Anagrammy Placings by Meyran Kraus
All the highly-placed anagrams by Meyran Kraus from the Anagrammy Awards.
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 1998:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Beauty and the Beast =
Be nauseated by that.
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 1998:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Cartoons =
No actors.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The mask of Zorro =
To hero's mark of 'Z'.
SPAM CATEGORY, August 1998:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Please add me to your mailing list =
You tell lies, I end it - do spamagram.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, August 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Please add me to your mailing list =
You tell lies, I end it - do spamagram.
I do digital spam - lure, steal money.
Dull spam idiot. Steal money? I rage!
See my 'polite' anagrams, dull idiot.
You sad idiot illegal net spammer!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Chevrolet =
Love the car!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 1998:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ludwig van Beethoven's Fifth Symphony in C minor =
Hint: Hymn V by deaf composer. Fun! Loving it! He wins!
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, October 1998:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The act of fellatio =
Eat tool? Face-filth!
Felt the facial, too?
To fill face, eat hot.
Fat tool? I felt ache.
Felt hot oil at face.
Eat hole to afflict.
All of it to the face.
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Silicone Transplants =
Plan nicer tits on lass.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 1998:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Johannes Vermeer van Delft's "Girl with a pearl earring" =
'Teen and her jewel' - performing ravishing art. All raves!
RUDE CATEGORY, November 1998:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Wet T-Shirt Contest =
Wants hot, erect tits.
LONG CATEGORY, November 1998:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Arthur C. Clarke's "Two Thousand and One: A Space Odyssey" =
PC Hal on: "Do you want astronauts dead?" "Yes." He's crackers!
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, November 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Wet T-Shirt Contest =
Wants hot, erect tits.
Water tits, not chest!
Watch & sort teen tits.
Can test her two tits.
Rate twin-tots' chest.
Western act: Hot tits!
Tart chest-set? It won!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Caravaggio's "The Decapitation Of Saint John The Baptist" =
An artist, he jots 'beheading of a chap'. It's too captivating!
SPAM CATEGORY, December 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Let me show you this POWERFUL way to secure your PROSPERITY and FREEDOM. =
How low... Please don't SPAM me or you're HISTORY, you rude, creepy twit. Suffer!!!
LONG CATEGORY, December 1998:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"When you enjoy something, you must never let logic get too
much in the way. Like the villains in all the James Bond movies.
Whenever Bond breaks into the complex: 'Ah, Mr. Bond, welcome,
come in. Let me show you my entire evil plan and then put you
in a death machine that doesn't work'."
-- Jerry Seinfeld, "Sein Language"
=
"Double-O-Seven has sex with plenty of women, too, but he
never puts on a condom. Come on, you eerie, English agent! You can't
have them all. There's pregnancy, Aids. I just know love'll kill
you eventually. 'I'm intelligent, I'm bright, me, me, me. The
job? Her Majesty can wait!'... Chase Dr. No, not women!"
-- Mey K., in "Hide ID, Win Her Hand!"
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, December 1998:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" =
Stone's velvet pubic hair? Can sin!
Seen Sharon's cunt via pelvic bit.
Evil Sharon's cunt? Sin, be captive.
Is Sharon's pelvic bit (even a cunt!)
Be evil, inspect via Sharon's cunt.
'Pelvic Eve'- Sharon's cunt-bait? Sin!
Be in Sharon's active cunt, pelvis.
Her cunt's visible, is open & vacant.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Alanis
Morissette: Thank You
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Libyan desert =
Let's be in dry heat!
The Sahara desert =
Ass rather heated...
The Nubian desert =
Burned in the east.
The Gobi desert =
Be hot? Gets dire!
The Great Australian desert =
Gets real arid. Sun? Heat-treat!
LONG CATEGORY, March 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Brilliant gold taps, virginal white marble, a seat carved
from ebony, a cistern full of Chanel Number Five, and a flunky
handing me pieces of raw silk toilet roll. But under the circumstances,
I'll settle for anywhere..."
=
From the Irvine Welsh novel, 'Trainspotting', a film by Danny
Boyle, is brutal, full of "fuck" and "shit",
and effective.
Ewan McGregor's remarkable as a Scottish, urban intellectual heroin-addict.
Cruel, real; will repel men.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Encyclopaedia Britannica =
Can be a dictionary in place.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Frente:
Safe From You
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 1999:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Sexually Transmitted Disease =
Lays? Uses latex. AIDS terminated!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Philip K. Dick's "Do androids dream of electric sheep?" =
Rick Deckard (H. Ford) dispelled machines? I oppose it!
SPAM CATEGORY, April 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"This is a one time mailing. You will not receive an e-mail from our company again. Thank you." =
"A tiny, illicit violation? Spamming me once? How generous of you! A real humanitarian..." Mey K.
LONG CATEGORY, April 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WE DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING AVAILABLE FOR DSS, SATELITE OR DIGITAL
CABLE SYSTEMS AND DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FOR THEM ANY TIME SOON.
=
I exhibit a most annoying, ineffective spam that mentally-challenged
nerds sent. A logo? "To Rob!"... Very sad. WAY too sad.
It has to end!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Summer time and the living is easy
Fish are jumping and the cotton is high
Your dad is rich and your mom is so good looking
So hush little baby don't you cry
=
Hot season is here, humdrum is harmony;
Giddy cod is coming, crop is tall.
Father has money and mother is just divinity;
You sobbing, kid? Enough. You got it all.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dangerous Narcotic =
Snort a drug - Cocaine.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Brian De Palma's Bonfire Of The Vanities =
Ban this barren movie as a definite flop.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Shel Silverstein Dies of Heart Attack =
Hear the fantastic 'kids-level' stories.
RUDE CATEGORY, May 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
I love licking cunts =
Sucking on clit? Vile!
SPAM CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
This "Hot", new, technology will also allow you to (realistically)
make $2-5,000 in less than 30 days part-time! =
Hey, 'Netwit'! This totally cool anagram shall only cost you 500
dollars. Please mail it within 20-30 weeks.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Madame Curie =
Me, Radium ace.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Palestine Liberation Organization =
Arabs' petition? Legalize their nation? No.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Palestine Liberation Organization =
Arabs' petition? Legalize their nation? No.
Arabs' petition - Legalization?! Not in here!
[Israeli government POV]
The elite: Arab got nation? Zion's in a peril!
"An Arab ghetto in Israel", point Zion elite.
[Israeli right-wing POV]
Arabs' petition - Legalization? Oh, enter in!
[Israeli left-wing POV]
To elite: "No nation? Ha! I rebel in Gaza Strip!"
[Palestinian POV]
Lebanon: "I hate Israeli pig at rotten Zion!"
[Lebanon feeling left out]
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sydney Pollack's Tootsie =
Testicles on lady? Spooky...
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The British Royal Wedding at Saint George's Chapel, Windsor =
Two rising 'English Trash', Edward & Sophie, celebrating today.
SPAM CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WHAT MAKES US SO SPECIAL?????
We process over $4 Billion in credit card transactions every
year.
We have over 100,000 merchants online and growing.
We offer secured on-line real time transactions.
We offer 24 hour customer service 7 days a week in 17 different
languages.
We offer complete training and installation through our technical
support group.
We offer a life time warranty and unlimited upgrades.
We help make money for your company and your customers.
=
WHAT MAKES ME REALLY MAD?????
Fuckers who are in love with theirselves.
Spammers e-mailing feces.
Low-life wankers ruining our net.
Warts & acne covered nerds posting awful, used stuff to newsgroups.
Eerie Pyramid Scams.
"Our letter can change your life" crap.
A guarantee of "Double your money" or "$40 to $40,000".
Every annoying, coffee\acid\cocaine-user pervert starting a letter
with "712 Pure Hardcore Porno Pics of 71 horny women..."
And a final one:
A moronic list I didn't want!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Gorgon Medusa =
"God! Her mug!"... a stone.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The American Society of Cinematographers =
It's a cameramen force- they're shooting a pic!
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, June 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Penthouse Centerfold =
No clothes? Nude, fare pet!
Pose half nude? Not erect!
Pose nude? Cheer- not flat!
See a cunt, fondle her top.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The
Little Boy and the Old Man
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
America's Funniest Home Videos =
'Amateur Comedies On VHS' is fine!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Prime Minister, Ehud Barak =
Hi, President Mubarak! I'm there!
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, July 1999:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Prime Minister, Ehud Barak =
Hi, President Mubarak! I'm there!
Met heir: "Hi, President Mubarak!"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" =
"Nightmares or omens? Frustrated? Fed up? I end it!"
LONG CATEGORY, August 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with: [The lines uttered by Samuel L. Jackson in 'Pulp Fiction' whenever he had to kill a guy]
Ezekiel Twenty-five, Seventeen:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities
of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who
in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through
the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and
the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee
with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt
to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is
the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
=
From Tarantino's funny, violent (yet new-style) 'Pulp Fiction'.
The intense, groundbreaking hit features over-dose, rape and seinfeldish
dialogs, and presents a few well-known men as Travolta, Keitel,
Roth, Walken and Stoltz. This biblical quote is spoken by the
Bad Mother-fucker himself, Samuel L. He says it every time he
has to off new men: "Here's the scene: When I guide the needy,
the poor, the shy, you, lewd son of seventy whores, try to get
in their way. The devil worshiper, indeed! Ohhhhhhh, I AM god...
and you're heading down to hell."
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Western Wall in Jerusalem, Israel =
Shrine? All Jews treasure it well. Amen.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 1999:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Michael Jordan's first motion picture =
Director ruins hit toon-film, "Space Jam".
SPAM CATEGORY, September 1999:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
No Working!!!!!
No Selling!
No Meetings!
No Dressing Up!
No Time Required!
No Telephone Calls!
No Running Around!
No Presentations!
No Face-To-Face Contact!
=
No Uncaring Internet Felons!!!!!
No "Quick-Cash, So Log On" Conning!
No "test ignore" Genre!
No Fraudulent Deception!
No Misrepresentation!
No Spam Allowed!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sylvia
Plath: Words
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 1999:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mental Disorder =
Lose mind, retard?
SPAM CATEGORY, November 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Under Bill S.1618 TITLE III passed by the 105th U.S. Congress
this letter Can Not be Considered unsolicited as long as I include
a way to be removed. To be removed from future mailings Free,
simply respond with "REMOVE" in the subject line. This
will permanently remove you from all future mailing from this
e-mail address. I promptly honor all remove requests. PLEASE SEND
REMOVES TO: larryv@england.com
=
Ironically, we hide behind constitutional laws.
Some justice - they indict presidents, but set spammers free...
So what are you going to do about it? It's a free country, love.
Mind your business and leave spamming for spammers...
End it? No problem! Send a letter to: evil.modem.muggers@fromhell
(include an irreversible cheque for 1,681,150 dollars in the envelope)
From "Devil's Little Helpers",
Mr. Larry V Smelly
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Garbageman =
Bag manager.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 1999:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Robert Schumann =
Brahms' Nocturne.
SPAM CATEGORY, December 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
* BARELY LEGAL TEEN SLUTS
* LIVE SEX WITH SOUND
* OVER SIX THOUSAND VIDEO FEEDS
* UNLIMITED FREE VIDEO SEX
* HARDCORE CELEBRITY PICS
* TENS OF 1000s OF FREE HARDCORE PICTURES
THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORLD'S BEST PORN SITE !!
YOU WANT IT ..... WE GOT IT .... ALL HERE - E V E R Y T H I N
G !!
WE SURE HOPE YOU ARE CUMMING TO SEE US!
WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS CLICK!!
http://www.freeyellow.com/members6/deplace1/index.html
=
* VIOLATION OF INNOCENT GIRLS
* EXCRUCIATING SCREAMS
* DIRTY MOVIES
* LOVELESS INTERCOURSE
* UNREAL VIPs FUCK
* EXTREMELY CHEAP PHOTOS
To low-duty buttholes:
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
The world will be better if you didn't exist:
Where I read my messages without 161,000 lists...
Where Spam is beef...
Where children experience life, not torture...
Where twits get offed and go with god...
Where there is peace.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 1999:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
American President John Fitzgerald Kennedy =
Crazy sniper named Lee ended JFK? No, ain't right.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hieronymous Bosch's "Creation of the World", "Paradise", "Garden of Earthly Delights" and "Hell". =
Oh, this is a lewd, colorful triptych of a mad Hollander: "Genesis", "Eden", "Abhorrent Orgy", "Hades".
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The battle for Elian's custody =
Oh stay, little fostered Cuban!
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Winner of a Beauty Contest =
A fine butt to screw, anyone?
SPAM CATEGORY, January 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You Can Easily Stop "Incurable" Herpes Outbreaks Now =
Ah, Can You Eat A Boner, Silly Web-Poster? Suck Our Penis!
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Herpes Simplex II, otherwise known as genital herpes, is caused
by a virus that normally remains dormant in the body until it
"wakes up", replicates in mass and causes an outbreak,
usually during times of stress or lowered immune system vitality.
The Herpes viruses are easily transmitted but according to current
generally accepted medical science these viruses still can't be
killed.
=
Web Epidemic, AKA Spammerisis Syndrome: A brain tumor usually
found in perverted computer nerds, who truly think they can harass
us and take our money. Visible signs: Wit loss, sinister eyes,
sexual stimulation while staring at Pamela Lee's tits.
This spam-sending illness can't be cured till every E-Mail harasser,
eccentric pervert and bullshit geek (i.e. you) is castrated, electrocuted
etc.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
New York, USA =
You wankers!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ill Old Man Wins Lottery =
Twenty million dollars.
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Christmas Present =
Santa's sperm? I retch!
SPAM CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
<seecups@excite.com>
Best Flesh in the West Found at this Tasty Site!!
No Bull At This Site--Just Raw and Pure Pleasure! Over 18 Only
http://3626174393/Pluto/aarne
=
I wish a jury of 12 poor, sexually used teens will sentence that
obese pervert pest, cut his testicles and then put 1,837,439,366
tarantulas up his fat bottom.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
France's Capital =
Clean fact: Paris.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The
Ten Commandments, each anagrammed separately.
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wearing a toupee =
I tape a wee rug on.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Pope's speech in Israel, grieving for the Holocaust dead =
The perished group? He apologised for the Vatican's silence.
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Toilet Brush =
Shit-trouble!
SPAM CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's an idea... (81058)
If you think FREE PORN on the net is hard to find, think again...
We've got thousands of FREE XXX pics and FREE VIDEOS waiting for
you!
=
To (81058):
I *think* you pissed off the wrong person.
I won't visit an XXX site even if I had gonorrhea and you had
a cure.
Here's a different ending: Take off!!!
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, March 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
TRANSYLVANIA (IT) - Two attractive young women have disappeared
while vacationing in the Transylvanian Mountains. Their garments
have been found stained with partially digested blood and bat
and human saliva. This and similar occurrences are causing international
concern. Detective Iulia Popescu of the Transylvanian Police has
concluded that the missing people are now slaves to the infamous
Count Dracula.
Does this news article frighten you?
=
TEL-AVIV, ISRAEL - An unsuspecting (and cute) twenty-year-old opened his mail, only to discover tedious spam (Aaaahhh!) about an undead pervert in a Romanian castle. Tel-Aviv PD has confirmed it's a product of "Cruel net-thieves, biting the world-wide-web's veins, feeding on the innocent and persuading others ('WEALTH! CASH!!!') that electronic harassing is a normal activity that results in an actual financial uprise."
Will this anagram convince you to not annoy me again?
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle's The Hound of the Baskervilles =
Lurid story of hero Sherlock and an evil beast he hunts.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said he has prostate cancer =
Oh, US Senate chair campaign's hard? Drop it! You are ill!
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Genital Warts =
Rinse twat, gal!
SPAM CATEGORY, April 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
HOW TO MAKE MONEY IN THE COMMODITY MARKETS WITHOUT LOSING SLEEP
=
You're mocking me with 'Hot, New' spam, idiot. Sell that to some
monkey.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, April 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's what our customers say...
Testimonial # 1 - I knew having a Merchant Account would increase my sales, But never thought it would be so great. In addition in being able to take major credit cards, I can also do real time credit card processing on the internet and receive orders while I am Sleeping. It's awsome! I encourage every serious business owner to get one. Thanks. M.B./MI
Testimonial # 2 - " Being a homebased business owner, no one would approve me, until this came my way. I am more than greatful. Within 10 days I had my Merchant Account set up. I am more than pleased with the 24 hr. customer service. My business has sky rocketted because I now can accept credit card orders. " Oscar/FL
=
Here are 2 rambling idiots we abused:
Sorry Ass I - "I'm Bill Gates and Merchant Account screwed me over. I used to be an attractive man with no PC or internet knowledge, then those cursed Merchant Account weasels said a computer career would be a great job. Sure... Now I'm a moronic, eerie liar on trial, and Microsoft has been repossessed."
Sorry Ass II - "My name is Bill Clinton and I'm the US president. I used to be a happy man with a loving spouse, then Merchant Account suggested me to hire Monica Lewinsky, a big-mouthed bitch. Now my marriage is ruined, of course, the country indicts me, the white house receives 41,120 swastikas a day, even my weirdo vice Al Gore can't talk to me... Thanks, cunts!"
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
City of Nazareth, Israel =
Christ-zone? A fairy tale!
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Inflammatory Bowel Disease =
My ass blew fire, I moaned a lot.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, May 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's how we prepare our e-mail lists:
1. We clean and eliminate all duplicates.
2. Next, we use a filter list of 400+ words/phrases to clean even more. No address with inappropriate or profane wording survive!
3. Then, a special filter file is used to eliminate the 'Web Poisoned' e-mail addresses from the list. Our EXCLUSIVE system reduced these 'poison' addresses to near zero. You may have seen CD's with 30, 40, 50 million addresses, not only do they contain may undeliverable addresses, but most are notorious for millions of these 'poisoned' email addresses.
4. Next we used our private database of thousands of known 'extremists' and kicked off every one we could find. NOTE: We maintain the world's largest list of individuals and groups that are opposed to any kind of commercial e-marketing... they are gone, nuked!
5. We sorted the list into easy-to-manage packets of 20,000 addresses in a simple text (.txt) format.
6. All domains have been verified as valid.
=
Here's how to prepare Sweet and Sour Spammer:
1. Hunt the eerie little shit using a dollar bill as bait.
2. Next, kill it! Use whichever method you want: suffocation, decapitation, poison, AIDS or even 500 stabs to the kidneys.
3. Time to fill our dead spammer!
Slice it open using a chain saw and remove insides with a spoon.
Fill the empty cadaver with EXPLOSIVES, a zillion dead red-ants
and fleas, mayo-dip, fried sea-weeds, turkey dressing, some dried
olives, dental floss, a handful of poison oak leaves, deer excrement
and lard for some extra aftertaste.
4. Next, make the sauce: Boil some red wine in a pot; gradually add 40cc of your own spit (Sweet) and pee (Sour). Slowly stir for 40 seconds. NOTE: Add some more beverages (like soda) or even standard water to maintain moisture.
5. Insert the dead stiff in the oven for 200 minutes in 3000F degrees, or wait 'till the oven explodes. Finally, pour sauce and sprinkle some sesame seeds.
6. Serve cold to your sworn enemies.
LONG CATEGORY, May 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
You will not hear from us again; as a matter of fact, you do not
need to ask us to delete your name from the list since we will
not contact you ever again.
=
There once was a looter from Scarsdale
Who sent uninformative-ad e-mails
Until I got a gun
Tore you yet-a-new-one
And let my cat fuck you, too. ("Soft tail!")
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The big ocean-liner, 'The Titanic' =
Hit one iceberg in the Atlantic.
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome =
No medicine? Medics query, may find cure.
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Male Genitals =
Gentle salami.
SPAM CATEGORY, June 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE IN CASE OF ANY
MAIL PROBLEMS!
=
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're a porn-spammer ninny
And slime, so FUCK YOU!
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, June 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The State vs. Mortimer I. Looty
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
E-mail Address =
Dread Melissa!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mel Gibson, "The Patriot" =
He is promoting battle!
SPAM CATEGORY, July 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
No competition, no inventory, no product hassles. =
No spam, no loony idiots, no 'Nice Hot Cunt' perverts.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, July 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
|
"Smooth," Santana Featuring Rob Thomas |
= |
"Mooch," Wantanal Featuring Rob Toomuch |
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mary Magdalene =
Legendary ma'am.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Victoria's Secret Catalogue =
Cool, cause I crave great tits.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, July 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Victoria's Secret Catalogue =
Got actual erotica services.
Cool, cause I crave great tits.
Our static, erotic cleavages.
It's our erotic cleavages act.
Covet a girl: "A cute, erotic ass!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2000:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Self-gratification =
It is carnal, I get off.
SPAM CATEGORY, August 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SAVED MY LIFE!!!!!
I KNOW THAT THIS SOUNDS RIDICULOUS BUT IT IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH!!
=
YOU ARE THE SADDEST, MOST HIDEOUS STUPID LITTLE SHIT-FACE EVER
FOUND!!!
I KNOW THIS IS AN INSULT BUT BET IT'S THE TRUTH!!
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, August 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Management Software
I'd like to introduce to you the company rules and regulation
system that a company need and has been proved very useful in
China as follows (this company rules and regulation system is
one of the items that presented above I can provide the company
management consulting to you).
These items covers all the factors in a company management that
you can make a broad choice from them and I'd like meet you in
your office to fulfill these items in detail for you.
The management software is based on the whole factors in the process
of management.The parts of it interact each other, make up a integrity
, a system .It is not only based on strengthful theory, but also
based on abundant applicability. It is proved to be practicable
and efficient.According to the management software ,you can exactly
advance the management standard, and it help you realize your
company strategy and your company goal.
Temporary managing client(temporary general manager£(c)¡¢company
management software (e.g.company rules and regulation system)¡¢company
management consulting service and other services are my company
business items.Especilly the company management software (e.g.
company rules and regulation system), which I would like to introduce
to you, is the primary consulting service.The company management
software has been proved to be applicable and efficient according
to being used in China.It can work in short time, and our company's
first tenet is serving you£¬the charge is reasonable
and acceptable. We promise in the honor of our company. We ensure
the quality of the service. Welcome to contact me in any time
whenever you need me. This is my honor to serve you here in Beijing
China.
Looking forward to receiving your message.
=
Mr. Boring Bill, bugging spammer,
My reasonably good temper and my tragic heart condition convinced
me to spare you from a more eagerly tense reply to a cocky, crappy,
inane, vacantly tacky BS e-mail you sent me. Instead, please accept
some funny anecdotes your (remaining) clients mentioned about
yo groggy, very crummy, big-tummy, piggy, blubbery, provocative
pervert, ugly anomaly of a mama:
client One: "Yo mama is so fat, she had dinner at McDonald's
once, and contributed nine more digits to the 'Burgers Served'
counter."
client Two: "Yo mama is so fat, I wanted to dip my cock in
her the other night, so I rolled her in flour to see where her
cunt is."
client Three: "Yo mama is so fat, NASA declared her as a
second moon."
client Four: "Yo mama is so fat, you were born with a dent
in your head, cause your horny papa didn't know she was pregnant."
client Five: "Yo mama is so fat, your papa jumped on her
once... they had to scrape him off the ceiling."
client Six: "Yo mama is so fat, she considers a wheel-o-cheese
as a health food."
client Seven: "Yo mama is so fat, she gave your puppy a hug
once, and it was never found again."
client Eight: "Yo mama is so fat, you pay another mortgage
for her butt."
client Nine: "Yo mama is so fat, nineteen randy campers could
use her panties as a tent."
client Ten: "Yo mama is so fat, an elephant gave *her* peanuts
once."
client Eleven: "Yo mama is so fat, I've been in her cunt
one time and realized I can't scream..."
client Twelve: "Yo mama is so fat, she won a 'Springer Beauty
Queen' title."
client Thirteen: "Yo mama is so fat, she can pick up a cent
using her tits."
client Fourteen: "Yo mama is so fat, she once went to the
top of the leaning tower of Pisa, and the constructors cancelled
their cement plan."
More are at:
http://www.kgb.gvr/comp/Online-Entertainment/GiantCuntClan/topten.cgi
Get bent, you dumb mugger.
Mey K.
SPAM CATEGORY, September 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Jack be Nimble
Jack be Quick
To See the Hottest Porn
You Have to Click
http://www.smutserve.com
=
Jerk be Shitty
Jerk be Sick
Love-Act? Cum-Bath?
No! Shove a Stick!
http://www.CuteEloquentPoem.com
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, September 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
NOTE!
REPORT #2 will explain you the best methods for transmitting large
amounts of emails, and will tell you where to locate free software
designed for sending bulk email, and free software designed to
harvest email addresses off the internet, giving you an inexhaustible
supply of potential buyers. Moreover, this report will indicate
you where to obtain email lists. The greater your number of programs
sold, the greater the amount of money for yourself and those who
are already involved in the program. If you make money, I make
money, therein every possible advantage is given to you in the
hope you succeed.
