Anagrammy Placings by Tony Crafter
All the highly-placed anagrams by Tony Crafter from the Anagrammy Awards.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"I am beautiful in every single way" =
A lusty, feminine view by Aguilera.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, April 2004:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sarah Marbeck and Rebecca Loos =
Real's Beckham CAN score abroad!
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2004:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Practising homosexuals ~
Climax shooting up arses!
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2004:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
General erotica =
A large erection.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2004:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Stonehenge, Salisbury Plain =
Naughty aliens responsible?
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2004:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
So distressing: The pain and misery of female cystitis =
My piss is a steamy needle of fire, and O Christ it stings!
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
It's no big deal =
Bigot's denial.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'I hope you'll come and join us, and the world will live as one.' (From song: 'Imagine') =
John Lennon's melodious dream: 'I'm holding out for Peace. Evil, sin, will go away.'
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Human cloning debate is re-ignited =
I match DNA, engineering its double.
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Singer Marie Osmond ~
is a 'designer-Mormon'.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'Mein Kampf''s political and social theories =
Adolf Hitler's policies: maniac makes point.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam;
And loud was his mirth,
For he knew that on Earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em!
=
Wicked madam, aware of God's plan,
Determinedly takes him in hand;
Hey, why aim to enthral?
When a hand round these balls,
Gets her total control of her man!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The leader of the conquistadores, Hernando Cortez =
He rode forth on a desire to conquer the Aztecs' land.
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2004:
eq.3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Sildenafil (Viagra) =
Sir filled a vagina!
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, December 2004:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The fashion designer Pierre Cardin =
He inspired chains of trendier gear.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2004:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Beaches of Normandy =
Death on some French bay.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2004:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The oldest profession =
Denotes hole's profits.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Heavy metal bands ~
have blasted many.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Syrian Desert =
It's... er... sandy there.
LONG CATEGORY, January 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mother or father or it's my older brother Colin or it's my younger brother Ho Cha Song Sa Chu. But I think it's Colin.
=
Inferior logic. It obviously can't be my mom or my pop, for neither venture anywhere near the Chinese restaurant. Furthermore, my brother Colin (timid poof) likes pie 'n' chips. Ho politely doesn't say a thing. Therefore it has to be... Oh hell! It's me!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Death before dishonor =
Defines a brotherhood.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, February 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Chicken Soup For The Soul =
Folk hocus-pocus therein.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Iran's nuclear potential =
International curse, pal.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
So, bearing in mind that: a king rules a kingdom; a prince rules a principality - then who rules a country? =
An uninspiring monarch? Ranting dictator? Wacky religious leader? The PM? Eureka! No, it's plainly... Bush!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Is the Northern Ireland peace process in danger of collapse? =
Alas, IRA presence lends peril, threatening hopes of concord.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
(The professor to his errant pupil)
"Alas, you were caught fighting a liar in the quad again. You have also hissed all my mystery lectures and have tasted two whole worms, so I suggest you catch the next town drain and be gone."
=
Phew! A batty Oxford don, the Reverend William Spooner, transposes the initial letters of words whilst he harangues a young scallywag, catalogues his inadequacy, and suggests the youth might evacuate any time or hour.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Russian Empress =
She sees Mr Rasputin.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Noble King Arthur's famed Camelot =
Knights came for Round Table meal!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
People who take an instant dislike to politicians are merely saving time. =
Please note it, as we also don't like a vain, lying, pathetic Prime Minister. OK?
LONG CATEGORY, May 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
One day I was playing - I was about eight years old - and I noticed the cellar door was open just a crack. Now, my parents had told me, "Never go near that door, lad," but damn, I had to find out what was on the other side if it killed me! So I went to the cellar door and then I pushed it open and edged through and... I saw strange, wonderful things - things I had never seen before... trees, grass, flowers, the sun - that was nice!
=
A man was driving east to Ottawa on a steep mountain pass when he almost collided with a car, wildly careening around the bend. "Sheeet! You reckless, stupid fool!" he shouted. The other driver, a woman, wound down her window and yelled, "Pig!" Angry at the insult, the obsessed fellow jerked his car into gear, roared off fast round the steep bend... and crashed it straight into a giant hog standing in the road!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
American Apollo Eleven Mission =
Neil's moon leap is live on camera.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.' =
This ga-ga Stalin lie indicates a morality that's diseased.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Donatien Alphonse Francois De Sade =
Dreaded felon's an insane sociopath.
LONG CATEGORY, June 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Walking down the street, I saw a blind man being led by a guide dog. Suddenly, the dog peed on the man's leg. The owner took a biscuit from his pocket, bent down, and gave it to the dog. I said to him, "Pal, that was one of the kindest things I have ever seen." The man said, "Kind! No, I just want to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass!"
=
A snobbish woman, walking down a street with her dog, passed a drunk hobo sitting on the sidewalk. The distasteful man looked at them and jibed, "That's the ugliest pig I've ever seen."
"Why, you offensive, drunken idiot," chided the incensed woman, "it's not named a pig, it's canine, as in 'dog'!"
"Heck," the hobo said, "I was talking to the dog."
PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Britain's Labour Party Leader =
Tony Blair (rated a superb liar).
LONG CATEGORY, July 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Roberta Prince, the lady of the house, called Jeeves into her bedroom. "Jeeves, please undo my dress," she asked. With a great deal of embarrassment, he did so. "Now," she said, "please take off both my stockings." Jeeves was getting into a hot sweat. "Now take off all my underwear ... and if I ever catch you wearing them again, you will be instantly dismissed!"
=
Fay Wate, the lady of the manor, was becoming outraged at aide Jeeves' odd practise of walking into her bedroom without knocking. Finally, she admonished the senseless act. "Jeeves, it's tasteless and could be very embarrassing if I was in a state of undress, eh?"
"Well, no need to worry madam," beamed Jeeves; "I always peep through the keyhole first!"
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A small dick =
Dismal lack.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Stonehenge and Avebury in Wiltshire =
When in England, base your visit there.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A Society couple are making love:
"Darling, do poor people do this?"
"I think so, my beloved."
"Far too good for them, don't you think?"
=
GIGOLO: "Ooh-la-la, my love; you look pretty after drink!"
SHE: "Come come poppet! Forgot so soon? I didn't have
a drink."
HE: "No, but I did."
LONG CATEGORY, August 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Lady Legge-Bourke took more than the normal care of her staff, so when Jeeves was hurt in an accident she went straight to the hospital. "No visitors allowed mam, just family," moaned an ill-mannered nurse. "Are you his wife?"
"God no!" said Lady Legge, gliding by; "I'm his mistress!"=
Sir Stuart Haynes-Fyffe, the Lord of the Manor, awoke one morning with a huge erection and immediately called for his butler. "Congratulations sir," said Jeeves; "shall I awaken madam?"
"No Jeeves," said his lordship; "get me my baggy shorts and we'll smuggle this one into town."
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Britain's 'New Labour' Government =
Blair's vow? Reign on at Number Ten!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Snowdon Mountain Railway Ride =
I do mean a windy tour in North Wales
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Sir Arnold Bax said (sort of!): "One should try everything in life once, except incest and morris dancing; ~
unicycling; any sort of shellfish; Rotterdam; Dido concerts; Indian beer and xeroxing one's privates."
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
I, Tony Blair, pledge allegiance to the President, Bush, and attest that, if directed, I will: act under his influence, lie on his behalf, advocate jingoism, go to war for fun. Do it!
LONG CATEGORY, September 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man in a supermarket line sees that a gorgeous blonde in front of him is waving hello. He's rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and, although familiar, he can't place her, so he says, "Sorry, do I know you?"
She replies, "I could be mistaken, but you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind darts back to the one and only time he was unfaithful. "Oh, darn it!" he says. "You're that stripper I screwed on the pool table in front of all my pals while your friend lashed my arse with wet celery."
"No," she replies. "I'm your son's English teacher.
=
It was a bleak Monday morning and the harrassed mother was having a hellish time preparing her son Kenneth for school.
"Why won't you understand, mother!" he shrieked. "I am so unhappy. It is awful. Nobody likes me! The meanie teachers don't like me (sniff); the horrible kids all hate me (sniff). I can't face them! I won't go to school! I won't!
"Kenneth, pull yourself together!" said his mother. "Bear up! Life isn't always easy. Sure school can be tough; sure it can be rough - but, as you are forty years old and the school Principal, I'm afraid you really will have to be there."
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
French Connection UK set to drop their slogan =
Honest concern or not, I deplore that FCUK sign.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2005:
eq.3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Adolf Eichmann =
Nice? No, half-mad.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, October 2005:
eq.3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Cheltenham Ladies' College =
Gentle academics' hellhole!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Tony Blair's MG car crashed in a field and a farmer buried him.
"Was he dead?" said the police.
"He said 'no', but you know how he lies." =
When President Bush died, God (from a Celestial Chair) asked, "And who are you?"
"It's Bush!" he bellowed, "an' I'm afraid yo' in ma chair."
LONG CATEGORY, October 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"Father, I had sex four times in all with a pair of lovely nymphomaniac twins last night," said the confessor.
"Good grief! what sort of catholic are you?" demanded the priest.
"I'm not a catholic at all," he replied.
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everyone."
=
The new priest called on the village good-time girl Marie McCoy, who was in hospital after a fall from the carnival float at the town's fair.
"I prayed for you last night," he said anxiously.
"My, that is nice," she smiled; "no need though, I'm in the telephone directory!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN / IF I ONLY HAD A HEART
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Modern lesbian =
Man's role in bed!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Madonna reverts to her raunchy image =
More men can adore this naughty raver.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
New movie: 'The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' =
Worthwhile to see it on a whim, for it can enchant bored children. Heaven!
LONG CATEGORY, November 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
FAMOUS DIAMONDS
The Centenary Diamond
The Star of Africa Diamond
The Idol's Eye Diamond
The Sansy Diamond
The Hortensia Diamond
The Cullinan Diamond
The Excelsior Diamond
The Koh-I-Noor Diamond
The Victoria Diamond
The Paragon Diamond
The Blue Magic Diamond=
My dream,
A dream
I couldn't afford,
Hid a deadly ambition ...
Diamonds
So sad, this modest man.
I had innocence, hope ...
No money.
No
Diamonds
Utter intoxication!
Oh, I cherished them!
Utter addiction!
Oh, I ... killed for them!
Diamonds.
Love and Hate
Go hand-in-hand.
A gem
A tear
A diamond.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
JERUSALEM
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2005:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
She's a great lay =
Easy shag alert.
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"Hope is a waking dream." - Aristotle =
So heartwarming. Said like a poet!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." Mark Twain =
"Whereas the others were all, thankfully, the imprudence of my phobic, misbehaving imagination."
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Christmas movie 'It's A Wonderful Life' =
Festive old film hit is sure to charm anew.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2005:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Annabel Lee
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2005:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The hardcore-porno star Linda Lovelace =
Deep Throat's carnal icon loved her oral!
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Police cadet =
Delicate cop.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Hamas triumphs in Palestinian elections =
Oh man, this result is insane. Panic time, pal!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti =
Is a jailbird madman that disliked USA.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Southern Beirut =
Is burnt-out here.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Terror group Hamas wins at the Palestinian elections =
Astonishing news! Israel in complete uproar at threat.
LONG CATEGORY, January 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A paranormal researcher was giving a talk in the village hall and asked,
"Out of interest, does anyone here think they've seen a ghost?" About nine hands went up. "Remarkable!" He exclaimed. "OK then, I wonder, has anyone ever spoken to a ghost?" Four hands went up. "Heck!" said the surprised man . "Well, did anyone here ever make love to a ghost?"
One solitary hand shot up. "I did! I did!" cried an old farmer who was standing at the back of the hall.
"Wow! Incredible!" said the lecturer. "You really made love to a ghost! How?"
"A ghost...? Beg your pardon sir," said the farmer, "I'm afraid I misheard. I thought you said a goat!"
=
A union rep, checking on a farmer thought to have been underpaying his employees, was being introduced to the hands.
"This is young Clive," said the farmer, "he drives a hay-cart and gets two hundred dollars a week and a room and board. Clive's colleague Millie, here, keeps house and averages a hundred and sixty-eight dollars a week with a room and board."
"That's fair," said the rep; "OK, anyone else?"
"Yeah, the half-wit. He slogs seventy hours a week for a notional twelve dollars, with room and board."
"Aha!" said the union rep. "I'd like to speak to that man."
"You're talking to him right now," said the farmer.
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Astronomical observations =
To scan a visible star or moon.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
German Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler =
Grim ruler of Fatherland, eh?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Southern Italy =
It enthrals you.
AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Twentieth Winter Olympic Games =
We meet top men in white Lycra tights!
