Anagrammy Placings by Dharam Khalsa

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All the highly-placed anagrams by Dharam Khalsa from the Anagrammy Awards.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
eBay auction =
I can beat you.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2008:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind." Albert Einstein =
Whether I call it Omniscient Being or biological nuclei issue, destinies intertwine.

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Ever wonder what happens if a greeting card prose writer has a bad day?

***

I heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be...

Don't fret about her--
Yes, she's moved in with me.

***

Looking back over the years we've been together,
I can't help wondering...

"Shit, what was I thinking?"

***

Congratulations on your Wedding Day...

Too bad everyone hates your husband.

***

How could two people as beautiful as you...

Have so ugly a baby?

***

I'd always wanted someone to hold, kiss and love.
Since I met you...

I've changed my mind.

***

You brought Religion and Prayer into my life.
You see...

I never believed in Hell 'til I met you.

***

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...

You're not here to ruin it for me.

***

Congratulations on your Promotion!
First, before you move up...

Just take this sharp knife from my back--
You'll probably need it again.

~

Have a Happy Father's Day, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)

***

Wishing you a Happy Birthday!
You look unbelievably good for your age...

almost lifelike.

***

When we embraced in love,
You said you'd die for me...

Now that we've broken up,
I think it's high time you kept your promise.

***

We have been best friends for a very long time...

Now can we stop?

***

Oh my God, I'm so miserable without you...

It almost seems like you're here with me.

***

Congratulations on your cute babbling bundle of joy...

Did you ever find out who the baby's father was?

***

Uncle, your friends and I want to do something special on your birthday tomorrow...

We're having you put to sleep.

***

So, your daughter's a hooker,
Don't let that ruin your Father's Day...

The bright economic side:
A senator evening is great pay.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower 6:40 a.m., just as his wife finishes up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The pretty wife wraps her body in a tatty towel and goes downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, the guy says, "I'll give you eight hundred dollars to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops away her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, the guy hands her eight hundred dollars, tells her goodbye and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the tatty towel and goes upstairs to the bedroom. Getting there, her husband asks, "Who was that, Honey?"

"The neighbour Bob."

"Great!" the husband says, "Did my buddy say anything to you about the eight hundred dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. Getting into the car, she crossed her legs, forcing her baggy gown to flaunt a taut leg. The priest nearly had an accident! After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, try to remember Psalm 129." The priest moved his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up the taut leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, try to remember that Psalm." The priest apologized, "Sorry Sister, but you know the flesh is weak." Arriving at the ivy-covered convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

When he got back to the church, the priest looked up and found Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you do not stay well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager, walking to lunch, find a tiny oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Yay! Me first! Me first!" shouts the sales rep. "I want to be in the Bahamas driving in a little speedboat, then catching a few zz's, without a care in the world." Puff! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" shouts the admin clerk. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing at a beach with my male masseuse, endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Utopia!" Puff! She's gone.

~

"OK, you're up," The genie informs the manager. The manager hoots, "I want those two back in the office after lunch by 12:29!"

Moral of the story is:
A winner always lets his boss have first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a nice sassafras tree resting passively, doing nothing. A small rabbit assessed the eagle and asked him, "I wonder, can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat passive on the ground below the sassafras and rested like a maharajah. All of a sudden, 9 or 10 minutes later, in a whirr, a fox appeared, jumped on the hapless rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull in a grassy orchard. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but haven't got enough energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with corn and nutrients!" he explains.

So the turkey sniffed, appraised a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to raise himself to the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after another picnic of dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night in the grassy yard, the turkey was proudly perched in the treetop.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, an expert marksman. The farmer raised his gun and shot him from the tree.

Moral of the story is:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and whirled to the ground in a large field. While he was lying there in crisis, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there still in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to exclaim, "Ahhhh!" and sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and the assassin promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story is:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is an enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is a friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The woman told her husband, "I'm like a fine wine or cheddar cheese...I'll get better with age."
=
He thought, deliberated the marriage, locked his wife down in the basement wine cellar.

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Fear of Flying

A plane took off from an airport in New York and steadily climbed. After it had reached its comfortably high cruising altitude, the captain made a typical announcement out over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 93, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. I see the weather ahead is good and we should have a fairly smooth and uneventful flight. Now lean back and re..."

"OH MY GOD!" he yelled.
~
A shivery silence followed, a child bawled, and after a long time that seemed like forever, the captain came back over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I frightened you earlier. During the time I was talking, Donna, a new on-board flight attendant, accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A grumpy man using the phone far away in row 39 groaned, "No, that's nothing. You should look at the back of mine!"

LONG CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Question: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Here is woman's answer: One! I repeat, ONLY ONE!!!! Do you know WHY? Because no one else in our house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They do not even know when a bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark FOUR DAYS before finally figuring it out! And once they did, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs, despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! If anybody, by some great miracle, actually did find them, TWO DAYS LATER the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would still be stuck in THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
~
And UNDERNEATH the old shabby wobbly chair, would undoubtedly be THE PACKAGE THE LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! Because no litterbug I see here thinks to PICK UP OR TAKE OUT THE TRASH!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVE NOT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF OLD RUBBISH AT LEAST TWO FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY AND NAVY COMBINED LONGER THAN A WEEK'S TIME IN HERE, MAYBE EVEN MONTHS, TO CLEAN THE DUSTY, FILTHY PLACE! IT'S BEYOND BELIEF!! ANYBODY UNWITTINGLY SNIFFING DOWNWIND WOULD CONDEMN THIS HOUSE! AND DON'T GET ME GOING ON WHO'S ALWAYS REPLACING THE #&%!* TOILET TISSUE!! GOODBYE, BUSYBODY!!!!

Sorry, honey. What was the question?

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World", a list including only great structures around the Mediterranean rim (the number "seven" was used as the Greeks did believe that number to be a magical sign):

* Pyramids, Egypt
* Hanging Gardens of Babylon (built by Nebuchadnezzar II)
* Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
* Statue of Greek God Zeus at Olympia
* Marble Tomb of King Mausolus Halicarnassus
* Colossus of Rhodes in Aegean Sea
* Pharos at Alexandria, Egypt

Seven Wonders of the Medieval World
(written in the Middle Ages, adding several):

* Colosseum of Rome
* Catacombs of Alexandria, Egypt
* Great Wall of China
* Stonehenge of Salisbury Plain, England
* Leaning Tower of Pisa, Italy
* The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing, China
* Mosque of St. Sophia in Constantinople (now Istanbul, Turkey)

Some of the above attractions are not on all "Medieval Wonders" lists. Other variations of medieval wonders include:

* Abu Simbel Temple, Egypt
* Angkor Wat, Cambodia
* Aztec Temple of Tenochtitlan, Mexico
* Banaue Rice Terraces, Philippines
* Borobudur Temple, Java, Indonesia
* Inca City of Machu Picchu, Peru
* Mayan Temples of Tikal, Guatemala
* Moai Statues of Easter Island, Rapa Nui, Chile
* Mont Saint-Michel, Normandy, France
* Parthenon, Athens, Greece
* Petra (Rock-Carved City) Jordan
* Shwedagon Pagoda, Myanmar
* Taj Mahal, Agra, India
* Temple of the Inscriptions at Palenque, Mexico
* Throne Hall of Persepolis, Iran

Seven Wonders of the Modern World:

* The Suez Canal
* The Eiffel Tower, Paris, France
* The Alaska Highway, Alaska, USA
* The Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, California, USA
* Empire State Building, New York, USA
* Dneproges Dam, Dnieper River, Ukraine
* The Panama Canal

Various "Modern Wonders" above are not on all lists. More international attractions include:

* Atomic Energy Research Establishment, Harwell, England
* Big Ben Clock Tower, London, England
* Channel Tunnel, England-France
* CN Tower, Toronto, Canada
* Gateway Arch, St. Louis, USA
* Aswan Dam, Egypt
* Hoover Dam, Arizona/Nevada, USA
* Itaipu Dam, Brazil/Paraquay
* Mount Rushmore, South Dakota, USA
* Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
* Statue of Cristo Redentor, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
* Statue of Liberty, New York, USA
* Sydney Opera House, Australia
~
The Seven Wonders of the Natural World (as documented in my home encyclopedia):

* Mount Everest, Nepal
* Victoria Falls, Africa
* Grand Canyon, Southwest USA
* Great Barrier Reef
* The Northern Lights
* Paricutin Volcano (new), Mexico
* The Harbor at Rio de Janeiro

Some of the above phenomena may not be seen used in all Natural Wonders lists. The same encyclopedia pages append these obvious wonders:

* Angel Falls, Venezuela
* Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia
* Blue Grotto, Capri, Italy
* Carlsbad Caverns, New Mexico, USA
* Giant Sequoias, Yosemite, California, USA
* Igua�œ Falls, South America
* Krakatoa Island, Indonesia
* Mount Fuji, Japan
* Mount Kilimanjaro, Tanzania
* Niagara Falls, Ontario/New York
* Nile, Egypt
* Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes, Alaska, USA
* Yellowstone Falls, Wyoming, USA

Additionally, CEDAM International, a US-based group of people dedicated to protecting the aqueous ocean ecosystem, compiled the timeless "Seven Underwater Wonders of the World":

* Palau
* Belize Barrier Reef
* Galapagos Islands
* Northern Red Sea
* Lake Baikal, Siberia
* Great Barrier Reef
* Deep Sea Vents

"The Seven Wonders of the Industrial World", a document penned by UK author Deborah Cadbury analyzing phenomenal human feats of engineering of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, is quoted below:

* SS Great Eastern (steamship)
* Bell Rock Lighthouse/Signal Tower Museum
* Brooklyn Bridge, USA
* London sewerage system
* First Transcontinental Railroad
* The Panama Canal
* Hoover Dam

Popular travel/amusement writer Howard Hillman composed these simple lists recommending the top ten human-made and natural scenic places (in his opinion) to world tourists:

Best human-made travel wonders:

* Giza pyramid complex of Egypt
* Great Wall of China
* The Taj Mahal in India
* Machu Picchu, Peru
* Bali
* Angkor Wat, Cambodia
* Forbidden City, China
* Bagan Temples and Pagodas, Myanmar
* Karnak Temple, Egypt
* Teotihuacan, Mexico

Best natural travel wonders:

* Immense Serengeti Migration
* Galapagos Islands
* The Grand Canyon, Southwest USA
* Iguazu Falls, Argentina
* Amazon Rainforest
* Ngorongoro Crater, Tanzania
* The Great Barrier Reef
* Victoria Falls, Africa
* Bora Bora, South Pacific
* Cappadocia, Turkey

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Evangelical Christian =
I have certain callings.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2008:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Louvre Museum in Paris, France =
Peruse much in marvelous fine art.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Note: (not part of anagram) "Obama or McCain as President" is the title and also runs down the left side in bold letters. Each line is an anagram of the title. To check it, I ran it through Anagram Artist with "Obama or McCain as President" 24 times. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Hope it makes sense to you. Thanks for looking!

****************************************
OBAMA OR MCCAIN AS PRESIDENT
Bipartisan, a road commences
America beams its pro and con.
Misconceptions bear a drama
An impasse in a record combat.
Obama can inspire Democrats,
Raise past damn economic bar.
McCain made a prisoner boast,
Can broadcast pain memories.
Companies remain bad actors
And compare as rise in combat
In command bases or at a price.
No promise can be as dramatic
As combat-prisoned American,
Since armada son bore impact.
Parties are basic and common;
Racism became a nation's prod.
Embrace radiant compassion;
Spirit can become a man's road.
In America, no combat spreads;
Dreams combine as in a top arc,
Encompass and orbit America.
No praise, as drab to me, McCain;
Top card Obama is sincere man!

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
All you men want is one thing =
Lonely unhesitating woman

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2008:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
US Election Day =
You and I select

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Two elderly sisters were sitting out on a city park bench in front of a town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The older one said, "My life is getting boring. There's just no spice anymore. For ten dollars, IÕd take off my clothes and streak that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up ten dollars.

The first old lady fumbled out of her clothes and ran bare-naked through the door into the show.
~
Her sister heard a commotion in the hall -- noisy applause, followed by loud hoots and howls. Soon the wrinkled lady flew swiftly out through the front door of the show on foot, surrounded by a jolly crowd of cheering, saluting New Yorkers.

"So, what happened?" grilled the eager sister still sitting comfortably out in front.

The streaker frowned, hesitated, and then shared, "I took First Place as Best Dried Arrangement."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2008:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
If you still don't know what to be for Halloween, then here are ten great costumes from "film.com". All it takes is rummaging through your closet and a bit of creativity.

1. The Joker
No act drew as much attention this year as Heath Ledger's Joker. You'll need white face paint, black eye shadow, and temp spray hair color. A purple suit works if you can find one in a vintage shop. Apply red lipstick with your eyes closed for that maniacal touch.
* Bonus points if you get the voice down. "Wanna know how I got these scars?"

2. Sarah Palin
Just as there are three branches of government, there are three pieces needed to pull off Sarah Palin: glasses, a skirt suit, and a frozen-yogurt-swirl hairdo. Throw on lipstick and a flag pin and you're in business.
* Bonus points if you have bangs or a caribou carcass in tow.

3. Michael Phelps
You'll need a lot of self-confidence to pull this trick off. The key items are a Speedo, swim cap and goggles. Use bronzer to define your muscles so you can proudly display eight gold medals across your pecs.
* Bonus points if you bring along your mom.