=
So... let me stress my deep resentment to a born-pervert, sex-offender, most revolting example of no self control, dull spammer's rotten stuff:
How do I hate you? Let me count the ways:
I hate you more than words can ever say
I hate you every single rising day
I hate your frigging swollen pig-like grin
I hate your gut and all it holds within
I hate your ever-smelling vermin feet
I hate all of the kinds of food you eat
I hate you at far mountains, ever-steep
I hate you in old oceans, ever-deep
I hate your bleeding feeble web of lies...
I dream and hope to see you rot and die.
(M. Kraus, borrowing a small part from E. Barrett Browning's poem.)
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
President Milosevic =
Voters discipline me.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Three
anagrams of A Daughter of Eve by Christina Georgina Rossetti
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner =
Try a cartoon duel where none die!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mel Carnahan, the Governor of Missouri =
Great crash - mourn him, for no one's alive.
LONG CATEGORY, October 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Winter
Nightfall by Robert Bridges
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
To revenge =
Or get even?
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US Elections =
Count these lies.
SPAM CATEGORY, November 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
OLD FRIENDS
OLD CLASSMATES
MILITARY BUDDIES
DEADBEAT DADS & MOMS
SIBLING'S
RELATIVES
LOST LOVED ONES
WITNESS LOCATING
=
LAME MORONS,
SAD CRETINS,
BAD-ASS IDIOTS,
BRAIN-DEAD CLODS,
EVIL DOLTS,
VAIN DWEEBS,
SILLY OLD GITS,
FALSE NET-DUMMIES:
Get lost.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Justness, Sagaciousness, Abstinence, Fortitude, Faith, Hope and
Love - The Seven Godly Virtues.
=
Pride, Covetousness, Lust, Sofa-Sloth, Envy, Rage, A DUI/Just
Being Fat- The Seven Theodicean Sins.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Palm Beach, Florida =
Al? Bad place for him...
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
I'm Otto, German Nazi lad,
Read plays by Bertolt Brecht;
Pray Hitler is alive each night -
Shout "O, Ya!" nude, erect.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2000:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Biggest and Most Creative Painters of All Times =
Manet: Gentle 'Barmaid''s a top sight - it's so reflective!
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Amebic Dysentery =
Scene may be dirty...
SPAM CATEGORY, December 2000:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The more E-mails you send out, the more cash you will receive! =
Sure, cheesy shite... Come over, I'll mutilate your wee manhood!
LONG CATEGORY, December 2000:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Charlie's Angels (2000)
Directed by Joseph McGinty Nichol
The Tagline: Get some action
The Cast
Cameron Diaz .... Natalie Cook
Drew Barrymore .... Dylan Sanders
Lucy Liu .... Alex Munday
Bill Murray .... Bosley
Sam Rockwell .... Eric Knox
Tim Curry .... Roger Corwin
Kelly Lynch .... Vivian Wood
Crispin Glover .... The Thin Man
John Forsythe .... Charlie (voice)
Matt LeBlanc .... Jason Gibbons
LL Cool J .... Mr. Jones
Tom Green (III) .... Chad
Luke Wilson .... Pete
Sean Whalen .... Pasqual
Tim Dunaway .... The Flight Attendant
Alex Trebek .... Himself
Raleigh Wilson .... The Reform Officer
Mark Ryan (I) .... The Fencing Opponent
Bobby Ore .... The Driving Instructor
Guy Oseary .... The D.J.
Joe Duer .... The UPS Delivery Guy
Matthew Frauman .... a Red Star Systems Techie
Reginald C. Hayes .... a Red Star Systems Techie (as Reggie Hayes)
Melissa McCarthy .... Doris
Robert J. Stephenson .... The Red Star Systems Director (as Bob
Stephenson)
Ned Bellamy .... The Red Star Systems Director
Raymond Patterson .... The Director's Buddy
Bjorn Flor .... The Red Star Systems Security Guard
Gaven E. Lucas .... a Boy
Michael Barryte .... a Boy
Andrew Wilson (III) .... Corwin's Driver
Brandon Williams (I) .... The Assistant Director (as Branden Williams)
Michiko Nishiwaki .... a Stuntwoman
Frank Marocco .... an Accordionist
Darrell Pfingsten .... a Partygoer
Jim Calloway .... a Bouncer (as Jimmy Calloway)
Kevin Grevioux .... a Bouncer
Michael Papajohn .... a Bathroom Thug
Jim Palmer .... a Shooter
Shawn Woods .... a Shooter
Kenny Endoso .... a Getaway Driver
Tom Garner .... a Getaway Driver
Isaac C. Singleton Jr..... a Kidnapper
Paul Eliopoulos .... a Knox Thug
Tim Gilbert .... a Knox Thug
Al Goto .... a Knox Thug
Steven Ito .... a Knox Thug
Felipe Savahge .... a Knox Thug
Mike Smith (I) .... a Knox Thug
Jerry Trimble .... a Knox Thug
Jennifer Cole (I) .... Corwin's Assistant
Sylvie Hoffer .... Karen McDougal (cameo)
The Writing credits (WGA)
Ivan Goff (The TV series) and
Ben Roberts (III) (The TV series)
Ryan Rowe (written by) and
Ed Solomon (I) (written by) and
John August (written by)
Produced by Drew Barrymore
Joseph M. Caracciolo (executive)
Amanda Goldberg (associate)
Leonard Goldberg
Nancy Juvonen
Aaron Spelling (executive)
Betty Thomas (I) (executive)
Jenno Topping (executive)
=
Now, I DO know the year 2000 barely gave us any brilliant cinematic creations, and Oscar nominations are very rare, but good god - who gave THIS crummy movie an OK? Who went to watch this 'booby trap' (no pun intended), and why?
Twenty one explanations are given to why Charlie's Angels is a major box-office hit:
1) A subliminal message was clearly inserted in the groovy theme song by Destiny's Child, as the young, sexy band members repeatedly sang the movie's name in the video while dancing around in mini-skirts... OK, maybe it wasn't really *subliminal*.
2) Adult movie-goers are clearly ten-year-old fools in disguise.
3) Thousands bet this crappy movie is more retarded than the series; they had to watch it to settle the score.
4) Tim Curry and Bill Murray's rare, hilarious dialogs... just kidding.
5) Bold, uproarious jabs at King Lear... just kidding again.
6) Cameron Diaz's perky, gorgeous jugs.
7) Lucy Liu's long, sexy legs.
8) Drew Barrymore's... ah... Drew Barrymore's... It can't be her jokes, can it?!
9) Scenes where the girls wear, say or explore something promiscuous... all six-hundred of them.
10) Nothing spells jolly good fun like watching major babes box, jog, crawl in muck, cock a gun, flex, wriggle, climb a rope, talk trash, take bombs apart, perform exact Kung Fu moves, wag a butt, make love, nap, bowl, fix a radiator, groom, bathe, crap, order a cab and fry eggs - IN BLACK LATEX!!!
11) American TV's winter offerings.
12) I recall this is exactly the same America that chose G.W. Bush Jr. as president over Gore.
13) Poetic justice and God are no more.
14) The premiere was on a very rainy (or very foggy) day.
15) It holds the 'Number of Cars Totalled in One Scene' record.
16) Cameron clearly invited all of her ex-lays to watch it; that can explain at least ninety percents of the net income.
17) American cinema never really recovered from the rock-hard IQ standard set by 'Titanic'.
18) Director J. 'McG' Nichol kept getting his 'Action!' and 'Run in slow motion!' calls mixed up.
19) Women secretly enjoy chauvinistic junk.
20) Both Robert Downey Jr. and Jar Jar Binks have no acting roles in it.
21) Horny bums just aren't very picky when they have to jump-start their Jerry...
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, December 2000:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Biggest and Most Creative Painters of All Times =
Da Vinci: Artist left protégés the best gem, 'Mona Lisa'.
Van Gogh: Became mad; titles 'Self Portrait' - it is tense.
Michelangelo: Artist's 'Pieta' met finest, bravest god.
Matisse: Five Trotting Girls became the top 'La Danse'.
Monet: Aged master's soft 'Lilies' brighten, captivate.
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Antidemocratic =
Dictator came in.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Metallica's Albums =
Musical meatballs!
SPAM CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, materials
and opportunity to become financially independent.
=
A Nice Ode
Shit-I'm-Creepy Vermin-Food,
Please pal, I ain't in the mood.
Ads again?! Leave or find, nut,
My foot in yer ninny butt!
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, January 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The site will answer these questions:
What if my broker does not understand this?
How is this different from any other trading system?
How successful is this program?
What does it cost to subscribe?
What do I get for my money?
What if my broker does not want to learn this method?
Can you explain how you calculate these numbers?
=
Six best queries this odd, shitty site of moronic mom-suckers
ignored:
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why are gas-station bathrooms bolted? Do they fear someone'll
clean them?
Why don't cows shrink when it rains?
Can't 'phonetic' be spelled that way?
Why term it *life* insurance?
Why do you goat-butts-stuffers nitwits fume me so?!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The National Gallery =
Hail only elegant art.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, January 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's look at some of the top-grossing cinematic features in the USA: =
'Titanic': The film gets cute as Rose lets go of one Romeo at a sunk ship...
'Forrest Gump': So, a nice stooge, a *fool*, is the luckiest man in the state?!
'Home Alone': Nice tot gets (then uses) gifts - mutilates a pair of crooks!
'The Lion King': Animators use computer tool-sets; see 'Cat Fights a Foe'.
'E.T.': Focus on a cute alien's task to go "Phone Home". I stress it - great film!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Several treatments of a pair of acrostic poems,
one by Carroll to a friend and one by Poe's ill wife to her husband.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Charles Dickens's 'Oliver Twist' =
The classic writer's kids' novel!
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Snow White's Nasty Adventures', The X-Rated Video =
Sexy tart does in-and-out with the seven dwarves!
SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
vibrators,
stimulators,
bondage fantasy,
lotions & oils,
videos & dvds,
erotic clothing,
pleasure kits,
toys for men & women.
=
bits of dirt,
filthy cat,
naked-moron pics,
stale mayo,
'Survivor' videos,
grannie's undies,
Worst Motto balloons,
Lego sets.
LONG SPAM CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
T E S T I M O N I A L S *******
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2001:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with: [An 18th century composer]
Giovanni Pergolesi =
I love opera singing!
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, February 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Did you know only these three motion pictures won the five most valuable and prestigious Academy Awards? =
'It Happened One Night': Mousy runaway heiress (diva Claudette Colbert) soaks a wonderful movie's witty mood.
'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest': Wild guy tries to start a mutiny in a madhouse. Movie is hard and bawdy, people!
'The Silence of the Lambs': A murderous, devouring Lecter (Hopkins) dupes a woody SWAT team on a way to divinity.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
George
Meredith: Love in the Valley
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A polygraph test =
Goal: Trap the spy.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Pirated Songs? =
Napster is God.
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Ten-Inch Dick =
Nice and thick!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Michelangelo Merisi Caravaggio =
Sheer magical image via coloring.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Space Station Mir =
Estimate crash point.
ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Displaying all of the five nominees for Best Director: =
Ang Lee: Inspired story (of Chinese form) of livid battle.
Stephen Daldry: Terrific movie of goofiness in ballet.
Ridley Scott: Offensive prime in Flesh & Bone "Gladiator".
Steven Soderbergh: Film lady "Erin" - life to soap-fiction.
Steven Soderbergh: Position one film ideally - "Traffic".
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US president so likely yelps:
"O Mother! I'm in need!
Give only twenty dollars - 'kay, just one -
I really must have weed!"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Vincent Van Gogh's Self Portrait With Severed Ear =
Provocative strength, as ever, in the self-drawing.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic =
Envious cops storm fiend's roomy Belgrade villa.
SPAM CATEGORY, April 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Work at Home Network with our company was reviewed and published
- Wall Street Journal Business Week, Home PC, Forbes
=
Web-horror Norenwood Jake
Sent himself spam by mistake;
Server blew up-
Uh-oh, screwed up!
One client was what it would take!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Spamagram: The Raven
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Late Author Douglas Adams =
Made us laugh too hard at tales!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The British author Douglas Adams died suddenly of a heart attack =
A sad, absurd end of a truly mad lad. A toast to "The Hitch Hiker's Guide"!
SPAM CATEGORY, May 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM:
By the time you have read the enclosed program, you may have concluded that an amateur could not have created such a legal program that works.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I had a profitable business for 10 years. Then in 1979 my business began falling off. I was doing the same things that were previously successful for me, but it wasn't working. Finally, I figured it out. It wasn't me, it was the economy. Inflation and recession had replaced the stable economy that had been with us since 1945.
I don't have to tell you what happened to the unemployment rates...because many of you know from first hand experience. There were more failures and bankruptcies than ever before.
The middle class was vanishing. Those who knew what they were doing invested wisely and moved up. Those who did not, including those who never had anything to save or invest, were moving down into the ranks of the poor. As the saying goes, "THE RICH GET RICHER AND THE POOR GET POORER." The traditional methods of making money will never allow you to "move up" or "get rich", inflation will see to that.
=
AN ENRAGED RESPONSE TO THIS UNFORGIVABLE WEB OFFER:
Hi, unworthy beggar. By the time you read this my cugine may already be on his way to your apartment to gut you and then dance on the mutilated corpse.
Let me mention my name, fucker. I'm Don Tito "The Gravedigger" Vampari. I'm Italian and have a very loving, real *devoted* family. We settled here in the United States to sell, uh, wool-clips and nose-powder.
Now, only 'cause Tito takes care of business every day doesn't mean Tito can't surf the net a little bit at night, right? Wrong. See, some fucking idiot gets in Tito's way when he surfs with his goomah and makes him unhappy - and datsa you.
Well, I'll be honest- we're no strangers to spam. Our dear friend and peer, Ton "The Velvet Glove" Reelilocco, the lord have mercy on his soul, explored the web-shakedowns occupation for a while. He forgot, however, that Vin "The Milkman" Eatcheerios had his hands on the whole web shit for ages. Now Ton has a pair of cement shoes and greets the fish from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
Wanna be a wise guy? Fuck off or I'll turn your pisello into my Rottweiler's lunch. COPPISH?!
Wrathful,
Don Vampari
LONG CATEGORY, May 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
THE APRIL ANAGRAMMY WINNERS
GENERAL
Richard Grantham:
Bottles of hydrogen peroxide
Good tip there for sexy blonde.
ENTERTAINMENT
Richard Grantham:
Oscar Wilde's "De Profundis" =
Prison life cued sad words.
TOPICAL
David Bourke:
The American spyplane =
Chinese play mean trap.
RUDE
Adrian Hickford:
Empty penis?
Yep, I'm spent.
SPAM
Richard Grantham:
!!!!!!P O R N O M A N I A!!!!!!
Fifty Naked Beauties!
LONG SPAM
Richard Grantham:
Hi! My name is Betty Wilson.
LONG
Larry Brash:
Two households, both alike in dignity
PEOPLE'S NAME
Jaybur:
M. Etienne de Silhouette =
The esteemed in outline.
OTHER NAME
Jaybur:
The Israeli Airline =
El Al: I rise in the air!
SET
Adrian Hickford:
Five classic authors of the horror genre whose take on life is
downright macabre and slightly loopy:
SPECIAL
James H. Young:
WHAT ARE THE HALLMARKS OF A GOOD ANAGRAM?
David Bourke:
Mambo No 5 - Lou Bega
Meyran Kraus:
We want to spend less time on the busy freeways
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE
Mike Keith:
He, Lewis, grabbed the vibrant role,
Assembled dreams and rhymes with glee,
But vowed that one most mighty goal:
Originality.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE AWARD FOR THE BEST NON-WINNING ANAGRAM
Don P. Fortier:
"Are you the Messiah?" =
"Ah, so true. Yes, I am He."
=
HOW TO WIN AN ANAGRAMMY
By Meyran K.
As I read the April results, I learned some handy hints:
GENERAL
Earthy humor is not necessarily Rude.
ENTERTAINMENT
Perfect grammar makes one's anagram rather memorable, as exhibited
here.
TOPICAL
The more relevant it is, the better; preferably about an item
inside a month.
RUDE
If it's not about a hard-on, try and force in 'Dildo' somehow.
SPAM
Angry and homicidal = Hilarious.
LONG SPAM
Segmentations are highly useful here.
LONG
Comment on a text thoroughly... Right, I'll do my best.
PEOPLE'S NAME and OTHER NAME
Three words: Keep it simple.
SET
Dead... Heck, just when I got the hang of it.
SPECIAL
James Y's 'gram: Self-reference, irony and group-insight are indeed
in fashion.
David B's 'gram: More group-insight here! This is definitely needed.
Mey K's 'gram: IMHO, I don't know why we let that childish prick show his heaps of crap in our group. And, like, get a *real* name, won't you?!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE
Just a wee poem, don't be afraid!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHOICE
Picked by Larry Brash, so brown-nosing that formidably kind-hearted
Dr. will probably help, along with a bribe of, uh, Israeli baklavas?...
In short, to achieve an award your 'gram has to be apt, plain, relevant, sectioned and self-aware.
So...?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dora
Sigerson: Ireland
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Royal Shakespeare Company =
One may appear there as Shylock.
SPAM CATEGORY, June 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS (tm) TANTRA PLEASURE SACRAMENT
Indeed; a HeavenSent Treasure of Pleasure!!
To entice your Passion,
To intrigue your Desire,
Enchantment's Rapture;
Sweet Vjestika Fire....
SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS EXTRAVAGANTLY INSPIRES AND ENHANCES:
*Penile & clitoral sensitivity
*Sensitivity to touch
*Desire to touch
*Desire to be touched
*Fantasy
*Lust
*Rapture
*Erogenous sensitivity
*Uninhibitedness
*Sexual courageousness
*Sexual gentleness and ferocity
SWEET VJESTIKA APHRODISIA DROPS(tm)
*Prolongs and intensifies foreplay;
*Prolongs and intensifies orgasm / climax;
*Inspires body, mind, spirit orgasm / climax;
*Inspires and enhances body, mind, spirit communion betwixt lovers;
*Inspires and enhances the enchantment / glamourie of Love....
Sweet Vjestika is a Chimera Tantric proprietary glamourie / enchantment Fantasia Amalgamation for men and women, comprised of high ratio extracts derived from the following Herbs of Power which are master blended to emphasis extravaganza body, mind, spirit erogenous sensory awareness and gourmet carnal delight.
=
SPAMMERS' PISS-IN-A-CAN (RIP): NOW WITH EXTRA FELINE EXCREMENT!
Oh, man! Just sip it for some superior DeathBed Orgasm-Spasms!!
Sir, drop your Finesse!
Miss, don't be so Prissy!
For a real gross Surprise
Just drink Something Pissy!
SPAMMERS' PISS-IN-A-CAN INSPIRES:
*Toe deformity
*Red urine
*Heavy wheezing
*Foot-ache
*Regurgitation
*Testicle swelling
*The bent feeling of outrageous love towards Chevy Chase
*The rotten taste of death
*Excruciating pain
*Your expiring and our rejoicing
*Net-serenity regeneration
PISS-IN-A-CAN IS ALSO:
*Vitamin-free
*Unsweetened
*Vital for a hit-job or a personal vendetta
*Environmentally friendly
*Available in pink!
Piss-in-a-can is the latest from Kraus Spam Termination Co., the same that introduced the Web Wanker's Spider Egg and the E-mail Cretin's Deadly Donut. It contains eighteen rare germs, dangerous sedatives AND awesome laxatives, natural murderers as viper venom, strychnine and poison-oak sap and chemical toxins as arsenic trioxide! Don't be tentative! Just push the cap and have a blast, and recommend it to your friends so you low spam-idiots will cease to exist.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Diet Pepsi Cola =
It's acid, people!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Victor Hugo's 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' =
Savour the unmatched gothic French book.
SPAM CATEGORY, July 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Take a minute to fill out the simple form below and receive a
quote comparing the best values from among hundreds of the nation's
top insurance companies!
First Name:
Last Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip:
Phone:
Best Time To Call:
Email:
Gender:
-Male
-Female
Date of Birth:
Type of Insurance:
Insurance Amount:
Do You Currently Own An Annuity?
-Yes
-No
Would You Be Interested in Annuity Information?
-Yes
-No
Height:
Weight:
Tobacco Use:
-Never smoked or used nicotine
-Quit less than 1 yr ago
-Quit 1-3 yrs ago
-Quit 3-5 yrs ago
-Quit over 5 yrs ago
-Currently smoke cigarettes
-Other nicotine use-cigars/pipe/chew/patch
Health Status:
-Excellent: trim and athletic, no medications
-Good: no infirmities and no medications
-Fair: slightly overweight or taking medication
-Poor: have/had a serious health condition
Health conditions?
-Yes
-No
Prescription medications?
-Yes
-No
Do you engage in any hazardous activities? (i.e.scuba, skydiving,
private pilot, etc.)
-Yes
-No
Did your parents or siblings have heart disease or cancer prior
to age 60?
-Yes
-No
=
Quoted from the NRA Application Questionnaire:
Name:
Tattoos:
Farm/Oilfield:
Age:
-Under 15
-Over 63
Education:
-High School
-Other?!?!
Monthly Gun-Budget:
-Over a hundred G's
-Over nine hundred G's
-Unlimited
Are You a Man?
-Yes
-Shit, yes
-No, but I'm becomin' one next week
Are You a Republican?
-Yes
-Sure
-Obviously
Complete this sentence: "Immigrants are..."
-Quite sweet
-A menace to our country
-Target practice
Complete this sentence: "A paranoid is..."
-Insane
-An imaginative man
-Always prepared
Most Prized Possession:
-A boycotted dynamite load
-10 D.U.I. reports
-A dagger collection
-A '53 Dodge
A Movie/TV Icon:
-Rocky I
-Rocky II
-Rocky IV
-The Three Stooges
Which of these phrases is 'Politically Incorrect'?
-Nosy Chinks
-Spotty Niggers
-Pansy-Ass Faggots
-Voodoo Indians
-Lovely Nazis
-Gee, ain't nuttin' here politely incorrected
You can intermit a theft by...
-Alertin' a squad car
-Needlin' each of the bastard's eyes
-Forcin' the demon to eat his own gonads
It's wrong to hunt...
-If the animal is unique
-If I run out of ammunition
-This isn't a realistic situation.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Pietro Mascagni =
Isn't opera magic?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Peace
by Henry Vaughan, anagrammed into paraphrases of three existing poems also related to roses.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Butler Yeats =
Sit, write me a lullaby.
GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Nude Modelling =
Indulge old men.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The World Trade Center Towers in Manhattan, New York City =
Ah, went down in the worst terror attack recently; many die.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Renaissance Painter Michelangelo Buonarroti =
A genuine Roman creator - labor in the Sistine Chapel!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
[A selection of Caravaggio-related anagrams.]
Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio =
I color image in grave, magical shade.
O, each allegoric image is raving mad.
Mad vision? Ah, image allegoric grace.
Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'Judith and Holofernes' =
Oh, a vein's ejaculating, flooding her, as her old maid grimaces.
Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'David and Goliath' =
'A Clad Child Removing a Giant Rival's Head' is a good image.
Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Entombment of Christ' =
Ah, face highest, tragic moment - 'Immortal Savior Being Enclosed'.
Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Conversion of Saint Paul' =
One eager horse clumps along at a magical vision of a divine Christ.
Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio's 'The Crucifixion of Saint Peter' =
Ah, massive piece of a grim execution. Again, terrific colors and light!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
US Strikes Taliban =
Is Kabul resistant?
SPAM CATEGORY, October 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Our program simply involves the folding and processing of pamphlets.
YOU WILL RECEIVE A FULL $1.00 FOR EACH AND EVERY PAMPHLET THAT
YOU PROCESS! What do we mean by process? It's simple...
FIRST: You will neatly fold the provided preprinted single-sided (8 1/2 by 11 inch) pamphlets into thirds [The pamphlet that you will be processing will be provided to you and will be printed on regular 20 lb. (8-1/2 by 11) inch paper.
SECOND: You will neatly insert the folded pamphlets into the pre-addressed, postage paid envelopes [These envelopes will be sent directly to your home, dorm or apartment with customers' names and addresses already printed on the envelopes along with postage already affixed to the envelopes].
THIRD: Lick and seal these envelopes and then send them out, directly to the customers.
=
Hello Mr. Services and may your cave collapse,
I'm self-employed, middle-old people. Though I despise your oppressive country deepfully, your spam letter positively caught my eyeballs. Since I, as well, prepare many envelopes presently, I appeal, Mr. Services, to swap some odd tips. Preferredly, I love to learn how to spot stupid spelling and how to powder the paper more splendidly.
Now this other thing to tell. Despite you're repelling fart, the love to terror is evident. I then hand in the capacity of butler down in my bunker. The services are to fold tights, test bombshells and pamper infants. The wages can be standard then degraded. Dental plan, sand beds, hot wind, fond sheep, smallpox for the children!
I should wait when you accept.
Death to most things,
'The Devil' Bin Laden
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Virginia
Woolf's suicide note to her husband Leonard
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Search for Osama Bin Laden Proves Difficult =
A darn problem - US forces fail to find his cave!
