Anagrammy Placings by Meyran Kraus

All the highly-placed anagrams by Meyran Kraus from the Anagrammy Awards.

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 1998:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Beauty and the Beast =
Be nauseated by that.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 1998:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Cartoons =
No actors.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The mask of Zorro =
To hero's mark of 'Z'.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, August 1998:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Please add me to your mailing list =
You tell lies, I end it - do spamagram.

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, August 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Please add me to your mailing list =
You tell lies, I end it - do spamagram.
I do digital spam - lure, steal money.
Dull spam idiot. Steal money? I rage!
See my 'polite' anagrams, dull idiot.
You sad idiot illegal net spammer!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Chevrolet =
Love the car!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 1998:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ludwig van Beethoven's Fifth Symphony in C minor =
Hint: Hymn V by deaf composer. Fun! Loving it! He wins!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, October 1998:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The act of fellatio =
Eat tool? Face-filth!
Felt the facial, too?
To fill face, eat hot.
Fat tool? I felt ache.
Felt hot oil at face.
Eat hole to afflict.
All of it to the face.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Silicone Transplants =
Plan nicer tits on lass.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 1998:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Johannes Vermeer van Delft's "Girl with a pearl earring" =
'Teen and her jewel' - performing ravishing art. All raves!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, November 1998:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Wet T-Shirt Contest =
Wants hot, erect tits.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 1998:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Arthur C. Clarke's "Two Thousand and One: A Space Odyssey" =
PC Hal on: "Do you want astronauts dead?" "Yes." He's crackers!

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, November 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Wet T-Shirt Contest =
Wants hot, erect tits.
Water tits, not chest!
Watch & sort teen tits.
Can test her two tits.
Rate twin-tots' chest.
Western act: Hot tits!
Tart chest-set? It won!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Caravaggio's "The Decapitation Of Saint John The Baptist" =
An artist, he jots 'beheading of a chap'. It's too captivating!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, December 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Let me show you this POWERFUL way to secure your PROSPERITY and FREEDOM. =
How low... Please don't SPAM me or you're HISTORY, you rude, creepy twit. Suffer!!!

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"When you enjoy something, you must never let logic get too much in the way. Like the villains in all the James Bond movies. Whenever Bond breaks into the complex: 'Ah, Mr. Bond, welcome, come in. Let me show you my entire evil plan and then put you in a death machine that doesn't work'."
-- Jerry Seinfeld, "Sein Language"
=
"Double-O-Seven has sex with plenty of women, too, but he never puts on a condom. Come on, you eerie, English agent! You can't have them all. There's pregnancy, Aids. I just know love'll kill you eventually. 'I'm intelligent, I'm bright, me, me, me. The job? Her Majesty can wait!'... Chase Dr. No, not women!"
-- Mey K., in "Hide ID, Win Her Hand!"

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, December 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" =
Stone's velvet pubic hair? Can sin!
Seen Sharon's cunt via pelvic bit.
Evil Sharon's cunt? Sin, be captive.
Is Sharon's pelvic bit (even a cunt!)
Be evil, inspect via Sharon's cunt.
'Pelvic Eve'- Sharon's cunt-bait? Sin!
Be in Sharon's active cunt, pelvis.
Her cunt's visible, is open & vacant.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Alanis Morissette: Thank You

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Libyan desert =
Let's be in dry heat!

The Sahara desert =
Ass rather heated...

The Nubian desert =
Burned in the east.

The Gobi desert =
Be hot? Gets dire!

The Great Australian desert =
Gets real arid. Sun? Heat-treat!

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Brilliant gold taps, virginal white marble, a seat carved from ebony, a cistern full of Chanel Number Five, and a flunky handing me pieces of raw silk toilet roll. But under the circumstances, I'll settle for anywhere..."
=
From the Irvine Welsh novel, 'Trainspotting', a film by Danny Boyle, is brutal, full of "fuck" and "shit", and effective.
Ewan McGregor's remarkable as a Scottish, urban intellectual heroin-addict. Cruel, real; will repel men.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Encyclopaedia Britannica =
Can be a dictionary in place.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Frente: Safe From You

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 1999:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Sexually Transmitted Disease =
Lays? Uses latex. AIDS terminated!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Philip K. Dick's "Do androids dream of electric sheep?" =
Rick Deckard (H. Ford) dispelled machines? I oppose it!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, April 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"This is a one time mailing. You will not receive an e-mail from our company again. Thank you." =
"A tiny, illicit violation? Spamming me once? How generous of you! A real humanitarian..." Mey K.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WE DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING AVAILABLE FOR DSS, SATELITE OR DIGITAL CABLE SYSTEMS AND DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FOR THEM ANY TIME SOON.
=
I exhibit a most annoying, ineffective spam that mentally-challenged nerds sent. A logo? "To Rob!"... Very sad. WAY too sad. It has to end!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Summer time and the living is easy
Fish are jumping and the cotton is high
Your dad is rich and your mom is so good looking
So hush little baby don't you cry
=
Hot season is here, humdrum is harmony;
Giddy cod is coming, crop is tall.
Father has money and mother is just divinity;
You sobbing, kid? Enough. You got it all.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dangerous Narcotic =
Snort a drug - Cocaine.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Brian De Palma's Bonfire Of The Vanities =
Ban this barren movie as a definite flop.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Shel Silverstein Dies of Heart Attack =
Hear the fantastic 'kids-level' stories.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
I love licking cunts =
Sucking on clit? Vile!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
This "Hot", new, technology will also allow you to (realistically) make $2-5,000 in less than 30 days part-time! =
Hey, 'Netwit'! This totally cool anagram shall only cost you 500 dollars. Please mail it within 20-30 weeks.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Madame Curie =
Me, Radium ace.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Palestine Liberation Organization =
Arabs' petition? Legalize their nation? No.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Palestine Liberation Organization =

Arabs' petition? Legalize their nation? No.
Arabs' petition - Legalization?! Not in here!
[Israeli government POV]

The elite: Arab got nation? Zion's in a peril!
"An Arab ghetto in Israel", point Zion elite.
[Israeli right-wing POV]

Arabs' petition - Legalization? Oh, enter in!
[Israeli left-wing POV]

To elite: "No nation? Ha! I rebel in Gaza Strip!"
[Palestinian POV]

Lebanon: "I hate Israeli pig at rotten Zion!"
[Lebanon feeling left out]

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sydney Pollack's Tootsie =
Testicles on lady? Spooky...

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The British Royal Wedding at Saint George's Chapel, Windsor =
Two rising 'English Trash', Edward & Sophie, celebrating today.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WHAT MAKES US SO SPECIAL?????

We process over $4 Billion in credit card transactions every year.
We have over 100,000 merchants online and growing.
We offer secured on-line real time transactions.
We offer 24 hour customer service 7 days a week in 17 different languages.
We offer complete training and installation through our technical support group.
We offer a life time warranty and unlimited upgrades.
We help make money for your company and your customers.

=

WHAT MAKES ME REALLY MAD?????

Fuckers who are in love with theirselves.
Spammers e-mailing feces.
Low-life wankers ruining our net.
Warts & acne covered nerds posting awful, used stuff to newsgroups.
Eerie Pyramid Scams.
"Our letter can change your life" crap.
A guarantee of "Double your money" or "$40 to $40,000".
Every annoying, coffee\acid\cocaine-user pervert starting a letter with "712 Pure Hardcore Porno Pics of 71 horny women..."

And a final one:

A moronic list I didn't want!

 

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Gorgon Medusa =
"God! Her mug!"... a stone.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The American Society of Cinematographers =
It's a cameramen force- they're shooting a pic!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Penthouse Centerfold =
No clothes? Nude, fare pet!
Pose half nude? Not erect!
Pose nude? Cheer- not flat!
See a cunt, fondle her top.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Little Boy and the Old Man

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
America's Funniest Home Videos =
'Amateur Comedies On VHS' is fine!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Prime Minister, Ehud Barak =
Hi, President Mubarak! I'm there!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, July 1999:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Prime Minister, Ehud Barak =
Hi, President Mubarak! I'm there!
Met heir: "Hi, President Mubarak!"

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" =
"Nightmares or omens? Frustrated? Fed up? I end it!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with: [The lines uttered by Samuel L. Jackson in 'Pulp Fiction' whenever he had to kill a guy]
Ezekiel Twenty-five, Seventeen:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
=
From Tarantino's funny, violent (yet new-style) 'Pulp Fiction'. The intense, groundbreaking hit features over-dose, rape and seinfeldish dialogs, and presents a few well-known men as Travolta, Keitel, Roth, Walken and Stoltz. This biblical quote is spoken by the Bad Mother-fucker himself, Samuel L. He says it every time he has to off new men: "Here's the scene: When I guide the needy, the poor, the shy, you, lewd son of seventy whores, try to get in their way. The devil worshiper, indeed! Ohhhhhhh, I AM god... and you're heading down to hell."

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Western Wall in Jerusalem, Israel =
Shrine? All Jews treasure it well. Amen.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Michael Jordan's first motion picture =
Director ruins hit toon-film, "Space Jam".

 

SPAM CATEGORY, September 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
No Working!!!!!
No Selling!
No Meetings!
No Dressing Up!
No Time Required!
No Telephone Calls!
No Running Around!
No Presentations!
No Face-To-Face Contact!
=
No Uncaring Internet Felons!!!!!
No "Quick-Cash, So Log On" Conning!
No "test ignore" Genre!
No Fraudulent Deception!
No Misrepresentation!
No Spam Allowed!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sylvia Plath: Words

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mental Disorder =
Lose mind, retard?

 

SPAM CATEGORY, November 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Under Bill S.1618 TITLE III passed by the 105th U.S. Congress this letter Can Not be Considered unsolicited as long as I include a way to be removed. To be removed from future mailings Free, simply respond with "REMOVE" in the subject line. This will permanently remove you from all future mailing from this e-mail address. I promptly honor all remove requests. PLEASE SEND REMOVES TO: larryv@england.com

=

Ironically, we hide behind constitutional laws.
Some justice - they indict presidents, but set spammers free...
So what are you going to do about it? It's a free country, love.
Mind your business and leave spamming for spammers...
End it? No problem! Send a letter to: evil.modem.muggers@fromhell
(include an irreversible cheque for 1,681,150 dollars in the envelope)

From "Devil's Little Helpers",
Mr. Larry V Smelly

 

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Garbageman =
Bag manager.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Robert Schumann =
Brahms' Nocturne.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, December 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
* BARELY LEGAL TEEN SLUTS
* LIVE SEX WITH SOUND
* OVER SIX THOUSAND VIDEO FEEDS
* UNLIMITED FREE VIDEO SEX
* HARDCORE CELEBRITY PICS
* TENS OF 1000s OF FREE HARDCORE PICTURES
THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORLD'S BEST PORN SITE !!
YOU WANT IT ..... WE GOT IT .... ALL HERE - E V E R Y T H I N G !!
WE SURE HOPE YOU ARE CUMMING TO SEE US!
WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS CLICK!!
http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/deplace1/index.html

=

* VIOLATION OF INNOCENT GIRLS
* EXCRUCIATING SCREAMS
* DIRTY MOVIES
* LOVELESS INTERCOURSE
* UNREAL VIPs FUCK
* EXTREMELY CHEAP PHOTOS
To low-duty buttholes:
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
The world will be better if you didn't exist:
Where I read my messages without 161,000 lists...
Where Spam is beef...
Where children experience life, not torture...
Where twits get offed and go with god...
Where there is peace.

 

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
American President John Fitzgerald Kennedy =
Crazy sniper named Lee ended JFK? No, ain't right.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hieronymous Bosch's "Creation of the World", "Paradise", "Garden of Earthly Delights" and "Hell". =
Oh, this is a lewd, colorful triptych of a mad Hollander: "Genesis", "Eden", "Abhorrent Orgy", "Hades".

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The battle for Elian's custody =
Oh stay, little fostered Cuban!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Winner of a Beauty Contest =
A fine butt to screw, anyone?

 

SPAM CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You Can Easily Stop "Incurable" Herpes Outbreaks Now =
Ah, Can You Eat A Boner, Silly Web-Poster? Suck Our Penis!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Herpes Simplex II, otherwise known as genital herpes, is caused by a virus that normally remains dormant in the body until it "wakes up", replicates in mass and causes an outbreak, usually during times of stress or lowered immune system vitality.
The Herpes viruses are easily transmitted but according to current generally accepted medical science these viruses still can't be killed.
=
Web Epidemic, AKA Spammerisis Syndrome: A brain tumor usually found in perverted computer nerds, who truly think they can harass us and take our money. Visible signs: Wit loss, sinister eyes, sexual stimulation while staring at Pamela Lee's tits.
This spam-sending illness can't be cured till every E-Mail harasser, eccentric pervert and bullshit geek (i.e. you) is castrated, electrocuted etc.

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
New York, USA =
You wankers!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ill Old Man Wins Lottery =
Twenty million dollars.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Christmas Present =
Santa's sperm? I retch!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
<seecups@excite.com>
Best Flesh in the West Found at this Tasty Site!!
No Bull At This Site--Just Raw and Pure Pleasure! Over 18 Only
http://3626174393/Pluto/aarne
=
I wish a jury of 12 poor, sexually used teens will sentence that obese pervert pest, cut his testicles and then put 1,837,439,366 tarantulas up his fat bottom.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
France's Capital =
Clean fact: Paris.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Ten Commandments, each anagrammed separately.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wearing a toupee =
I tape a wee rug on.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Pope's speech in Israel, grieving for the Holocaust dead =
The perished group? He apologised for the Vatican's silence.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Toilet Brush =
Shit-trouble!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's an idea... (81058)
If you think FREE PORN on the net is hard to find, think again...
We've got thousands of FREE XXX pics and FREE VIDEOS waiting for you!
=
To (81058):
I *think* you pissed off the wrong person.
I won't visit an XXX site even if I had gonorrhea and you had a cure.
Here's a different ending: Take off!!!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
TRANSYLVANIA (IT) - Two attractive young women have disappeared while vacationing in the Transylvanian Mountains. Their garments have been found stained with partially digested blood and bat and human saliva. This and similar occurrences are causing international concern. Detective Iulia Popescu of the Transylvanian Police has concluded that the missing people are now slaves to the infamous Count Dracula.

Does this news article frighten you?

=

TEL-AVIV, ISRAEL - An unsuspecting (and cute) twenty-year-old opened his mail, only to discover tedious spam (Aaaahhh!) about an undead pervert in a Romanian castle. Tel-Aviv PD has confirmed it's a product of "Cruel net-thieves, biting the world-wide-web's veins, feeding on the innocent and persuading others ('WEALTH! CASH!!!') that electronic harassing is a normal activity that results in an actual financial uprise."

Will this anagram convince you to not annoy me again?

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle's The Hound of the Baskervilles =
Lurid story of hero Sherlock and an evil beast he hunts.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said he has prostate cancer =
Oh, US Senate chair campaign's hard? Drop it! You are ill!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Genital Warts =
Rinse twat, gal!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, April 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
HOW TO MAKE MONEY IN THE COMMODITY MARKETS WITHOUT LOSING SLEEP
=
You're mocking me with 'Hot, New' spam, idiot. Sell that to some monkey.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, April 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's what our customers say...

Testimonial # 1 - I knew having a Merchant Account would increase my sales, But never thought it would be so great. In addition in being able to take major credit cards, I can also do real time credit card processing on the internet and receive orders while I am Sleeping. It's awsome! I encourage every serious business owner to get one. Thanks. M.B./MI

Testimonial # 2 - " Being a homebased business owner, no one would approve me, until this came my way. I am more than greatful. Within 10 days I had my Merchant Account set up. I am more than pleased with the 24 hr. customer service. My business has sky rocketted because I now can accept credit card orders. " Oscar/FL

=

Here are 2 rambling idiots we abused:

Sorry Ass I - "I'm Bill Gates and Merchant Account screwed me over. I used to be an attractive man with no PC or internet knowledge, then those cursed Merchant Account weasels said a computer career would be a great job. Sure... Now I'm a moronic, eerie liar on trial, and Microsoft has been repossessed."

Sorry Ass II - "My name is Bill Clinton and I'm the US president. I used to be a happy man with a loving spouse, then Merchant Account suggested me to hire Monica Lewinsky, a big-mouthed bitch. Now my marriage is ruined, of course, the country indicts me, the white house receives 41,120 swastikas a day, even my weirdo vice Al Gore can't talk to me... Thanks, cunts!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
City of Nazareth, Israel =
Christ-zone? A fairy tale!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Inflammatory Bowel Disease =
My ass blew fire, I moaned a lot.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's how we prepare our e-mail lists:

1. We clean and eliminate all duplicates.

2. Next, we use a filter list of 400+ words/phrases to clean even more. No address with inappropriate or profane wording survive!

3. Then, a special filter file is used to eliminate the 'Web Poisoned' e-mail addresses from the list. Our EXCLUSIVE system reduced these 'poison' addresses to near zero. You may have seen CD's with 30, 40, 50 million addresses, not only do they contain may undeliverable addresses, but most are notorious for millions of these 'poisoned' email addresses.

4. Next we used our private database of thousands of known 'extremists' and kicked off every one we could find. NOTE: We maintain the world's largest list of individuals and groups that are opposed to any kind of commercial e-marketing... they are gone, nuked!

5. We sorted the list into easy-to-manage packets of 20,000 addresses in a simple text (.txt) format.

6. All domains have been verified as valid.

=

Here's how to prepare Sweet and Sour Spammer:

1. Hunt the eerie little shit using a dollar bill as bait.

2. Next, kill it! Use whichever method you want: suffocation, decapitation, poison, AIDS or even 500 stabs to the kidneys.

3. Time to fill our dead spammer!
Slice it open using a chain saw and remove insides with a spoon. Fill the empty cadaver with EXPLOSIVES, a zillion dead red-ants and fleas, mayo-dip, fried sea-weeds, turkey dressing, some dried olives, dental floss, a handful of poison oak leaves, deer excrement and lard for some extra aftertaste.

4. Next, make the sauce: Boil some red wine in a pot; gradually add 40cc of your own spit (Sweet) and pee (Sour). Slowly stir for 40 seconds. NOTE: Add some more beverages (like soda) or even standard water to maintain moisture.

5. Insert the dead stiff in the oven for 200 minutes in 3000F degrees, or wait 'till the oven explodes. Finally, pour sauce and sprinkle some sesame seeds.

6. Serve cold to your sworn enemies.

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
You will not hear from us again; as a matter of fact, you do not need to ask us to delete your name from the list since we will not contact you ever again.
=
There once was a looter from Scarsdale
Who sent uninformative-ad e-mails
Until I got a gun
Tore you yet-a-new-one
And let my cat fuck you, too. ("Soft tail!")

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The big ocean-liner, 'The Titanic' =
Hit one iceberg in the Atlantic.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome =
No medicine? Medics query, may find cure.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Male Genitals =
Gentle salami.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, June 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE IN CASE OF ANY MAIL PROBLEMS!
=
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're a porn-spammer ninny
And slime, so FUCK YOU!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, June 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The State vs. Mortimer I. Looty

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
E-mail Address =
Dread Melissa!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mel Gibson, "The Patriot" =
He is promoting battle!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, July 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
No competition, no inventory, no product hassles. =
No spam, no loony idiots, no 'Nice Hot Cunt' perverts.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, July 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:

"Smooth," Santana Featuring Rob Thomas
"Back At One," Brian McKnight
"I Wanna Love You Forever," Jessica Simpson
"I Knew I Loved You," Savage Garden
"My Love Is Your Love," Whitney Houston
"I Need To Know," Marc Anthony
"U Know What's Up," Donell Jones
"Waiting For Tonight," Jennifer Lopez
"Hot Boyz," Missy Elliott
"24/7," Kevon Edmonds
"Bring It All To Me," Blaque
"Steal My Sunshine," Len
"Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit Of...)," Lou Bega
"Girl On TV," LFO
"Unpretty," TLC
"Then The Morning Comes," Smash Mouth
"Where My Girls At?," 702
"What A Girl Wants," Christina Aguilera
"Satisfy You," Puff Daddy
"Get Gone," Ideal
"4, 5, 6," Sole Featuring JT Money & Kandi
"Meet Virginia," Train
"Someday," Sugar Ray
"Back That Thang Up," Juvenile
"Learn To Fly," Foo Fighters
"15 Minutes," Marc Nelson
"Breathe" Faith Hill
"Blue (Da Ba Dee)," Eiffel 65
"He Didn't Have To Be," Brad Paisley
"When I Said I Do," Clint Black
"He Can't Love U," Jagged Edge
"Black Balloon," Goo Goo Dolls
"That's The Way It Is" Celine Dion
"Hanginaround" Counting Crows
"(You Drive Me) Crazy," Britney Spears
"Got Your Money" Ol' Dirty Bastard
"Get It On Tonite," Montell Jorden
"Shake Your Bon-Bon," Ricky Martin
"Stay The Night," IMx
"Heartbreaker," Mariah Carey
"If You Love Me," Mint Condition
"Will 2K," Will Smith Featuring K-Ci
"She's So High," Tal Bachman
"Genie In A Bottle," Christina Aguilera
"Dancin'," Guy
"Scar Tissue," Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Got To Get It'," Sisqo
"I Love You," Martina McBride
"You Can Do It'," Ice Cube

=

"Mooch," Wantanal Featuring Rob Toomuch
"Suck A Twat," Braindead McShite
"I'm Gonna Tear You A New One," J-Succa Pimp's-Bone
"Kneel And Suck It," Hava Hardon
"My Wish Is Your Death," Whitey Youstiff
"I Love To Blow," My Mouthonit
"You Know You're Crap," Dontsell Jobs
"Wanna Pick A Fight?," Jennifer No-Turds
"Sex Toyz," Pissy Idiot
"555-6247," I've-No Bedmates
"Send Some Green To Me," Bollocks
"Steal My Money," Leech
"My Bone Is A Size 2 (A Little Bit-Off...)," I Beg-Ya
"Perv On LSD," FOOL
"Damn Shitty," SOB
"When The Horny Cum," Smash Teeth
"Where My Dollars At?," $0.7
"Watch A Girl's Twat," Clitina Sluttiera
"Putrefy, Goon," Tough Noodle
"Get Lost," Mydear
"I Can't Count," R. Dole Featuring BS Ninny & Randi
"Neat Virgin," Trash
"I Nag," Hugo Fry
"Bang That Hard, Nun," Evilguy
"Learn To Lie," Roo Eaters
"16 Muggers," Dark Hell-Son
"Heave It," I Kill
"Bull (Ba Da Bing)," IQ-25
"He Didn't Have To Be A Slime," Lad Miserable
"Then I Go To A Loo," Cling Fuck
"I Can Enslave You," JJ Fee
"E-mail Goon," Go To Hell
"Road To Oblivion," Hellin Neon
"Hangingaghoul," Aging Crooks
"(I Want Your) Spammer Meat," Beteeny Spreads
***not changed...***
"I Have HIV," Injail Jizm
"I've A Con Con," Icky Virgin
"Buy It Now," I-MF
"Fartmaker," Myrearis Hairy
"Then I Strangle You," Git-Convention
"Lie 4 K's," Bite Me Featuring Fa-Q
"I'm So Low," Pal Beatme
"Finger In My Butthole," Clitina Sluttiera
"Rancid," Boy
"Thirty Cuts," Go Rot Silly Leper
"Got To Send Shit," Sicko
"Get Shot And Die," Tartina Backride
"Huge Darn Idiot," Arse Lube

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mary Magdalene =
Legendary ma'am.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Victoria's Secret Catalogue =
Cool, cause I crave great tits.

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Victoria's Secret Catalogue =
Got actual erotica services.
Cool, cause I crave great tits.
Our static, erotic cleavages.
It's our erotic cleavages act.
Covet a girl: "A cute, erotic ass!"

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2000:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Self-gratification =
It is carnal, I get off.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, August 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SAVED MY LIFE!!!!!
I KNOW THAT THIS SOUNDS RIDICULOUS BUT IT IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH!!
=
YOU ARE THE SADDEST, MOST HIDEOUS STUPID LITTLE SHIT-FACE EVER FOUND!!!
I KNOW THIS IS AN INSULT BUT BET IT'S THE TRUTH!!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, August 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Management Software
I'd like to introduce to you the company rules and regulation system that a company need and has been proved very useful in China as follows (this company rules and regulation system is one of the items that presented above I can provide the company management consulting to you).
These items covers all the factors in a company management that you can make a broad choice from them and I'd like meet you in your office to fulfill these items in detail for you.
The management software is based on the whole factors in the process of management.The parts of it interact each other, make up a integrity , a system .It is not only based on strengthful theory, but also based on abundant applicability. It is proved to be practicable and efficient.According to the management software ,you can exactly advance the management standard, and it help you realize your company strategy and your company goal.
Temporary managing client(temporary general manager£(c)¡¢company management software (e.g.company rules and regulation system)¡¢company management consulting service and other services are my company business items.Especilly the company management software (e.g. company rules and regulation system), which I would like to introduce to you, is the primary consulting service.The company management software has been proved to be applicable and efficient according to being used in China.It can work in short time, and our company's first tenet is serving you£¬the charge is reasonable and acceptable. We promise in the honor of our company. We ensure the quality of the service. Welcome to contact me in any time whenever you need me. This is my honor to serve you here in Beijing China.
Looking forward to receiving your message.

=

Mr. Boring Bill, bugging spammer,
My reasonably good temper and my tragic heart condition convinced me to spare you from a more eagerly tense reply to a cocky, crappy, inane, vacantly tacky BS e-mail you sent me. Instead, please accept some funny anecdotes your (remaining) clients mentioned about yo groggy, very crummy, big-tummy, piggy, blubbery, provocative pervert, ugly anomaly of a mama:

client One: "Yo mama is so fat, she had dinner at McDonald's once, and contributed nine more digits to the 'Burgers Served' counter."
client Two: "Yo mama is so fat, I wanted to dip my cock in her the other night, so I rolled her in flour to see where her cunt is."
client Three: "Yo mama is so fat, NASA declared her as a second moon."
client Four: "Yo mama is so fat, you were born with a dent in your head, cause your horny papa didn't know she was pregnant."
client Five: "Yo mama is so fat, your papa jumped on her once... they had to scrape him off the ceiling."
client Six: "Yo mama is so fat, she considers a wheel-o-cheese as a health food."
client Seven: "Yo mama is so fat, she gave your puppy a hug once, and it was never found again."
client Eight: "Yo mama is so fat, you pay another mortgage for her butt."
client Nine: "Yo mama is so fat, nineteen randy campers could use her panties as a tent."
client Ten: "Yo mama is so fat, an elephant gave *her* peanuts once."
client Eleven: "Yo mama is so fat, I've been in her cunt one time and realized I can't scream..."
client Twelve: "Yo mama is so fat, she won a 'Springer Beauty Queen' title."
client Thirteen: "Yo mama is so fat, she can pick up a cent using her tits."
client Fourteen: "Yo mama is so fat, she once went to the top of the leaning tower of Pisa, and the constructors cancelled their cement plan."

More are at:
http://www.kgb.gvr/comp/Online-Entertainment/GiantCuntClan/topten.cgi

Get bent, you dumb mugger.
Mey K.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Jack be Nimble
Jack be Quick
To See the Hottest Porn
You Have to Click

http://www.smutserve.com

=

Jerk be Shitty
Jerk be Sick
Love-Act? Cum-Bath?
No! Shove a Stick!

http://www.CuteEloquentPoem.com

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, September 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
NOTE!
REPORT #2 will explain you the best methods for transmitting large amounts of emails, and will tell you where to locate free software designed for sending bulk email, and free software designed to harvest email addresses off the internet, giving you an inexhaustible supply of potential buyers. Moreover, this report will indicate you where to obtain email lists. The greater your number of programs sold, the greater the amount of money for yourself and those who are already involved in the program. If you make money, I make money, therein every possible advantage is given to you in the hope you succeed.

=

So... let me stress my deep resentment to a born-pervert, sex-offender, most revolting example of no self control, dull spammer's rotten stuff:

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways:
I hate you more than words can ever say
I hate you every single rising day
I hate your frigging swollen pig-like grin
I hate your gut and all it holds within
I hate your ever-smelling vermin feet
I hate all of the kinds of food you eat
I hate you at far mountains, ever-steep
I hate you in old oceans, ever-deep
I hate your bleeding feeble web of lies...
I dream and hope to see you rot and die.

(M. Kraus, borrowing a small part from E. Barrett Browning's poem.)

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
President Milosevic =
Voters discipline me.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Three anagrams of A Daughter of Eve by Christina Georgina Rossetti

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner =
Try a cartoon duel where none die!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mel Carnahan, the Governor of Missouri =
Great crash - mourn him, for no one's alive.

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Winter Nightfall by Robert Bridges

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
To revenge =
Or get even?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US Elections =
Count these lies.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
OLD FRIENDS
OLD CLASSMATES
MILITARY BUDDIES
DEADBEAT DADS & MOMS
SIBLING'S
RELATIVES
LOST LOVED ONES
WITNESS LOCATING
=
LAME MORONS,
SAD CRETINS,
BAD-ASS IDIOTS,
BRAIN-DEAD CLODS,
EVIL DOLTS,
VAIN DWEEBS,
SILLY OLD GITS,
FALSE NET-DUMMIES:
Get lost.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Justness, Sagaciousness, Abstinence, Fortitude, Faith, Hope and Love - The Seven Godly Virtues.
=
Pride, Covetousness, Lust, Sofa-Sloth, Envy, Rage, A DUI/Just Being Fat- The Seven Theodicean Sins.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Palm Beach, Florida =
Al? Bad place for him...

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
I'm Otto, German Nazi lad,
Read plays by Bertolt Brecht;
Pray Hitler is alive each night -
Shout "O, Ya!" nude, erect.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2000:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Biggest and Most Creative Painters of All Times =
Manet: Gentle 'Barmaid''s a top sight - it's so reflective!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Amebic Dysentery =
Scene may be dirty...

 

SPAM CATEGORY, December 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The more E-mails you send out, the more cash you will receive! =
Sure, cheesy shite... Come over, I'll mutilate your wee manhood!