4. Miley Cyrus
This queen of Disney is a lot more fun than those Disney princesses. Add extensions to your hair, squeeze into tight jeans and a sequined tank. Add a studded belt, cowboy boots, fingerless gloves and hoop earrings, and you're ready to pop-rock.
* Bonus points if you find a kinky guy to be your underwear model boyfriend.

5. Brangelina Baby
This costume works for just about any ethnicity. Dress in hip duds and brag about your globe-trotting, multi-millionaire parents. If you can, sport a faux-hawk.
* Bonus points if you find super-attractive kids to pose as your siblings.
~
6. Jonas Brothers
You'll have mobs of the hottest women worshipping you in your skinny jeans, skinny tie, skinny coat, skinny vest ... you get the idea. Wanna be legit? Wear promise rings.
* Bonus points if one of you has a glucose monitor.

7. Blair Waldorf
Pull that official private school uniform out of the cobwebby closet and accessorize it with preppy rediscoveries: low boots, cotton knee highs, coordinating jewelry, a good designer handbag, and the always essential headband.
* Bonus points if you adopt a pert snobbish attitude and add a Chuck Bass look-a-like prop.

8. Rachel Zoe
The key requirements of this costume style are huge accessories. Giant sunglasses, exaggerated wide-leg jeans, and a fluffy, faux fur vest ought to produce results. Hold a Starbucks coffee cup in your hand all night and you'll shut it down!
* Bonus points if you add the words "I die" and "bananas" to all your conversations.

9. Kirk Lazarus
When channeling Robert Downey Jr. in "Tropic Thunder", remember, fellows, it's quite important not to risk offending anyone. You would need camouflage fatigues, commando face paint, one realistic wig, and lots of personality for this metamorphosis. Dressing as a dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude is not easy.
* Bonus points if you bust out a hot Australian accent half-way through.

10. Katy Perry
Vintage flair is the key to Katy Perry's personal technique. If you happen to find a retro-inspired romper, then you're all set. Doll up your face with lots of shimmery makeup and sport some beribboned girly accessories. Remember to carry some cherry chapstick in your purse.
* Bonus points if you actually kiss a girl.

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
'Penthouse' and 'Playboy' found in college dormitories =
Pupils merely felt bonus: good hand-eye coordination!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Blonde to the supermarket manager on the telephone:
"I just bought a ten-pound turkey. How long do I cook it in the microwave?" ~
"Just a minute," the man remarked to the blonde, hoping to look it up.
"Wow! You've been a great help!!" cried the host, running to cook.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The forty-fourth President of the United States of America, Barack Obama =
The first to dare aim at YouTube fans, and first to reach them per Facebook.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2008:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A depressed and lonely frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and asks what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic tells him, "Tomorrow you are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
~
The frog is thrilled. He shouts out, "Whoopee!! This is great! Thank you!"

"So, will I meet my wonderful beloved at a fount, a lake, a pond, or cosy lawn party?" he wonders.

"No, you will meet her in Biology Class," grunts the psychic, hanging up.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2008:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Layla

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2008:
eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
What gift from Santa would you like to see under the tree on Christmas? =
The uncut trees out in the yard with dreamlike gossamer of snow aloft.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Conceptual artist Andy Warhol =
A red soup can! Why not call it art?

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2009:
Eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Ernest Hemingway =
His mane went grey

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Basic Wedding Cake Recipe

6 cups soft cake flour, sifted
2 tablespoons baking powder
1 1/2 cups butter or margarine, softened
3 cups sugar
2 cups milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
12 egg whites

Preheat oven to 325¡F. Grease pans and line bottom with sheets of waxed paper (may also use parchment paper).

Sift flour and baking powder. Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat egg whites only until stiff, not dry. With mixer on slow speed, add flour and baking powder to butter and sugar, alternately with milk. Beat well after each addition. Mix in vanilla. Gently fold egg whites into batter. Pour into prepared pans. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool, ice, and decorate. Serve, share, enjoy!
=
Recipe for Upkeep of a Happy Marriage

1/2 gallon faith
6 cups consideration
5 cups trust
3 cups kindhearted praise
2 cups flattery, hidden
1 small pinch of in-laws
1 flexible budget and a pledge of cooperation
2 teaspoons pure extract of "I'm sorry"
2 tablespoons of contentment
3 cups confident and encouraging attitude
1 large or a few small hobbies
2 cups blindness to the other's faults

Stir well, taking out any big wayward lumps of bitter jealousy, bad temper, backtalk, or nagging guilt. Add pepper of recreation and a rare extract like wise understanding, and whisk gently. Next, sweeten with true love and romance. Bake and keep warm with a flame of devotion. It gets better with age, but never serve it with a cold shoulder!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A man and his wife were watching 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' on TV while in bed. He turned to her and said, "Want to make love?"

"No," she answered.

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at him this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So he said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Then the fight started...

*******

A man asked his lovely wife in advance, "Where would you like to go for our next vacation?"

She answered, "Someplace I haven't been in a long time."

He suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

Then the fight started...

*******

One Saturday morning a man got up very early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, even fed the dog, and slipped quietly out into the garage. First he hooked the boat to his truck, and then proceeded to back out into a torrential rainstorm.

A wind was blowing to 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and heard the announcer say that the weather would be bad all day.

The man went back into the house and quietly slipped into bed. He snuggled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out fishing in that?"

Then the fight started...

*******

A man and woman were asleep in the bed like two oversized babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, loud noise came from outside.

The woman rose from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap! That might be my husband!"

The scared man leapt out of the bed and jumped out of the window naked. He slammed on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, and sped to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned to the bedroom, and hissed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, so then why were you running?"

Then the fight started...

*******

A man tried to talk his wife into buying a case of Miller Light. Instead, she bought herself a jar of cold cream.

He told her the beer would make her face look better at night than the cold cream.

Then the fight started...

*******

A woman was standing nude, assessing herself in the mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and sighed to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look so old and fat. I really need you to pay
me a compliment."

So the sarcastic husband replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

Then the fight started...

*******~
A man took his dowdy wife to a restaurant, where a new befuddled waiter took the husband's order first.

"I'll have steak, medium rare, please."

The dumbfounded waiter asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

The man deadpanned, "Nah, she can order for herself."

Then the battle began...

*******

A man and his wedded wife were sitting at a table at his Midwest high school reunion. He kept staring uncomfortably at a drunken redheaded woman sitting alone at a nearby table, swigging her drink.

The wife demanded, "Is that drunk an acquaintance?"

"Yes," the man sighed, "That woman is an old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking right after I dumped her many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"Oh, my!" blurted his wife, adding "Who would think a woman could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the battle started...

*******

After he retired, an Albuquerque fellow did not dillydally and went immediately into the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter smiled and asked the man for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pocket and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman employee he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." The old guy opened his shirt, revealing curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." She processed the man's application as he buttoned up his shirt.