SPAM CATEGORY, November 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Question: Where do I get this New credit File from?
Answer: That's a secret and you will find out once you purchase
my kit. But what I can tell you is that my secret method is 100%
legal, 100% ethical, and best of all 100% GUARANTEED!
Question: How many people have have used your method and have
had success?
Answer: I have sent out over 3600 orders so far and have not had
anyone return this information because they were unable to open
a new credit file using my secret method.
Question: Are there any other fees involved after I purchase
your kit?
Answer: Your out of pocket expense will be around $20.00 more
to get your new credit file which is a processing charge and that
is it. And this is a one time fee.
Question: How long does it take for me to receive my information?
Answer: You will receive your information by U.S. Mail within
7 business days after you receive your order. We strive to mail
out all orders within 3 days, but sometimes, we get backlogged
with orders. We guarantee that you'll receive your order within
7 business days though!
=
Question: Why the fuck do these idiots try to convince me to
buy their turds when I obviously won't?
Answer: Curiously enough, they wouldn't care if you will never
send them money. They have enough resources to take care of their
future; Too bad - now they are purely concerned with the mutilation
of the web.
Question: Should I ignore them?
Answer: Why, you shouldn't! In fact, anagrams of these pathetic
letters are barrels of fun!
Question: Is it true the male spammers have microscopic genitals?
Answer: It is, my dear, you're very clever! Their sorry woodies
are of wee measurements - some are even without any signs of sexual
organs! To review a recent study, a web-idiot's dick length will
be roughly 0.0001207% of the average piece.
Question: I've decided to slay one. Could you guide me, please?
Answer: Sure! First, try and find their hideout, usually a basement
or a video arcade. Once captivated, behead them with a sword.
For anyone residing abroad I think a hitman is in order. I know
of at least two in Australia, so please ring me at 1-700-6003-0301.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Seven Eleven Incorporated =
Open it and never ever close!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Everlast:
What It's Like
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2001:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Blue Period of Picasso =
Oh, pictures of pale bodies.
SPAM CATEGORY, December 2001:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mother of a 15 year old boy was cleaning and putting laundry
away when she came across a large brown paper bag that was suspiciously
buried beneath some clothes and a skateboard in the back of her
15-year-old son's closet. Nothing could have prepared her for
the shock she got when she opened the bag and found it was full
of cash; five dollar bills, twenties, fifties and hundreds - all
neatly rubber-banded in labeled piles.
"My first thought was that he had robbed a bank," says the 41-year-old woman, "There was over $71,000 dollars in that bag\'85.. that's more than my husband earns in a year." The woman immediately called her husband at the car dealership where he worked to tell him what she'd discovered. He came home right away and they drove together to the boy's school and picked him up. Little did they suspect that where the money came from was more shocking than actually finding it in the closet.
As it turns out, the boy had been sending out via E-mail on the Internet a type of 'chain-letter' to E-mail addresses that he got off of the Internet. Everyday after school for the past 2 months, he had been doing this right on his computer in his bedroom.
=
Two days later the parents recovered another bag labelled "Hot Chicks Get Hosed By Old Guys", with cheap photos and bootleg tapes. "Ah, Bobby's an adult!" his mother grinned, while his father reacted, "That's true, he's mature now. We all have fantasies, like, oh, deep anal fun with Thatcher."
The caring parents still defended him when he hacked into the phone company's mainframe and then into four city banks. "Well, calling him 'charlatan' or 'corruptive' is a bit harsh," the boy's mother remarked, "Nobody's perfect. He's no Unabomber... yet." "Oh, he's obviously grown up," his dad deduced, "Learning a vocation is a significant thing. He promised us he'd get off his butt and 'make money' and he sure did, down in his basement. Those notes were perfect, utterly identical to five and twenty dollar bills! What a craftsman."
After the boy ran an illegal pyramid scheme, a sour mob stormed the house. "Oh, what a lovely boy!" the mother was heard yelling in the riot as the angry mob smashed the front door, "Hundreds of fans line up to see him! What a great lad!!!" "Hey, at least he has a good taste," added the boy's dad as they were about to be lynched, "After all, those chicks *were* hot!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2001:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
John
Keats: Ode on Melancholy
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A carton of cigarettes =
I got a taste for cancer.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Prince Harry Admits He Smoked Pot Regularly =
Royal drug-party is held? Man, the empire rocks!
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You look rather nice in that dress =
(Or: "Thank you, Lord! I can see her tits!")
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2002:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Douglas Malloch: Be The Best
of Whatever You Are
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The children's story of The Sleeping Beauty =
By a touch of these lips, I gently end her rest.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Osama bin Laden =
Some DNA in a lab.
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tight Blouse =
Oh, tits bulge!
SPAM CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
You could tell Lori was proud of her body and she took care of
it. From her wavy blond hair that feathered lightly in the
breeze to her long and beautiful legs that drew appreciative glances.
She was happy with the way she looked. She was proud of her flat
stomach and firm breasts. Her nipples were large and she loved
how they drew a man's attention when they poked through her blouse.
Or in this case, her bikini top.
Lying in the hot sun, she worked a little more sunscreen into her nicely tanned shoulder and turned up her radio.
Lori was alone that day. Actually, she wasn't planning to be. Two days prior, she had broken up with her boyfriend over a petty thing. She knew that they'd probably work it out but she understood that they needed this time apart now. So she came to the beach anyway, not expecting anything.
She laid back on her towel, wishing that she and her boyfriend were there together, his arms around her, putting lotion on her skin. Her hands gently caressed her tummy and she suddenly realized that she was hornier than she thought.
Click here to read the rest of this naughty erotic story...
=
The noble prince halted. There, frozen on a marble plate, was the princess, achingly pretty. He puckered up, knelt down and...
"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouted the enraged woman.
"The legend, your Highness... woken by a light kiss on the lips -"
"Not THOSE lips, pervert!" the beauty answered. "Oh, dear god. They're all the same."
"Ah, I -"
"You think I don't read the fable-studies? How Little Red Riding Hood secretly longed for a rough badass to lurk in the shadows? But nobody was interested to learn why the wolf had to dress in *drag*. Not to mention the wanker with the shoe-fitting fetish. A closet-case, no doubt."
"Eh... er...," voiced the prince, the bulge in his pants replaced by a lump in his throat.
"Think the real Rapunzel threw her braids down for someone to climb UP? She shaved her head and used her hair to climb DOWN the tower. Why do you think she grew it - What's your name, baby?"
"Ah, Thor."
"Yeah, right. What's your REAL name?"
"Harry," the prince stated shyly.
"Aha. Have to french a stiff's twat to get a sexual rush, Harry?"
"Ah, no... so sorry," the prince uttered and ran away.
"Thanks for nothing," said the princess wearily. "Rotten necrophile."
LONG CATEGORY, February 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Colors
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Princess Margaret Rose, Countess of Snowdon =
Crown rests in peace, to sad songs of mourners.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Tate Gallery, London =
Only old, elegant art.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
'The Old Man and the Sea' by Ernest Hemingway =
He's made his enemy angry and won the battle.
SPAM CATEGORY, March 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Amish are known worldwide for their simple lifestyle and their
quality workmanship. Amish Loom Works combines these two qualities
together in the "Original Amish Loom™".
The Amish Loom™ is a unique, handmade, easy to use product made of Northern Michigan native hardwoods--Mountain Ash with Hickory twig handles and Hickory pegs. It is designed to create high quality sweaters, scarves, throws, rugs and other hand-made products.
The Amish Loom™ is a hand craft folk art that enables knitters, beginners, hobbyists, professional weavers and textile designers to do many type of traditional off-loom weaving and knitting with greater accuracy and simplicity than ever before. The Amish Loom™ makes it possible for even the most experienced weaver/knitter, or someone with no handicraft experience and no particular manual dexterity, to make beautiful, stylish clothes and decorative accessories. It is fast and easy to design your own pieces, and patterns. It is easy to size garments, and it is easy to learn a basic collection of various stitches quickly.
=
Lord's blessing, my child. I'm Sister Mary Mcbaine and I'm quite ready to sit on your hard cock.
Indeed, after a lifetime of harmless piety, we understand now that the only way to appeal to millions is through raw, sacral sex. Oh no, it's not sick sarcasm or a cynical gimmick; We're really tight on cash.
The New Catholic Church invites you to the pretty Baroque monasteries for a feast of holiness, redemption and erotic massages. Come violate the professed sisters and go straight to heaven! Hump timid, hesitant virgins with silk-like skin or passionate novices who took a vow of tenacity! Find out why it's called the 'missionary' position! Ask for the anointment-and-bondage mix to maximize and quicken the orgasm! We even got a night of paradise for women with the Latin-Tongue Class and some dirty, wild-spirited fun with the Big Hermit.
You can also buy the special illustrated edition of the Perversions Creed, or rent quality X-rated tapes like 'Altar Slave Three', 'Bitches on Quakers' and 'A Firm Ass in Mass'!
Remember, God has created the woman naked and moist... as are we, under the habits.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pink: Get The Party Started
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oxford English Dictionary =
I find thy lexicon's rather good.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Beatles:
Across the Universe
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Faintheartedness =
Sensed fear in that.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Osama bin Laden's New Video =
Bad man lived on, as I now see.
SPAM CATEGORY, April 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
*Pains in the butt but mostly harmless little misfortunes that
happen to the best of us:*
- You get notice that water supply will be shut off in 1/2
an hour, for 18 hours when you took laxatives the night before,
and you're in your cabin in the middle of nowhere in the woods,
and it's mating season for grizzly bears.
- A very enthusiatic you takes a Viagra for the first time and
then remembers right after, that your in-laws are arriving that
very day.
*Pains in the butt and mostly harmful GIGANTIC misfortunes that happen to the best of us:*
- You wake up in the morning and find that your spouse has
left you. MeWantsToCheat.com popped up when he/she started to
type in MeWantsToEat.com!
- You are fired after your boss finds all sorts of pornographic
material in your hard drive, even though you clean out your cache
everyday!
=
*Hints that you are a low, sadistic man:*
- Your relationship philosophy is "Three's A Crowd, But Four's A Gang Bang!"
- You inform the staff that they will get their monthly pays - providing that they
sniff your foot provocatively, one at a time.
- The sticker on your front bumper says "Hasta La Vista, Kitty".
*Hints that you are the meanest mother-fucker on Earth:*
- Your unprepared friend interrupts your masturbatory fun as you stuff
something fuzzy up your butt... which turns out to be his toupee.
- If there's a popular 'Get It Over With' bridge, you'll be there to hand out anvils.
- You 'subtly' confess to the new fiancée that a) Weddings aren't important and
exterminate freedom, b) She's not thin enough and her face's vile, and c) Real
women swallow.
- Sending incomprehensible spam to a hotheaded anagrammist is your idea of heaven.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mean doings ~
in God's name.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Actress Pamela Anderson =
Neat rear, and chest's so ample!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US Avoided Strong 'September Eleven' Clues =
So it seems slaughter could've been prevented.
SPAM CATEGORY, May 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with: [A troll post]
Shit i'm getting way to old and fat and slow in my older years
i tried to sneak a quickie in before my old man came home and
the friend i was with gave up and left because it takes me so
long to get undressed and to get into a position that he can get
his dink into me. Ya know having ah gut makes it hard to get laid
cause you have to lay on your side with ah leg up over your head
or bend your fat guy over a chair and have the guy use both hands
to lift your ass up so he can find ah wet hole to stick it in
I've been ass fucked more times then pussy fucked because it was
the first hole they could find thanks to not being able to wipe
my ass clean after taking a shit helps.
=
As a way to demystify the above, view this guide of Freud to
the Anal Stage:
"So, as the kids get acquainted with the sphincter, they
stop sucking thumbs and move on to fumbling poo. The kids begin
to notice the innate fun and agony associated with a bowel movement.
They will then run amok and poo around the house day after day
like dogs, unless taught differently.
However, if the parents are too easy and fail to teach society's
rules about poo control, the kid, I assume, will derive a naughty
delight from any ass-drainage in the future, which may induce
a sick, sadistic behavior and a hideous geekiness, that can someday
generate a kinky, bum-poking troll."
LONG CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(This e-mail was distributed on the internet after the September
Eleven events)
My family owns an ambulance service in Brooklyn NY. Midwood Ambulance if anyone knows it. Anyway, my uncles were at "Ground Zero" during the attack to help the victims. They donated their time to help with this crisis as many New Yorkers did. A great deal of people were in shock from the devastation. As many of you know, shock victims are supposed to drink a lot of water. My uncle went to the Starbucks down the street to get bottles of water for the victims he was treating. Can you believe they actually charged him for it!! He paid the $130 for 3 cases of bottled water out of his own pocket. Now, I would think that in a crisis such as this, vendors in the area would be more than happy to lend a little help by donating water. Well, not Starbucks! As if this country hasn't given them enough money! Anyway, the point of this story wasn't to glorify my uncle's actions but to suggest a boycott on Starbucks. Now, I love Frappaccinos as much as anyone, but any company that would try to make a profit off of a crisis like this doesn't deserve the American public's hard earned money. Please forward this e-mail to any one you know and encourage them to do the same.
Thank you!
=
(This signed letter was sent to 'The Papacy')
Kind and Loving Pope,
I'm a Roman Catholic Altar Boy from a Southern Catholic town.
Well, for starters, I'm a great fan, and you have my everlasting
love, but love doesn't cut it for me ever since last April. No
offence, but the new priest you sent here is total crap.
My friend Wayne got two bucks from him. I saw it! He put Wayne's
hands in his own front pockets and trembled or whatever...
*Two bucks*! I never got so much as a *cent*!
Two days later Wayne told me the priest bought him a toy Action
Truck for another little round. God Almighty, I want nice toys
too! I saw a kickass bunny yesterday but mom says it costs a lot
so we can't buy it.
Then I asked the priest if I can get a new toy too, and he said
my hands were unclean! Okay, so I'm often sick with the flu; My
nose's sort of runny and *once in a while* I wipe it with the
back of my hand. So what? Is sneezing a reason to blow me off?
That's plain cruel.
Now I know he likes touching my butt after hymns, and the other
day he offered me to 'kneel and devour his potency' (whatever
that meant), but I prefer the pocket-game and a toy. So could
you please teach our priest to behave? Thanks in advance.
Yours truly,
Tommy Mendes
P.S. Holy wine is cool, but 'Body of Christ' tastes like diarrhea.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Chairman Gates =
Mega-rich Satan.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's 'Madonna Mia', anagrammed into a paraphrase which is also
an acrostic on the author's name. Also, reading down the second-last words of each line reveals a fitting quote (also by Wilde).
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' =
Face in scary portrait grew old, hideous.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
WorldCom, The Latest in Giant-Scale Fraud =
False accounting did harm to Wall Street.
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Long-term impotence =
Men go limp, not erect.
LONG CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Weird Workplaces
Perth, Australia, brothel owner Mary-Anne Kenworthy closed down for a day on April 30 because the influx of 5,500 U.S. Navy personnel on shore leave had left her workforce worn out. "We're the biggest and the best," she said, "(and) I'd rather take nothing than offer a poor service." She added, "I just wish they could dribble-feed the Yanks in, fly a thousand (in) at a time." (The Bremerton (Wash.) Sun carried a wire-service version of this story but later apologized for it to its readers since many Navy families in the Bremerton-Seattle area apparently did not appreciate learning this news.) [The Mercury (Hobart, Australia), 5-3-02; The Age (Melbourne), 5-2-02]
=
Even Weirder Workplaces
A source reported yesterday that all of the presidential personnel
had asked for an early retirement, describing their job as 'inhumane'.
Not long ago, the staff secretary was rumored to 'weep like a
baby' when the president asked if 'Arab' can be a verb, too. Recently,
Bush had to spend hours with a trainer to properly say "Every
little bit of effort counts", after a sad incident of mispronouncing
'war', 'terror' and 'USA' in his State of the Union address. His
whim to raise morale by hiding fake vomit all over the White House
drew no laughs.
"Um, anyone still have anthrax?", a crazed intern was
cited; "Hell, anywhere but here."
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Detective Sherlock Holmes =
Heck, solve the oldest crime!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
9 Rooms - A Paradoxical Poem
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Could we keep the relationship open? =
(OK, I can sleep nude with other people!)
SPAM CATEGORY, July 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Fellow Investors, What has defined winning investments you've
had in the past? Many will agree it was good or perfect timing.
There are people who bought IBM back in January at $120 and they
are losing money right now as IBM currently trades in the low
$70's!! There are also people who bought small and microcaps in
the same time period and are making money!! Why? Because they
had good timing, that's why. Today's featured company, Indiginet
just recently started trading on NASDAQ's Bulletin Board under
the symbol, "IGTT". You may feel after doing your due
diligence that it represents good timing for you, right here,
right now!! ( Source for Price Info:Yahoo Finance Historical).
This reference to past performance is specially selected to be
referenced based on its favorable/unfavorable performance.
=
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Bye and good health,
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PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ariel Sharon, Yasser Arafat and George Bush =
Sheer Fat-Arse, Aging Arab and Sorry U.S. A-Hole.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
An
Enigma, by Edgar Allan Poe
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2002:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Gaston Leroux's novel "The Phantom of the Opera" =
Text of one rampant ghoul - he loves the soprano!
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Miss World Beauty Contest =
See, it crowns that busty model.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with: [Some real samples of Bush's confusing speeches, anagrammed into his final one...]
"Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I- it's- I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values." (Visiting the Jefferson Memorial, Washington, D.C., July 2, 2001)
"My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the- in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen." (Crawford, Texas, Aug, 13, 2001)
"And so, in my State of the- my State of the Union- or state- my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation- I asked Americans to give 4,000 years- 4,000 *hours* over the next- the rest of your life- of service to America. That's what I asked, 4,000 hours." (Bridgeport, Conn., April 9, 2002)
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"Ladies or- the others, the gentlemen parts, of the jury. I come before you not as the indicted president of the united stars and stripes, but as an articulating, intertactual man. I'm sure of my flagitious innocence - so positive, I've waived my attorneys goodbye. I've no need for lawmen and their like, people of the jewish- the jury.
First of all, an unruly fact - the war was my idea. No, scratch that- that bit *wasn't* my idea. I'll prove the opponents right on this point. But the events were innocuous. Overall, the millions that perished, these brave servants of the constellation, were *not* efficacious. They mattered. The Afghans were in our hair, and something sternal had to be done.
Last of all, the business-corruption or whatnot. What extravagation! Watch my mouth, folks - I've never handled, examined or *grasped* that issue!
...Your choice is laughingly clear."
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, August 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ferdinand Magellan =
Find & name large land.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
William
Shakespeare: Sonnet XIV
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Bond Girls =
Blondes, right?
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Saddam Hussein =
Pinhead resists US demand.
SPAM CATEGORY, September 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Any build-up of old pockets of waste matter (diverticulitis) produces fermentation, putrefaction and stagnant packets of poisons and harmful bacteria (a condition of autointoxication or self-poisoning). These toxins constantly seep into the bloodstream and lymph. They eventually settle into the weakest areas of the body, then various symptoms develop and are given names according to those areas and the degree of cell degeneration.
Unfortunately the symptoms found elsewhere in the body resulting from the toxic overload in the bowel, are generally treated rather than the cause in the bowel. Even if one succeeds in strengthening the weak area or suppressing the symptom, the toxic flow from the bowel will simply find another weak area to break through.
As Dr. Jensen puts it, "Every tissue is fed by the blood, which is supplied by the bowel. When the bowel is dirty, the blood is dirty and so on to the organs and tissues." Parasite heaven.....a dirty, unhealthy intestinal tract.
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Hello, kind sender!
I've found the e-mail you dropped down my inbox. Many thanks! Its text grabbed my attention so, that I read it at the dinner-table to the wife and son. Unfortunately, it damaged their appetite a bit; In fact, the wife has lost control of her sanity, and the son's long gone.
Now, at the risk of sounding petty, or even tactless, here are a few general, unresolved issues concerning your letter:
1. Is the poop terminology supposed to coax us into buying something? I'm afraid I rarely catch up with the current 'web' fashions, so you'll have to help me out here. Aren't leads as "You may have won the lottery" more inviting than a review of fecal problems?
2. Is this the same Dr. Jensen that posted me about his "Powerful Diet Pills" only ten days ago? Or the "Advanced Penis Stretcher", two weeks back?
3. Do tell, are you by any chance related to DeepDrillsPrincess, that sent me that brief fable of an obsession with the scent of colons? I'd love to see how it turns out.
Fascinated, but a tad perplexed,
H. Kissinger
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2002:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Department of Motor Vehicles =
Led to the improvement of cars.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Augustus
Gloop! Augustus Gloop!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Washington Sniper =
Strength in his weapon.
SPAM CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
INCREASE THAT CERTAIN PART OF THE MALE BODY BY 27% WITH A SIMPLE PILL. - GUARANTEED - FDA APPROVED - The same type of research that created miracle drugs like Viagra, has now created a revolutionary herbal pill that can increase that certain part of the male body by 27% in a few short weeks by simple taking two capsules of Extenze a day, no prescription required.
Over a million and half capsules are being taken every month by men all over the world. This number increases every day as more and more men discover this revolutionary product. Simply try these Amazing pills for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With this guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale! This amazing new product works by simply taking 2 pills every day.
OUR UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE:
Simply try it for 30-days and if after 30-days you do not experience a minimum of 27% gain, simply send the empty bottle back to us and we'll refund you 100% of the cost including shipping. With our guarantee, our product must work for you... or we'll lose money on every sale!
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Top sixteen ways that might make your teensy-weensy prick look larger:
16. Sneak a full, wide-rimmed water bottle into a men's-room stall. Close the door. Wait for a 'crowd' to pass by and empty it loudly down the toilet. Unzip and step out, proudly.
15. Embed bits of magnifying glass in strategic places on your shower-door. Yell to your friend you need a towel.
14. Find a small plunger and apply to your loins. Pump them for several minutes a day.
13. Spread rumors by whining to your buddy about itchy, binding underwear.
12. Say a prayer for a huge weiner. If praying won't do, demand reparation from the reverend.
11. The ol' 'Cucumber in the Hidden Pocket' never fails.
10. ...And for a limper version, try a pickle.
9. Take a vacuum cleaner. Squirm that tiny prick into the hose. Plug in cleaner.
8. Shave off your pubes. Duh.
7. Go find a decent mohel. Ask for the Extra Value Circumcision.
6. Show an interest in floppy, virile implants.
5. Pay a visit to a gypsy. Buy magic XL contraceptives.
4. Start a diet, but only in your pelvic area. If the background seems undersized, then by comparison...
3. Decrease the size of your testicles.
2. Slay every male anagrammer on the face of the earth.
1. Only date women with really small palms.
LONG CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
(An excerpt from a speech made by Bush on October the 7th:)
By its past and present actions, by its technological capabilities, by the merciless nature of its regime, Iraq is unique. As a former chief weapons inspector of the U.N. has said, "The fundamental problem with Iraq remains the nature of the regime, itself. Saddam Hussein is a homicidal dictator who is addicted to weapons of mass destruction." Some ask how urgent this danger is to America and the world. The danger is already significant, and it only grows worse with time. If we know Saddam Hussein has dangerous weapons today -- and we do -- does it make any sense for the world to wait to confront him as he grows even stronger and develops even more dangerous weapons? In 1995, after several years of deceit by the Iraqi regime, the head of Iraq's military industries defected. It was then that the regime was forced to admit that it had produced more than 30,000 liters of anthrax and other deadly biological agents. The inspectors, however, concluded that Iraq had likely produced two to four times that amount. This is a massive stockpile of biological weapons that has never been accounted for, and capable of killing millions.
=
(A few 'To Do' lists from the president's diary:)
Sat, Nov. 30
**Interview to Fox News**
Ramble on the sheer threat of Saddam's tyranny. Answer a hard query about the war with an unrelated anecdote. Misquote random writers.
Sun, Dec. 1
* Reveal to the nation 'The New, Bitchin' War on Terror'.
* Nickname Dick Cheney 'homey'.
Mon, Dec. 2
* Model a swift air raid on Iraq. Give Rumsfeld a wedgie.
* Trade lunches with Cheney. If caught, promise mom it was his idea.
Thu, Dec. 5
* Ask the wife to wear pigtail braids. If Laura agrees, convince Colin to do the same.
* Fight Senate to terminate sales tax on rodeo boots.
Fri, Dec. 6
**Daughters' birthday!** Get up late at night and assist them in finding the way to the bathroom. Flush once the heaving's done.
Mon, Dec. 9
**A visit of the enormous Israeli dude!** Make the place Wideass-Friendly.
* Pull wife's pigtails.
Wed, Dec. 11
* Pull Colin's pigtails.
Fri, Dec. 13
**Yee-ha! Iraqi Action Time!!!**
Gather strategists and assess possible tactics. Ask dad what's the Iraqi word for 'camel poop'.
Sat, Dec. 14
* Pull army out of Iraq. Make a speech to the nation on these foes' asinine cases of aggression and hostility, and the horrible perils of mass-destruction weapons.
* Drop an atomic bomb on Baghdad.
