Smaller (44D) tits!
- Fit in an F1 car!
..etc, etc, etc.
Is it pretty much time to trim-up?
- I think it is! Cut the crap!
Nice size 12? Click here:
http://Absolutely-flabless.com
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Traveling Wilburys: Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne and Roy Orbison =
An angry Jew / the Beatle / blond boy / sorry prat in ELO / stiff guy... in short, very boring old men.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, November 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Hello All
I would like to know what service or business is missing from the internet.
Could it use a more helpful (paid) version of Ask Jeeves?
Could it use a forwarding service so that snail and email is only
given to one company?
Could the internet use a Better Business Bureau? (reporting good
and bad companies, sites across the internet)
Maybe you want an ISP that charges only $10.00 / month?
What would you like to see thats not already on the internet?
I want to know...what you think and I want to you to forward this posting to at least 5 people. I would like to receive a minimum of 1,000 emails on this topic by November 5, 2000 - Can you help me. (I want a total of 15,000 emails by Nov 30, 2000)
Email your replies to wrowe62@uswest.net
http://www.deja.com/profile.xp?author=wrowe62@uswest.net&ST
Please use a subject of: SURVEY
Thanks
Wayne Rowe
=
Hi, you poor old jerks, I'm Mark Waine...
I would like to insult your intelligence by pretending that I'm out conducting some sort of internet survey, when, in fact, all that I'm doing is getting (at no cost to myself) the e-mail addresses of as many gullible assholes as possible, which I can then sell-off to various unscrupulous internet companies so they can bombard you too with spam to advertise their pathetic rubbish, such as penis (or tit) enhancement, online loans, sexual aids, perverted teenie porno videos, or worse...I bet you know just the sort of unwanted pure drivel that I mean! So anyway, I want to make at least $1,000,000 (or even $2,000,000!) by Nov 6, 2002.
Reply to:
whatastupidlittlefool@www.spam121-365@wet_ewe&sheepwool5050.au
(Please use a subject of :
"Wow wow wow! I see! I'm a total and utter wanker too!")
Thank you everyone,
- Mark Waine
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, November 2000:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The President of The United States of America, George Walker Bush =
Takes power after foe, Mr. Clinton... but gee, he's sure a shitheaded git!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The
Ten Commandments
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2000:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
While the cat's away, the mice will play =
With what aim? Well, a cheese, typically!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2000:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Al Gore concedes =
Race closed. Gone.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Romance Coupons.com - is the place for fresh ideas that put the
variety back into your relationship - announced new Christmas
& Kwanzaa Romance Coupons. Check them out at:
http://www.romancecoupons.com
=
No chance to score? NoMates.com is THE site for a noncy chap without a fuck. Cripes! Horror! Ain't that a shame? (Plus not very nice). Come on up, wanker, and unzip the old chap!
Cock up & masturbate!
www.NoMates.com
LONG CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
Now, I don't want you to think I expect acknowledgements for all
of my posts, but I've posted what I consider to be some strong
anagrams during this month and have received very few comments.
Take this last week for example. My newsreader shows I posted
28 anagrams (some of which I *really* like) since, and including,
December 16th (and not including this one, of course) and yet
there have only been 3 responses. Since I've experienced connection
troubles with my ISP during the earlier part of this month (mostly
email problems with several emails lost to the ether) and since
I've been using a new, for-pay newsgroup server this last month,
I'm wondering if all that I send is actually getting to the newsgroup.
If so, well then, I guess I'm just over-estimating the "brilliance"
of my work and so be it. But I'd hate to think I'm doing all this
typing and that not everyone is seeing them.
So, could a maybe 3 or 4 of you (no need for the whole group to respond), assuming that you can even see this message, please do an experiment for me? If you have Outlook Express as your newsreader, or if you know how to do this in whatever newsreader you have, please select Edit/Find from the menu bar and type in Rick Rothstein into the "From" box (alt.anagrams should already be in the "Look in" box), click the check mark box in the "Received after" box and select 12/1/00 for the date on the calendar that pops up. Finally, press the "Find Now" button. In the status bar at the bottom of the window, does it say "113 message(s) . . ."? If so, then all my messages are getting through and I'll have to work harder to perfect my anagrams. If not, then I need to contact ?someone? to report the problem. Either way, I'd like to know.
Thank you and a Happy Holiday to all,
Rick
=
Hey, now I don't want you to think I'd expect all my net purchases to land on the mat, but this month I have ordered online (indeed, paid for on my American Express card): 6 gerbils, 3 hamsters, 1 tube of KY Jelly, 3 gross of cardboard toilet-tubes, the Lifetime Membership of the Richard Gere Appreciation Society, a vacuum cleaner, a shoehorn, a donkey, a llama, 12 leather whips, some stirrups, 14 pairs of crotchless pants, 10 pairs of Latex examination gloves, 28m of electric flex, a tub of chocolate body paint, new sheets, some Swarfega industrial hand cleaner, 10-denier fishnet stockings, a sexy negligee, Y-Fronts (furry-lined inside), a kilt, new felt merkin, the complete set of Baywatch videos, some Viagra, 3 boxes of shiny wet-look lipstick, new teeth, eye shadow, some nail varnish, meths, a nipple-piercing kit, The Toe-Sucking Handbook, a 'King Dong' heavy-duty twin-ended monster vibrator, a pound of sliced liver, the Tina Turner 'Nutbush' wig (with dayglo-tinted extensions), some new white stilettoes, 'Men! Men! Men! - The Complete Nude Photographic Works Of Robert Mapplethorpe', the new Village People's Greatest Hit Songs boxed-set Anthology, then the new-out hot 'Divine Naked!' video, a bottle of amyl-nitrate, the 'Diana' colonic irrigation kit, a set of seven hypodermic needles, the new 'Dominant S-and-M Bondage For Gents (Beginners)' book, a toothbrush, some 'Minty Menthol' mouthwash, some semen-stain remover, (ditto, shite), and then a copy of the Anagram Genius Windows software. Now thus far, it seems, only the Anagram Genius has actually arrived. I would therefore advise that you only order goods on the Internet from known, trustworthy, reputable sources.
Thank you, you sweet little honeys! Love,
Rick.
Mwah!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - David Bourke with:
'Twas
the night before Christmas
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Institutionalised racism =
It salutes discrimination.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Just five of the greatest and most influential axemen ever known, in my humble personal (and biased) opinion: =
1. Jimi Hendrix. A funky mean soul'n'blues man. Died of breathing (own) vomit. Vast, insane talent. Stone Free, people!
2. Brian May. Was in one fine band. Def Leppard, Extreme, even Mott just love him! Sung like shit. So, a final tune? No, no!
3. Eddie Van Halen. Extremely fast king of inverse-twin-hand tap. But one memorable solo, in 'Jump!'...fine sustain, no?
4. Pete Townshend. Deaf. Maximum (ie: most noisy) R'n'B / real ennui. Band fave? - 'Join Together'. Vast, full pink nose. ("A line?")
5. Nigel Tufnel. (Of Spinal Tap). Very fast. The bonehead's mission? - Banjo turned onto maximum din. (ie: "eleven"). Wanker.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Decomposing
Composers
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Foot-and-Mouth Disease spreads in Great Britain... ~
Dead beasts in a pit - a ruined farmer's soon got hit.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
INCREASE the size of your breasts!
100% Satisfaction Guaranteed !!!
This revolutionary product has been used by thousands of women
in Europe.
Kept secret by top models, now available to anyone who wants to
improve their bust size.
This unique formula will make your breasts fuller and firmer.
"Thank you for this product. After just one week I could feel my bra tighten. It has now been 6 weeks and my bust size has increased 1.75 inches. My bust even looks healthier than my sister's, and she had breast implants. Thanks again." - Sally, Utah
We receive letters like this everyday - yours could be next.
Visit our Web Site at:
http://www.geocities.com/lookgreat2110
If our Web site is unavailable please call 1-316-262-4144.
To be removed from future mailings please click on the line below
and hit send.
mailto:nottoday13@hotmail.com
=
Hi! Tiny 31"/32" tits? Pack two weeny fried eggs?
- Try new unique 'Bazonga-Buster' - I bet you will need a heavy-duty
industrial over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder! Your new enormous
Double-E size wobbly whoppers will look like a dead-heat in a
Zeppelin race!
See a 10-11% increase a day! 10-11!
As used by the vastest of the vast:
- "Shee-it!! It seems ah now need a couple of tarpaulin sheets to cover mah little ole creamy milkchurns!" - Dolly Parton
- "Blimey, mate! 41"... 42"... 46"... 52"... 66"... me massive top-bollocks, they just carry on fuckin' growin', dahn't yer fink, eh?" - Barbara Windsor
- "I have such famous stacks now! Marvellous mammaries...70" stunners, dahling! Feel it!" - Lolo Ferrari
- "That IS nice! Now me breasts stretch out onto pages two and four, see!" - Samantha Fox
Be keen! Bust out, OK! It's time - visit the website this instant:
beautifulbristols@acefinetitties.com
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Ariel Sharon =
Oh, ran Israel?
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, February 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
A list of just five of the most gruesome tyrants, evil dictators and bloodthirsty despots of all the twentieth century: =
1. Adolf Hitler: O-T-T nut. Strived to rid Germany of the last Jews by the Holocaust. One testis. "Mist!" - Very pissed-off total cunt.
2. Josef Stalin: It's that little Soviet cult nutter - got covered with the red bloodspot off of many Russian mystery deaths.
3. Slobodan Milosevic: The fatty's thieves enjoyed murdering Croats (tut tut!). If he lost power, still that dotty naff tosser.
4. Saddam Hussein: Oft set out for victory by his Jihad against West, lost most utterly. Don't let the little pervert off once.
5. Margaret Thatcher - Feisty old trout. Testy toff. Destroyed Malvinas ship just to win election. Loves self, doubt this not.
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The 'oldest profession' =
Lots of red-hot penises!
SPAM CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Consolidate all your Bills into One Monthly Payment
Slash your credit card interest rates down to zero =
Sorry... utter shit. Come to Poland! You can now land lenders'
rates set at ten million-or-so zloty daily! Be rich!
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
When you access the Internet, your computer keeps permanent hidden
records of your activities!
Evidence Eliminator allowed me to see exactly whats on my PC's hard drive. Needless to say I was shocked at what I found. Files I shredded months earlier were clearly visible using this software.
If you take your computer in for repair, what will they find? Think about it !