When the man got home, he told his wife about the woman at the Social Security office.

She jumped in loudly, "You should have opened your pants fly! You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the battle started...

*******

When a newlywed husband got home from work, his pouty wife demanded that he take her someplace expensive.

He took her to the gas station.

Then the battle started...

*******

A wife was hinting to her husband about what present she wanted for their upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds!"

He bought her a big scale.

And then the battle began...

*******

A sleepy wife sat down on the couch, joining her weary husband. He was flipping channels, attempting to look for entertainment. She asked, "So, what's on the television?"

He muttered, "Dust."

And then the battle began...

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Vermeer's "The Lacemaker", MusŽe du Louvre, Paris =
Her demure reverie, a true calm, speaks volumes

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Amnesty International =
Meant to nail tyrannies.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you." -Thomas Jefferson =
It doesn't matter if you're too isolated, not found in 'Who's Who'. Awaken! And once awake, dance joyfully!

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Last week I took my eighty-four-year-old dad to a mall to buy some new shoes, and we stopped to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The young man had spiked hair in all different colors: green and blue, orange and red.

My dad just kept on staring at him.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

=

Knowing my Leo father's temperament, I hurriedly ate and swallowed my food to avoid gagging or choking later, since he was guaranteed to unleash a totally spontaneous comeback right then and there.

In his own admittedly hardheaded style, he straightened himself up at the table and didn't bat an eye before retorting:

"Got drunk at a hotel one time and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you're my son."

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
International Space Station =
It's a pertinent NASA location.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Life begins on the other side of despair"--Jean-Paul Sartre =
Is a depression just a period felt before nearing health?

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
One Sunday, as a church pastor totaled the standard weekly offerings, he pondered a large pink envelope containing $1,000 in the collection plate. A similar envelope was offered the next week. The following Sunday, he regarded an old woman with arthritic hands as she painstakingly placed an obviously full pink envelope in the dish. The pastor noted every week was the same story.

Curiosity got the best of him and he addressed her, "I couldn't help but notice that you always donate $1,000."

=

"Why yes," the lady acknowledged, "Each week my kind son presents me with $10,000 and I tithe the full 10 percent.

The pastor was taken aback, exclaiming, "That's very generous! Nowadays, lots of people donate $0 to church upkeep. What does your son do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," the little old lady noted.

"That's a fulfilling profession...and profitable too!" He added, "But, enlighten me - where's his practice?"

The lady proudly replied, "It's in Nevada. He owns one cat house in Las Vegas, and another in Reno.

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
First Lady Michelle Obama meets Queen Elizabeth II =
My little familiar squeeze habit becomes headline.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A weird twit who sent ten different puns to alum pals unfortunately had high hopes ~
that at least a few of the fresh wry puns would inspire them to laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Two native Alaskans crouching within a boat were cold, so they started a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, the boat immediately sank...
~
with them, in a fireball. It's a new twist on a classic problem. Right, friends (granted, it's no secret): you can't have your kayak and heat it too!

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Satisfaction =
Cat in its sofa.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Maurice Sendak's "Where the Wild Things Are" =
His tale which amused wee kindergartners.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Impressionist Pierre-Auguste Renoir =
I sure see some inspiring portraiture!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and you're ok.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.
=
They took away my daydream
Via a money-grabbing scheme,
Fast as a handbag switcheroo;
'Airtight' bank guarantee, too!
Made me just want to holler:
"That's why a pyramid on back of a US dollar!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The American Dream

An American business consultant on vacation was lolling on the pier of a coastal Mexican village, when a small boat with a solo fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the lucky Mexican man loudly on the size and quality of his tuna fish.

"How long did it take you to catch them?" the American queried.

"Only a little while," the Mexican man replied.

"Golly, why don't you stay out longer then and catch more fish?" the curious man asked.

"I have enough now to support my own family's needs," the lowly Mexican answered.

The American man asked, "What do you do with all the rest of your time?"

The lowly fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, se–or."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you with a sound solution. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. Then with the proceeds from the large boat you could buy several bigger boats. Finally, you would have a whole fleet of fishing boats."
~
"To emphasize my overview, instead of selling off your catch to a middleman, you would sell it direct to the consumers, eventually opening your own commercial tuna factory. You would control the hand labor done, mechanical processing, and distribution. You'd leave this small coastal fishing village and head off to Mexico City, the Bahamas, then LA, and finally off to a NYC home, where your famed expanding enterprise would be based."

The meek fisherman asked, "Whew, se–or, how long will this all take?"

The American said, "Oh, maybe twenty years."

"What then?" the Mexican questioned.

The American laughed, "Ha, ha, ha! That's the best part. When the time is right you will announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public, becoming very rich. You would amass millions!"

"Millions, se–or? Then what?" the Mexican asked.

The American hemmed and hawed and said quite slowly, "Then (ahem) you would retire... head off to a small coastal fishing village... where you would sleep late...fish a little... play with your grandbabies...take a siesta...stroll to the village in the evening with your faithful wife...have some wine...and maybe play a guitar with your amigos..."

LONG CATEGORY, June 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
My grandchild asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast foods when I was a child," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, but seriously," he smirked, "Where did you eat?"

"It was a little place we called a 'Home'," I smiled.

"Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we would all sit down together at the dining table and say a nice blessing before eating."

~

"McDonald's was a farm song," I winked. "If we didn't like a food Mother offered, we were allowed to sit there until we did like it! No, Timothy, 'Home' was never a democracy - 'Home or the highway!'"

By now, my hefty grandson was laughing so hard I was worried his rowdy guffaws would cause bodily damage. I decided not to even tell him about how we had to clean the plates and gracefully ask Dad's permission to leave the table!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Animal emoticons:

:]~~~~~~* Frog catching a fly
:@) Pig
:©P Pig with tongue sticking out
^(@@)^ Wise owl
:(|) Monkey
) Cheshire cat
,,,,,,,,,, Ants a-marching
}:-8 Bull
<"}}}><\ Fish