Mon, Dec. 16
* Shop for rodeo boots.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by children's author Shel Silverstein, anagrammed into a line-by-line ambigram.
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Last-Minute =
Nuts! I'm late.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Chamber Orchestras =
Restore Bach's charm.
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Blonde-haired =
Laid on her bed!
SPAM CATEGORY, November 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Don't get left behind. Don't let your computer go to waste. With *FREE* computer learning from Video Professor, you can get the skills you need to succeed. Whether you need office skills to get a new job or promotion, or simply want to help the kids with their homework or organize the family budget, Video Professor has the lesson just for you.
It's FAST! You'll be up-and-running in an hour or less! Don't waste time sifting through those big, thick manuals. Commuting to classes or seminars is a waste of your time and money. Just pop in the CD-ROM and you're learning! It's EASY!
=
Do you feel ridiculously idiotic? Do friends often name you 'That Moron'? Then you MUST visit the Forrest Gump School for Slack-Jawed Yokels!!!
Only HERE can the young twits and idiots:
* Get straw-chewing tips!
* Sign for the groundbreaking 'Hi, My Name Is Forrest Gump, People Call Me Forrest Gump' seminar!
* Be a part of The Forrest Gump Theatre hit-show, "When Life Gives You Lemons"!
* Wear stupid little beanies and snooze all day!
No books! No homeworks! No studying! No teeth! Join the ultimate Forrest Gump courses *TODAY* - The tuition here is just two roosters and one corn cob!!!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Auctions in 'eBay' =
I can buy on a site!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2002:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A verse of a poem by Oscar Wilde, anagrammed into a paraphrase which is also an acrostic square on the author's name.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2002:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A menstrual flow =
Raw smell of tuna.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2002:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Henry Sambrooke
Leigh: The Twins
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Literature for blind persons =
Friends turn prose to Braille.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Military Headquarters =
'I am ready - let's hurt Iraq!'
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Guitarist Pete Townshend =
What git studies teen porn?!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for. (Albert Camus) =
Er, oil?... Is 'Great barrels of crude oil' a term unknown to that Frenchy? (G.W. Bush)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina
Rossetti: Listening
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
'The Station' club, Rhode Island =
Locals burned to death in this.
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A cheap motel =
Place to...*ahem*.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
George Walker Bush, President of America =
Help urge a big war, for I seek a second term.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Salvation Army =
Heal my starvation.
LONG CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One Splendid Demonstration of ESP
1. Pick a number from 1 to 10.
2. Multiply it by 9. Add the digits of the result together. Subtract 5.
3. Assign a letter to the answer you have (A=one, B=two, etc).
4. Think of a country that begins with this letter.
5. Think of an animal that begins with the second letter of the country.
6. What's a colour associated with the animal?
7. That's odd... see, there are no grey elephants in Denmark!
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A Lesson In Fear
1. Repeat stages 1-3 in the trick above.
2. Think of the name of a cute bird that starts with that letter.
3. Imagine the snappy sound it makes. Go on.
4. Obtain the first letter of that sound. Think about a country which ends with the letter.
5. Try to dwell on the global menace its cold, sadistic leader presents.
6. Then, drift your hate towards the camel-humping demons...
7. Honey, you're now a bigot.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's 117th sonnet anagrammed into three less-than-serious poetic renditions of famous texts by the bard.
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Congressional Medal of Honor =
Hang on chest of one moral soldier.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Jules Verne, 'Around the World in Eighty Days' =
Journey through new lands is very detailed!
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mysterious rectal foreign bodies =
I used to force gerbils into my arse.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The president of Iraq, Saddam Hussein =
Press had to enquire if this man's dead.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Michelangelo Buonarroti's 'The Separation of Light from the Darkness' =
The halo of our Lord is breathtaking on Rome's Sistine Chapel fragment.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A small bit from Lewis Carroll's 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland', Chapter VIII
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Countries of the Third World =
Tourist threw children food.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes =
So, can he solve the murder, folks?
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The cartoon dad Homer Simpson =
That moron mopes and cries "D'oh!"
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum." (A quote by Quentin Crisp) =
"Simple U.S. involvement can sometime help me end a goon's tyranny... But it's not quite simple, nor complete." (Civilian in Iraq)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Edwin Arlington Robinson:
Richard Cory
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sexually Transmitted Disease =
Elementary, as I dated six sluts!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. (Clarence Seward Darrow) =
Once considered it wry babble, but God, I swear - now that I'm in power, I can only admit it's a well-observed adage! (Cheney)
LONG CATEGORY, May 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
SIZE AND STAMINA DO MATTER More Than You Can Possibly Imagine!!
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=
My Penis Log!
Day 1
The pills are here!!! The Fed Ex man ogled at me like I'm some sort of creep, but I
couldn't care less. I popped 2 pills after lunch, gulped 6 liters of cider and ran 70
times in one circle, just as the instructions told me. XXL briefs, here I come!
Day 3
Still 5 inches. Running in circles left me sick. It's a bit eerie, I don't recall
I had four nipples.
Day 7
I'm now primarily limping and falling over.
Reread the ingredients; it contains 'Lots of cat hair'. Did I overdose?
Day 10
I'm three-legged!... Well, mainly since I now have a leg instead of an arm. At least
I don't fall over so often. No growth, but when I urinate, it comes out in some strange
fluorescent colour.
Dya 23
snoozed for ten hours; can't get an erection. I'm not bitter, but I can't be alert
for more than
yda 2.245/4
sleepy -- penis needs ambulance
Day 30
I grew an extra inch!!! ER surgeons borrowed tissues from the new ArmLeg to rescue
the teeny, mutated penis, and after the transplant, I got a minor annex! 100% success,
indeed!!!
Thanx, anonymous spammer!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two celestial poems
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Disney's classic feature, 'Bambi' =
Baby deer in a film? It's a success!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The foreign policy of the United States =
See that fight erupt if tycoon needs oil.
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
They are platonic friends =
(Pity I can't fondle her arse...)
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2003:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton =
Control horny man - halt his adulteries!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Louvre Museum in Paris =
House unveils premium art!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Washington Irving's tale, "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" =
The Felon gallops with no noggin, yet will sever heads!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Henry Wadsworth
Longfellow: Night
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Every cloud has a silver lining"? =
No, such drivel is largely naive.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
All I ever wanted
All I ever
needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very
Unnecessary
They can
only do harm. (Depeche Mode)
=
We heard heavenly rhymes as they
conveyed a dream world - one so real and unmarred, it's perceived merely in
silence.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The odd origin of the word 'Orange' (quoted from "Etymologically Speaking")
Orange (Eng.); Orange (Fr.); Naranja (Sp.); Arancia (It.)
Interestingly, none of these terms come from the Latin word for orange, citrus aurentium;
instead, they all come from the ancient Sanskrit naga ranga, which literally means
"fatal indigestion for elephants." In certain traditions the orange, not the
apple, is the fruit responsible for original sin. There was an ancient Malay fable -
which made its way into the Sanskrit tongue around the Seventh or Eighth Centuries
B.C. - that links the orange to the sin of gluttony and has an elephant as the
culprit. Apparently, one day an elephant was passing through the forest, when he
found a tree unknown to him in a clearing, bowed downward by its weight of
beautiful, tempting oranges; as a result, the elephant ate so many that he
burst. Many years later a man stumbled upon the scene and noticed the fossilized
remains of the elephant with many orange trees growing from what had been its
stomach. The man then exclaimed, "Amazing! What a naga ranga (fatal indigestion
for elephants)!"
=
Other amazing examples:
'I'm pregnant' - It appears that the source of the word 'pregnant' is linked to the
Albanian saying (mainly used by young adults), "Amah, preh ann ante", that
states: "Honey, I think we're screwed".
'Britney Fans' - Amazingly, the phrase doesn't refer to the singer, as such; in fact,
it's one of a few entertaining Latin anagrams from the nineteenth century, of 'Bres
Infanty', more or less translated to: 'The Infants who are drawn to an Ample Mammary Gland'.
'Sequel' - An alteration of 'Sechu Wal', an Argentinian gang-slang phrase which
means "Another kick to the groin" (often that of a mugging victim lying injured
in the street). It was popularised by H. Wood, the aging leader of the Calephornea gang,
constantly asserting that "it could gain one more profit - well, nine times out of
ten".
'God' - One of the hardest origins to find; Some tenable theories: The archaic Finnish
'Gutenn', which meant either 'A nobler one' or 'Mail fraud'; Pompeii's "Gatne
chenuale!" ("Thanks a bunch for that crater!"); And the Hebrew "Tiru
et ha-Godel!", or: "Wow, what a fat ass!", allegedly what Moses yelled at
the Lord's apparition on Mount Sinai.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Eminem: Cleaning Out My
Closet
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Could we invade other countries ~
without clear or sound evidence?
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Easy women =
We moan 'yes!'
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, August 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The dictator Saddam Hussein =
Mustached sadist ran to hide.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
76th Academy Awards Rules
For Distinguished Achievements During 2003
RULE ONE
AWARDS DEFINITIONS
1. Academy Awards of merit shall be given annually to honor outstanding achievements
in theatrically-released feature-length motion pictures, and to honor other achievements
as provided for in the rules and approved by the Board of Governors.
=
The heads of the Foundation for Taste in Cinema have devised an apology for any direct
or indirect involvement in these sheer stupid movies:
Superman IV
Gigli
Dude, Where's My Car?
Armageddon
Urban Legends: Final Cut
All inane rubbish that features Adam Sandler
The odd Last Action Hero that ran an hour too long
Spice World
We're so very sorry.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
3 Angles to Frost's 'The Road Not Taken'
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Bet I can eliminate errors in my words!
GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ballet position =
It shall be on tiptoe.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Olympic medallists =
Simply athletic models!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Middle East violence =
Evidence led to Islam.
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A skirt chaser =
I track her ass.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
American President J.F.K. =
A frantic jerk sniped me
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Stonehenge, in the downland of Salisbury Plain =
Long boulders in an open field? Why, that's insane!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
'Anagram Genius - The Book' (William Tunstall-Pedoe & Donald L. Holmes) =
One will look them up to read all about small gags hidden in names!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When I consider every thing that grows
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2003:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mental Disturbance =
Unclear mind, at best.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Cartoons featuring Tom and Jerry =
Rodent runs from a cat in great joy!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Norton AntiVirus (a Symantec product) =
Instant auto-scan on my corrupt drive.
LONG CATEGORY, October 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Office of the Press Secretary, October 24, 2003]
The President's Ramadan Message
I send greetings to Muslims in the United States and around the
world observing the holy month of Ramadan.
Ramadan is the holiest season in the Islamic faith, commemorating
the revelation of the Qur'an to Muhammed. This month of introspection
provides Muslims a time to focus on their faith and practice God's
commands. Through fasting, prayer, contemplation, and charity,
Muslims around the world renew their commitment to lead lives
of honesty, integrity, and comion.
Throughout our history, people of different faiths have shaped
the character of our Nation. Islam is a peaceful religion, and
people who practice the Islamic faith have made great contributions
to our Nation and the world. As Americans, we cherish our freedom
to worship and we remain committed to welcoming individuals of
all religions. By working together to advance freedom and mutual
understanding, we are creating a brighter future of hope and opportunity.
Laura joins me in sending our best wishes. Ramadan mubarak.
George W. Bush
=
[Translation from Arabic of the actual message]
Could the camel-fornicator that finds our memo please it along
to the People of Iraq?
Hi, Arab maggots! It's me, Mr. G. I just wanna inform you of them
funds heading your way - and of the conditions them funds involve.
Nope, our dime sure doesn't come cheap. There's a reason we're
the world's richest nation, and I intend to maintain this title.
First: Give me my nuclear weapons back. Our army slaved on them
top-notch pieces of arsenal; Saddam bought them from America for
a fair price and promised to trigger them when we give him the
order. Not only this traitor didn't come through, now you are
claiming this prime nuclear goodness disappeared into thin air?
C'mon, Donald begs for his uranium to return - be fair to him,
the man can't live without it.
Second: Does the phrase 'Christ Is Your Friend' ring a bell? Get
used to it.
And last one: Capitalism. Nuff said.
George
P.S. Laura is curious: why would someone want to celebrate the
Ramada Inn? She reminded me of that night we spent there and got
a stomach flu virus from their room service. I think she has a
damn good point.
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Correspondent ~
does CNN report.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Warrant Issued for Michael Jackson's Arrest =
Star remains just a wacko for children's arse!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
American President George W. Bush =
He needs grim war to bring us peace?!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The recent Microsoft Windows update =
Few noticed it's the same worn product.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Anthology: The Best Of Michael Jackson
Disc 1
1. Got To Be There
2. Rockin' Robin
3. Ain't No Sunshine
4. Maria (You Were The Only One)
5. I Wanna Be Where You Are
6. Girl Don't Take Your Love From Me
7. Love Is Here And Now You're Gone
8. Ben
9. People Make The World Go 'Round
10. Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day
11. With A Child's Heart
12. Everybody's Somebody's Fool
13. Greatest Show On Earth
14. We've Got A Good Thing Going
15. In Our Small Way
16. All The Things You Are
17. You Can Cry On My Shoulder
18. Maybe Tomorrow
19. I'll Be There
20. Never Can Say Goodbye
21. It's Too Late To Change The Time
22. Dancing Machine
Disc 2
1. When I Come Of Age
2. Dear Michael
3. Music And Me
4. You Are There
5. One Day In Your Life
6. Make Tonight All Mine
7. Love's Gone Bad
8. That's What Love Is Made Of
9. Who's Looking For A Lover
10. Lonely Teardrops
11. Cinderella Stay Awhile
12. We're Almost There
13. Take Me Back
14. Just A Little Bit Of You
15. Melodie
16. I'll Come Home To You
17. If N' I Was God
18. Happy
19. Don't Let It Get You Down
20. Call On Me
21. To Make My Father Proud
22. Farewell My Summer Love
=
Reviews by the delighted customers:
"A bloody good job, Michael - so good that I neglected my web-surfing for a
whole day!" (Pete Townshend)
"We love your work!" (N.A.M.B.L.A.)
"Oh my god, what a dreamy collection! Playing the album in my room really gets
me in the mood to drive by a school" (Pee Wee Herman)
"Not bad, for a goy! Hearing your voice fetched cute memories of Soon-Yi when
she turned eight" (Woody Allen)
"Love the groove, Mike my man! Ah hell, you are too cool for words. Oh, and
thanks for your latest advice - teenage booties ARE an inspiration!" (R. Kelly)
"Please, allow me to e-mail a 'kudos' for a nugget of an album, Michael. I know
we don't see eye to eye when it comes to gender, but I like the overall theme...
And ignore the D.A. - he is such a killjoy" (Roman Polanski)
"A great treat by an immortal icon... Holier than the Holiest... We would be
honored to send some boys your way as indication of our gratitude" (from a long
note by several anonymous Catholic clergymen)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Magic by Shel Silverstein
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Casino hotels =
To lose cash in.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Best-Selling Book in the World =
Still the Bible - God knew no others!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2003:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Saddam Hussein, the Iraqis' former president =
A squad pried his ass from his retirement den.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Two-ply bathroom tissue =
Royal smooth butt wipes.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2003:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Renaissance painter Michelangelo =
Real giant scenes in a chapel in Rome.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Peer-to-Peer File Sharing Software =
I saw great piles of free porn there!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2003:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
What's the sole difference between America's president and Mussolini? =
I need no faster mind if there's such a simple answer: Benito was *elected*.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Peter Jackson, the director of the LOTR series =
Three hits recreate Tolkien's Frodo projects.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Images from the NASA Spirit rover =
Impart great visions of Mars here.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, January 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
R. 'Dick' Cheney, Vice President of America =
I scheme, trick and deceive for any price.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Mona Lisa Smile", the Columbia Pictures production of a Mike Newell film, starring Julia Roberts ('Katherine Watson').=
Correct me if I'm wrong, but darn it, Julia's smile in this feature almost looks like it carries one whole, plump banana!
LONG CATEGORY, January 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Top Ten Ways I, Howard Dean, Can Turn Things Around
10. "Switch to decaf"
9. "Unveil new slogan: 'Vote for Dean and get one dollar off your next purchase at Blimpie'"
8. "Marry Rachel on final episode of 'Friends'"
7. "Don't change a thing -- it's going great"
6. "Show a little more skin"
5. "Go on 'American Idol' and give 'em a taste of these pipes"
4. "Start working out and speaking with Austrian accent"
3. "I can't give specifics yet, but it involves Ted Danson"
2. "Fire the staffer who suggested we do this lousy Top Ten list instead of actually campaigning"
1. "Oh, I don't know -- maybe fewer crazy, redfaced rants"
(The list is borrowed from the CBS Late Show with David Letterman)
=
Top Ten Tactics of Snagging Away G.W.'s Presidency
10. Lure him out of the Oval Office with a picnic basket
9. Pay off his tutor and get G.W. to enunciate 'poor' with a silent 'r'
8. Add Alec Baldwin to the White House staff
7. Put a pretzel in his snack kit
6. Tell him a nationwide campaign includes the fifty-first state of Rwanda
5. Ban every voter whose lingo contains 'Howdy'
4. Add an annexe to Rules of Governmental Positions, reasserting a fifth-grade education as mandatory
3. Add "no drunk drivers" to above rules
2. End all wars and dry most oil wells
And the No. One Tactic is:
1. Inform George that words might get even bigger in second-term speeches!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Jonathan Swift poem, which can be presented as a riddle when its title is obscured, anagrammed (with a twist) into another riddle poem whose subject is hidden.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa painting =
An enigma is on that lip.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The American President George 'Dubya' Bush =
Can he snub this deep gay urge to be married?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences =
Conducted that ceremony as its praise of cinema.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Director Peter Jackson's 'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' =
First of three long hits which respect the prose of long-dead J.R.R. Tolkien.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Smart
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"So, would you like to go up to my flat for some coffee?" =
"To follow, I must see you offer a *good* ploy to fuck me."
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, March 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The director Mel Gibson =
Begin to remodel Christ.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Belgian Brandy Chocolates =
Best alcohol-bearing candy.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Collection of Tragedies by William Shakespeare =
Weepy as I detail crises of Othello, Macbeth, King Lear...
LONG CATEGORY, March 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
(snippet from the FDA website)
Wireless telephones are hand-held phones with built-in antennas, often called cell, mobile, or PCS phones. These phones are popular with callers because they can be carried easily from place to place.
Wireless telephones are two-way radios. When you talk into a wireless telephone, it picks up your voice and converts the sound to radiofrequency energy (or radio waves). The radio waves travel through the air until they reach a receiver at a nearby base station. The base station then sends your call through the telephone network until it reaches the person you are calling.
=
(A late word of advice for the several naive dupes eager to use their new cell phone: Please be aware that you will usually conduct hundreds of calls quite like this one:)
Person A: Hello, Eric?
Person B: Hey, Warren? Is that you?
Person A: Hello? Eric, are you there?
Person B: I can't hear you very well. Get the antenna open.
Person A: It IS open. Wait- (moves nine feet to the left) Is this better?
Person B: Hello? Can you hear me?
Person A: Hardly. What the hell is that eerie static crud?! I hate this stupid device!
Person B: Calm down, Warren. Check the screen.
Person A: Alright, hang on.
Person B: What does it say?
Person A: It says low batte- {click}
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2004:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[I saw fit to honor the Oscars, held a month ago, by extracting all 5 Best Picture nominees from the same base phrase. However, I couldn't ignore the Oscar's evil twin - The Golden Raspberry (or 'Razzie'), an award ceremony held 24 hours before the Oscars which dishonored the *worst* of 2003 cinema... The winners are at the bottom of each set.]
A list of the five films that are Academy Awards nominees in the Best Picture category: =
A feisty MASTER AND COMMANDER gives life to the rich tale of the wisest captain Aubrey.
Why, I see Murray's bit as a cheap-act made the gifted LOST IN TRANSLATION more effective.
MYSTIC RIVER's genuine performances deal with that base idea of the state of calamity.
View SEABISCUIT, my imperfect-yet-fine racehorse that ran to fame, against all the odds.
A massive LORD OF THE RINGS finale piece, sated with beauty, came first at that ceremony.
A list of the five films nominated for the joke-award Golden Raspberry in the Worst Picture category: =
Big, tragic Dr. Seuss rip-off CAT IN THE HAT transformed that loopy feline we love into a mere rowdy jerk.
Another CHARLIE'S ANGELS trifle provided brisk joy of trampy women for the target audience of twits.
At parts of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, even the best 'American Idol' fan grew tired of its weird choreography.
The MTV-style THE REAL CANCUN joined the merry parties of Spring Break for raw footage of wild idiots.
Reporters' reviews of our winner GIGLI say that the attempt of Ben Affleck and J-Lo at comedy is horrid.
[Also, to make these a bit more appealing, the above anagram sets were shaped as the actual symbols of these award shows:]
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Siberian tiger =
It is a rare being.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The impressionist landscape =
This sad place inspires Monet.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The White House Daily Press Briefing =
Hey, I air the lies of president G.W. Bush!
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Her best asset =
These breasts!
LONG CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ironic by Alanis Morissette
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A sample from an Astrology site, anagrammed into 12 weekly predictions. I don't know if it comes through, but I'm not a fan of horoscopes.]
(Quoted from the Astrodienst site)
Introduction:
Astrology sees mankind as being not only influenced by hereditary factors and the environment, but also by the state of our solar system at the moment of birth. The planets are regarded as basic life-forces, the tools we live by as well as the basis of our very substance. These planetary forces take on different forms, depending on their zodiacal position and on the way they relate to one another.
=
Pisces:
A keen Mars settles above the Moon, so Neptune and Uranus may soon be in a very fiery trine, but it's not as dirty as it sounds.
On Friday, strolling in the street can be fatal, so better stay indoors and clip the letters off of the cover of a magazine to create terribly obscene death threats for the neighbor.
On Wednesday, you'll find the answer to the age-old question: What'll my employers do if I toss them to the floor and breakdance on their faces?
=
Aquarius:
Three terrific events shall bless your essence soon, so don't be daft and drop that razor blade. For now, Neptune's position alters all planetary alignments, which means it's fifteen beers before noon yet again.
It's best to take the advice of someone close to you and try to battle the obsession for Dan Aykroyd statuettes made entirely of lard.
The mystery of the vanishing cat ends when you trace the odor coming from behind the air filter.
=
Aries:
Not only do you let loved ones walk all over you, you grant a bag of cleat shoes beforehand. Quite oddly, Moon retreats and Mars settles in - can it afford rent?
On Monday, a teensy surprise is to be discovered where it's least anticipated, or you can take what's behind Curtain No. Three.
Note: A family member's consent to stay off booze feels less than honest in light of their arrest by the FBI for the attempt to baste the President in French dressing.
=
Scorpio:
Do your friends find the tendency to glorify Astrology "senseless"? Order a Personalized Star Chart! In a minute, every one of these boobs will tremble at your feet.
Soon, you'll note that your red car has been dented. Beat innocent pedestrians for catharsis.
At work, it seems that a 'confidant' has been squealing to the boss, so follow them around and take notes. If they spot it, baffle them by imitating a ferret, then advance on them assertively.
=
Sagittarius:
Do you often question horoscopes' earnestness? Order the Personalized Star Chart to destroy all brain matter left.
An instance that involves a red Toyota's steel fenders has benefits, no need to be frightened!
At work, a feeble-brained buffoon from your floor, at which you nodded maybe once, starts to stalk you, often settling behind the pillar by the elevators and emitting insane noises. If they come any closer, spray them with mace.
=
Gemini:
On Monday, it seems that Venus, affected by the Moon, shall retire to London, set up a toffee store and regress idly into senility.
Hobbies: In a bizarre turn of events, trying to dabble in Oriental stencil art shall set off an epidemic of yeast infections across North Dakota. You'll soon start to wonder if your seventh grade art teacher went for sarcasm when she heatedly equated your paper-mache tasks to "the best of the best done by Leonardo".
=
Libra:
An old flame resurfaces in your life, only to flee three seconds later, along with your mother's silverware and an autographed copy of 'Systems Analysis For the Incontinent' by the esteemed Dr. Typen Stainem.
On Monday, it'd be sad to see that Byron the Robot, created to conquer the world, is a rather bookish stiff that sports dozens of nose bleeds, but finding an attractive beret set of Einstein's valet in the flea market soothes you once again.
=
Virgo:
Your fate hosts bitterness, resentment and pain - Collect all three!
An amatory, flimsy offer leads to an unforeseen month of passion; that's a bit botched as one test proves that you're blood-related. Things slide even farther into the 'sordid' definition as it becomes quite clear that when you were a tender baby, they were bayonetting Nazis. Only some sort of freaky, stroke-inducing plan can end all of this, so you'd better do some research, fast.
=
Taurus:
Efforts to make deer season shorter are clearly done by the sissy-signs Libra and Virgo. Ah boy, I bet'ya that when the Lord handed out the best star icons, those seedy queers were last in line.
Soon, it'll be time to abandon UFO-spotting and marry the fondest of farmer Two-Toed Zeke's steers.