You really do need.............Evidence Eliminator.
http://www.evidence-eliminator.com/go.shtml?A653704
kkqikhyvovjsyueindfgovbmeittecthcdkmqhshejyklpucyqfwbge
=
Dear fellow depraved sick perverts,
When I took my computer in my local PC World, they found exactly 653,704 dirty pictures of sweet babies downloaded free from www.nakedchildren.net on my hard drive, and they very quickly contacted the police. Why, I just wish I'd had Evidence-Eliminator software then! Sheer sheer shame! I'm finished, totally finished, career-wise! So if you wanna be in my gang, then you keep our sick, sick activities quite quite secret, OK? Just think about that lesson, hmmm?
- Gary Glitter
PS: I love you love me love!
LONG CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou
among women, and blessed be the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy
Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour
of our death. Amen.
=
Praise Allah, for he, not Christ, is god,
Offer thyself to Mohammed, the grand holy man.
If we anger, burdened at the hour of need,
May we use just words, not bombs,
Shout for Islam - truly, the honourable way.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Hereby listed, my considered personal choices of but five of the world's greatest known anagrammatists: =
- The fine old, grey Larry Brash from Newcastle, NSW. Voted 'King of comic Spam', but he desires to net a Set. (As do I!)
- Richard 'Grammy Kid' Grantham, oft top in wins last year. The fellow deserves to be 'No. One' of successes, I'd bet!
- Meyran Kraus - A showoff, crowing at old Rehovot bitches. (Er... damn big set credentials!) Seems Seinfeld-potty.
- Richard Brodie. What mass talents! So doesn't even flinch at many Good Book rewrites, etc. ("Mere piffles, guys!")
- Michael Keith. Class maths genius, yet fast renowned for 'Periodic Table'. (Now set odds-on for 'Very Best Gram'.)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Dear friend,
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We offer also other services, all free, that you can see in our
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Further, this message cannot be considered spam as long as we
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incluir remitente contacto información. Staff de Italy
News)
=
Dear greasy eye-tie wop cunts,
Mama mia! You rest assured, next time I see a need of 1138666
miles of festering spaghetti, 1112300 tons of ravioli, 116120
tons of 'al dente' penne pasta, 138188 tons of parmesan cheese,
rancid diseased prosciutto, macaroni fumes, crumbly panettone,
a sickly sweet tutti-frutti ice cream, obscenely fat-arsed tenors
in inane poncy tuneless operas, Joe Dolce's 'Shaddapa Your Face',
'Que Sera Sera', a severed horse's head on my pillow, tanks with
1 forward and 30 reverse gears, white flags, ceaseless political
corruption, seedy bent police, insane suicidal maniacs out in
rusty Fiats or on weeny toy Lambretta and Vespa street scooters,
Dario Fo, Andrea Bocelli, Benito 'Il Duce' Mussolini, Serie-A
footie teams in San Siro, Sophia Loren, Carlo Ponti, Giancarlo
Fisichella, tasteless United Colors of Benetton advertisements,
I Scuderia Ferrari Maranello F1 tifosi, senselessly fast 'Testarossa'
dick-replacements, Pininfarina, lop-sided monuments @ Pisa, ruined
stadiums @ Rome, Etna, armless indecent nude statues, weedy reedy
Bontempi organs, lute tunes, Julius Caesar (a cruel murderer),
Nero (just a tyrant), Romano Prodi, Massimo Troisi, an Olivetti
typewriter, E.U. Commissioner Emma Bonino, money-grabbing gondoliers
in Venice (an insanitary true sewer), Caneletto, RAI, Greta Scacchi,
Andrea de Cesaris, Cicciolina's quite grotesque tits, Casanova,
Versace, Armani, Fiorucci, Alberto 'La Bomba' Tomba, Deborah Compagnoni,
La Giaconda, Jarno Trulli, Alfa Romeo, Ducati, Maserati, La Mille
Miglia, Riccardo Patrese, Zucchero, Adriano Celentano, Lucio Battisti,
Vasco Rossi, duo Alessi, Pinot Grigio, Topo Gigio (a funny squeaky
wee cute furry rodent), Peroni beer, Chianti, Martini, Marconi,
Rossini, Puccini, Verdi, Monteverdi, Vespucci, Columbus, Dante's
Inferno, Leonardo da Vinci's quite demented nonsense ideas, Vivaldi's
unendurable fiddle tunes, Michaelangelo's so amateur ceiling cartoons,
and any more useless unwanted true crap you create, fear not...
see, I'll surrender at once... er, I mean let you know.
By the way, just a question: I am indeed sure you know just why
your Italy is in a boot-shape, don't you?
- Easy! Because you see, my fine misty-eyed friends, it seems
you'd never get quite as much pure shite out of a tiny shoe. Tee
hee! Yes sirree! Now, if you'd excuse me please, I must run...
ciao!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The American spyplane =
Chinese play mean trap.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, April 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
LESBIAN LOVERS
Click Here!!!
If you like watching two girls together,
this is the site. Click Here!!!
25,000 All-New Lesbian Photos Click Here!!!
Thousands of LESBIAN Movies Click Here!!!
LIVE LESBIAN PERFORMANCES!
=
Click here - listen to k.d. lang's new album
"The Sapphic Sessions", with these choice tracks:
"Clitoris Cheese"
"Labia Licker"
"I Only Fuck Women"
"Hello, Bi!"
"Feelings For Her"
"Girlie Heaven"
"Elsie's 25,000-volt Vibrator"
LONG CATEGORY, April 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
TRAINSPOTTING
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
=
ANAGRAMMING
Choose shit. Choose being such a sad anorak. Choose sitting in front of a PC at about four in the morning. Choose The Daily Mail cryptic crossword. Choose/use Anagram Genius Windows software. Choose Sater. Choose General, Entertainment, Name, Other Name, Rude, Spam, Long Spam, Topical, Set, Long, Special, and Challenge. Choose abuse. Choose SUCH humiliation on the Anagrammy Members' Page. Choose hardship. Choose sacrifice. Choose jeopardising your job. Choose bringing your relationship to its knees. Choose watching that useless fat cunt off Countdown Richard 'Twice Nightly' Whiteley leering at Carol Vorderman. Choose finding Richard Stilgoe SO funny. Ho fucking ho. Choose a stiff neck... red eyes... carpal tunnel syndrome... how exciting for you. But if you choose, I can help you. For fuck's sake USE the future, dude! Get out here in the air - get a life!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Mambo
No 5 - Lou Bega
SPAM CATEGORY, May 2001:
eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
All the Raciest Pictures of your
FAVORITE CELEBRITIES!!
Click Here!!
If you are looking for the ladies, for instance:
Britney Spears --> Click Here!!
Anna Kournikova --> Click Here!!
Sara Michelle Gellar --> Click Here!!
Pamela Anderson --> Click Here!!
Cindy Crawford --> Click Here!!
If you are looking for Men, for instance:
The Backstreet Boys --> Click Here!!
Leonardo DiCaprio --> Click Here!!
George Clooney --> Click Here!! >
Brad Pitt --> Click Here!!
Ricky Martin --> Click here!!
After looking at the above,
check out some FREE porn --> Click Here!!
=
All the dirtiest, deep-in-crack-area pics ever, of your
FAVORITE CELEBRITIES, BARE!!
Click here!!
If you are looking for ladies, for instance:
Nancy Reagan --> Click Here!!
Hillary (or Chelsea) Clinton --> Click Here!!
Tipper Gore --> Click Here!!
Yoko Ono --> Click Here!!
Peter Mandelson --> Click Here!!
If you came looking for men, for instance:
Bill Gates --> Click Here!!
Robin Cook --> Click Here!!
'Dubya' (Wanker) Bush --> Click Here!!
David Frost --> Click Here!!
Margaret Thatcher --> Click Here!!
After a look, some ace FREE sick porn? Try it out!
--> Click Here!!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Conservative =
Voters cave in.
SPAM CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
!!!!--SPECIAL OFFER TOTALLY FREE PASS--!!!! !!!!
----LIMITED TIME OFFER ACT NOW ----!!!!
The Nude Britney Site! - As seen and heard on the Howard Stern
Show.
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.pokeadot.com
Watch Britney dance topless on stage while partying with friends at a New York Night Club!
See Unbelievable Shocking early modeling shots thought to of been destroyed, photos and home videos of Britney Spears.
No way is she a virgin! Check out her infamous nipple slip video!
See her forbidden tits upclose and personal! They're real!
We have gone to great lengths to bring you the hottest content
possible!
Stolen, blackmarket, candid, up skirt, nipple slip, xxx home videos,
and more of Britney Spears and all your favorite celebrities are
our specialty. We pay out over $100,000 a month just to photographers
to provide us with the freshest content of the sexiest celebrities
on the net. Don't miss out on this special FREE offer! Get your
FREE membership now! Don't wait another second Britney is waiting!!!!
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.pokeadot.com
THIS FREE OFFER IS VALID FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY.
=
!!!!--SPECIAL OFFER TOTALLY FREE PASS--!!!! !!!!
----LIMITED OFFER ACT NOW ----!!!!
The Ann Widdecombe Naked Virgin Site!
Seen on BBC News At Ten!!!
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.hideous-old-battleaxe.com
She was offered (at a pretty conservative estimate) $100,000 to keep herself covered up, to no avail!
- Watch her topless at the Tory Party Conference!
(She's possibly got her knockers, but she's OK!)
- See her in her top five hot sexy X-rated new horror videos!:
'Something Of The Night' (starring Michael Howard)
'Shriller'
'Pent-Up Widdecombe's Erection Night Fever'
'Doris Karloff Stops To Show Off Her Unspoiled Kent'
'The Gargantuan Gargoyle Of Westminster'
- Just see her pretty crooked teeth biting into poor Michael Portillo!
- Be bossed about, lectured-to on 'values', patronised (potty opinions on dope), then play-whipped into submission by her, in the virtual-reality 'Monster Of Maidstone' game!
- Buy the 'Auntie Annie' shiny pudding-bowl hairpiece!
Yes, yes, yes! Don't wait another second... Ann's still waiting!!!!
Click Here -- http://celebphotos.hideous-old-battleaxe.com
(PS: THIS FREE OFFER IS FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY).
LONG CATEGORY, June 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The Surgeon General Has Determined That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous
to Your Health. =
See! Go on! Suck more shit into your lungs, get asthma, and at
the end, die right here. Real great!
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Christian values =
Real chauvinists.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Lord's Prayer
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Colonel Sanders' Kentucky Fried Chicken =
Foul skinny cocks enriched late redneck.
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Erectile dysfunction =
Sorely cunt-deficient.