=

-------------<;)))>< Fish caught bait
I=8) Comic cow
>^..^< Cat
=^-.-^= Sleepy kitten
~~~~~~~~~8}= Snake with fangs
_@/. Snail coming right
<:3 )~~~~~ Mouse going left
{:8( Unhappy gorilla
0__/\__ Inchworm

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
THE TODDLER WEIGHT-LOSS DIET

As you may have noticed, most two-year-olds are trim. The secret to their success is finally available in this new miracle diet. (You may want to consult your doctor before attempting this diet.)

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of the egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly all over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons, a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two dimes and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is fresh and clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid on mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

=

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup; eat one with fingers, rub in hair and shirt. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sticky sucker from the rug, lick off fur, and put it on cushion of dad's best chair.

Lunch: Eat three wooden matches, peanut butter (protein) and jelly sandwich. Spit out several bites onto the kitchen floor. Pour glass of milk on the table and slurp it up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, orange punch. Try to laugh a little through your nose, if possible.

LAST DAY
Breakfast: A little toothpaste, bit of soap (nontoxic), one oily olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of honey. Once cereal is soggy, drink sweet milk. Give gooey cereal to the dog. Drop vitamin and genuine Tonka toy down heat vent.

Lunchtime: Eat stale bread crumbs, old Dorito and dirty Cheerio off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Retrieve yesterday's sucker, finish it.

Dinner: Enjoy concoction of spaghetti noodles, sauce, and chocolate milk. Leave uneaten meatball on dinner plate. Try to swallow mascara tube for dessert.

(Dietitian note: A well-tolerated and nutritional weight-loss diet; no antidote is usually indicated.)

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears =
Cast a shortsighted blonde for the key role.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Woodstock Music and Arts Festival =
Review: It's a fact most took LSD and such.

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
In case you were wondering what is actually going on with President Obama's health care reform plan:

The American Medical Association professionals weighed in on the new health care plan that the bipartisan Obama Team is dutifully putting together.

The Allergists persistently voted to scratch it, while

The Dermatologists advised to postpone it, to not make any rash move.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, while

The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians attested they were all laboring under a misconception, while

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Orthopedists thought the plan sounded spineless, while

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" but,

The Pediatricians heckled and guffawed, "Oh, Grow up!"
~
The Psychiatrists thought the entire idea to be madness.

The Radiologists could see right through the body of the plan.

The Surgeons recommended washing their hands of the whole idea.

The Internists hypothecated it would be a bitter pill for people to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons declared, "It puts a whole new face on the matter!"

The Podiatrists thought it would be taking a small step forward, but, conversely

The Urologists were very pissed off at the idea.

The Anesthesiologists looked at the general plan as a total gas, and

The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say 'no.'

(Also, the Transcriptionist/Anagrammatist casually rearranged the initiative.)

In my humble opinion, champion Proctologists did win commendably in the end, "We're leaving the outcome of the dialogue to the a**hole pigs in Washington!"

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The old Glenn Campbell song, "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy" =
One well-clothed gentleman is loping by on horseback.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2009:
Eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS) ~
stirred invasion on Semenya's dignity.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Pink Floyd's "The Dark Side of the Moon" was much jazzier than their other albums. =
Asked about "Wizard of Oz" phenomena in the hit rhythm, the rockers just half-smiled.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Two Afternoon Fables

A Rose Chafer

By chance, a rose chafer in the city of London shyly composed a classical fugue. But then nobody knew what a rose chafer was, let alone a fugue, and inexplicably didn't check the 'R' encyclopedia volume, so he died crushed, if twitching, upon a pauper's grave.

=

The Capricious Fly

A capricious fly once saved up enough cereal box tops to purchase an enormous rich chocolate candy bar, and for a week he was in fly heaven. But by the second week he had grown bored with all the candy and found himself lusting after a nice clean pile of tasty dog feces.

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Anniversary of September Eleventh Two-thousand-one =
To an eyewitness of them, the planes burn over and over.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The best does not come alone. It comes with the company of the all." -- Rabindranath Tagore, "Stray Birds" =
There is both a good and bad in the worst acts. They are all teachable moments for my introspection.

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
An out-of-towner in a rush drives his car into a muddy ditch on a desolate country road, and waits in vexation for a time. Fortunately, a farmer arrives, coming in from the fields with a big strong horse named Buddy, and offers the man some help.

He hitches Buddy up to the car and yells out, "Taffy, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

The farmer shouts, "Beauty, pull!" The horse won't even budge.

Once more the farmer commands, "Jennie, pull!" Nothing.

Nonchalantly tucking in the shirt he wears, the farmer says, "OK, Buddy, pull." The energetic horse drags the auto up out of the mud.

The motorist is appreciative, yet curious. He asks the farmer why he called the horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer notes, "The reason is, Buddy's blind, and if he thought he was the only one of the team pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

=

A husband and wife, driving down a dry bumpy lane on their way to visit some friends, come to a muddy patch in the road and the car becomes mired. After several minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they notice a young farmer hiking down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stops when he sees the couple in trouble and offers to pull the car out of the mud for forty dollars. The husband accepts and just moments later the car is freed. The farmer turns to the husband and says, "By the way, chum, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud this morning."

The husband looks all around at the fields incredulously and then asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replies seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
You have to be confirmed old-fogyish enough to remember Abbott and Costello's witty comical routines, too crotchety to understand computers, and juvenile enough to appreciate this farcical spoof. For those of us who become stymied by bleeping computers, scroll down...

If comics Abbott and Costello were alive today, they might have modified their famed wry sketch, "Who's on First?" sort of like this:

COSTELLO'S ON LINE TWO

(Costello calls to buy a computer from salesman Abbott)

ABBOTT (cheery): Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO (dignified): Why yes, thank you. I'm setting up an office in my house and I'm thinking about buying a new computer.

ABBOTT: You're welcome. Mac?

COSTELLO: No, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer yet. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: Hey, I told you, I'm Lou!

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get too stuffy?

ABBOTT: Anyway, do you want a computer with Windows, McAfee?

COSTELLO: I don't know. By the way, I'm still Lou! What do I see when I check the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Wow, never mind the windows. I want a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO (agitatedly): No! For my gosh-darn computer! I need it to type proposals, track expenses, run my Chevy franchise. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You just recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO (weary): For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
~
COSTELLO: What did you just recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows, and I'm almost ready to jump out! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a business proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: You would need Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office!

ABBOTT: Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click over the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: Absurd! Sir, I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start giving me some straight answers! Let's just suppose I'm a used car salesman. Then, what about finance and bookkeeping, and all that? Do you have anything to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Sure...Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: Yep, it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with the computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. A real plus, at no extra charge!

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: Say, isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us our own license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. How may I help you?

COSTELLO: I'm embarrassed, but how do I turn this useless computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'...

(The End)

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Golden Anniversary =
Dear Granny's in love.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Les vrayes centuries et propheties de maistre Michel Nostradamus =