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Charlie's Angels (2000)

Directed by Joseph McGinty Nichol

The Tagline: Get some action

The Cast
Cameron Diaz .... Natalie Cook
Drew Barrymore .... Dylan Sanders
Lucy Liu .... Alex Munday
Bill Murray .... Bosley
Sam Rockwell .... Eric Knox
Tim Curry .... Roger Corwin
Kelly Lynch .... Vivian Wood
Crispin Glover .... The Thin Man
John Forsythe .... Charlie (voice)
Matt LeBlanc .... Jason Gibbons
LL Cool J .... Mr. Jones
Tom Green (III) .... Chad
Luke Wilson .... Pete
Sean Whalen .... Pasqual
Tim Dunaway .... The Flight Attendant
Alex Trebek .... Himself
Raleigh Wilson .... The Reform Officer
Mark Ryan (I) .... The Fencing Opponent
Bobby Ore .... The Driving Instructor
Guy Oseary .... The D.J.
Joe Duer .... The UPS Delivery Guy
Matthew Frauman .... a Red Star Systems Techie
Reginald C. Hayes .... a Red Star Systems Techie (as Reggie Hayes)
Melissa McCarthy .... Doris
Robert J. Stephenson .... The Red Star Systems Director (as Bob Stephenson)
Ned Bellamy .... The Red Star Systems Director
Raymond Patterson .... The Director's Buddy
Bjorn Flor .... The Red Star Systems Security Guard
Gaven E. Lucas .... a Boy
Michael Barryte .... a Boy
Andrew Wilson (III) .... Corwin's Driver
Brandon Williams (I) .... The Assistant Director (as Branden Williams)
Michiko Nishiwaki .... a Stuntwoman
Frank Marocco .... an Accordionist
Darrell Pfingsten .... a Partygoer
Jim Calloway .... a Bouncer (as Jimmy Calloway)
Kevin Grevioux .... a Bouncer
Michael Papajohn .... a Bathroom Thug
Jim Palmer .... a Shooter
Shawn Woods .... a Shooter
Kenny Endoso .... a Getaway Driver
Tom Garner .... a Getaway Driver
Isaac C. Singleton Jr..... a Kidnapper
Paul Eliopoulos .... a Knox Thug
Tim Gilbert .... a Knox Thug
Al Goto .... a Knox Thug
Steven Ito .... a Knox Thug
Felipe Savahge .... a Knox Thug
Mike Smith (I) .... a Knox Thug
Jerry Trimble .... a Knox Thug
Jennifer Cole (I) .... Corwin's Assistant
Sylvie Hoffer .... Karen McDougal (cameo)

The Writing credits (WGA)
Ivan Goff (The TV series) and
Ben Roberts (III) (The TV series)
Ryan Rowe (written by) and
Ed Solomon (I) (written by) and
John August (written by)

Produced by Drew Barrymore
Joseph M. Caracciolo (executive)
Amanda Goldberg (associate)
Leonard Goldberg
Nancy Juvonen
Aaron Spelling (executive)
Betty Thomas (I) (executive)
Jenno Topping (executive)

=

Now, I DO know the year 2000 barely gave us any brilliant cinematic creations, and Oscar nominations are very rare, but good god - who gave THIS crummy movie an OK? Who went to watch this 'booby trap' (no pun intended), and why?

Twenty one explanations are given to why Charlie's Angels is a major box-office hit:

1) A subliminal message was clearly inserted in the groovy theme song by Destiny's Child, as the young, sexy band members repeatedly sang the movie's name in the video while dancing around in mini-skirts... OK, maybe it wasn't really *subliminal*.

2) Adult movie-goers are clearly ten-year-old fools in disguise.

3) Thousands bet this crappy movie is more retarded than the series; they had to watch it to settle the score.

4) Tim Curry and Bill Murray's rare, hilarious dialogs... just kidding.

5) Bold, uproarious jabs at King Lear... just kidding again.

6) Cameron Diaz's perky, gorgeous jugs.

7) Lucy Liu's long, sexy legs.

8) Drew Barrymore's... ah... Drew Barrymore's... It can't be her jokes, can it?!

9) Scenes where the girls wear, say or explore something promiscuous... all six-hundred of them.

10) Nothing spells jolly good fun like watching major babes box, jog, crawl in muck, cock a gun, flex, wriggle, climb a rope, talk trash, take bombs apart, perform exact Kung Fu moves, wag a butt, make love, nap, bowl, fix a radiator, groom, bathe, crap, order a cab and fry eggs - IN BLACK LATEX!!!

11) American TV's winter offerings.

12) I recall this is exactly the same America that chose G.W. Bush Jr. as president over Gore.

13) Poetic justice and God are no more.

14) The premiere was on a very rainy (or very foggy) day.

15) It holds the 'Number of Cars Totalled in One Scene' record.

16) Cameron clearly invited all of her ex-lays to watch it; that can explain at least ninety percents of the net income.

17) American cinema never really recovered from the rock-hard IQ standard set by 'Titanic'.

18) Director J. 'McG' Nichol kept getting his 'Action!' and 'Run in slow motion!' calls mixed up.

19) Women secretly enjoy chauvinistic junk.

20) Both Robert Downey Jr. and Jar Jar Binks have no acting roles in it.

21) Horny bums just aren't very picky when they have to jump-start their Jerry...

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Biggest and Most Creative Painters of All Times =
Da Vinci: Artist left protégés the best gem, 'Mona Lisa'.
Van Gogh: Became mad; titles 'Self Portrait' - it is tense.
Michelangelo: Artist's 'Pieta' met finest, bravest god.
Matisse: Five Trotting Girls became the top 'La Danse'.
Monet: Aged master's soft 'Lilies' brighten, captivate.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Antidemocratic =
Dictator came in.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Metallica's Albums =
Musical meatballs!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials and opportunity to become financially independent.
=
           A Nice Ode
Shit-I'm-Creepy Vermin-Food,
Please pal, I ain't in the mood.
Ads again?! Leave or find, nut,
My foot in yer ninny butt!

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, January 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The site will answer these questions:
What if my broker does not understand this?
How is this different from any other trading system?
How successful is this program?
What does it cost to subscribe?
What do I get for my money?
What if my broker does not want to learn this method?
Can you explain how you calculate these numbers?
=
Six best queries this odd, shitty site of moronic mom-suckers ignored:
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why are gas-station bathrooms bolted? Do they fear someone'll clean them?
Why don't cows shrink when it rains?
Can't 'phonetic' be spelled that way?
Why term it *life* insurance?
Why do you goat-butts-stuffers nitwits fume me so?!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The National Gallery =
Hail only elegant art.

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's look at some of the top-grossing cinematic features in the USA: =
'Titanic': The film gets cute as Rose lets go of one Romeo at a sunk ship...
'Forrest Gump': So, a nice stooge, a *fool*, is the luckiest man in the state?!
'Home Alone': Nice tot gets (then uses) gifts - mutilates a pair of crooks!
'The Lion King': Animators use computer tool-sets; see 'Cat Fights a Foe'.
'E.T.': Focus on a cute alien's task to go "Phone Home". I stress it - great film!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Several treatments of a pair of acrostic poems, one by Carroll to a friend and one by Poe's ill wife to her husband.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Charles Dickens's 'Oliver Twist' =
The classic writer's kids' novel!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Snow White's Nasty Adventures', The X-Rated Video =
Sexy tart does in-and-out with the seven dwarves!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
vibrators,
stimulators,
bondage fantasy,
lotions & oils,
videos & dvds,
erotic clothing,
pleasure kits,
toys for men & women.
=
bits of dirt,
filthy cat,
naked-moron pics,
stale mayo,
'Survivor' videos,
grannie's undies,
Worst Motto balloons,
Lego sets.

 

LONG SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
T E S T I M O N I A L S *******

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2001:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with: [An 18th century composer]
Giovanni Pergolesi =
I love opera singing!

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Did you know only these three motion pictures won the five most valuable and prestigious Academy Awards? =
'It Happened One Night': Mousy runaway heiress (diva Claudette Colbert) soaks a wonderful movie's witty mood.
'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest': Wild guy tries to start a mutiny in a madhouse. Movie is hard and bawdy, people!
'The Silence of the Lambs': A murderous, devouring Lecter (Hopkins) dupes a woody SWAT team on a way to divinity.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
George Meredith: Love in the Valley

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A polygraph test =
Goal: Trap the spy.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Pirated Songs? =
Napster is God.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Ten-Inch Dick =
Nice and thick!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Michelangelo Merisi Caravaggio =
Sheer magical image via coloring.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Space Station Mir =
Estimate crash point.

 

ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Displaying all of the five nominees for Best Director: =
Ang Lee: Inspired story (of Chinese form) of livid battle.
Stephen Daldry: Terrific movie of goofiness in ballet.
Ridley Scott: Offensive prime in Flesh & Bone "Gladiator".
Steven Soderbergh: Film lady "Erin" - life to soap-fiction.
Steven Soderbergh: Position one film ideally - "Traffic".

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US president so likely yelps:
"O Mother! I'm in need!
Give only twenty dollars - 'kay, just one -
I really must have weed!"

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Vincent Van Gogh's Self Portrait With Severed Ear =
Provocative strength, as ever, in the self-drawing.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic =
Envious cops storm fiend's roomy Belgrade villa.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Work at Home Network with our company was reviewed and published - Wall Street Journal Business Week, Home PC, Forbes
=
Web-horror Norenwood Jake
Sent himself spam by mistake;
Server blew up-
Uh-oh, screwed up!
One client was what it would take!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Spamagram: The Raven

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Late Author Douglas Adams =
Made us laugh too hard at tales!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The British author Douglas Adams died suddenly of a heart attack =
A sad, absurd end of a truly mad lad. A toast to "The Hitch Hiker's Guide"!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM:

By the time you have read the enclosed program, you may have concluded that an amateur could not have created such a legal program that works.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I had a profitable business for 10 years. Then in 1979 my business began falling off. I was doing the same things that were previously successful for me, but it wasn't working. Finally, I figured it out. It wasn't me, it was the economy. Inflation and recession had replaced the stable economy that had been with us since 1945.

I don't have to tell you what happened to the unemployment rates...because many of you know from first hand experience. There were more failures and bankruptcies than ever before.

The middle class was vanishing. Those who knew what they were doing invested wisely and moved up. Those who did not, including those who never had anything to save or invest, were moving down into the ranks of the poor. As the saying goes, "THE RICH GET RICHER AND THE POOR GET POORER." The traditional methods of making money will never allow you to "move up" or "get rich", inflation will see to that.

=

AN ENRAGED RESPONSE TO THIS UNFORGIVABLE WEB OFFER:

Hi, unworthy beggar. By the time you read this my cugine may already be on his way to your apartment to gut you and then dance on the mutilated corpse.

Let me mention my name, fucker. I'm Don Tito "The Gravedigger" Vampari. I'm Italian and have a very loving, real *devoted* family. We settled here in the United States to sell, uh, wool-clips and nose-powder.

Now, only 'cause Tito takes care of business every day doesn't mean Tito can't surf the net a little bit at night, right? Wrong. See, some fucking idiot gets in Tito's way when he surfs with his goomah and makes him unhappy - and datsa you.

Well, I'll be honest- we're no strangers to spam. Our dear friend and peer, Ton "The Velvet Glove" Reelilocco, the lord have mercy on his soul, explored the web-shakedowns occupation for a while. He forgot, however, that Vin "The Milkman" Eatcheerios had his hands on the whole web shit for ages. Now Ton has a pair of cement shoes and greets the fish from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

Wanna be a wise guy? Fuck off or I'll turn your pisello into my Rottweiler's lunch. COPPISH?!

Wrathful,
Don Vampari

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
THE APRIL ANAGRAMMY WINNERS

GENERAL
Richard Grantham:
Bottles of hydrogen peroxide
Good tip there for sexy blonde.

ENTERTAINMENT
Richard Grantham:
Oscar Wilde's "De Profundis" =
Prison life cued sad words.

TOPICAL
David Bourke:
The American spyplane =
Chinese play mean trap.

RUDE
Adrian Hickford:
Empty penis?
Yep, I'm spent.

SPAM
Richard Grantham:
!!!!!!P O R N O M A N I A!!!!!!
Fifty Naked Beauties!

LONG SPAM
Richard Grantham:
Hi! My name is Betty Wilson.

LONG
Larry Brash:
Two households, both alike in dignity

PEOPLE'S NAME
Jaybur:
M. Etienne de Silhouette =
The esteemed in outline.

OTHER NAME
Jaybur:
The Israeli Airline =
El Al: I rise in the air!

SET
Adrian Hickford:
Five classic authors of the horror genre whose take on life is
downright macabre and slightly loopy:

SPECIAL
James H. Young:
WHAT ARE THE HALLMARKS OF A GOOD ANAGRAM?

David Bourke:
Mambo No 5 - Lou Bega

Meyran Kraus:
We want to spend less time on the busy freeways

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE
Mike Keith:
He, Lewis, grabbed the vibrant role,
Assembled dreams and rhymes with glee,
But vowed that one most mighty goal:
Originality.

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE AWARD FOR THE BEST NON-WINNING ANAGRAM
Don P. Fortier:
"Are you the Messiah?" =
"Ah, so true. Yes, I am He."

=

HOW TO WIN AN ANAGRAMMY
By Meyran K.

As I read the April results, I learned some handy hints:

GENERAL
Earthy humor is not necessarily Rude.

ENTERTAINMENT
Perfect grammar makes one's anagram rather memorable, as exhibited here.

TOPICAL
The more relevant it is, the better; preferably about an item inside a month.

RUDE
If it's not about a hard-on, try and force in 'Dildo' somehow.

SPAM
Angry and homicidal = Hilarious.

LONG SPAM
Segmentations are highly useful here.

LONG
Comment on a text thoroughly... Right, I'll do my best.

PEOPLE'S NAME and OTHER NAME
Three words: Keep it simple.

SET
Dead... Heck, just when I got the hang of it.

SPECIAL
James Y's 'gram: Self-reference, irony and group-insight are indeed in fashion.

David B's 'gram: More group-insight here! This is definitely needed.

Mey K's 'gram: IMHO, I don't know why we let that childish prick show his heaps of crap in our group. And, like, get a *real* name, won't you?!

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE
Just a wee poem, don't be afraid!

AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE
Picked by Larry Brash, so brown-nosing that formidably kind-hearted Dr. will probably help, along with a bribe of, uh, Israeli baklavas?...

In short, to achieve an award your 'gram has to be apt, plain, relevant, sectioned and self-aware.

So...?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dora Sigerson: Ireland

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Royal Shakespeare Company =
One may appear there as Shylock.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, June 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS (tm) TANTRA PLEASURE SACRAMENT

Indeed; a HeavenSent Treasure of Pleasure!!

To entice your Passion,
To intrigue your Desire,
Enchantment's Rapture;
Sweet Vjestika Fire....

SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS EXTRAVAGANTLY INSPIRES AND ENHANCES:

*Penile & clitoral sensitivity
*Sensitivity to touch
*Desire to touch
*Desire to be touched
*Fantasy
*Lust
*Rapture
*Erogenous sensitivity
*Uninhibitedness
*Sexual courageousness
*Sexual gentleness and ferocity

SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS(tm)

*Prolongs and intensifies foreplay;
*Prolongs and intensifies orgasm / climax;
*Inspires body, mind, spirit orgasm / climax;
*Inspires and enhances body, mind, spirit communion betwixt lovers;
*Inspires and enhances the enchantment / glamourie of Love....

Sweet Vjestika is a Chimera Tantric proprietary glamourie / enchantment Fantasia Amalgamation for men and women, comprised of high ratio extracts derived from the following Herbs of Power which are master blended to emphasis extravaganza body, mind, spirit erogenous sensory awareness and gourmet carnal delight.

=

SPAMMERS' PISS-IN-A-CAN (RIP): NOW WITH EXTRA FELINE EXCREMENT!

Oh, man! Just sip it for some superior DeathBed Orgasm-Spasms!!

Sir, drop your Finesse!
Miss, don't be so Prissy!
For a real gross Surprise
Just drink Something Pissy!

SPAMMERS' PISS-IN-A-CAN INSPIRES:

*Toe deformity
*Red urine
*Heavy wheezing
*Foot-ache
*Regurgitation
*Testicle swelling
*The bent feeling of outrageous love towards Chevy Chase
*The rotten taste of death
*Excruciating pain
*Your expiring and our rejoicing
*Net-serenity regeneration

PISS-IN-A-CAN IS ALSO:

*Vitamin-free
*Unsweetened
*Vital for a hit-job or a personal vendetta
*Environmentally friendly
*Available in pink!

Piss-in-a-can is the latest from Kraus Spam Termination Co., the same that introduced the Web Wanker's Spider Egg and the E-mail Cretin's Deadly Donut. It contains eighteen rare germs, dangerous sedatives AND awesome laxatives, natural murderers as viper venom, strychnine and poison-oak sap and chemical toxins as arsenic trioxide! Don't be tentative! Just push the cap and have a blast, and recommend it to your friends so you low spam-idiots will cease to exist.

 

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Diet Pepsi Cola =
It's acid, people!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Victor Hugo's 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' =
Savour the unmatched gothic French book.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Take a minute to fill out the simple form below and receive a quote comparing the best values from among hundreds of the nation's top insurance companies!

First Name:

Last Name:

Address:

City:

State:

Zip:

Phone:

Best Time To Call:

Email:

Gender:
-Male
-Female

Date of Birth:

Type of Insurance:

Insurance Amount:

Do You Currently Own An Annuity?
-Yes
-No

Would You Be Interested in Annuity Information?
-Yes
-No

Height:

Weight:

Tobacco Use:
-Never smoked or used nicotine
-Quit less than 1 yr ago
-Quit 1-3 yrs ago
-Quit 3-5 yrs ago
-Quit over 5 yrs ago
-Currently smoke cigarettes
-Other nicotine use-cigars/pipe/chew/patch

Health Status:
-Excellent: trim and athletic, no medications
-Good: no infirmities and no medications
-Fair: slightly overweight or taking medication
-Poor: have/had a serious health condition

Health conditions?
-Yes
-No

Prescription medications?
-Yes
-No

Do you engage in any hazardous activities? (i.e.scuba, skydiving, private pilot, etc.)
-Yes
-No

Did your parents or siblings have heart disease or cancer prior to age 60?
-Yes
-No

=

Quoted from the NRA Application Questionnaire:

Name:

Tattoos:

Farm/Oilfield:

Age:
-Under 15
-Over 63

Education:
-High School
-Other?!?!

Monthly Gun-Budget:
-Over a hundred G's
-Over nine hundred G's
-Unlimited

Are You a Man?
-Yes
-Shit, yes
-No, but I'm becomin' one next week

Are You a Republican?
-Yes
-Sure
-Obviously

Complete this sentence: "Immigrants are..."
-Quite sweet
-A menace to our country
-Target practice

Complete this sentence: "A paranoid is..."
-Insane
-An imaginative man
-Always prepared

Most Prized Possession:
-A boycotted dynamite load
-10 D.U.I. reports
-A dagger collection
-A '53 Dodge

A Movie/TV Icon:
-Rocky I
-Rocky II
-Rocky IV
-The Three Stooges

Which of these phrases is 'Politically Incorrect'?
-Nosy Chinks
-Spotty Niggers
-Pansy-Ass Faggots
-Voodoo Indians
-Lovely Nazis
-Gee, ain't nuttin' here politely incorrected

You can intermit a theft by...
-Alertin' a squad car
-Needlin' each of the bastard's eyes
-Forcin' the demon to eat his own gonads

It's wrong to hunt...
-If the animal is unique
-If I run out of ammunition
-This isn't a realistic situation.

 

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Pietro Mascagni =
Isn't opera magic?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Peace by Henry Vaughan, anagrammed into paraphrases of three existing poems also related to roses.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Butler Yeats =
Sit, write me a lullaby.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Nude Modelling =
Indulge old men.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The World Trade Center Towers in Manhattan, New York City =
Ah, went down in the worst terror attack recently; many die.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Renaissance Painter Michelangelo Buonarroti =
A genuine Roman creator - labor in the Sistine Chapel!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
[A selection of Caravaggio-related anagrams.]

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio =
I color image in grave, magical shade.
O, each allegoric image is raving mad.
Mad vision? Ah, image allegoric grace.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'Judith and Holofernes' =
Oh, a vein's ejaculating, flooding her, as her old maid grimaces.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'David and Goliath' =
'A Clad Child Removing a Giant Rival's Head' is a good image.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Entombment of Christ' =
Ah, face highest, tragic moment - 'Immortal Savior Being Enclosed'.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Conversion of Saint Paul' =
One eager horse clumps along at a magical vision of a divine Christ.

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Crucifixion of Saint Peter' =
Ah, massive piece of a grim execution. Again, terrific colors and light!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
US Strikes Taliban =
Is Kabul resistant?

 

SPAM CATEGORY, October 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Our program simply involves the folding and processing of pamphlets. YOU WILL RECEIVE A FULL $1.00 FOR EACH AND EVERY PAMPHLET THAT YOU PROCESS! What do we mean by process? It's simple...

FIRST: You will neatly fold the provided preprinted single-sided (8 1/2 by 11 inch) pamphlets into thirds [The pamphlet that you will be processing will be provided to you and will be printed on regular 20 lb. (8-1/2 by 11) inch paper.

SECOND: You will neatly insert the folded pamphlets into the pre-addressed, postage paid envelopes [These envelopes will be sent directly to your home, dorm or apartment with customers' names and addresses already printed on the envelopes along with postage already affixed to the envelopes].

THIRD: Lick and seal these envelopes and then send them out, directly to the customers.

=

Hello Mr. Services and may your cave collapse,

I'm self-employed, middle-old people. Though I despise your oppressive country deepfully, your spam letter positively caught my eyeballs. Since I, as well, prepare many envelopes presently, I appeal, Mr. Services, to swap some odd tips. Preferredly, I love to learn how to spot stupid spelling and how to powder the paper more splendidly.

Now this other thing to tell. Despite you're repelling fart, the love to terror is evident. I then hand in the capacity of butler down in my bunker. The services are to fold tights, test bombshells and pamper infants. The wages can be standard then degraded. Dental plan, sand beds, hot wind, fond sheep, smallpox for the children!

I should wait when you accept.

Death to most things,
'The Devil' Bin Laden

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Virginia Woolf's suicide note to her husband Leonard

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Search for Osama Bin Laden Proves Difficult =
A darn problem - US forces fail to find his cave!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, November 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Question: Where do I get this New credit File from?
Answer: That's a secret and you will find out once you purchase my kit. But what I can tell you is that my secret method is 100% legal, 100% ethical, and best of all 100% GUARANTEED!

Question: How many people have have used your method and have had success?
Answer: I have sent out over 3600 orders so far and have not had anyone return this information because they were unable to open a new credit file using my secret method.

Question: Are there any other fees involved after I purchase your kit?
Answer: Your out of pocket expense will be around $20.00 more to get your new credit file which is a processing charge and that is it. And this is a one time fee.

Question: How long does it take for me to receive my information?
Answer: You will receive your information by U.S. Mail within 7 business days after you receive your order. We strive to mail out all orders within 3 days, but sometimes, we get backlogged with orders. We guarantee that you'll receive your order within 7 business days though!

=

Question: Why the fuck do these idiots try to convince me to buy their turds when I obviously won't?
Answer: Curiously enough, they wouldn't care if you will never send them money. They have enough resources to take care of their future; Too bad - now they are purely concerned with the mutilation of the web.

Question: Should I ignore them?
Answer: Why, you shouldn't! In fact, anagrams of these pathetic letters are barrels of fun!

Question: Is it true the male spammers have microscopic genitals?
Answer: It is, my dear, you're very clever! Their sorry woodies are of wee measurements - some are even without any signs of sexual organs! To review a recent study, a web-idiot's dick length will be roughly 0.0001207% of the average piece.

Question: I've decided to slay one. Could you guide me, please?
Answer: Sure! First, try and find their hideout, usually a basement or a video arcade. Once captivated, behead them with a sword. For anyone residing abroad I think a hitman is in order. I know of at least two in Australia, so please ring me at 1-700-6003-0301.

 

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Seven Eleven Incorporated =
Open it and never ever close!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Everlast: What It's Like

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Blue Period of Picasso =
Oh, pictures of pale bodies.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mother of a 15 year old boy was cleaning and putting laundry away when she came across a large brown paper bag that was suspiciously buried beneath some clothes and a skateboard in the back of her 15-year-old son's closet. Nothing could have prepared her for the shock she got when she opened the bag and found it was full of cash; five dollar bills, twenties, fifties and hundreds - all neatly rubber-banded in labeled piles.

"My first thought was that he had robbed a bank," says the 41-year-old woman, "There was over $71,000 dollars in that bag\'85.. that's more than my husband earns in a year." The woman immediately called her husband at the car dealership where he worked to tell him what she'd discovered. He came home right away and they drove together to the boy's school and picked him up. Little did they suspect that where the money came from was more shocking than actually finding it in the closet.

As it turns out, the boy had been sending out via E-mail on the Internet a type of 'chain-letter' to E-mail addresses that he got off of the Internet. Everyday after school for the past 2 months, he had been doing this right on his computer in his bedroom.

=

Two days later the parents recovered another bag labelled "Hot Chicks Get Hosed By Old Guys", with cheap photos and bootleg tapes. "Ah, Bobby's an adult!" his mother grinned, while his father reacted, "That's true, he's mature now. We all have fantasies, like, oh, deep anal fun with Thatcher."

The caring parents still defended him when he hacked into the phone company's mainframe and then into four city banks. "Well, calling him 'charlatan' or 'corruptive' is a bit harsh," the boy's mother remarked, "Nobody's perfect. He's no Unabomber... yet." "Oh, he's obviously grown up," his dad deduced, "Learning a vocation is a significant thing. He promised us he'd get off his butt and 'make money' and he sure did, down in his basement. Those notes were perfect, utterly identical to five and twenty dollar bills! What a craftsman."

After the boy ran an illegal pyramid scheme, a sour mob stormed the house. "Oh, what a lovely boy!" the mother was heard yelling in the riot as the angry mob smashed the front door, "Hundreds of fans line up to see him! What a great lad!!!" "Hey, at least he has a good taste," added the boy's dad as they were about to be lynched, "After all, those chicks *were* hot!"

 

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
John Keats: Ode on Melancholy

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A carton of cigarettes =
I got a taste for cancer.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Prince Harry Admits He Smoked Pot Regularly =
Royal drug-party is held? Man, the empire rocks!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You look rather nice in that dress =
(Or: "Thank you, Lord! I can see her tits!")

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Douglas Malloch: Be The Best of Whatever You Are

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The children's story of The Sleeping Beauty =
By a touch of these lips, I gently end her rest.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Osama bin Laden =
Some DNA in a lab.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tight Blouse =
Oh, tits bulge!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You could tell Lori was proud of her body and she took care of it. From her wavy blond hair that feathered lightly in the breeze to her long and beautiful legs that drew appreciative glances. She was happy with the way she looked. She was proud of her flat stomach and firm breasts. Her nipples were large and she loved how they drew a man's attention when they poked through her blouse. Or in this case, her bikini top.

Lying in the hot sun, she worked a little more sunscreen into her nicely tanned shoulder and turned up her radio.

Lori was alone that day. Actually, she wasn't planning to be. Two days prior, she had broken up with her boyfriend over a petty thing. She knew that they'd probably work it out but she understood that they needed this time apart now. So she came to the beach anyway, not expecting anything.

She laid back on her towel, wishing that she and her boyfriend were there together, his arms around her, putting lotion on her skin. Her hands gently caressed her tummy and she suddenly realized that she was hornier than she thought.

Click here to read the rest of this naughty erotic story...

=

The noble prince halted. There, frozen on a marble plate, was the princess, achingly pretty. He puckered up, knelt down and...

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouted the enraged woman.

"The legend, your Highness... woken by a light kiss on the lips -"

"Not THOSE lips, pervert!" the beauty answered. "Oh, dear god. They're all the same."

"Ah, I -"

"You think I don't read the fable-studies? How Little Red Riding Hood secretly longed for a rough badass to lurk in the shadows? But nobody was interested to learn why the wolf had to dress in *drag*. Not to mention the wanker with the shoe-fitting fetish. A closet-case, no doubt."

"Eh... er...," voiced the prince, the bulge in his pants replaced by a lump in his throat.

"Think the real Rapunzel threw her braids down for someone to climb UP? She shaved her head and used her hair to climb DOWN the tower. Why do you think she grew it - What's your name, baby?"

"Ah, Thor."

"Yeah, right. What's your REAL name?"

"Harry," the prince stated shyly.

"Aha. Have to french a stiff's twat to get a sexual rush, Harry?"

"Ah, no... so sorry," the prince uttered and ran away.

"Thanks for nothing," said the princess wearily. "Rotten necrophile."

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Colors

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Princess Margaret Rose, Countess of Snowdon =
Crown rests in peace, to sad songs of mourners.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Tate Gallery, London =
Only old, elegant art.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
'The Old Man and the Sea' by Ernest Hemingway =
He's made his enemy angry and won the battle.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, March 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Amish are known worldwide for their simple lifestyle and their quality workmanship. Amish Loom Works combines these two qualities together in the "Original Amish Loom™".

The Amish Loom™ is a unique, handmade, easy to use product made of Northern Michigan native hardwoods--Mountain Ash with Hickory twig handles and Hickory pegs. It is designed to create high quality sweaters, scarves, throws, rugs and other hand-made products.

The Amish Loom™ is a hand craft folk art that enables knitters, beginners, hobbyists, professional weavers and textile designers to do many type of traditional off-loom weaving and knitting with greater accuracy and simplicity than ever before. The Amish Loom™ makes it possible for even the most experienced weaver/knitter, or someone with no handicraft experience and no particular manual dexterity, to make beautiful, stylish clothes and decorative accessories. It is fast and easy to design your own pieces, and patterns. It is easy to size garments, and it is easy to learn a basic collection of various stitches quickly.

=

Lord's blessing, my child. I'm Sister Mary Mcbaine and I'm quite ready to sit on your hard cock.

Indeed, after a lifetime of harmless piety, we understand now that the only way to appeal to millions is through raw, sacral sex. Oh no, it's not sick sarcasm or a cynical gimmick; We're really tight on cash.

The New Catholic Church invites you to the pretty Baroque monasteries for a feast of holiness, redemption and erotic massages. Come violate the professed sisters and go straight to heaven! Hump timid, hesitant virgins with silk-like skin or passionate novices who took a vow of tenacity! Find out why it's called the 'missionary' position! Ask for the anointment-and-bondage mix to maximize and quicken the orgasm! We even got a night of paradise for women with the Latin-Tongue Class and some dirty, wild-spirited fun with the Big Hermit.

You can also buy the special illustrated edition of the Perversions Creed, or rent quality X-rated tapes like 'Altar Slave Three', 'Bitches on Quakers' and 'A Firm Ass in Mass'!

Remember, God has created the woman naked and moist... as are we, under the habits.

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pink: Get The Party Started

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oxford English Dictionary =
I find thy lexicon's rather good.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Beatles: Across the Universe

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Faintheartedness =
Sensed fear in that.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Osama bin Laden's New Video =
Bad man lived on, as I now see.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, April 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
*Pains in the butt but mostly harmless little misfortunes that happen to the best of us:*

- You get notice that water supply will be shut off in 1/2 an hour, for 18 hours when you took laxatives the night before, and you're in your cabin in the middle of nowhere in the woods, and it's mating season for grizzly bears.
- A very enthusiatic you takes a Viagra for the first time and then remembers right after, that your in-laws are arriving that very day.