LONG CATEGORY, February 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Isobel, the daughter of the house, got paralytically drunk on her eighteenth birthday and manservant Jeeves undressed her and put her to bed.
"Thank you Jeeves," said the contrite young lady next morning. "Um ...was I terribly tight?"
"Only the first two times madam," he replied.
=
When a grim Lady Legge fired Jenny, the housemaid, the irreverent girl couldn't resist a final parting shot.
"My Lady, your husband thinks I'm a better housekeeper than you, prettier and better to have decent sex with."
"Oh right, and my husband's told you that?"
"No, Jeeves told me!"
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2006:
eq.2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Eager lusting =
Genital urges.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Labour Party Prime Minister =
I'm that super Premier Tony Blair!
LONG CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The kids were lined up for lunch in the Catholic school's cafeteria. On the table was a largish pile of apples. The nuns had written a note and put it on the tray, saying:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further down the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a larger pile of chocolate chip cookies.
On the tray beside them, a kid had written:
"Take what you want. God is watching the apples."
=
A teacher was observing the children one afternoon as they painted pictures.
When she got to Cath, who was sat painting contentedly, she asked the affable little girl what her picture was of.
Cath replied deeply, "Oh, a picture of God."
"Aha, neat!" said the teacher, "But Cath, no one knows what God, er ... looks like."
Without looking up from the painting, the child said nonchalantly, "They will in a minute."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Dear Mr Viddik
I hate you. I hate you with a passion that has seethed for forty years, and unless I vent it, I'll erupt like a volcano.
You won't know me because I was one of the many little kids who passed through the torture chamber you called a classroom.
Yes Mr Viddik, you were my music teacher. But not any old teacher; you were an arrogant, sour, insensitive despot who single-handedly set back my musical appreciation by thirty years. Amazing!
Oh yes, you did demonstrate some classical stuff to us, but made no attempt to convey the passion, joy or genius that went into it, for you had none of these attributes yourself.
You made my musical appreciation a personal nightmare, and subjected me to the most humiliating experience of my life because I couldn't tell a crotchet from a quaver. In front of all my classmates, you beat a rhythm on my head with a blackboard eraser and, while great clouds of chalk-dust rained down past my tear-filled eyes, you shouted: "Tell me boy, what's going through that head now? Crotchets or quavers?"
The tragedy is, Mr Viddik, I do have an affinity for music. It can tear at my soul; it can lift my heart. I only have to hear something from 'Les Miserables' and I'm in tears. If I hear 'Night Fever' I'm up on the floor disco-dancing like a man inspired. But the classics leave me cold because they remind me of you.
Tragically, it is too late to redress this deficiency; it would take a lifetime to regain the knowledge and passion needed - and I hate you for that, Mr Viddik.
Are you wondering how I found your address? Easy: I looked in the phone directory and there you were. I didn't know if you'd still be alive because God knows you must be older than Methuselah, but I phoned the number and some nice old dear confirmed that yes, you had taught at my old school, and did I wish to speak to you? I said no - well, you can express hate so much better in a letter. And that's what I've done, and I feel great for having done it, so put that in your Wincarnis tonic-wine and drink it you swine.
Sincerely,
A. Crafter.
=
Dear Crafter,
Infernal cheek! I don't drink Wincarnis; I am a whisky man through and through. And why you expect me to remember you, I can't imagine - all you kids were snotty-nosed little brats, and what's more, most of you felt the edge of that blackboard eraser on your tatty, oily little skulls.
My teaching methods were tried and proven year by year, and if you didn't learn from them, that's your own daft fault. How dare you call me insensitive? May God strike me dead if I ever displayed one jot of insensitivity towards any of my
Dear Mr Crafter,
As you can see from the enclosed letter, my husband received your communication, but was unable to complete a reply.
He showed me your letter before going into the lounge to give a piano lesson to Chico, a Brazilian music student. He instructed me to pour him a stiff Scotch and to leave it on his desk so that he could drink it whilst doing a reply to you. As was his custom, he had some particularly caustic comments to relay to you.
The reason he didn't finish it is because I found him slumped over his bureau, pen in hand, as dead as a dodo.
Do not blame yourself Mr Crafter; he was all the things you described him as. I should know, I spent a lifetime's association with the loathsome masochist. My friend, yours wasn't the only volcano to erupt ...
That remark, although symbolic, about putting your hatred into his Wincarnis tonic-wine, gave me an idea. He loved his daily whisky, and that proved to be his undoing, for the pungency of the whisky disguised the taste of the paraquat.
I know I can rely upon you to destroy this letter (after all, we are kindred souls are we not?) In any case, I'll be out of the country when you receive it. I intend to take up residence in Ipanema and to lead a life of unbridled debauchery with my attractive young paramour Chico who, I am delighted to say, has achieved a quite remarkable degree of manual dexterity as a result of my deceased husband's lessons.
My! My! At least he left one decent legacy!
Adios amigo!
A joyous,
Victoria Anita Viddik
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Under each Scotsman's kilt ~
the clan's scrotum is naked!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Rolling Stones perform a gig in China =
Oriental spot for rich, aging Englishmen.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Yes, Las Vegas has many varieties of gambling ideas, like, dice, roulette wheels, slot machines and, er, wedding chapels.=
Alf married Melissa in Vegas. He decided that, being deep in successive losing streaks, he may as well go on all the way!
LONG CATEGORY, April 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through Mass, the missus leans over to her husband and says, "Oh my goodness, Wesley, I've just done two silent farts, what do you think I should do?"
He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
=
An old couple are in a grannie- home.
He says, "Can you guess how old I am?"
"Sure," she ventures, "but first I just need to grab your balls."
With that, she delves down in his pants, has a clutch and says, "Eighty-five."
"Darn! How d'you know that?" he roars.
"You told me yesterday."
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Straining to fart =
It is not fragrant.
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My real vision? Beating the Germans! =
Every Englishman's great ambition.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Motion picture: 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest' =
We've electroshock option on menu to cure fits.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Footballing star Ronaldinho =
Brilliant on goal, and so forth.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Disney Theme Park Resorts, Florida =
Kids, parents, mostly here for a ride.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.1st - Tony Crafter with:
Miss Keira Knightley to be The New Face of Chanel's ‘Coco Mademoiselle’=
Nice, gentle, wholesome choice. Man, I bet Kate Moss is really hacked off!
LONG CATEGORY, May 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
After having their ninth child, a Brummy couple decide it's enough as they can't afford a larger bed. So the husband goes to his doctor and says that he and his wife don't want to have any more children.
The doctor tells him there is a procedure called a vasectomy that will usually solve the problem yet it is very expensive.
"A less costly alternative is to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it to the ear and count to ten."
The Brummy says, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can held against my ear is going to sort me out."
"Yes, it seems iffy, but trust me, it will do the job", says the GP.
So the man dashes off home, lights a banger and puts it in a beer can. Then he holds the can next to his ear and begins to count: "One, two, three, four, five..." at which point he pauses and puts the beer can between his legs so he can carry on counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works very well in Liverpool, Manchester, Essex and anywhere in Wales
=
A married couple are motoring along at a controlled thirty miles per hour, the wife at the wheel.
Then her husband blurts out, "I realise we've been married twenty years, but ...I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, but gradually increases her speed to forty mph.
The husband continues. "I'm having a fling with your best friend, because the sex is a hell of a lot better than any stagnant congress with you. Don't attempt to oppose me or to change my mind."
Still she remains silent. And the speed goes up to fifty.
Bolder now, he decides to push his luck. "I want the house too."
Sixty mph.
"And the car," he continues.
Sixty-five mph.
"And I'll have the rest too - bank accounts, credit cards, and the boat."
The car, racing on, strays towards a concrete bridge.
This gets him nervous, and he asks: "So, isn't there anything you need?"
The wife replies in a calm, controlled voice.
"No, Bob, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he snorts, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall, the wife shoots a glance at him and smiles; "The airbag."
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2006:
eq.2nd - Tony Crafter with:
He: "Do you spit, or swallow?"
She: "Neither, man ...I gargle." =
Oral option how a girl deals with guy's semen here!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Milton's 'Paradise Regained'=
Serial poem deriding Satan.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
England's Manchester International Airport =
It costs an arm and leg on an internal trip here.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Motion picture "The Da Vinci Code"'s mauled by negative critics =
Intrepid, comic-cut academics investigate body in The Louvre.
LONG CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man came home from work, plopped himself down on his favorite couch, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,
"Hurry up! Bring me a cold beer before it starts".
She looked a little surprised, but got him a cold beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Come on, bring me another. It's going to start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Another beer NOW, before it starts."
The wife blew her top, "That’s it! You bastard! You come
in here, crash your fat, pig's ass down, don't even say
anything to me and then expect me to run around like your
pub-slave. Haven't you noticed that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?"
The husband groaned. "Oh hell, it's started.
=
I have been the victim of a hellish robbery while shopping and it could happen to you.
Two glamorous young women came over to the car when I was putting the goods in and began to clean the windscreen, their lush, alluring breasts bobbling about in their T-shirts. When I offered them a tip, they said no, but asked for a ride to another supermarket.
I agreed and they got in the back, but soon started kissing and having amorous sex with each other. Then one of them climbed over into the front and (horror!) performed fellatio on me! Hell, I was so distracted I did not see the other one rob my wallet.
This shameful scam took place on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday - BE WARNED!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Asterisks and Ampersands
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The animal psychologist =
"That pig is so melancholy".
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2006:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Zinedine Zidane gets a red card in the World Cup Final =
Italians win, French cried, and legend Zizou departed.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud =
Anguish? That's purely a dream's dysfunction.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong =
Note an immortal phrase, spoken after gallant men's first moon-landing
LONG CATEGORY, July 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A middle-aged couple had two very beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son, so they decided they'd try one more time for the son they'd always wanted.
Then the wife got pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The happy father rushed to the hospital to see his new young son and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever set eyes on.
"There is no way I can be the father of this child. No sir!" he exclaimed. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I've fathered! Rosanne, have you been fooling around behind my back?"
His wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
=
A married man had been having a wild affair with his pretty secretary.
One day they went to her house and made love all afternoon. Satiated, they fell asleep, but didn't wake till eight that night.
The man hurriedly dressed, then told his lover to take both his shoes outside and rub them in the dirty, wet grass. Then he put them on and set off home.
"Hey, where have you been?" said his tetchy wife.
"Oh, I won't lie to you," he replied po-faced. "Because, fact is, I've been to bed with my secretary and we had debauched sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bugger! You've been out playing golf!"
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Rude searching of prostate =
A doctor's finger up the arse.
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The magician =
Am I cheating?
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Kylie Minogue's set to continue her 'Showgirl' tour =
"I'm OK!" Stoic, gutsy heroine is well enough to return!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, August 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The sculptor and painter Michelangelo =
Eminent chapel-decorator's up all night!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The motion picture epic 'Ben Hur', starring Charlton Heston =
Noble, upright screen-hero triumphant in chariot contest!
LONG CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife went to a hospital to have their baby delivered.
As they entered, the doctor said there was a new machine that could transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pains to the father, and asked if they were willing to try it out. They were very much in favour.
The doctor initially set the pain-transfer exchange meter to ten percent, saying that was possibly more pain than any father would normally experience.
As the labour proceeded, the husband remained fine, and he asked the doctor to go ahead and knock it up some more notches, so the doctor cranked the machine up to a twenty percent pain transfer.
The husband still felt fine, so the doctor took the man's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
"Mamma mia! Remarkable!" he said, and at this point they decided to go for a massive fifty percent. And yet still the husband continued to feel quite well. So, as the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the man encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
As a result, she delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all. She and her husband were elated.
When they returned home they found the milkman lying dead on the doorstep.
=
An innocent young chap moved into his new apartment, and went to the lobby to attach his plastic nameplate to the mailbox.
While he was there, an attractive blonde appeared from the next apartment, wearing a thin chiffon robe.
The lad nodded politely to her and she started up a conversation. As they chatted, her robe slipped open, and it was very evident that she had nothing on underneath.
He broke into a sweat and, terrified, tried to maintain eye contact with her.
After a while, she placed her hand on his wrist and said, "Let's go to my place, I can hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door behind her and then leaned against it, letting her robe fall off. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you pick as my best feature?"
Flustered and confused, he finally squeaked, "Well, effectively, it's got to be your ears."
Amazed, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these perfect, full breasts; they're a hundred percent natural. I work out lots every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin ... perfect! I have no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stuttered ... "Earlier, when you said you heard someone coming ... that was me."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
MANDALAY
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Australian model Elle 'The Body' Macpherson =
Tall, shapely, blonde cutie. Ah, most men adore her!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Historical motion pictures: Ben Hur, El Cid, The Agony And The Ecstasy, The Ten Commandments, Khartoum =
In them, hero Charlton 'Chuck' Heston's cast as a tormented guy in period costume hated by militant men!