Conspiracy theorists reuse the medieval seer's manipulated terms.

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The U.S. Postal Service created a postage stamp with a picture of ex-president George W. Bush to commemorate his achievements.
In use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking at all to the envelope. This enraged the former president, who demanded
a full investigation.

=

After a month of extensive tests, the appointed committee was able to draw up, then give 'what's-his-name' harsh conclusive results:

1) The custom stamp is in perfect order and is legitimate.
2) There is no damage to the adhesive glue on the back.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A Sonnet Upon Sonnets

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2009:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Sir Patrick Stewart =
A crisp 'Star Trek' wit.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Himalayan Mount Everest =
A summit nearly to Heaven.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2009:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a sudden spin accident on a cold snowy morning. It's a bad one, for both of their cars are totally
demolished, but neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreck, the man is discernibly muttering about "All you woman drivers!"

The woman responds, "Yes, I'm a woman - so what!? Just look at the cars! There's nothing left, but we're not hurt. Perhaps it's a sign
from the benevolent Lord that we should make peace and live as friends, beautifying the rest of our days."

The man blushes, "Oh, I agree completely - it must be a sign from God!

=

But it's still your error...a birdbrain woman should NEVER be allowed to drive!"

The woman says, "Mercy! Look at this - a miracle! My car is completely demolished, but a bottle of fine burgundy wine survived. Surely
God wants us to share this red wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She offers the wine to the gruff man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and scarfs half the bottle, and offers it back to
the woman. The woman reclaims the bottle, puts the cap on, and hands it to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just going to wait for the police..."

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
We fear more plane blast alerts in the year 2010 =
Are we really a lot safer than in September 2001?

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco =
That aging design on reinforced cables.

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A Texan cowboy stopped in at a restaurant following an unhurried day during his stay in Mexico.

While sipping a refreshing tequila, he eyed an impressive platter being served to a nearby table. Not only did it look scrumptious, the smell was wonderful!

He addressed the waiter, "Oh, sir..."

The waiter replied, "Yes?"

The clueless cowboy asked, "What is that dish you just served?"

"Ah, Se–or," the server answered. "You have excellent taste! They are called Cojones de Toro, the 'oysters' from the bull fight this morning, considered a choice delicacy here."

The American cowboy, despite considering animal anatomy for a moment, ordered. "What the heck, bring me those!"

=

The diplomatic server explained, "I am so sorry, Se–or. The kitchen cooks only one portion per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place an order, I will hold your dish."

The next day, the cowboy placed the order over his relaxing breakfast. That evening he sat down once again and was served his sole 'catch of the day'. After tasting just a few tender spicy bites, he was just not satiated and regarded his platter.

He called the waiter aside, whispering, "They were quite delicious, but much, much smaller than those I remember seeing you serve yesterday."

The waiter nodded, "Si, Se–or. Sometimes the bull wins."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Retired Husband

After he retired, I insisted that my husband accompany me on my midweek trips to the local Target store. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, I'm like most women - I wish to browse. Yesterday, without warning, I received the following letter from the Target manager:

Dear Mrs. Khalsa,

Over the past 6 months, your husband, Mr. Khalsa, has caused quite a commotion here in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are going to be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by the video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms off the shelf and stealthily dumped them in other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set twenty alarm clocks in the housewares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of diluted ketchup on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee, belched, and demanded in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to abandon her station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and money.

August 4: Went up to the Customer Service desk and tried to put 2 bags of M&Ms on layaway.

=

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign from tiles over to a carpeted area, laughing.

August 15: Got a tent set up in the camping department and told children he'd invite them to stay over if they would bring a mat, doughnuts, other sugar goodies, and fluffy blankets from the bedding department, which twenty of the children did.

August 23: When asked if he needed help, screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?" EMTs were called in.

September 4: Looked right into a security camera, transfixed, then used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

October 2: Darted around the store, suspiciously averting us, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.

October 5: In the automotive department, tested a taboo "Madonna look" by trying on a variety of similar pointy motor oil funnels.

October 7: Hid down in a jeans garment rack and when women browsed there, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

October 9: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he just assumed a fetal position and bawled "OH! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And the worst:
October 26: Went into a narrow fitting room, left the door ajar, squatted a while, then yelled very loudly from the room, "MA'AM, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!' Unfortunately, one of our clerks ran away.

In conclusion, Mrs. Khalsa, the Target staff members request that both you and your spouse stay away from our store in the future!

The management

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Vancouver Twenty-ten Winter Olympic Games =
Top men vying at ice events want low mercury.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
President Barack Obama ~
absorbed a market panic.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Tiger
Polar Bear
Pacific Walrus
Magellanic Penguin
Leatherback Turtle
Bluefin Tuna
Mountain Gorilla
Monarch Butterfly
Javan Rhinoceros
Giant Panda
=
We, human
Inhumane bunch,
Liken "fatal
Liberation"
Of particular
Fauna to
Grabbing capital,
Or paltry
Deceit,
Or gall,
Rejecting
Man's place
As loving
Nurturer.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Quote by Mark Twain

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The first line of 'Cherry Stones' by Winnie The Pooh author, A.A. Milne: "Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief." =
Healthy, happy,
Unerring man, in
Sensible shoes;
Brilliant, or real faith;
Affectionate, warm;
No nighttime rookie, or
Domestic horror!

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A priest driving to an appointment after church on a New York road is stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the man's breath, and then easily sees his discarded wine bottle on the car floor.

The trooper demands, "Sir, what have you been drinking?"

"Just water," he murmurs.

The keen cop asks him, "Aha! Then, why do I smell wine?"

Assessing the bottle, the priest cries, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

=

Stopping over into a bar, Mike addresses Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a strong one! I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Not again!" Charlie replies, opening a frosty bottle. "And how did this one end?"

Mike reports, "When it was over, she came to me properly on her hands and knees."

Charles notes, "That's progress! So, what did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you spineless little chicken!'"

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Professional golfer Tiger Woods =
Portfolio of seasoned girls grew .

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept off and on during most of the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her to answer a question while she was sound asleep. "Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his No. 2 pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

Susie leaped up and shouted, "God Almighty!"

The nun remarked, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny stuck her in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie.
~
The incredulous nun enthused, "You're right! Success! Hallelujah!"

But Susie, our still-drowsy schoolgirl, had soon returned to her nap.

Observing this, the relentless nun chose to ask the unaware student a new question: "Susie, answer this...What did Eve say to Adam after she had borne his twenty-third child?"

Nevertheless, Johnny again rescued his friend just in time, poking the sharp No. 2 pencil in her ass. Distressed Susie jumped to action, swore, and bellowed, "If you stick that thing in me once more, I will break it in half!!"

(The classmates all stood and cheered in a chorus of laughter, but the outdone nun had a sudden nosebleed.)

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A nurse's care =
Reassurance.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Do you think English is an easy language? If your answer is yes....

A farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that they had to refuse more refuse.

We must carefully polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would only get the lead out.

He decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, they thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at from above, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The medical insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about the correct way to row.