SPAM CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Your Dating Life Might Be Great Right Now,
But What If It Could Be Even Better?!
Dating secrets you might NEVER discover can be yours Instantly!
Check Out Our Best Selling Title: How To Meet & Win With Women
- Myths: Facts and fiction about dating women.
- Dating: The secrets you'll need to be successful.
- Creative places for finding the women of your dreams.
- How to pick up Women.
- Do's and Don'ts: What you should say and what not!
- Pick up lines that Actually Work!
- Conversations:
How to start, keep, and end them, plus memory techniques.
- Confidence boosting techniques that guarantee success.
- Personality types:
Numerous personality types and how to choose which
is right for you.
- Body language:
How to interpret posture, facial expressions, signals,
and touching.
- Personal Ads: Do they really work?
- Making friends:
Finding great friends, where to meet them, and making
friendships last.
- The facts about dating friends, co-workers, and older women.
- Learn the little known secrets for getting a woman to ask you
out.
- Secrets to win and keep a woman's heart
- How to treat her right, gain her trust, and romance her.
Over 250 pages! Much much MORE!
If this book does not greatly increase your Dating Life, return the book in original condition within 30 days for a refund.
=
Dear Sirs,
I'm writing to complain about your book 'How To Meet & Win With Women'. I purchased with good faith, thinking that, a grown man aged 53, it was time I lost my virginity. Having read the book cover to cover the other night, I gradually built up the confidence to ask my cousin Noreen out to see a showing of the film 'Bean', but the evening was a complete and utter disaster. We went in McDonalds for dinner, but she flounced outside the restaurant in a strop. (Women, eh? Bonkers! Such fussy, surly whingers!)
Now, quite appreciating that my opening gambit "Any chance of a fuck, then?" was perhaps a little forward in the circumstances, I resolved to be more circumspect next time.
As for the following sorry occasion, I asked Gwen (the lady in the shops downstairs) on a day off to see Spurs playing at Queen's Park Rangers, but no score, no shags - she took the tickets at once, and went with Noreen instead, the greedy, stingy, rude little cow.
A right wrong 'un!
I regret I'm now at least 200 pounds out of pocket, trying hard, but get no success, angry, still unfulfilled, can't afford to pay my dear old mother her weekly rent, and want total refunds of the useless book and for the one unused cinema ticket. (Enclosed.)
Sorry things had to come to this.
Yours sincerely,
M. Goddard.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.
As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of
the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry, luv! I just didn't see yer. Are yer OK?"
he blurts out.
"Everyfing is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says,
tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Oh my God! NAAAH!" she screams.
"Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down an' all!!!"
=
This here so-called joke is, it seems, just typical of the rude,
sexist, misogynist sheer rubbish the female half of Essex county
have had to endure. Not even remotely amusing, it mocks, I see,
the average Sharon and Tracy as frilly flirts, very easy lays,
tarts, dim hussies on Page 3, gagging fevered harlots (should
that be 'Harlows'?), and whores going round screwing with anyone
and anything in trousers. Men that rehash this view here are surely
morons!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Bourke's Parakeet Facts
The Bourke's Parakeet is thought by many to be one of the most beautiful of all parakeets, dressed as it is in shades of sunset pink and vivid iridescent blues. As one of the grass parakeets of Australia, it is a favourite of many who keep birds. They do best when given some room to fly, rather than being kept in a smaller cage. I have more than once heard their keepers liken them to an over-sized butterfly, and this is a very good description of the way they fly - they flit and bounce in the air in a very similar manner to butterflies, and are a pleasure to watch, with their sweet voices and playfulness. They are quiet, mellow little birds during the middle of the day, but dawn and dusk is another story. Dusk is the magic time for a Bourke's parakeet; they come fully into their element then, seeming to blend into partial invisibility in the uncertain light. Be careful if you plan on having several species share an aviary, and want to include the beautiful Bourke's parakeet - when other species are already roosting for the night, the Bourkies will be at their most active. For example, I had a friend whose Bourkies thought it a great game to knock roosting finches from their perch, like a row of bowling pins! Unlike many birds, the Bourke's big eyes are adapted to allow them to see clearly at dawn and dusk. They have a very playful, boisterous attitude at these times, and they have been known to tease other species sharing a flight with them, who have trouble seeing at all so close to full dark, much less enough to defend themselves. One advantage to keeping Bourkies, is that you always know the gender of your birds, with the exception of some of the rarer colour mutations, like the Rose and the Pink. In all the other Bourke's parakeets, the male will have a vivid blue eyebrow - as soon as you see this distinctive marking, you can be sure that you are looking at a male. Like all the other Grass parakeets, Bourkies do very well on a diet of Soak Seed and Nestling Food, under which regime they seem to breed and feed reliably. They will use a nestbox, but do seem to do better with an open-topped narrow pyramidal design, rather than the usual closed rectangular shape more commonly seen.
=
David Bourke Facts
The David Bourke (gramcheckerius onesadanorakgeekius), a feared type of Hairy Bush Parakeet, usual habitat Rochester, Kent, U.K., is thought by some to be one of the most deeply repugnant, foul-mouthed, and highly offensive of all sad lowlifes that post on the Internet to Alt.Anagrams.
Not to be confused with its more attractive Australian Rules footballer namesake, it has a pinkish-white hue, is skinny, with dark brown silky plumage, bleary little bloodshot pale blue beady weasel eyes, and a distinctive prominent hook-shaped beak.
Completely nocturnal (to the severe irritation of its one breeding partner, the Shrew-Faced Little Blue Sea Shrike), the David Bourke is flightless, transfixed by its reflection in a computer monitor, composing anagrams that are occasionally moderately amusing, but more often, puerile and tiresome, weakened with, on the whole (heh heh!) regular reliance on the 'C' word, foul abuse, and sheer narrow-minded homophobic toilet humour.
The David Bourke is a vegetarian - the diet is thought to consist entirely of pine kernels, millet-meal, kola-nut, seakale, algae, beans, honey, wheat, berries, beetroot, leek, cheese sandwiches, and huge quantities of Stella Artois beer. Virtually impossible, it seems, to house-train, the David Bourke is happiest wallowing around, heavily camouflaged, indeed unbothered by, its stinking filth. Seeking to keep happily to itself, it ventures out of its cage every two weeks between the high months of every March/October to watch a Formula One Grand Prix.
Shy, sneaky, not noted for speech, the David Bourke has only sometimes been known to talk freely. Too risky as a family home pet, easy to anger, it bites when provoked, so is better taken out, shaken-up, and shot. (Or, at the very least, neutered, tied-up and flung in a zoo).
Every winter, the David Bourke hibernates. A keen bass guitarist (so it says), the David Bourke has a penchant for spewing music-related anagrams (well, it is a relative of the Dartford Warbler) and extremely dirty nursery rhymes.
A winner, I see, of several 'Anagrammies', (Hey, what the hell are they?), the David Bourke is, I guess, with a hugely sly nature, perfectly adapted to a free, easy highlife of inactive sloth.
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Durex contraceptives =
Cervix/anus protected.
SPAM CATEGORY, September 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Get Any Bitch You Want
NOW LEGAL IN THE US FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN!
Imagine a natural aphrodisiac that is proven to attract the opposite sex! Androstenone Pheromone Concentrate (APC) is just that! The opposite sex will subconsciously detect this product and they will be instantly attracted to you!
NOW YOU CAN HAVE THE WOMAN OR MAN OF YOUR DREAMS!!!
MEN CLICK HERE
WOMEN CLICK HERE
=
Want an animal attraction? Canine cuties on heat? Just whistle! Next, you can have any bitch you want! Have pooches mount up against your leg! That there mutt needs a hard, meaty bone!
* Cute little Shar-Pei's! Randy Dinmonts!
* Sexy Setters! Dirty Dobermanns!
(Most not trained!)
No poop! Come on! Call to: http://www.woofwoof.com/
Hot Tail! Pedigree Pooch Porn!
Lassie: CLICK HERE
Bouncer: CLICK HERE
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The USA and Britain ~
unite and hit Arabs.
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
Drinking to excess =
Dick resting, no sex.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
The terrorist Osama Bin Laden =
Arab monster is no idle threat.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The World Toilet Summit in Singapore =
Millions go there to dump in its water!
SPAM CATEGORY, November 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Dear reader,
We would like to ask you to participate in a study that is being conducted by the University of Amsterdam. The subject of this study is Internet communication. Note that your participation is fully anonymous. Please, if you have the time, feel free to go to www.cmc-research.org to fill out the questionnaire that has been set up. It will only take 2 minutes of your time. If you know any other people who might be willing to participate, please forward this message to them. Furthermore, if you have any questions, you can reply to this email address:
mbawolf@xs4all.nl
We would like to thank you very much in advance for your time and effort.
M.Wolf
University of Amsterdam (www.uva.nl)
The Netherlands
=
Dear... er... whatever,
Hey! We in Holland would like to ask you to... you to... er... to participate in a... well... study by the... er... University of Amsterdam. The... er... only subject of our study is the toxic effect of... of... um... blow... weed... reefer... I... I mean, cannabis, on clog-wearing tulipheads that sit around, quite utterly stoned out of their, er... poor tiny little brains, in 24-hour 'brown' canal cafes, continually smoking... um ... wait a moment, I'm quite tired... oh yeah, pot... eating sweet hash cakes (yummy) and posting off spam such as this. Like, er... I'm out of it, too! Totally heavy!
So if... um... if, er... interested, reply to: www.tiptoe-through-the-tulips.com.nl/
Peace, man! You have a nice day, OK!
M. Wolf,
Spliff Survey Team,
University of Amsterdam (www.uva.nl)
The Netherlands.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2001:
eq.1st - David Bourke with:
GODDARD MEMORIAL TRAIL TO BE DEDICATED JUNE 6
The Maurice Goddard Memorial Trail will be dedicated at 10 a.m. June 6 at the Camp Hill Borough Hall in Cumberland County. The four-mile walking and biking trail in Camp Hill Borough is being named for Goddard, a resident of Camp Hill, who was the first secretary of the state's Department of Forests and Waters. Goddard died in 1995 in a fire at his home. Speakers will include Caren Glotfelty, who holds the Maurice Goddard Chair in Forestry and Conservation at Penn State University; William Forrey, past director of the Bureau of Forestry; and Ernest Morrison, an author who is writing a biography of Goddard.
The trail begins at the Conodogoinuit Creek in Seibert Park, passes through the Camp Hill Bypass tunnel and travels south to Fiala Park.