LONG CATEGORY, September 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a girl asked her man "Will you marry me?" The chap said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and she went shopping, drank martinis, went clubbing, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed thin and farted just whenever she wanted to.
THE END
=
As a blonde was driving home, her phone suddenly rang. It was her panicky boyfriend, who said he'd heard tell on TV that this maniac in a car was travelling the wrong way up a motorway. "Please take care, Cath!" the man pleaded fervently, and she replied, "It's not just one nut! There's, like, HUNDREDS of them!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE TIMELESS WIT OF GROUCHO MARX
"Remember, guys, that we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."
"I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."
"Once I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."
"Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."
"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A woman's an occasional pleasure, but a cigar's always a smoke."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"Time wounds all heels."
"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Getting older's no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Anyone who doesn't like this book is healthy."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for a divorce, and so will my wife."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes?"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
=
THE INIMITABLE GENIUS OF PETER KAY
Some good homespun philosophies and jollification from the audacious Bolton comic's vivid imagination. Justifiably named 'Britain's Comedians' Comedian', his monologues comprise homely axioms based on boyhood memories, imaginative observation and life in general.
Come, enjoy a gleaming choice of some of his amusing 'bijoux'!
"You've become your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with."
"Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?"
"You can't respect a man who carries a dog."
"Why does mineral water which has tRick Rothsteinled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?"
"Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll just pull those dangly things and I'll drink whatever comes out'?"
"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."
"Every man has at some time while taking a pee, flushed half way through then raced against the flush."
"Reading when you're drunk is horrible."
"When rummaging in an overgrown garden, you always come across a bouncy ball."
"Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel really manly."
"You never know where to look while eating a banana."
"Old ladies can eat more than you think."
"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."
"Sex is just like a game of bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand."
"You know that look women sometimes get when they want sex? Me neither."
"If someone says there are millions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, why do you need to touch it to be sure?"
"We all remember the day a dog ran into our school."
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles but my wife won't go swimming."
"If a person owns a bit of land, do they own it right down to the earth's core?"
"Some days you see lots of individuals on crutches."
"Old ladies with mobile phones look wrong!"
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Disneyland Resort at Anaheim, California =
Children’s hearts at one in a fairy-tale domain.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Islamic Fundamentalism =
Muslim fanatic's mad line.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice." =
Call me a cynic, but I dispute this. In my eyes, the know-nothings, or show-offs, have the loudest voices. Sad, is it not?
LONG CATEGORY, October 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An undertaker was working alone late one night.
He laid out the body of Mr. Lunge for its cremation, and made a startling discovery. Lunge had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"Sorry Mr. Lunge ," the mortician sighed, "but I just cannot allow you to be cremated with such an incredible private part. It has to be saved for posterity."
So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"Honey, I've something to show you that you will not believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"Good Heavens" the wife yelled, "Lunge is dead!"
=
A cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral. A massive heart, covered in beautiful flowers, stood in view behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart eerily opened up and the casket moved inside. The big heart then closed up, sealing the doctor's body forever inside its ideal home.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into impolite laughter. When everyone stared at him, he said, "Oh boy! ... I am sorry, but I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynaecologist!"
That's when the proctologist fainted.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
If Tomorrow Never Comes
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The nostalgic 'As Time Goes By' =
Ah, Bogey elects Sam to sing it!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Evander 'The Real Deal' Holyfield and Mike Tyson =
A lethal-handed evil-one kind of restyled my ear!
LONG CATEGORY, November 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A young man called Chuck invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Chuck's flatmate, Simon, was. She'd long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, whilst watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there really was more between Chuck and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mother's thoughts, Chuck volunteered, "Yes, I know what you're thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates."
About a week later, Simon said to Chuck, "Ever since your mother came, I haven't been able to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure," said Chuck. So he mailed:
DEAR MOTHER, I AM NOT SAYING YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I AM NOT SAYING YOU "DIDN'T", YET THE FACT REMAINS, IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE CHUCK.
Some days later, an email came from his mother, which said:
DEAR SON, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT", YET THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE'D HAVE FOUND THAT FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM.
Lesson of the day:
DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE'LL ALWAYS FIND OUT)
=
With only Clingfilm shorts on, the man went to his shrink, who said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. I think a strong currant drew him in.
Telephone answer-machine: "... If you want to buy marijuana, push the hash key now ..."
A man came round in hospital after an accident. "I can't feel my legs!" he shouted.
"No, I know that," replied the surgeon, "I've cut both your arms off".
A man went to the doc with a strawberry birthmark on his bum. The doc said, "Fine, I'll give you some cream to put on that."
"Doc, I can't stop humming 'The Green Green Grass of Home'. Eerie, huh"
"No, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Uh? Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed," he said, "Can you do anything for him?"
"Let me have a look at him then," said the vet. He picked the dog up and tested his eyes, then teeth. Finally, the vet said, "I'll have to put him down."
"What, because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's effin' heavy"
I was getting in my car, and a bloke said, "Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure - It's summer! Be uninhibited! You look fine! The world's your oyster! Go for it!'
A man walked into the docs. "I've hurt my arm in several places," he said.
"Then don't go there any more," huffed the doc.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maggie May
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An adolescent =
Note lad's acne!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2006:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A Christmas Carol. The story by Charles Dickens =
Boss-character lacks charity, then? Miserly sod!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, December 2006:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The President of Russia =
Sheer disaster of Putin!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Seattle Airport =
A pilot's retreat.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Are 'conspiracy theories' on Princess Diana's death true? =
'No, as she perished in a routine car accident,' says report.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2006:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ONIONS AND XMAS TREES
The family are sitting at the meal table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
Father, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, Chuck, there are 3 kinds of breasts.
In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like ripe melons; lush, firm and well-rounded.
In her 30's and 40's they are like pears: still nice, although hanging a bit.
After her 50's, they are like, well ... onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
=
These inane remarks annoy his wife and daughter, so the daughter asks, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
Her mother smiles serenely and answers, "Well Penny, a man goes through 3 key phases.
In his 20's, his willy's like a fine oak tree; knotty, noble and so hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it's a serene birch; lean, flexible, but usable
After 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2006:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HAPPY XMAS (WAR IS OVER)
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Oliver Twist'. The novel by Charles Dickens =
Scrawny bloke sent child to thieve silver!
LONG CATEGORY, January 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE IRISH CHRISTENING
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident and fell into a deep coma.
After being stuck in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now; however they were poorly at birth and needed to be christened immediately. But luckily, your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, not Paddy ... he's a clueless idiot. Anticipating the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well then, what is my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The mother is very relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about Paddy ... I do like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew"
=
A HOLY CROSSNESS!
Seamus asked Pat how he got his terrible black eye.
"Begorra, ye'll never believe this," said Pat, "but, I confess, I got it in church."
Pat said he'd been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for hymns he noticed her dress was creased into the centre of her bum-cheeks.
"So I leant forward to pull it out and she turned and hit me!"
Some days later, Seamus was surprised to see an embarrassed Pat sporting yet another nasty black eye.
"I got it in church again," he began to explain. "Strangely, I was behind this same woman; the fat one. Anyway, when we stood for the hymns I saw her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum. Then my little nephew Jimmy reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew the snooty cow didn't like that, so I leaned over and pushed it right back in again!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS
Subject: SOME NEW-YEAR TIPS!!
Hi Friends!
You HAVE to read this and pass it on! I am already carrying out No.3!
(1) Telemarketers:
Say 3 words: "Hold on please..."
Do this, put down your phone and walk off (instead of hanging-up), and it will make each call so long that boiler-room sales will grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone-company's "beep-beep" tone, go back and hang up your handset, as it has now efficiently completed its task. These 3 words will help eliminate phone-soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls where no one is there? This is a telemarketing technique! A machine makes calls and records the time of day a person answers. This is used to ascertain the best time for a "real" salesman to call back and find someone in. If ever you get a silent call, hit your hash button rapidly, 6 or 7 times. This confuses the mechanical caller and kicks your number from its system!
(3) Junk Mail:
When you get "ads" enclosed with utility bills, return the "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you receive those "pre-approved" letters for credit cards and loans, do not discard the "return" envelope, as most of these are "postage-paid". It costs them more than the regular 24p postage, BUT ONLY IF THEY RECEIVE THEM BACK. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! Postage was 29p before our last increase. So, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes? For example; send an ad for a local chimney cleaner to American Express, or a pizza voucher to Citibank. If you got nothing else that day, then send their blank application back! If you want it to be anonymous, don't put your name on anything you return. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to keep them guessing! It is still costing them 24p; and every 24p mounts up!
Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but we need to OVERWHELM them with 1,000s! Let THEM see what it's like to get loads of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
The Royal Mail also stuffs local adverts through your mailbox. I put them back in their own Post Boxes. Good fun, eh?!
Let's keep our postal service busy since they say e-mails cut into their profits, which means they have to increase costs again.
If enough people follow these tips, they'll work!
THIS COULD BE ONE E-MAIL YOU "WILL" WANT TO FORWARD TO 5 OF YOUR FRIENDS!
=
e-mail to: ALL MY FRIENDS
Subject: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Hello Merrymakers!
Now that the New Year is upon us, I'd just like to extend my thanks and appreciation to all of you who've thoughtfully taken the time and trouble to send me those well-chosen "Forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you all for making me feel so safe, happy, blessed and healthy. My added thanks to the people who sent me the e-mail about rats' crap in the glue on envelopes, as I now have to go get a wet towel every time I seal my envelopes. Also, I love Dr Peppers yet, just because of your concern, I must scrub the top of every single can I open just in case the shopkeeper had some dry piddle (or worse!) on his hands.
I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know that it can remove toilet stains, which isn't a particularly appealing characteristic. Not to mention the zippy fact that it eats-away a T-Bone steak in about 3 days! Furthermore, I no longer check the coin returns on pay phones because my finger could be pricked with an infected needle-tip that may be riddled with AIDS. I don't use deodorants just in case they cause cancers, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I don't go to shopping centres because some psycho might drug me with a cologne sample, nor do I eat KFCs because their "chickens" are actually terrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer worry about my soul because at the last count, I had 36,324 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I've learned that God will only answer my prayers if I forward these e-mails to twenty of my friends and make a wish within thirty minutes. I no longer have any savings because I just gave them all to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die horribly in some third-world hospital (for the 372,294th time).
In fact, I no longer possess any money at all - but that will change once I receive the phenomenal sums that Microsoft and AOL are quickly sending me for participating in their special online e-mail-system program.
Yes, I want to express my thanks to you all so much for doggedly looking out for me that I will now return the favour!
If you don't send this e-mail off to at least 124,000 people in the next twenty minutes, a huge donkey with teeth like razor blades will promptly turn up and rip your privates clean off at 5PM this afternoon. I know this will happen because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's sister's dog.
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2007:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The American burlesque performer Dita Von Teese =
Termed 'Queen of strip'. Man, I love her cute, bare arse!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, to have a hysterectomy =
Charles? He formally cancels vasectomy without ado!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
There is no great genius without some touch of madness =
In neurosis, admit we see much greatness of thought too
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Passionate Shepherd to His Love
by
Christopher Marlowe
Come live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dale and field,
And all the craggy mountains yield. =
Dear Miss Capulet
Brave damsel I shall leave thee ne'er,
And will speed to thy shy balcony tonight,
When my love I shall as new declare;
PS: It'll help if thou provideth a ladder and a light!
My Love,
Swain Romeo
LONG CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly Welshman is lying on his deathbed. Eyes closed, he can feel the end is not very far away, when he notices the most wonderful aroma.
He realises that his loving wife of nearly sixty years is baking his favourite Welsh cakes.
He manages to muster up enough energy to drag himself out of bed and crawl very weakly to the kitchen.
As his frail, withered hand reaches up to the cake-table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon, as his wife barks, "Fuck off, they're for the funeral!"
=
Following fertility treatment, an eighty-odd-year old woman has a baby daughter.
When she comes home, six of her wrinkled pals suddenly turn up drooling, "Gosh! Can we have a look at the baby?"
"No - later!" she huffs. "Have some coffees first."
Coffees finished, they ask, "Can we see her?"
"Later, have some cakes."
After cakes the friends all ask, "Can we see her?"
"Later."
"Why do you keep saying 'later'?" they ask, offended by her unwillingness.
"I have to wait until she cries?"
"Huh? Why?"
"So I can find out where I left her!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
MULL OF KINTYRE
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Has homosexual tendencies =
He does men's anal exits? Ouch!