*Pains in the butt and mostly harmful GIGANTIC misfortunes that happen to the best of us:*

- You wake up in the morning and find that your spouse has left you. MeWantsToCheat.com popped up when he/she started to type in MeWantsToEat.com!
- You are fired after your boss finds all sorts of pornographic material in your hard drive, even though you clean out your cache everyday!

=

*Hints that you are a low, sadistic man:*

- Your relationship philosophy is "Three's A Crowd, But Four's A Gang Bang!"
- You inform the staff that they will get their monthly pays - providing that they sniff your foot provocatively, one at a time.
- The sticker on your front bumper says "Hasta La Vista, Kitty".

*Hints that you are the meanest mother-fucker on Earth:*

- Your unprepared friend interrupts your masturbatory fun as you stuff something fuzzy up your butt... which turns out to be his toupee.
- If there's a popular 'Get It Over With' bridge, you'll be there to hand out anvils.
- You 'subtly' confess to the new fiancée that a) Weddings aren't important and exterminate freedom, b) She's not thin enough and her face's vile, and c) Real women swallow.
- Sending incomprehensible spam to a hotheaded anagrammist is your idea of heaven.

 

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mean doings ~
in God's name.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Actress Pamela Anderson =
Neat rear, and chest's so ample!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US Avoided Strong 'September Eleven' Clues =
So it seems slaughter could've been prevented.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, May 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with: [A troll post]
Shit i'm getting way to old and fat and slow in my older years
i tried to sneak a quickie in before my old man came home and the friend i was with gave up and left because it takes me so long to get undressed and to get into a position that he can get his dink into me. Ya know having ah gut makes it hard to get laid cause you have to lay on your side with ah leg up over your head or bend your fat guy over a chair and have the guy use both hands to lift your ass up so he can find ah wet hole to stick it in
I've been ass fucked more times then pussy fucked because it was the first hole they could find thanks to not being able to wipe my ass clean after taking a shit helps.

=

As a way to demystify the above, view this guide of Freud to the Anal Stage:
"So, as the kids get acquainted with the sphincter, they stop sucking thumbs and move on to fumbling poo. The kids begin to notice the innate fun and agony associated with a bowel movement. They will then run amok and poo around the house day after day like dogs, unless taught differently.
However, if the parents are too easy and fail to teach society's rules about poo control, the kid, I assume, will derive a naughty delight from any ass-drainage in the future, which may induce a sick, sadistic behavior and a hideous geekiness, that can someday generate a kinky, bum-poking troll."

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(This e-mail was distributed on the internet after the September Eleven events)

My family owns an ambulance service in Brooklyn NY. Midwood Ambulance if anyone knows it. Anyway, my uncles were at "Ground Zero" during the attack to help the victims. They donated their time to help with this crisis as many New Yorkers did. A great deal of people were in shock from the devastation. As many of you know, shock victims are supposed to drink a lot of water. My uncle went to the Starbucks down the street to get bottles of water for the victims he was treating. Can you believe they actually charged him for it!! He paid the $130 for 3 cases of bottled water out of his own pocket. Now, I would think that in a crisis such as this, vendors in the area would be more than happy to lend a little help by donating water. Well, not Starbucks! As if this country hasn't given them enough money! Anyway, the point of this story wasn't to glorify my uncle's actions but to suggest a boycott on Starbucks. Now, I love Frappaccinos as much as anyone, but any company that would try to make a profit off of a crisis like this doesn't deserve the American public's hard earned money. Please forward this e-mail to any one you know and encourage them to do the same.

Thank you!

=

(This signed letter was sent to 'The Papacy')

Kind and Loving Pope,
I'm a Roman Catholic Altar Boy from a Southern Catholic town. Well, for starters, I'm a great fan, and you have my everlasting love, but love doesn't cut it for me ever since last April. No offence, but the new priest you sent here is total crap.
My friend Wayne got two bucks from him. I saw it! He put Wayne's hands in his own front pockets and trembled or whatever...
*Two bucks*! I never got so much as a *cent*!
Two days later Wayne told me the priest bought him a toy Action Truck for another little round. God Almighty, I want nice toys too! I saw a kickass bunny yesterday but mom says it costs a lot so we can't buy it.
Then I asked the priest if I can get a new toy too, and he said my hands were unclean! Okay, so I'm often sick with the flu; My nose's sort of runny and *once in a while* I wipe it with the back of my hand. So what? Is sneezing a reason to blow me off? That's plain cruel.
Now I know he likes touching my butt after hymns, and the other day he offered me to 'kneel and devour his potency' (whatever that meant), but I prefer the pocket-game and a toy. So could you please teach our priest to behave? Thanks in advance.

Yours truly,
Tommy Mendes

P.S. Holy wine is cool, but 'Body of Christ' tastes like diarrhea.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Chairman Gates =
Mega-rich Satan.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's 'Madonna Mia', anagrammed into a paraphrase which is also an acrostic on the author's name. Also, reading down the second-last words of each line reveals a fitting quote (also by Wilde).

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' =
Face in scary portrait grew old, hideous.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WorldCom, The Latest in Giant-Scale Fraud =
False accounting did harm to Wall Street.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Long-term impotence =
Men go limp, not erect.

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Weird Workplaces

Perth, Australia, brothel owner Mary-Anne Kenworthy closed down for a day on April 30 because the influx of 5,500 U.S. Navy personnel on shore leave had left her workforce worn out. "We're the biggest and the best," she said, "(and) I'd rather take nothing than offer a poor service." She added, "I just wish they could dribble-feed the Yanks in, fly a thousand (in) at a time." (The Bremerton (Wash.) Sun carried a wire-service version of this story but later apologized for it to its readers since many Navy families in the Bremerton-Seattle area apparently did not appreciate learning this news.) [The Mercury (Hobart, Australia), 5-3-02; The Age (Melbourne), 5-2-02]

=

Even Weirder Workplaces

A source reported yesterday that all of the presidential personnel had asked for an early retirement, describing their job as 'inhumane'.
Not long ago, the staff secretary was rumored to 'weep like a baby' when the president asked if 'Arab' can be a verb, too. Recently, Bush had to spend hours with a trainer to properly say "Every little bit of effort counts", after a sad incident of mispronouncing 'war', 'terror' and 'USA' in his State of the Union address. His whim to raise morale by hiding fake vomit all over the White House drew no laughs.
"Um, anyone still have anthrax?", a crazed intern was cited; "Hell, anywhere but here."

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Detective Sherlock Holmes =
Heck, solve the oldest crime!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
9 Rooms - A Paradoxical Poem

 

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Could we keep the relationship open? =
(OK, I can sleep nude with other people!)

 

SPAM CATEGORY, July 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Fellow Investors, What has defined winning investments you've had in the past? Many will agree it was good or perfect timing. There are people who bought IBM back in January at $120 and they are losing money right now as IBM currently trades in the low $70's!! There are also people who bought small and microcaps in the same time period and are making money!! Why? Because they had good timing, that's why. Today's featured company, Indiginet just recently started trading on NASDAQ's Bulletin Board under the symbol, "IGTT". You may feel after doing your due diligence that it represents good timing for you, right here, right now!! ( Source for Price Info:Yahoo Finance Historical). This reference to past performance is specially selected to be referenced based on its favorable/unfavorable performance.

=

Greetings, unemployed nerds! My name is Martha Stewart and I'm proud to bring before you my big, financial pudding of a project - "Martha's Very Own Stock Tips!" Indeed, for the small price of fifty-eight dollars you too can enjoy the thorough, unparalleled internet-guide to deceitful accounting and bonsai trees, by the authentic Housewife Hitler!

Read why it's the perfect time to buy WorldCom and Enron shares! Discover how to efficiently bet your life's savings on K-Mart capital! Order bonds in the latest colors, as Cranberry Wine, Green Fig and Honeydew!

More downright unbeatable investments mentioned in the page:
* L.A. Airport Stores
* N.Y.C. Real Estate
* Hawaiian Highways
* Iraqi Flags
* Pauly Shore Movies

Sign as a member now to get my free Golden Peach Pie recipe!

Bye and good health,
Martha

 

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ariel Sharon, Yasser Arafat and George Bush =
Sheer Fat-Arse, Aging Arab and Sorry U.S. A-Hole.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
An Enigma, by Edgar Allan Poe

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2002:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Gaston Leroux's novel "The Phantom of the Opera" =
Text of one rampant ghoul - he loves the soprano!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Miss World Beauty Contest =
See, it crowns that busty model.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with: [Some real samples of Bush's confusing speeches, anagrammed into his final one...]
"Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I- it's- I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values." (Visiting the Jefferson Memorial, Washington, D.C., July 2, 2001)

"My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the- in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen." (Crawford, Texas, Aug, 13, 2001)

"And so, in my State of the- my State of the Union- or state- my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation- I asked Americans to give 4,000 years- 4,000 *hours* over the next- the rest of your life- of service to America. That's what I asked, 4,000 hours." (Bridgeport, Conn., April 9, 2002)

=

"Ladies or- the others, the gentlemen parts, of the jury. I come before you not as the indicted president of the united stars and stripes, but as an articulating, intertactual man. I'm sure of my flagitious innocence - so positive, I've waived my attorneys goodbye. I've no need for lawmen and their like, people of the jewish- the jury.

First of all, an unruly fact - the war was my idea. No, scratch that- that bit *wasn't* my idea. I'll prove the opponents right on this point. But the events were innocuous. Overall, the millions that perished, these brave servants of the constellation, were *not* efficacious. They mattered. The Afghans were in our hair, and something sternal had to be done.

Last of all, the business-corruption or whatnot. What extravagation! Watch my mouth, folks - I've never handled, examined or *grasped* that issue!

...Your choice is laughingly clear."

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, August 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ferdinand Magellan =
Find & name large land.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare: Sonnet XIV

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Bond Girls =
Blondes, right?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Saddam Hussein =
Pinhead resists US demand.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, September 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Any build-up of old pockets of waste matter (diverticulitis) produces fermentation, putrefaction and stagnant packets of poisons and harmful bacteria (a condition of autointoxication or self-poisoning). These toxins constantly seep into the bloodstream and lymph. They eventually settle into the weakest areas of the body, then various symptoms develop and are given names according to those areas and the degree of cell degeneration.

Unfortunately the symptoms found elsewhere in the body resulting from the toxic overload in the bowel, are generally treated rather than the cause in the bowel. Even if one succeeds in strengthening the weak area or suppressing the symptom, the toxic flow from the bowel will simply find another weak area to break through.

As Dr. Jensen puts it, "Every tissue is fed by the blood, which is supplied by the bowel. When the bowel is dirty, the blood is dirty and so on to the organs and tissues." Parasite heaven.....a dirty, unhealthy intestinal tract.

=

Hello, kind sender!

I've found the e-mail you dropped down my inbox. Many thanks! Its text grabbed my attention so, that I read it at the dinner-table to the wife and son. Unfortunately, it damaged their appetite a bit; In fact, the wife has lost control of her sanity, and the son's long gone.
Now, at the risk of sounding petty, or even tactless, here are a few general, unresolved issues concerning your letter:

1. Is the poop terminology supposed to coax us into buying something? I'm afraid I rarely catch up with the current 'web' fashions, so you'll have to help me out here. Aren't leads as "You may have won the lottery" more inviting than a review of fecal problems?

2. Is this the same Dr. Jensen that posted me about his "Powerful Diet Pills" only ten days ago? Or the "Advanced Penis Stretcher", two weeks back?

3. Do tell, are you by any chance related to DeepDrillsPrincess, that sent me that brief fable of an obsession with the scent of colons? I'd love to see how it turns out.

Fascinated, but a tad perplexed,
H. Kissinger

 

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Department of Motor Vehicles =
Led to the improvement of cars.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Washington Sniper =
Strength in his weapon.

 

SPAM CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
INCREASE THAT CERTAIN PART OF THE MALE BODY BY 27% WITH A SIMPLE PILL. - GUARANTEED - FDA APPROVED - The same type of research that created miracle drugs like Viagra, has now created a revolutionary herbal pill that can increase that certain part of the male body by 27% in a few short weeks by simple taking two capsules of Extenze a day, no prescription required.
Over a million and half capsules are being taken every month by men all over the world. This number increases every day as more and more men discover this revolutionary product. Simply try these Amazing pills for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With this guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale! This amazing new product works by simply taking 2 pills every day.
OUR UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE:
Simply try it for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With our guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale!

=

Top sixteen ways that might make your teensy-weensy prick look larger:

16. Sneak a full, wide-rimmed water bottle into a men's-room stall. Close the door. Wait for a 'crowd' to pass by and empty it loudly down the toilet. Unzip and step out, proudly.

15. Embed bits of magnifying glass in strategic places on your shower-door. Yell to your friend you need a towel.

14. Find a small plunger and apply to your loins. Pump them for several minutes a day.

13. Spread rumors by whining to your buddy about itchy, binding underwear.

12. Say a prayer for a huge weiner. If praying won't do, demand reparation from the reverend.

11. The ol' 'Cucumber in the Hidden Pocket' never fails.

10. ...And for a limper version, try a pickle.

9. Take a vacuum cleaner. Squirm that tiny prick into the hose. Plug in cleaner.

8. Shave off your pubes. Duh.

7. Go find a decent mohel. Ask for the Extra Value Circumcision.

6. Show an interest in floppy, virile implants.

5. Pay a visit to a gypsy. Buy magic XL contraceptives.

4. Start a diet, but only in your pelvic area. If the background seems undersized, then by comparison...

3. Decrease the size of your testicles.

2. Slay every male anagrammer on the face of the earth.

1. Only date women with really small palms.

 

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(An excerpt from a speech made by Bush on October the 7th:)

By its past and present actions, by its technological capabilities, by the merciless nature of its regime, Iraq is unique. As a former chief weapons inspector of the U.N. has said, "The fundamental problem with Iraq remains the nature of the regime, itself. Saddam Hussein is a homicidal dictator who is addicted to weapons of mass destruction." Some ask how urgent this danger is to America and the world. The danger is already significant, and it only grows worse with time. If we know Saddam Hussein has dangerous weapons today -- and we do -- does it make any sense for the world to wait to confront him as he grows even stronger and develops even more dangerous weapons? In 1995, after several years of deceit by the Iraqi regime, the head of Iraq's military industries defected. It was then that the regime was forced to admit that it had produced more than 30,000 liters of anthrax and other deadly biological agents. The inspectors, however, concluded that Iraq had likely produced two to four times that amount. This is a massive stockpile of biological weapons that has never been accounted for, and capable of killing millions.

=

(A few 'To Do' lists from the president's diary:)

Sat, Nov. 30

**Interview to Fox News**
Ramble on the sheer threat of Saddam's tyranny. Answer a hard query about the war with an unrelated anecdote. Misquote random writers.

Sun, Dec. 1

* Reveal to the nation 'The New, Bitchin' War on Terror'.

* Nickname Dick Cheney 'homey'.

Mon, Dec. 2

* Model a swift air raid on Iraq. Give Rumsfeld a wedgie.

* Trade lunches with Cheney. If caught, promise mom it was his idea.

Thu, Dec. 5

* Ask the wife to wear pigtail braids. If Laura agrees, convince Colin to do the same.

* Fight Senate to terminate sales tax on rodeo boots.

Fri, Dec. 6

**Daughters' birthday!** Get up late at night and assist them in finding the way to the bathroom. Flush once the heaving's done.

Mon, Dec. 9

**A visit of the enormous Israeli dude!** Make the place Wideass-Friendly.

* Pull wife's pigtails.

Wed, Dec. 11

* Pull Colin's pigtails.

Fri, Dec. 13

**Yee-ha! Iraqi Action Time!!!**
Gather strategists and assess possible tactics. Ask dad what's the Iraqi word for 'camel poop'.

Sat, Dec. 14

* Pull army out of Iraq. Make a speech to the nation on these foes' asinine cases of aggression and hostility, and the horrible perils of mass-destruction weapons.

* Drop an atomic bomb on Baghdad.

Mon, Dec. 16

* Shop for rodeo boots.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by children's author Shel Silverstein, anagrammed into a line-by-line ambigram.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Last-Minute =
Nuts! I'm late.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Chamber Orchestras =
Restore Bach's charm.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Blonde-haired =
Laid on her bed!

 

SPAM CATEGORY, November 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Don't get left behind. Don't let your computer go to waste. With *FREE* computer learning from Video Professor, you can get the skills you need to succeed. Whether you need office skills to get a new job or promotion, or simply want to help the kids with their homework or organize the family budget, Video Professor has the lesson just for you.

It's FAST! You'll be up-and-running in an hour or less! Don't waste time sifting through those big, thick manuals. Commuting to classes or seminars is a waste of your time and money. Just pop in the CD-ROM and you're learning! It's EASY!

=

Do you feel ridiculously idiotic? Do friends often name you 'That Moron'? Then you MUST visit the Forrest Gump School for Slack-Jawed Yokels!!!

Only HERE can the young twits and idiots:
* Get straw-chewing tips!
* Sign for the groundbreaking 'Hi, My Name Is Forrest Gump, People Call Me Forrest Gump' seminar!
* Be a part of The Forrest Gump Theatre hit-show, "When Life Gives You Lemons"!
* Wear stupid little beanies and snooze all day!

No books! No homeworks! No studying! No teeth! Join the ultimate Forrest Gump courses *TODAY* - The tuition here is just two roosters and one corn cob!!!

 

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Auctions in 'eBay' =
I can buy on a site!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A verse of a poem by Oscar Wilde, anagrammed into a paraphrase which is also an acrostic square on the author's name.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A menstrual flow =
Raw smell of tuna.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Henry Sambrooke Leigh: The Twins

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Literature for blind persons =
Friends turn prose to Braille.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Military Headquarters =
'I am ready - let's hurt Iraq!'

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Guitarist Pete Townshend =
What git studies teen porn?!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for. (Albert Camus) =
Er, oil?... Is 'Great barrels of crude oil' a term unknown to that Frenchy? (G.W. Bush)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti: Listening

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
'The Station' club, Rhode Island =
Locals burned to death in this.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A cheap motel =
Place to...*ahem*.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
George Walker Bush, President of America =
Help urge a big war, for I seek a second term.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Salvation Army =
Heal my starvation.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One Splendid Demonstration of ESP

1. Pick a number from 1 to 10.
2. Multiply it by 9. Add the digits of the result together. Subtract 5.
3. Assign a letter to the answer you have (A=one, B=two, etc).
4. Think of a country that begins with this letter.
5. Think of an animal that begins with the second letter of the country.
6. What's a colour associated with the animal?
7. That's odd... see, there are no grey elephants in Denmark!

=

A Lesson In Fear

1. Repeat stages 1-3 in the trick above.
2. Think of the name of a cute bird that starts with that letter.
3. Imagine the snappy sound it makes. Go on.
4. Obtain the first letter of that sound. Think about a country which ends with the letter.
5. Try to dwell on the global menace its cold, sadistic leader presents.
6. Then, drift your hate towards the camel-humping demons...
7. Honey, you're now a bigot.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's 117th sonnet anagrammed into three less-than-serious poetic renditions of famous texts by the bard.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Congressional Medal of Honor =
Hang on chest of one moral soldier.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Jules Verne, 'Around the World in Eighty Days' =
Journey through new lands is very detailed!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mysterious rectal foreign bodies =
I used to force gerbils into my arse.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The president of Iraq, Saddam Hussein =
Press had to enquire if this man's dead.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Michelangelo Buonarroti's 'The Separation of Light from the Darkness' =
The halo of our Lord is breathtaking on Rome's Sistine Chapel fragment.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A small bit from Lewis Carroll's 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland', Chapter VIII


GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Countries of the Third World =
Tourist threw children food.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes =
So, can he solve the murder, folks?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The cartoon dad Homer Simpson =
That moron mopes and cries "D'oh!"

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum." (A quote by Quentin Crisp) =
"Simple U.S. involvement can sometime help me end a goon's tyranny... But it's not quite simple, nor complete." (Civilian in Iraq)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Edwin Arlington Robinson: Richard Cory

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sexually Transmitted Disease =
Elementary, as I dated six sluts!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. (Clarence Seward Darrow) =
Once considered it wry babble, but God, I swear - now that I'm in power, I can only admit it's a well-observed adage! (Cheney)

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
SIZE AND STAMINA DO MATTER More Than You Can Possibly Imagine!!

She is just trying to spare your feelings by telling you otherwise. DON'T WAIT UNTIL SHE IS GONE TO FIND OUT THAT YOU COULDN'T SATISFY HER!!! INTRODUCING, THE FIRST ALL-IN-ONE Male Performance Enhancer AND Penis Enlargement WITH THE TRADEMARKED SWEDISH INGREDIENT CERNITIN. Standard Results Include:

PENIS ENLARGEMENT GIRTH. 0.25" up to 2" LENGTH. 1" up to 3.25" MALE PERFORMANCE ENHANCER STAMINA. Up to 74% harder erections, this will help contribute to longer sexual experiences. CLIMAX. From 7 to 26 physical penile contractions during orgasm. The average male experiences between 4 and 7. LIBIDO. Enhanced feelings and stimulated sexual arousal combine to increase desire. RECOVERY. Faster recovery time means more sex more often.

THE FIRST AND ONLY PRODUCT OF IT'S KIND.SPECIAL $33 PRICING AVAILABLE FOR A LIMITED TIME! MILLIONS OF BOTTLES SOLD WORLDWIDE. 100% SAFE - NO SIDE EFFECTS 100% ALL NATURAL - RECOMMENDED BY DOCTORS!

=

My Penis Log!

Day 1

The pills are here!!! The Fed Ex man ogled at me like I'm some sort of creep, but I couldn't care less. I popped 2 pills after lunch, gulped 6 liters of cider and ran 70 times in one circle, just as the instructions told me. XXL briefs, here I come!

Day 3

Still 5 inches. Running in circles left me sick. It's a bit eerie, I don't recall I had four nipples.

Day 7

I'm now primarily limping and falling over.
Reread the ingredients; it contains 'Lots of cat hair'. Did I overdose?

Day 10

I'm three-legged!... Well, mainly since I now have a leg instead of an arm. At least I don't fall over so often. No growth, but when I urinate, it comes out in some strange fluorescent colour.

Dya 23

snoozed for ten hours; can't get an erection. I'm not bitter, but I can't be alert for more than

yda 2.245/4

sleepy -- penis needs ambulance

Day 30

I grew an extra inch!!! ER surgeons borrowed tissues from the new ArmLeg to rescue the teeny, mutated penis, and after the transplant, I got a minor annex! 100% success, indeed!!!

Thanx, anonymous spammer!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two celestial poems

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Disney's classic feature, 'Bambi' =
Baby deer in a film? It's a success!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The foreign policy of the United States =
See that fight erupt if tycoon needs oil.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
They are platonic friends =
(Pity I can't fondle her arse...)

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2003:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton =
Control horny man - halt his adulteries!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Louvre Museum in Paris =
House unveils premium art!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Washington Irving's tale, "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" =
The Felon gallops with no noggin, yet will sever heads!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: Night

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Every cloud has a silver lining"? =
No, such drivel is largely naive.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very
Unnecessary
They can only do harm. (Depeche Mode)
=
We heard heavenly rhymes as they conveyed a dream world - one so real and unmarred, it's perceived merely in silence.

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The odd origin of the word 'Orange' (quoted from "Etymologically Speaking")

Orange (Eng.); Orange (Fr.); Naranja (Sp.); Arancia (It.)
Interestingly, none of these terms come from the Latin word for orange, citrus aurentium; instead, they all come from the ancient Sanskrit naga ranga, which literally means "fatal indigestion for elephants." In certain traditions the orange, not the apple, is the fruit responsible for original sin. There was an ancient Malay fable - which made its way into the Sanskrit tongue around the Seventh or Eighth Centuries B.C. - that links the orange to the sin of gluttony and has an elephant as the culprit. Apparently, one day an elephant was passing through the forest, when he found a tree unknown to him in a clearing, bowed downward by its weight of beautiful, tempting oranges; as a result, the elephant ate so many that he burst. Many years later a man stumbled upon the scene and noticed the fossilized remains of the elephant with many orange trees growing from what had been its stomach. The man then exclaimed, "Amazing! What a naga ranga (fatal indigestion for elephants)!"

=
Other amazing examples:

'I'm pregnant' - It appears that the source of the word 'pregnant' is linked to the Albanian saying (mainly used by young adults), "Amah, preh ann ante", that states: "Honey, I think we're screwed".

'Britney Fans' - Amazingly, the phrase doesn't refer to the singer, as such; in fact, it's one of a few entertaining Latin anagrams from the nineteenth century, of 'Bres Infanty', more or less translated to: 'The Infants who are drawn to an Ample Mammary Gland'.

'Sequel' - An alteration of 'Sechu Wal', an Argentinian gang-slang phrase which means "Another kick to the groin" (often that of a mugging victim lying injured in the street). It was popularised by H. Wood, the aging leader of the Calephornea gang, constantly asserting that "it could gain one more profit - well, nine times out of ten".

'God' - One of the hardest origins to find; Some tenable theories: The archaic Finnish 'Gutenn', which meant either 'A nobler one' or 'Mail fraud'; Pompeii's "Gatne chenuale!" ("Thanks a bunch for that crater!"); And the Hebrew "Tiru et ha-Godel!", or: "Wow, what a fat ass!", allegedly what Moses yelled at the Lord's apparition on Mount Sinai.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Eminem: Cleaning Out My Closet

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Could we invade other countries ~
without clear or sound evidence?

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Easy women =
We moan 'yes!'

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, August 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The dictator Saddam Hussein =
Mustached sadist ran to hide.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
76th Academy Awards Rules
For Distinguished Achievements During 2003

RULE ONE
AWARDS DEFINITIONS

1. Academy Awards of merit shall be given annually to honor outstanding achievements in theatrically-released feature-length motion pictures, and to honor other achievements as provided for in the rules and approved by the Board of Governors.

=

The heads of the Foundation for Taste in Cinema have devised an apology for any direct or indirect involvement in these sheer stupid movies:

Superman IV
Gigli
Dude, Where's My Car?
Armageddon
Urban Legends: Final Cut
All inane rubbish that features Adam Sandler
The odd Last Action Hero that ran an hour too long
Spice World

We're so very sorry.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
3 Angles to Frost's 'The Road Not Taken'

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Bet I can eliminate errors in my words!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ballet position =
It shall be on tiptoe.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Olympic medallists =
Simply athletic models!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Middle East violence =
Evidence led to Islam.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A skirt chaser =
I track her ass.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
American President J.F.K. =
A frantic jerk sniped me

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Stonehenge, in the downland of Salisbury Plain =
Long boulders in an open field? Why, that's insane!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
'Anagram Genius - The Book' (William Tunstall-Pedoe & Donald L. Holmes) =
One will look them up to read all about small gags hidden in names!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When I consider every thing that grows

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mental Disturbance =
Unclear mind, at best.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Cartoons featuring Tom and Jerry =
Rodent runs from a cat in great joy!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Norton AntiVirus (a Symantec product) =
Instant auto-scan on my corrupt drive.

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Office of the Press Secretary, October 24, 2003]

The President's Ramadan Message

I send greetings to Muslims in the United States and around the world observing the holy month of Ramadan.

Ramadan is the holiest season in the Islamic faith, commemorating the revelation of the Qur'an to Muhammed. This month of introspection provides Muslims a time to focus on their faith and practice God's commands. Through fasting, prayer, contemplation, and charity, Muslims around the world renew their commitment to lead lives of honesty, integrity, and comion.

Throughout our history, people of different faiths have shaped the character of our Nation. Islam is a peaceful religion, and people who practice the Islamic faith have made great contributions to our Nation and the world. As Americans, we cherish our freedom to worship and we remain committed to welcoming individuals of all religions. By working together to advance freedom and mutual understanding, we are creating a brighter future of hope and opportunity.

Laura joins me in sending our best wishes. Ramadan mubarak.

George W. Bush
=
[Translation from Arabic of the actual message]

Could the camel-fornicator that finds our memo please it along to the People of Iraq?

Hi, Arab maggots! It's me, Mr. G. I just wanna inform you of them funds heading your way - and of the conditions them funds involve. Nope, our dime sure doesn't come cheap. There's a reason we're the world's richest nation, and I intend to maintain this title.

First: Give me my nuclear weapons back. Our army slaved on them top-notch pieces of arsenal; Saddam bought them from America for a fair price and promised to trigger them when we give him the order. Not only this traitor didn't come through, now you are claiming this prime nuclear goodness disappeared into thin air? C'mon, Donald begs for his uranium to return - be fair to him, the man can't live without it.

Second: Does the phrase 'Christ Is Your Friend' ring a bell? Get used to it.

And last one: Capitalism. Nuff said.

George

P.S. Laura is curious: why would someone want to celebrate the Ramada Inn? She reminded me of that night we spent there and got a stomach flu virus from their room service. I think she has a damn good point.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Correspondent ~
does CNN report.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Warrant Issued for Michael Jackson's Arrest =
Star remains just a wacko for children's arse!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
American President George W. Bush =
He needs grim war to bring us peace?!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The recent Microsoft Windows update =
Few noticed it's the same worn product.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Anthology: The Best Of Michael Jackson

Disc 1

1. Got To Be There
2. Rockin' Robin
3. Ain't No Sunshine
4. Maria (You Were The Only One)
5. I Wanna Be Where You Are
6. Girl Don't Take Your Love From Me
7. Love Is Here And Now You're Gone
8. Ben
9. People Make The World Go 'Round
10. Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day
11. With A Child's Heart
12. Everybody's Somebody's Fool
13. Greatest Show On Earth
14. We've Got A Good Thing Going
15. In Our Small Way
16. All The Things You Are
17. You Can Cry On My Shoulder
18. Maybe Tomorrow
19. I'll Be There
20. Never Can Say Goodbye
21. It's Too Late To Change The Time
22. Dancing Machine

Disc 2

1. When I Come Of Age
2. Dear Michael
3. Music And Me
4. You Are There
5. One Day In Your Life
6. Make Tonight All Mine
7. Love's Gone Bad
8. That's What Love Is Made Of
9. Who's Looking For A Lover
10. Lonely Teardrops
11. Cinderella Stay Awhile
12. We're Almost There
13. Take Me Back
14. Just A Little Bit Of You
15. Melodie
16. I'll Come Home To You
17. If N' I Was God
18. Happy
19. Don't Let It Get You Down
20. Call On Me
21. To Make My Father Proud
22. Farewell My Summer Love

=

Reviews by the delighted customers:

"A bloody good job, Michael - so good that I neglected my web-surfing for a whole day!" (Pete Townshend)
"We love your work!" (N.A.M.B.L.A.)
"Oh my god, what a dreamy collection! Playing the album in my room really gets me in the mood to drive by a school" (Pee Wee Herman)
"Not bad, for a goy! Hearing your voice fetched cute memories of Soon-Yi when she turned eight" (Woody Allen)
"Love the groove, Mike my man! Ah hell, you are too cool for words. Oh, and thanks for your latest advice - teenage booties ARE an inspiration!" (R. Kelly)
"Please, allow me to e-mail a 'kudos' for a nugget of an album, Michael. I know we don't see eye to eye when it comes to gender, but I like the overall theme... And ignore the D.A. - he is such a killjoy" (Roman Polanski)
"A great treat by an immortal icon... Holier than the Holiest... We would be honored to send some boys your way as indication of our gratitude" (from a long note by several anonymous Catholic clergymen)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Magic by Shel Silverstein

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Casino hotels =
To lose cash in.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Best-Selling Book in the World =
Still the Bible - God knew no others!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Saddam Hussein, the Iraqis' former president =
A squad pried his ass from his retirement den.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Two-ply bathroom tissue =
Royal smooth butt wipes.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Renaissance painter Michelangelo =
Real giant scenes in a chapel in Rome.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Peer-to-Peer File Sharing Software =
I saw great piles of free porn there!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
What's the sole difference between America's president and Mussolini? =
I need no faster mind if there's such a simple answer: Benito was *elected*.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Peter Jackson, the director of the LOTR series =
Three hits recreate Tolkien's Frodo projects.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Images from the NASA Spirit rover =
Impart great visions of Mars here.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, January 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
R. 'Dick' Cheney, Vice President of America =
I scheme, trick and deceive for any price.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Mona Lisa Smile", the Columbia Pictures production of a Mike Newell film, starring Julia Roberts ('Katherine Watson').=
Correct me if I'm wrong, but darn it, Julia's smile in this feature almost looks like it carries one whole, plump banana!