On Friday, cheery and ecstatic emotions blossom, till they prove to actually be the aftereffects of opening a can of paint thinner in an unventilated room.
=
Capricorn:
Soon, the ants and the rats will seize the entire flat; sadly, they'll take better care of it than you ever did.
Break the tense life of trying to bring Barbies and Cheetos to breed; Set off on a trip, but preferably one to a bolted institute. For now, the moon may retreat due to a squad of cows, dishes and spoons.
(So sorry if any of these are half-assed, even inane; I've lost my notes and had to consult smirches on my ceiling to summon the astral energy.)
=
Leo:
On Wednesday, you'll press the snooze button and stay in bed for another ten minutes. This may lead to your position at the Bagel factory being restaffed. Bereft, you'd enlist in the North Brooklyn Secret Cantors Clan for the Liberation of Iraq. After the clan's separate losses to a few tumbleweeds, you'd be stranded, sore and lost, in the Mohave desert. Salvation may come in the shape of Syrian officers giving the directions to the nearest K-Mart.
=
Cancer:
Certain events shall stir emotions, and may even lead to actions, but that's not written in stone. Annoying flyers on your windshield might boast too many barren offers, and theatres might boast profane sequels.
The color for today - Borscht-Red, and the active planet - oh, let's say the globe.
It would often seem that your life breezes by, like a 'Friends' teaser, yet treads on the same spot, like a 'Friends' episode.
Oh, and you're out of fabric softener.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Cigarette machines =
The aim is 'Get cancer'.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Final episode of the show 'Frasier' =
Oh, weep - 'Friends' is also off the air!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Olympic Games in Athens =
Ah, hasten! Gym is incomplete!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes =
One sly hero shall crack this murder soon!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Senator Kerry claims that Bush's foreign policy is "Ineffective" =
So sorry if I'm coarse, but try asking if the chief can even *spell* it.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Tribute to the Month of May
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Clinton's autobiography =
Horny goat's publication.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Clinton, the former US president =
Parts of the memoir will include interns.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
How many visitors of a modern art gallery does it take to screw in one light bulb? =
Two. One to try, and one to growl: "It's lame! Five-year-old girls can make this rubbish!"
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American President Ronald Wilson Reagan =
A real moron, in acting AND western leadership.
LONG CATEGORY, June 2004:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dear Chet,
I want this big man who knows what love is all about. You are sexy, kind and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being most useless and pathetic. Chet, you've ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever content - will you let me be yours? Jessica.
Dear Chet,
I want this big man who knows what love is. All about you are sexy, kind and thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being most useless and pathetic. Chet, you've ruined me. For other men, I yearn; For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever content. Will you let me be? Yours, Jessica.
=
(A civilian to George W. Bush, White House)
Ah, time to compliment you! Well, frankly, I can't stop thinking you are one of the best US presidents! We have had so many leaders go ahead and rule our fair nation unevenly and botch the job. You see, we expect it... From you, however, in years to come, I know we will have far better results.
(A civilian to George W. Bush, White House)
Ah, time to compliment you? Well, frankly, I can't! Stop thinking you are one of the best US presidents! We have had so many leaders. Go ahead and rule our fair nation unevenly and botch the job. You see, we expect it from you. However, in years to come, I know we will have far better results...
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare's Sonnet 19
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The singer Dolly Parton =
"Hooters? Plenty, darling!"
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The rider Lance Armstrong of Austin, Texas =
So, a man garners sixth 'Tour de France' title!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Microsoft products =
Third of computer's cost...
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The new Bond girl in Lee Tamahori's 'Die Another Day' =
I admit, I had to see renowned Halle Berry in a thong!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
(The original show's opening lines, as uttered by Captain Kirk)
Space... The final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.
Its five year mission:
To explore strange new worlds...
To seek out new life and new civilizations...
To boldly go where no man has gone before!
=
Shatner... The worst thespian.
This feeble series presents his ongoing, rash efforts to speak fiercely and emote.
His insane pronunciations:
Will agonize even hardcore Trekkies...
Will prove brains need to get oxygen to be alive...
Will draw attention away from his goofy toupee!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
If by Rudyard Kipling
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The DreamWorks Studio =
Our team did two 'Shreks'.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Opening Ceremony of the Athens Olympic Games =
No match - Greece has spent one mighty pile of money!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The famous mystery novelist Arthur Conan Doyle =
Any theft or nasty murder? You can solve it, Holmes!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abstinence Education Program =
Campaigned to ban intercourse.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The tragedy 'Othello, Moor of Venice' by William Shakespeare =
Iago's hostile plan led me to choke my wife over her 'betrayal'.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2004:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Games of the Twenty-eighth Olympiad =
I fight my way, then hope to get the medals!
LONG CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid - aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deson't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers
in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
=
ll'I timda ti - eht elat SI gnizama, er'uoy tcerroc! tuB gnittup eht
imes-demmargana sdrow edisa, tahw tuoba seno taht era nettirw ni esrever?
naC eht tnalutep dnim taeb TAHT elttil hctih dna daer meht lla ylisae nehw
er'yeht denrut dnuora? ll'I teb ti t'nac, esuaceb htob eht tsrif dna tsal srettel
evah yltsom degnahc rieht snoitisop (hguoht ton ni niatrec sdrow, hcus sa eht
cimordnilap 'tenet')... ehT ylno sredaer ohw evah a nrad ecnahc tsum eb
deubmi htiw a doog rialf rof yalpdrow!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A poem by Wilde about Shelley;
one by Shelley about Wordsworth; one by Wordsworth about Milton; and one by Milton about Shakespeare
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The symptoms of constipation =
It can postpone most of my shit!
GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A speeding car =
Daring escape!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ceiling murals of the Sistine Chapel =
Hail Michelangelo's finest pictures!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The actress Marilyn Monroe =
Hey, immortal star on screen!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Ha! What's this keenly benign mood you're in?" =
"I blew my nose into the hand you're shaking!"
LONG CATEGORY, September 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on November Second, we make
the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice, then the danger is that we'll get hit
again, and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United
States." (V.P. Richard Cheney)
=
After the shocking statement, Bush's inevitable act was to fire Cheney.
"I had the godawful note read to me again. It was beyond belief", the president
muttered. "I still can't get past the 'avoid the wrong choice' bit. Can someone tell me
what the hell was he thinking? Why was he advocating Kerry?!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet Number Two by
William Shakespeare
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The bikini model =
"I'm, like, hot in bed!"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Apocalypse Now' =
How Coppola eyes Vietnam.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The elections in November, Two Thousand Four =
Dolt runs the nation if we vote 'Bush' once more.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bill Clinton, the former president of the USA =
On reflection, I'd still prefer the man to Bush!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft Internet Explorer =
Expect online terrors from it.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mad Hatter's question to Alice: "Why is a raven like a writing-desk?" =
Ah, I got it! I created an answer: "It seems the two have inky-dark quills!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's 76th sonnet
anagrammed into a paraphrase (up to a point), its theme being the Baconian controversy
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
President George W. Bush has won =
Ah, depressing news brought woe.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, November 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The famous painter Pablo Ruiz Picasso =
Popularizes Cubism into a phase of art.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ingredients of a McDonald's Shake =
Gee, that's odd - a scan finds no 'Milk' here.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Bush Pardons Thanksgiving Turkey
Wed, Nov 17
President Bush has spared the life of the nation's Thanksgiving turkey, after an election to name the bird which he reports was "neck and neck."
Continuing a 57-year White House tradition, the president formally issued the pardon for 'Biscuits' and the back-up bird 'Gravy' in a Rose Garden ceremony.
The turkeys were raised in West Virginia, and will now go to a petting zoo in the Washington suburbs.
The naming ballot was conducted on the White House Web site, which recorded thousands of entries. The names 'Patience' and 'Fortitude' came in second. Bush reports it was a nasty campaign, with attack ads from a group called "Barnyard Animals for Truth", and what he says was a scurrilous film called "Fahrenheit 375 Degrees - at Ten Minutes Per Pound."
=
Baked 'Biscuits'
Wed, Nov 24
In a surprising turn, George W. Bush annulled his pardon for 'Biscuits' the turkey, sentencing it to death instead.
Apparently Biscuits had fed on, among other things, turkey mince and "was, in fact, pecking on his own." G.W. called this "a cannibalistic, morally evil frenzy", and warned: "Harsh acts spur harsh punishment."
After a last meal of cranberry sauce, parsnip and white rice, the bird is due to fry on Friday morning. This would be simultaneously broadcast on radio, Court-TV and the Food Network.
Although G.W. denied revenge was the reason, a White House source tips that in one week the turkey proved to be a better speaker than the president, knew more White House Staff names than him, and was pressed to run against G.W. as the Democratic candidate in Oh-Eight.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Remember me when I am gone away
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Polanski, the director =
"It's OK to rape children."
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Second term of the Bush administration =
Mind if I doubt that chosen one's smarter?
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
General A. Pinochet =
Great Chilean? Nope.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The RSPCA (The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) =
Oh, role's to protect a variety of species? Then I truly *can't* harm one fly!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Traditional Christmas Greetings ‡
I sign the card, mail it to strangers.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
On the twelfth day of Christmas
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2004:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paddy's Song (The Bricklayer's Lament)
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The airport security guard =
Stretch a digit up your rear.
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2005:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Coins kept ~
in pockets.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
CEO William Henry Gates the Third =
He cried: "Wealth, that's my religion!"
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Leaning Tower of Pisa =
I spot one giant flaw here...
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Stained motel sheets =
See that it's old semen.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Charles to wed Camilla Parker Bowles on April Eighth =
Pale old Brit will plan marriage? So, who the heck CARES?!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, February 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hoffa, the Teamster Union leader =
I hear the man's a LOT of feet under.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar nominees for Best Motion Picture: 'Sideways', 'Million Dollar Baby', 'Finding Neverland', 'The Aviator', 'Ray' =
Meet a sad vino-lover, an ambitious fighter, a children's writer, a simply intense flyboy - and a blind crooner, too!
LONG CATEGORY, February 2005:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Do They Know It's Christmas Time 2004
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The art of seduction =
Need that for coitus.
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A trained sushi chef =
He's a tuna-fish dicer!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Travel Guide To London' =
I'd love to tour England!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Chicago millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett =
See, this noted flier loves to circumnavigate Earth!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Eastern Africa =
A safari center.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Star Wars: Episodes I (The Phantom Menace), II (Attack of the Clones) and III (Revenge of the Sith) =
It irks me how these digital movie adaptations erase the past innocence of the franchise!
LONG CATEGORY, March 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[A news story clip from the DeHavilland website]
The Queen will miss the civil wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles on April 8th, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.
As the prince and Mrs Parker Bowles wished to keep the occasion a "low-key" affair, the Queen would honour their plans and stay away, the palace said.
But the sovereign intends to join the congregation at a church blessing service led by the Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams in St George's Chapel at Windsor Castle, following the civil wedding, the spokesman added.
=
Top Ten Reasons The Queen Is Ditching Charles and Camilla's Wedding:
10. Her corgis will have to be spayed for it.
9. She doesn't want to be the Belle of the Ball.
8. She saw Camilla's frock.
7. She saw Charles' frock.
6. Gift-wrapping a bag of dry Kibble can be trickier than it appears.
5. She planned a craved tryst with a suicide machine.
4. She planned to drunkenly mount a sad old equine of her own.
3. Interviewing dirty hunchbacks to man Camilla's position in Notre Dame will have her occupied.
2. Swallowing the Crown Jewels will have her occupied.
1. She's opposed to gay marriage.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A sonnet by Keats, anagrammed into three poems
each in the style of different poet
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Have safe intercourse =
I cover these fun areas.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Star Clint Eastwood ~
also wants to direct.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Despite hope, ~
the Pope dies.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
London's Westminster Abbey =
One wanders by silent tombs.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', directed by Steven Spielberg =
It's a biblical trove from God they seek, preserved in the desert.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Childhood by Michael Jackson
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
An excerpt from The Parson's Tale
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A pair of crotchless panties =
Has rip for potential access.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The legal profession =
One gets help of liars.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Beatles' Yellow Submarine =
Album's entirely below sea!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Saddam pictures in 'The Sun' =
Captured this man's undies.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The indicted singer Michael Jackson =
"Get in, scared child! Join me in the sack!"
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Parisian street =
A painter sits there.
LONG CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti: A Birthday
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The nude resorts =
There to undress!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes =
OK, is the romance simulated?
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US astronaut Neil Alden Armstrong =
Let's send this great man on a lunar tour!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
In regard to his social security plan, Bush's stated that he 'remains undeterred'. =
He then burst into a manic laughter and told his press secretary: "See, I said TURD."
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bonnie Parker & Clyde Barrow =
Known pair declare: "Robbery!"
LONG CATEGORY, June 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Top 20 picks of AFI's jury members for the most popular and lingering key quotes in motion picture history:
20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." (Casablanca)
19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" (Network)
18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!" (White Heat)
17. "Rosebud." (Citizen Kane)
16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!" (In the Heat of the Night)
15. "E.T. phone home." (E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial)
14. "The stuff that dreams are made of." (The Maltese Falcon)
13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry." (Love Story)
12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." (Apocalypse Now)
11. "What we've got here is failure to communicate." (Cool Hand Luke)
10. "You talking to me?" (Taxi Driver)
9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night." (All About Eve)
8. "May the Force be with you." (Star Wars)
7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." (Sunset Boulevard)
6. "Go ahead, make my day." (Sudden Impact)
5. "Here's looking at you, kid." (Casablanca)
4. "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." (The Wizard of Oz)
3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am." (On the Waterfront)
2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather)
1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." (Gone with the Wind)
=
Oh, a neat list of lines - but to even things out, I want to nominate 20 entries for the most *heinous* film extract ever:
20. "Did NASA find oil on Uranus, man?" (Armageddon)
19. "This is why Superman works alone." (Batman & Robin)
18. "The rat is the cleanest one." (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II)
17. "You ooze, you lose." (Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie)
16. "No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu!" (Howard The Duck)
15. "I came here to study the great American art of muff diving." (Van Wilder)
14. "Move the feet to the left, you're in my shot." (the Paris Hilton video)
13. "Die, stuffed ball of fluff!" (Death to Smoochy)
12. "I had no idea you could blow like that." (Glitter)
11. [Many men and women vomit at a funeral] (Mafia!)
10. "Grab my belly and make a wish." (Kazaam)
9. "Huh?" (Dude, Where's My Car?)
8. "I always wanted to cornhole me a blind chick." (The Toxic Avenger)
7. "Haven't you ever heard of the word "compromisation"?" (Spice World)
6. "They make my penis sneeze." (Gigli)
5. "It's turkey time! Gobble Gobble!" (Gigli)
4. "Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags." (The Attack of The Killer Tomatoes)
3. "I'm the king of the world!" (Titanic)
2. "I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango." (Battlefield Earth)
1. "One thing's sure - Inspector Clay is dead. Murdered. And somebody's responsible." (Plan Nine from Outer Space)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
John Keats: To My Brother George
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The private detective Sherlock Holmes =
I hope the clever dick solves the matter!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2005:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
President's Bathrooms at the White House =
So Bush has the time to read his new Potter.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Three Stages of Truth:
First, it is ridiculed;
Next, it is violently attacked;
Finally, it is held to be self-evident.
=
Five Hints Devised by Liars:
1. Relax the odd tic;
2. Stifle latent titters;
3. Hone the lie;
4. Stick to it dutifully;
5. Feign tears.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz =
My kind zap Fox TV, squelch GWB Jr.!
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The medical profession =
Help to confirm disease.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world." =
And if a man tries to rationalize force to conduct wars, it shows us he is George Bush.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Below is Charles Lamb's poem about a baby's death, anagrammed into a poetic paraphrase of Chekhov's story 'Sleepy' -
which adopts a different perspective.
**Warning** Nothing rude in the anagram, but it's of a disturbing nature.
On an Infant Dying as Soon as Born
Charles Lamb
I saw where in the shroud did lurk
A curious frame of Nature's work.
A flow'ret crushed in the bud,
A nameless piece of Babyhood,
Was in a cradle-coffin lying;
Extinct, with scarce the sense of dying;
So soon to exchange the imprisoning womb
For darker closets of the tomb!
She did but ope an eye, and put
A clear beam forth, then strait up shut
For the long dark: ne'er more to see
Through glasses of mortality.
Riddle of destiny, who can show
What thy short visit meant, or know
What thy errand here below?
Shall we say, that Nature blind
Check'd her hand, and changed her mind,
Just when she had exactly wrought
A finish'd pattern without fault?
Could she flag, or could she tire,
Or lack'd she the Promethean fire
(With her nine moons' long workings sicken'd)
That should thy little limbs have quicken'd?
Limbs so firm, they seem'd to assure
Life of health, and days mature:
Woman's self in miniature!
Limbs so fair, they might supply
(Themselves now but cold imagery)
The sculptor to make Beauty by.
Or did the stern-eyed Fate descry,
That babe, or mother, one must die;
So in mercy left the stock,
And cut the branch; to save the shock
Of young years widow'd; and the pain,
When Single State comes back again
To the lone man who, 'reft of wife,
Thenceforward drags a maimed life?
The economy of Heaven is dark;
And wisest clerks have miss'd the mark,
Why Human Buds, like this, should fall,
More brief than fly ephemeral,
That has his day; while shrivel'd crones
Stiffen with age to stocks and stones;
And crabbed use the conscience sears
In sinners of an hundred years.
Mother's prattle, mother's kiss,
Baby fond, thou ne'er wilt miss.
Rites, which custom does impose,
Silver bells and baby clothes;
Coral redder than those lips,
Which pale death did late eclipse;
Music framed for infants' glee,
Whistle never tuned for thee;
Though thou want'st not, thou shalt have them,
Loving hearts were they which gave them.
Let not one be missing; nurse,
See them laid upon the hearse
Of infant slain by doom perverse.
Why should kings and nobles have
Pictured trophies to their grave;
And we, churls, to thee deny
Thy pretty toys with thee to lie,
A more harmless vanity?
=
Sleepy
(Based on a short story by Anton Chekhov)
A shoddy lantern lights the scene.
It's twenty after two o'clock
And nurse-maid Varka, aged thirteen,
Can hardly make the cradle rock.
Her eyelids droop, her fingers slip;
Sleep beckons, but she won't succumb.
Reminded of her master's whip,
She carries on her drowsy hum:
'Oh hush, my little baby, hush
So tender dreams come in a rush.'
The child is crying constantly.
As if bewitched, he won't calm down.
The hollers blend into a sea
In which poor Varka drifts and drowns...
She fights to rifle through the mist
And stumbles on a new display:
A crowd of nomads who persist
To wade along the muddy way.
And suddenly, the vagrants fall
Into the mud, two-inches deep.
"Oh - what's that rite for?", Varka calls.
"To sleep!", they answer her, "To sleep!"
A change of scene - she's in her hut.
Her father's twitching on the floor,
His fists are clenched, his eyes are shut.
A body no man can restore.
Her mother weeps, and by the door
The doctor frowns and seeks his horse.
A fright fills Varka's very core,
It hits her with a stunning force -
She's smacked and wakes. Her master fumes.
"Fie! Nodding off, you wretched thing?"
And in the window - daybreak looms,
To bode dull chores the morning brings:
To boil the tea and wipe the plates,
To fix the fence and mend a vest.
But no command can truly grate -
They get the mind off peaceful rest...
Her neck's quite stiff. Her temples throb.
She chuckles oft, though knows not why.
She calmly labors through each job
Until the day's last embers die.
The crib awaits at dinnertime.
The wee one airs his wail and moan
But now, the lines of Varka's rhyme
Are uttered in a blunted tone:
'Oh hush, my little baby, hush
So bitter dreams come in a rush.'
A flood of thoughts drives Varka mad:
Those drifters on the muddy way;
Her weeping mom and beaten dad;
A lifetime full of vile dismay.
What's keeping Varka tightly bound?
It nettles her; it taunts her so,
Until the simple answer's found.
It's him. The baby is the foe.
Ambition fuels her wearied pace:
One final chore to execute.
A pillow meets the infant's face,
Until the vicious foe is mute.
Then, as exhaustion overcomes,
She's more than willing to comply...
The room goes dim as Varka hums
Her slowly fading lullaby.
GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Signboard =
Boring ads.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mister Hyde =
Yes, I'm the Dr.!
LONG CATEGORY, September 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
House of the Rising Sun (traditional version)
There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun.
It's been the ruin of many a poor girl,
And me, Oh Lord, I'm one.
If I'd listened to what my mama said,
I'd be back home today.
But I was young and foolish,
I let a rambler lead me astray.
My mama she's a tailor,
She sewed my new blue jeans.
My lover, he's a gambler, Lord, Lord,
Drinks down in New Orleans.
Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and a trunk.
And the only time he'll be satisfied
Is when he's falling down drunk.
He fills his glasses to the brim,
Passes them all around,
Only thing he wants out of life
Is to roam from town to town.
Please tell my baby sister
Not to do like I have done,
Shun that house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun.
I got one foot on the platform,
The other one on the train.
I'm going back to New Orleans
To wear that ball and chain.
Yes I'm going back to New Orleans,
My race is almost run.
Going back to spend the rest of my days
In that House of the Rising Sun.
=
New Orleans: A reply
By God
Let me begin with a joke. I know, it's a bit harsh, but work with me.
A Christian, I'll call him Glenn, sits on his roof surrounded by a flood- Erm, make it a mud slide. Suddenly, one man floats by in a boat. "Get in!", he advises. "No! God will bail me out!", answers Glenn, and the boat goes on without him. An hour later, a family rows by in a canoe. "Get in!", they tell him. "No! God will bail me out!", says Glenn again, his sheens now muddy, and it rows on. An hour later, a ferry comes near. "Get in!", order the ones on it. "No!", Glenn insists as the mud almost reaches his mouth, "God will bail me out!". As it drifts on, Glenn sinks and dies.
In the hereafter, a bitter Glenn yells at me: "I'm a loyal Christian! Why have thou forsaken me?" "Forsaken?!" I respond, "Moron! I sent the boat, the canoe, the ferry..."
So yes, Katrina was my bad, but I sent a lot of warnings to officials: "Augment the levees", "Help the poor masses", "Hold on to the troops"... And noone heard me.
Humans can't merely wish for things. They should also *listen*.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two anagrams of a sonnet by Wilde
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The act of masturbation
Ain't that a burst of come?
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The trial of president Saddam Hussein =
It sure is hard to defend this man's plea.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
G.W. Bush, the American president =
The man's screwing it up bad here!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Beyond Multiple Choice: Evaluating Alternatives to Traditional Testing for Selection' by Milton D. Hakel =
This guide is likely to be:
[ ] A little pedantic
[ ] Darn unconvincing
[ ] A totally tiresome torment
[*] All of the above.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Midsummer Night's Dream
All's Well That Ends Well
Anthony and Cleopatra
As You Like It
Coriolanus
Cymbeline
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
Julius Caesar
Love's Labours Lost
King Henry IV
King Henry V
King Henry VI
King Henry VIII
King John
King Lear
King Richard II
King Richard III
Macbeth
Measure for Measure
Much Ado About Nothing
Othello, Moor of Venice
Pericles, Prince of Tyre
Romeo and Juliet
The Comedy of Errors
The Merchant of Venice
The Merry Wives of Windsor
The Taming of the Shrew
The Tempest
The Two Gentlemen of Verona
Timon of Athens
Titus Andronicus
Troilus and Cressida
Twelfth Night (What You Will)
Winter's Tale
=
The Divine Virtues of author William Shakespeare
He spoke of kings - yet he himself was one;
Engaged in rhyme for Love - and won much love.
In grave times he brought calm; in cold - the sun:
Main view where cheer's in but one thought thereof.
Might one small human crack his cunning skill?
Or, in an angry envy bound to fail,
Resort to fierce conceit and call this will
To pick on art profound, vast work to rail?
A certain error's found in here, methinks:
Like fine aged wine, 'tis not to madly stir,
But rather to enjoy this ancient drink
As welcome merit of our English sir.
Rejoice, all merry gems, with every part;
Delight my mind and justly claim my heart.
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A lesbian relationship =
So, I hear it'll ban a penis!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mike Newell's 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' =
Enthralling film, yet we prefer to read the books!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2005:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Macy's Parade Disaster: Balloon Falls, Hits Two =
"Well", passers-by admit, "the scandal's a lot of hot air".
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The US comedian Seinfeld =
He's often induced a smile.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life" =
No race'll be superior if not strong, clever or even fast enough? He is lying! I offer the United States of America as proof.
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Abusive relationships =
Pain? Bruises? I have lots.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa drawing =
A damsel with a grin on.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sir Elton's big day =
Not by a girl's side...
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2005:
eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Blessed Virgin Mary =
Delivers by this manger.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hitler's dictatorship =
A Third Reich's its plot.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
[Bush Teleconference With Soldiers Staged 10/13/05
WASHINGTON - It was billed as a conversation with U.S. troops, but the questions President Bush asked on a teleconference call Thursday were choreographed to match his goals for the war in Iraq and Saturday's vote on a new Iraqi constitution. "This is an important time," Allison Barber, deputy assistant defense secretary, said, coaching the soldiers before Bush arrived. "The president is looking forward to having just a conversation with you."]