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A McDonald's quarter-pounder with cheese and fries =
I squander our planet and decimate fresh cow herds.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
British marines captured at sea =
Ire as Iran's pirates abduct them
LONG CATEGORY, March 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Our flight was being served by a gay flight attendant who seemed keen to get everyone in a good mood as he served us our food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to land, he came swishing down the aisle and said, "Captain Harvey has asked me to tell you all that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so, lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, then that will be super".
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed Arabic- looking woman had not moved a muscle. "Oh, perhaps you didn't hear me over those big engines," he said, " but I asked you to raise your traysy-poos, so the main man can pitty-pat us to the ground."
The woman calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. And I take orders from no one!"
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I am called a Queen. So I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"
=
A mother was taking her child around a supermarket, and all the way round the aisles, the fractious toddler was screaming abuse and making a din.
"Ok, only two more aisles to go, Polly," said the mother.
As they continued, the child still screamed and fussed, but the woman said, "It's ok Polly, don't get stressed, only one more aisle to go before checkout!"
Even in the checkout queue the precocious infant still ranted and stamped her feet. "Ok, Polly, nearly finished!" said the parent, "Just have to pay the bill, and you can go home and have a nice rest."
The bill paid, they were about to leave when another lady-shopper came up and said. "Can I say how impressed I was with the capable and inspiring way you kept encouraging your daughter Polly, even though she was obviously giving you a pretty bad time."
"No, you don't understand," said the mother, "my daughter's name isn't Polly, it's Barbara ... I'M Polly!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
That's Amore
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin =
Heavy insobriety kills icon?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion =
Home of shapely-bunny sharing!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Spring is passing by
Birds weep, and even the eyes
Of fish are tearful
=
Vestiges of Spring
Shy new life appears and ends
Her beauty is brief
LONG CATEGORY, April 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, his wife fell ill and passed away.
The local undertaker told the husband, "You can get her body shipped home for £12,450, or you can bury it right here for an inexpensive£367."
The man considered it for a moment and told him he'd have her sent home.
The undertaker exclaimed, "Why would you want to go and spend extra to ship your wife home? It would be so fitting to be buried in this great Holy Land and it will only cost you £367."
The man replied, "Well, a long time ago a guy died and was buried here. Three days later he was rising from the dead. Man, I just cannot take that chance!"
=
Chuck, a typical woodenhead macho man, had just married a very good-looking lady, and after the wedding he laid down the following 7 rules for her:
"I shall come home: 1. When I want. 2. If I want. 3. At what time I want. 4. I do not expect any hassle from you. 5. I expect dinner to be ready on the table unless I tell you otherwise. 6. I shall go off hunting, drinking and card-playing with my buddies when I feel the need to, and 7. Don't you dare - repeat, DARE - give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules and procedures. Any comments?"
His new wife replied, "No, that's agreeable, but just understand that I shall be having sex here at 6.30 every night ... whether you're home or not!"
RUDE CATEGORY, April 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Same-sex relationship =
I am expert in assholes!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know. (US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld)"
=
"What-ho, Blair! Ok?"
"Who's there?"
"War-Winner!"
"George! Ok!"
"Found any lawless nukes yet?"
"We went downtown at the weekend - found nowt."
"No nuke deterrents?"
"No."
"Underground rockets? Networks?"
"No."
"Frankenstein's monster?"
"Te he!"
"Wanna kick ass then?"
"What ... war? Wow! When?"
"The tenth?"
"Ok!"
"Thanks."
LONG CATEGORY, May 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An Englishman, Reg, was out walking with a Frenchman and Welshman, when he found a lantern. He rubbed it, and out popped a genie!
"I'll give you each one wish," said the genie.
Dai said, "I'm a farmer and I want the land to be fertile in Wales."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM'! - the Welsh land was forever made fertile.
Pierre said, "I want a wall round France so that no one can come into our precious country. With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM' ! - a huge wall appeared round France.
Reg asked, "I'm very curious, tell me more about this wall."
The genie explained, "It is about two hundred metres high, forty metres thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman said, "Okay. Fill it up with water".
=
Vladimir Putin, George Bush and Tony Blair were strolling along the beach together after a Heads of Power meeting, when they came across a green bottle washed up on the sand. The men picked it up and opened it, and out flew a genie!
"I am free! I am free!" cried the genie, "And, in return, I shall grant each of you a wish."
Putin sniffed, "A wish? Well, I have one main wish; I would like you to drop a giant nuclear bomb on infernal America."
"Warfare! Oh man, wild!" exclaimed Bush. "In that case, I want the same. I would like you to drop a giant nuclear bomb on infernal Russia."
"And what would you like, Tony?" asked the genie.
"What? Oh ...I'm still thinking," he answered. "Serve the other two gentlemen first."
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Chemical castration of paedophiles =
It can help calm desire of a sociopath.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Lewis Hamilton =
Me? I won all this?
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The late Diana, The Princess of Wales - those pictures of her last moments. =
Let news-editors accept that photos of her final minutes are shameless.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
America
by Samuel F. Smith
My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!
=
The Divide
Prince Charles
God bless my noble mum,
Defend my tender mum, long may she rule;
I'm far too daft to reign,
It is a royal pain,
I'd rather settle free of strife
With my fine, shy wife!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. Afterwards, the ladies went into the kitchen and Bob, one of the men, said, "We tried an excellent restaurant last night, I would recommend it."
"What is the name?" said the other man.
Bob thought deeply and said, "Just a minute ... what's that flower you give a girl? ... it's red and, um, thorny."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it," he replied, then turned to the kitchen and called, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we visited last night?"
=
The couple in the well-lit restaurant had eaten dinner and the waiter was attentively pouring them a third glass of white wine. As he tilted their bottle, he noticed the gentleman suddenly slide off his chair and disappear.
So, not wanting to attract undue attention, the waiter remarked conversationally to the lady, "Excuse me madam, it seems your husband is under the table."
"Oh, no he's not," retorted the ashen-faced woman. "My husband has just walked through the door!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Candle in the Wind
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man-eating lion =
One giant animal!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Oscar Wilde's novel The Picture of Dorian Gray ~
showed a very old caricature reposing in loft!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor =
Lost, abnormal Prince with the huge protruding ears!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore, at Florence =
Fine Italian cathedral. I so adore its marble face.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'Chariots of the Gods?: Unsolved Mysteries of the Past' by Erich Von Daniken =
This buffoon thinks modern-style space voyagers once visited Earth? Doh!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
As the man left court in his invalid-chair with his million-pound compensation award, the two insurance detectives stalked him down the road.
"You won't get away with this fraud," they hissed. "We shall be watching you for the rest of your life."
"That's no problem," he replied. "Watch all you like. You can watch as I go on my world trip and you can watch me go to Lourdes and then you can watch as, before your eyes, one hell of a miracle happens."
=
Paddy O'Neal came through the customs area at Shannon Airport in a fancy Hawaiian shirt, clutching at two large bottles.
"Whoa now! What have we here?" said a suspicious officer.
"Why, 'tis Lourdes holy water I've brought on home with me," Paddy announced innocently.
The officer eyed him cynically, took one of the bottles and swallowed a mouthful. "Ow! It's neat Irish whisky!" he spluttered.
"Well, upon my soul!" cried Paddy. "Another miracle!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An Irish Airman Forsees His Death
RUDE CATEGORY, July 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Underwear-stain? =
Answer, "Urinated."
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The late Princess Diana's memorial service =
A horse merits a presence - Camilla's invited!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"Oh, why did you make woman so beautiful?" the man says to God.
God says, "So you would love her." =
"Ay true," the man says, "but God, why did you make a woman so foolish?"
God: "So she would love you."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
=
Eloquent tutors told me a tale;
Seventeen beautiful virgins waited in Heaven,
So I crashed the plane on a city;
Died for The Dream.
The truth?
Hell.
That Dream was a lie.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A seven-year old boy and his four-year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom talking. "You know what?" said the older child, "I think it's about time that we started swearing."
The four-year old tot smiled, rascal-like, and nodded his head in approval.
"Right then, when we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, and then you can swear right after me, ok?"
"Ok!" agreed the little four-year old enthusiastically.
Downstairs, when the two kids were at their seats, the mother came into the kitchen and asked the seven-year old son what he wanted to have for breakfast.
"Why, shit mom, I guess I'll have some of those Coco Pops," he said.
WHACK!! came the immediate response. The lad instantly flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, then got up and dashed upstairs to his room crying his eyes out.
The mother looked at the four-year old child and said to him in her sternest voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast then, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbered, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
=
Bored young Rick was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything to egg him on and, as a last resort, sent him to a Catholic school.
On the first day, Rick came home with a very serious look on his face and went straight off to his room.
Later, the mom went up and was shocked to see books spread about everywhere and Rick hard at work!
Later, Rick came down for a meal, but as soon as he'd eaten, went back and studied even harder than before. This went on every day while his folks tried to figure what'd made the difference.
Finally, Rick brought home a report card, laid it on the table and went off to study. His mom looked at it with trepidation, but to her surprise he'd got an 'A' for maths! Unable to stem her curiosity, she went up to his room and asked, "What was it? The nuns?"
He shook his head.
"Was it the books, the discipline, the structure? Tell me, please."
The boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign; I knew they weren't fooling around."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Memphis Tennessee
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2007:
Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Luciano Pavarotti's 'Nessun Dorma' =
A rotund Latin man's voice soars up
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The late Princess Diana's Memorial Service =
Camilla's secret pain - "She is revered. I am not."
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Luciano Pavarotti =
Ciao to an ultra-VIP.
LONG CATEGORY, September 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Dear Miriam,
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband Cliff alone watching TV as usual.
I'd only travelled about two-hundred -and- twenty metres when the engine spluttered and the car chugged to a stop. I scuttled back to get my husband's help, but when I got home I found Cliff posing in front of the bedroom mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heeled shoes, and wearing my make up.
After I confronted Cliff, he said he'd put on my lingerie because he couldn't find any of his own underwear. But when I asked about the make up he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for ages. I told him it has to stop, or I will leave him.
He lost his job recently and says he's been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love Cliff very much, but since the ultimatum he's become distant and I can't get through to him any more.
Please can you help?
Mrs B, Essex
=
Miriam says ...
Dear Mrs B, Essex
Sudden stalling of cars after being driven short distances can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there's no muddy sediment showing in the fuel line. If you don't find any showing, check that the jubilee clips which hold the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold are tight.
If none of these approaches highlights the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is somehow faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
As an added rule, Mrs B, do remember to keep an eye on the fuel gauge daily, as, when the level gets low, unhealthy muck in the bottom of the tank can be disturbed and rehashed and there's a likelihood your engine may get mudded up.
I recommend: 'www.twohundredmotordriving-hintsforwomen.com' as a handy web address. (And download: 'Friendly Engine Info For Women').
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
As Time Goes By
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A life support machine =
Can pump if I lose heart.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Doris Lessing has won the Nobel Prize for Literature =
Top writer of best-sellers realized a shining honour.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The late Diana, Princess of Wales and Dodi Al-Fayed =
Lady and a fellow's end; fated to die in a Paris chase.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals =
A totally free charity - they monitor violence on pets for us.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
One
Small,
Precise,
Poetic,
Spiraling mixture:
Math plus poetry yields the Fib.
=
PROSE:
Pen
This
Purest
Example
Of arithmetic
Yielding multi-syllabic prose
LONG CATEGORY, October 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Council tax evaluators want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.
A local shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army, but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
Honestly, who'd live near Windsor Castle?
=
One hot August day, Prince Charles visited Carshalton Beeches - a suburb of London - to open an organic-sausage factory. On arrival, he looked very suave rigged out in full summer naval uniform, except ... he also wore an enormous, comical fur hat!
During a supervised tour of the site, he struggled manfully in the hot confines to both converse with and offer encouragement to the employees.
Later, the factory owner thanked him for attending. Then, with a perplexed expression, he observed, "I hope you won't mind me asking Sir, but it's very warm with our generators blasting out heat, and you are wearing ... a fur hat?"
"Well, it's by royal command!" retorted the Prince. "I phoned Mummy last night and she asked what I was doing today. When I told her I was going to visit a business premises in Carshalton Beeches, she said, "Carshalton Beeches? Wear the fox hat?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous, petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The girl notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?Ó
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new. Let me explain. We have a rule here that if you get an erection; it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a big towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the camp's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, very-hairy man lumbers out of the steam room towards him, "Did you call for me?" says the man.
"No, what do you mean?" replies the newcomer.
You must be new," says the man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge, very-hairy man spins him round, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "How may I help?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the five-hundred-pounds membership payment."
But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You've not had a proper chance to view all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm seventy-two years old. I only get an erection once every month. But I fart thirteen times a day!"