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Top Ten Ways I, Howard Dean, Can Turn Things Around

10. "Switch to decaf"
9. "Unveil new slogan: 'Vote for Dean and get one dollar off your next purchase at Blimpie'"
8. "Marry Rachel on final episode of 'Friends'"
7. "Don't change a thing -- it's going great"
6. "Show a little more skin"
5. "Go on 'American Idol' and give 'em a taste of these pipes"
4. "Start working out and speaking with Austrian accent"
3. "I can't give specifics yet, but it involves Ted Danson"
2. "Fire the staffer who suggested we do this lousy Top Ten list instead of actually campaigning"
1. "Oh, I don't know -- maybe fewer crazy, redfaced rants"

(The list is borrowed from the CBS Late Show with David Letterman)

=

Top Ten Tactics of Snagging Away G.W.'s Presidency

10. Lure him out of the Oval Office with a picnic basket
9. Pay off his tutor and get G.W. to enunciate 'poor' with a silent 'r'
8. Add Alec Baldwin to the White House staff
7. Put a pretzel in his snack kit
6. Tell him a nationwide campaign includes the fifty-first state of Rwanda
5. Ban every voter whose lingo contains 'Howdy'
4. Add an annexe to Rules of Governmental Positions, reasserting a fifth-grade education as mandatory
3. Add "no drunk drivers" to above rules
2. End all wars and dry most oil wells

And the No. One Tactic is:

1. Inform George that words might get even bigger in second-term speeches!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Jonathan Swift poem, which can be presented as a riddle when its title is obscured, anagrammed (with a twist) into another riddle poem whose subject is hidden.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa painting =
An enigma is on that lip.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The American President George 'Dubya' Bush =
Can he snub this deep gay urge to be married?

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences =
Conducted that ceremony as its praise of cinema.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Director Peter Jackson's 'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' =
First of three long hits which respect the prose of long-dead J.R.R. Tolkien.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Smart

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"So, would you like to go up to my flat for some coffee?" =
"To follow, I must see you offer a *good* ploy to fuck me."

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The director Mel Gibson =
Begin to remodel Christ.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Belgian Brandy Chocolates =
Best alcohol-bearing candy.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Collection of Tragedies by William Shakespeare =
Weepy as I detail crises of Othello, Macbeth, King Lear...

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
(snippet from the FDA website)

Wireless telephones are hand-held phones with built-in antennas, often called cell, mobile, or PCS phones. These phones are popular with callers because they can be carried easily from place to place.

Wireless telephones are two-way radios. When you talk into a wireless telephone, it picks up your voice and converts the sound to radiofrequency energy (or radio waves). The radio waves travel through the air until they reach a receiver at a nearby base station. The base station then sends your call through the telephone network until it reaches the person you are calling.

=

(A late word of advice for the several naive dupes eager to use their new cell phone: Please be aware that you will usually conduct hundreds of calls quite like this one:)

Person A: Hello, Eric?
Person B: Hey, Warren? Is that you?
Person A: Hello? Eric, are you there?
Person B: I can't hear you very well. Get the antenna open.
Person A: It IS open. Wait- (moves nine feet to the left) Is this better?
Person B: Hello? Can you hear me?
Person A: Hardly. What the hell is that eerie static crud?! I hate this stupid device!
Person B: Calm down, Warren. Check the screen.
Person A: Alright, hang on.
Person B: What does it say?
Person A: It says low batte- {click}

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2004:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[I saw fit to honor the Oscars, held a month ago, by extracting all 5 Best Picture nominees from the same base phrase. However, I couldn't ignore the Oscar's evil twin - The Golden Raspberry (or 'Razzie'), an award ceremony held 24 hours before the Oscars which dishonored the *worst* of 2003 cinema... The winners are at the bottom of each set.]

A list of the five films that are Academy Awards nominees in the Best Picture category: =
    A feisty MASTER AND COMMANDER gives life to the rich tale of the wisest captain Aubrey.
    Why, I see Murray's bit as a cheap-act made the gifted LOST IN TRANSLATION more effective.
    MYSTIC RIVER's genuine performances deal with that base idea of the state of calamity.
    View SEABISCUIT, my imperfect-yet-fine racehorse that ran to fame, against all the odds.
    A massive LORD OF THE RINGS finale piece, sated with beauty, came first at that ceremony.

A list of the five films nominated for the joke-award Golden Raspberry in the Worst Picture category: =
    Big, tragic Dr. Seuss rip-off CAT IN THE HAT transformed that loopy feline we love into a mere rowdy jerk.
    Another CHARLIE'S ANGELS trifle provided brisk joy of trampy women for the target audience of twits.
    At parts of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, even the best 'American Idol' fan grew tired of its weird choreography.
    The MTV-style THE REAL CANCUN joined the merry parties of Spring Break for raw footage of wild idiots.
    Reporters' reviews of our winner GIGLI say that the attempt of Ben Affleck and J-Lo at comedy is horrid.

[Also, to make these a bit more appealing, the above anagram sets were shaped as the actual symbols of these award shows:]

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Siberian tiger =
It is a rare being.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The impressionist landscape =
This sad place inspires Monet.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The White House Daily Press Briefing =
Hey, I air the lies of president G.W. Bush!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Her best asset =
These breasts!

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ironic by Alanis Morissette

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A sample from an Astrology site, anagrammed into 12 weekly predictions. I don't know if it comes through, but I'm not a fan of horoscopes.]

(Quoted from the Astrodienst site)
Introduction:
Astrology sees mankind as being not only influenced by hereditary factors and the environment, but also by the state of our solar system at the moment of birth. The planets are regarded as basic life-forces, the tools we live by as well as the basis of our very substance. These planetary forces take on different forms, depending on their zodiacal position and on the way they relate to one another.

=

Pisces:
A keen Mars settles above the Moon, so Neptune and Uranus may soon be in a very fiery trine, but it's not as dirty as it sounds.
On Friday, strolling in the street can be fatal, so better stay indoors and clip the letters off of the cover of a magazine to create terribly obscene death threats for the neighbor.
On Wednesday, you'll find the answer to the age-old question: What'll my employers do if I toss them to the floor and breakdance on their faces?

=

Aquarius:
Three terrific events shall bless your essence soon, so don't be daft and drop that razor blade. For now, Neptune's position alters all planetary alignments, which means it's fifteen beers before noon yet again.
It's best to take the advice of someone close to you and try to battle the obsession for Dan Aykroyd statuettes made entirely of lard.
The mystery of the vanishing cat ends when you trace the odor coming from behind the air filter.

=

Aries:
Not only do you let loved ones walk all over you, you grant a bag of cleat shoes beforehand. Quite oddly, Moon retreats and Mars settles in - can it afford rent?
On Monday, a teensy surprise is to be discovered where it's least anticipated, or you can take what's behind Curtain No. Three.
Note: A family member's consent to stay off booze feels less than honest in light of their arrest by the FBI for the attempt to baste the President in French dressing.

=

Scorpio:
Do your friends find the tendency to glorify Astrology "senseless"? Order a Personalized Star Chart! In a minute, every one of these boobs will tremble at your feet.
Soon, you'll note that your red car has been dented. Beat innocent pedestrians for catharsis.
At work, it seems that a 'confidant' has been squealing to the boss, so follow them around and take notes. If they spot it, baffle them by imitating a ferret, then advance on them assertively.

=

Sagittarius:
Do you often question horoscopes' earnestness? Order the Personalized Star Chart to destroy all brain matter left.
An instance that involves a red Toyota's steel fenders has benefits, no need to be frightened!
At work, a feeble-brained buffoon from your floor, at which you nodded maybe once, starts to stalk you, often settling behind the pillar by the elevators and emitting insane noises. If they come any closer, spray them with mace.

=

Gemini:
On Monday, it seems that Venus, affected by the Moon, shall retire to London, set up a toffee store and regress idly into senility.
Hobbies: In a bizarre turn of events, trying to dabble in Oriental stencil art shall set off an epidemic of yeast infections across North Dakota. You'll soon start to wonder if your seventh grade art teacher went for sarcasm when she heatedly equated your paper-mache tasks to "the best of the best done by Leonardo".

=

Libra:
An old flame resurfaces in your life, only to flee three seconds later, along with your mother's silverware and an autographed copy of 'Systems Analysis For the Incontinent' by the esteemed Dr. Typen Stainem.
On Monday, it'd be sad to see that Byron the Robot, created to conquer the world, is a rather bookish stiff that sports dozens of nose bleeds, but finding an attractive beret set of Einstein's valet in the flea market soothes you once again.

=

Virgo:
Your fate hosts bitterness, resentment and pain - Collect all three!
An amatory, flimsy offer leads to an unforeseen month of passion; that's a bit botched as one test proves that you're blood-related. Things slide even farther into the 'sordid' definition as it becomes quite clear that when you were a tender baby, they were bayonetting Nazis. Only some sort of freaky, stroke-inducing plan can end all of this, so you'd better do some research, fast.

=

Taurus:
Efforts to make deer season shorter are clearly done by the sissy-signs Libra and Virgo. Ah boy, I bet'ya that when the Lord handed out the best star icons, those seedy queers were last in line.
Soon, it'll be time to abandon UFO-spotting and marry the fondest of farmer Two-Toed Zeke's steers.
On Friday, cheery and ecstatic emotions blossom, till they prove to actually be the aftereffects of opening a can of paint thinner in an unventilated room.

=

Capricorn:
Soon, the ants and the rats will seize the entire flat; sadly, they'll take better care of it than you ever did.
Break the tense life of trying to bring Barbies and Cheetos to breed; Set off on a trip, but preferably one to a bolted institute. For now, the moon may retreat due to a squad of cows, dishes and spoons.
(So sorry if any of these are half-assed, even inane; I've lost my notes and had to consult smirches on my ceiling to summon the astral energy.)

=

Leo:
On Wednesday, you'll press the snooze button and stay in bed for another ten minutes. This may lead to your position at the Bagel factory being restaffed. Bereft, you'd enlist in the North Brooklyn Secret Cantors Clan for the Liberation of Iraq. After the clan's separate losses to a few tumbleweeds, you'd be stranded, sore and lost, in the Mohave desert. Salvation may come in the shape of Syrian officers giving the directions to the nearest K-Mart.

=

Cancer:
Certain events shall stir emotions, and may even lead to actions, but that's not written in stone. Annoying flyers on your windshield might boast too many barren offers, and theatres might boast profane sequels.
The color for today - Borscht-Red, and the active planet - oh, let's say the globe.
It would often seem that your life breezes by, like a 'Friends' teaser, yet treads on the same spot, like a 'Friends' episode.
Oh, and you're out of fabric softener.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Cigarette machines =
The aim is 'Get cancer'.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Final episode of the show 'Frasier' =
Oh, weep - 'Friends' is also off the air!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Olympic Games in Athens =
Ah, hasten! Gym is incomplete!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes =
One sly hero shall crack this murder soon!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Senator Kerry claims that Bush's foreign policy is "Ineffective" =
So sorry if I'm coarse, but try asking if the chief can even *spell* it.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Tribute to the Month of May

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Clinton's autobiography =
Horny goat's publication.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Clinton, the former US president =
Parts of the memoir will include interns.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
How many visitors of a modern art gallery does it take to screw in one light bulb? =
Two. One to try, and one to growl: "It's lame! Five-year-old girls can make this rubbish!"

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American President Ronald Wilson Reagan =
A real moron, in acting AND western leadership.

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2004:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dear Chet,
I want this big man who knows what love is all about. You are sexy, kind and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being most useless and pathetic. Chet, you've ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever content - will you let me be yours? Jessica.

Dear Chet,
I want this big man who knows what love is. All about you are sexy, kind and thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being most useless and pathetic. Chet, you've ruined me. For other men, I yearn; For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever content. Will you let me be? Yours, Jessica.

=

(A civilian to George W. Bush, White House)
Ah, time to compliment you! Well, frankly, I can't stop thinking you are one of the best US presidents! We have had so many leaders go ahead and rule our fair nation unevenly and botch the job. You see, we expect it... From you, however, in years to come, I know we will have far better results.

(A civilian to George W. Bush, White House)
Ah, time to compliment you? Well, frankly, I can't! Stop thinking you are one of the best US presidents! We have had so many leaders. Go ahead and rule our fair nation unevenly and botch the job. You see, we expect it from you. However, in years to come, I know we will have far better results...

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare's Sonnet 19

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The singer Dolly Parton =
"Hooters? Plenty, darling!"

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The rider Lance Armstrong of Austin, Texas =
So, a man garners sixth 'Tour de France' title!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Microsoft products =
Third of computer's cost...

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The new Bond girl in Lee Tamahori's 'Die Another Day' =
I admit, I had to see renowned Halle Berry in a thong!

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
(The original show's opening lines, as uttered by Captain Kirk)

Space... The final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.
Its five year mission:
To explore strange new worlds...
To seek out new life and new civilizations...
To boldly go where no man has gone before!

=

Shatner... The worst thespian.
This feeble series presents his ongoing, rash efforts to speak fiercely and emote.
His insane pronunciations:
Will agonize even hardcore Trekkies...
Will prove brains need to get oxygen to be alive...
Will draw attention away from his goofy toupee!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
If by Rudyard Kipling

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The DreamWorks Studio =
Our team did two 'Shreks'.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Opening Ceremony of the Athens Olympic Games =
No match - Greece has spent one mighty pile of money!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The famous mystery novelist Arthur Conan Doyle =
Any theft or nasty murder? You can solve it, Holmes!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abstinence Education Program =
Campaigned to ban intercourse.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The tragedy 'Othello, Moor of Venice' by William Shakespeare =
Iago's hostile plan led me to choke my wife over her 'betrayal'.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2004:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Games of the Twenty-eighth Olympiad =
I fight my way, then hope to get the medals!

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid - aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deson't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

=

ll'I timda ti - eht elat SI gnizama, er'uoy tcerroc! tuB gnittup eht imes-demmargana sdrow edisa, tahw tuoba seno taht era nettirw ni esrever? naC eht tnalutep dnim taeb TAHT elttil hctih dna daer meht lla ylisae nehw er'yeht denrut dnuora? ll'I teb ti t'nac, esuaceb htob eht tsrif dna tsal srettel evah yltsom degnahc rieht snoitisop (hguoht ton ni niatrec sdrow, hcus sa eht cimordnilap 'tenet')... ehT ylno sredaer ohw evah a nrad ecnahc tsum eb deubmi htiw a doog rialf rof yalpdrow!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by Wilde about Shelley; one by Shelley about Wordsworth; one by Wordsworth about Milton; and one by Milton about Shakespeare

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The symptoms of constipation =
It can postpone most of my shit!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A speeding car =
Daring escape!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ceiling murals of the Sistine Chapel =
Hail Michelangelo's finest pictures!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The actress Marilyn Monroe =
Hey, immortal star on screen!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on November Second, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice, then the danger is that we'll get hit again, and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States." (V.P. Richard Cheney)

=

After the shocking statement, Bush's inevitable act was to fire Cheney.
"I had the godawful note read to me again. It was beyond belief", the president muttered. "I still can't get past the 'avoid the wrong choice' bit. Can someone tell me what the hell was he thinking? Why was he advocating Kerry?!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet Number Two by William Shakespeare

 

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The bikini model =
"I'm, like, hot in bed!"

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Apocalypse Now' =
How Coppola eyes Vietnam.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The elections in November, Two Thousand Four =
Dolt runs the nation if we vote 'Bush' once more.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bill Clinton, the former president of the USA =
On reflection, I'd still prefer the man to Bush!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft Internet Explorer =
Expect online terrors from it.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mad Hatter's question to Alice: "Why is a raven like a writing-desk?" =
Ah, I got it! I created an answer: "It seems the two have inky-dark quills!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's 76th sonnet anagrammed into a paraphrase (up to a point), its theme being the Baconian controversy

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
President George W. Bush has won =
Ah, depressing news brought woe.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, November 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The famous painter Pablo Ruiz Picasso =
Popularizes Cubism into a phase of art.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ingredients of a McDonald's Shake =
Gee, that's odd - a scan finds no 'Milk' here.

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Bush Pardons Thanksgiving Turkey
Wed, Nov 17

President Bush has spared the life of the nation's Thanksgiving turkey, after an election to name the bird which he reports was "neck and neck."

Continuing a 57-year White House tradition, the president formally issued the pardon for 'Biscuits' and the back-up bird 'Gravy' in a Rose Garden ceremony.

The turkeys were raised in West Virginia, and will now go to a petting zoo in the Washington suburbs.

The naming ballot was conducted on the White House Web site, which recorded thousands of entries. The names 'Patience' and 'Fortitude' came in second. Bush reports it was a nasty campaign, with attack ads from a group called "Barnyard Animals for Truth", and what he says was a scurrilous film called "Fahrenheit 375 Degrees - at Ten Minutes Per Pound."

=

Baked 'Biscuits'
Wed, Nov 24

In a surprising turn, George W. Bush annulled his pardon for 'Biscuits' the turkey, sentencing it to death instead.

Apparently Biscuits had fed on, among other things, turkey mince and "was, in fact, pecking on his own." G.W. called this "a cannibalistic, morally evil frenzy", and warned: "Harsh acts spur harsh punishment."

After a last meal of cranberry sauce, parsnip and white rice, the bird is due to fry on Friday morning. This would be simultaneously broadcast on radio, Court-TV and the Food Network.

Although G.W. denied revenge was the reason, a White House source tips that in one week the turkey proved to be a better speaker than the president, knew more White House Staff names than him, and was pressed to run against G.W. as the Democratic candidate in Oh-Eight.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Remember me when I am gone away

 

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Polanski, the director =
"It's OK to rape children."

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Second term of the Bush administration =
Mind if I doubt that chosen one's smarter?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
General A. Pinochet =
Great Chilean? Nope.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The RSPCA (The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) =
Oh, role's to protect a variety of species? Then I truly *can't* harm one fly!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Traditional Christmas Greetings
I sign the card, mail it to strangers.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
On the twelfth day of Christmas

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paddy's Song (The Bricklayer's Lament)

 

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The airport security guard =
Stretch a digit up your rear.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2005:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Coins kept ~
in pockets.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
CEO William Henry Gates the Third =
He cried: "Wealth, that's my religion!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Leaning Tower of Pisa =
I spot one giant flaw here...

 

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Stained motel sheets =
See that it's old semen.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Charles to wed Camilla Parker Bowles on April Eighth =
Pale old Brit will plan marriage? So, who the heck CARES?!

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hoffa, the Teamster Union leader =
I hear the man's a LOT of feet under.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar nominees for Best Motion Picture: 'Sideways', 'Million Dollar Baby', 'Finding Neverland', 'The Aviator', 'Ray' =
Meet a sad vino-lover, an ambitious fighter, a children's writer, a simply intense flyboy - and a blind crooner, too!

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2005:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Do They Know It's Christmas Time 2004

 

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The art of seduction =
Need that for coitus.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A trained sushi chef =
He's a tuna-fish dicer!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Travel Guide To London' =
I'd love to tour England!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Chicago millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett =
See, this noted flier loves to circumnavigate Earth!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Eastern Africa =
A safari center.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Star Wars: Episodes I (The Phantom Menace), II (Attack of the Clones) and III (Revenge of the Sith) =
It irks me how these digital movie adaptations erase the past innocence of the franchise!

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A news story clip from the DeHavilland website]

The Queen will miss the civil wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8th, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

As the prince and Mrs Parker Bowles wished to keep the occasion a "low-key" affair, the Queen would honour their plans and stay away, the palace said.

But the sovereign intends to join the congregation at a church blessing service led by the Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams in St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle, following the civil wedding, the spokesman added.

=

Top Ten Reasons The Queen Is Ditching Charles and Camilla's Wedding:

10. Her corgis will have to be spayed for it.
9. She doesn't want to be the Belle of the Ball.
8. She saw Camilla's frock.
7. She saw Charles' frock.
6. Gift-wrapping a bag of dry Kibble can be trickier than it appears.
5. She planned a craved tryst with a suicide machine.
4. She planned to drunkenly mount a sad old equine of her own.
3. Interviewing dirty hunchbacks to man Camilla's position in Notre Dame will have her occupied.
2. Swallowing the Crown Jewels will have her occupied.
1. She's opposed to gay marriage.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A sonnet by Keats, anagrammed into three poems each in the style of different poet

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Have safe intercourse =
I cover these fun areas.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Star Clint Eastwood ~
also wants to direct.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Despite hope, ~
the Pope dies.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
London's Westminster Abbey =
One wanders by silent tombs.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', directed by Steven Spielberg =
It's a biblical trove from God they seek, preserved in the desert.

 

LONG CATEGORY, April 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Childhood by Michael Jackson

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
An excerpt from The Parson's Tale


RUDE CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A pair of crotchless panties =
Has rip for potential access.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The legal profession =
One gets help of liars.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Beatles' Yellow Submarine =
Album's entirely below sea!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Saddam pictures in 'The Sun' =
Captured this man's undies.

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The indicted singer Michael Jackson =
"Get in, scared child! Join me in the sack!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Parisian street =
A painter sits there.

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti: A Birthday

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The nude resorts =
There to undress!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes =
OK, is the romance simulated?

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US astronaut Neil Alden Armstrong =
Let's send this great man on a lunar tour!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
In regard to his social security plan, Bush's stated that he 'remains undeterred'. =
He then burst into a manic laughter and told his press secretary: "See, I said TURD."

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bonnie Parker & Clyde Barrow =
Known pair declare: "Robbery!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Top 20 picks of AFI's jury members for the most popular and lingering key quotes in motion picture history:

20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." (Casablanca)
19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" (Network)
18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (White Heat)
17. "Rosebud." (Citizen Kane)
16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!" (In the Heat of the Night)
15. "E.T. phone home." (E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial)
14. "The stuff that dreams are made of." (The Maltese Falcon)
13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry." (Love Story)
12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." (Apocalypse Now)
11. "What we've got here is failure to communicate." (Cool Hand Luke)
10. "You talking to me?" (Taxi Driver)
9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night." (All About Eve)
8. "May the Force be with you." (Star Wars)
7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." (Sunset Boulevard)
6. "Go ahead, make my day." (Sudden Impact)
5. "Here's looking at you, kid." (Casablanca)
4. "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." (The Wizard of Oz)
3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am." (On the Waterfront)
2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather)
1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." (Gone with the Wind)

=

Oh, a neat list of lines - but to even things out, I want to nominate 20 entries for the most *heinous* film extract ever:

20. "Did NASA find oil on Uranus, man?" (Armageddon)
19. "This is why Superman works alone." (Batman & Robin)
18. "The rat is the cleanest one." (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II)
17. "You ooze, you lose." (Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie)
16. "No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu!" (Howard The Duck)
15. "I came here to study the great American art of muff diving." (Van Wilder)
14. "Move the feet to the left, you're in my shot." (the Paris Hilton video)
13. "Die, stuffed ball of fluff!" (Death to Smoochy)
12. "I had no idea you could blow like that." (Glitter)
11. [Many men and women vomit at a funeral] (Mafia!)
10. "Grab my belly and make a wish." (Kazaam)
9. "Huh?" (Dude, Where's My Car?)
8. "I always wanted to cornhole me a blind chick." (The Toxic Avenger)
7. "Haven't you ever heard of the word "compromisation"?" (Spice World)
6. "They make my penis sneeze." (Gigli)
5. "It's turkey time! Gobble Gobble!" (Gigli)
4. "Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags." (The Attack of The Killer Tomatoes)
3. "I'm the king of the world!" (Titanic)
2. "I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango." (Battlefield Earth)
1. "One thing's sure - Inspector Clay is dead. Murdered. And somebody's responsible." (Plan Nine from Outer Space)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
John Keats: To My Brother George

 

PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The private detective Sherlock Holmes =
I hope the clever dick solves the matter!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2005:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
President's Bathrooms at the White House =
So Bush has the time to read his new Potter.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Three Stages of Truth:

First, it is ridiculed;
Next, it is violently attacked;
Finally, it is held to be self-evident.

=

Five Hints Devised by Liars:

1. Relax the odd tic;
2. Stifle latent titters;
3. Hone the lie;
4. Stick to it dutifully;
5. Feign tears.

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz =
My kind zap Fox TV, squelch GWB Jr.!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The medical profession =
Help to confirm disease.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world." =
And if a man tries to rationalize force to conduct wars, it shows us he is George Bush.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
On an Infant Dying as Soon as Born by Charles Lamb


GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Signboard =
Boring ads.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mister Hyde =
Yes, I'm the Dr.!

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
House of the Rising Sun (traditional version)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two anagrams of a sonnet by Wilde

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The act of masturbation
Ain't that a burst of come?

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The trial of president Saddam Hussein =
It sure is hard to defend this man's plea.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
G.W. Bush, the American president =
The man's screwing it up bad here!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

'Beyond Multiple Choice: Evaluating Alternatives to Traditional Testing for Selection' by Milton D. Hakel =

This guide is likely to be:

[ ] A little pedantic
[ ] Darn unconvincing
[ ] A totally tiresome torment
[*] All of the above.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The complete list of Shakespeare's plays anagrammed into a sonnet.

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A lesbian relationship =
So, I hear it'll ban a penis!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mike Newell's 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' =
Enthralling film, yet we prefer to read the books!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2005:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Macy's Parade Disaster: Balloon Falls, Hits Two =
"Well", passers-by admit, "the scandal's a lot of hot air".

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US comedian Seinfeld =
He's often induced a smile.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life" =
No race'll be superior if not strong, clever or even fast enough? He is lying! I offer the United States of America as proof.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abusive relationships =
Pain? Bruises? I have lots.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa drawing =
A damsel with a grin on.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sir Elton's big day =
Not by a girl's side...

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2005:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Blessed Virgin Mary =
Delivers by this manger.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hitler's dictatorship =
A Third Reich's its plot.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

[Bush Teleconference With Soldiers Staged 10/13/05
WASHINGTON - It was billed as a conversation with U.S. troops, but the questions President Bush asked on a teleconference call Thursday were choreographed to match his goals for the war in Iraq and Saturday's vote on a new Iraqi constitution. "This is an important time," Allison Barber, deputy assistant defense secretary, said, coaching the soldiers before Bush arrived. "The president is looking forward to having just a conversation with you."]

Here's a small segment from the beginning of the program:

The President: Captain Kennedy?
Captain Kennedy: Yes, Mr. President.
The President: Well, it's good to see you. Thanks. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to allow me to visit with you a little bit. I've got some questions for you here in a minute, but I do want to share some thoughts with you. First, I want to thank the members of the 42nd Infantry Division and Task Force Liberty for serving our country with such distinction and honor. I want you to know that the mission you are on is vital to achieving peace and to protecting America. One of my most solemn duties, a duty that you have joined me on, is to protect the American people.

=

The rehearsal

Ms. Barber: Nice to see you, gentlemen. Prior to your discussion with the president, I want to instruct you succinctly
so the conversation won't flop; however, if anyone inquires in regard to the instructions, you'd have to pretend you've
never heard any of them.
G.W.: (chuckles) Funny color, that khaki. It sounds like a dirty joke.
Ms. Barber (sighs): And that, too. Do you have any questions so far?
G.W.: Would we also be airing the rehearsal, auntie?
Ms. Barber: Actually, I meant the troops, Mr. President.
Captain Smith: I've got one. Is it alright to mention last night's mission?
Ms. Barber: Not if it's too gory. Unless it's positive gore. I understand that one of you shined yesterday.
Captain Kennedy: That was me. I had to shoot a few Iraqis that came to the camp with a couple of odd-looking fruits.
And I'd do it again, too. I'd stop at nothing for the just cause of the US of A, ma'am.
Ms. Barber: Wonderful conviction. If it's alright with everyone, I'd like Captain Kennedy to be the spokesman. Now,
let's have a little test. Sir?
G.W.: (squints) Damn these tiny cue-cards. Where's that prompter?
Ms. Barber: I need an hour to set it up-
G.W.: Neato. Off you go, soldierinos. (switches the channel on the video screen) It's Nintendo time.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The 1st verse of Jabberwocky

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The calendar model =
A doll had men erect.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ang Lee's film 'Brokeback Mountain' ~
about menial farm blokes necking.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar nominations unveiled =
Movies' list announced on-air.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Israeli PM Ariel Sharon =
He's in mortal peril, as I hear.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Do tell me", I asked president George W. Bush, "What's your honest opinion of Roe v. Wade?" =
"Sorry, kid", he answered, bemused, "I don't give a shit how people got out of New Orleans!"

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Little Fun With Math

1. Pick any number from 1 to 7.
2. Double your number and add 5.
3. Multiply this new total by 50.
4. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1756. If not, add 1755.
5. Subtract the four-digit year in which you were born.
6. Only a three-digit number remains. The first digit of this number was the one you picked. The last two digits are your age.