Here's a small segment from the beginning of the program:
The President: Captain Kennedy?
Captain Kennedy: Yes, Mr. President.
The President: Well, it's good to see you. Thanks. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to allow me to visit with you a little bit. I've got some questions for you here in a minute, but I do want to share some thoughts with you. First, I want to thank the members of the 42nd Infantry Division and Task Force Liberty for serving our country with such distinction and honor. I want you to know that the mission you are on is vital to achieving peace and to protecting America. One of my most solemn duties, a duty that you have joined me on, is to protect the American people.
=
The rehearsal
Ms. Barber: Nice to see you, gentlemen. Prior to your discussion with the president, I want to instruct you succinctly
so the conversation won't flop; however, if anyone inquires in regard to the instructions, you'd have to pretend you've
never heard any of them.
G.W.: (chuckles) Funny color, that khaki. It sounds like a dirty joke.
Ms. Barber (sighs): And that, too. Do you have any questions so far?
G.W.: Would we also be airing the rehearsal, auntie?
Ms. Barber: Actually, I meant the troops, Mr. President.
Captain Smith: I've got one. Is it alright to mention last night's mission?
Ms. Barber: Not if it's too gory. Unless it's positive gore. I understand that one of you shined yesterday.
Captain Kennedy: That was me. I had to shoot a few Iraqis that came to the camp with a couple of odd-looking fruits.
And I'd do it again, too. I'd stop at nothing for the just cause of the US of A, ma'am.
Ms. Barber: Wonderful conviction. If it's alright with everyone, I'd like Captain Kennedy to be the spokesman. Now,
let's have a little test. Sir?
G.W.: (squints) Damn these tiny cue-cards. Where's that prompter?
Ms. Barber: I need an hour to set it up-
G.W.: Neato. Off you go, soldierinos. (switches the channel on the video screen) It's Nintendo time.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
=
It might be gibberish to most
Yet brave, they all tend to agree:
How mad and droll a verse engrossed
With lingual whims may be!
More details and an image of the ambigram
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2005:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The calendar model =
A doll had men erect.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ang Lee's film 'Brokeback Mountain' ~
about menial farm blokes necking.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar nominations unveiled =
Movies' list announced on-air.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Israeli PM Ariel Sharon =
He's in mortal peril, as I hear.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Do tell me", I asked president George W. Bush, "What's your honest opinion of Roe v. Wade?" =
"Sorry, kid", he answered, bemused, "I don't give a shit how people got out of New Orleans!"
LONG CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Little Fun With Math
1. Pick any number from 1 to 7.
2. Double your number and add 5.
3. Multiply this new total by 50.
4. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1756. If not, add 1755.
5. Subtract the four-digit year in which you were born.
6. Only a three-digit number remains. The first digit of this number was the one you picked. The last two digits are your age.
=
The Freudian Magic Trick
1. Be totally at ease.
2. Drift within your mind's depths as you leave your body behind.
3. Try to waft by a bad memory - that darn awful time in which you were hurt, subdued or humiliated.
4. Let this day's wrath float up again.
5. Find the person you blame for this terribly degrading incident...
6. You're thinking about your mother.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's sonnet 'E Tenebris' is anagrammed into 2 sonnets: one deals with heaven and the other with hell. The 3rd sonnet, which deals with the state of Man, is interwoven - which means it's comprised of the odd-numbered lines of the first anagram and the even-numbered lines of second; however, it ALSO is an anagram of Wilde's original poem.
Enjoy!
Come down, O Christ, and help me! Reach Thy hand,
For I am drowning in a stormier sea
Than Simon on Thy lake of Galilee:
The wine of life is spilt upon the sand,
My heart is as some famine-murdered land
Whence all good things have perished utterly,
And well I know my soul in Hell must lie
If I this night before God's throne should stand.
'He sleeps perchance, or rideth to the chase,
Like Baal, when his prophets howled that name
From morn to noon on Carmel's smitten height.'
Nay, peace, I shall behold, before the night,
The feet of brass, the robe more white than flame,
The wounded hands, the weary human face.
=
What splendid model of our Lord's honed art
Is Heaven, home to holiness and laughter;
Some, homely brethren and the pure of heart,
Toil often with their minds on this hereafter.
How harsh of Him to band some feelings shared
By few ones, while the sinning humans brace
The hollow need, the wrath and the despair -
And know no calm and no eternal grace!
Yes, human folk maintain duality,
But only one who'd master it shall heed
The chimes of angels, preaching piety
And species blooming from the cosmic seed;
These forces whole, in their most primal shape,
Will greet the faithful 'neath the milky cape.
=
Ah, deep within the mammoth core of Hell
Are human souls, their own fate contemplating;
Some - foolish slobs, whipped daily in a cell,
While others - heathens, chiefly bent on hating.
Among these halls roam watchers, who are feared
By holy man and hostile fiend alike:
Enormous hounds and pythons, always near;
All hidden, waiting for the cue to strike.
The mud, the fire and the shouts of men
Forever caught between these elements -
They feed the Tempter, roaring in his den
And demons' hollers, brimming with dissent.
The brink of Hell - this parted, horrid gape -
Shall form a doom which noone can escape.
=
What splendid model of our Lord's honed art
Are human souls, their own fate contemplating;
Some, homely brethren and the pure of heart,
While others - heathens, chiefly bent on hating.
How harsh of Him to band some feelings shared
By holy man and hostile fiend alike:
The hollow need, the wrath and the despair -
All hidden, waiting for the cue to strike.
Yes, human folk maintain duality,
Forever caught between these elements -
The chimes of angels, preaching piety
And demons' hollers, brimming with dissent.
These forces whole, in their most primal shape,
Shall form a doom which noone can escape.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A plate of spaghettini =
Get a pile of thin pasta.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Steve Martin plays Inspector Clouseau =
Vacuous man's copy? Peter Sellers it ain't!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Danish newspaper cartoon angers the Muslims =
Seems a plain pen is much stronger than a sword...
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie =
Trade a Jen to nail Big Lip.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
vice (noun):
1. Moral depravity or corruption
2. A moral fault or failing
3. A habitual and usually trivial defect or shortcoming.
=
vice president:
1. A common fill-in
2. Valued authority or motivator for a crucial hour
3. An arrogant old US bully firing at a pal.
LONG CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
MacArthur Park (Lyrics and music by Jimmy Webb)
Spring was never waiting for us, girl
It ran one step ahead
As we followed in the dance
Between the parted pages and were pressed,
In love's hot, fevered iron
Like a striped pair of pants
I recall the yellow cotton dress
Foaming like a wave
On the ground around your knees
The birds, like tender babies in your hands
And the old men playing checkers by the trees
There will be another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be another dream for me
Someone will bring it
I will drink the wine while it is warm
And never let you catch me looking at the sun
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
You'll still be the one.
I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it
I will have the things that I desire
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky.
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
I'll be thinking of you
And wondering why.
MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down...
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!=
Originally performed by Richard Harris, the weird ballad went to #2 on Billboard in 1968. In 1978, the Donna Summer update reinvented it and it ranked #1; Ever since, the eerie lines have been referred to as 'Worst Lyrics EVER'.
All-in-all I will agree, the awful lyrics indeed have a knack for inferior phrasing. However, I feel like further dwelling on the Wonderful World of Worst Ever Lyrics is needed:
"Only time will tell if we stand the test of time." (The verbal ingenuity of 'Van Halen')
"I'm drinkin' a soy latte \ I get a double shot-e \ It goes right through my body \ And you know I'm satisfied." (Madonna tries to rap)
"It's gettin' hot in here \ So take off all your clothes! \ I am gettin' so hot \ I wanna take my clothes off!" (Nelly's feeble plan works)
"I'm real \ Even on Oprah." (J-Lo fails to fake authenticity)
"He walks up to the closet \ He comes up to the closet \ Now he's at the closet \ Now he's opening the closet." (R. Kelly weaves a fine tale)
"Keep your head still \ I'll be your thrill \ The night will go on \ My little windmill." ('Blink 182' find a rhyming, if a wee bit awkward, nickname for a girlfriend)
"I woke up this morning with a bad hangover \ And my penis was missing again \ This happens all the time \ It's detachable." ('King Missile'. Well, I think we have a winner!)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Below is an anagram of this very text, in which renowned men (thirteen overall) are arranged in a rather particular order, as each man's name is entirely comprised of the rear of the name preceding it and the start of the name succeeding it. Our circular chain is currently shown under some hints (the men's short descriptions, number of letters) and a small spoiler space, granting all big brains an opportunity to decipher this riddle - although any person may simply scroll down for the answer.
Enjoy!
=
1. Christian saint (6)
2. French mathematician (8)
3. US thespian ('The Odd Couple') (7)
4. US thespian and film director ('Another Woman') (5)
5. German fantasy writer ('The Neverending Story') (4)
6. US film director ('Cleopatra') (7)
7. US playwright and essayist ('Death of a Salesman') (6)
8. Jewish-Austrian psychologist (5)
9. German conductor (8)
10. English writer and essayist ('Fever Pitch') (6)
11. English poet ('Prometheus') (5)
12. US\Norwegian Antarctic explorer (5)
13. Roman emperor (4)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
1. Robert 2. Bertrand 3. Randall 4. Allen 5. Ende 6. DeMille 7. Miller
8. Reich 9. Eichhorn 10. Hornby 11. Byron 12. Ronne 13. Nero.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
O Solitude! if I must with thee dwell,
Let it not be among the jumbled heap
Of murky buildings; climb with me the steep,-
Nature's observatory - whence the dell,
Its flowery slopes, its river's crystal swell,
May seem a span; let me thy vigils keep
'Mongst boughs pavillion'd, where the deer's swift leap
Startles the wild bee from the fox-glove bell.
But though I'll gladly trace these scenes with thee,
Yet the sweet converse of an innocent mind,
Whose words are images of thoughts refin'd,
Is my soul's pleasure; and it sure must be
Almost the highest bliss of human-kind,
When to thy haunts two kindred spirits flee.=
Cursed loneliness! She dogs me 'tween the walls
Of the glum cubicle, so dimly lit;
My luck seems fixed, but while I'm in her thrall,
Perhaps some splendid spot would better fit -
A tufted valley with this bubbly stream,
Near gorgeous willow trees that gently sway;
I could hear hooves of mighty elks, that team
On velvet hills to fight the pests away...
No, loneliness in settings so serene
Shan't hurt me - but I'd be bereft of glee;
How prettier those kingdoms would have been
If just one person shared the bliss with me!
Prime wealths, envisaged with much time to spend,
Seem worthless - if they lack a trusty friend.
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A cure for bald males =
A dream for cue-balls.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'On the Origin of Species' by author Charles Darwin =
Big theory which infers our ancestor is an old ape.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Media report on avian flu cases =
Paranoid tales of virus menace.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Slobodan Milosevic =
Don't sob over him, after prison-cell demise.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft Help and Support Website =
Stupid patch! Problem is often worse!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. (Arnold Toynbee) =
I remain most livid over a greatly incorrect adage, as it is *I* who grovel and lick my Yankee master's loafer! (Tony Blair)
LONG CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's quickly survey all of the 78th Academy Awards winners:
Best Motion Picture "Crash"
Best Director: Ang Lee
Best Lead Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney
Best Lead Actress: Reese Witherspoon
Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz
Best Original Screenplay: "Crash"
Best Adapted Screenplay: "Brokeback Mountain"
Best Editing: "Crash"
Best Cinematography: "Memoirs of a Geisha"
Best Art Direction: "Memoirs of a Geisha" [John Myhre and Gretchen Rau]
Best Costume Design: "Memoirs of a Geisha" [Colleen Atwood]
Best Makeup: "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe"
Best Sound Editing: "King Kong"
Best Sound Mixing: "King Kong"
Best Visual Effects: "King Kong"
Best Original Score: "Brokeback Mountain" [Gustavo Santaolalla]
Best Original Song: "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" [Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard]
Best Foreign Language Film: "Tsotsi"
Best Documentary: "March of the Penguins"
Best Short Documentary: "A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin"
Best Animated Film: ŇWallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-RabbitÓ
Best Animated Short Film: "The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation"
Best Live Action Short Film: "Six Shooter"
=
But never mind these... Time to see who the new Golden Raspberry winners are:
Worst Picture: A random strand of gross-out scenes titled "Dirty Love"
Most Unbearable Actor: That ignoble Rob Schneider constantly mugging for the camera in "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo"
Most Unbearable Actress: A boob-enhanced Jenny McCarthy assuming Skank Mode in "Dirty Love"
Sorriest Supporting Actor: Hayden Christensen's stiff face attempting to emote in George Lucas's "Star Wars Episode III"
Tackiest Supporting Actress: Famous-but-talentless heiress Paris Hilton being slaughtered and somehow sucking at it in "House of Wax"
Most Boring Screen Couple: The mind-boggling mismatch of Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman in the feeble fiasco "Bewitched"
Most Abominable Remake\Sequel: The instant box-office bomb "Son of the Mask"
Most Amateurish Script: An unspeakable draft that Ms. McCarthy has penned for "Dirty Love"
Crappiest Director: The hack John Asher for his homage to gonorrhea, "Dirty Love"
Most Tiresome Tabloid Target (AKA Biggest Douchebag): Crazed scientologist and pest Tom Cruise, for going bananas on Oprah's couch, babbling incoherently about Katie Holmes and being a freak in general.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Poisoning Pigeons In The Park
Tom Lehrer
Spring is here, ah-spah-ring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring. I do. Don't you?
'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me...
All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me,
As we poison the pigeons in the park.
When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide...
The sun's shining bright,
Everything seems all right,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.
So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment,
Except for the few we take home to experiment...
My pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strych'nine
We feed to a pigeon
(It just takes a smidgin)
To poison a pigeon in the park!
=
A Weekly Entertainment
An ode arranged by Dick "Trigger Happy" Cheney and the Smoking Guns
It's hunting time! It's hunting time!
An airborne grouse and a gun sublime!
Yes, I must say - on weekends, I'm fond of one keen little hunt. A lot. You're not?
Go get shot!
You see, only some stooge won't admire it
And this shadowy wish which inspires it:
On my weekend retreats
I feel eerily sweet
When I pepper my pal in the face.
No impaired quails in flight
Would evoke this delight
As I pepper my pal in the face.
When those buckshots go in, they are sure to make quite a dent
But those are the risks when one hunts with Vice Presidents...
Even oil rigs or drills
Are no match to the thrills
When I pepper my pal in the face.
Well, I smoothly aspire
To feign a misfire,
But really aim higher
At his head.
And if he expires,
And someone inquires,
I'd long be retired
Or already dead.
So why go on this gun-toting journey
Without bagging me an attorney?
Come by next time, you may
View an awesome display
Of me, peppering our pals in the face.
Oh, we'd have tons of fun
And perhaps gun down nuns
While we pepper our pals in the face.
All week long I spook international terrorists
So how truly important one tiniest error is?
Yes, even Dick Nixon
Was getting his kicks on
One peppering diet -
Oh, ain't it a riot
To pepper my pals in the face!
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The nudist community =
I must not hide my cunt!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American president George Walker Bush =
Gee, the liar's rating numbers drop each week!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes name their baby Suri, supposedly the Jewish word for 'Princess' =
Maybe I should interject (as I speak Hebrew): I fear there's simply NO such word, stupid morons!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
In An Artist's Studio
One face looks out from all his canvasses,
One selfsame figure sits or walks or leans;
We found her hidden just behind those screens,
That mirror gave back all her loveliness.
A queen in opal or in ruby dress,
A nameless girl in freshest summer greens,
A saint, an angel;--every canvass means
The same one meaning, neither more nor less.
He feeds upon her face by day and night,
And she with true kind eyes looks back on him
Fair as the moon and joyful as the light;
Not wan with waiting, not with sorrow dim;
Not as she is, but was when hope shone bright;
Not as she is, but as she fills his dream.
=
La Gioconda: A Mona Lisa hymn
Enigmas lose their freshness over time
Once interest fades - although, I shall confess,
None have the sense of honor so sublime
A beaming woman's portrait shall possess.
Returning to her shrine, a slew of stares
Drifts on and scans her alabaster skin;
Onlookers, fans and musers here and there
Debate just what this Goddess hides within:
A nonchalant rebuff? New quirk or joke?
Vitality or shrewdness? Either way,
I think her smashing image shall invoke
New fables and assumptions every day.
Confuse me, Siren, then my soul beguile -
I can do nought but answer with a smile.
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dominants =
Into S-and-M.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sumo tournaments =
Enormous mutants!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Screen icon Fred Astaire =
One's dances are terrific!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Gary Griffin book, 'Penis Enlargement Methods: Fact and Phallusy'=
One fraud by a hack tells the men to find a proper magnifying glass!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Peace Proposal
(From Shel Silverstein's 'Where The Sidewalk Ends')
Said General Clay to General Gore,
"Really must we fight this silly war?
To kill and die is such a bore."
"I quite agree", said General Gore.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
"We could go to the beach today
And have some ice cream on the way."
"A grand idea", said General Clay.
Said General Clay to General Gore,
"We'll build sand castles on the shore."
Said General Gore, "We'll splash and play."
"Let's leave right now", said General Clay.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
"But what if the sea is closed today
And what if the sand's been blown away?"
"A dreadful thought", said General Clay.
Said General Gore to General Clay,
"I've always feared the ocean's spray.
And we may drown." "It's true, we may.
It chills my blood", said General Clay.
Said General Clay to General Gore,
"My bathing suit is slightly tore.
We better go on with our war."
"I quite agree", said General Gore
Then General Clay charged General Gore
As bullets flew and cannons roared.
And now, alas, there is no more
Of General Clay or General Gore.=
A Rich War
George W. Dense called his last ally Blair.
"Gosh, a war in Iraq sure was cool to declare!
Let's wage a new war, 'cause my voters are tense.
Are you game, ally?", queried George W. Dense.
Last ally Blair told George W. Dense:
"Great, capital concept... yet I'm on the fence."
"Oh, courage! Dear god, you are gayer than Cher!",
George W. Dense needled last ally Blair.
George W. Dense egged on last ally Blair:
"If we don't stay together, we don't have a prayer!
Anyhow, it's a matter of nash'nal defense,
A real pressing danger", said George W. Dense.
George W. Dense said to last ally Blair:
"A large gang for Allah is roving out there!
They'll concoct nuclear damage and give us a scare!",
George W. Dense told his last ally Blair.
Last ally Blair told George W. Dense:
"Such sheer paranoia. You are not making sense."
"Ah, I see! Good golly, you are after my chair!",
George W. Dense yelled at last ally Blair.
This called for a duel between Ally and Dense;
Each man hit his mark with precision, and hence
All things, once again, are idyllic and fair
With no Georgie the Dense, nor his last ally Blair.
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Lack of inches =
An elfish cock.
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Professional lion tamer =
One's in peril of a lost arm.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last Supper" =
Lord Savior and pupils at the scene.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Iranians' nuclear weapons =
I can see another war in US plan.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Saddam Hussein =
Punish the arrested man for misdeeds.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Michael Gerson, top speech-writer to president Bush for years, is leaving the administration =
Having inspected that report, I am basically surprised! Someone *wrote* these inferior things?!
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The World Cup Finals in Germany =
Nap? Screw? Only during halftime!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A man lives on the 10th floor of his apartment building. Every single day he takes the elevator to go down to the ground floor and goes to work. When he returns, he takes the elevator to the 7th floor and walks the remainder of the trip up the stairs, but if it is a rainy day, he proceeds to ride it all the way up. He doesn't like walking, and there is definitely nothing wrong with his mind or the elevator. Can you conclude why he does it?
[ANSWER]
This man is a dwarf and simply can't reach his desired button. If it's raining he has an umbrella and uses it to reach his floor number.
=
Officers find a short man hanging in a large, entirely empty room that's locked from the inside, and there's a puddle of water under the poor person's feet. Naturally, they believe it's a murder, observing that since the noose is too high to reach and it's a rainy day, the puddle is where the assailant stood and this murderer had to retreat through the window. However, an astute rookie thinks this isn't a murder at all but really an inventive suicide. Why would he think that?
[ANSWER]
The poor fellow took his own life by hanging himself while standing on a block of ice.
The sketch (replayed here, now somehow set in the USA), which in its heyday starred the legendary actor Peter Sellers and Michael Bentine, has, I hope, remained one of the best gags ever.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Wilfred Owen's Anthem for Doomed Youth
What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.
What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of good-byes.
The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.
=
The Soldier's Death
So long. It drapes me, death's unholy stench.
My crypt is in this putrid, muddy trench.
Begone. Be well. I shall not bear to be
A veteran, that simply isn't me.
Who needs war-medals, shining on the shelf,
If 'Selfless' is in fact my loss of self?
The enemy so near, I'd soon embrace
This darkness terrible, but full of grace...
How daft or merely innocent it was
To hope we battled for this global cause.
Oh, I should learn: All flesh is only grass
Which blades grow higher when the dead amass.
I think too many men, and proper ones,
Were rather fond of horror, thrills or guns...
How droll of them. No, only love stands strong.
I grasp it now, the truth of life... So long.
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A shirt's wet? =
Saw her tits!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Three Israeli soldiers are captured =
There's a prelude to a real dire crisis...
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Leader of the British Labour Party =
Blair, the toady lap-terrier of Bush.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Vatican Observatory =
Vicar, note thy star above!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
'One Thousand Places to See Before You Die', an American guidebook for travellers written by Patricia Schultz =
Hey, it includes treasures to tour abroad, like Big Ben, Louvre, Tower of Pisa, Florence Cityscape and the Amazon!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The 'American Book Review' folks had honored the readers with a hundred hailed 1st lines in literature. Here's just a peek, then, at their top 10:
10. "I am an invisible man." (Invisible Man)
9. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair." (A Tale of Two Cities)
8. "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen." (1984)
7. "riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs." (Finnegans Wake)
6. "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (Anna Karenina)
5. "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins." (Lolita)
4. "Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice. (One Hundred Years of Solitude)
3. "A screaming comes across the sky." (Gravity's Rainbow)
2. "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." (Pride and Prejudice)
1. "Call me Ishmael." (Moby Dick)
=
As I love to roam inconceivably vile fiction, I feel I am a bit guilty of being a vicious fan of illiteracy - so I offer you, if I may, a slice of it in my official list of 10 quite cataclysmic citations I obtained from a few (mostly trivial) books:
10. "All who knew Yas, knew Yas was freakin'." (Beyond The Known)
9. "She wanted to wrap her legs around him the way a tree wraps itself around a mountain." (Bodysmasher)
8. "Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of clothing." (The Stonebreakers)
7. "No! No! No! No! Oh, God in heaven! This cannot be!" (The Scarlet Pimpernel)
6. "Pin-stripes were erotic, the uniform of fathers, two-dimensional fathers. Even Mr. Hughes's penis had a seductive pin-striped foreskin." (Tread Softly)
5. "Her ears were filled with the sound of a soft but frantic gasping and it was some time before she identified it as her own." (Charlotte Gray)
4. "She made a noise somewhere between a beached seal and a police siren." (The Matter of the Heart)
3. "Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman? She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa... Aiwa." (Kissing England)
2. "It was a dark and stormy night..." (Paul Clifford)
1. "She stuck to his prime grade-A tush like shrink-wrap to a rump roast." (Nobody Does It Better)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Holy Tango of Literature.
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
Eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A game of Russian Roulette =
A failure's sent to a morgue.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Martin Luther King's famous "I Have A Dream" =
A valued human-rights manifesto, I remark!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
War in South Lebanon =
A whole nation burns.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The actor Mel Gibson =
Bottle in car? Gosh, me?!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Lord of the Rings' Fan Club =
Boring chat full of nerds.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
'Five Steps To Spiritual Growth: A Journey', written by Peter M. Kalellis=
1. Buy paper;
2. Fill with junk;
3. Sell raves to twits;
4. Get money;
5. Retire to Paris.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
GIBSON'S APOLOGY EMBRACED BY JEWISH GROUPS
Mel Gibson has been invited to meet with three prominent American Jewish groups, after his apology for making anti-Semitic remarks when he was arrested for drunk driving last week.
Gibson is alleged to have voiced his apparent hatred of Jews as he was being questioned by California police officer James Mee after he was caught speeding through Malibu, California, while drunk.
He has apologised publicly, asking the Jewish community to assist his "journey through recovery". The 1939 Club, New York's Museum of Jewish Heritage and a Beverly Hills rabbi have all reached out to Gibson to meet with them.
1939 Club president William Elperin says. "Our members are offering that help, by assisting Mr Gibson in understanding the extremes of anti-Semitism and what they and their families - many of whom were slaughtered by the Nazis - endured."
=
MEL GIBSON JUGGLES SEVERAL FILM PROJECTS
Mel won't abide his being stamped a bible-thumping weirdo. "Because of his sparring with the law and the Jewish community, he wishes to remain a big name in show business", his agent said, "which is why he's juggling many new film projects."