=
Two old men, Mitch and Humphrey, have been friends all their lives. When it becomes clear that Humphrey is dying, Mitch visits the sick man's house every day.
One afternoon Mitch says, "Humphrey, we have each been keen soccer fans all our lives, and we played in the same team for many years. Please do me one favour; when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there is soccer there."
Humphrey looks up from his death-bed. "Mitch, you've been a dear friend for many, many years; if it is possible, I shall do that for you." Shortly after, Humphrey passes away.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mitch is awakened from a deep sleep by a flash of ethereal light and an eerie voice calling out to him, "Mitch ... Mitch."
"Who is it?" he asks, sitting up suddenly.
"Me ... Humphrey."
"Oh no it isn't! You're an imitation - Humphrey just died."
"I am telling you, I'm no imitation; it is me, Humphrey!" insists the lone voice."
"Humphrey! Oh, man! It IS you! Where are you?"
"I am in heaven!" replies Humphrey. "And I have some really good news to announce ... also some bad news."
"Okay, tell me the good news first," says Mitch.
"The good news," announces Humphrey, "is that there is soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we are all young men again. Better still, it's always springtime and it doesn't rain or snow. And best of all, we can play soccer all the time because we never get tired."
"Hooray! That's excellent!" exclaims Mitch; "Beyond my wildest dreams! So, what is the bad news?"
"You're playing next Tuesday."
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Lace knickers =
Sleek in crack.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Nigella Lucy Lawson - 'The Domestic Goddess' =
English woman's dŽcolletage; it's so ... cuddly!
LONG CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The attractive woman was sitting alone in the bar when a young man approached her. "May I buy you a drink?" he asked.
"What, go to a hotel?" she screamed.
"No, no," protested the young man. "You misunderstood me. I just asked if you wanted a drink."
"What? You're asking me if I will go to a hotel?" she screamed, even louder.
Thoroughly bewildered, the man sloped off back to his table in the corner, while everybody glared at him indignantly.
After fifteen minutes or so, the girl came over to explain. "Hey, I'm sorry to have created such a scene back there," she said. "I'm a student of psychology, studying human behavior in unexpected situations."
The young man looked right back at her and shouted, "What? Two hundred dollars?"
=
Like most travel writers, Adam made for the hotel bar before checking into a room.
During his second drink, Adam caught the eye of a curvaceous blonde drinking alone. Not a man to miss an opportunity, he bought her a drink and commenced his usual chat-up routine. After their third whisky, he suggested they go up to his room. "I haven't registered my arrival yet," said Adam, "so why don't I say you are my wife?"
The blonde saw the logic in it, and they enjoyed a night of steamy love.
Next morning when Adam came down to check out, he was handed a bill for a thousand pounds. "What? That's absolutely outrageous! I've only stayed one night!" he protested.
"Yes," explained the clerk, "but your wife has been here all week! "
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A lady goes on a safari, taking her aged poodle, Timmy, along for company.
One day Timmy is chasing butterflies and soon discovers he's lost. Roaming around, he sees a lion heading quickly in his direction, looking for lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Hell! I am in deep poo!" Then, noticing some bones on the ground, he begins to chew them with his back to the lion. Just as the cat is about to leap, Timmy says, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder if there are any more around?"
Hearing this, the cat halts in mid-strike and slinks away into the trees saying, "Phew! "That was close! That old dog nearly had me to eat!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had seen everything, figures he can put his knowledge to use and trade it for protection. He heads off after the lion, but the poodle sees him and figures something must be up. The monkey catches up with the lion, tells all and strikes a deal.
The lion is furious at being fooled and replies, "Hop on my back, and just see what happens to that darn poodle!"
Timmy sees the lion coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What'll I do now?" But instead of leaving, he sits with his back to them, pretending he hasn't seen them, and just when they are close enough to hear, he says.
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"
=
Leo the lion was drinking from a stream with his bottom in the air, just as Coco, a baboon, was passing by. From the monkey's viewpoint, the lion looked like Leonora (a lioness who had acquired a certain reputation for having loose morals) so the cheeky monkey crept up noiselessly from behind, intent on a bit of slap and tickle.
On feeling the monkey's sudden touch, the startled lion let out an almighty roar, and the monkey, now realising his mistake, took off like greased lightning, running goggle-eyed, through the jungle with the lion in hot pursuit.
The lion was gaining on Coco by the minute, and the monkey was just resigning himself to the possibility of a gruesome fate at the paws of his assassin, when he suddenly came across a hunter's camp.
Without further ado, the monkey dashed into the camp, donned a safari suit, whipped on a pith helmet, then nimbly threw himself into a chair, grabbed a copy of The Times and hid behind it as though he was reading.
The lion bounded into the clearing and screeched to a halt. As soon as the dust had settled, he asked, "Hey man, have you seen a monkey come dashing past here?"
"What monkey is this?" said Coco, "not the one that goosed the lion down by the stream?"
"Oh hell," said the lion, "don't tell me it's in the newspapers already."
RUDE CATEGORY, November 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A term of affection à
Fornicate off, mate!
GENERAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A personal identification number =
I slip card in an ATM unit before one!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Charles Dickens novel Oliver Twist =
Child larcenist loves thieves' network!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Born on a Christmas Day =
Mary's son had not a crib.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Princess Cruises =
Scenic surprises!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The fool hath said in his heart, "There is no God." (The Psalms) =
Ah, The Good Lord is not harsh; He pities the faithless man.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Were there nails in the wood of the manger?
Did a thorn put the baby in danger?
Take your peace while you can,
Who is born Son of Man.
Sleep for now, the betrayal comes later.
=
Ah, now is the time for feeling good cheer!
Eat a turkey, alone, had with one pint of beer,
No Bush and no Brown
To let a soul down;
Celebrate! Merry Christmas - a Happy New Year!
LONG CATEGORY, December 2007:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The matron at a large hospital answered a phone call in her office.
"Would you tell me how Seamus O'Burns is getting on in ward two?" asked the caller.
"Seamus O'Burns?" repeated the matron, consulting her notes. "Yes, he had his operation yesterday, but I believe it all went very well and that he will probably be coming out in two days or so. Who is this speaking?"
"It's Seamus O'Burns in ward two. They don't tell you anything down here!"
=
Two Indian doctors were having a heated argument in a hospital lobby. "Well, I say it's W-H-O-O-M," said one.
"Well, I say it's W-H-O-O-M-B," challenged the other one.
A passing nurse heard them. "Sorry, but you're both completely wrong," she said. "It's actually spelt W-O-M-B."
"Thanks, nurse," said one, "but we will settle the argument ourselves; anyhow, we really don't think you're in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting under water!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Death Is Nothing At All
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2007:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Vaginal smells threaten ~
the travelling salesman!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
How come that we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America? =
The women's seductive cup-ratios are more important forms of joy than the offices of world power?
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Bessie Braddock: "Winston, you are drunk!"
Churchill: "And Madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow, I'll be sober, and you will still be ugly."
=
Madonna: "Guy; can I borrow your cards, dude? I would like to order a wild li'l black number!"
Guy (yells): "Hell missus! Not another baby?"
LONG CATEGORY, January 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
On Saturday nights the three lads always went off to town together, but Seamus made a point of passing the church so he could attend confession, while the other mates waited outside.
"It has been a week since my last confession father," said Seamus, "and I'm sorry to say I have sinned of the flesh again."
"Was it that strumpet Babs O'Mairan from the dairy?"
"No father."
"Then, was it those cheeky Brady girls in the fruit shop?"
"No father."
"Don't tell me it was the widow Murphy paradin' her wares again?"
"No father."
"Very well; do your penance and be off with you then," said the priest.
Seamus dashed from the church to his waiting mates. "Great!" he said, "I've been told at least three amazing tips for tonight!"
=
"Father," confessed the man shyly, "yesterday I made love to my wife."
The priest assured the man there was nothing wrong with that.
"But father, I did it with ... lust."
Again, the priest told him it wasn't a sin.
"This was in the middle of the day though, father. Is that okay?"
The priest was getting uneasy with so many uncomfortable descriptions but assured his parishioner that it was a naturally healthy act for a man and wife.
"But father, it was a shameless act of passion. As she leant over the deep freeze I pounced on her and we made love right there on the floor! So ... does it mean I am banned from going to church?"
"Of course not," said the priest.
"Oh, thank goodness, because we're banned from Safeways."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My Generation
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Singer Amy Winehouse's addiction =
I wasted my genius on heroin acids.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The former astronaut Neil Alden Armstrong =
Great elder. Lunar star. First man on the moon!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Why is it that our children cannot read the Bible in schools, but they can in a prison? =
The ethnic child can rebut it as delusory, while a British-born con hasn't any option!
LONG CATEGORY, February 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Paddy O'Reilly boarded the train and found himself sharing a compartment with a snobbish-looking Englishman and his pugnacious little dog.
"Hey, what koind of pet moight ye have there, sir?" he asked, in a polite attempt at conversation.
"This? It's a cross between an orang-utan and an Irishman," was the testy reply.
"Bejesus! You mean it's related to the both of us?" said Paddy.
=
An old drunk got on a train, sat beside a priest, and began reading the paper.
After a bit, he looked up and said, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
This was just the chance opening the priest wanted. "I'll tell you, my man! It's caused by immoral living, by demon drink and by too many sins of the flesh! So ... how long have you had it?"
"Oh no, it's not me," said the man. "It says here the Pope's got it."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
20 PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 YEARS OLD.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. Nobody expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call you at 9.00pm and ask, "Oh ... did I wake you?"
5. You are no longer viewed as a chronic hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left for you to learn the hard way any more.
7. You know that things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat your supper at four o'clock in the afternoon.
9. You can live without sex (although you can't live without your glasses).
10. You get into very heated arguments over pension plans.
11. You no longer think of every speed limit as a deadly challenge.
12. You now quit trying to hold your stomach in, regardless of who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyesight won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are usually more accurate meteorologists than the weather forecast.
17. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they don't remember any of them either.
18. Your diminishing supply of brain cells have finally come down to a manageable number (3).
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. Or which folks you sent it to, so do prepare to be told a few times, that you would have sent this out before.
=
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave keys.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 19 phone numbers to reach members of your family of 3 people.
4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for never keeping in touch with friends and family is that they haven't got e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own drive and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Nearly every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, (which you were quite happy not to have the first 10, 20 or more years of your life), is now a cause for major panic and stress. You turn back to get it.
10. You get up in the mornings and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing!
13. Even worse, bet you know exactly to whom you're going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there's no number 9 on this list.
15. Bet you actually scrolled back up to check that there really wasn't a number 9 on this list!
16. AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING - at yourself!
17. Go on, forward this to some unfortunate pals. You blatantly know you want to!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Circle of Life
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A raving poof =
Vagina-proof!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
'Jonathan Livingston Seagull: A Story' by Richard Bach =
Banal novel. (Just a stray bird chancing to soar highly).
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The former Ugandan President Idi Amin Dada =
Murder and death personified in a mad giant.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Three Texan surgeons were arguing about who had the greatest skill.
The first surgeon said, "Three years ago, I reattached six fingers and a thumb to a concert pianist. He went on to give a piano recital to the Queen of England."
The second replied, "Heck, that's nothing unusual! I attended a man who was in a bad car accident, and both arms and both legs had been ripped from his body. Yet, just two years after I'd reattached his limbs, he went on to win three gold medals in the track and field events at the Sydney Olympics."
The third said, "Well, that's not unusual! A while back, I attended to a cowboy. He'd been whooping along, buzzing high on cocaine and alcohol, when he'd ridden his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 80 miles-per-hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten-gallon hat. A few years later, he went on to become the President of the United States."
=
An 80-year-old Texan rancher gashed his hand on a barbed wire fence while working the cattle, so he swathed his hand in a bandana and drove alone straight to the nearest doctor. While investigating the laceration, the Americanist doctor asked the man his feelings regarding George W. Bush being in the White House.
The man sniffed and said, "Well, ya see, Bush is a Post Turtle.'"
Not seeing what the man meant, the doctor said, "A Post Turtle! Interesting, but what on earth is it?"
The affable old rancher said, "Well, if you are out driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."
The old man saw a quizzical look on the doctor's face, so he explained:
"It's like this," he said. "Ya know he didn't get there by himself; he doesn't belong there; he can't get anything done while he's up there, and ya just wanna help the poor dumb bastard get down!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
America
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maxwell's Silver Hammer
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2008:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Adult-movie actress =
A cum-video's starlet!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"Do you know the alphabet, young Bush?"
"Yes."
"What comes after G?"
"Whizz." =
"Uh huh. What comes after whizz?"
"Bang."
"Good boy."