=

The Freudian Magic Trick

1. Be totally at ease.
2. Drift within your mind's depths as you leave your body behind.
3. Try to waft by a bad memory - that darn awful time in which you were hurt, subdued or humiliated.
4. Let this day's wrath float up again.
5. Find the person you blame for this terribly degrading incident...
6. You're thinking about your mother.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar Wilde sonnet, "E Tenebris"

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A plate of spaghettini =
Get a pile of thin pasta.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Steve Martin plays Inspector Clouseau =
Vacuous man's copy? Peter Sellers it ain't!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Danish newspaper cartoon angers the Muslims =
Seems a plain pen is much stronger than a sword...

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie =
Trade a Jen to nail Big Lip.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
vice (noun):
1. Moral depravity or corruption
2. A moral fault or failing
3. A habitual and usually trivial defect or shortcoming.

=

vice president:
1. A common fill-in
2. Valued authority or motivator for a crucial hour
3. An arrogant old US bully firing at a pal.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
MacArthur Park (Lyrics and music by Jimmy Webb)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Below is an anagram of this very text, in which renowned men (thirteen overall) are arranged in a rather particular order, as each man's name is entirely comprised of the rear of the name preceding it and the start of the name succeeding it. Our circular chain is currently shown under some hints (the men's short descriptions, number of letters) and a small spoiler space, granting all big brains an opportunity to decipher this riddle - although any person may simply scroll down for the answer.

Enjoy!

=

1. Christian saint (6)
2. French mathematician (8)
3. US thespian ('The Odd Couple') (7)
4. US thespian and film director ('Another Woman') (5)
5. German fantasy writer ('The Neverending Story') (4)
6. US film director ('Cleopatra') (7)
7. US playwright and essayist ('Death of a Salesman') (6)
8. Jewish-Austrian psychologist (5)
9. German conductor (8)
10. English writer and essayist ('Fever Pitch') (6)
11. English poet ('Prometheus') (5)
12. US\Norwegian Antarctic explorer (5)
13. Roman emperor (4)

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

1. Robert 2. Bertrand 3. Randall 4. Allen 5. Ende 6. DeMille 7. Miller
8. Reich 9. Eichhorn 10. Hornby 11. Byron 12. Ronne 13. Nero.


SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
O Solitude!

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A cure for bald males =
A dream for cue-balls.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'On the Origin of Species' by author Charles Darwin =
Big theory which infers our ancestor is an old ape.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Media report on avian flu cases =
Paranoid tales of virus menace.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Slobodan Milosevic =
Don't sob over him, after prison-cell demise.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft Help and Support Website =
Stupid patch! Problem is often worse!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. (Arnold Toynbee) =
I remain most livid over a greatly incorrect adage, as it is *I* who grovel and lick my Yankee master's loafer! (Tony Blair)

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's quickly survey all of the 78th Academy Awards winners:

Best Motion Picture "Crash"
Best Director: Ang Lee
Best Lead Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney
Best Lead Actress: Reese Witherspoon
Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz
Best Original Screenplay: "Crash"
Best Adapted Screenplay: "Brokeback Mountain"
Best Editing: "Crash"
Best Cinematography: "Memoirs of a Geisha"
Best Art Direction: "Memoirs of a Geisha" [John Myhre and Gretchen Rau]
Best Costume Design: "Memoirs of a Geisha" [Colleen Atwood]
Best Makeup: "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe"
Best Sound Editing: "King Kong"
Best Sound Mixing: "King Kong"
Best Visual Effects: "King Kong"
Best Original Score: "Brokeback Mountain" [Gustavo Santaolalla]
Best Original Song: "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" [Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard]
Best Foreign Language Film: "Tsotsi"
Best Documentary: "March of the Penguins"
Best Short Documentary: "A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin"
Best Animated Film: "Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit"
Best Animated Short Film: "The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation"
Best Live Action Short Film: "Six Shooter"

=

But never mind these... Time to see who the new Golden Raspberry winners are:

Worst Picture: A random strand of gross-out scenes titled "Dirty Love"

Most Unbearable Actor: That ignoble Rob Schneider constantly mugging for the camera in "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo"

Most Unbearable Actress: A boob-enhanced Jenny McCarthy assuming Skank Mode in "Dirty Love"

Sorriest Supporting Actor: Hayden Christensen's stiff face attempting to emote in George Lucas's "Star Wars Episode III"

Tackiest Supporting Actress: Famous-but-talentless heiress Paris Hilton being slaughtered and somehow sucking at it in "House of Wax"

Most Boring Screen Couple: The mind-boggling mismatch of Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman in the feeble fiasco "Bewitched"

Most Abominable Remake\Sequel: The instant box-office bomb "Son of the Mask"

Most Amateurish Script: An unspeakable draft that Ms. McCarthy has penned for "Dirty Love"

Crappiest Director: The hack John Asher for his homage to gonorrhea, "Dirty Love"

Most Tiresome Tabloid Target (AKA Biggest Douchebag): Crazed scientologist and pest Tom Cruise, for going bananas on Oprah's couch, babbling incoherently about Katie Holmes and being a freak in general.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Poisoning Pigeons In The Park

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The nudist community =
I must not hide my cunt!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American president George Walker Bush =
Gee, the liar's rating numbers drop each week!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes name their baby Suri, supposedly the Jewish word for 'Princess' =
Maybe I should interject (as I speak Hebrew): I fear there's simply NO such word, stupid morons!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
In An Artist's Studio

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dominants =
Into S-and-M.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sumo tournaments =
Enormous mutants!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Screen icon Fred Astaire =
One's dances are terrific!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Gary Griffin book, 'Penis Enlargement Methods: Fact and Phallusy'=
One fraud by a hack tells the men to find a proper magnifying glass!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Peace Proposal

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Lack of inches =
An elfish cock.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Professional lion tamer =
One's in peril of a lost arm.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last Supper" =
Lord Savior and pupils at the scene.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Iranians' nuclear weapons =
I can see another war in US plan.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Saddam Hussein =
Punish the arrested man for misdeeds.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Michael Gerson, top speech-writer to president Bush for years, is leaving the administration =
Having inspected that report, I am basically surprised! Someone *wrote* these inferior things?!

 

AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The World Cup Finals in Germany =
Nap? Screw? Only during halftime!

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A man lives on the 10th floor of his apartment building. Every single day he takes the elevator to go down to the ground floor and goes to work. When he returns, he takes the elevator to the 7th floor and walks the remainder of the trip up the stairs, but if it is a rainy day, he proceeds to ride it all the way up. He doesn't like walking, and there is definitely nothing wrong with his mind or the elevator. Can you conclude why he does it?

[ANSWER]

This man is a dwarf and simply can't reach his desired button. If it's raining he has an umbrella and uses it to reach his floor number.
=

Officers find a short man hanging in a large, entirely empty room that's locked from the inside, and there's a puddle of water under the poor person's feet. Naturally, they believe it's a murder, observing that since the noose is too high to reach and it's a rainy day, the puddle is where the assailant stood and this murderer had to retreat through the window. However, an astute rookie thinks this isn't a murder at all but really an inventive suicide. Why would he think that?

[ANSWER]

The poor fellow took his own life by hanging himself while standing on a block of ice.
The sketch (replayed here, now somehow set in the USA), which in its heyday starred the legendary actor Peter Sellers and Michael Bentine, has, I hope, remained one of the best gags ever.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wilfred Owen's Anthem for Doomed Youth

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A shirt's wet? =
Saw her tits!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Three Israeli soldiers are captured =
There's a prelude to a real dire crisis...

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Leader of the British Labour Party =
Blair, the toady lap-terrier of Bush.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Vatican Observatory =
Vicar, note thy star above!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
'One Thousand Places to See Before You Die', an American guidebook for travellers written by Patricia Schultz =
Hey, it includes treasures to tour abroad, like Big Ben, Louvre, Tower of Pisa, Florence Cityscape and the Amazon!

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The 'American Book Review' folks had honored the readers with a hundred hailed 1st lines in literature. Here's just a peek, then, at their top 10:

10. "I am an invisible man." (Invisible Man)
9. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair." (A Tale of Two Cities)
8. "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen." (1984)
7. "riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs." (Finnegans Wake)
6. "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (Anna Karenina)
5. "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins." (Lolita)
4. "Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice. (One Hundred Years of Solitude)
3. "A screaming comes across the sky." (Gravity's Rainbow)
2. "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." (Pride and Prejudice)
1. "Call me Ishmael." (Moby Dick)

=

As I love to roam inconceivably vile fiction, I feel I am a bit guilty of being a vicious fan of illiteracy - so I offer you, if I may, a slice of it in my official list of 10 quite cataclysmic citations I obtained from a few (mostly trivial) books:

10. "All who knew Yas, knew Yas was freakin'." (Beyond The Known)
9. "She wanted to wrap her legs around him the way a tree wraps itself around a mountain." (Bodysmasher)
8. "Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of clothing." (The Stonebreakers)
7. "No! No! No! No! Oh, God in heaven! This cannot be!" (The Scarlet Pimpernel)
6. "Pin-stripes were erotic, the uniform of fathers, two-dimensional fathers. Even Mr. Hughes's penis had a seductive pin-striped foreskin." (Tread Softly)
5. "Her ears were filled with the sound of a soft but frantic gasping and it was some time before she identified it as her own." (Charlotte Gray)
4. "She made a noise somewhere between a beached seal and a police siren." (The Matter of the Heart)
3. "Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman? She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa... Aiwa." (Kissing England)
2. "It was a dark and stormy night..." (Paul Clifford)
1. "She stuck to his prime grade-A tush like shrink-wrap to a rump roast." (Nobody Does It Better)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Holy Tango of Literature.

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
Eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A game of Russian Roulette =
A failure's sent to a morgue.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Martin Luther King's famous "I Have A Dream" =
A valued human-rights manifesto, I remark!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
War in South Lebanon =
A whole nation burns.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The actor Mel Gibson =
Bottle in car? Gosh, me?!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Lord of the Rings' Fan Club =
Boring chat full of nerds.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
'Five Steps To Spiritual Growth: A Journey', written by Peter M. Kalellis=
1. Buy paper;
2. Fill with junk;
3. Sell raves to twits;
4. Get money;
5. Retire to Paris.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
GIBSON'S APOLOGY EMBRACED BY JEWISH GROUPS

Mel Gibson has been invited to meet with three prominent American Jewish groups, after his apology for making anti-Semitic remarks when he was arrested for drunk driving last week.

Gibson is alleged to have voiced his apparent hatred of Jews as he was being questioned by California police officer James Mee after he was caught speeding through Malibu, California, while drunk.

He has apologised publicly, asking the Jewish community to assist his "journey through recovery". The 1939 Club, New York's Museum of Jewish Heritage and a Beverly Hills rabbi have all reached out to Gibson to meet with them.

1939 Club president William Elperin says. "Our members are offering that help, by assisting Mr Gibson in understanding the extremes of anti-Semitism and what they and their families - many of whom were slaughtered by the Nazis - endured."

=

MEL GIBSON JUGGLES SEVERAL FILM PROJECTS

Mel won't abide his being stamped a bible-thumping weirdo. "Because of his sparring with the law and the Jewish community, he wishes to remain a big name in show business", his agent said, "which is why he's juggling many new film projects."
Here are some of them:

"Eva and I": The rather sad WWII tale of a weary couple shut in a Berlin bomb shelter.

"Diaries of the Clerks of Zino": Investigator James Huxley (played by Gibson) uncovers a hidden plot for world domination.

"The Merchant Massacre": A modern thriller, based on the play by William Shakespeare, about a grotesque murderer in present-day Venice.

"The Kyle Kane Knights": A guard group of vigilantes formed by Kyle Kane (Gibson) becomes a huge army fighting for pure-white freedom.

"Irving": The life of the respected British historian and his most courageous war with the Austrian justice system.

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The cheap motel =
Help me to cheat.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The criminal defense attorney =
Man hired to set any client free.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" =
We enter a world which is behind that closet.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin Killed By A Stingray =
Dying diver will utter his last, ocean-borne "Crikey!"

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pope Benedict's anti-Islam remarks in that speech have angered the Muslim world =
The Vatican spokesman pledged: "I blame it on the speechwriter, Mr. Salman Rushdie!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 104 anagrammed four times

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Male sexual dysfunction =
One climaxes unduly fast!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Traditional wedding ceremonies =
Two declaring "I do" need a minister.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The 'Cappella Sistina' frescoes =
Sit speechless in a place of art.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A question to G.W. that he prefers to ignore: ~
When are these troops getting out of iraq?

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The American President George W. Bush =
We can agree he's not bright, I'd presume?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar Wilde poem 'Les Silhouettes'

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A McDonald's Restaurant =
Damn lardass at counter!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan =
An abnormal foreign kook realizing the brutal, racist nature of some fanatic USA folk.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti's 'Listening' anagrammed into 3 poems.

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Penis enhancement surgeries =
See puniest men garner inches.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The cigarette company =
I pay them to get cancer.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2006:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Royal New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals =
Yes, plenty of men loved a certain lot of creatures... in the horizontal way.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry merchants,
May ye make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high,
Tell us to go out and buy!
=
Hey, heed a Santa at the mall,
Spooking minors big and small.
He's a groggy, eerie brute;
That's gravy on the guy's red suit!
When to them he'd turn his eye,
Every kid would run and cry!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Twas The Night Before Christmas

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Military weapon =
Employ it in a war.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Puccini's opera 'Madame Butterfly' =
Macabre play put to refined music.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
United States politics =
Suspect it's oil-tainted.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Immortal Bard, William Shakespeare =
This admirable writer shall make a poem.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Swift's Epitaph by William Butler Yeats

Swift has sailed into his rest;
Savage indignation there
Cannot lacerate his breast.
Imitate him if you dare,
World-besotted traveller; he
Served human liberty. =
Poem at Steve Irwin's burial

This still Aussie, there he lies
After a marine demise.
Swiftly did that brat depart
When that stingray stabbed his heart.
May you win eternal love -
Lifting crocodiles, above!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
http://www.anagrammy.com/misc/jumble.htm

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US singer Britney Spears =
Bares her pussy? Interesting!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The defibrillator =
For ill heart, I'd bet!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's novel 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' =
He conceals a now overly disfigured portrait.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Plains of the Serengeti =
Spot giant felines here.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Stanley Kubrick's film "Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb"=
Bloody funny romp, involving a stark cold-war-gone-berserk theme, obliterates this world.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
British Marines in Shatt al-Arab waterway=
Blair starts a war with the Iranians, maybe?

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Clinton, the former president of the USA =
I am now free of politics... I let the Mrs. run the land!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mount Rushmore National Memorial =
I honor a real immortal US monument.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Immensely thankful, touched, proud, astonished, abashed." =
"Only a man that refused to be hushed could speak his mind."

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 153

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Silence is golden in ~
Celine Dion singles.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Students' Massacre at Virginia Tech =
This sad, tragic event stuns America.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin =
Insobriety is the reason for my pickled liver, then?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 144

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2007:
Eq. 1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End =
The noble epic of bandits was rated "Arr!" ;)

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Kate Moss, a supermodel =
So, most meals are puked?

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mount Everest in the Himalayas =
Heaven's a reality on the summit!

 

LONG CATEGORY, May 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

Below are a few favored entries from the Washington Post's Style Invitational archives, in which readers were asked to alter words by a single letter, redefining them as a result:

Fuhrenheit: The temperature in Hell.

Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can't figure out how to work the copying machine.

Fearcical: Ludicrous yet vaguely alarming. "There's a fearcical rumor we're going to invade Venezuela."

Emacidate: Go out with a fashion model.

Demoticon: A little symbol signifying bad news on an e-mail from the boss.

Unergy: A condition that strikes people on the way to work, mostly on Mondays.

Entrophy: The consequence of resting on one's laurels.

Enguish: What elocution teachers feel when they hear the president on the radio.

Fatulence: That squishing noise of thighs rubbing together.

Foresking: The best mohel in town.

Forget-me-note: A Dear John letter.

=

Let me try the unique concept, by anagramming literature:

"A Net Perp": The Boy Who Would Not Grow Up goes too far when chatting with teens online.

"Thelma": The prince of Denmark struggles with serious gender issues.

"On A Hive": Sir Walter Scott's hero proves to be no match to a ferocious swarm of annoyed bees.

"Row, Mateys!": Mark Twain's tale of one young rogue and his friend Huck Finn who lead a fierce mutiny on a hobo-slave ship.

"The Hog Farted": Mario Puzo's novel, where one pig's flatulence sets off the legendary fight between cruel mobs in the N.Y. Zoo.

"1849": The eerie story imagining Ireland as a totalitarian society, in which the famished folk are not allowed to eat the potatoes.

"Cheery In The Cart": J.D. Salinger's Holden forgets his troubled melancholy for one gleeful ride in his little wagon.

"Vitriol Stew": The Dickensian urchin regrets the request: "May I have another?"

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A sonnet by Alfred Lord Tennyson

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Last novel of the Harry Potter series =
Her 'Part Seven' of a little hero's story.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
Eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paris Hilton Free =
Left prison, I hear.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The CNN interviewer Larry King =
Wrinkly thing can never retire.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ABC network says it had chosen to find a new title for the show "Sam I Am" due to a threat it recieved, written by Dr. Seuss lawyers =
That letter stated: "We forbid it on the air. We forbid it everywhere. Ditch that name and show some class, we can sue your stinky ass!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Superscription

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A female porno star on film =
Performs fellatio on a man.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The abortion pills =
I'll poison the brat.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
George W. Bush, The President of the USA =
The pig! He refuses to end the bogus war!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The homosexual relationship =
Asshole-exploration time, huh?

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Leonardo da Vinci's masterpiece, 'Mona Lisa' =
I am a smiler posed on canvas, created in oil.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
George W. Bush Administration =
Tedious war-mongering habits.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
American General Dwight D. Eisenhower =
One leader charged the Germans in WWII.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The NASA shuttle "Discovery" =
Study the stars on a vehicle.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One
Small,
Precise,
Poetic,
Spiraling mixture:
Math plus poetry yields the Fib.=
Mere Pi Entry

It's
A
Poem
I elect
Emulating Pi...
Duplex bliss for pithy scholars!

[A double constraint: The poem's body is also a word-length Pi mnemonic, up to 12 decimal places (3.14159265358).]

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 12

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Her young, nude tits =
The guy is turned on!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Maternity clothes =
Elastic - try them on!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Soldier

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2008:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The cleavage in T-shirts =
That is chest-revealing!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Rat bites in arms =
Transmit rabies.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The novel "Treasure Island" =
One sea adventure thrills!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2008:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The administration of George W. Bush =
No other ideas but "fighting some war"...

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Lead singer Kurt D. Cobain =
Rocker died in a gun blast.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Democrat Senator Barack H. Obama versus the Republican Senator John McCain =
So the American voters must hand a Bush job to a black charmer or an ancient creep.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2008:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The post-impressionist Gauguin =
Paint us something prestigious!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The missionary position ~
or: "I hope it is not in my ass!"

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A rustling of the wind =
It's a wonderful thing.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The actor Paul Newman is dead =
I saw a talented chap mourned.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Senator McCain, asked about Sarah Palin (who seldom travels outside the US) and about her foreign policy experience...=
The Republican candidate replied, "Oh, but my companion was elected as Governor of Alaska. Her house is next to Russia!"

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
George Bush =
"Bugger! Shoe!"

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2009:
Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former American president George Walker Bush =
Some supreme brain-lacking we'd rather forget here!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When icicles hang by the wall,
And Dick the shepherd blows his nail,
And Tom bears logs into the hall,
And milk comes frozen home in pail...
=
Some happen to be calm when cold,
Near still and mythic English lakes;
On hills amazing to behold,
Which Winter had robed in his flakes.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
It's a life worth living ~
if I win that girl's love!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft's Help and Support site =
Had pointless tips for computers.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
My Favorite Things (from The Sound of Music)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet LIV

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Octuplets' mother Nadya Denise Suleman =
Here's a complete nut I'd send to an asylum...

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The remains of Auschwitz Birkenau in Poland =
Here is the sad ruin of a known Nazi-built camp.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
What is 'quantitative easing', if not a license for our banks to print money? =
It is a notion so fantastic, that I prefer to answer by invoking Manuel: "Que?"

 

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2009:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A sensual dream, then ~
a man launders sheet.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The amateur vocalist Susan Boyle =
A matchless star alive on "Youtube".

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Whose accents are these?

1. "Burn da ganja, mon!"
2. "I ain't curin' HIS ass!"
3. "Oh, sod it! That's a smashing crumpet!"
4. "Nau I vill ruin zee movie!" =
1. Sting's 'Jamaican'
2. An Americanized Hugh Laurie in the TV show "House"
3. Madonna's 'British'
4. Steve Martin's Inspector Clouseau

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 86

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dryness in the vaginal area =
Has a granny tried Vaseline?

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Susan Boyle, "Britain's Got Talent" show =
Best singer on it but, alas, lost anyhow.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
Eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Obama presidency =
Both peace and misery?

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Superstar Beyonce =
Pure-ebony actress.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and you're ok.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.=
A poem by Obama

Oh, there once was that kindly Obama
Who was stuck in a debt-braving drama:
"I had yearned so for majesty,
Now I get a calamity!
George, you ghastly lad, thanks for THAT trauma!"

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
If love isn't here ~
then life is over.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Microsoft operating system Windows Seven =
Now comes this - some pretty, new design for Vista!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Twelve plant names are in the anagram (Elder, ash, hazel, aster, mango, melon, iris, pine, pea, sage, oat, lime). They are in green.]

"In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them." - Aldo Leopold
=

Elder in sunny Jordan

A shy haze looms above sandstone.
A stern man goads an old camel on.
I rise, I pine for peaceful time -
And sagely channel an oath sublime.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 24

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
USA's olympian Michael Fred Phelps =
Champ fesses up: "I'm really a dolphin".

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.'
=
Tree Food

When I'd Note That Each Rain
Shows Pale Root In New Gauds,
Some Utter Mirth My Eyes Regain
From Ash's Leafy Load.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 22

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." =
So? That is an opinion of an arrogant man unable to remember that a literary sequel can be a pile of trash - who exploited "Hitchhiker's Guide" in more inferior novels!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A lower-cut T-shirt =
Her tits crawl out.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Fourth "Indiana Jones" movie by Steven Spielberg =
I have a big problem, just one: Ford is seventy-nine!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The singer and musician Dolly Parton =
Country idol has endearing implants.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Royal Philharmonic Orchestra =
A short Chopin or a lyric Mahler?

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Actors who won trophies at this year's Emmys:
- Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
- Toni Collette, "United States of Tara"
- Glenn Close, "Damages" =
Top contenders from the "Least Tact" contest:
- Serena Williams
- Congress Guy Who Called Obama A Liar
Host: Kayne "Idiot" West

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Summer ends, and Autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night." - Hal Borland

=

A life now mute
amid a hush:
on valley mud,
where old leaves blush;
in wave's cold stare,
now dim and rough;
down in my heart,
that had enough.

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Childhood", by Michael Jackson

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
On Shakespeare

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Keats' "When I Have Fears That I May Cease To Be"

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A thick, erect penis =
I penetrate chicks!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Annual celebration of Thanksgiving Day =
Featuring a balloon advancing in the sky!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Former cities of East Berlin and West Berlin =
I notice most barriers fall between friends.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Eighteenth World Puzzle Championship in Antalya, Turkey =


 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The professional US golfer Tiger Woods =
A need for trollops?! This wife's gorgeous!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"In your opinion, what were the best three things that happened in the first decade of the millennium?" =
-"The Miracle on the Hudson".
-The writer Tina Fey imitating Palin.
-The end of president Bush; the new hope.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet for Christmas

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Director James Cameron =
Set major cinema record.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Haitian disaster =
I hear that aid is sent.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hosts Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien =
So, only one can earn this job.

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dear Ethan,

I read your letter in bed and my heart throbbed so hard it hurt! I adore you too, honey, but finishing the relationship was a mistake... I knew you'll come around and see that we are soul mates, though!
I felt so lost without you, Ethan. The flat I rented seemed so empty and cold and life seemed so hellish, but now I can simply move back in with you - so I'm ditching this place! I'm so happy I held on to your key, and I'm excited that I'll see my cute little Mittens soon... Give her a kiss from me.

I love you, my dear Ethan; You are the reason I still exist... And I certainly have to thank my sister for talking some sense into you! :)

Eternally Yours,
Jane

You wrote:

>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave
>you... I can't sleep
>or even eat, because
>I think you're quite
>amazing! I ask you to
>forget all about the
>past week and a half
>when I broke it off,
>and take this stupid
>knucklehead into your
>bed again. Please do!
>Thank god your sister
>made me realize that
>I was a total cretin
>when we were dating.
>We chatted at length
>and I have to agree,
>I think I'm in love!
>Do come back to me...
>
>Yours,
>Ethan

=

Hey Jane,

Look, you didn't read my previous e-mail right, okay? Seems half of it got truncated somehow. An ad must've blocked it. Here is the one that I sent you originally:

>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave my house key with
>you... I can't sleep in some nice motel
>or even eat, because my wallet's in there.
>I think you're quite senile. It's truly
>amazing! I ask you to return it, and you
>forget all about the damn thing like the
>past week and a half didn't happen. You see,
>when I broke it off, I meant it! Oh yeah,
>and take this stupid cat or I'll cram this
>knucklehead into your mailbox; it soiled my
>bed again. Please do. It's Satan's spawn!
>Thank god your sister took me in and also
>made me realize that I should've dated her!
>I was a total cretin not to notice her hints
>when we were dating. I made up for it now...
>We chatted at length after a night of sex,
>and I have to agree, she's WAY more bendy.
>I think I'm in love! You sure you're related?
>Do come back to me... about the key, that is.
>
>Yours,
>Ethan

P.S. Didn't I tell you this once before? You should really switch to a more reasonable e-mail service.

Ethan

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 64

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A field surgeon =
Dangerous life.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger Holds Press Conference =
Confess, regret, consider help.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger
Polar Bear
Pacific Walrus
Magellanic Penguin
Leatherback Turtle
Bluefin Tuna
Mountain Gorilla
Monarch Butterfly
Javan Rhinoceros
Giant Panda

=
Harm Flock In Fatal Pattern

Unappreciative
pertrubations
manufactured
challenging
biological
imbalance
bungling
natural
jewels
rarer
than
you
or
I
.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Short verse outlining Mount Etna in Virgil's Aeneid, Book III

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Dad, tell me how kids are born!" =
"Well, dear, dad boinks mother!"

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2010:
Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Michelangelo's art in the Sistine Chapel =
Masterpiece shall shine on that ceiling!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mary Shelley's Victor Frankenstein =
"I invent scary, freaky hell-monsters!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Snake

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Plug in arse =
Pleasuring!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dreaming about death ~
due to a bad nightmare.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Harry Potter series' final movies =
A hero inspires for the very last time.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Poland's president =
Plane's drop ends it.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"But Guy's heart slept under the violets on Muriel's grave." (from Edith Wharton's "April Showers")=

My Words

O, Sun - her glow,
A vital blush!
It moderates
The fervent rush;
Ergo, the lips
Return a sip.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Easter

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The females cast in a porn video ~
often have silicone-made parts.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The final episode of the serial drama "Lost" =
The desolate island is a metaphor for life.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The giant oil spill disaster =
Stop drilling! It ails the sea.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
France's emperor Napoleon I =
A person of real prominence.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Global company British Petroleum =
Scary pollution might be a problem!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Corporal Clegg had a medal too
In orange, red and blue
He found it in the zoo

Corporal Clegg received his medal in a dream
From her Majesty the Queen
His boots were very clean
(Pink Floyd) =

The New UK

Can leaders grudgingly
Adopt co-heirs?
My Farnham lad, heed me:
Each ally errs!
Regard: i do believe
One perfect point -
No team of zilch I.Q.
(Or meager valor, too)
Should be conjoined.


 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Italian crime boss =
A Sicilian mobster.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The environmental disaster =
Oil in streams that never end.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sun-filled New York =
Wonderful skyline!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Clear-eyed, we can understand that there will be war - and still strive for peace. (Obama, the US president)
=
We'd near a total Mideast peace pact when:

- Beavers learn to fly;
- Buddha's resurrected;
- It's winter in hell.

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
How Smart Are You?

1. You're participating in a race. You finally overtake the second person. What position are you in?

2. And if you just overtook the last person, then you are...?

3. Some very puzzling arithmetic! This must be calculated in your head only. Don't use a calculator or even paper and pencil for this.
Add 40 to 1000. Now add 1000. Add 30 more. Add 1000. Now add 20 more. Add another 1000. Add 10 more. What is the total?

4. Mary's father had five lovely daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono... What's the name of the fifth daughter?

5. A mute person goes into some shop to buy himself a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and manages to buy it.
Then a blind man comes into the shop and wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how would HE indicate what he wants?

Answers to the quiz:

1. If you answered that you're first, then you're absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU'RE in second place.

2. If you answered you're second to last, then you're WRONG again. How can you overtake the LAST person?!

3. Did you get 5000? It's not very accurate... The correct answer is actually 4100.

4. Did you Answer Nunu? No! Of course it's incorrect. Her name is Mary. Read this question again!

5. It's very simple, really: He opens his mouth and ask for it...

=

How Stupid Are You?

Choose an answer for each question, then add up the numbers to determine your stupidity level:

The capital of Greece is...

1. Dwindling.
2. Athens.
3. G.
4. "Saturday Night Fever" is a lot more fun.

What's the opposite of Apathy?

1. I don't care.
2. Interest.
3. Cherokee.
4. A-dead-end-y?

Who's known as the discoverer of America?

1. Neanderthals.
2. Christopher Columbus.
3. Americus Gazpacho.
4. Captain Crunch.

Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?

1. The man who invented this "joke", hopefully.
2. Ulysses S. Grant.
3. I need more information.
4. Which one of them?

Let's say I wed your cousin and I have a cousin too; then he is...

1. Not wanted on Thanksgiving.
2. My cousin-in-law's cousin.
3. A next of kin of sorts.
4. We can't both be married to my cousin!

Let's add up your points:

5-7: You possess a negative amount of stupidity. You're a constant smartass who has no energy to try this unneeded test. Go read Kafka or something.

8-12: You have zero stupidity and answered almost every question in the test correctly. Well done, you are duller than a fourth grade history teacher. You are the person that often tells everyone when 'whom' should be used.

13-19: You maintain a healthy amount of stupidity. You are a failure, fall down a lot and are a real hazard to yourself and to others. You are probably a pet psychic.

20: You are Sarah Palin.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Anne Bradstreet Poem, "The Author to her Book" (the first verses)

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A stimulated prick =
A lick made it spurt!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Really bad eyesight =
Barely see daylight!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Kubler-Ross model, also known as the five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.