For more information, contact Tom Sexton, Rails-to-Trails Conservancy, at 717 238-1717.
=
THE 'GOLDEN MO' AWARD
The first 'Maurice Goddard Award For Highly Mediocre Poetic Anagramming' shall be presented about June 19th. The winner receives a fabulous expenses-almost-paid, totally-action-filled trip to Molde to, in fact, meet, also touch, the good man too! Sort of. Perhaps. Perhaps not.
A choice 21 candidates for champion are:
Wayne 'Doofus' Baisley
David Bourke
Janet Burholt
Larry Brash
Don/Dan Fortier
Linda Garrett
Richard Grantham
David A. Green
Ernesto Guiraldes
Adrian Hickford
Mey Kraus
Lardy Girl
Tom Myers
Walter Newboldt
Martin Rand
Len Richards
Rick Rothstein
Spurs Kevin
Mick 'Irish' Tully
Sir William Tunstall-Pedoe
For a hint about how to tie... er... win it, catch me at 01695-778177 or toss off an e-mail to mgoddard@frisurf.no, stating in it if a boy or a girl, height, chest/bust profile, inside leg, etc.
I shall find a winner, to be announced Dec 31st.
Got that, dear?
Mo
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2001:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Dictaphone =
Hi-tech notepad.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Affirmation
by Savage Garden
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2001:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Connex South East to introduce toiletless trains =
Don't excrete, as this line's soon to cut out latrines.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - David Bourke with:
A wet snatch... ~
what a scent!
LONG CATEGORY, January 2002:
2nd - David Bourke with:
CLONING FEAR AS ARTHRITIS AFFECTS DOLLY
Dolly the cloned sheep has developed arthritis, amid fears that the cloning process is responsible for the early onset of the disease. Professor Ian Wilmut - who helped pioneer Dolly's birth - has said the process may have caused genetic defects. He has called for research to establish the impact of cloning on animal welfare. Cloning techniques may have to be refined to reduce the risk of genetic defects, he says.
=
Famed big-chested Country 'n' Western singer Dolly Parton has developed arthritis. Professor Kenny Rogers - who is, I feel, chiefly to blame for her celebrated musical successes - has said he hopes, in effect, to scientifically create a clone of the artist. This may raise a sense of the quite alarming prospect of these two obese, old-as-the-hills, high-heeled, top-heavy, deaf old trollops, hand-in-hand, face-to-face, screeching "D.I.V.O.R.C.E" and "Islands In The Stream". Help!!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2002:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
Princess Margaret is dead =
It's sad. (Grim reaper dances!)
LONG CATEGORY, February 2002:
3rd - David Bourke with:
In 1902 Frederick Opper created a comic about two Frenchmen who
couldn't get through a door without a frenzy of politeness:
'After you, my dear Alphonse.' 'No, after you, my dear Gaston.' They pretty much vanished after 1910 but the phrase 'Alphonse and Gaston' is still in the larger dictionaries as a term for two people showing extreme politeness to each other, like two baseball outfielders each deferring to the other and letting the ball fall between them.
=
Check out this true-life story:
Seems in about 1901/1902 two wordy naff old twits, Zoran and David, couldn't agree about who exactly should get the 'Nom' for:
Napoleon Bonaparte = "No, not appear on Elba." / "To appear on Elba, non?"
The latter gem, it was agreed, represented a slight style-shift, yet it seems the Chief 'Nom' Referee, Doctor Laurence Brash, chose instead to killfile the friggin' pair of them, thus awarding the trophy free to Mr. Michael Tully. ("Er, who he, the creep?")
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2002:
eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
Napoleon Bonaparte =
To appear on Elba, non?
LONG CATEGORY, April 2002:
1st - David Bourke with:
Microsoft ScanDisk
Because Windows was not properly shut down, one or more of your disk drives may have errors on it.
To avoid seeing this message again, always shut down your computer by selecting Shut Down from the Start menu.
ScanDisk is now checking drive C for errors:
=
Dear Mr Gates,
Thanks for being such a patronising twat. Seems the overlooked true reason ScanDisk's always used is your firm's 'Microsoft Windows' crashing, not viruses or that I don't even know how to close down my PC, you very-rich, moronic four-eyed scum pissbag weirdo nerd!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Here's some lesser-known World Records:
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Steve J Francis of Bexleyheath, England managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
=
SMALLEST BRAIN
The smallest one found is that of George W. Bush of Texas, USA, at around the size of a pea.
MOST MEN SLEPT WITH
1st: Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, with 18,972 over 29 years.
2nd: Farrokh Bulsara of Zanzibar (Freddie Mercury, Queen) with 17,281.
3rd: Zsa-Zsa Gabor (14,247).
(THE MOST WOMEN: A toss-up between k.d. lang and Melissa Etheridge.)
WIDEST BACKSIDE
A most ample arse can be found on Jennifer Lopez, with a nude width of 44.2 inches.
HUGEST NOSE
Barry Manilow at a fine 12 inches.
FUNNIEST EARS
Charles Windsor.
MOST TEDIOUS
Steve 'Interesting' Davis of Romford, UK.
MOST IRRITATING VOICE
David Beckham.
TINIEST BIT OF CUTIE-PIE FLUFF
Kylie Minogue.
DULLEST ACCENT
Nigel Mansell.
WORST-DRESSED
John McCririck (a horse-racing commentator).
WORST FATHER
Michael Jackson of Neverland.
MOST FULL-OF-SHIT
David Icke.
MOST RIDICULOUS MULLET
Michael Bolton.
LEAST FUNNY 'COMEDY ACT'
1st: Jim Davidson
2nd: Hale and Pace
MOST PATHETIC POP 'SINGER'
Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham.
MOST UNFORTUNATE NAME OF COCKNEY RHYMING-SLANG
Emma Freud
MOST FATUOUS TOAD
Tony Blair
LEAST HONEST
Jeffery Archer
BIGGEST EGO
Belongs to Dave Lee Roth of Pasadena. (A vocalist of 'Van Halen'.) It is, indeed, larger than Pasadena.
MOST VAIN, LIMP-WRISTED, FEMININE, SHIRTLIFTING NAFF OLD POUF
A tie: Graham Norton / Dale Winton
LOUDEST BAND
Spinal Tap. ("They go up to 11.")
HIGHEST GONADS
Jimi Somerville
LONGEST CRIMINAL RECORD
'Pictures At An Exhibition' (Emerson Lake and Palmer)
OLDEST BACHELOR
Cliff Richard (82)
FASTEST-FADED-AWAY DUFF POP DIVA
Mariah Carey (32)
TOUGHEST OLD TROUT
Dolly Parton
CHEAPEST WHORE
Divine Brown - from just 99 cents (around 71 and a half pence) for half an hour.
SILLIEST ACCIDENT WHEN SURFING
Pete Townshend of The Who. (Not only deaf...now dumb and blind too).
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Friendly Letter E
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2003:
eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
Chairman Mao Tse Tung =
A great communist? Nah!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2003:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Clare Short, the MP for Birmingham Ladywood, and the Secretary of State for International Development =
Apparently Tony Blair commented: "She's revolting! Tolerance for Saddam? Not me! Traitor! Off with her head!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Night
Before Christmas
LONG CATEGORY, April 2003:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction. "Shit," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of a bug was that?" "I dunno," he replied. "But did you see the size of the cock on it?!"
=
John Wayne Bobbitt was in the following car, chasing his wife, steering and shifting gear with one hand, staunching the stub's fresh new blood with the other. He found his dick down the road, stopped, reversed, picked it up, stuffed it in his trousers, then, dazed, drove it to hospital. But the doctor took it, and cut it in two. "Oh wow, doctor!" he said. "Even better to use in a three's up, huh?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2003:
3rd - David Bourke with:
'My Way' - Frank Sinatra
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Borderline case =
Reconsiderable.
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Used condoms =
So cum-sodden.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
"What To Do When Someone Dies: A Legal, Financial and Practical Guide" by Milton Berry Scott
=
A: Bury corpse.
B: Scan will.
C: Find a solicitor.
D: Negotiate all money.
E: Get that new diamond! Ha!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2003:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The flamenco guitarist Paco de Lucia =
Delicate, magical touch of true Spain.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The supersonic airplane Concorde =
Perilous, accident-prone? ONE crash.
LONG CATEGORY, October 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'The Bagpipe: A Complete Tutor With A Selection Of Irish And Scottish
Tunes' compiled and arranged by Pipe Major Bill Cleary
=
A: Calmly blow in it and fill it right up.
B: Prepare reed.
C: Attempt dismal screech.
D: In pain, go "och aye the noo!". (Or "bejasus!").
E: Stop it.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'Underneath The Arches' - Flanagan and Allen
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Walt Disney's 'Winnie The Pooh' =
Went to slide his paw in honey.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Baghdad, the capital of Iraq =
Big patch of Al-Qaida hatred.
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2003:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
Impotency drug Viagra =
Gigantic. (Am VERY proud!)
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Royals hold a miniature-size cute little baby, now named... ~
Lady Louise Alice Elizabeth Mary Mountbatten-Windsor.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2003:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The President of the United States of America,
George Walker Bush, and the Prime Minister of
Great Britain, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair
=
An ignorant, brainless, retard mercenary yank
buffoon together with his best chum (a little
pet poodle) remaining thereafter at his side.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - David Bourke with:
Scarlet women ~
screw men a lot.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The biography of George W. Bush from the
White House website.
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Meal for one ~
for me, alone.
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The US actor Benjamin Affleck ~
is a bereft man...he can't fuck J-Lo!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The National Association of Dog Obedience Instructors, Incorporated =
A resource to condition snarling Fido to be nice to those paranoid cats.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
Pure animal lust =
Natural impulse.
LONG CATEGORY, February 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Fourscore and seven years ago,
our fathers brought forth
on this continent a new nation,
conceived in liberty and dedicated
to the proposition that all men
are created equal.
-- A. Lincoln
=
Today, I have created for the nation,
a New Labour cult of overloaded spin,
cheating and deception, sheer arrogant
conceit, moronic nonsense, half-truths
and quite rotten lies.
-- Tony Blair
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
That is *a* way...another's ammo through his chest!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
The RSPCA (The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) =
If (in error) a vile person flattens your cat Sooty, they help to catch 'em!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
[A "two-dimensional" anagram using all the (non-blank) Scrabble®
tiles on a Scrabble® board, making a sentence as you follow the words from top-left
to bottom-right.]