Here are some of them:
"Eva and I": The rather sad WWII tale of a weary couple shut in a Berlin bomb shelter.
"Diaries of the Clerks of Zino": Investigator James Huxley (played by Gibson) uncovers a hidden plot for world domination.
"The Merchant Massacre": A modern thriller, based on the play by William Shakespeare, about a grotesque murderer in present-day Venice.
"The Kyle Kane Knights": A guard group of vigilantes formed by Kyle Kane (Gibson) becomes a huge army fighting for pure-white freedom.
"Irving": The life of the respected British historian and his most courageous war with the Austrian justice system.
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2006:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The cheap motel =
Help me to cheat.
GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The criminal defense attorney =
Man hired to set any client free.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" =
We enter a world which is behind that closet.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin Killed By A Stingray =
Dying diver will utter his last, ocean-borne "Crikey!"
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pope Benedict's anti-Islam remarks in that speech have angered the Muslim world =
The Vatican spokesman pledged: "I blame it on the speechwriter, Mr. Salman Rushdie!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's weather-themed sonnet is anagrammed into a series of 4 seasonal sonnets, each with its fitting acrostic. Enjoy!
To me, fair friend, you never can be old,
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still. Three winters cold,
Have from the forests shook three summers' pride,
Three beauteous springs to yellow autumn turned,
In process of the seasons have I seen,
Three April perfumes in three hot Junes burned,
Since first I saw you fresh, which yet are green.
Ah! yet doth beauty like a dial-hand,
Steal from his figure, and no pace perceived;
So your sweet hue, which methinks still doth stand,
Hath motion, and mine eye may be deceived:
For fear of which, hear this thou age unbred:
Ere you were born was beauty's summer dead.
=
Such lust you wake with sunlight as your suit!
Unyielding rays gave you their glow, it seems.
My raw desire, once this bashful fruit,
Matured and ripened under fervent beams.
Endure, Oh cheery fire-sprite of June!
Relieve this heart bewitched with moody air;
Breathe in your kiss the awesome heat of dunes
To soothe my cheeks, then tease them with your hair.
Don't hide away or fear this fevered dare;
Can heaven reach you if you merely yearn?
None can repress the force of passion's flare;
If we were doomed to burn, then let us burn!
Come, flame, consume these bodies firmly pressed -
Beneath the ash, our seed should prosper best.
=
As fierce September winds of early morn
Unleash their murmurs to the misty air,
Their northbound puffs, with impudence and scorn,
Unravelling your finely-braided hair,
My peace becomes one troubled reverie.
Now that the summer cheer, so brief, has faded,
I see your comely features, once woe-free,
Bear haunted outlines, sane while strained and jaded.
But when I pause those thoughts of yesterday,
It strikes me that these worries have no need:
Your eyes survey me in your feisty way
And every fear which bothered me recedes.
Though each of us treads through this season sole,
The spark of life within you keeps us whole.
=
Where are those summer days or autumn nights,
I often muse when feebly we embrace
Near hearth in vain, then sense some noise with fright -
These storms of ice which feud outside our place.
Each week we suffer January's flurry;
Recluse and hidden, buried under frost.
You're pained to see my rhymes are bleak and blurry;
It seems my flair for poetry is lost...
And yet, I care not for the poet's duty:
What purpose has this insincere device
If you're beside me? Odes shan't match your beauty.
Your heartbeat near my own dissolved the ice.
Though Weather, heinous foe, shrieks high above,
Deep underneath, these roots will feed our love.
=
So many joyous birds soar through the sky!
Purer than pure, their cheerful chirps and tunes
Rush by the handsome house, then flutter high
In this real cherished, mid-March afternoon.
New flowers everywhere, like wide-eyed fairies,
Grace Nature's blouse and douse it with perfume...
I meet this blossom's hues, this petal airy:
The cherry tree, once faint and weak, now blooms.
You see, my fair-eyed bride, the year flew by;
Four seasons came and waned before our eyes,
And every time affection seemed to die
You've shown me that a true one never dies.
The future's here, my wife, it has begun:
At last, our love produced this precious son.
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Male sexual dysfunction =
One climaxes unduly fast!
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Traditional wedding ceremonies =
Two declaring "I do" need a minister.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The 'Cappella Sistina' frescoes =
Sit speechless in a place of art.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A question to G.W. that he prefers to ignore: ~
When are these troops getting out of iraq?
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The American President George W. Bush =
We can agree he's not bright, I'd presume?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar Wilde poem 'Les Silhouettes'
The sea is flecked with bars of grey,
The dull dead wind is out of tune,
And like a withered leaf the moon
Is blown across the stormy bay.
Etched clear upon the pallid sand
Lies the black boat: a sailor boy
Clambers aboard in careless joy
With laughing face and gleaming hand.
And overhead the curlews cry,
Where through the dusky upland grass
The young brown-throated reapers pass,
Like silhouettes against the sky.
=
When idle shadows wrap me in the night,
THeir lucid hush a brutal lullaby,
I fEel a horrid woe that grabs me tight
As lEngthy hours pass so sluggishly.
If onLy I could have just one more week -
A day, a Second - near her brittle grace,
To kiss Or pat, at ease, her pretty cheek
As we proFess the cheer in our embrace...
As ScarleT dusk puts on a dowdy Black,
I hide here In the coldness of that bed.
Feast, Agony! My Sweet will not be back;
It all has gonE so old and dull and dead.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A McDonald's Restaurant =
Damn lardass at counter!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan =
An abnormal foreign kook realizing the brutal, racist nature of some fanatic USA folk.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Penis enhancement surgeries =
See puniest men garner inches.
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The cigarette company =
I pay them to get cancer.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2006:
eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Royal New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals =
Yes, plenty of men loved a certain lot of creatures... in the horizontal way.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hey, heed a Santa at the mall,
Spooking minors big and small.
He's a groggy, eerie brute;
That's gravy on the guy's red suit!
When to them he'd turn his eye,
Every kid would run and cry!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
=
Saint Nick And His Encounter With Reality
'Twas Yuletide, and in the estate in Bel-Air,
Not one person was working, not even au pairs.
The children watched violent shows in their room,
And Divorced Dad, downstairs, downed his scotch in a gloom,
When, out from the snow, jolly Santa appeared,
With that huge sack of toys and his glowing white beard.
He opened the window, then slipped in with charm,
Unaware that he triggered the silent alarm.
"Ho Ho Ho!", he told Dad, "Merry Christmas, my boy!
Can't Saint Nick have a cookie? He brought all of you toys!",
But the man didn't answer at all, and instead
Broke the bottle of whiskey on old Santa's head.
When Santa could finally open his eyes,
He was down at the precinct, where several guys
Searched his teeth with some flashlight, then shaved off his beard...
It was plain from his mugshot that Santa looked weird!
"Ho Ho Holdup!", the headline said when he was tried;
In the courtroom, glum Santa sat, handcuffed, and sighed.
With no earthly possession but toys, the old elf
Couldn't find a good lawyer - he defended himself.
Throughout the whole trial, he felt bitter and weak;
He was labelled a thief, so his chances looked bleak.
When his sentence was read, Santa's mouth opened wide:
For breaking and entering, six years inside!
He was whisked off to jail, where that red, puffy suit
Prompted inmates to hoot at him "Bitch!" or "Hey, fruit!",
But the worst thing of all - he was sharing his cell
With one creepy inmate named "Butt-Poking Mel".
The psycho approached him with his contraband knife,
Determined to make sheepish Santa his wife -
Then, just when it looked like the end of Kris Kringle,
He suddenly heard this familiar jingle.
With cheer in their hearts and a wag in their tails,
His reindeer had burst through the wall of the jail!
"Hoorah!", howled Santa Clause, laughing so hard
When Rudolph's sharp horns skewered two of the guards.
The joyous St. Nick then climbed into the sleigh,
Shouting "Follow me, men!" as he hastened away;
The killers escaped through the hole in the wall,
And were then promptly goaded by Santa's mad call:
"Now, Rifkin! Now, Malvo! Now, Seda! Now, Manson!
Now, Chapman and Berkowitz! Now, Testa and Hansen!
Attack! Kill them all!", he exclaimed, the fat fellow,
Then, flying quite high, he unleashed one last bellow:
"Farewell, skeptic humans! Father Christmas is pissed.
You are all under 'Naughty' this year on the list!
Oh, how flawed you've become, chasing money and boobs,
While sweetness and innocence went down the tubes.
You scream on the highway and fight at the mall...
Living life without pep is not worth it at all!
I'm off to plan war on your Earth with the elves.
Happy Holidays, douche bags, and go screw yourselves!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Military weapon =
Employ it in a war.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Puccini's opera 'Madame Butterfly' =
Macabre play put to refined music.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
United States politics =
Suspect it's oil-tainted.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Immortal Bard, William Shakespeare =
This admirable writer shall make a poem.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Poem at Steve Irwin's burial
This still Aussie, there he lies
After a marine demise.
Swiftly did that brat depart
When that stingray stabbed his heart.
May you win eternal love -
Lifting crocodiles, above!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
http://www.anagrammy.com/misc/jumble.htm
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The US singer Britney Spears =
Bares her pussy? Interesting!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The defibrillator =
For ill heart, I'd bet!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar Wilde's novel 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' =
He conceals a now overly disfigured portrait.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Plains of the Serengeti =
Spot giant felines here.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Stanley Kubrick's film "Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb"=
Bloody funny romp, involving a stark cold-war-gone-berserk theme, obliterates this world.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
British Marines in Shatt al-Arab waterway=
Blair starts a war with the Iranians, maybe?
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Clinton, the former president of the USA =
I am now free of politics... I let the Mrs. run the land!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mount Rushmore National Memorial =
I honor a real immortal US monument.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Immensely thankful, touched, proud, astonished, abashed." =
"Only a man that refused to be hushed could speak his mind."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Cupid laid by his brand, and fell asleep:
A maid of Dian's this advantage found,
And his love-kindling fire did quickly steep
In a cold valley-fountain of that ground;
Which borrow'd from this holy fire of Love
A dateless lively heat, still to endure,
And grew a seething bath, which yet men prove
Against strange maladies a sovereign cure.
But at my mistress' eye Love's brand new-fired,
The boy for trial needs would touch my breast;
I, sick withal, the help of bath desired,
And thither hied, a sad distemper'd guest,
But found no cure: the bath for my help lies
Where Cupid got new fire--my mistress' eyes.=
The Perfect Gift
I viewed that field quite affably in spring:
The budding color, odor fresh and pure;
I uttered "No" to oh-so many rings,
Where precious stones, or silver, hid, secure;
I eyed a frosted stack of hand-made candy:
Huge, gracious wealths of truffles, standing tall;
I harked a songbird, so alive and dandy...
But, fie! I wouldn't offer these at all:
My darling's voice tops any bluebird's tweet;
Her breasts - no flower livelier than them.
What lure has chocolate? She's divinely sweet;
Why buy that diamond? She's my valid gem.
I'd make this bid, this humble valentine,
And happily I'd plead: My dear, be mine.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Silence is golden in ~
Celine Dion singles.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Students' Massacre at Virginia Tech =
This sad, tragic event stuns America.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin =
Insobriety is the reason for my pickled liver, then?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Two loves I have of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman colour'd ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turn'd fiend
Suspect I may, but not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell:
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.
=
How futile to recall the Vile
That practiced guile and evil scorn:
Some former pains incite that bile,
And Evil lives in men, reborn.
I'll say old brutes do not appall
My world, where dignity lives on;
They're now but phantoms, after all.
It's time to rate them stopped and gone.
---
Good God, why are the gifted few
Who boldly fight for good, unsung?
I think my claim is trite but true:
Among us, best men oft die young.
But, though they are interred in tombs,
We may still meet with them afresh:
In years to come, their spark will bloom;
It will imbue our bones and flesh.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2007:
Eq. 1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End =
The noble epic of bandits was rated "Arr!" ;)
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Kate Moss, a supermodel =
So, most meals are puked?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mount Everest in the Himalayas =
Heaven's a reality on the summit!
LONG CATEGORY, May 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Below are a few favored entries from the Washington Post's Style Invitational archives, in which readers were asked to alter words by a single letter, redefining them as a result:
Fuhrenheit: The temperature in Hell.
Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can't figure out how to work the copying machine.
Fearcical: Ludicrous yet vaguely alarming. "There's a fearcical rumor we're going to invade Venezuela."
Emacidate: Go out with a fashion model.
Demoticon: A little symbol signifying bad news on an e-mail from the boss.
Unergy: A condition that strikes people on the way to work, mostly on Mondays.
Entrophy: The consequence of resting on one's laurels.
Enguish: What elocution teachers feel when they hear the president on the radio.
Fatulence: That squishing noise of thighs rubbing together.
Foresking: The best mohel in town.
Forget-me-note: A Dear John letter.
=
Let me try the unique concept, by anagramming literature:
"A Net Perp": The Boy Who Would Not Grow Up goes too far when chatting with teens online.
"Thelma": The prince of Denmark struggles with serious gender issues.
"On A Hive": Sir Walter Scott's hero proves to be no match to a ferocious swarm of annoyed bees.
"Row, Mateys!": Mark Twain's tale of one young rogue and his friend Huck Finn who lead a fierce mutiny on a hobo-slave ship.
"The Hog Farted": Mario Puzo's novel, where one pig's flatulence sets off the legendary fight between cruel mobs in the N.Y. Zoo.
"1849": The eerie story imagining Ireland as a totalitarian society, in which the famished folk are not allowed to eat the potatoes.
"Cheery In The Cart": J.D. Salinger's Holden forgets his troubled melancholy for one gleeful ride in his little wagon.
"Vitriol Stew": The Dickensian urchin regrets the request: "May I have another?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
If I were loved, as I desire to be,
What is there in the great sphere of the earth,
And range of evil between death and birth,
That I should fear, if I were loved by thee?
All the inner, all the outer world of pain
Clear Love would pierce and cleave, if thou wert mine
As I have heard that, somewhere in the main,
Fresh-water springs come up through bitter brine.
'T were joy, not fear, claspt hand-in-hand with thee,
To wait for death--mute--careless of all ills,
Apart upon a mountain, tho' the surge
Of some new deluge from a thousand hills
Flung leagues of roaring foam into the gorge
Below us, as far on as eye could see.
=
An Ode of A Healing Heart
As woes abound, 'tis harder to suppose
Life will get better soon, but fairly worse,
From bitter grief to far more hated foes;
Right now, I have to suffer through that curse.
Euphoric, I had loved her, I declare,
Despite the differences, and then, it seems,
That heat was lost in our abrupt affair,
Eternal no more than a fleeting dream.
No, I will never touch her face with glee
Nor guide her to our bed when she feels blue -
Yet I shall have a thought to strengthen me:
She once had loved me, while our love was true.
One raw pain at a time will fade, and then,
New joys will all appear in me, again.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Last novel of the Harry Potter series =
Her 'Part Seven' of a little hero's story.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
Eq.3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paris Hilton Free =
Left prison, I hear.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The CNN interviewer Larry King =
Wrinkly thing can never retire.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The ABC network says it had chosen to find a new title for the show
"Sam I Am" due to a threat it recieved, written by Dr. Seuss lawyers =
That letter stated: "We forbid it on the air. We forbid it
everywhere. Ditch that name and show some class, we can sue your stinky
ass!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Superscription
Look in my face; my name is Might-have-been;
I am also call'd No-more, Too-late, Farewell;
Unto thine ear I hold the dead-sea shell
Cast up thy Life's foam-fretted feet between;
Unto thine eyes the glass where that is seen
Which had Life's form and Love's, but by my spell
Is now a shaken shadow intolerable,
Of ultimate things unutter'd the frail screen.
Mark me, how still I am! But should there dart
One moment through thy soul the soft surprise
Of that wing'd Peace which lulls the breath of sighs,
Then shalt thou see me smile, and turn apart
Thy visage to mine ambush at thy heart
Sleepless with cold commemorative eyes.
=
A Superstition
1. Hey, note these horseshoes, hung there on that wall!
2. My life is fraught with curious beliefs...
3. Hold no umbrellas open in my halls,
4. Nor hum one haunting tune, however brief;
5. Alert me, please, if some black cat will pass
6. The pathway when we take those midnight strolls;
7. Don't let me glimpse that shattered looking glass -
8. I seldom find these acts remotely droll.
9. In fact, this poem's scheme may pose a hitch
10. That may yet leave me somewhat unamused -
11. I reached the ode's oasis, after which
12. That loathed and fateful number must be used!
I'll bate my breath... 'til the thirteenth... is over...
14. Then run away, to find some four-leaf clovers!
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A female porno star on film =
Performs fellatio on a man.
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The abortion pills =
I'll poison the brat.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
George W. Bush, The President of the USA =
The pig! He refuses to end the bogus war!
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The homosexual relationship =
Asshole-exploration time, huh?
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Leonardo da Vinci's masterpiece, 'Mona Lisa' =
I am a smiler posed on canvas, created in oil.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
George W. Bush Administration =
Tedious war-mongering habits.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
American General Dwight D. Eisenhower =
One leader charged the Germans in WWII.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The NASA shuttle "Discovery" =
Study the stars on a vehicle.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
One
Small,
Precise,
Poetic,
Spiraling mixture:
Math plus poetry yields the Fib.=
Mere Pi Entry
It's
A
Poem
I elect
Emulating Pi...
Duplex bliss for pithy scholars!
[A double constraint: The poem's body is also a word-length Pi mnemonic, up to 12 decimal places (3.14159265358).]
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When I do count the clock that tells the time,
And see the brave day sunk in hideous night;
When I behold the violet past prime,
And sable curls all silver'd o'er with white;
When lofty trees I see barren of leaves
Which erst from heat did canopy the herd,
And summer's green all girded up in sheaves
Borne on the bier with white and bristly beard,
Then of thy beauty do I question make,
That thou among the wastes of time must go,
Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake
And die as fast as they see others grow;
And nothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defence
Save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.=
1. new buds of daylight start to shine
upon your blessed and vibrant face.
the heart strains when I see that grace;
indeed, your passion nourished mine.
4. dreams sheathe the wakeful minds, and yet, 2. although the heat and stress have been
a breath beside me brings me back, The Four Times quite notable and wretched, too,
revealing, then, the night's dense black. Of The Day in every chore I have to do,
kiss me, my sweet, lest I forget. the love of you will thrash within.
3. to some, these dreaded evenings' beat
remains that bad, unfinished sketch;
we, meanwhile, watch some shadows stretch.
nice rest will keep the love complete.
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2007:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Her young, nude tits =
The guy is turned on!
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Maternity clothes =
Elastic - try them on!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A Soldier
He is that fallen lance that lies as hurled,
That lies unlifted now, come dew, come rust,
But still lies pointed as it plowed the dust.
If we who sight along it round the world,
See nothing worthy to have been its mark,
It is because like men we look too near,
Forgetting that as fitted to the sphere,
Our missiles always make too short an arc.
They fall, they rip the grass, they intersect
The curve of earth, and striking, break their own;
They make us cringe for metal-point on stone.
But this we know, the obstacle that checked
And tripped the body, shot the spirit on
Further than target ever showed or shone.
=
The Twilight of the Veteran
Reclining on the porch in idleness
On inky eves that dim the nearby shore
Brings back a few past phantoms I repress,
Encounters with the cruelty of war,
Rekindling tasks, the worst that I had gotten -
That smoke, those shouts, the people I had killed...
Luck favored me, but I had not forgotten;
Eternal battle lurks within me still.
Each night I'm haunted by loathed silhouettes,
For Fate, too keen to carry out its role,
Rewards me with those specters of regret,
Or wretched hate, that eat away this soul.
So do not wait, sweet Death - I welcome you;
This soldier's final trip has long been due.
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2008:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The cleavage in T-shirts =
That is chest-revealing!
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Rat bites in arms =
Transmit rabies.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The novel "Treasure Island" =
One sea adventure thrills!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2008:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The administration of George W. Bush =
No other ideas but "fighting some war"...
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Lead singer Kurt D. Cobain =
Rocker died in a gun blast.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Democrat Senator Barack H. Obama versus the Republican Senator John McCain =
So the American voters must hand a Bush job to a black charmer or an ancient creep.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2008:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The post-impressionist Gauguin =
Paint us something prestigious!
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The missionary position ~
or: "I hope it is not in my ass!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A rustling of the wind =
It's a wonderful thing.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The actor Paul Newman is dead =
I saw a talented chap mourned.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2008:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Senator McCain, asked about Sarah Palin (who seldom travels outside the US) and about her foreign policy experience...=
The Republican candidate replied, "Oh, but my companion was elected as Governor of Alaska. Her house is next to Russia!"
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
George Bush =
"Bugger! Shoe!"
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2009:
Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former American president George Walker Bush =
Some supreme brain-lacking we'd rather forget here!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When icicles hang by the wall,
And Dick the shepherd blows his nail,
And Tom bears logs into the hall,
And milk comes frozen home in pail...
=
Some happen to be calm when cold,
Near still and mythic English lakes;
On hills amazing to behold,
Which Winter had robed in his flakes.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
It's a life worth living ~
if I win that girl's love!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft's Help and Support site =
Had pointless tips for computers.
LONG CATEGORY, February 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
My Favorite Things (from The Sound of Music)
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad=
Salzburg News
City police arrested Maria von Trapp, a former nun now in her fifties, after anonymous tips led them to find her five hungry girls in filthy-white attire in her basement. "Those girls were barely alive. This mess is pretty shocking", Sgt. Schmidt has stiffly stated. "We think she is bonkers".
The minors slept among the swollen corpses of ponies and fowl (which she has attempted to feed with sweet pies and breaded meat), along with massive heaps of stolen mittens and bloody feline whiskers in messy brown parcels.
Witnesses say the woman was dragged to the street while giggling, and spoke to the snowman in front her home, telling it: "Ward off the evil dogs and bees". She is now under observation.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Shakespeare's Sonnet LIV
O, how much more doth beauty beauteous seem
By that sweet ornament which truth doth give!
The rose looks fair, but fairer we it deem
For that sweet odour which doth in it live.
The canker-blooms have full as deep a dye
As the perfumed tincture of the roses,
Hang on such thorns and play as wantonly
When summer's breath their masked buds discloses:
But, for their virtue only is their show,
They live unwoo'd and unrespected fade,
Die to themselves. Sweet roses do not so;
Of their sweet deaths are sweetest odours made:
And so of you, beauteous and lovely youth,
When that shall vade, my verse distills your truth.
=
Why Tour The World Without You?
So monstrous was the mountain that I've scaled,
And yet, it felt so depthless climbing it.
I cherished no French shore - however hailed -
Nor Turkey's tea-house breaks, I should admit.
The muse starved on the youthful field that showed
Vast flowerbeds of baby-blue and red,
And musk-like odours that they have bestowed
Led to some sense of sulphur in my head.
Eventful hours at evergreen oases
Now bored me, as some worthless moss nearby;
The heart's put out to pasture at those places -
I crave the shade of chestnut in your eye...
No matter what the wild terrain or view,
Each seems desert when it's devoid of you.
Solution:
Each line also contains a type of rose (marked above in italics).
1. Mountain rose
2. Climbing rose
3. French rose
4. Tea rose
5. Field rose
6. Baby rose
7. Musk rose
8. Sulphur rose
9. Evergreen rose
10. Moss rose
11. Pasture rose
12. Chestnut rose
13. Wild rose
14. Desert rose
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Octuplets' mother Nadya Denise Suleman =
Here's a complete nut I'd send to an asylum...
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The remains of Auschwitz Birkenau in Poland =
Here is the sad ruin of a known Nazi-built camp.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
What is 'quantitative easing', if not a license for our banks to print money? =
It is a notion so fantastic, that I prefer to answer by invoking Manuel: "Que?"
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2009:
eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A sensual dream, then ~
a man launders sheet.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The amateur vocalist Susan Boyle =
A matchless star alive on "Youtube".
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Whose accents are these?
1. "Burn da ganja, mon!"
2. "I ain't curin' HIS ass!"
3. "Oh, sod it! That's a smashing crumpet!"
4. "Nau I vill ruin zee movie!" =
1. Sting's 'Jamaican'
2. An Americanized Hugh Laurie in the TV show "House"
3. Madonna's 'British'
4. Steve Martin's Inspector Clouseau
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[This sonnet by Shakespeare was anagrammed into a sonnet for Spring with an unusual contraint, attached in the next post.]
William Shakespeare's Sonnet 86
From you have I been absent in the spring,
When proud-pied April dress'd in all his trim
Hath put a spirit of youth in every thing,
That heavy Saturn laugh'd and leap'd with him.
Yet nor the lays of birds nor the sweet smell
Of different flowers in odour and in hue
Could make me any summer's story tell,
Or from their proud lap pluck them where they grew;
Nor did I wonder at the lily's white,
Nor praise the deep vermilion in the rose;
They were but sweet, but figures of delight,
Drawn after you, you pattern of all those.
Yet seem'd it winter still, and, you away,
As with your shadow I with these did play.
=
Neat Feel Without Heat...