They were too close to the door to make it close.

A buck does funny things when does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer.

To help with planting, a farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was way too strong to wind the sail.

Upon seeing a tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

English is such a crazy language! There certainly is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and no apple OR pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England, nor were French fries invented in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand really works very slowly, boxing rings are actually square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One moose, two meese? ~
Makes sense to me - we see one solo goose, two geese, so two mongeese?

We're weird! It's a crazy idea that we can make amends but not offer a single amend. If one possesses a bunch of odds and ends, forfeits all but just one, what does he have left - the odd or the end?

If teachers taught, why don't we say the preacher praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Sometimes I think all English professors need to be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language in the world would people recite in a play and go play in a recital? Or ship freight by truck and send truck by ship? Or possess noses that run and feet that smell?

How do the two extreme opposites of slim chance and fat chance express the same thing, while two similar expressions - wise man and wise guy - denote the opposite? Yes, I have to wonder at the unique lunacy of a language in which a house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

The stressful English language was generated and written by people, pre-computer, of course, so it represents the creative jargon of the entire human race, which is not a race at all! That is why when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they're invisible.

Though I thought I was through with this rough interpretation and just need to proofread it, test it, post it, and adjourn (I'm tired...dog-tired), I still wonder why 'Buick' doesn't rhyme with 'quick'!

(For reference, this was forwarded to me in a newsletter, renewed and reworded; therefore, I don't suggest the newsletter's present reedited letters are new!)

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
United States General Stanley McChrystal =
My last insane stunt gets called 'treachery'.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
It's time for our quadrennial fixation;
With amazing judgement (or dumb luck),
Choose your favourite football nation
To predict the winners of the World Cup.
=
A fortune-telling octopod quaint
Jumped out from its tub restraint,
Foretold of a German win,
Which excited a humour of Berlin,
Who vocalized, "Our inky saint!"

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
As oil paints our ~
Louisiana ports.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A blonde in pigtails, seeking to earn some money, decides to hire herself out as a handywoman and begins canvassing rich neighborhoods. She walks up to the front door of the first house and asks the owner if he has any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint this porch. How much will you charge to do it?"

The blonde fidgets, hesitates, and asks, "How about fifty dollars?"

The man agrees and tells her that the paint, masking tape, ladder, etc. that she will need are in the garage.

The man's wife hears the conversation and asks her husband, "Does she know that the porch extends all the way around the house?"

The man replies, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short while later, the blonde walks up to the door to collect her money.

"Are you finished with that task already?" the man asks in disbelief.

"Sure," the blonde answers, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two vivid coats!"

Impressed, the man digs deep inside his pocket for the money.

"And by the way," the blonde adds, as she takes the fifty dollars, "it is not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

=

A blonde housewife is tired of all the blonde jokes, and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. To illustrate to her husband that blondes are actually smart, she decides to paint a couple of rooms and ceilings in their home while he is at work.

The next day, after her husband leaves, the happy woman gets right down to the task.

Her husband comes home, notices high scaffolding and detects the distinctive odor of half-dried paint. Startled, the man walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. Then he sees that she has on a ski parka and a shaggy mohair coat.

Hugging her, he asks her, "Honey, are you OK?"

The listless, headachy blonde sniffs, "Yes."

He asks her what she was trying to do.

The wife answers that she wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting their home.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"One Hundred Love Sonnets" by Pablo Neruda.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Liberal Democrats =
Calm deliberators.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
ary had a itte ab
Its feece as hite as sno.
And everyhere that ary ent
The ab as sure to go.
It fooed her to schoo one day
hich as against the rue.
It ade the chidren augh and pay
To see a ab at schoo.
=
Tot's Song

O*d *cDona*d had a far*
E-I-E-I-O
And on that far* he had ten shy shaggy sheep
E-I-E-I-O
Here a shy "Baa", there a shy "Baa"
Every*here that constant stuttered, "B-a-a"!

Chorus (taut staccato):

E-I-E-I-O
E-I-E-I-O

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
OLD __________ NEVER DIE...

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Social Network" =
How to create links.

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked his newly-hired employee.

"Yes sir, of course," the new worker replied.

"Well, that makes everything all right," the boss continued. "Right after you went home early yesterday
to attend your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

=

At breakfast the fatherless little Petey, an irreverent youngster, asked his retiree grandmother Beverly,
"Hey, how old are you?" Whereupon, she sweetly testified, "I'm thirty-nine and holding!"

Petey assessed her for a moment, then precociously asked, "How old would you be if you let go?"

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Today I heard Mr. Nielsen's soul claim: ~
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!"

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Actress Natalie Portman =
Spot an American starlet.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A shepherd was herding his flock into a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a stylish Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the young man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and quietly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone. Then he surfed to a page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and opened an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry. After a few moments, he received a response.

Finally, the young man printed a 159-page report on his miniaturized printer and turned to the shepherd and said,

=

"I have determined that you handle exactly 951 sheep."

"Correct," said the shepherd, appearing disheartened. "Go ahead, take one of the sheep."

He watched the expensively dressed, clean fingernailed man pick an animal in a hilly pasture and place it in his spotless new German car.

Before the winner could leave, the shepherd thought of a spontaneous proposition and signalled him to stop, pleading. "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give that animal back?"

"Sure, why not?" replied the flippant man, undeterred.

"You are a professional consultant!" the shepherd announced.

"Brilliant, I'm impressed!" answered the puzzled man. "How could you guess that?"

"No special knack required," stated the shepherd. "First, you turned up here at dawn when nobody called you. Then you offered to charge me for an answer I already knew, to something I never asked, and you don't know sh*t about my business!

Now, give me back my dog!"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Hemos Perdido Aun Este Crepusculo

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A great new movie "The King's Speech" =
Theme is when George VI can't speak.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2011:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
So, did you hear about the impending merger of Facebook, Twitter and YouTube? =
I doubt the buyer board, in regrouping, takes the doomed name of 'You Twit Face'!

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2011:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Ole and Lena: What to Do When it Snows in Minnesota
One winter morning in Minneapolis, Ole and his wife Lena were listening to the radio during breakfast and they heard the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to ten inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife Lena went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting ten to twelve inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Lena went out and moved her car again.
~
A few days later, they were again sharing breakfast, when a news announcer commented, "We can expect over twelve to fourteen inches of snow here today. This constitutes an unseasonable amount! You must park...."

Then the electricity went out. Lena got very upset and nervous. With a worried look on her face she said, "Oh no! I don't know what to do. Which side do I need to park on so the doggone snowplows are able to get through?"

With the genuine grace and understanding of all Minnesota husbands of Norwegian heritage who are married to innately strong women, he rose and replied in a tone of endearment, "Dear, why don't you leave it in the garage this time?"

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Please, no Rude anagrams in subject lines =
Manners! Spare us bleeding ejaculations!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" by L. Frank Baum =
Four warm fun folk, dazzled by the rainbow.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
So, what's really in McDonald's Chicken McNuggets? =
Necks, legs, guts and old corn, with many chemicals!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Fly in a hot air balloon