AAAAAAAAA BB CC DDDD EEEEEEEEEEEE FF GGG
HH IIIIIIIII J K LLLL MM NNNNNN OOOOOOOO
PP Q RRRRRR SSSS TTTTTT UUUU VV WW X YY Z
=
(Opinion: Our square Scrabble boards are extreme,
too-crazed game places steady and tedious halfwits, we
all have, via fine fun, enjoying win with the ego OK).
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The President of The United States of America, George Walker Bush =
"Seek Bin Laden!" He set out after Osama, he screwed right up. Forget it!
LONG CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
I, George Walker Bush, do solemnly swear that
I will faithfully execute the office of President
of the United States and will, to the best of my
ability, preserve, protect, and defend the
Constitution of the United States
=
I, Tony Blair, swear I will ignore the wishes of
the electorate, veto, not listen, feed the media
tittle-tattle/hype, suck up to Bush, fix-up student
fees, defeat the lefties, and stuff Gordon Brown.
Democracy? Totally finished!
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
A domestic housecat =
Does it catch a mouse?
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The German neurologist Dr Alois Alzheimer =
Memories going, lost in a rather dull... er... haze.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The Empire State Building, New York City =
Incredible imagery - it went up to the sky!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2004:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
"I think I did something for the worst possible reason
- just because I could. I think that's the most, just
about the most morally indefensible reason that anybody
could have for doing anything. When you do something
just because you could. I've thought about it a lot.
And there are lots of more sophisticated explanations,
more complicated psychological explanations. But none
of them are an excuse. Only a fool does not look to
explain his mistakes." - William Jefferson Clinton
=
"Yes, I do confess I *did* stoop to enjoy extra-marital
sexual relations in the office with 'that' loose woman
Monica Lewinsky. I did put cigars up in places that I
just shouldn't, too. But did NOT inhale. Oh God, I'm so
sorry to my beloved Hillary for the embarrassment that
I caused to her, and Chelsea too. I just feel a thoughtless
buffoon. Totally unacceptable. Most inexcusable. On oath,
next time I see Monica, kecks on, no bonking. Oh goodness,
no no no!! - I'll just be happy to give her a mouthful."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Celebration - Kool & the Gang
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Victoria Sellers ~
reveals clitoris.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
"I think I did something for the worst possible reason
- just because I could. I think that's the most, just
about the most morally indefensible reason that anybody
could have for doing anything. When you do something
just because you could. I've thought about it a lot.
And there are lots of more sophisticated explanations,
more complicated psychological explanations. But none
of them are an excuse. Only a fool does not look to
explain his mistakes."
- William Jefferson Clinton
=
I toppled Saddam Hussein "just because I could". That's
the best excuse I can think of. OK, so no major "weapons
of mass destruction" were found, exactly. Many U.S.
military innocently lost their lives to buy oil. So? I
feel Baghdad is now a safer place. No, I haven't thought
it through at all. Others did. It seems to them that the
only possible explanation's that I'm congenitally one damn
'stoopid' fool. Officially moronic in the extreme. A drunk
lunatic joke. Out soon, no job. Boo hoo!
- George Bush
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Presidential election =
Select the perennial idiot!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The English wartime singer Dame Vera Margaret Lynn =
Damn Germans hate her very stirring "We'll Meet Again"!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
"Mr William Tunstall-Pedoe! I am your biggest fan!" =
"Swell! I'm a little bit proud of my Anagram Genius!"
LONG CATEGORY, September 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The book 'The Haynes Workshop Manual: Woman.
Age 16 years to 21 recurring. All models, shapes, sizes and colours
- The practical guide to women's health for men'
=
How to:
- Chat her up.
- Undo bra.
- Grease nipples.
- Wash undercarriage.
- Oil 'G-zone'.
- Fill any holes / marks.
- Make the slut scream: "OOH! AH!! YES!!!" (Needs own tool - at most 12-16 cm.)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Piano Man
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
To boldly go where no man has gone before... =
Fella woos her, no bra... go to bed, hymen gone!
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
The cosmetic dental practitioner =
I implant nice teeth at record cost.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The singer Tina Turner =
Rather uninteresting.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
A Christmas number one ~
means abhorrent music.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender says, "But you're a duck."
"Yep, that is very true," says the duck.
"And you talk, too!" exclaims the bartender."
"Indeed I do," says the duck, "I'd like a large beer, and one of your finest sandwiches."
"Certainly," says the bartender, "it's just we don't get to see too many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around these parts?"
"I'm working for a builder in this area," replies the duck.
So then the duck has his beer and sandwich, pays up and leaves.
One day, the ringleader of a circus comes into the pub, and the bartender tells him about his clever friend, the talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "ask him to come over and see me."
The next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, you're in luck. I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "where?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?"
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"That place with all those animals? With the great big tent?"
"Yes, that's right," says the bartender.
The duck looks confused.
"So what do they want with a plasterer?"
=
A man, a flamingo, and a black cat enter a bar. The man says to the bartender: "Hey, I'd like a bottle of Bud!" The flamingo says: "Ooh, you know, I'd just LOVE a pina colada, please sir, if that's not too much trouble." The cat cussed: "Hey! I want a double scotch whisky. Buckshee. Heck, I sure ain't paying! And hurry, OK!" The bartender was utterly speechless!
The next night, these same three characters venture back in. The man orders a Bud, the flamingo a pina colada, and the cat a scotch, curtly adding: "Hey! Damn sure I AIN'T paying, OK!" Rather shocked, surprised, and pretty perturbed, the bartender can't contain his curiosity, and asks about these creatures (the bird and the very rude pesky cat).
"OK..." the customer says, "...I was out on the links yesterday, when I missed a shot, well crooked into the bushes. I went to retrieve the ball, there was this hundred-year old muddy bottle lying there. As I opened it - 'Eureka!' - out came this genie, who expressed he'd grant any wish I desired."
"Like, sure buddy! Heck, just what did you ask for?"
Red-eyed, he answers: "A pretty cultured bird with very long legs and a dark, tight pussy!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
'Do They Know It's Christmas?' - Band Aid
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The tsunami disaster =
Asians muttered "SHIT!"
LONG CATEGORY, December 2004:
3rd - David Bourke with:
"...Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns. Oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say 'No, Hoyt' and talk to him like a dog..."
"Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth. She tried to make her lips move in sync with his. The next thing she knew, Hoyt had put his hand sort of under her thigh and hoisted her leg up over his thigh. What was she to do? Was this the point she should say, 'Stop!'? No, she shouldn't put it that way. It would be much cooler to say, 'No, Hoyt,' in an even voice, the way you would talk to a dog that insists on begging at the table..."
"...moan moan moan moan moan..."
=
Throb! Oh, how erotic! Oh, how passionate! Oh, how hot! Oh, tosh! Utter tosh. Three astonishingly pathetic "highlights", thanks to the American author Tom Wolfe's
novel 'I Am Charlotte Simmons', the winner this year of the "Bad Sex In Fiction Awards", (behind it, London's 'The Literary Review'), the purpose of which is: "...to draw the attention to the crude, the tasteless, the often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it".
The New York-based author, then, wins champagne with that joke Oscar-style statuette thingumajiggy, although the bonking laughing-stock shall not receive them, as he has sheepishly declined his invitation to the winners ceremony night this month. "How thoughtless! Now he's the only one ever to do that", said a helpful spokesperson.
(Uh, by the way, that big, long, hard "O"-word, though, just meant "anything that's to do with the ear, the nose and the throat")
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - David Bourke with:
How The Grinch Stole Christmas!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
A Peter Cook/Dudley Moore sketch
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
I just came in my sleep =
Untimely jism escape!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
In rehabilitation ~
I halt inebriation.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The singer Madonna Louise Ciccone =
Do me a continual screeching noise!
LONG CATEGORY, February 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
"I, George Walker Bush, do solemnly swear that
I will faithfully execute the office of President
of the United States and will, to the best of my
ability, preserve, protect, and defend the
Constitution of the United States."
=
Detestable dense twit: "I intend to:
- Misuse my power
- Use oil resources fiftyfold. Plenty left.
- Invade Iran, then North Korea... so what the hell!
- Execute the gays
- Stuff that sweet little old Condi Rice
- Puff that big fat doobie."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
Slough
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Personalised number plates =
Barred name spells out PEN15.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The singer and blues guitarist Eric Clapton =
Regrets cocaine... but still standing up, I hear!
LONG CATEGORY, March 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
"I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics, a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's." - Mark Twain
=
Many, many core voters in America now feel, in President George Walker Bush, is in fact, a testament to this view. An ignorant, top-rank moron... no question!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Afroman - 'Because I Got High'
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The typical blonde-haired woman =
On the whole, rated incapably dim.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
His Holiness Pope Benedict =
Ich bin ein hopeless despot.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Queen will miss the civil wedding of Prince Charles
and Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8th, Buckingham Palace
has confirmed. As the prince and Mrs Parker Bowles wished
to keep the occasion a "low-key" affair, the Queen would
honour their plans and stay away, the palace said. But the
sovereign intends to join the congregation at a church
blessing service led by the Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan
Williams in St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle, following
the civil wedding, the spokesman added.
=
The 8 vital reasons Prince Charles is quite happy to wed
Camilla Parker Bowles:
- Posh, intelligent, has whole character, advanced wit
...yet she's cheap!
- Accepts won't be Queen.
- Martin Bashir has no interest in interviewing her.
- Elton John won't be doing a piece about her fast.
- Doesn't listen to Duran Duran/Wham!/Phil Collins CDs
- Won't be producing half-siblings for William/Harry.
- Ravaged, craggy, pachyderm-faced, looks decomposed.
- Lewd, wicked... bangs like a shithouse door in a gale.
(She'll make Chuck a fine wife!)
LONG CATEGORY, May 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
George Galloway:
"All your lies have come back to haunt you.
The best thing the Labour party could do is
sack you tomorrow morning... New Labour
plumbed new depths in this campaign."
=
Bethnal Green and Bow Muslim Holy War:
With much courage, a cheeky Respect Party
loudmouth beats unpopular old cow Oona King,
gives a bloody nose to Tony "Liar" Blair,
the smug git.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Germans' - Noël Coward [version I]
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The former child actor Macaulay Carson Culkin =
Outcry, alarm, and rancour... Michael felt his cock!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - David Bourke with:
Iraq oil + arms trade =
Al-Qaida terrorism.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Germans' - Noël Coward [version II]
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Giant testicles ~
testing elastic.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - David Bourke with:
The American singer Sheryl Crow =
Why Lance Armstrong is cheerier
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Federation of Bakers =
I often eat fresh bread, OK!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - David Bourke with:
Wallace and Gromit: The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit =
Blast the unwelcome big-eared raw carrot thief!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Margaret Thatcher is now eighty years old =
Sad geriatric Tory here. (The ghastly woman!)