When dawn came to my window with a chill,
The sun's unsteady ray appeared impeded.
The avid rain had my one prayer fulfilled -
The hearty rinse was what our meek house needed.
The flowers their inviting flair did tout -
That lavish spray relieved our yard's faint woe.
Some purple asters, numb with drink, shot out;
A thorny rose did humbly bloom and grow.
When thrushes rose up, but, in stormy rush,
Swooped, fairly ruffled, too wet to resettle -
I trod the shore to see, in finest hush,
Grey ripples multiply like flower-petals.
There, on the windy bay, in early rain,
I glimpsed the timely hint of Spring again.
All of the anagram's b's, y's and r's, representing blue, yellow and red accordingly, were arranged to create flowery patterns:
Feel Neat Without Heat...
When dawn came to my window with a chill,
The sun's unsteady ray appeared impeded.
The avid rain had my one prayer fulfilled -
The hearty rinse was what our meek house needed.
The flowers their inviting flair did tout -
That lavish spray relieved our yard's faint woe.
Some purple asters, numb with drink, shot out;
A thorny rose did humbly bloom and grow.
When thrushes rose up, but, in stormy rush,
Swooped, fairly ruffled, too wet to resettle -
I trod the shore to see, in finest hush,
Grey ripples multiply like flower-petals.
There, on the windy bay, in early rain,
I glimpsed the timely hint of Spring again.
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dryness in the vaginal area =
Has a granny tried Vaseline?
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Susan Boyle, "Britain's Got Talent" show =
Best singer on it but, alas, lost anyhow.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
Eq3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Obama presidency =
Both peace and misery?
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Superstar Beyonce =
Pure-ebony actress.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Money, get away
Get a good job with more pay and you're ok.
Money it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.=
A poem by Obama
Oh, there once was that kindly Obama
Who was stuck in a debt-braving drama:
"I had yearned so for majesty,
Now I get a calamity!
George, you ghastly lad, thanks for THAT trauma!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
If love isn't here ~
then life is over.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Microsoft operating system Windows Seven =
Now comes this - some pretty, new design for Vista!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them." - Aldo Leopold
=
Elder in sunny Jordan
A shy haze looms above sandstone.
A stern man goads an old camel on.
I rise, I pine for peaceful time -
And sagely channel an oath sublime.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare's Sonnet 24
Mine eye hath play'd the painter and hath stell'd
Thy beauty's form in table of my heart;
My body is the frame wherein 'tis held,
And perspective it is best painter's art.
For through the painter must you see his skill,
To find where your true image pictured lies;
Which in my bosom's shop is hanging still,
That hath his windows glazed with thine eyes.
Now see what good turns eyes for eyes have done:
Mine eyes have drawn thy shape, and thine for me
Are windows to my breast, where-through the sun
Delights to peep, to gaze therein on thee;
Yet eyes this cunning want to grace their art;
They draw but what they see, know not the heart.
=
The True Source of the Morning Radiance
When one dawn nears the house, I wake to view
These frenzied rays, which through the window stream;
The tidy room appears too young and new
When freely, gaily lit by gorgeous beams.
I see them style a crystal vase and plinth
With dots of golden-white, and then I gaze
As they play in the tiny labyrinth
Within the dew-wet primrose in the vase.
But as the rays run by the pure white sheet,
Then softly hit my peachy bride's fair shape,
I fondly think it might stay praised and sweet
Were I to raise my hand to shut these drapes.
It's not the sun that makes these things here bloom;
The sleeper near me - she lights up the room.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
USA's olympian Michael Fred Phelps =
Champ fesses up: "I'm really a dolphin".
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.'
=
Tree Food
When I'd Note That Each Rain
Shows Pale Root In New Gauds,
Some Utter Mirth My Eyes Regain
From Ash's Leafy Load.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
My glass shall not persuade me I am old,
So long as youth and thou are of one date;
But when in thee time's furrows I behold,
Then look I death my days should expiate.
For all that beauty that doth cover thee
Is but the seemly raiment of my heart,
Which in thy breast doth live, as thine in me:
How can I then be elder than thou art?
O, therefore, love, be of thyself so wary
As I, not for myself, but for thee will;
Bearing thy heart, which I will keep so chary
As tender nurse her babe from faring ill.
Presume not on thy heart when mine is slain;
Thou gavest me thine, not to give back again.
=
How can one fight off the unhealthy fear,
Each day of bothersome examinations,
As humble howls, so hurtful to the ears,
Leave one with silent hopes of liberation?
It might be very wise, though, to be bold,
Not merely for this brief and hasty ease;
Good cheer without that bleakness, truth be told,
Pays off abundantly at times like these.
Remember, then, that everywhere on earth,
One mighty remedy was proven real:
Cure any inner aching with your mirth;
Elation is a potion that's ideal.
So laugh, my friend - all maladies combined
Shan't ever wholly hurt the soul that's kind.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." =
So? That is an opinion of an arrogant man unable to remember that a literary sequel can be a pile of trash - who exploited "Hitchhiker's Guide" in more inferior novels!
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A lower-cut T-shirt =
Her tits crawl out.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Fourth "Indiana Jones" movie by Steven Spielberg =
I have a big problem, just one: Ford is seventy-nine!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The singer and musician Dolly Parton =
Country idol has endearing implants.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Royal Philharmonic Orchestra =
A short Chopin or a lyric Mahler?
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Actors who won trophies at this year's Emmys:
- Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
- Toni Collette, "United States of Tara"
- Glenn Close, "Damages" =
Top contenders from the "Least Tact" contest:
- Serena Williams
- Congress Guy Who Called Obama A Liar
Host: Kayne "Idiot" West
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Summer ends, and Autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night." - Hal Borland
=
> A life now mute
> amid a hush:
> on valley mud,
> where old leaves blush;
> in wave's cold stare,
> now dim and rough;
> down in my heart,
> that had enough.
LONG CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Childhood", a song by Michael Jackson
Have you seen my childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...
People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the childhood I've never known...
Have you seen my childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my childhood?
People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the childhood I've never known...
Have you seen my childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had...
Have you seen my childhood?
=
Honoring A Legend
About fifty years ago, a black icon came to the world. He didn't come from a very rich family, and he was heavily burdened with shocking dad issues; However, he loved all of his brothers and sisters very much, and he devoted every day of the week chiefly to spreading joy throughout the community - employing his provocative charisma or a unique knack for highly catchy chants, whether on tour or in the media.
And though some of you would choose to invoke the hefty misdeeds of his past, you have to keep his achievements in mind. He showed you all that the mere color of your skin should not completely define you; he enlightened you on how one could conserve the environment in our times; he taught you to keep your mind open, in a voice at once keen and majestic.
And for these very reasons, this dynamic and well-liked man became the American president last year.
His name is Barack Obama.
(The moral of the story? You might endure in the collective memory as an undisputed legend - if you just don't molest any kids.)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
On Shakespeare
What needs my Shakespeare, for his honoured bones,
The labour of an age in piled stones?
Or that his hallowed relics should be hid
Under a star-y-pointing pyramid?
Dear son of Memory, great heir of Fame,
What need'st thou such weak witness of thy name?
Thou, in our wonder and astonishment,
Hast built thyself a livelong monument.
For whilst, to the shame of slow-endeavouring art,
Thy easy numbers flow, and that each heart
Hath, from the leaves of thy unvalued book,
Those Delphic lines with deep impression took;
Then thou, our fancy of itself bereaving,
Dost make us marble, with too much conceiving;
And, so sepulchred, in such pomp dost lie,
That kings for such a tomb would wish to die.
=
An ode in honour of the bleak death Of Diana
How odd it felt to watch our media
Overtly harness sassy trivia
To make this darling seem plain and uncouth -
While fans revered the springtime of her youth!
No bogus profiles and no sloppy claim
Would snuff the solemn worship of her name;
Each soul resists suspicions of her peak,
When so much trashy flack is proven weak!
Let us remember still that soothing charm
(The spark - those avid eyes which knew no harm)
Then stop and muse on the astounding doom,
That set that beauty in this bloody tomb...
Why is our hero bound to lose our love?
And is that urging the demise thereof?
Ah yes, I found the high cost of new fame;
A candle burned - and WE blew out the flame.
[The constraint: Marking all of the anagram's S's reveals the hidden image of a tombstone...]
An ode in honour of the bleak death Of Diana
How odd it felt to watch our media
Overtly harness sassy trivia
To make this darling seem plain and uncouth -
While fans revered the springtime of her youth!
No bogus profiles and no sloppy claim
Would snuff the solemn worship of her name;
Each soul resists suspicions of her peak,
When so much trashy flack is proven weak!
Let us remember still that soothing charm
(The spark - those avid eyes which knew no harm)
Then stop and muse on the astounding doom,
That set that beauty in this bloody tomb...
Why is our hero bound to lose our love?
And is that urging the demise thereof?
Ah yes, I found the high cost of new fame;
A candle burned, and we blew out the flame.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Keats' "When I Have Fears That I May Cease To Be"
When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And feel that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love; then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.
=
The Shock Became Fear
Eight earthly years have since gone by, and yet,
Raw pains emerge when new fears shock the nation,
Reviving the perception of high threat,
Of evil plans or an annihilation;
Reminding me of old New York's good-will,
In better times, which then had offered haven,
Still eager for each newcomer... until
The rubble buried Hope on Nine-Eleven.
And each day bodes a harsh fate for the claim
That life is valued here, among this folk;
The ethnic haven was abruptly maimed
And vanished in that rush of ash and smoke...
Cry, Earth, for each good fraction of the whole,
Killed near the lights of your eternal soul.
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A thick, erect penis =
I penetrate chicks!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, November 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Annual celebration of Thanksgiving Day =
Featuring a balloon advancing in the sky!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2009:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Former cities of East Berlin and West Berlin =
I notice most barriers fall between friends.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The professional US golfer Tiger Woods =
A need for trollops?! This wife's gorgeous!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"In your opinion, what were the best three things that happened in the first decade of the millennium?" =
-"The Miracle on the Hudson".
-The writer Tina Fey imitating Palin.
-The end of president Bush; the new hope.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2009:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
[Vincent Burns' sonnet is anagrammed into another holiday sonnet with a fitting acrostic:]
Sonnet for Christmas
These are the things our Christmas Day should leave
Untarnished and untouched by dust and blight:
The warm, sweet kindliness of Christmas Eve,
Its heavenly glow of rapture and delight;
The breathless wonder that the stars awake;
The new-found faith that where a child is born
There is a little life for God's own sake,
Though lowly be its lot on Christmas morn;
The wide good-will we feel for all mankind
And that true peace that heals the aching mind.
And though the hurrying years be loud with strife,
A radiance lives that all men yet shall see,
A golden glory, rich with fullest life,
When each shall know his own divinity. =
A Cheerful Holiday-Themed Poem
My main intent is not to bring you down,
Earth's gradual destruction notwithstanding;
Right now, we must disguise each baleful frown...
Right now, this Yuletide schedule is demanding:
Your hearts swell when this dashing caroler
Chants "Carol of the Bells" and "Deck the Halls";
How ravishing and valued is the glare
Red ornaments reflect onto this wall!
I know the weather's harsh, but days like these
Shall thankfully provide this sane relief;
The glow in windows and the hearty trees
Might be the cue to halt the dark belief.
As snow falls from the heavens to each yard,
Still we have faith that life is not that hard.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Director James Cameron =
Set major cinema record.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Haitian disaster =
I hear that aid is sent.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Hosts Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien =
So, only one can earn this job.
LONG CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dear Ethan,
I read your letter in bed and my heart throbbed so hard it hurt! I adore you too, honey, but finishing the relationship was a mistake... I knew you'll come around and see that we are soul mates, though!
I felt so lost without you, Ethan. The flat I rented seemed so empty and cold and life seemed so hellish, but now I can simply move back in with you - so I'm ditching this place! I'm so happy I held on to your key, and I'm excited that I'll see my cute little Mittens soon... Give her a kiss from me.
I love you, my dear Ethan; You are the reason I still exist... And I certainly have to thank my sister for talking some sense into you! :)
Eternally Yours,
Jane
You wrote:
>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave
>you... I can't sleep
>or even eat, because
>I think you're quite
>amazing! I ask you to
>forget all about the
>past week and a half
>when I broke it off,
>and take this stupid
>knucklehead into your
>bed again. Please do!
>Thank god your sister
>made me realize that
>I was a total cretin
>when we were dating.
>We chatted at length
>and I have to agree,
>I think I'm in love!
>Do come back to me...
>
>Yours,
>Ethan
=
Hey Jane,
Look, you didn't read my previous e-mail right, okay? Seems half of it got truncated somehow. An ad must've blocked it. Here is the one that I sent you originally:
>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave my house key with
>you... I can't sleep in some nice motel
>or even eat, because my wallet's in there.
>I think you're quite senile. It's truly
>amazing! I ask you to return it, and you
>forget all about the damn thing like the
>past week and a half didn't happen. You see,
>when I broke it off, I meant it! Oh yeah,
>and take this stupid cat or I'll cram this
>knucklehead into your mailbox; it soiled my
>bed again. Please do. It's Satan's spawn!
>Thank god your sister took me in and also
>made me realize that I should've dated her!
>I was a total cretin not to notice her hints
>when we were dating. I made up for it now...
>We chatted at length after a night of sex,
>and I have to agree, she's WAY more bendy.
>I think I'm in love! You sure you're related?
>Do come back to me... about the key, that is.
>
>Yours,
>Ethan
P.S. Didn't I tell you this once before? You should really switch to a more reasonable e-mail service.
Ethan
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Below is a Shakespeare sonnet with some relevance to this recent tragedy, anagrammed into another sonnet which contains an initial-letters acrostic of a fitting phrase. There's also another constraint, detailed below it.]
A Sonnet by William Shakespeare
When I have seen by Time's fell hand defaced
The rich proud cost of outworn buried age;
When sometime lofty towers I see down-razed
And brass eternal slave to mortal rage;
When I have seen the hungry ocean gain
Advantage on the kingdom of the shore,
And the firm soil win of the watery main,
Increasing store with loss and loss with store;
When I have seen such interchange of state,
Or state itself confounded to decay;
Ruin hath taught me thus to ruminate,
That Time will come and take my love away.
This thought is as a death, which cannot choose
But weep to have that which it fears to lose.
=
[The anagram is also based entirely on a saying by Persian prophet Bahaullah, which it also quotes down every 3rd-to-last word:]
One Avid Vow To Come Together Soon
How strong are winds when they so gaily thrash,
And savage waves, how powerful their crash!
In tense, uneasy times, what is the shield
That saves us from this fate the Heavens wield?
I'd like to think that we can light the way
Despite the bad commotion of each day
Once we achieve the unity of hearts...
No force would fade that gleam that it imparts.
As our keen union grows, it can reclaim
The Elements and show they can be tamed;
Its fair rays can illuminate the night -
Once scattered brothers of the globe unite!
No rain, nor blazes of the whole damn sun
Should damage us if we're on Earth as one.
["So powerful is the light of unity, that it can illuminate the whole Earth."]
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A field surgeon =
Dangerous life.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger Holds Press Conference =
Confess, regret, consider help.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Tiger
Polar Bear
Pacific Walrus
Magellanic Penguin
Leatherback Turtle
Bluefin Tuna
Mountain Gorilla
Monarch Butterfly
Javan Rhinoceros
Giant Panda
=
Harm Flock In Fatal Pattern
Unappreciative
pertrubations
manufactured
challenging
biological
imbalance
bungling
natural
jewels
rarer
than
you
or
I
.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Short verse outlining Mount Etna in Virgil's Aeneid, Book III]
The port capacious, and secure from wind,
Is to the foot of thund'ring Etna joined.
By turns a pitchy cloud she rolls on high:
By turns hot embers from her entrails fly,
And flakes of mounting flames, that lick the sky.
Oft from her bowels massy rocks are thrown,
And shivered by the force come piece-meal down.
Oft liquid lakes of burning sulphur flow,
Fed from the fiery springs that boil below.
=
Remnant Of A Jolt Often Bursting Beneath
Oh, how I miss my lord's firm hug!
My sour odes all long for you,
Your broken smiles and comic shrug;
Your skin or all the tricks you do.
How ripe I felt last March, if brisk!
Such peaceful inlet of Tomorrow,
Of free thrill-seeking and of risk;
Swift, gentle love - quite void of sorrow...
Shreds can enable one mad nip
Without the bubbly springs to sip,
Yet fresh-fetched haven can't forbid
The faint pain the enchantment did.
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Dad, tell me how kids are born!" =
"Well, dear, dad boinks mother!"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2010:
Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Michelangelo's art in the Sistine Chapel =
Masterpiece shall shine on that ceiling!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Mary Shelley's Victor Frankenstein =
"I invent scary, freaky hell-monsters!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Snake
(By Emily Dickinson)
A narrow fellow in the grass
Occasionally rides;
You may have met him - did you not?
His notice sudden is.
The grass divides as with a comb,
A spotted shaft is seen;
And then it closes at your feet
And opens further on.
He likes a boggy acre,
A floor too cool for corn.
Yet when a child, and barefoot,
I more than once, at morn,
Have passed, I thought, a whip-lash
Unbraiding in the sun -
When, stooping to secure it,
It wrinkled, and was gone.
Several of nature's people
I know, and they know me;
I feel for them a transport
Of cordiality;
But never met this fellow,
Attended or alone,
Without a tighter breathing,
And zero at the bone.
=
Indications of the Snake in the Oasis
(The view of a hidden fiend)
The tale of Eden in the Book, I find,
Blamed poor Eve or the reptile for wrongdoing -
But, faced with a pronouncement so unkind,
I'd hint the old accounts need some reviewing.
What urged that treacherous or rash portrayal,
From men - who sure can best it as a clan?
They're common boys who seek a sly betrayal,
They'll toil to risk a kiss - sans any plan;
Their ardor is a soft, engrossing fraud,
Their honor is an easy, shallow con...
It would be sad to hiss at women "flawed",
Omitting the vignettes I touched upon.
That one cool serpent, loathed in every way,
Can be foul Adam - gazing at the prey.
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Plug in arse =
Pleasuring!
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Dreaming about death ~
due to a bad nightmare.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Harry Potter series' final movies =
A hero inspires for the very last time.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Poland's president =
Plane's drop ends it.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"But Guy's heart slept under the violets on Muriel's grave." (from Edith Wharton's "April Showers")=
My Words
O, Sun - her glow,
A vital blush!
It moderates
The fervent rush;
Ergo, the lips
Return a sip.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Below is George Herbert's poem 'Easter' anagrammed into 4 successive short poems dealing with each of the 4 seasons;
As a twist, there's also a 5th poem about April.
Easter
I got me flowers to straw Thy way,
I got me boughs off many a tree;
But Thou wast up by break of day,
And brought'st Thy sweets along with Thee.
Yet though my flowers be lost, they say
A heart can never come too late;
Teach it to sing Thy praise this day,
And then this day my life shall date.
=
[Summer]
This white sunbeam
May yet burst through,
To heat mates teamed
As knots of two.
[Fall]
On this big day,
The tatty clouds
Along the way
Become a crowd.
[Winter]
Suave tomtits sing,
Yet loathe the spray;
They flap their wings,
Then flee that grey.
[Spring]
A line so gay
Of dewy flowers,
Bathed by that ray
Of early hours.
These 4 poems are actually also 4 quarters of a longer poem dealing with Easter weather...
This white sunbeam, on this big day,
May yet burst through the tatty clouds,
To heat mates teamed along the way,
As knots of two become a crowd.
Suave tomtits sing a line so gay,
Yet loathe the spray of dewy flowers;
They flap their wings bathed by that ray -
Then flee that grey of early hours.
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The females cast in a porn video ~
often have silicone-made parts.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The final episode of the serial drama "Lost" =
The desolate island is a metaphor for life.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The giant oil spill disaster =
Stop drilling! It ails the sea.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
France's emperor Napoleon I =
A person of real prominence.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Global company British Petroleum =
Scary pollution might be a problem!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Corporal Clegg had a medal too
In orange, red and blue
He found it in the zoo
Corporal Clegg received his medal in a dream
From her Majesty the Queen
His boots were very clean
(Pink Floyd) =
The New UK
Can leaders grudgingly
Adopt co-heirs?
My Farnham lad, heed me:
Each ally errs!
Regard: i do believe
One perfect point -
No team of zilch I.Q.
(Or meager valor, too)
Should be conjoined.
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Italian crime boss =
A Sicilian mobster.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The environmental disaster =
Oil in streams that never end.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2010:
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sun-filled New York =
Wonderful skyline!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Clear-eyed, we can understand that there will be war - and still strive for peace. (Obama, the US president)
=
We'd near a total Mideast peace pact when:
- Beavers learn to fly;
- Buddha's resurrected;
- It's winter in hell.
LONG CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
How Smart Are You?
1. You're participating in a race. You finally overtake the second person. What position are you in?
2. And if you just overtook the last person, then you are...?
3. Some very puzzling arithmetic! This must be calculated in your head only. Don't use a calculator or even paper and pencil for this.
Add 40 to 1000. Now add 1000. Add 30 more. Add 1000. Now add 20 more. Add another 1000. Add 10 more. What is the total?
4. Mary's father had five lovely daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono... What's the name of the fifth daughter?
5. A mute person goes into some shop to buy himself a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and manages to buy it.
Then a blind man comes into the shop and wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how would HE indicate what he wants?
Answers to the quiz:
1. If you answered that you're first, then you're absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU'RE in second place.
2. If you answered you're second to last, then you're WRONG again. How can you overtake the LAST person?!
3. Did you get 5000? It's not very accurate... The correct answer is actually 4100.
4. Did you Answer Nunu? No! Of course it's incorrect. Her name is Mary. Read this question again!
5. It's very simple, really: He opens his mouth and ask for it...
=
How Stupid Are You?
Choose an answer for each question, then add up the numbers to determine your stupidity level:
The capital of Greece is...
1. Dwindling.
2. Athens.
3. G.
4. "Saturday Night Fever" is a lot more fun.
What's the opposite of Apathy?
1. I don't care.
2. Interest.
3. Cherokee.
4. A-dead-end-y?
Who's known as the discoverer of America?
1. ©Neanderthals.
2. ©Christopher Columbus.
3. Americus Gazpacho.
4. Captain Crunch.
Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?
1. The man who invented this "joke", hopefully.
2. Ulysses S. Grant.
3. I need more information.
4. Which one of them?
Let's say I wed your cousin and I have a cousin too; then he is...
1. Not wanted on Thanksgiving.
2. My cousin-in-law's cousin.
3. A next of kin of sorts.
4. We can't both be married to my cousin!
Let's add up your points:
5-7: You possess a negative amount of stupidity. You're a constant smartass who has no energy to try this unneeded test. Go read Kafka or something.
8-12: You have zero stupidity and answered almost every question in the test correctly. Well done, you are duller than a fourth grade history teacher. You are the person that often tells everyone when 'whom' should be used.
13-19: You maintain a healthy amount of stupidity. You are a failure, fall down a lot and are a real hazard to yourself and to others. You are probably a pet psychic.
20: You are Sarah Palin.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Anne Bradstreet poem "The Author to her Book" (the first verses):
Thou ill-formed offspring of my feeble brain,
Who after birth did'st by my side remain,
Till snatcht from thence by friends, less wise than true,
Who thee abroad exposed to public view,
Made thee in rags, halting to th' press to trudge,
Where errors were not lessened (all may judge).
At thy return my blushing was not small,
My rambling brat (in print) should mother call.
©I cast thee by as one unfit for light,
Thy visage was so irksome in my sight,
Yet being mine own, at length affection would
Thy blemishes amend, if so I could.
=
Newborn of a Sleepy Poet
My memory reshuffles things at night.
They frolic, keenly resurrected there;
Few former hours all convene in flight,
To form all dreams and complex gossamer.
Then, from this turbulent cerebral storm
One muted, subtle thought is freshly born
But if I fail to give this shape and form,
This thing without a word is dead by morn!
What's mightier, when it is said and done?
Not shaky swords, some say; it is the pen.
The scant gleam? I say it just had begun:
When scribbled, it begins to live again.
My lettered baby born that day will be
The poem written here for all to see.
RUDE CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A stimulated prick =
A lick made it spurt!
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Really bad eyesight =
Barely see daylight!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Kubler-Ross model, also known as the five stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.
=
Five stages of BP drilling:
1. Get bad rig
2. Wreck an ocean shore
3. Engineer half-assed solutions
4. Sack one man
5. Repeat.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
though all her parts be not in th' usual place,
she hath yet an anagram of a good face.
=
Dashing, though has not
A partner or a pal -
Hence, a beau comes to
The half-faulty gal.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[Here's the Beatles song anagrammed into an eight-lines song detailing Paul's eight correct World Cup predictions from the Germans' POV, in a *very rudimentary* shape of a head an eight tentacles.
Octopus's Garden
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus's garden in the shade
I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus's garden with me
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus's garden near a cave
We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)
We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you
=
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2010:
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The sex-change operations =
"She" organ, except it's on a "he"!
Table of All-Time Placegetters
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