=

Five stages of BP drilling:

1. Get bad rig
2. Wreck an ocean shore
3. Engineer half-assed solutions
4. Sack one man
5. Repeat.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
though all her parts be not in th' usual place,
she hath yet an anagram of a good face. =
Dashing, though has not
A partner or a pal -
Hence, a beau comes to
The half-faulty gal.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Octopus's Garden

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The sex-change operations =
"She" organ, except it's on a "he"!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Define the world in a thesis? =
Life is short and then we die.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa in the Louvre, Paris =
Oh, she's a true marvel in oil paint!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A collapsed mine =
One dismal place!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
National Geographic Magazine =
Going to an amazing place, I hear!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A highly ruthless remark of a lad to a lady in a very good film ('Gone With The Wind'): =
"Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?"
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors."
President Barack Obama =
The Future of Barack

When I became the president, Bush sure left for me:

 Five Oil rigs fishy,
 Four Bankers crazy,
Three Auto brands costly
  Two Mideast battles bloody
  And A busted economy!

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A few public flashes of wit we value, by some well-known people of a bygone era:

"A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes." (Mahatma Gandhi)

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

"There are no facts, only interpretations." (Friedrich Nietzsche)

"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest." (Mark Twain)

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." (Albert Einstein)

"France does not have friends, only interests." (General Charles de Gaulle)

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." (H.G. Wells)

=

And, sadly, here is this bunch of citations from the so-called stars of current times:

"YOU'RE A PAIN IN MY ASS!" (Mel Gibson to a former girlfriend)

"Walmart? Do they, like, sell walls there?" (Heiress Paris Hilton)

"Well, let's see. There's... of course, in the great history of America, there have been rulings." (Sarah Palin, the candidate for Vice President, can't think of Supreme Court decisions on CBS News)

"When you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler's plan." (Glenn Beck on Al Gore's campaign against global warming)

"German? I don't know what that means. We don't say that in America." (The teen idol Justin Bieber)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 30

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
We've something to tell the US president, Barack Obama =
We must leave the Mideast alone. Bring back the troops!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The messaging website Twitter =
It's the biggest new time-waster!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The two little misconceptions that some Americans may entertain about the tricky issue of a "Ground Zero Mosque"=
1. It's not the main Ground Zero site (it's a couple of blocks away);
2. That's not a mosque, either (it's a mere community center)!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
ary had a itte ab
Its feece as hite as sno.
And everyhere that ary ent
The ab as sure to go.
It fooed her to schoo one day
hich as against the rue.
It ade the chidren augh and pay
To see a ab at schoo.

=

Oh Barbara, she has a tot
That she has often fed;
He cannot even tie a shoe -
A catatonic head.
The guy's a dope, I do agree,
Yet it is sad to hear
A hearty country he debased
In eight atrocious years.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Human Seasons

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Universal Studios' movie trilogy "Back to the Future" =
Various time-travel troubles of this cute young kid.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A trapped Chilean miner's home at last? =
It means that real miracles do happen!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The anticipated political memoir "Decision Points" by George Walker Bush, the former president of the United States=
Yes, we consider the matter epic, but I find it surprising to see he scrapped the original title of that book, "Elmo And Me".

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"The anagram is one of the greatest follies of the human spirit; one must be foolish to enjoy them and worse than foolish to create them." (Quote by G.J. Hecart)
=
Anagram foe,
Refine that decorum!
Some jests of snobs
May bother the Forum.
A lot of the jewels here
Got high quality -
Notice the notion
At this honest plea!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A small sample from a coven's spell verses found in the play "MacBeth"

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Teen lad's first lay =
It ends really fast!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Leonardo da Vinci's 'The Last Supper' =
Depict all persons and the Saviour.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Adelie Penguin Colonies of Antarctica =
I plunge into cold sea in a nice feather coat.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Lion! Lion! Burning bright
In dark woods of scary night,
What immortal foot or hand
Could approach you and still stand?
=
Palin! Palin! Human stain!
Odd crook of no class nor brain!
Can't our only God, with might,
Rid that sad world of your blight?

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Thanksgiving Day

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
TSA deploys new airport body scanners =
Randy cops now peer into lady's breasts!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Premenstrual =
Lunar tempers.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
US president Obama's two years in office =
Enormous spirit of "Yes We Can" fades a bit.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2010:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Department of Homeland Security =
I'd protect the US from an enemy lad.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Male puberty entails:
- Hairiness issues
- First signs of acne
- Morning erections
- A changing voice
- Wishing they were old. =

Men's mid-life crisis contains:
- Loss of hair
- Weight gain
- Cheating on spouses
- Buying newer cars
- Reliving the teen years.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2010:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Right before Christmas eve, Santa noticed he had lost his 'Naughty or Nice' list. Would you please make a new one for him?"
=
Now, folks are much too naughty here,
So I'll provide that sad decree:
One nice man won his gift this year,
But he, alas, is me!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
'All Saints' by Christina G. Rossetti

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Horse's genitalia =
This is a large one!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"If you were given just one book to take for company on a desert island, what would you like this to be and why?"
=
I know! I would seek to take one widely overrated autobiography of Bush just to clean my fanny in the woods!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2011:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Fly in a hot air balloon
Witness a solar eclipse
Learn to juggle with three balls
Be an extra in a film
Visit a nudist beach
=
All I want are:

- A lovely bride
- An exciting job
- A tall house
- A cheerful infant
- Lasting bliss...

So I want the impossible, rather!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Eastern cougar =
Rare US cat gone.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"An earthquake achieves what the law promises but does not in practice maintain - the equality of all men" - Ignazio Silone =

Quite  a  loca  quiver  hit
Uniting   them    with   me;
Alas, one asset it may scar -
Kind people  in a zone afar,
Each  blown  into  the  sea.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Comfort

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Actions speak louder than words =
Talkers cannot aid; Doers show up.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2011:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Often-hummed songs such as "Do Re Mi" starred in ~
Rodgers and Hammerstein's 'The Sound of Music'.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2011:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Catherine Middleton =
I donned the lace-trim.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Every autobiography is concerned with two characters, a Don Quixote, the Ego, and a Sancho Panza, the Self." W. H. Auden.=
[A poem depicting Dr. Henry Jekyll and Mr. Hyde]

Harsh hate, flood in!
  How vast
Each change!
  You squat beneath,
Now crazed,
  Deranged;
Raw potion can
  Excite
Your spite.


 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Obama receives a huge ratings bounce in a recent poll, following the death of Osama bin Laden =
Problem is, he'd need to gun down the faithless Arab all over again to be safe in an upcoming election race!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!"
=
How would I whack a chieftain called Osama?
How would I mow a crappy idiot down?
I'll join a brave team inspired by Obama
To rub out a fool, then let his body drown!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The lubricated penis =
Bet it can slide up her!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2011:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
So, in the man's eyes, ~
"No" is "She meant yes"?

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2011:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Wagner's "Tristan und Isolde" =
Regal in its tunes and words.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US Representative Anthony D. Weiner =
Your penis? Never send her THAT in a tweet!

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where it was always June." (Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of the Island) =


Thaw

Below our moon -
A muddied ink.
That joyful wait
Renews my tune;
A vile age will
Dawn wretchedly
In Israel soon.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Huge motorcar to magnify one's penis? =
You are compensating for something.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A psychoanalyst using the Freudian method ~
can help you find out the things a dream says.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2011:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The third movie in the Transformer series =
It seems even more horrid than their first!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The late singer, Ms. Amy Jade Winehouse =
Some Jewish genius met an early death.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Caelica 86

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
What is penetration? =
A penis into her twat!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Obama, current leader of the United States =
Another term's fate is unclear due to a debt.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Commercial Boeing planes =
Nice cabins, ample leg-room.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde. =
One's reflection-love, I'm warned, can be a telling sign of foolish ego.

[An ambigram of the anagram text]
One's reflection-love, I'm warned, can be a telling sign of foolish ego.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The octogenarian =
"Got an erection?! Ha!"

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The television news broadcast =
I see basic world events on that.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2011:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The September Eleventh memorial in NY =
It mainly helps one remember the event.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Palace Theatre, NY =
Enact a play there.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Monsters that someone made up:

Hannibal Lecter
Norman Bates
Carrie
Damien
'Aliens'
Jason Voorhees
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

=

Modern creeps that are *real* monsters:

Charles Manson
Ted Bundy
Ayatollah Khomeini
Reverend Jim Jones
Osama bin Laden.

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2011:
Eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The top music artists of all time with more than two hundred million record sales worldwide (going by third-party sales figures and displayed in no particular order):

1. The Beatles
2. Madonna
3. Led Zeppelin
4. Elvis Presley
5. Abba
6. The Rolling Stones
7. Elton John
8. Queen
9. Celine Dion
10. Pink Floyd
11. Michael Jackson
12. Bee Gees
13. AC/DC
14. Mariah Carey

=

My crazy grandpa Joe rating these artists:

1. "Damn hippies!"
2. "Trollop."
3. "Your dad liked them once. Now he's deaf. Coincidence?"
4. "Hillbilly."
5. "Nordic swingers."
6. "Hopped up on reefers."
7. "Male dandy."
8. "More dandies!"
9. "We'll need to bomb Quebec for that."
10. "Gotta call it 'noise'."
11. "Is this an Asian girl?"
12. "No balls there."
13. "Trolls and junkies."
14. "Leave me her picture, will ya?"

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Fake orgasm's entire goal? =
Stroke a man's fragile ego!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Laughter is the best medicine =
In this bad time, glee's the cure.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Disney animated movie version of 'Snow White' =
I'm inside a home with seven tiny one-foot dwarves!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Libyan leader Gaddafi =
Failed Arab lying dead.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Women before going out:

- Wear dress.
- Find shoes that match it.
- Tease hair for hours.
- Change dress.
- Change shoes.
- Apply lipstick. =
Men getting ready:

- Fish a good shirt or socks out of a hamper and scrape the stains, where possible.
- Change clothes.
- Rush wife.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Since we are intelligent human beings living in the twenty first century ~
we must invent renewable things, recycling until that energy is infinite."

 

LONG CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A bunch of cinematic citations taken from AFI's list of the top one-hundred and presented in random order:

1. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
2. "We'll always have Paris."
3. "I see dead people."
4. "I am big! It's the pictures that got small."
5. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
6. "Stella! Stella!"
7. "E.T. phone home."
8. "You can't handle the truth!"
9. "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."
10. "Rosebud."
11. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."
12. "I'll have what she's having."
13. "Bond. James Bond."
14. "After all, tomorrow is another day!"
15. "I feel the need - the need for speed!"
16. "What we've got here is failure to communicate."
17. "If you build it, he will come."
18. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
19. "Show me the money!"
20. "Well, nobody's perfect."

=

The movies they are from, along with notes:

1. Bette Davis, "All About Eve".
2. Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca".
3. Whispered to Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense"
4. 'Norma Desmond', "Sunset Blvd."
5. From the Coppola feature film "Apocalypse Now".
6. A name shouted in "A Streetcar Named Desire".
7. A toy puppet says that to a boy in "E.T."
8. Screamed at Tom Cruise in "A Few Good Men".
9. Robin Williams, "Dead Poets Society".
10. Orson Welles, "Citizen Kane".
11. The mafia team motto in "The Godfather".
12. The line of a female diner in "When Harry Met Sally".
13. First uttered in "Dr. No".
14. Vivien Leigh, "Gone With the Wind".
15. 'Goose' and 'Maverick', "Top Gun".
16. The line of the abusive guy in "Cool Hand Luke".
17. The idea obeyed in "Field of Dreams".
18. 'Hannibal Lecter', "The Silence of the Lambs".
19. The famous "Jerry Maguire" catchphrase.
20. The last line of "Some Like It Hot".

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
His huge dong =
God, he is HUNG!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The moment I value more is very brief ~
but the memory is alive in me forever.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mankind's Evolution:

Eukaryotic cells
Vertebrates
Reptiles
Great Apes
Hominina Subtribe
Homo Sapiens
Modern Humans
=
Human Devolution:

Keats Odes
Albert Einstein
Top IBM Programmers
Boris Yeltsin
Techno Music
Keanu Reeves

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The 2003 First Place Winner of Technical Standards' Worst Manual Contest: "A Butchers Trolley":

ASSEMBLY PROCEDURE

1. Be tights part E with part I together by fitting M. Also can be installation handle part J in this side.

2. Be tights part D with part H together by fitting M. Like a step No. 1. And may be installation handle in this side too. Use corner fitting to be holds the Bottle rack.

3. To connects the both side legs with Back frame part G. Then ware Wire tray along the position itself and tighten each corner.

4. Assemble wood top with drawer divider. And bring part from Step No. 3 turn around to back of wood top (from picture) then tights wood top with housing and ware all casters to position. When this step finished turn around it again. Be CAREFUL top wood face!

5. Input the Drawers.

6. Test stranger & use on.

=

Proper instructions for assembling Ikea furniture:

1. Rip the PRODBLATT's package open. Notice that it's brown and that's the wrong effing color. Wonder if 'PRODBLATT' meant 'Ignore the client's words' in Sweden.

2. Remove the cheap parts, 132 plastic bolts and basic manual. Gawk at the nonsensical drawings.

3. As they instruct, fit the drawer in with that flattened bolt thingy and NOT with the pitchfork. Wait, what?

4. Cut digit on a sharp piece of plywood. Utter passionate obscenities. Dab digit with the manual to absorb the dripping blood. It won't help matters anyhow.

5. Grow madder. Decide to rely on instincts.

6. Congrats, the PRODBLATT Letter-Sorting Hutch 300 is finished! But alas, so are you, being carted off to the nearest rest-home and all. Just hope there are better solutions there for sorting mail.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The full lyrics of the song "Tears Dry On Their Own"

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A shared illusion ~
is all in our heads.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bad people rotting in hell =
e.g. Hitler, Pol Pot, Bin Laden.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2011:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Secret Vatican Archives of Holy See Acts =
Only chaste vicars have free access to it!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
What is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything?=
Author Adams feels he's quite intuitive when he invents the great line: "Forty two".

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 108

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2011:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Orgasmic pleasure =
Come up a girl's arse!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mad genius Dr. No =
Dangerous mind!

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The McDonalds Filet-O-Fish =
That fiendish smell of cod!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Simplified Commandments:

- One God.
- No idols.
- Honor His name, the Sabbath and your parents.
- Don't kill, cheat, steal, lie or covet.
=
Online Code:

- Honor all porn.
- Share LOLCats.
- Bid on dumb trash.
- See a mad video and comment on it.
- tyep somethign fast
- 'Like' this!!!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Poet's Calendar

GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The politician's career =
Practice lies on the air.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The winner of Best Picture, 'The Artist' =
French pair's tribute to the twenties.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The singer Adele =
A legend is there.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Library of the United States Congress =
Tedious labyrinth of strange secrets.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"If Planet Earth comes to an end on the morning of December twenty-first this year, what will you do the night before?"
=
I prefer to watch the ocean,
Where solemn gannets fly.
I'd feel that surf, their art in motion -
Then bid my town goodbye.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[William Shakespeare's sonnet pair that deals with the 4 elements (44-45) is anagrammed into 4 poems about the role each element plays in nature, with fitting acrostics.]

If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,
Injurious distance should not stop my way;
For then despite of space I would be brought,
From limits far remote where thou dost stay.
No matter then although my foot did stand
Upon the farthest earth removed from thee;
For nimble thought can jump both sea and land
As soon as think the place where he would be.
But ah! thought kills me that I am not thought,
To leap large lengths of miles when thou art gone,
But that so much of earth and water wrought
I must attend time's leisure with my moan,
Receiving nought by elements so slow
But heavy tears, badges of either's woe.

The other two, slight air and purging fire,
Are both with thee, wherever I abide;
The first my thought, the other my desire,
These present-absent with swift motion slide.
For when these quicker elements are gone
In tender embassy of love to thee,
My life, being made of four, with two alone
Sinks down to death, oppress'd with melancholy;
Until life's composition be recured
By those swift messengers return'd from thee,
Who even but now come back again, assured
Of thy fair health, recounting it to me:
This told, I joy; but then no longer glad,
I send them back again and straight grow sad.

=

The Four Forces

Ferocious flames! How hurtful, at their worst,
Incinerating forests in a flash,
Reducing with those mammoth, brutal bursts
Each tree into this barren pile of ash;
But often, fires of this major scope
Just judge the budding plant's attempt to cope -
And gift the strongest bulb that second hope.

As gloomy clouds go by like puffs of smoke,
I latch onto this muse they leave behind,
Remembering the moments they evoke,
The poignant thoughts which haunt my heavy mind.
But those become unravelled as I stare;
It's truly hard to grasp the When and Where -
For memories are fluent as the air.

When Nature had enough of summer strife
And bathes this meadow with a sweeping flood,
The most unhealthy weed might come to life,
Emerging in that puddle in the mud.
Rain can erode the mountain with its flow,
But tends to wash away the numbing woe -
Like wild weeds by the road, life needs to grow.

Eternal flame or cloud or stormy gloom
Are but null things to those within the earth;
Roots won't depart the quiet of her womb -
They've been below that gorgeous ground from birth.
How good it feels, in these embattled days,
To know that even when the sky is gray,
There is one solid thing that's here to stay.

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
That famous scene in Basic Instinct =
Fans can see a bitch's moist cunt in it!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Nesting goose =
Sits on one egg.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dali's 'The Persistence of Memory' =
His masterpiece of modern style.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Nuclear Iranis ~
can ruin Israel.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abstainer. A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
=
A tweeter: Typing a million and a half dumb posts in a week to say he has no free time.

 

LONG CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
World's Greatest Drawings

18. The Parnassus
17. Two Sisters (On The Terrace)
16. Adam and Eve
15. Les Demoiselles d'Avignon
14. Starry Night Over the Rhone
13. Allegory of Age Governed by Prudence
12. Burning of the Houses of Parliament
11. The Crucifixion of Saint Peter
10. Diana and Callisto
9. House of Stairs
8. Massacre at Chios
7. Impression, Sunrise
6. Slave Market with the Disappearing Bust of Voltaire
5. Girl With A Pearl Earring
4. Dull Gret (Mad Meg)
3. Night Watch
2. Sistine Chapel Murals
1. Mona Lisa

=

18. Raphael's homage to the poet
17. Renoir's vivid portrait
16. Durer's tale of sin
15. Picasso's astute art twist
14. Van Gogh's nature image
13. Titian's three-headed human
12. Turner's raw fire
11. Caravaggio's essential work
10. Rubens' giant women
9. Escher's visual dementia
8. Delacroix's sad figures
7. Monet's French dawn
6. Dali's optical illusion
5. Vermeer's pretty lass
4. Bruegel's hellish anarchy
3. Rembrandt's play of light and shadow
2. Michelangelo's offering to the pope
1. Leonardo's enigmatic grin.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[March marks the spring migration of some birds from Africa to Europe. Below, the poem Wild Pigeon is anagrammed into 4 poems following the imaginary route of such a bird.]

Wild Pigeon
Isaac McLellan

The Autumn day is fleck'd with gold,
As slow the twilight sun declines;
The western cloud's encrimson'd fold
With a surpassing beauty shines;
And as the deep'ning shadows creep
Athwart the glimmering landscape's breast,
And o'er the purpling mountains sweep,
The drowsy breezes sink to rest.
The roe buck to his dingle goes,
Where thick the wood its covert throws;
The red stag that had paus'd to drink
Beside the rivulet's plashy brink,
Exhausted flings his dappled side
Along the clear, pellucid tide.
'Tis then the pigeons seek the wood
To roost, a swarming multitude.

Deep in Wisconsin wilderness,
Or forests vast of Michigan,
The bending boughs their bosoms press,
The air their clanging pinions fan.
So great their numbers, hunters say
They bend the bough and break the spray,
And when their frighten'd myriads rise,
'Tis like the thunder of the skies.

Years since in forests of the East
They gather'd to the harvest feast;
They swarm'd by river and by shore,
In vast flocks flew the pastures o'er;
They swept innumerable the plain,
Gleaning the corn-seed and the grain;
Then, winging to some grove their flight,
Sought roosting-places for the night.

When emigration to the West
In eager emulation press'd,
And axe and plough and farmer's toil
Open'd the treasures of new soil;
And million acres of the wheat
Ripen'd in summer's fervid heat,
And bearded rye and yellow corn
Shook their bright tresses in the morn;
Then to those fields and pastures new
These emigrants on pinions flew.

When June with rose-red cheeks aglow
O'er banks wild strawberries doth strew;
When August on the sunny hills
With sweets the luscious blueberry fills,
And o'er the heated pasture pours
The blackberries in honey'd stores,
And ripens on the swinging vine
The grapes, like amethysts that shine--
Then to this ripe, abundant fare,
So sweet, the pigeon-flocks repair,
Sharing the never-cloying feast
Our Maker offers to the guest.

=

Spring Passage of the Turtle Doves

The Temple Mount in Jerusalem, Israel

The highbrowed crowds increasing by the hour
Go by the hundreds to that shrine and gem,
Drawn to the Western Wall's enduring power -
For its sound spell expels the dread in them.
Blessed wishes fill the sky, each word afloat
Where sadness underlines awe-filled devotion;
The trusting monologues within the note
Are means to draft this hidden Hebrew notion:
The anguished theists ask, with bated breath,
If He represses sickness... even death.

Central Athens, Greece

The Zappeion and hallowed Parthenon
Are perfect for a humbled delegation -
The buses keep arriving by the ton,
Amassing as one epic winged migration;
It goes amiss as seasons shift all year
In towns where idle warmth is downright rare,
But yours, O Greece, persists so purely here,
For Athens' gift is sunshine everywhere.
Greek goddesses sit passively, in grace,
To greet the masses praising their rich place.

Cathedral in the town of Assisi, Italy

The town might not be highly known, and yet
The wisest people with a bent for art
Cross lakes and walk with the intent to get
To chaste Assisi's striking depth and heart;
The brushwork of the splendid Giotto there
Intrigues with patterns filled with veneration
And wakes the artists' sudden need of flair -
The naves' mere lushness might prompt more creation.
Above these treats, the sky won't dare to frown;
Like nobles, it shall nurture that prime town.

Luxembourg Gardens in Paris, France

The happy cuddle on one wooden bench
By fetching ponds should often yield romance;
The dusks are sluggish, while the doting French
Press on, subsiding as they end their dance.
Friends cross the paths adorned with cheerful growth
And grasp the fountain's beauty there, in twilight;
Nearby, succumbing to its hold on both,
The lovers' murmurs spur some winning highlight.
Unbroken kisses spark so suddenly
If they are kisses in this garden glee.

The twist: When all of the S's are highlighted in the poem bodies, they depict the protagonist...

The highbrowed crowds increasing by the hour
Go by the hundreds to that shrine and gem,
Drawn to the Western Wall's enduring power -
For its sound spell expels the dread in them.
Blessed wishes fill the sky, each word afloat
Where sadness underlines awe-filled devotion;
The trusting monologues within the note
Are means to draft this hidden Hebrew notion:
The anguished theists ask, with bated breath,
If He represses sickness... even death.

The Zappeion and hallowed Parthenon
Are perfect for a humbled delegation -
The buses keep arriving by the ton,
Amassing as one epic winged migration;
It goes amiss as seasons shift all year
In towns where idle warmth is downright rare,
But yours, O Greece, persists so purely here,
For Athens' gift is sunshine everywhere.
Greek goddesses sit passively, in grace,
To greet the masses praising their rich place.

The town might not be highly known, and yet
The wisest people with a bent for art
Cross lakes and walk with the intent to get
To chaste Assisi's striking depth and heart;
The brushwork of the splendid Giotto there
Intrigues with patterns filled with veneration
And wakes the artists' sudden need of flair -
The naves' mere lushness might prompt more creation.
Above these treats, the sky won't dare to frown;
Like nobles, it shall nurture that prime town.

The happy cuddle on one wooden bench
By fetching ponds should often yield romance;
The dusks are sluggish while the doting French
Press on, subsiding, as they end their dance.
Friends cross the paths adorned with cheerful growth
And grasp the fountain's beauty there, in twilight;
Nearby, succumbing to its hold on both,
The lovers' murmurs spur some winning highlight.
Unbroken kisses spark so suddenly
If they are kisses in this garden glee.


...in motion:




RUDE CATEGORY, March 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A dildo serviced ~
divorced ladies.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Titanic theme song 'My Heart Will Go On' =
I cry a gallon when I get to this moment!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
North Koreans failed to launch a test missile =
So the leader can't nuke millions... so far, that is.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Catherine Middleton =
Thin, delicate, modern.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
[Here are 2 short poems about Fall and Spring, anagrammed into each other:]

Tree in the Fall

Great plants in leafy suits galore
Shed all, surprised by nasty rain;
November wind's ecstatic roar
Shall be its ode to Fall again.

=

A Lost April

A live ballet of roasting rays
Established April's yellow flare;
Nights, ending faster, turn to days
And cleaner scents imbue the air.

[As an extra twist, I've also *ambigrammed* these poems into each other, which means that one turns into the other if turned upside down. As opposed to previous Ambi-Anagrams, I'm attaching the original sketches as I'm just useless with PC drawing tools... I hope you can see them alright:]



RUDE CATEGORY, April 2012:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A french kiss is something cute, but ~
fucking in the ass is so much better!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with: Darwin's evolutionary 'On the Origin of Species' =
It proved how our "Genesis" is one fictional yarn.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Williams sisters, Serena and Venus =
Ladies must share several tennis wins.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
McDonald's 'Healthy Eating Options'? =
They all had a "STOP! DON'T COME IN!" sign. ;)

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:

God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen
God save the Queen
Send her victorious
Happy and glorious
Long to reign over us
God save the Queen
=
Get up, dude, sing along -
It gave us no dull songs,
So I love 'Queen'!
Hunched Roger on the snare,
Group voices, groovy hair...
Vote 'Queen' or be a square!
I do love 'Queen'!

 

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Patient's catheter =
Scatter pee in that.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Aesop's fable 'The Tortoise and the Hare' =
A pedestrian hero beat the fool's haste.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Because I could not stop for Death -
He kindly stopped for me -
The Carriage held but just Ourselves -
And Immortality."
=
"I tried to jump but I gave up,
For old hearts can't be spared;
This End to Life could not shock me -
My soul's already there."

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
10. "A Better Amercia" (A Mitt Romney iPhone App invents a place where dumb governors preside)

9. "Best Wishes Suzanne
Under Neat that
We will Miss you." (A message on a Wal-Mart cake adds the client's directions, free of charge)

8. "Thou shalt commit adultery." (The bible known as The Wicked Bible or The Bill Clinton Bible neglects to add a pretty important word)

7. "I tugged on the gown and sleeves I'd discarded like a wonton..." (A character is either loose or really hates Chinese food in Karen Harper's novel The Queen's Governess)

6. "The Lyndon B. Johnson School of Pubic Affairs" (A program from the University of Texas confuses LBJ with JFK)

=

5. "Freshly ground black people" (A major accident in the book The Pasta Bible incorrectly suggests one peculiar spice)

4. "Arab States Urge UN To Condom Israel" (Iranian TV awkwardly worries about some kinky invasion)

3. "FDR In Bed With Coed" (Roosevelt wished he wasn't just having a cold after reading The Washington Post)

2. "Report: Obama Bin Laden Dead" (The quite enthused FOX News banner wishes for the demise of its only nemesis)

1. "His comments followed claims that the Prince has been secretly Mrs. Parker-Bowles for more than a decade" (The London Evening Gazette finally reveals the horrible truth of the majestic couple.)

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[Alan Gould's 'Fifteen Statements in a Card Game' is anagrammed into four 13-line poems which imitate a 52-card deck: They each discuss a different card suit and its relation to a desired quality in poker, and also display each relevant suit visually when the letters S, U, I & T are highlighted in the poem bodies:]

You have been at this table several weeks.
And now you stare at cards that are no good.
The girl who stands behind you seldom speaks.
You would impress her if you only could.
There are no trumps, and someone lays the ace.
The girl has put her hand upon your cheek.
A scowl has passed across your partner's face.
You long for some result, some swift technique.
It scarcely matters if you win or lose.
The card you'll lay now is the vital one.
The girl will indicate which one to choose.
If it's the joker then the game is won.
You've never had the joker in your hand.
You'll win and lose, and die here. This was planned.

=

Why Lucky Charms Are Desirable

Bright planners shan't need Voodoo to take over -
They'll plot so as to yield a quick advance,
While heinous loons who'd need the four-leaf clover
Decide to wish, just hoping for that chance.
Your crooked shams have helped you win the game;
They are as sure as sin in Hollywood,
Yet luck's rich powers, random in their aim,
Would ease or end the strain, or heal the mood...
The gruesome burden must not weigh on you -
The contest is suspenseful anyway;
Rejoice, as seasons soar and flee anew,
That Fortune is so gentle while you play -
Unearthly twists still can repair your day.

=

The Players' Inner Diamonds

The jewel that players soon know very well
Reveals some qualities which seem to clash:
Clearer than usual, yet dense as hell;
So frail - but just too hard to chink or slash.
And when you're cursed with cards that aren't appealing,
Or when you're issued hands too good to throw,
Resist your normal urge to then show feelings;
Be harsh but playful like a diamond's glow.
So when a Full House somehow is received,
Spoil not your guise and keep a stony face -
They'd eat you up if they're not soon deceived;
No, only as you hide each risky trace
May it convince the room - and win the race.

=

Wisdom of the Heart

Yes, card sharps won't emote - yet secret layers
Could often show you needs, sweet joy or lack:
The bruising, livid look of doleful players
Or evil, shining smiles when they have Jacks.
The hidden hints, like arrows on the road,
Can guide your actions, even through these parts;
The brain could mine each flaw and note each code -
Yet nothing's quite as useful as your heart.
One man with primal depth would never lose
As he can intuit and read one's soul,
And see a timid glance or other clues.
Your heart will show you those who play a role;
As your opponent's breaks, yours may stay whole.

=

One Tool That We Must Surely Carry

Your luck, too scarce when in one harsher session,
Solves just the hurdle which is hardly major;
And edgy traits, like hawk-eyed self-possession,
Shall not upset one shrewd, much quicker wager.
No, in this hostile game, you have one aid:
A crafty lie, a trap dug deep and wide,
So hatch yours with one scummy hoe or spade,
And throw your loathsome rival deep inside.
Don't cheat too often, as your cunning foe
May get that at the end - and leave alone;
A purely stationary heap below
Will constitute of one sheer loser's bones
Which, if you're skilled, shall never be your own.

[The 4 x 13-line poems imitate a 52 card deck; each of them not only discusses a different card suit - but also displays it visually when the letters S, U, I & T are highlighted in the poem bodies, respectively:]

Why Lucky Charms Are Desirable


Bright planners shan't need Voodoo to take over -
They'll plot so as to yield a quick advance,
While heinous loons who'd need the four-leaf clover
Decide to wish, just hoping for that chance.
Your crooked shams have helped you win the game;
They are as sure as sin in Hollywood,
Yet luck's rich powers, random in their aim,
Would ease or end the strain, or heal the mood...
The gruesome burden must not weigh on you -
The contest is suspenseful anyway;
Rejoice, as seasons soar and flee anew,
That Fortune is so gentle while you play -
Unearthly twists still can repair your day.