(SWOT UP YANKEE STYLE)
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
[A complete set of Scrabble tiles]
AAAAAAAAA BB CC DDDD EEEEEEEEEEEE FF GGG HH IIIIIIIII J K LLLL MM NNNNNN OOOOOOOO PP Q RRRRRR SSSS TTTTTT UUUU VV WW X YY Z [N] [R]
=
I often quote popular bards,
Limericks with love I regard;
An anagram view
Is a funny one too,
But, O Jeez! It's exceedingly hard!
LONG CATEGORY, April 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A 52-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.
Whilst on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Well? Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you've got another 43 years, 2 months, 8 days and 18 hours to live.'
Upon recovering, the woman chose to stay in the hospital's clinic and have a face-lift, liposuction, two breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even got someone to come in to change the colour of her hair and to whiten her teeth! Since she'd so much more time left to live, she figured she might just as well make the most of it.
After her final operation, she was released from the hospital, but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance racing to an accident.
Arriving in front of God, she said, 'Well? I thought you told me I had another 43 years left? Why didn't you pull me back from the path of that ambulance?'
...God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'
=
An 84-year-old man and his 83-year-old spouse are having trouble remembering things. To help address the problem, the doctor suggests they start noting them down.
That night, the old guy gets up from his chair in front of the TV. "Do you need anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Ooh yes! May I have a bowl of vanilla ice cream, please?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write that down then?"
"Nah, I'll remember it."
"Oh, and I'd love a hint of chocolate sauce on top. Write it down."
"Hell, no! It's fixed in my head," he says. "You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce."
"And I'd also like some whipped cream. I am sure you'll forget that. Make a note."
"Jeez! Don't get so paranoid! I got it, for goodness sake! 1: Vanilla ice cream; 2: chocolate sauce; 3: the whipped cream. Right?"
He toddles off to the kitchen. About 45 minutes later he returns and hands his wife a plate of bacon and 2 eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment ..."Where's my toast?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
SHOWER PROTOCOL - How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothes and place them methodically in laundry basket, separating lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, modestly cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make a mental note to do still more sit-ups/leg-lifts/weight-watching.
Get into the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once, using usual jojoba-and-orange-flower shampoo with twenty-eight added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's thoroughly clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit-and-mint-with-a-hint-of-lime-zest conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed-apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Manuka honey-and-Kikuyu beeswax aromatherapy body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Sponge off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner and wipe down.
Get out of shower.
Dry body with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super-absorbent fluffy towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown with towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
=
SHOWER PROTOCOL - How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the corner of the bed and leave them lying in random pile.
Swagger naked across the landing to the bathroom.
If you catch sight of wife along the way, shake willy at her doing the 'woo-woo' sound.
Appraise your exceptional, manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch bum.
Get into the shower.
Wash your face and neck.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water-jets flush the contents off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.
Wash your bum, leaving numerous coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a trendy Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partly dry yourself off.
Fail to notice excess water on floor caused by curtain hanging outside bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror and scratch bum again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat lying on floor, and light and fan still on.
Exit, dripping, and swagger back to bedroom with towel wrapped around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and do the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Carelessly throw wet towel onto bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE ALL GIGGLING, CHAPS, BECAUSE IT'S MOSTLY TRUE!!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Composed Upon Westminster Bridge
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I'd do anything! =
Had no dignity.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Madonna's 'Sticky & Sweet' Tour =
Tarty woman nods, "Suck it & see!"
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
(Grumpy patron): "Waitress! Is this coffee or tea? It tastes like turpentine!" =
(Trim young waitress): "It's tea, then. Our coffee tastes like paint-stripper."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE ELEPHANT
Hilaire Belloc
When people call this beast to mind,
They marvel more and more
At such a little tail behind,
So large a trunk before.
=
BLEED
Tony Crafter
A bull raged down a Spanish street,
Like Hell, the people ran.
More victim than mere loco beast;
I hail the bull. I loathe the man.
LONG CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
WHO? WHY? WHERE?
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and which has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse.
7 have been arrested for fraud.
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques.
116 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses.
3 have done time for assault.
71 cannot get a credit card due to a bad credit rating.
4 have been arrested on drugs-related charges.
8 have been arrested for shoplifting.
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits.
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year.
So, which of our organizations is this, exactly?
Well ...
It is the 635 members of our House of Commons - that same group, remember, who crank out hundreds of new laws each year to keep the rest of us commoners in line!
Hmm ...
=
THE EASIEST TEST EVER?
(Try this to test your degree of savvy!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) Which animal gives us catgut?
4) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel-hair brush made from?
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where do Chinese Gooseberries originate from?
10) What colour is the black box in an airplane?
Done?
Perfect!
But you need four correct answers to pass the test, so ... check beneath:
1) 116 years
2) Ecuador
3) Sheep and Horses
4) November
5) Squirrel fur
6) Dogs
7) Albert
8) Crimson
9) New Zealand
10) Orange
Did you succeed and get four?
No?
Feel bad?
Never mind.
Send it to five best friends to make them feel bad and you feel fine!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Strangers in the Night
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE POPE AND THE RABBI
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a great outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that his adversary was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us from all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
"Then he told me that all the country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
=
THE POPE AND FRANK PERDUE
Frank Perdue went to meet the Pope for an audience, and while having the papal blessing bestowed upon him, he whispered, "Oh, Your Eminence, just between we two, do I have a whoopee deal for you! If you just change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' we'll donate five hundred thousand dollars to the Church! Phenomenal, eh?"
The Pope replied, "That is indeed generous, but impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and that may not be changed. The matter is not negotiable".
"Ok then," rejoined Frank, "We do appreciate the position, so we are prepared to donate a mammoth one million dollars to the Church if you change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'"
Again the Pope admitted, "That is most benevolent. However, The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and must not be changed".
"Ooh, but Your Eminence! Just between us - I bet it's a temptation!" heehawed Frank, jabbing the air. "Ok - how about a billion! Admit it, that is a good bid! It's the highest we can go."
The Pope smiled as he stated, "Just between us, I have to repeat that the matter is not negotiable. Oh, I heed not the heathen money. Keep it! The Faith shall withstand the highest temptation."
Frank's jaw dropped, and he appealed to the Pope, "Oh, no, we are not heathens! To prove it, we will donate a phenomenal five billion dollars if you will change the words to the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' That is as high as we go. I'll await the papal decision." With that, he bowed and withdrew from the chamber.
The next day the Pope met with the College of Cardinals. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news," he told them. "The good news is that the Church has just been donated five billion dollars ..."
There was a heated babbling from the Cardinals. "Then, what is the bad news?" one of them entreated.
The bad news," replied the Pope, "is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account"
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Had tiny gonads =
Odd as anything!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Andrew Lloyd Webber sheet-music =
Widely-celebrated show numbers.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2008:
Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Einstein's General Theory Of Relativity ~
isolates energy travel, here to infinity!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2008:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
RULES FOR A LIFE THAT'S FULL OF HARMONY
Live simply.
Care deeply.
Love generously.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
=
FULL RULES THAT FAMED ROMEOS KEEP
Live for today.
Care for nothing.
Love ruthlessly.
Speak lyingly.
Leave speedily!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December. =
God gave us: G.W.Bush; so He committed a massive, one-time error here!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Philanderer Derek popped into the barbers for a haircut and while waiting for the barber to sharpen his razor, Derek was having a manicure from the very shapely blonde female assistant, and so he grabbed the chance to chat her up.
"What time will you finish here?" leered Derek out of the side of his mouth.
"About five o'clock," she said.
"Well, how about coming out for a drink and dinner with me?"
"But I'm married," she said.
"So what?" winked Derek.
"Well, what would I tell my husband?" asked the blonde.
"Tell your husband straight. Tell him you're going out tonight," said Derek.
"You tell him," she said. "That's him sharpening the razor."
=
A man went into a hairdresser's shop and asked him, "How long will you be?"
"Up to half an hour, sir," said the barber.
"Ok, I'll pop back later," said the man, then left.
He didn't return until the following day. "How long'll you be?" he asked.
The barber had four customers waiting. "Hmm - about an hour, sir," he said.
"Right, I'll come back."
The man did this every day that week and never returned, so the hairdresser became a bit rattled and asked his apprentice to follow him. "Tell me where he goes," he said. "Hurry!"
The apprentice whizzed off, but was back in five minutes. "Ok, I followed him!" he said.
"Right! ... Where did he go?"
"Straight round to your house!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE DANGLING CONVERSATION
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
John Keats 'Ode On A Grecian Urn' ~
hooks reader on an ancient jug!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
As a courtesy to the next customer, may we suggest that you use your towel to wipe off the wash basin. Thank you.
=
To that fat guy by the exit: We must ask you not to use the WCs, as your unwelcome arse is way too huge for the pans!
LONG CATEGORY, July 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed a little old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked what was the matter. She said, "I have a 25 year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, toast, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well! Now, why are you crying?"
She said, "He does me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me all the afternoon.
I said, "Then, just why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he cooks me a gourmet meal with red wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 a.m."
I said, "Well, why on earth would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"=
Two elderly widows had been friends for many years. Over the years they had shared all kinds of adventures, reminiscences and hardships. But recently, their activities had diminished to meeting up once a week to play cards.
One day, they were commencing a game of whist when one woman looked at the other and said sheepishly, "Now look, don't get mad at me... we have been chums for a long time - some 52 years I believe - but no way can I think of your name! I've thought and I've thought, and it's useless - I just cannot remember. I know I am a dummy, but please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For a full 2 minutes she stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you have to know?"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A murder play =
Purely drama
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The music of Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel =
Campus folk guitar and fluent harmonies.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Singer Gary Glitter is deported from Vietnam =
Tiny-virgin molester Gadd gets free trip home. Rat!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war;
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial." =
Having hatched Caesar's past murder, the guilt-filled Roman, Antony, voices the horrible foreboding that war shall follow.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he would pass a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her, fearing various saucy remarks that were almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds for a good time, sweetie?" she'd shout from her spot.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily event. He'd jog by and she'd inevitably cry out, "One hundred and fifty pounds - yes?"
He'd yell back, "No! Five!"
One day, Camilla decided that she would like to accompany Charles on his run
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Prince Charles realised she would bark her £150.00 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on past outings. He figured maybe he'd better have a good explanation ready for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the woman, he became even more nervous than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the woman's eyes as she watched them jogging past. Then, from her spot on the street corner, the hooker yelled:
"Oy! See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?"
=
The English golfer's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear. "Good God, Ruth! Why aren't you wearing any underclothes?" Demanded her husband John.
"You don't give me enough on my shopping-allowance account to afford them, John," she retorted.
John immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, Ruth; here's a £100. Do go and buy some underwear!"
Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. An up-draught also hitched her skirt up to show that she, too, was wearing no underclothes. "Holy Virgin Mary, Gale!" He said. "How come you have no panties?"
She replied, "Well, I can't afford them on what you give me."
O'Marah dipped into his pocket and said, 'For the sake of decency Gale, here's a 50. Go and buy some undies!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. A further gust took her skirt up to reveal that she, too, was naked underneath. "Och! Mudder o' Lord Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are your drawers?"
She too replied, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd them."
Jock reached into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love o' decency, here's a comb ...Tidy yerself up a bit."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
HEALTH QUESTION-AND-ANSWER QUIZ.
By
Doctor Feelgood
Q: I have heard that a proper cardiovascular exercise regime can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that is it. Don't use them up exercising. Everything wears out in the end. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that is like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism for delivering the vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And an added pork chop can give you all of your recommended daily allowances of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled from wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bits so, happily, you get more added goodness that way. Beer is also made from grains. Cheers!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ~
Q: What are some of the advantages of having a regular daily exercise routine?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My attitude is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
A: Oh dear me; you're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are saturated in it. How could getting more of these vegetables be bad for you? It's ecology. Ok?
Q: Can sit-ups actively prevent me getting a little fat around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it actually makes it larger. Take note! You should only do sit-ups if you want a larger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans? Yes - another vegetable! Chocolate is the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I trust this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about accurate food and diet evaluation.
And remember:
Life should NOT be seen as a velvety walkway to the grave, with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive, svelte and well preserved body, but rather as a sideways skid - Chardonnay and corkscrew in one hand, chocolate-cake in the other, body used up and worn out - screaming, 'WHOOPEE! What a ride!'
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Reusable condom =
Doubles romance!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, September 2008:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The American Society of Retinal Specialists =
Cataract in section of his eye? Simple - laser it!
LONG CATEGORY, September 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A wife was in the kitchen, preparing to boil some eggs for breakfast, just as her husband walked in. She turned round and said, "You've got to make love to me now."
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'Man! This is my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose one precious moment, he said, "Sure!", embraced her and then gave his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
His curiosity aroused, he said, "What was that all about?"