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Medical Research Council =
"Ah, sod the mice, I'll cure cancer!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Germans' - Noël Coward [version III]
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Colombian creep =
Cocaine problem.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The new leader of the Conservative Party, David William Donald Cameron =
Onward, after Michael Howard's malevolence, deviation, and petty drivel!
LONG CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - David Bourke with:
(after Larry Brash)
John is getting married to the girl of his dreams, Wendy. He decides to surprise her with a very special wedding present. His gift is to have a tattoo... her name on his penis.
John goes off to a tattooist, who explains that this might be a bit painful
and that he can only undertake this if John has an erection. He nervously
agrees to go ahead, as he is so much in love with Wendy. He takes the
pain and soon it is done, with "WENDY" on the shaft of his male member.
After his penis is flaccid, John notices that he can see just the first letter
of her name, a "W", and last letter, a "Y", as the middle letters are in the
folds of his skin.
=
John and his bride go on their honeymoon to the West Indies.
They get off the plane at Jamaica. John's in dire need of the
toilet. When he's at the urinal to relieve himself, this fit,
six-feet-three, West Indian fellow enters and starts to urinate.
John, having heard it said that black men are "large chaps",
looks down and gasps as he sees that the other man has "W"
and "Y" on his shaft.
He nervously addresses the chap,
"The tattoo...it's like mine! I'd guess...perhaps your girl's
Wendy too, right?", stretching his penis to show him it.
"Ah no, mon! See - it's different. If it's stiff, it's:
WELCOME TO THE REPUBLIC OF JAMAICA AND HAVE A NICE DAY!"
=
"Ha ha ha! Thanks indeed! Pleased to meet you, sir!" said John.
"Ah fine...yo's welcome!" replied the rastaman. "I and I is
Everton...Everton Green. Hey, yo name is?"
"Oh, it's John...John Williams", he replied, doing-up his flies.
Then after (the first evening), John and his sexy, sophisticated
trouble-and-strife went off to shag, to consummate their marriage.
Unknown to him, Wendy had had her initials discreetly tattooed
onto her oh-so-perfect arse...the left and the right buttocks.
Oh, imagine it! What a fantastic sight is this!
John, stiffening fast, he was fascinated, speechless, to realise
that as she bent over, that this spelled "WOW"!
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Europeans =
One up the arse.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The first lesson on guitar =
It hurts one's fingers a lot!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
French face-transplant patient Isabelle Dinoire =
Perfect nose, neater chin and lips...a brilliant feat!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The late aviation businessman Sir Frederick Alfred Laker =
Silver-haired saint of landmark bucket-seat airliner fees.
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2006:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
A neatly-trimmed pussy... ~
and I'm supremely tasty!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Gary Glitter gets three years in a Vietnamese prison =
"I try some very tight pre-teenage Eastern Asian girls!"
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
President Slobodan Milosevic, "The Butcher of the Balkans" =
Devil takes the scum responsible for an ethnic bloodbath.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
George W. Bush:
"America is a friend to the people of Iraq. Our demands are directed only at the regime that enslaves them and threatens us. When these demands are met, the first and greatest benefit will come to Iraqi men, women and children."
=
"The post-Nine-Eleven terrorism threat? The challenge of finding bin Laden's headquarters and defeating Al Qaida? No, screw 'em! Remember...war, it comes down to greed...cheaper oil for the United States. What a shame they misunderestimated me!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
New Woman's 100 Sexiest Men in the World 2006:
1st Brad Pitt
2nd Jake Gyllenhaal
3rd Orlando Bloom
4th Johnny Depp
5th Clive Owen
6th Jose Mourinho
7th Shayne Ward
8th Daniel Craig
9th Simon Jones
10th Olivier Martinez
11th George Clooney
12th Thierry Henry
13th Robbie Williams
14th David Beckham
15th Jude Law
16th Josh Holloway
17th Adam Brody
18th Pete Doherty
19th Alex Zane
20th David Tennant
21st Gavin Henson
22nd Heath Ledger
23rd Leonardo Di Caprio
24th Joaquin Phoenix
25th Prince William
26th Preston
27th Matthew Fox
28th Jonny Wilkinson
29th Jamie Foxx
30th Vince Vaughn
31st Hugh Grant
32nd Freddie Ljungberg
33rd Vernon Kaye
34th Colin Farrell
35th Dermot OÕleary
36th Justin Timberlake
37th Ewan Mcgregor
38th Fabio Moretti
39th Ashton Kutchner
40th Usher
41st Jason Statham
42nd Eminem
43rd Keanu Reeves
44th Matthew Mcconaughey
45th Owen Wilson
46th Viggo Mortensen
47th Matt Le Blanc
48th James Cracknell
49th Antonio Banderas
50th Calum Best
51st Tom Cruise
52nd Ralph Fiennes
53rd Goran Visnijic
54th Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff
55th Will Smith
56th Prince Harry
57th Naveen Andrews
58th Sean Penn
59th Brandon Flowers
60th Colin Firth
61st Simon Webbe
62nd Pierce Brosnan
63rd Jean Christoph Novelli
64th Michael Owen
65th Gael Garcia Bernal
66th Carl Barat
67th Mick Jagger
68th Steve Jones
69th Jason Lee
70th Cillian Murphy
71st Max Beesley
72nd Paul Bettany
73rd Matt James
74th Nigel Harman
75th Jonathan Ross
76th Lee Ryan
77th Richard Fleeshman
78th Jamie Oliver
79th Steven Gerrard
80th Damien Lewis
81st Anthony Head
82nd Jason Orange
83rd Andrew Lincoln
84th Jody Latham
85th James Mcavoy
86th Daniel Radcliffe
87th Patrick Dempsey
88th Robert Webb
89th Adrien Brody
90th Johnny Knoxville
91st Paul Walker
92nd David Cameron
93rd James Blunt
94th Russell Crowe
95th Ashley Cole
96th Colin Murray
97th Ben Shephard
98th Will Young
99th Gordon Ramsay
100th Alex Turner
=
Now the hundred most dead-gorgeous, sexy women 2006... true VIP "Top Totty":
1st Natalie Imbruglia
2nd Anna Kournikova
3rd Helena Christensen
4th Halle Berry
5th Kate Beckinsale
6th J-Lo
7th Helena Bonham-Carter
8th Penelope Cruz
9th Elle Macpherson
10th Jennifer Aniston
11th Pamela Anderson
12th Angelina Jolie
13th Cameron Diaz
14th Sophie Ellis-Bextor
15th Barbara Schett
16th Emma Major
17th Norah Jones
18th Thandie Newton
19th Jade Jagger
20th Victoria Beckham
21st Kylie Minogue
22nd Avril Lavigne
23rd Sharon Stone
24th Andy McDowell
25th Ms Dynamite
26th Mya
27th Minnie Driver
28th Gwen Stefani
29th Dido
30th Carol Vorderman
31st Beverley Craven
32nd Sheryl Crow
33rd Uma Thurman
34th Isabelle Dinoir
35th Naomi Campbell
36th Joss Stone
37th Jamie-Lee Curtis
38th Lulu
39th Olivia Newton-John
40th Enya
41st Drew Barrymore
42nd Gabby Logan
43rd Alex Kingston
44th Fifi-Trixibelle Geldof
45th Bonnie Langford
46th Twiggy
47th Geri Halliwell
48th Joanna Lumley
49th Samantha Fox
50th Emma Bunton
51st Goldie Hawn
52nd Jemima Khan
53rd Patsy Palmer
54th Exene Cervenka
55th Jennifer Warnes
56th Sara Cox
57th Winona Ryder
58th Stevie Nicks
59th Cheryl Ladd
60th J.K. Rowling
61st P.J. Harvey
62nd Jerry Hall
63rd Madonna
64th Demi Moore
65th Davina McCall
66th Cher
67th Mel Brown
68th Mel Chisholm
69th Monica Lewinsky
70th Whoopi Goldberg
71st Courtney Love
72nd Divine Brown
73rd Jane Fonda
74th Sophie Wessex
75th Joan Collins
76th Steffi Graf
77th H.R.H. Her Majesty The Queen
78th Wendy Richard
79th/80th Trinny/Susannah
81st Rose West
82nd Janice Long
83rd Joan Rivers
84th Tessa Jowell MP
85th Sally Gunnell
86th Victoria Wood
87th Lindsay Davenport
88th Jordan
89th Ruby Wax
90th Dawn French
91st Jenna Bush
92nd H.R.H. Princess Anne
93rd Clare Balding
94th Jo Brand
95th P.M. Margaret Thatcher
96th Huffty
97th Janet Street-Porter
98th Ann Widdecombe MP
99th Camilla Windsor
100th Cherie Booth
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
She has a nice personality =
Any acne? Halitosis? Herpes?
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The vocalist Celine Marie Claudette Dion =
Canadians love the mediocre little cutie!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
'My Way' - Frank Sinatra
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Spanish team Barcelona =
The champions beat Arsenal
LONG CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.2nd - David Bourke with:
The former singer of The Beatles, Sir Paul McCartney,
and his spouse Heather Mills are separating, after
four years of marriage
=
The geriatric performer fears she may prepare fresh,
sure-fire alimony claims...but I fear, as a rule,
she hasn't got a leg to stand on!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
80 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Queen Elizabeth
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Monday's child
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Miss Ann Coulter =
Nastier columns
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
=
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
Sir Paul McCartney files for divorce from Heather =
Too-rich Liverpudlian's free from a crafty schemer!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Berlin Olympiastadion =
Played on Hitler's ambition.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Dan Quayle: "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change" =
A quote even fellow bonehead Dubya (a decided mercenary war-criminal terrormonger) couldn't have said better!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
"If an infinite number of monkeys randomly hit the keys of an infinite number of typewriters, they would eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare" =
If President Bush spoke for an infinite amount of time, would *even he* finally make perfect sense? For me, worth a try...yet pretty unlikely, IMHO...he's a drunken cowboy!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Devil
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The American President, George Bush, and the British PM, Tony Blair. =
Greedy, bible-thumping prominent Christians here: "Death to Arabs!"
LONG CATEGORY, August 2006:
3rd - David Bourke with:
A woman went into the doctor's surgery in order to hear the results back of all her health tests.
"Why, do take a seat, please" said the doctor, opening up her medical file, and reading it.
"Ah yes, Mrs Smith.. the doctor continued, "...I think that you've got acute angina."