=


The Players' Inner Diamonds


The jewel that players soon know very well
Reveals some qualities which seem to clash:
Clearer than usual, yet dense as hell;
So frail - but just too hard to chink or slash.
And when you're cursed with cards that aren't appealing,
Or when you're issued hands too good to throw,
Resist your normal urge to then show feelings;
Be harsh but playful like a diamond's glow.
So when a Full House somehow is received,
Spoil not your guise and keep a stony face -
They'd eat you up if they're not soon deceived;
No, only as you hide each risky trace
May it convince the room - and win the race.


=


Wisdom of the Heart


Yes, card sharps won't emote - yet secret layers
Could often show you needs, sweet joy or lack:
The bruising, livid look of doleful players
Or evil, shining smiles when they have Jacks.
The hidden hints, like arrows on the road,
Can guide your actions, even through these parts;
The brain could mine each flaw and note each code -
Yet nothing's quite as useful as your heart.
One man with primal depth would never lose
As he can intuit and read one's soul,
And see a timid glance or other clues.
Your heart will show you those who play a role;
As your opponent's breaks, yours may stay whole.


=


One Tool That We Must Surely Carry


Your luck, too scarce when in one harsher session,
Solves just the hurdle which is hardly major;
And edgy traits, like hawk-eyed self-possession,
Shall not upset one shrewd, much quicker wager.
No, in this hostile game, you have one aid:
A crafty lie, a trap dug deep and wide,
So hatch yours with one scummy hoe or spade,
And throw your loathsome rival deep inside.
Don't cheat too often, as your cunning foe
May get that at the end - and leave alone;
A purely stationary heap below
Will constitute of one sheer loser's bones
Which, if you're skilled, shall never be your own.



RUDE CATEGORY, June 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"As I dutifully sit, broken hearted, ~
I'd sure like a shit - but only farted!"

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Fatalities in our theaters =
That is no feature. It is real.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Women say:
"This boss, I fear he's genuinely against me. I can't work another year! What do you think?"

But they mean:
"Tell me I'm great."
=
Men say:
"That's OK, sweetheart."

But they mean:
"Um, look, I'm barely listening right now. There is a game on and your face is in the way."

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"God has seen your tears and heard your prayers. Do not grieve. The Little One will not die. Do not allow the doctors to bother him too much."
=
Oh, you have got to locate:
* Moldy yew
* Boar's leg (old or dried)
* Rodent urine (not sweat!)
* Iron Nitrate
* Horned Io Moths
That secret should help.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
[Shakespeare's star-themed sonnet anagrammed into a poetic model of the solar system, which is also illustruated.]

Sonnet Number Fourteen
Written by William Shakespeare

Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck;
And yet methinks I have Astronomy,
But not to tell of good or evil luck,
Of plagues, of dearths, or seasons' quality;
Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell,
Pointing to each his thunder, rain and wind,
Or say with princes if it shall go well
By oft predict that I in heaven find:
But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive,
And, constant stars, in them I read such art
As truth and beauty shall together thrive,
If from thyself, to store thou wouldst convert;
Or else of thee this I prognosticate:
Thy end is truth's and beauty's doom and date.

SUN

That fervent orb,
It lit the day -
It is the source
Of morning rays.

MERCURY

The messenger
That tailed the sun
Obeyed her call -
Her will be done.

VENUS

That cuter nymph
Of lust and love
Intends to flirt
And wink above.

EARTH

A shoddy rock
And home to Man -
The cryptic twist
To God's old plan.

MARS

The crimson star
Unfit for life,
For it will be
A risky strife.

JUPITER

The most divine
Of Roman Lords,
It weighs a lot -
Too large for words.

SATURN

The Lord of Time,
Of Then and Soon,
It is confined
By many moons.

URANUS

It ruled the sky
As Gaia's son,
Yet now it is
The butt of puns.

NEPTUNE

The planet dyed
A quiet blue;
The Ocean King
Gave it that hue.

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The sprinter Usain Bolt =
His plan is to run better.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Instagram application for iPhones =
A place for maintaining hipster photos.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Good girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go everywhere." - the late Helen Gurley Brown, international editor of Cosmopolitan.
="Retain*a*tone:
 That
*rosy*giggle...
 Not
*edgy*banter,
 Then
*a*wiggle!"

"No,
*be*no*fool!
 Lord
*-*I*implore!
 Heroic
*lovers
 Valued
*whores!"

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:[As a tribute to the London Olympics that started in July, Amy Levy's poem 'London in July' is anagrammed into 5 poems about 5 of the most decorated Olympic athletes of all time, each from a different sport and continent (and as a point of interest, each poem also uses a different animal metaphor).
As an extra twist, The anagrams also contain a visual Olympic tribute, detailed below.]

London in July by Amy Levy

What ails my senses thus to cheat?
What is it ails the place,
That all the people in the street
Should wear one woman's face?

The London trees are dusty-brown
Beneath the summer sky;
My love, she dwells in London town,
Nor leaves it in July.

O various and intricate maze,
Wide waste of square and street;
Where, missing through unnumbered days,
We twain at last may meet!

And who cries out on crowd and mart?
Who prates of stream and sea?
The summer in the city's heart -
That is enough for me.

=

Australia: Swimmer Ian Thorpe

What winning strokes and awesome thrusts!
The crowd that gazes at the pool
Enjoys your flawless moves, I trust:
Olympic myths are valid jewels.
Dynamic rhythm, now enhanced
By smoothly-running aqua-limbs,
May hand you one insane advance:
Today, you'd rule the wildest swims.
We tend to hear old fantasies
Of 'dolphin men' that seem untrue,
Of men that tour the Seven Seas,
Or tried to tame the ocean-blue -
But when we see this water trail,
We learn these are not children's tales.

=

Europe: Beam champion Nadia Comaneci

That lucent wonder, quick and small,
She'd stun the world at just fourteen
And show us all in Montreal
The most mature routine we've seen.
With twirls and cartwheels done with ease,
That sunny gymnast came to win;
Alert, yet airy as a breeze,
She may be truly blessed within.
The joy of her young art invites
A drowsy memory most fond,
With shiny, yellow summer light
And swans that are in love on ponds:
The sweetest one that floated there
Had poise as marvelous as hers.

=

America: Runner Carl Lewis

No man will thwart the Jaguar's will
Whenever he devotes that might
To win the prey by sitting still,
Quite soundly, ready for that bite.
Those sweaty arms may not seem sound,
Those steady jaws may not seem mean;
The aches may bud, yet he is bound
To sit here anyway, unseen.
The mind's so razor-sharp and deep
That when those moments come at last,
Our virile cat would make that leap
No soul would flee, however fast...
And when their race is run and done,
All 'winners' must consist of one.

=

Africa: Marathoner Haile Gebrselassie

He'd run upwind just after dawn
Across green miles to come to class -
It's how he would attain the brawn,
But never ever too much mass.
So now, the solid swifter man
Remains quite sinewy, yet lean;
That wiz - as only his type can -
Breathes smoothly, totally serene.
He'd wend his way and play it smart,
And, on one mostly steady trend,
That runner who stays young at heart
Would have momentum in the end:
Just like wild antelopes must roam,
He'd view the course, then feel at home.

=

Asia: Diver Guo Jingjing

Our mannered woman won the prize
With water stunts quite smooth and clear
That multiplied before my eyes -
The most unreal display that year.
She'd match one osprey's levity,
As someone that surveys the sky:
That shrewd and scrawny entity
That I can seldom see fly by;
When Autumn's sun would wane near me -
That warm scene in those mellow tones -
One bird would fall into the sea
To snare some wealth of trouts, alone...
But medals are her wealth instead -
With China's crimson overhead.
=

These poems also employ different colors to depict each athlete. This is no coincidence: When these colors are applied to the Y's in each poem in a monospaced font, 5 strategically-placed rings appear:

Australia: Swimmer Ian Thorpe

What winning strokes and awesome thrusts!
The crowd that gazes at the pool
Enjoys your flawless moves, I trust:
Olympic myths are valid jewels.
Dynamic rhythm, now enhanced
By smoothly-running aqua-limbs,
May hand you one insane advance:
Today, you'd rule the wildest swims.
We tend to hear old fantasies
Of 'dolphin men' that seem untrue,
Of men that tour the Seven Seas,
Or tried to tame the ocean-blue -
But when we see this water trail,
We learn these are not children's tales.

=

Europe: Beam champion Nadia Comaneci

That lucent wonder, quick and small,
She'd stun the world at just fourteen
And show us all in Montreal
The most mature routine we've seen.
With twirls and cartwheels done with ease,
That sunny gymnast came to win;
Alert, yet airy as a breeze,
She may be truly blessed within.
The joy of her young art invites
A drowsy memory most fond,
With shiny, yellow summer light
And swans that are in love on ponds:
The sweetest one that floated there
Had poise as marvelous as hers.

=

America: Runner Carl Lewis

No man will thwart the Jaguar's will
Whenever he devotes that might
To win the prey by sitting still,
Quite soundly, ready for that bite.
Those sweaty arms may not seem sound,
Those steady jaws may not seem mean;
The aches may bud, yet he is bound
To sit here anyway, unseen.
The mind's so razor-sharp and deep
That when those moments come at last,
Our virile cat would make that leap
No soul would flee, however fast...
And when their race is run and done,
All 'winners' must consist of one.

=

Africa: Marathoner Haile Gebrselassie

He'd run upwind just after dawn
Across green miles to come to class -
It's how he would attain the brawn,
But never ever too much mass.
So now, the solid swifter man
Remains quite sinewy, yet lean;
That wiz - as only his type can -
Breathes smoothly, totally serene.
He'd wend his way and play it smart,
And, on one mostly steady trend,
That runner who stays young at heart
Would have momentum in the end:
Just like wild antelopes must roam,
He'd view the course, then feel at home.

=

Asia: Diver Guo Jingjing

Our mannered woman won the prize
With water stunts quite smooth and clear
That multiplied before my eyes -
The most unreal display that year.
She'd match one osprey's levity,
As someone that surveys the sky:
That shrewd and scrawny entity
That I can seldom see fly by;
When Autumn's sun would wane near me -
That warm scene in those mellow tones -
One bird would fall into the sea
To snare some wealth of trouts, alone...
But medals are her wealth instead -
With China's crimson overhead.


And when the poems are superimposed, they form this:



RUDE CATEGORY, August 2012:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
One sad sentiment that a lad might not be happy to hear: ~
"That DOESN'T happen to many other men. That IS a big deal."

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A discount department store chain =
Rotten products made in East China.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The pictures of duchess Kate Middleton =
Did France disclose them to upset the UK?

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The group Spice Girls in their good old days:
- Sporty
- Posh
- Baby
- Scary
- Ginger
=
The Spice Girls today:
- Sloppy
- Bony
- Pre-Geriatric
- A Gross Body
- High On Drugs.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"There are some things that are so serious you have to laugh at them." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist.
=
Islam is never hilarious, though. One cheap shot at their history, and there goes that US embassy.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[Last year, during the 10th anniversary of the 9\11 attacks at the newly completed memorial site in NYC, one of the poems recited at the ceremony was "Turn Again To Life". Below is a poetic anagram of it inspired by a Biblical quote; the anagram also contains a visual tribute.]


Turn Again To Life, written by Mary Lee Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigil by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake - turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

=

No vehemence may bug me once I'd look
In one key omen in a holy book:
"Here, in the fray, the rise of my fair men
Upon that day may toughen David's den."
It's why I won't recede - I will not break,
But, still reluctant, shall repel one ache -
The firestorm and the despair it left -
To purge the grieving of its damning heft.
Shine, fallen ones that Armageddon's roar
Undid in hours 'neath the walls it tore.


[For the 11th anniversary of 9\11, the anagram contains a visualization of the Twin Towers - and the number 11 - if one highlights the Biblical quote that inspired it, "In that day I will restore the fallen house of David. I will repair its damaged walls":]

No vehemence may bug me once I'd look
In one key omen in a holy book:
"Here, in the fray, the rise of my fair men
Upon that day may toughen David's den."
It's why I won't recede - I will not break,
But, still reluctant, shall repel one ache -
The firestorm and the despair it left -
To purge the grieving of its damning heft.
Shine, fallen ones that Armageddon's roar
Undid in hours 'neath the walls it tore.

[The quote is from Amos 9:11, a passage named "A Promise of Restoration".]

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The anti-impotence drugs =
Get this damn erection up!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pirate costume for a Halloween party =
A parrot or eyepatch will often amuse!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking =
Pleasant icon types with his right cheek.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2012:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Apple chain of retail stores =
A place for their latest iPhones.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The first edition of the Voyageur Press publication "How to Shovel Manure" by Gwen Petersen
=
We're supposed to believe that the useful hit is in fact NOT governor Romney's new biography?

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Once and for all, can you give me an educated answer to the question - what comes first, the chicken or the egg?"
=

The egg.
Whatever a
hen's made out
of was not normal
chicken DNA quite
yet, according
to the rules
of science.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with: Spirits of the Dead
A poem by Edgar Allan Poe

Thy soul shall find itself alone
Mid dark thoughts of the grey tombstone -
Not one of all the crowd to pry
Into thine hour of secrecy:

Be silent in that solitude
Which is not loneliness - for then
The spirits of the dead who stood
In life before thee are again
In death around thee - and their will
Shall then overshadow thee: be still

For the night - tho clear - shall frown
And the stars shall look not down
From their high thrones in the Heaven
With light like Hope to mortals given -
But their red orbs without beam
To thy weariness shall seem
As a burning and a fever
Which would cling to thee for ever:

Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish -
Now are visions neer to vanish -
From thy spirit shall they pass
No more - like dew-drop from the grass:

The breeze - the breath of God - is still
And the mist upon the hill
Shadowy - shadowy - yet unbroken
Is a symbol and a token -
How it hangs upon the trees
A mystery of mysteries!

=

The Horrors of Halloween

How truly happy are those boys and girls
That all receive bright mints in spooky shapes
Or zany lollipops with rainbow swirls
To hold or eat in hokey hats or capes
Yes it is fun to do that to forget
But I am hapless as a half-believer -
Yet in a fashion I do not regret
For all that feel the bitter truth will shiver
That shadow on those homes then overwhelms -
Death tensely keeps its hold on those limp minds
For an indifferent tone spreads through that realm
As each forgetful fool in there turns blind
And that inhuman hush I felt each night
Amid the shadows and on filthy streets
It might foretell a raw and sober fright
When Id encounter some vile ghosts in sheets:
The shy distinguished harbingers of sorrow
They look attentively then scheme to end
The human infestation in their borough
With moody Halloween around the bend
A darkness overtook this hollow globe
And when we choose to yield well be enrobed



[In the spirit of the holiday the anagram really is haunted by a ghost No need to highlight any letters though if youre not seeing it just yet simply squint hard (or unfocus your eyes and stare at the word hapless for a few seconds)]

Happy Halloween!

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
She shouted at me and tried to fight me... =
That dreaded time of the month, I guess!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Monet's series of Water Lily drawings =
My art is sweet garden flowers, in oils.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Barack Obama is re-elected =
Back to be America's leader.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Scottish thespian Sean Thomas Connery =
"Some say I sport that accent... Nonshinshe!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American elections =
I see no real chance, Mitt!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2012:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Five of the species that face extinction:
1. Luristan newts
2. Pygmy sloths
3. Liben larks
4. Edwards's pheasants
5. Sumatran rhinos.
=
Five species that truly SHOULD be extinct:
1. Spammers
2. Phonies
3. Wrestling fans
4. Kardashian fans
5. Reality show contestants.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2012:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson
=
"Not coke." Whitney Houston
"So forget that." Amy Winehouse
"Overrated." Truman Capote
"Very bad." Elvis
"Cool!" Lindsay Lohan

 

LONG CATEGORY, November 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
ARE YOU A REDNECK?

Name two words in the English language that start with the letters "Dw".

1. Dwell and dwindle.
2. Dwarf and dwarves.
3. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Dwight Yoakam.

Why can't a man living in the United States be buried in Canada?

1. Because he is alive.
2. Because of the bear problem.
3. Because of Obama.

Farmer Mike Wood has 33 teeth. When he visits the dentist, all but 15 are pulled out. How many are left?

1. 15.
2. 18.
3. What is a dentist?

Is it illegal for someone to marry his own widow in Mississippi?

1. It's a moot point; If this certain someone's wife is a widow, he is obviously dead.
2. Not in theory, but the paperwork's a bitch.
3. It's not illegal to marry any relative in Mississippi. Unless you're gay.

How many animals of each sex did Moses load into the ark?

1. You're thinking of Noah.
2. 31 million of them... No, wait, 2?
3. I spaced out after "animals" and "sex".

Your Score:

Mostly 1? Congrats! You answered every question correctly... in a quiz designed for children. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Mostly 2? You are less of a redneck and more of a common dweeb. Which is the word you forgot in the first question.

Mostly 3? Your neck is definitely redder than a Tea Partier's. You have 5 banjos and a kazoo, eat termites, know at least 3 people called Jeb and are on the road to becoming the 2016 Republican running mate.

=

ARE YOU A SNOB?

"Mint" is...

1. Collectibles in fine condition.
2. A kind of sweet.
3. My favorite stripper.

Do you watch Mad Men?

1. That's the only show I'm willing to watch.
2. Yes, when I'm out of Ambien.
3. I'd even prefer reading Miley Cyrus tweets, frankly.

So what did you think of episode 15 in season 3?

1. A skilled example of all the existential angst in that acclaimed classic.
2. Um, I think my DVR deleted it.
3. Wikipedia says there is no episode 15 in season 3.

How much do you tip a bathroom attendant?

1. Add the number of specks on the bowl and divide by 80.
2. Not sure, I'm always embarrassed.
3. Good question. How much do you tip your dad?

A supermarket is...

1. A Petri dish for social diseases.
2. A place with great bargains.
3. Where I work.

And heirloom tomatoes are...

1. A must for a Sauce Vierge.
2. A lousy inheritance?
3. Half off tomorrow, so swing by!

What's the difference between Evian and generic bottled water?

1. One's for humans, the other's for radiators.
2. About 6 dollars.
3. A cleaner garden hose.

Your score:

Mostly 1? Well, there's a fine line between a snob and a jerk, and you just spilled some Pinot Noir all over it.

Mostly 2? You are an Average Joe. Why were you in a bathroom with an attendant?

Mostly 3? Well done, you nailed this quiz and win nothing. Beware of the redneck quiz, though... It might contain a nasty surprise.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

[These 4 poems each depict a different stage in life - In utero, young love, parenthood and old age. In addition, there's also a gradual progression in the way they're anagrammed into one another: The 2nd poem is a sentence anagram of the 1st, the 3rd is a word anagram of it and the 4th is a standard letter anagram. Enjoy!]


Your mother's womb while still her embryo
Will keep you right forevermore, it seems;
That later age, in which reign gloom and woe,
Is far away and just a distant dream.
But deep within, in fact, is one mild gleam:
The fine bond with another human heart
Is so intense, its influence supreme;
Her promises and days yours from the start.
For love's not fleeting but a piece of art,
And she determines quite more than you know
The future love with whom you'd never part;
She'll point the guiding light, child, as you grow.

=

That later age, in which reign gloom and woe,
Is so intense, its influence supreme;
Your mother's womb while still her embryo
Is far away and just a distant dream.
But deep within, in fact, is one mild gleam:
The future love with whom you'd never part
Will keep you right forevermore, it seems -
The fine bond with another human heart.
And she determines quite more than you know,
Her promises and days yours from the start:
She'll point the guiding light, child, as you grow
For love's not fleeting but a piece of art.

=

But later still, the embryo is yours,
A piece of you within her mother's womb,
One human whom you'd love forevermore
And point her far away from woe and gloom -
Which is, more than another bond, so deep
For it in fact determines your dream child;
She is, in part, the promises you keep,
That fine art with a heart, while not as mild.
The days start fleeting and will grow intense,
The distant future never seems quite light
But with love's guiding gleam, its influence,
You know she'll reign supreme and age just right.

=

More summers passed. The girl has grown and thrived
While raising merry youngsters of her own,
And now, the final moment has arrived;
The room is empty and you are alone.
Yeah, life was often bleak or rather cruel,
But it's equipped with madly epic stuff;
If all there is are those few precious jewels
It definitely would've been enough.
And though the guiding light's no longer lit,
There is a special bond you've known from birth,
And that means you must now commit to it...
It's time to reunite with Mother Earth.

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A ten-inch steel vibrator =
Bet it's nicer than a lover!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The professional waitress =
Tip was so essential for her.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paradise Lost by Milton =
A Brit's old, saintly poem.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The sprinter Oscar Pistorius =
Superior star in prosthetics.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The National Rifle Association of America =
I note it's fatal if in a school area or cinema.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Pretend you are on the beach on some desert island. What three favorite books would you like to bring along?
=
- Michael Ende's 'The Neverending Story'
- 'Edgar Allan Poe: The Entire Works'
- 'How To Build A Boat Out Of Your Books'.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2012:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"
(Yeats, 'The Second Coming') =
December brought no messy deaths,
Eternal sobs or clash -
But one thing did outmatch us...
That we are too low on cash.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2012:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Riding upon the Goat, with snow-white hair,
I come, the last of all. This crown of mine
Is of the holly; in my hand I bear
The thyrsus, tipped with fragrant cones of pine.
I celebrate the birth of the Divine,
And the return of the Saturnian reign;
My songs are carols sung at every shrine,
Proclaiming "Peace on earth, good will to men."

=

A Poem on Issues of Destiny

A sense of wonder welcoming with mirth
New products of the miracle of birth
Beginning then their trip upon this Earth
Leads nowhere - though it may give you relief
To change that and promote this right belief:
An early, harsh conviction that we all
End in this roaring fire no prayer can stall.

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Taking down your Christmas lights =
Guy's task list: "Do right now in March".

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Monet's pic 'Iris' is ~
impressionistic.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Obama's second administration =
A man promised to end a nation's debt crisis.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Chevrolet Sprint =
Transport vehicle.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Pure friendship is something which men of an inferior intellect can never taste." - Jean de la Bruyere
=
There is no damn chance, Jean, if even Paris Hilton reels in a creepily huge number of Twitter friends.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

To The Evening Rainbow by Robert Southey

Mild arch of promise! On the evening sky
Thou shinest fair with many a lovely ray
Each in the other melting. Much mine eye
Delights to linger on thee; for the day,
Changeful and many-weather'd, seem'd to smile
Flashing brief splendor thro' its clouds awhile,
That deepen'd dark anon and fell in rain:
But pleasant it is now to pause, and view
Thy various tints of frail and watery hue,
And think the storm shall not return again.
Such is the smile that Piety bestows
On the good man's pale cheek, when he in peace
Departing gently from a world of woes,
Anticipates the realm where sorrows cease.

=

The Heat of the Israeli winter

Rain shocks us when we hear that thunder's roar,
Regaling as we watch it plump and pour.
One flood can drench the crops and heal them so,
Our fields will be so pained to see that go:
Yeah, we may feel the odd resplendent spray,
Yet none of them are then too keen to stay.
Great streams in other lands may flow among
Green pine trees, which can then grow thick and strong,
But in my homeland, as a rule of thumb,
Brief showers end, and plants stay mainly numb.
I wish I'd touched one bit of snow, yet I
Inherit these annoying stimuli:
Vile rays of light that pierce me like a shiv,
Veiled in that early fog in Tel Aviv.

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2013:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Iran hostage crisis =
This scare is in Argo.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Vatican's palace =
A place is vacant.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

The Carnival Triumph Cruise '14
It's a voyage you may never forget!


Pioneers-ville! Now you can revisit the savage days of a young America! Experience American life in simpler times without those basic modern luxuries like power, soap, food and fresh air. It may be the finest survival lesson that you'd ever have!
A Blazing Good Time: Behold, the primal force that has fascinated Man ever since we crawled out of the sea: Fire! Sit back and bask at the beauty of our own Flame Emporium (formerly the engine room). Come for the warmth, stay for the s'mores!*
*Bring your own s'mores
Health Tutorials! Most doctors believe that analyzing our diets should be our number one priority. And at Carnival Cruises, we don't just settle for Number Two. This is why our private facilities supply Hot and Cold Running Sewage - after all, each Carnival meal is so nice, you'll want to encounter it twice!

=

Guest Appearances: Surprise! Our highly informative safety lecture will be delivered by none other than Captain Francesco Schettino. Marvel as he demonstrates how to abandon ship in our only lifeboat!
A Zen For Life: Are modern cruises often zooming too fast for you? Now you can truly relax while you're towed at the maximum speed of 1.4 miles per hour through the mild backwaters of the majestic Venice of South East USA: Mobile, Alabama!
Premium Calligraphy Course! Learn how to sign your name like a real artist using a variety of colorful liability waivers! It's a must!!
Stars For A Day: So, we've reached port - but the fun shouldn't stop there. Why, are those TV cameras?! Indeed, it's time to live like a rich celebrity and gain worldwide fame... by giving interviews to numerous primetime newscasts! Move over, Beyonce!
Carnival Cruises: An adventure nothing short of titanic


SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The little Love-god lying once asleep
Laid by his side his heart-inflaming brand,
Whilst many nymphs that vowed chaste life to keep
Came tripping by; but in her maiden hand
The fairest votary took up that fire
Which many legions of true hearts had warmed;
And so the general of hot desire
Was sleeping by a virgin hand disarmed.
This brand she quenched in a cool well by,
Which from Love's fire took heat perpetual,
Growing a bath and healthful remedy
For men diseased; but I, my mistress' thrall,
Came there for cure, and this by that I prove,
Love's fire heats water, water cools not love.

=

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.


The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigh,
Not very pleased with me - yet I
Will bring that love back to her eyes
By trying hard and aiming high:
Creative odes performed with glee
Might promptly answer her brief plea;
One poem will prevent that war,
Establishing a firm rapport.

[The first 2 acrostics are formed by the Female poem's first letters and the Male poem's last letters:]

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.

The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Not  very  pleased  with me  -  yet  I
Will bring that love back  to her eyeS
By   trying   hard   and  aiming  higH:
Creative  odes  performed   with  gleE
Might promptly  answer  her brief pleA;
One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.



The 3rd acrostic is formed by the poems' other set of last & first letters, but only appears when the Female & Male poems intermingle:


What This Lady Likes Most       The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

He'd call me  Peach  and HoneydeW,
                                Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Ensuring that  his  love  is truE;
                                Not  very pleased  with  me  -  yet  I
Romantic odes  make  their  debuT -
                                Will bring that love back  to her eyeS
However droll,  they  will not dO.
                                By   trying   hard   and  aiming  higH:
Each ode and bluff can be his foE
                                Creative  odes  performed   with  gleE
And can dissolve  this status quO;
                                Might promptly  answer  her brief pleA;
Real love is friendly and mundanE -
                                One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Though it's a hard one  to obtaiN.
                                Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The film actresses of porno =
Lots of sperm on their faces.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2013:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The wonderful season of spring =
Open flowers found in the grass.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The fictional hero James Bond =
I often charm ladies on the job.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pope Francis the First =
Perfect for saintship.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2013:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Gillette's twin-blade head =
I shall get it wet and bleed.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman." (Margaret Thatcher)
=
That's a fraud, Maggie. You show me that "a woman of action isn't keen on remarks"... with a damn saying.

 

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The prostate examination ~
is a penetration to the max!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The richest people in the world:

1. Bill Gates
2. Carlos Slim
3. Warren Buffett
4. Amancio Ortega
5. Ingvar Kamprad
=
1. Smart PC nerd
2. Fat cellphone bigwig
3. Superb investor from Omaha
4. Clothing-retail stalwart
5. IKEA leader

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"I see your condition through my telescope. We have intercepted your supplies. Give in like a good fellow, and bring your garrison to dinner, and beds afterwards. Nobody injured, I hope?"
=
I do believe being cornered is crippling you.
Lose your pride for one night, guys.
I know how dispirited you ruthless cannon-fodder are.
Join me and we'd have plenty to toast!

Beauregard

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

It seemed to be but chance, yet who shall say
That 'twas not part of Nature's own sweet way
That on the field where once the cannon's breath
Laid many a hero cold and stark in death,
Some little children, in the after-years,
Had come to play among the grassy spears,
And, all unheeding, when their romp was done,
Had left a wreath of wild flowers over one
Who fought to save his country, and whose lot
It was to die unknown and rest forgot?

=

May Dawning
Each glance she chances out the window now
May add one wrinkle to the widow's brow.
One chatty thrush appears to mock her gloom;
Red roses are a tense display of doom...
It pains her that her heart has been undone,
And yet - as hastily the coastal sun
Looms ever-softly over her front lawn,
Defiance thaws her at the red of dawn:
A loathed fate dealt her one astounding blow,
Yet Life won't let that thwart its stunning flow.

GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Set in one's ways =
"New" isn't so easy.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Sopranos actor James Gandolfini =
Major loss of great thespian and icon.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"I've a grand memory for forgetting." (Robert Louis Stevenson)
=
"Voters are born senile. It's a gift from God." (Your government)

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2013:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
How To Appeal To A Woman On Your First Date

1. Show up wearing an elegant suit and dress shoes
2. Gently compliment her outfit when she arrives
3. Order the right bottle of wine
4. Take her to a good date film, like 'Les Miserables'
5. Impress her with your smooth dance moves
6. Take her for a hansom cab ride or a nice walk in the park
7. If you meet her folks there, try to innocently flirt with her mother
8. Learn all about women by reading serious books on the matter and gaining some decent first-hand experience.

=

How To Make A Woman Flee The Scene On Your First Date

1. Wear a stylish 'Bieber Fan Forever' shirt and orange sneakers
2. Compliment her ass and visible panty line
3. Order six bottles of some cheap red wine "to get things going"
4. Take her to the porn parody of 'Les Miserables'
5. Impress her with a drunk routine to the tune of 'YMCA'
6. Ask her to stand guard while you hot-wire a police car
7. Get really high and make out with her mom like it's the end of the world
8. Learn about women from a moronic list on the internet.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Dante Gabriel Rossetti's sonnet 'The Vase of Life' anagrammed into a sonnet about a Ming Vase with two relevant constraints]


Around the vase of Life at your slow pace
He has not crept, but turned it with his hands,
And all its sides already understands.
There, girt, one breathes alert for some great race;
Whose road runs far by sands and fruitful space;
Who laughs, yet through the jolly throng has pass'd;
Who weeps, nor stays for weeping; who at last,
A youth, stands somewhere crowned, with silent face.
And he has filled this vase with wine for blood,
With blood for tears, with spice for burning vow,
With watered flowers for buried love most fit;
And would have cast it shattered to the flood,
Yet in Fate's name has kept it whole; which now
Stands empty till his ashes fall in it.
=

What Truth Hides in a Piece of China?