She replied, "The egg timer's broken."
=
A trucker, who has been on the road for three weeks, halts at a brothel-dinette outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, gives her five-hundred dollars and says, "Hi ma'am. I want to spend this on your biggest, ugliest woman and an egg sandwich!"
The woman is astonished. "Well, ok honey-pie, but for that kind of money you could have had just about the prettiest babe here and a three-course steak dinner," she suggests.
The trucker replies, "Listen darlin', I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2008:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Mandy
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The four group members: Benny Andersson, Bjorn Ulvaeus, Anni-Frid Lyngstad, Agnetha Faltskog.=
The famous ABBA. Stunning girls and jolly guys sang 'Fernando', then broke up forever. Smart end!
LONG CATEGORY, October 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Read this question, come up with your answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is exactly as it appears. No one I know has got it correct yet - including myself.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy she did not know. Yet she thought this guy was amazing, the perfect stereotype dream guy, and considered him to be just the type of man she had always wanted! Straight away, she fell completely in love with him, yet, unluckily, never asked for his name or a number and could not trace him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give it some thought before you try to answer it).
SCROLL DOWN.
=
Answer: She was hoping that the man would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered correctly, then this shows that you think like a psychopath. This quiz was devised by a renowned American psychologist to test which of us have the same mentality as killers.
Several arrested killers did the test and the deranged nuts answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, then good for you. If you got it right, then please let me know imminently so I can remove you from my mailing list forthwith; unless that will make you mad, in which case I'll just be downright extra-nice to you from now on. Be sure to share the test!
Do remember to let me know if you got it right!
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Our Last Summer
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Skeletons in the cupboard =
Bones unlocked their past.
LONG CATEGORY, November 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A man and his wife are woken at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it's 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asks his wife.
'Just some drunk asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring down out there!'
'Well, you've got a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself. Go and help him!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replies the drunk.
=
The duty-sergeant answered the police station's telephone at 3.00 on a Sunday morning. The person on the other end sounded addled and slurred.
"I wanna report a sherioush theft, offisher. I have been robbed! Shum lousy crook has unlawfully broken into my car and has shumhow plundered my poshessions."
"Your possessions? What sort of possessions?" asked the sergeant.
"My shteering wheel, brakes, dashboard, gearshtick, windshcreen. The whole bloody lot hash been taken away! Outrageoush. eh?"
The sergeant humoured him for a few moments; assured him he understood and said that he would address the situation.
"Jesus! Bloody drunken goof, phoning up at 3.00 in the morning," he murmured wearily as he hung up.
3 minutes later, his phone rang again.
"Yes?" growled the now grumpy desk-sergeant.
"It'sh ok, you can shtop looking," said the same drunken voice. "I wish to withdraw all allegations. My mishtake. I got into the back seat!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2008:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sixteen Going On Seventeen
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Leonardo Da Vinci's 'The Adoration of the Magi' =
A Visitation. Three men on a road. A child of God.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity...' =
'A Tale of Two Cities' - This commences with these pithy, if bitter-sweet, words of wit about the phases of life.
LONG CATEGORY, December 2008:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going straight home, went off partying with the boys all weekend.
When the man finally reappeared at his home on the Sunday night, his wife Connie was apoplectic with rage.
After a few of hours of stamping and screaming, she asked, 'And how would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'...
The husband could not believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and promptly said, 'Terrific! That would suit me just fine!'
Monday went by, and the man did not see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
=
A man and his wife were midweek-shopping in Tesco, when the husband saw some tins of lager and idly loaded them into the trolley
'Oi! What do you think you're doing?' demanded his wife.
'Well, they're on offer, only ten pounds for twenty-four tins,' he blubbered.
'Put them back, we can't afford beer!' hissed his wife. He sulkily did as she said and they continued shopping...
A few aisles later the woman saw a jar of Divine Face Cream costing twenty-pounds and duly put it in the trolley.
'Oi! What the hell are you doing?' demanded the guy, we can't afford that!'
'It's my face cream. It makes me look young and beautiful,' she said.
The man replied, 'Well, so does twenty-four tins of lager, and it's half the price!'
GENERAL CATEGORY, January 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
At the vicar's sermon, I think: ~
'Is it over? Thank Christ! Amen.'
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Atkins Diet Plan =
Patients' death link?
LONG CATEGORY, January 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
MY NEXT LIFE
I want to live my next life backwards, because:
I'd start off dead and get that over and done with.
Then I would wake up in a nursing home feeling fitter every day.
Then I would be kicked out of the home for being too healthy; enjoy my retirement and collect a pension.
Then I'd start work and get a gold watch on the first day. I would work for forty years until I was too young to work.
I'd get ready for High School: drink alcohol, go off carousing, and be generally promiscuous.
Then I'd go to primary school, I'd become a kid, play, go to the zoo and have no responsibilities whatsoever.
Then I'd become a baby, and then...
I'd spend the last nine months floating peacefully in luxurious bliss, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
I'd finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
=
TO ATTAIN A CALM LIFE
I'm passing this on to you because we could all profit from a bit more calmness in our lives. No kidding - it does work!
By following the simple advice heard on the Dr. Young show, you can find inner peace. Dr. Young stated: 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the little things you've started and not finished.'
Well, I looked around my house at all the unfinished things I'd started, and before leaving home this morning I finished a bottle of Bristol Cream Sherry, a bottle of eggnog, two packs of Kit Kat, and the remainder of my Prozac prescription. Next, I attacked the rest of my cherry brandy and ate a bag of Doritos and a box of well-known luxury chocolates.
You've no idea just how freaking good I feel right now.
Send this to anybody you know who might need inner peace.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
WHAT PARENTS THINK
I was one happy man! My gorgeous girlfriend and I had been together for a year, and had decided to be married. There was only one thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was eighteen, wore tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I'd always get an eye-popping view. It had to be deliberate, because she didn't do it when she was near anybody else.
One day, the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she confessed that she had desires for me that she couldn't suppress. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in such complete shock, I could not think of anything to say!
'I'm going up to my bedroom,' she said huskily. 'If you want one last wild fling, come up and get me.'
I was frozen with shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the door. I opened the door and marched straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my prospective father-in-law hugged me and said, 'Hello! We're so happy that you have passed our little test! We could not ask for a better husband for our daughter. Thanks, and welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
=
WHY PARENTS DRINK
The boss of a manufacturing organization could not understand why one of his most steadfast research-staff members was off work but hadn't made any effort to phone in. Needing to sort out a problem with an essential main computer, and in order to resolve the absentee mystery, he rang the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello? '
'Hello, dear ... is your Daddy in?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the little voice.
'Can I talk to your Daddy?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised, and wanting to talk to an adult, the factory boss said, 'Is your Mummy there?'
'Yes'
'May I talk to your Mummy?'
Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Needing to find someone to leave a message with, the frustrated boss said, 'Is anyone else around?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman .'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's house, the concerned boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and a fireman,' came the whispered answer.
The boss, now growing aware of a loud noise in the background, asked, urgently, 'What is that weird noise?'
'It's a helicopter,' answered the little voice.
'What's going on there today?' entreated the boss, now very worried.
Again whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'
Alarmed, and a little frustrated, the boss said, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME .'
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Boy George sentenced to fifteen months in jail =
Gay offender entices men in to get BJs in the loo!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Selma Hayek filmed breastfeeding in public =
Ideal femme cheekily lifts up bra and begins!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, February 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Professor Stephen William Hawking =
Know-all, whispering phrases of time.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2009:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Deaths rise in the bushfire conflagrations in Victoria, Australia. =
That evil arsonist has caused horrific burn fatalities in a region.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Voltaire: Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination =
Love is:
Bette Midler: "A rose."
Branson: "A Virgin."
Hefner: "A bunny."
Cad: "A duty I avoid, ami!"
LONG CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Terry checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of the girls he'd seen advertised in telephone booths when he'd phoned for cabs in the past.
He zipped into a phone booth near the hotel and spotted an ad for a kittenish girl who called herself Demelza; a quite beautiful temptress, bending over in the photo. Demelza had all the right curves in the right places, beautiful long, dark wavy hair; gorgeous, endless legs... well, you get the picture! He noted the number and hurried back to the hotel.
When back in the room Terry figured, 'what the hell, let's give her a call!'
'Hello,' the woman said. God, she sounded sexy!
'Hi, I hear you give great massages and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one... No, wait; let me be totally straight with you. I am in town alone and what I really desire is sex. I want it hard, and I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, kinky toys, leather straps, rubber cucumbers, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll get hot and steamy; tie me up, smear me with chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Be crazy all night. Whatever you want! How does that sound to you?'
She said, 'It sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '
=
As the No.9 bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, Yvonne soon became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up onto the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she apologised and shyly reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, hoping this would give her enough slack to lift her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she could not. No way.
So, even more embarrassed, she once again reached behind to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With an apologetic smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more but again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan guy who was standing behind her lifted her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
Yvonne went ballistic! She turned to the would-be Samaritan, yelling, 'How dare you touch my body? I don't even know you!'
The Texan smiled convivially and drawled, 'Well ma'am, I hear you, and normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
She married and had thirteen children. Her husband died.
She married again and had seven more children. Again, the husband died.
Then she remarried and this time had five more children. The husband died.
She finally died after having twenty-five children.
Standing by her coffin, the preacher prayed for her soul. He thanked the good Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they are finally together.'
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'
The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'
****
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
****
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Tommy cried all the way home in the car.
Tommy's mother asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the lad sobbed, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!'
****
A Sunday school teacher asked the children as they were on the way to a church service, 'So, why is it necessary for us to be quiet in church?'
One little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
****
A mother was preparing pancakes for her two young sons, Matt and Tommy.
The boys began to argue over who should get the first pancake. The mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have that first pancake, I can wait.'
Matt turned to his younger brother and said, 'Tommy, you be Jesus!'
****
=
The vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to offer thanks for prayers that had been answered.
A lady rose from the end bench and walked briskly to the church podium.
"Yes, me." she said, "I have a huge 'Thanks'. Three months ago, my dear husband, Harry, had a horrific bike crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The injuries were horrendous and the doctors didn't know if they'd be able to help him."
Everyone heard a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the horrible pain that Harry must have suffered.
"Harry was in agony, and unable to hug me or the children, as every move caused him terrible pain," she went on. "His disability was heartbreaking. We all prayed fervently as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the remains of Harry's barbarised scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Harry.
"Now," she finished, her voice quavering, Òmy husband is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his crushed scrotum should recover completely. I thank the Lord!"
All the men sighed with relief. The vicar rose and hesitantly asked if anybody else had anything they wished to say.
A man rose and hobbled gingerly to the podium. "Hi," he said, "I'm Harry."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Pissing man =
Missing pan!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
What is 'quantitative easing', if not a license for our banks to print money? =
G. Brown: "One fine Utopia!"
Kate Moss: "A thinner fit?"
A Ventriloquist: "I can't say."
LONG CATEGORY, March 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A tourist called in at an antiques shop whilst on holiday in Avignon, France.
"I want something a bit different to take home with me," he said.
The owner produced a skull.
"But that's only a skull," the customer protested.
"Oh no, monsieur," replied the owner. "That is the skull of Napoleon!"
The impressed customer bought it and left.
The following year the man returned to France and visited the shop again, searching for another rarity. He again requested something 'different'.
The owner produced a skull, claiming it to be that of Napoleon.
The customer protested, "But you sold me Napoleon's skull last year!"
The owner replied, "Ah yes, monsieur, but this one is when he was still a boy!"
=
A doctor telephoned a nearby plumber to complain that his toilet's cistern had developed a fault. "Are you serious?" answered the sulky plumber, "It's three o'clock in the morning! I was asleep!"
"So? Tough luck!" huffed the doctor, in a no-nonsense manner. "In my work, I often get called out to see referrals at all sorts of unusual hours, whether asleep or not. Equally, I now have a problem that I consider needs assessing quickly, so what has the time of day or night got to do with anything?"
Ten minutes later, the plumber turned up and was taken to the bathroom. He lifted the lid of the toilet, threw in two aspirins and flushed it.
"If it's no better in the morning, phone me again," he said.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A husband and wife are travelling by motorcar from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost 10 hours on the road, they're far too tired to continue and decide to stop for a rest.
They park outside a nice-looking hotel and book a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours or so and then get back on the road.
When they wake up and check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $450.
The man explodes and demands to know why the price is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it is a nice hotel, the price is outrageous. And, whilst admitting that the rooms are nice too, they're certainly not worth this ridiculous amount.