~
"Thank you! How sweet!" declared Mrs Smith, emotional. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!", getting au naturel.
Looking up horrified at her in no attire, her arse and pussy, the old doctor, bug-eyed, his face contorted, collapsed with a heart attack!
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Pointless existences =
Penis, testicles, no sex.
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The International Gender Dysphoria Association =
One poor sod. Hairy arse, ten-inch genitalia...and tits!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - David Bourke with:
The KGB's former agent Alexander Litvinenko =
Kremlin revenge: Toxin breakfast, long death.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
eq3rd - David Bourke with:
[WARNING CONTAINS A LOT OF SWEAR WORDS AND SEXUAL REFERENCES]
A pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is walking the streets of Soho. In Dean Street he sees a cocktail bar with a sign saying: 'Jazz pianist wanted'.
"Fucking hell, get in there, you cunt!" he says to himself, and enters. "Get the fucking manager of this turdhole, you bollockbrained cocksucking cunt!" he says to the barman, who obliges, and the manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you?" he says to the pianist. "Yes you can, you fat piece of shit! I saw your poxy ad in the cunting window and I'm here to audition. Bloody tosser!"
The manager is put off by the man's rather discourteous manner, but his urgent need for a pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune is a very uplifting jazzy number, and at the end, the barman says "Wonderful! What's that one called?"
"That's called Excuse Me Sir But I Just Jizzed In Your Wife's Eye".
"Oh! Very well..." says the manager "Can you play something a little less lively?"
"Motherfucking twat!" says the pianist to himself, under his breath, before playing a ballad which leaves the manager in tears, as he asks him the title.
"That one's When You Do A Bird Up The Shitbox You'll Get Crap On Your Nob-End".
"I see..." says the manager, "And, er...do you have any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well, you stupid cunting prick...", he says, "there's always my mellow jazz number "Do You Want Me To Split Your Ringpiece?"...or even "I Don't Fucking Care If You're Sixty, You've Still Got Very Nice Jugs, Grandmother".
"Look..." says the manager, "You're a superb pianist, but your titles are a bit racy. I'll hire you on one condition...that you don't introduce your songs, and don't speak to the audience at all".
"Oh fuck it..." says the pianist, "Why not!".
The first night, everything is going superbly, and all the crowd are lapping up his repertoire. The only thing putting the pianist off is a quite utterly gorgeous blonde lady in a little black evening dress with a split up the side, revealing the top of her silk stockings, and a plunging neckline showing all her ample cleavage. At the break, the pianist has such a stonking hard-on that he goes to the john and knocks one out. Just as he comes, he hears himself being re-introduced, and so rushes back and finishes his set.
After the show the blonde comes over. "Hi!"' she says. "Hello" he replies...and she whispers in his ear "Do you know your cock is hanging out and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
"Know it...?", he says, "I fucking wrote it!"
=
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China, in Shanghai, and the place is just packed to the rafters. He plays 'Part Time Lover' and 'Ebony And Ivory', but to only lukewarm, awkward applause. In a bid to break the ice, the soul legend asks if anyone has a request. One Chinese fellow jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "You play a jazz chord!"
Shocked that this guy knew about the Fifties/early Sixties influences in his career, the blind musician nods, and starts, with gentle keystrokes, to play a sweeping E-minor scale on the piano with a moody, ethereal fretless bass accompaniment, then subtly swaying, goes into a beguiling, bluesy Ray Charles- style melody for about ten deliriously intense minutes, interspersing it with abstract reggae-tinged harmonic counterpoint, unusually-intricate myxolydian scales, excerpts from 'Songs In The Key Of Life', 'Talking Book', etc. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. However, when the thunderous applause dies down, the Chinese chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No no! You play a jazz chord!"
A little bit cheesed-off by this time, but being the true professional entertainer that you know he is, our sightless genius and his superb band dive straight into a staggeringly difficult, free-form improvisation with Stevie on the harmonica, based around 'Superstition' in the B-flat diminished-seventh chord, gradually segueing into 'Uptight (Everything's Alright)' and other chart- topping tunes from his back-catalogue such as 'Masterblaster', a tender 'My Cherie Amour', a keen 'Living For The City', and a raucous, boneshaking 'Sir Duke' on his huge Yamaha synthesiser...and Stevie really tears the place apart, the multi-coloured beads in his hair swinging around in the spotlight.
The exuberant crowd go bonkers again, but still the little Chinese guy jumps up yet again and shouts, more frantically now, "No no no! You play a jazz chord!"
By now, Stevie's utterly hacked-off, and cantankerously shouts "Hey you! Misstra Know-It-All! Enough's enough, OK! Why don't you get right up here and show me how to do it better yourself, you annoying little slanty- eyed yellow-skinned chinky monkey?"
"Sure!" says the Chinese guy. He gets up onto the stage, takes the microphone, and says "No, rook! Rike this, you see...", then starts singing:
"...a jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
eq2nd - David Bourke with:
General Pinochet is dead =
A Chilean's ego-trip ended.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2006:
eq3rd - David Bourke with:
The Democrats' American Presidential candidate, Hillary Rodham Clinton =
A cold militant dictator...hence her old man's a dirty amnesiac philanderer!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - David Bourke with:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The Iams Company =
My cat's main hope!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Director Michael Winner facing amputation after holiday illness =
"Oh, calm down dear, it's only an artificial leg! (If 'the insurance' permit!)".
LONG CATEGORY, January 2007:
2nd - David Bourke with:
A doctor is attending the scene of a very nasty-looking accident in Basildon, Essex, where he sees this girl badly injured at the side of the road, her head against the pavement, lying in a pool of blood.
"Now, my love..." the doctor asks her, "...where are you bleeding from?"
"I'm from Romford, innit..." said the girl, "...and wossat fackin' gotta do wiv you, anyways?"
=
A randy Essex girl, Tracie, of South Woodham Ferrers, began driving home late one night, stops the car, and affectionately asked her moronic boyfriend 'Dodgy Dave' if he'd like to kiss her somewhere that was "Nice and wet and very smelly".
He said "No darling," in his opinion, it "...was just way too late for them to be going out to bloody Canvey Island!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Tale Of Peter Rabbit
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Tony Blair: "A new stadium? ~
Rome wasn't built in a day!"
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
William Henry Gates and Melinda French =
Really damn rich gentleman and his wife.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The former Baywatch actress Pamela Denise Anderson-Lee =
Oh, we men admire her ace breasts (and a perfect ass!) on telly.
LONG CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Heather Mills-McCartney has been dropped by the animal rights charity group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)
=
The mega-filthy-rich former Beatle Paul happy to hear his once bedtime partner, the "asymmetrical cripple" hasn't a leg to stand on!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
The long-playing record 'Dark Side of the Moon' =
Another old Pink Floyd gem...Roger's on the acid!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Sydney Mardi Gras =
They may dress in drag.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Immensely thankful, touched, proud, astonished, abashed =
Aha! Pasternak indeed hushed by the foul old Communists!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2007:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Labour Party's leadership election =
Replace Tony Blair, the stupid arsehole!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists ~
help irrational nutcases and crazy fools get well. Sanity ahead!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
PM Tony Blair's resignation speech =
Phenomenal ego-trip by narcissist.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. =
Proved by Tony Blair (at the long, monotonous "Adieu!" monologue) that that's the bona-fide truth!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school, when they were in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the meaning of the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious Labour leader asked the class to give him an example of tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend who lives on a farmyard is playing in the field and some tractor runs him over and kills him then that would be a tragedy".
"Actually, no," said Blair, "...that would just be an accident."
One little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff killing everybody inside would that be a tragedy, then?"
"No, I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's just what we would call a great loss. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.
"Look, is there not someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the classroom, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "Please sir...if the airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown completely to smithereens that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's absolutely right. And can you please tell me why that would be a tragedy, young man?"
"Well," says the boy, "...it has to be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"
=
One day Tony Blair, who was out jogging along the side of a river, accidentally fell backwards from the bank, and, alas, crashed headfirst downwards into the cold waters.
Three schoolboys playing by the river saw the accident. Without a second thought, the boys waded into the water and pulled the careless Prime Minister out of the river, soaking wet. After drying himself off and cleaning himself up, an ashamed and rather embarrassed Blair breathlessly
exclaimed to the schoolmates: "Well done, boys! Today, you saved the life of the elected Right Honourable Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland...a heroic, unselfish achievement! It's extremely important that you all get a reward...you each deserved it. You name it, and
I shall give it to you!"
"Well, I'd like some new trainers...some Nike Air Turbos," the first boy said.
"Of course. I shall go and buy them myself. In fact, allow me to present them to you in my Downing Street headquarters!" gabbled the grateful Blair.
The second boy said, excitedly, "Please Tony, I'd very much like a ticket to go on vacation in Disneyland Florida!"
"Fantastic! I shall personally hand it to you," said Mr. Blair, beaming.
"I want a wheelchair" said the third boy.
"Certainly! No problems, I shall personally get one, and...like, just a minute...you're not handicapped!", Blair exclaimed, aghast.
"Well, no...but I will be when my dad finds out that I saved you from drowning, you useless little bastard!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
Breastfeeding in public places =
Presenting babies a filled C-cup!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - David Bourke with:
America
by Samuel F. Smith
My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!
=
I'd die for mighty Scotland,
My fiery, haggis-fueled land,
Of Robert Burns fame...
Tartan, fifes, Simple Minds,
Unemployment, thrift,
Distilleries everywhere...