This gloss, straight from the halls of royalty,
Has hardly waned a bit, but rather thrived;
Each passing decade made this subtlety
More marvelous than ever... and alive.
In older days of awful wrath and strife,
No warrior would dare to scratch this face;
Great lords, who often knew the joys of life,
Dreamt, spellbound, to possess the fabled vase.
Yet, when we watch this white and florid shell,
Now showcased, poignant, in that house of arts,
A wish for greatness flows through us as well,
So potent that it's bound to fill our hearts!
The beauty's pure as snow on winter flowers,
Yet deep within, we find its hidden powers.

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One steel vibrator =
Lover on batteries!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
It's a boy for Prince William and Catherine =
British pair welcomed a nice royal infant.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
South African president Mandela =
"Let's condemn apartheid as unfair!"

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American fast food giant McDonalds =
Digest a ton of fat and random chemicals.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2013:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A local US network read these 4 fake pilot names from a crashed Asiana flight: Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang Ding Ow.
=
Later, the anchorman listed 4 fellows on staff who are culpable for the gag: Sum Dam Gai, Dang Wee Suk, No Ai Kiu and Kwi Ting Soon.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

Sonnet XCVI by William Shakespeare

Some say thy fault is youth, some wantonness;
Some say thy grace is youth and gentle sport;
Both grace and faults are lov'd of more and less:
Thou mak'st faults graces that to thee resort.
As on the finger of a throned queen
The basest jewel will be well esteem'd,
So are those errors that in thee are seen
To truths translated, and for true things deem'd.
How many lambs might the stern wolf betray,
If like a lamb he could his looks translate!
How many gazers mightst thou lead away,
If thou wouldst use the strength of all thy state!
But do not so; I love thee in such sort,
As, thou being mine, mine is thy good report.

=

That Next Stage After Death

How shall a slothful soul dodge Satan's fires?
A great asylum must be Heaven's gates
Though, when it's vying for those robes and lyres,
There is an urge to right those broken traits.
So how impure its many flaws may seem there?
A lot of pride won't ease the sky's blind forum;
Unshaken avarice snares no fans either -
But holy diligence does, with that quorum;
And zero moderation angers it:
The Holy Court destroys those that are loathsome.
No way to charm its eyeless staff with wit;
It lets no glutton eye that gentlest blossom.
Just follow modestly, be meek and humble
To reach that peace - and not Hell's noted rumbles.

TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Assad regime =
Gas is made there.

 

LONG CATEGORY, August 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

Here is the last question for LAPD cadets:

"Eccentric computer mogul Jeff Briggs sat at the head of the table in his manor. To his right were his 5 sons, all with party hats in different colors (red, blue, green, yellow and pink), different drinks (vodka, soda, ale, tea and martini), and each seated opposite a stuffed pet (dog, fox, mole, hen and sheep).

Suddenly, the room went dark. A moment later, a shot rang out.

When Jeff's old butler turned the lights on, he was shocked. Jeff was dead, shot in his back. His sons were standing, their drinks spilled and their hats in a pile on the floor... next to a smoking gun.

When the cops arrived, the butler said he saw, in the faint moonlight, some man in a red hat tossing the gun to the floor. The sons, however, could only remember a few facts:

- Hans hated foxes. He loved ale, but tasted the hot drink next to him by mistake;
- Noah sat between Al and Ron, then tasted the vodka of a son whose hat wasn't green; His drink and the pet in front of him shared a first letter.
- Ron said the son to his left, who wore a blue hat, sat in front of a hen, and someone in a yellow hat sat in front of a sheep;
- Joe loved tea. The son next to him wore a pink hat and sat closest to their dad;
- Al, who hated martinis, sat in front of a dog.

Can you figure out who the murderer is?"

=

Now, many tend to untangle this nonsense by entering the random data into a table:

SonDrinkPetSeat
J
o
e
N
o
a
h
R
o
n
A
l
H
a
n
s
V
o
d
k
a
S
o
d
a
A
l
e
T
e
a
M
a
r
t
i
n
i
D
o
g
F
o
x
M
o
l
e
H
e
n
S
h
e
e
p
F
i
r
s
t
S
e
c
o
n
d
T
h
i
r
d
F
o
u
r
t
h
F
i
f
t
h
H
a
t
Yellow                    
Blue                    
Red                    
Green                    
Pink                    
S
e
a
t
First               
Second               
Third               
Fourth               
Fifth               
P
e
t
Dog          
Fox          
Mole          
Hen          
Sheep          
D
r
i
n
k
Vodka     
Soda     
Ale     
Tea     
Martini     

Then, some deductive reasoning can help. For example, if a "*" character means a hit and a "\" means a miss, and we know that Hans drank ale, we draw "*" in the related square and "\" in the other ones in that row or column. Here's a finished grid, with Al as the answer:

SonDrinkPetSeat
J
o
e
N
o
a
h
R
o
n
A
l
H
a
n
s
V
o
d
k
a
S
o
d
a
A
l
e
T
e
a
M
a
r
t
i
n
i
D
o
g
F
o
x
M
o
l
e
H
e
n
S
h
e
e
p
F
i
r
s
t
S
e
c
o
n
d
T
h
i
r
d
F
o
u
r
t
h
F
i
f
t
h
H
a
t
Yellow\*\\\\*\\\\\\\*\\\*\
Blue*\\\\\\\*\\\\*\\*\\\
Red\\\*\*\\\\*\\\\\\\\*
Green\\*\\\\\\*\*\\\\\*\\
Pink\\\\*\\*\\\\*\\*\\\\
S
e
a
t
First\\\\*\\*\\\\*\\
Second*\\\\\\\*\\\\*\
Third\\*\\\\\\*\*\\\
Fourth\*\\\\*\\\\\\\*
Fifth\\\*\*\\\\*\\\\
P
e
t
Dog\\\*\*\\\\
Fox\\*\\\\\\*
Mole\\\\*\\*\\
Hen*\\\\\\\*\
Sheep\*\\\\*\\\
D
r
i
n
k
Vodka\\\*\
Soda\*\\\
Ale\\\\*
Tea*\\\\
Martini\\*\\

A few, on the other hand, did none of that and instead noted that: A. It's impossible to spot colors in the moonlight; B. The 5 sons were sitting when the lights went out somehow, and C. Father Jeff was shot from behind right after that, though his sons sat to his right. So the answer would be the butler. Those few tend to do well as detectives later on.

Of course, a lot of these may just be lucky guesses. It's always the butler.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[For the 1 year anniversary of Neil Armstrong's death, the poem Sonnet to the Moon is anagrammed into a sonnet that celebrates Neil in 3 different ways, detailed below:]

Sonnet to the Moon, Sir Philip Sidney

With how sad steps, O Moon, thou climb'st the skies,
How silently, and with how wan a face!
What may it be, that even in heavenly place
That busy Archer his sharp arrows tries?
Sure, if that long with love acquainted eyes
Can judge of love, thou feel'st a lover's case;
I read it in thy looks, thy languished grace
To me that feel the like thy state descries.
Then, even of fellowship, O Moon! tell me,
Is constant love deemed there but want of wit?
Are beauties there as proud as here they be?
Do they above love to be loved, and yet
Those lovers scorn whom that love doth possess?
Do they call virtue there ungratefulness?

=
[Much like my tribute to Steve Jobs a couple of years back, this sonnet contains an acrostic (Neil A. Armstrong) and his famous quote ("That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind") - which itself draws the outline of a full moon, as displayed in this animated image:]

The Sweetest Pilot Who Touched The Heavens

No, Heaven's truest board of awesome worth
Evaluating deeds should not have fretted;
It never will receive a soul from Earth
Less worthy than the easy catch they've netted:
A wholesome knight that's still beloved today
And vowed to pay mankind one welcome service,
Respected truly for his small-town ways
More than this 'leap and step' on stony surface,
Shall join these giants, for he chose to be
The first of this one-in-a-billion crew.
Relieve this healthy Man of Piety,
Obey these ceaseless calls to let him through:
No birth upon this sphere - above it, too -
Gave us a buddy that was quite like you.

GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A cat is the master of the house =
It has to chase after the mouse!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2013:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The United States' foreign policy =
It only sits up after the genocide.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
10 Plagues of Egypt

1. Blood
2. Frogs
3. Lice
4. Wild animals or flies
5. Pestilence
6. Boils
7. Hail
8. Locusts
9. Darkness
10. Death of the firstborn

=

10 Blights of Modern Life

1. Cancer
2. Obesity
3. Hepatitis
4. Stroke
5. War
6. Debt
7. Illegal drugs
8. Fossil fuels
9. Local floods
10. No happiness

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2013:

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"If you've been wise and found the blaze,
Look quickly down, your quest to cease,
But tarry scant with marvel gaze,
Just take the chest and go in peace."
=
Mark The Spot

Your unreal stanza's wage
Again is one convoluted quiz,
But the lucky detective knew
A joy offered by what
This bequest concealed.

 

LONG CATEGORY, September 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Why American Football Is Better Than World Football

1. Because brute force is actually a part of this game and not considered a 'foul';
2. Because you can see all that action and players up close and don't feel like you're watching the whole game from a blimp;
3. Because our football games involve some complicated gameplay and a lot of strategies, as opposed to just a bunch of playground shin-kicking and spitting;
4. Because our half-time shows often involve Beyonce bouncing around in a thong and not some stupid field maintenance;
5. Because all the games end with a SCORE, for Pete's sake, and not in nil-nil after ninety minutes!

=

Why World Football Is Better Than American Football

1. Because many of the men are in fact fit enough to do a few sit ups and run a couple of laps;
2. Because those chaps are also unlikely to put on a helmet and nine hundred tons of immense protective gear like US players;
3. Because the famous World Cup final is indeed watched GLOBALLY and not just in America;
4. Because this game contains two forty-five-minute sets of thrilling, non-stop action, as opposed to one unremarkable second before cutting to a sickening commercial;
5. Because playing this game actually involves a foot and a bleeding ball, not a hand and a bloody egg!

SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
After great pain a formal feeling comes--
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?
And yesterday--or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow--
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

=

Briefly Reflecting On Grief

Restoring someone dreamed in art
Eventually did cure dark hearts;
Creations touch a warmth I lost,
Uniting me with harmless ghosts,
Perhaps because their quiet flare
Ensures I am not frozen there.
Relief felt after stress can be
A power which enables me
To go on when I feel quite rotten;
It's out of sight, yet not forgotten:
None of the scars and hazards could
Get me to overlook the Good.

RUDE CATEGORY, September 2013:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Why does Liberace have a resemblance to fir trees? =
Well, I see they're both scared of American beavers!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Two bullets in the head =
I bet the wound's lethal!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The late singer Lou Reed =
I lost a true legend here.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Life is like photography - we develop from the negatives." =
The evil theory spoke of film. Perhaps we've gone digital?!

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Perfect Day by Lou Reed

Just a perfect day,
Drink sangria in the park
And then later, when it gets dark, we go home.

Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too, and then home.

Oh, it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh, such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on...

Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own, it's such fun.

Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself,
I thought I was someone else, someone good.

Oh, it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh, such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on...

You're going to reap just what you sow.

=

Goodbye, Lou Reed

To this gifted man!
He just brought us so much joy,
Each one of the tunes employs loads of depth.

Don't forget that man
Each time you pick up a pick,
And play "Egg Cream" with a kick, like his stuff.

To the edgy music man!
He's just the type we enjoy.
Oh, we cheer the man
Free of woe and soaring up,
So astute and rising up...

I applaud you, man,
No star made us weep like you.
Great poets are often few, so we ache.

Eulogize that man,
Read lyrics of lengthy songs
Like "Sweet Jane" and other strong, faded gifts.

Oh, weep for my edgy man
Unjustly taken today.
Rest in peace, my man,
Earning that euphoric joy,
Earning that euphoric joy...

Deep under us, you just live on.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2013:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A sonnet from Caelica

In night when colors all to black are cast,
Distinction lost, or gone down with the light,
The eye a watch to inward senses placed,
Not seeing, yet still having powers of sight,
Gives vain alarums to the inward sense
Where fear stirred up with witty tyranny
Confounds all powers, and thorough self-offense
Doth forge and raise impossibility:
Such as in thick depriving darknesses
Proper reflections of the error be
And images of self-confusednesses,
Which hurt imaginations only see;
And from this nothing seen, tells news of devils
Which but expressions be of inward evils.

=

Night of the Dead

When darling children go to find that treat
As corpses, vixens, ghosts and apparitions,
No witnesses and people serving sweets
Will find this scene obscene by definition.
We're willing to repress the wicked sight
So no one fathoms something more primeval:
The flippant tone in this October night
Conceals the real identity of Evil.
Why only focus on the wrongs within,
If Halloween is warding off such traces
Of any selfishness and daily sins?
God knows our florid masks are but our faces.
This is what children's costumes can reveal:
Their wrongs are false, but ours are very real.

RUDE CATEGORY, October 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Gastrointestinal discomfort =
I got colitis and monster farts.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2013:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Painter Leonardo =
An old art pioneer.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2013:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
EVERY MAN SAYS TO A WOMAN:

1. Hey, you are such a good friend!
2. I will talk to you later.
3. Can we meet at this restaurant?
=
WHAT THE CREATURE MOSTLY MEANS:

1. I don't want to date you, okay?
2. Well, in four years, I guess.
3. I may not have a real car.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

=
A virtual voyage in a battlefield's heart

That wealth at noon was quite a view
Here, in the field; how good to note
Each heather here prevailed and grew:
Great growth had formed a heavy coat.
Each youthful bird soared in the air,
Too smooth, too blithe and too naive.
That view may look too fine and fair,
Yet we once heard that looks deceive.
So, what faint thing can no one peep,
Beneath that view of peace and cheer,
Unheard-of, worn and wedged too deep,
Remaining faint too long, for years?
Great fear once ailed that stretch of land,
All through that time of pained contention;
Death governed it when legions grand
Did rotten things we wouldn't mention.
Respected war-gods clenched their teeth,
Each striving to maintain their might;
Steel sabers shot out of their sheaths,
So fiercely keen to clinch those fights;
But clever Earth, then scorched and dried,
Yearned to correct that dream we shattered;
A lot of troops that toiled there died,
But to that earth, it barely mattered:
Red poppies grow where brothers fought
And blades of grass where bodies fell.
Hate, pain and grievance were for naught,
Around that growth where pine trees dwell.
Men, blood-lust and their cannon's flare
Leave no vague trace out here, it seems,
In one vast piece of Heaven, where
No force but Nature reigned supreme.
Cool winds invade all that survived
On heavy vines that brave that chill.
Life carried on - it wants to thrive,
Now that the ground has had its fill.

RUDE CATEGORY, November 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
If a dick is not three inches at best, ~
the chicks aren't satisfied one bit!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Decoration of the walls in the Sistine Chapel =
Hail it as one of the nicest places in the world!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Top stories the day after Nelson Mandela's burial =
"President Obama Selfie" and "The Lousy Translator".

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mandela, the president of South Africa =
"The land of our fathers is emancipated."

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The prehistoric Stonehenge, UK =
Huge rocks sit there in the open.

 

LONG CATEGORY, December 2013:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

THE ATTITUDE TEST

A young Texan named Roy wanted to be a police officer. Roy was a big muscular guy and good with guns, so he thought he has a shot,

One day, he saw an ad in the paper:

"Do you have what it takes? Are you
desperate for some action? Then the
the Sheriff's Department is looking
for YOU. Boldly go where no man has
gone before!"

Taking it as a sign, Roy applied. After a half hour of physical tests, Deputy Chief Mel Pacino called Roy into his office for one last interview. "You're amazing", said Mel. "But before you can be accepted, you have to take an attitude suitability test. You have to do this first. I won't take just anyone."

The Deputy Chief then gave Roy a Smith & Wesson revolver and said, "Take this and shoot everything on this list: Six immigrants, four Mexican chicks, four Muslims and one terrier."

"Why the terrier?" Roy asked.

"Great attitude. You pass", said the Deputy Chief. "When can you start here?"

=

THE PERSONALITY TEST

Now, folks, you didn't know this, but that wasn't simply some gag about Texas. That was in fact a personality test, assessing personality types based on the first thing that got you distracted. Here is what we have determined:

- If you would've asked the same thing as Roy, you are a DOG LOVER.

- If you cringed or gasped at the punch-line of the joke, you are a TEXAN.

- If you took special notice of the word 'chicks' and didn't appreciate it, you are a FEMINIST.

- If you were revolted by the phrase 'a half hour', you are BRITISH.

- If you first thought, "How can he shoot them if a Smith & Wesson revolver only has six bullets?", you are SCARING ME.

- If you recognized the Star Trek reference in the ad, you are a GEEK.

- If you managed to discover the 'the' in the ad that shouldn't be there, you are PEDANTIC.

- And if you noticed that the Deputy Chief's name is an obvious anagram of 'Policeman', you are an ANAGRAMMIST.

RUDE CATEGORY, December 2013:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The hooters of old Gran =
Those drag on the floor!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
High number at IQ test? =
The man's quite bright!

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Martin Scorsese film 'The Wolf of Wall Street' =
It reflects some mean fellow's thirst for wealth.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ariel Sharon is dead =
Oh dear... sad in Israel.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The notorious Lance Edward Armstrong =
A man with a record no longer so trusted.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Best of 2013

1. Pope Francis
2. Nuclear deal with Iran
3. Rob Ford stories
4. Capital punishment is now in decline
5. The film 'Gravity'.
=
The Worst of 2013

1. Horrid fate of the Philippines
2. Mandela mourned
3. Syria conflict
4. Cunning NSA wiretaps
5. Bieber still active.

 

LONG CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[I see that the poor kid that answered these dumb questions got a zero on his test... I think that kid is brilliant!]

Q: What is the main reason for divorce
A: Marriage.

Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with only one hand?
A: It must be easy if it only has one hand.

Q: How would you go many days without sleeping much?
A: I'll sleep at night.

~

Q: In which battle did Napoleon Bonaparte die?
A: His last battle.

Q: The Mississippi flows in which state?
A: Liquid state.

Q: It took eight men three years to complete the Washington Monument. How many years would it take fourteen men to do this?
A: Zero, since it's already built.

Q: If you had eight oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Freaky clown hands.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

=

THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
As there was a small thing that he wanted to learn:
How his former short visit affected them all!
He wished to see people just having a ball.

He looked at each window in one vivid town...
But his chipper mood died and he wore a grave frown.
He saw no high spirits, not one celebration -
Those people were NOT full of Christmas elation.

They sat in each home with their faces all gray,
And stared at their Wiis and their iPhones all day.
The zombified children gaped blankly and drooled
While playing the new Candy Crush or Bejeweled.

They saw pets on Youtube (neglecting their own);
Each finger ran furiously on a phone...
This horror was harming their bodies and minds
And their dolls and hobbies were now left behind!

St. Nick had enough! He was mad, mad as hell!
He rushed to his workshop and, furious, yelled:
"Just what are those hellish machines you call 'toys'?
It hurts the poor kids! You're supposed to bring joy!

"From now on, the dang things that whiff of high-tech
Shall just go through me, for a personal check.
I'll fix this phenomenon once and for all..."
But Santa was wrong. This was not a good call.

When he used one iPhone, he was really hooked!
He sat gaping at Kindles with Stephen King books;
He Tweeted and Flickred well into the night
And Instagrammed selfies in chic black-and-white.

After many months, Christmas was nigh yet again -
But Santa still hadn't come out of his den!
His worried elves knew Santa had to be weaned:
It was time to unplug him from all his machines.

They tied him with sashes and one fluffy bow
While Santa was shaking there from head to toe;
They had him drink milk until they were all sure
That Santa, their hero, was finally cured.

But he had an idea! Oh, he wasn't quite through.
"My dear elves", he said, "there's one thing I should do."
He showed them the mainframes he wanted to hack
And then he commanded which ones to attack:

"Now Samsung! Now Sony! Now Apple! Now Dell!
Now LG and Nokia! Now AOL!
Upload all those viruses! Knock the lines down!
It is high time we took out the techies in town!"

And it worked! Everybody then shouted "Hurray"...
And something unusual happened that day.
With no wi-fi available in the whole place,
People actually started to talk FACE TO FACE!

The kids walked outside for the first time in days
Then, lo and behold - THEY ALL STARTED TO PLAY!
They ran in the parks, throwing snowballs with glee -
In short, they were being what children should be.

Now Santa was chuffed to the hundredth degree:
Both this town and himself were completely tech-free.
There was no single hellish device in his base...
Except for his iPad. You know, just in case.

RUDE CATEGORY, January 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Yes, smaller two-inch pricks ~
won't really impress chicks!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Winter Games in Sochi =
There is magic in the snow!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel =
Pair sang ultramundane folk.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The fast-food restaurant chain McDonald's =
Adults faced months of constant diarrhea.

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
If you spell 'cabbage' in reverse, it'll sound like 't-shirts'! Did you know that incredible fact? Go on, try it!
=
Gullibility: A person's tendency to be easily deceived or to fall for absurd tricks without thinking.

 

LONG CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
I have a little test for you! It requires speed, but it's not that hard. Try to name the color of these things as fast as possible:


Cloud


Snow


A piece of paper


Oreo filling


Are you done? Great! Now say the name of that color aloud eight times fast.






QUICK!!! WHAT DO COWS DRINK?






No, weirdo, that's not true at all. You see, cows drink water, not milk.

=

If you liked that, here's another really nice trick (but this will also require speed). Repeat the following words to yourself:


Host


Most


Ghost


Roast


Coast


All done? Phenomenal! Now repeat the word Coast five times fast.






QUICK!!! WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?






No, I'm afraid you got confused again. We stick bread in the toaster, not toast.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Love at the lips was touch
As sweet as I could bear;
And once that seemed too much;
I lived on air

That crossed me from sweet things
The flow of — was it musk
From hidden grapevine springs
Downhill at dusk?

I had the swirl and ache
From sprays of honeysuckle
That when they're gathered shake
Dew on the knuckle.

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.

Now no joy but lacks salt
That is not dashed with pain
And weariness and fault;
I crave the stain

Of tears, the aftermark
Of almost too much love,
The sweet of bitter bark
And burning clove.


=
His Kiss Her Kiss

His hands are very weak and wet Her features glow as she lies back,
As he advances awkwardly, And drops her guard for some sweet fling;
And knows just that he mustn't fret, He nervously planned to attack
And either ace this test or flee. And now, at last, it's happening.
But what if she will think his moves A golden moment would be good;
Are too intense... or not enough? Indeed, we want to be impressed -
So much to do with much to prove; But errors won't affect her mood:
It can be wise if he acts tough... That crafty move is not a test -
Chicks actually love that stuff. It's how he'd manage all the rest.

RUDE CATEGORY, February 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Saw the sodomy in the state prison cell... =
So that's why it's termed PENAL-COLONies!

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Malaysian airline passengers =
I learn a plane's missing, as are they.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Simpsons cartoon dad Homer =
Poor man tends to scream his "D'OH!"

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Most Loathed Celebrities:
1. Paris Hilton
2. Justin Bieber
3. Kim Kardashian
4. Lindsay Lohan
5. Kanye West
=
1. Narcissist
2. Abominable kid
3. Ample reality-show idiot
4. That has-been drunk
5. Insanely hostile jerk

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2014:
>1st - Meyran Kraus with:
About Paris

Tiled floors in bedrooms; trees (now run to seed —
Such seed as the wind takes) of Liberty;
Squares with new names that no one seems to see;
Scrambling Briarean passages, which lead
To the first place you came from; urgent need
Of unperturbed nasal philosophy;
Through Paris (what with church and gallery)
Some forty first-rate paintings, or indeed
Fifty mayhap; fine churches; splendid inns;
Fierce sentinels (toy-size without the stands)
Who spit their oaths at you and grind their r's
If at a fountain you would wash your hands;
One Frenchman (this is fact) who thinks he spars:
Can even good dinners cover all these sins?

=


That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

[The visual tribute appears when the poem is centered and every word containing an I in the poem body is highlighted:]


That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

RUDE CATEGORY, March 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Really nice pair of boobs ~
are probably of silicone.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The professional plastic surgeon =
I sculpt this large nose of a person.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'The Creation of Adam', a Sistine Chapel ceiling mural =
God shall touch Man in a fierce Italian masterpiece.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar maintains that he is not guilty of Reeva's death =
Is this a fact, mister? I hear you haven't a leg to stand on!

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Comedian Stephen Colbert =
He copied Letterman on CBS.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
I'd trade shoes at ~
the Adidas store.

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Spring Song
Robert Louis Stevenson

The air was full of sun and birds,
The fresh air sparkled clearly.
Remembrance wakened in my heart
And I knew I loved her dearly.

The fallows and the leafless trees
And all my spirit tingled.
My earliest thought of love, and Spring's
First puff of perfume mingled.

In my still heart the thoughts awoke,
Came lone by lone together –
Say, birds and Sun and Spring, is Love
A mere affair of weather?

=

Remembering My Lost Half

A while had passed, yet I recall
How this fool promptly fell for her -
But dared not fight the plunge at all,
For mindless links are merrier.
And no grief, nor a twist of fate,
May snuff the avid spark worth saving
And like some evil sun negate
An ocean of elated craving:
My lips burn as I feel that kiss
Where fresher buds grew all around;
I'd sense my lady there, in bliss,
On these serene and pretty grounds.

RUDE CATEGORY, April 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Floor around men's toilets =
Lots of urine... and lots more.

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sure, if we liken a German to a Nazi, ~
we make unfair generalizations.

 

TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The speech Pope Francis made to the Israelis =
His plea for the peace process in the Mideast.

 

PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare, the Immortal Bard =
I admire 'Hamlet'... His plot was remarkable!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The traditional symbolic themes of each wedding anniversary:
1st: Paper
2nd: Cotton
3rd: Leather
4th: Silk
5th: Wood
=
Things that I'll lose each year when I divorce:
1st: Apartment
2nd: Loads of money
3rd: Pet bird
4th: One car
5th: Two kids.

 

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)

There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.

But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
(The title is to the left...)

 

SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with: (In honor of Mother's Day this May, Yeats' poem is anagrammed into a another poem that contains 2 relevant acrostics in both its first and last letters:)


'Song of the Old Mother' by Yeats

I rise in the dawn, and I kneel and blow
Till the seed of the fire flicker and glow;
And then I must scrub and bake and sweep
Till stars are beginning to blink and peep;
And the young lie long and dream in their bed
Of the matching of ribbons for bosom and head,
And their day goes over in idleness,
And they sigh if the wind but lift a tress:
While I must work because I am old,
And the seed of the fire gets feeble and cold.

=

The Mother's Gift

Men knew  that  nothing  beats  the gilded gleam
Of  brooks  that babble  and  fine daisies,  too:
No  gift's   believed  to  be   more   brilliant
Than cunning Mother Nature's, when she's through.
How   perfect   a  description   it   would   be
Of  all   the  magic   in   your   able   finger!
For years,  all kindness  and these fonder deeds
Made life  a splendid bliss  and kindly lingered:
As  ebb  and  flow  and  wind   define  the  sea,
Your    hidden   dedication    was    the    key.


MeY

RUDE CATEGORY, May 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A male's worst habit =
Miss that bowl area.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Masterpiece painting 'Mona Lisa' =
An enigmatic smile appears on it.

 

LONG CATEGORY, June 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Filmsite.com's Fifteen Greatest Screen Actors:

1. Tom Hanks
2. Robert De Niro
3. Jack Nicholson
4. Henry Fonda
5. James Stewart
6. Marlon Brando
7. Humphrey Bogart
8. Paul Newman
9. Jack Lemmon
10. Gene Hackman
11. Al Pacino
12. Daniel Day-Lewis
13. Anthony Hopkins
14. Gregory Peck
15. Clint Eastwood

=

1. Mr. Gump
2. Raging man
3. A harsh Joker
4. Well-spoken jury member
5. 'Popeye' in The French Connection
6. Stanley Kowalski
7. Casablanca's Rick
8. Faster king of pool
9. Man in drag
10. New Senator Smith
11. The Fearless Tony Montana
12. Last Mohican
13. Doctor Lecter
14. Dad in The Omen
15. Jaded cowboy

SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Henry Davies' poem about June is anagrammed into a poem dedicated to World Cup fans with 2 constraints: it contains a relevant acrostic down its left side, and it's shaped like a ball when centered.

RUDE CATEGORY, June 2014:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
That meal of red beans ~
has enabled me to fart!

 

GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Armed bully =
Really dumb.

 

ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2014:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Argentinian football team =
A German lot beat it on the Final.

 

OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Non-filter Camel cigarettes =
I'll get cancer faster into me!

 

MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Seven New World Wonders:

1. Great Wall of China
2. Christ the Redeemer
3. Petra
4. Chichen Itza
5. Colosseum
6. Taj Mahal
7. Machu Picchu
=
How a child reacts in them:

1. Mud fence.
2. Ethnic Jesus.
3. Grim cave.
4. Where's the churro?
5. Open mall.
6. Wizard place.
7. What, no escalator?

 

LONG CATEGORY, July 2014:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Five Unusual Facts About Films

- Darth Vader only appears for 12-odd minutes in the first Star Wars film.

- The mask Michael Myers had is a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

- OJ Simpson was considered for the role of The Terminator but director James Cameron thought he didn't quite fit in his role because he was "too nice".

- Amazingly, Sean Connery wore a wig in all of his performances as Bond - every single one.

- A Wizard of Oz screenplay was written by Ogden Nash but never used.

=

Seven (plus) Fascinating Music Facts

- The only ZZ Top member without a giant beard is drummer Frank Beard.

- No one knows just where Mozart is buried.

- None of the Beatles could read or write notes very well.

- Elvis and Sinatra did not write any of their songs.

- Eminem is afraid of giraffes.

- Queen's Brian May now has a PhD in Astrophysics.

- Michael Jackson's autopsy now proves that: 1. He wore a piece; 2. He actually suffered from a rare medical condition that made his skin lighter.

SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2014:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

=

Stages In A Week-Long Romance

Such bosom-aches I felt the day I met her,
But then, I could not gather how I feel;
My daydreams in the second one fared better:
More passionate and rather more surreal;
The third came with the notion that no guy
Must ever have revered a mistress more,
While I soared to some monumental highs
Beneath her flaring goodness on day four;
Then, on day five, some things did not age well:
Those small compulsions or those loathsome tics...
From harmless bliss, it turned to stressful hell
Around the final hours of day six.
So, as it has to happen to all men,
Day seven comes, and I'm alone again.

RUDE CATEGORY, July 2014:
Eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Farting in elevators =
It's one fragrant evil!

 

Table of All-Time Placegetters


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