Witness a solar eclipse
Learn to juggle with three balls
Be an extra in a film
Visit a nudist beach
=
Empower the sightless
Excuse no foolish habits
Incur earnings at a job
Reveal an ability in art
Dwell in a tall Bali flat.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2011:
eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
If

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The US President Barack Obama =
Skeptic: "Oh dear, must be an Arab!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Six Irishmen are playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses five hundred pounds on a single hand, clutches his chest, quivers, and drops dead at the table. Yet, out of respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

O'Connor asks, "Well me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and try not to make the bad situation any worse.

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and raps on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks him what he wants.

He declares, "Your husband just lost five hundred pounds on a single hand, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

Gallagher says, "I'll go tell him."

=

Mary O'Donnell goes up to old Father O'Grady's office after a neighbourhood Sunday morning worship service and knocks on his door. When he answers, she's huddled attempting to hold back emotional tears.

Perplexed, the jolly silver-haired man greets her, "Mary O'Donnell! So, what's troubling ye this fine morning?"

Controlling her choked sobbing, Mary pronounces, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Me cantankerous old husband passed away last night."

The sympathetic priest says, "Good Lord, Mary, that's truly awful news. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

Thus, the woman says, "That he did, Father. He made a small supplication."

The old priest pursues supportively, "What did he say?"

She responds, "He said, Mary, if ye will please put down that gun....."

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Autobiography

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Walt Disney movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" =
I saw tiny men whistle, serve, wash, and vow to defend.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Every autobiography is concerned with two characters, a Don Quixote, the Ego, and a Sancho Panza, the Self." W. H. Auden. =
And now, a quaint exchange:

Psychiatrist to schizo chap: "Aha! You are both cured then!"

"We are, and we never felt so good!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2011:
eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Here are a few of the best text message abbreviations that have been used by seniors in social networking:

AAK: Alive And Kicking

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend's Funeral

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

CBM: Covered By Medicaid

CRS: Can't Remember Stuff

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: For Your Indigestion

GGMLKI: Gotta Go, My Laxative's Kicking In

GGMPBL: Gotta Go, My Pacemaker Battery's Low

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHMO: In My HMO

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LOL: Laying On Linoleum

LOLS: Living On Life Support

MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor

MILF: Meal I Like To Forget

OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

PIMP: Pooped In My Pants

RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

WTF: Wet The Furniture
~
AAK: Asleep At Keyboard

BBA: Born Bingo Aficionado

BVV: *Bleeping* Varicose Veins!

CTC: Change The Channel

EFM: Eligible For Medicaid

ENR: Eccentric, Not Rich

GOML: Get Off My Lawn

GTG: Got To Grumble

HTTV: Hurry, Take The Viagra!

IICR: If I Can't Remember...

IDK: I Don't Knit

IFMP: I Forgot My Pillbox

IHSK: I Have Stiff Knees

IL: Independent Living

IMHO: Is My Hearing-aid On?

INAGBM: I Need A Good Bowel Movement

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again

NW: New Wrinkle

OMR: Off My Recliner

OMSG: Oh, My! Sorry...Gas

ROTF...CGU: Rolling On The Floor... Can't Get Up!

SUS: Speak Up, Sonny!

TGIF: Thank God It's Four (It's time for an 'Early Bird Special'?)

TMTR: Too Much To Remember

TNE: Tired, Not Expired

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age

WWIS: What Was I Saying?

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2011:
Eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Space Shuttle Endeavour =
Launch devotees stare up.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Conspiracy Theories:

Roswell crash
Footage of man on the moon
Subliminal messages in cartoons
Elvis died, but exists =

Hoaxes:

Voting machine results
Lost Weapons of Mass Destruction
Nigerian fee solicitors made rich
Balloon Boy mess

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2011:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where it was always June." (Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of the Island)
=
Joyous slow weeks we each view,
Unlimited by gloom and doom;
Naturally in tune with all:
Earth, water, fire, and wind.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
The new McDonald's Happy Meal =
Demand healthy McApples now.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2011:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Why I'd advise never looking a gift horse in the mouth =
They've no mouthwash, reek of hidden oral gingivitis!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Puns and Groaners
(I. M. Apologetic)

I used to be a tailor, but I found the stitch work was just so-so.

What did the sign on a toy store say? "Don't feed the animals. They're already stuffed."

This duck walks into the bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

What planned Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau.

I used to be a shoe salesman, and then they gave me the boot.

Recently, they arrested the Chrysler salesman, and he couldn't a-Ford the bail.

What do you get if you cross a bullet with a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are round figures.

I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.

I used to work for Budweiser, but then I was canned.

I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.

Which president was the least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent.

News: They arrested the barber for running a clip joint.

I used to be a Velcro salesman, but I couldn't stick to it.

What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays a dragon, yet the other is draggin' a sleigh.

I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.

I used to be a doctor, but I lost all my patients.
~
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

I used to be a train driver, but I got sidetracked.

I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.

I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had my reservations.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, Sweetie.

I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? The miser is a little cheap and the canary is a little cheeper.

They arrested the Rhesus monkey for throwing his own feces at zoo attendants. His charge? Turd debris assault.

I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.

What would you get if you crossed bats with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? A wherewolf.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines again.

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.

I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.

I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.

I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King.

I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2011:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The path of the storm: Hurricane Irene =
In truth, the rich men are safe; the poor ...

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2011:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent." - Poet Carl Sandburg =
A wise saying here, yet I found undeniably inconvenient truth: Other people will allot this once basic commodity for you!

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2011:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Roland the Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since he was learning Spanish, of course Roland asked the guide to speak to him only in Spanish and correct any mistakes of usage.

They were hiking together on a mountain trail, when a very large purple and blue-coloured fly crossed their path.
~
The Englishman appraised the fly, pointing upwards with his new fishing rod in his hands, offering a phrase in broken Spanish, "Mira...el...mosca."

The relentless guide, turning the error into an honest opportunity to show proper language skills, chided, "No, señor, 'la mosca' es feminina."

Roland looked at the guide, then back at the fly, and said, "You have spectacular eyesight!"

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2011:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Lewis Carroll from "Through the Looking Glass" =
So it's morning. First, I believe I might possibly:

Take a bath
Exercise dogs
Smell flowers
Shelve books for sale
Hum
Anagram

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2011:
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls." - Pablo Picasso =
I do suppose an artist of abstract figures showed a soulful philosophy of life.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Anagrammy Challenge for November is to describe yourself using these words." =
Here's a secret: I'm old. How old? Gangs of vultures sit eyeing me from nearby branches!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Man is accidentally shot by his own dog =
And I'd say, somewhat consolingly, "Bitch!"

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2011:
eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The tangled, broken seasonal lights that hang awkwardly from that theatre roof remind me of the angry politicians. Why? ~
They all hang together, half of them simply don't work, and the ones that are working aren't always so bright--in fact, are dim!

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2011:
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
On the first day of Christmas...

Table of All-Time Placegetters

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