Wee dram time? Och aye the noo!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
My Favorite Things
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2007:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The Canadian male prostitute Jeffrey Chevalier =
An oil chief ejaculated in my fat arse, the pervert!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2007:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The late Lady Diana Frances Spencer (The Princess of Wales) =
Farewell! Pay this enchantress final respects, a decade on.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2007:
2nd - David Bourke with:
St Pancras International =
Trans-continental a Paris!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - David Bourke with:
Britney Spears lost her virginity at fourteen years old =
Noisy stereotype trailer-trash duly given a first boner!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - David Bourke with:
Britney Spears loses the custody of her two children =
Total psycho-witch, she surrenders boys to Federline.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2008:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Illinois Democrat senator, Barack Hussein Obama =
A black icon has ideas to terminate serial moron Bush.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2008:
1st - David Bourke with:
The National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors =
One-and-only deal: Collect dead one, stuff it in hearse, and inter it. RIP.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2008:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Baroness Margaret Hilda Thatcher leaves hospital =
Heartless old hag has a heart implant, recovers a bit.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2008:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Queen's guitarist Brian May =
I'm a brainy quartet's genius!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2008:
2nd - David Bourke with:
General, Entertainment, Topical, Peoples Names, Other Names, Medium, Challenge, Long, Special and Rude =
Sheer Nonsense, Name-Calling, Generated-on-Computer, Tedium, Appalling, Real Lame, and Complete Shite.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2008:
3rd - David Bourke with:
1. Meyran Kraus
2. Tony Crafter
3. Andrew Brehaut
4. David Bourke
5. Ellie Dent
6. Rick Rothstein
7. Rosie Perera
8. Scott Gardner
9. Richard Grantham
10. Adie Pena
11. Larry Brash
12. Christopher Sturdy
13. View
14. Neil Ramsay
15. Toby Gottfried
16. Paul Pan
17. Mike Keith
18. Adrian Hickford
19. Jesse Frankovich
20. Zoran Radisavlevic
=
1. Jew respects
2. Wit of a banker
3. Chunderer
4. Rochester retard
5. A dignified dear
6. Barmitzvah boy
7. The lady vicar
8. Ordinary
9. Antipode
10. Rotund Filipino
11. Shrink
12. Pustastic!
13. Another Israeli
14. Husband? Och aye!
15. Virtual introvert
16. Greek firecracker
17. Math yank
18. Alpha merrymaker
19. Gross nerd
20. Dark Slav
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2008:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent =
End of the stylish genius, ever an artisan.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2008:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The tennis player Rafael Nadal =
A really neat Spain left-hander!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The President of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama =
After that demented sonofabitch Bush is out, a peacemaker is arisen!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2008:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Republicans' American presidential candidates =
McCain and Palin unite - a predictable sheer disaster!
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2008:
1st - David Bourke with:
An erect phallus =
A prelate's lunch.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2008:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Who will be elected as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America? =
No difference to me. At least Bush is out, hyperfast...farewell to the wretched idiot!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - David Bourke with:
Newcastle University =
Lectures invite yawns
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2008:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The outgoing President of the United States of America, George Walker Bush =
Guess *I'd* like to throw a shoe at the stupid bugger. An offence? Interrogate me!
LONG CATEGORY, December 2008:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Donald Rumsfeld, United States Secretary of Defense, is giving President
George W. Bush his daily White House war briefing. He speaks for twenty
minutes, and he concludes by saying: "I regret to have to break this very
unfortunate news to you...I have just received a message that yesterday
three Brazilian support personnel deployed in Helmand, southern Afghanistan,
were attacked and killed in action, following ferocious fighting and an explosion
at an American forces checkpoint. They stood no chance at all."
"What the heck? Oh, hell no!" President Bush gasped, horrified. "Oh god,
how awful! How wicked! That's absolutely terrible! Why, ahm appalled...
truly devastated! Poor guys!"
The President's people just sit in the corners and watch helplessly, shocked at
his uncharacteristic display of emotion. The choked President sits practically
motionless, with his head buried in his hands, as though deep in thought.
However, after about fifteen minutes of this, a tearful President Bush finally looks
back up, and he says to the Secretary of Defense, "Yo, Don! So, smart Alec!
Tell me...how many actually IS a brazillion?"
=
The United States Vice-President, Richard B. Cheney, gets
an urgent telephone call from the president, George W. Bush.
"Yo, Dick, y'all!" says Bush, "...ahm afraid ah've got me a little
bit of a problem, can ya'll come around now?"
"Why, sir? What's up, sir?" replies Cheney.
"Well, ya know ya'll told me that ah should keep mahself nice
and busy when in the Oval Office?"
"Yessir...now that I sure did, sir!"
"...so ah did like ya'll said, and ah went and got me this little jigsaw
puzzle, but for the life of me now, ah can't fit none of the pieces
together, and neither can ah find any of the dang edges at all."
"And could I ask what it's supposed to be a picture of, sir?" says Cheney.
"It's supposed to be a big old rooster" replies the American president.
"Alright, sir..." sighs Cheney, wearily. "...I'll come around to you right
now and have a look at it for you, sir!". He then leaves his office and
rushes over to the Oval, where President Bush is sat, pointing at the desk,
with a frustrated expression on his face. Cheney glances at the hundreds
of pieces on the desk, and turns to President Bush and says, "For crying
out loud, sir! Why don't you just put all them Cornflakes back into the packet?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2008:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The Night Before Christmas
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2008:
eq2nd - David Bourke with:
A shorter penis =
Another pisser!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2009:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The former President of the United States of America, George W. Bush =
A "misunderestimated" cretin buggers off...after the others. Whoopee!!
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Weight gain ~
with ageing.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi =
Enemies vilify this most corrupt billionaire.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2009:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Chastity Bono =
A snooty bitch.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2009:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The British Association of Anger Management =
IT HAS TO SO BENEFIT MAN IN A HOT SCREAMING RAGE!!!!!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2009:
2nd - David Bourke with:
"In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them." - Aldo Leopold
=
An Annual Sniff
Oh Pansy, henna, a common daisy,
One gorgeous rosebed, opened late.
Jasmine, belladonna drives one crazy,
And her clematis I shall stimulate.
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - David Bourke with:
An arse bandit ~
tried bananas.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - David Bourke with:
The astronauts Neil Alden Armstrong, Edwin Eugene Aldrin and Michael Collins =
Lunar landing under Mission Control - America went silent..."The Eagle has landed!"
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2009:
3rd - David Bourke with:
They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.
=
Oh, my good anagram 'net friends,
It's time, I fear, we faced,
The solitary, lonely hours and hours,
On poems here that we waste!
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2009:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The singer Michael Jackson, and Debbie Rowe =
To breed beige child, he wanks 'n' comes in a jar.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - David Bourke with:
Caster Semenya =
Yes, a secret man!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
Obese passengers to be charged double to fly with Air France =
Sarah Ferguson got considerably clobbered with a steep fee!
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2010:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The Remington lady's electric shaver =
It is clear...her snatch gently removed!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Singer Lady Gaga =
Already sagging!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
Waitrose Cashmere Toilet Paper =
There to wipe a most special rear!
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
TENA ladies' incontinence pads ~
contain and seal pee incidents.
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - David Bourke with:
A memorial stone: ~
"No more time, alas!"
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Liberal Democrats' manifesto =
"Hot damn! Let's fabricate more lies!"
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The golfer Tiger Woods finishes in fourth place at the Masters in Augusta =
It's a par first game round though...seeing he was a little stiff on the course!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Corporal Clegg had a medal too
In orange, red and blue
He found it in the zoo
Corporal Clegg received his medal in a dream
From her Majesty the Queen
His boots were very clean
(Pink Floyd) =
A Dark Day for Civic Freedom
Hallelujah! Gordon Brown PM, he quit!
Crushed, generally, thirteen years of sleaze!
A hodge-podge LibDem-Con coalition?
Another mediocre government? Please!
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - David Bourke with:
A warped imagination =
Man awaiting a period!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
The coastline of Florida and Louisiana =
The fauna, flora and soil is coated in oil.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
The World Cup football competition in South Africa =
To ruin it, blow off a loud, totemic, cheap plastic horn!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
How to permanently silence the incessant droning of a vuvuzela horn =
Shove the thing into any convenient zulu fellow's rear, and scamper on!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - David Bourke with:
It's time for our quadrennial fixation;
With amazing judgement (or dumb luck),
Choose your favourite football nation
To predict the winners of the World Cup.
=
Look, I don't care a jot who wins, I'm afraid
...but quit blowing the confounded monotone
plastic trumpets for throughout a fixture...unreal!
I feel I'm driven crazy!
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
A cunt often has ~
a stench of tuna
LONG CATEGORY, September 2010:
3rd - David Bourke with:
A vicar checked himself into a hotel, and he said to the clerk in the reception, "I do so hope that the pornography channels up in my bedroom are disabled."
=
The chap replied, shaking his head, "No cripple videos, no chance! It's the more normal, able-bodied hardcore type instead. To think you're a man of the cloth!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq2nd - David Bourke with:
You were Spain
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
Fingered up the arsehole =
For heightened pleasure!
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
Strict vegetarianism =
Craving meat? Resist it!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The United States of America's foreign policy =
It's "Create a fuss, go in, empty it of oil, and cheer!"
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - David Bourke with:
She ruined ~
her undies!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The weather conditions across the United Kingdom =
Most ignored the radio...stuck in the snow and the ice!
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2011:
eq2nd - David Bourke with:
Repressed masculine homosexuality =
Dreams surely see a six-inch tool up me!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2011:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Regular sperm donation =
Man pleasuring to order!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2011:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Egyptian tourism industry =
They must go pray it isn't ruined!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2011:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards =
I regret that he's still rocking, this dinosaur!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2011:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The White House's former intern Monica Samille Lewinsky =
Yes, it's a female who *likes* Mr. Clinton's wiener in her mouth!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2011:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The singer and blues guitarist Eric Clapton =
Regrets cocaine...but still standing up, I hear!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
3rd - David Bourke with:
Power stations in meltdown ~
is news to an impotent world.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2011:
1st - David Bourke with:
New Oxford English Dictionary =
Literacy-honing index of words.
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2011:
eq1st - David Bourke with:
The sado-masochist bondage party =
Hasty orgasm, chained to a bedpost!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2011:
2nd - David Bourke with:
Sarah's and Todd's daughter Bristol Sheeran Marie Palin =
Another stupid lass, as brain-dead as her darling mother!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - David Bourke with:
Autobiography [version III]
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2011:
1st - David Bourke with:
A list of 90 key facts about The Duke of Edinburgh
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
2nd - David Bourke with:
The late singer Amy Winehouse =
Eulogy in her twenties...a shame.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2011:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The African crested rat (Lophiomys imhausi) =
A critter has made his fur poison, they claim!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - David Bourke with:
The former Libyan dictator, Colonel Gaddafi =
Cold, methodical...a great friend of Tony Blair.
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2011:
eq3rd - David Bourke with:
Cheap flat-packed furniture =
A "carpenter" half fucked it up!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - David Bourke with:
The Tory Prime Minister, David Cameron =
Pardon my advice to him...retirement, sir!
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2011:
3rd - David Bourke with:
The Restroom Association of Singapore =
Someone certain to go for a shit or a piss!
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
3rd - David Bourke with:
A few items you might find in your husband's pocket =
Money, humbugs, a picture of his wife and snotty kid.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq3rd - David Bourke with:
Happy birthday Kate! As the Duchess of Cambridge turns 30, FEMAIL brings you 30 facts about our future queen
Table of All-Time Placegetters
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