When the clerk tells him $450 is their standard rate, the man is insistent on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, then explains that the hotel boasts a proper Olympic-sized pool and big conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they were here, and you could've done,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain that they could have taken in one of their shows, for which the hotel was famous. 'The finest entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could've done,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity is mentioned, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The officious Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to him.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'I think you've slipped up sir,' he says, 'this cheque's only made out for $50.00.'
'No slip - that figure is correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could've done!'
=
Last Tuesday, we took some friends for a meal at a homely new restaurant called 'Mamma Mia's', and noticed that the waiter who took our order had a spoon in his shirt pocket, which seemed a tad strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back, I decided to challenge him. 'Hello! Why the spoon?' I said.
'Ah, well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Hallam Consultants to revamp all our procedures. And, after several months of analysis, they concluded that the one most frequently dropped utensil was the common spoon. It represents an average drop frequency of 4.00 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are more ably prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 14.50 man-hours every shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he immediately exchanged it for his spare. 'I'll get another one next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get one now,' he smiled cheerfully.
I also noticed that there seemed to be string hanging from his fly.
Gazing around, I saw that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I challenged him again. 'Can you please tell me why you have string ... there?'
'Ha ha; certainly,' he smiled. Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone's so observant! You see, the same consulting firm also learned that we can save time in the men's room. By tying the string to the end of our 'thingy', we can haul it out without touching it and remove the need to manually wash our hands, thus shortening the time spent in the men's room by 50.45%.
I asked quietly, 'Excuse me, but, after you get it out, how do you, ahem ... put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rembrandt - 'The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicolaes Tulp'. =
A lot of men sit enthralled by a rotund man's corpse!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Bronte sisters: Charlotte, Emily and Anne =
Eternal tales by the stoic Northern maidens.
LONG CATEGORY, April 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a few minutes, he calls to the waiter, "Hey man, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The room immediately goes silent.
In a very deep and husky voice, the young woman next to him says, "Because you are blind, I think it is only fair that you should know these five things before you commence that joke, cowboy:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a muscular blonde.
I am a six-foot tall, hundred and ninety-nine-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The lady sitting next to me here is a blonde and is a title-winning professional weightlifter.
The woman standing there to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about this seriously, cowboy; do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
=
A cowboy went into a Starbucks and ordered a coffee.
As he sat stirring his drink, a blonde sat on the stool next to him.
A bit later, she turned to him and asked, 'Are you really a cowboy?'
'Well,' he replied affably, 'all my working life I've been breakin' colts, herdin' steers, goin' off to hoss rodeos, fixin' fences, rearin' calves, doctorin' calves, balin' hay, fixin' flats, doin' jobs on tractors, shootin' the odd rabbit, feedin' my dogs, and battlin' the elements so, yes, I guess I'm really a cowboy.'
The blonde replied, 'I am a lesbian. I spend all day thinking about women. Soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think of women when I eat. Hell, it seems just about anything makes me think of women.'
After that, they both sat drinking in silence.
Later a young man sat on a stool next to the pair and said, 'Hey buddy, are you really a cowboy?'
'Hell, I'd always thought I was, 'he retorted, 'but I just found out I'm really a lesbian.'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a wealthy Chinese businessman and an Australian man were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must've been waiting twenty minutes at least.'
The Indian doctor added, 'Hmm... I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetent play!'
The Chinese businessman shouted out 'Move on, you men! Time's money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Oh; here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'George?' asked the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're somewhat slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper responded, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their eyesight saving our clubhouse from an inferno last year, so we let them play for nothing whenever they want to.'
The group fell silent for some moments.
Then the Catholic priest commented, 'That's just so very sad. I think I may have to say an extra-special prayer for those people tonight.'
The Indian doctor nodded and said, 'Yes, that's a very good idea. I intend to contact my ophthalmology colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them.'
The Chinese businessman added, 'I think I'll donate twenty-thousand dollars to the fire-fighters union, just to honour these unusually brave souls.'
The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'
=
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they arrive there, St. Peter says, 'We have just one official rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are millions of fluffy ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Sorry, but your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this horribly ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another, uglier, oaf of a man. He chains them together with the same admonition as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all of this and, not wishing to be chained for eternity to an ugly man, is religiously careful where she steps.
She manages to go for months without stepping on a duck. One day St. Peter comes to her with the finest man she has ever laid eyes on ... tall, muscular, handsome, green eyes, shiny fair hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
'Alleluia!' giggles the joyful woman. 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Katie Price and Peter Andre have now split up. =
It's OK - we prepared the pre-nuptial in advance!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The US author William Sydney Porter ~
used to write triumphally as O Henry.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, May 2009:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Virgin Atlantic Flying Without Fear Courses =
In one visit, we can at last cure your flight fright!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Sandro Botticelli's famous painting 'The Birth of Venus'. =
A prim, so-cute virgin stands in the buff (in a shell, to boot!)
LONG CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A SHORT LOVE STORY.
A man and woman who'd never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Although decidedly uneasy over having to share the compartment, they were both rather tired and dropped off to sleep quickly...
He was in the upper bunk and she was in the lower bunk.
Shortly after midnight, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, whispering, "Sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching into the bedside closet to get me a second blanket? I'm feeling rather cold."
"Oh, but I have a much better idea," she purred. "Just for this one night, let us pretend that we're married to each other."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he replied delightedly.
"Right," she said. "Find your own f***ing blanket."
After a brief silence, he farted.
THE END
=
A BEDTIME TEASER.
After twenty years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in a way he hadn't for some time.
He started to caress her hair and neck, then began to move down. He stroked her shoulders, then smoothly worked his way down over her breasts, stopping just by the lower abdomen area. He then placed a hand on her left arm, moved it titillatingly alongside her breast again, working down over her buttock, leg, calf and feet to the toes. Then, he proceeded to trail it up her inner leg, stopping at the top. He continued in a similar manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled back and started to watch the TV.
Having become quite aroused, the wife murmured amorously, 'Oh man, that was wonderful! But why did you stop?'
He replied, 'I found the remote'.
?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
AUSSIE RECRUIT'S LETTER HOME.
This is a text of a letter from an excited young army-recruit from Eromanga, to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum and Dad,
I'm very well. Hope youse are very well too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settlin in at first, because ya don't have to get outta bed until six in the mornin. But I like sleeping in now, coz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and polish ya boots and clean off ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin! Ya haz ta have a shower though, but I've decided it's not too bad, coz there's loadsa hot water and even a light so's ya can see what ya's doing!
At brekky ya get the choices of cereals, fruits and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like Mum makes. Ya don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the pansy city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - but, jeez it's only like strollin to the old windmill in the back paddock!
Oh, yeah - this one'll kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep gettin bloody medals for shootin - I dunno why.
~
They reckon I'm good as any top marksman! But the bullseye's as big as a possum's bum and it don't move away and it don't fire back like the Wallmans did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is just make yourself comfy, aim and hit the target. It's a piece of piss! Ya don't even load your cartridges, they come in little boxes, and ya don't have ta steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shootin' truck when ya reload!
Sometimes you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fightin with Doug and Phil and Monkey and Joe and Kenny and Wozza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer neither. Looks like I am the best we got in our platoon at the moment, and I've only been beat once, by some bloke from the Engineers squad - he's six-foot-four tall and weighs nineteen stone and he's three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only five-foot-five, and seven stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off, still punchin, to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the lads ta get in the queue quick before word gets around how bloody good it all is.
Well, gotta go now, Mum and Dad.
From your loving daughter,
Sheila
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Right Said Fred
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Piers Morgan.
Simon Cowell.
Amanda Holden =
Nerd on panel.
Megalomaniac.
Oh...Miss World!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ARSE-EMOTICONS:
(_!_) Any normal arse.
(_o_) Some arse that's been around.
(__!__) Oh my! This is one fat arse!
(!) A tight arse.
(_,_) A cute arse.
(_x_) Kiss my arse.
=
(_*_) A sore arse.
(_?_) A dumb-arse.
(_X_) No one enters into *this* arse!
{_!_} A shaky arse.
(_$_) Has money coming out of his arse.
(_E-mc2_) A smart-arse.
(_T_) T-slit? Aye!
LONG CATEGORY, June 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards two men playing the next hole.
Thwack! The ball hit one of the men, hard.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, then clattered down to the ground, where he writhed around in agony.
The woman quickly ran over to the man, and started to apologize. 'Please let me help.' She said. 'My job is a Physical Therapy Practitioner, and I know that I could relieve the pain somewhat, if you'd just let me.'
'It doesn't matter, I'll be just fine in a few minutes,' the man replied through gritted teeth; but it was quite obvious that he was in agony, lying in the foetal position, hands clutching his groin.
As a result of her persistence, however, he at last let her help. She gently took his hands away and placed them at his side, then unhitched his pants and put both her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several moments and then asked him, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'
=
An eighty-one-year old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm-count check as one part of his health assessment. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this home and bring along a semen sample tomorrow.'
Early the following day the man appeared again in the medic's office and returned the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day!
The doctor asked what had happened, and the ill-at-ease man replied, 'Well, it was like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried using my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her right hand, then her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth too, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still nothing.
'We even asked Millie from next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but it was still absolutely useless.'
The doctor was appalled. 'Oh, my God! You called out a female neighbour especially?'
The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Jack worked for the Post Office, and his job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in shaky writing to God, but with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an eighty-three-year-old widow, living on a small pension.
Yesterday somebody stole my purse. It had one hundred pounds in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. This Sunday, it's Christmas Day, and I have invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with and no family to turn to. You are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Mabel Gibbs
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers, and each one quickly dug into his, or her, wallet and came up with a few pounds.
By the time Jack made the rounds, he'd collected ninety-eight pounds, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a big, warm glow thinking of Mabel and the dinner she'd be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from Mabel to God. All the workers gathered around while Jack opened the letter.
It read:
Dear God,
I can't thank you enough for what you did for me! Because of your gift of love, I was able to cook a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends about your wonderful gift.
Sincerely, Mabel Gibbs.
PS: By the way, God, there was two-pounds missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
=
Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room of the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black Labrador turned to the chocolate Labrador and said, 'So, why are you here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
'So, what is the vet going to do?' said the first Labrador.
'Gonna cut my nuts off, I'm afraid,' came the despondent reply. 'They reckon it may calm me down. I'm devastated!'
'Yeah, that is sad,' said the black Labrador then turned to the yellow one and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees too! I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside my house, I dig up the carpet! But I went way over the line last Friday when I dug an enormous hole in my owner's new settee.'
'So what are they gonna do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', sniffed the dejected dog.
'How mean!' woofed the yellow Labrador, then turned to the black one and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Labrador said... 'I'd hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, a fluffy toy, the video, wooden fence-posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my woman owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just could not help myself. I hopped onto her back and started hammering away'
The yellow and chocolate Labradors exchanged sad glances; one of them said... 'So, is it nuts off for you too?'
The black Lab said...'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!!'
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The novels of the Bronte sisters: Charlotte, Emily and Anne =
Intense tales cast by three lovelorn maidens of the North.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Feargal and Murphy fancy a pint or two but don't have a lot of cash. Between them, they can only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy says 'Hold it! I've got a good idea!'
He goes next door to a butcher's shop and comes back out with one very large sausage.
Feargal exclaims, 'Are you mad? Now we don't have any cash at all!'
Murphy replies, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He goes into the pub where he orders two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Feargal says 'Now you've lost the plot. Do you know how much trouble we'll be in? We haven't got any cash!'
Murphy smiles. 'Don't worry, I've got a plan. Cheers! '
They down their drinks. Murphy says, 'Right, I'll stick the sausage through my flies and you go down on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman sees them, goes berserk, and throws them out into the street.
They continue to do this, pub after pub, getting drunker and drunker, all for free.
At the tenth pub Feargal declares, 'Gee, I don't think I can do this any more, Murphy. I am drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy says, 'How do you think I feel? I don't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
=
THE DANGERS OF DUCK HUNTING (NOT FUNNY!).
Benny Murphy was enjoying a fine morning on the marsh, hunting ducks, when he felt the urge to take a leak. He walked over to a nearby tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew up, knocked the gun over, and it went off...shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying flat on his back in a hospital bed, he was approached by a doctor.
'Well Mr Murphy,' murmured the medic, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that, thankfully, you're going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, and there was very minimal internal damage. Furthermore, we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'
'Oh, OK ...what's the bad news?' Murphy asked...
'The bad news, I'm sorry to say, is that there was some fairly extensive buckshot damage to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Polly.'
'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' murmured Murphy. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Uh... not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony orchestra and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
HER DIARY
Friday, Fifteenth February.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it could be that.
The bar was really crowded and noisy, so I suggested we find somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very detached and preoccupied so I said we should go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just wasn't himself; he rarely laughed and he did not seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He drove me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was anything the matter but he just shook his head and turned the television on.
Then, after about ten minutes of silence, I said that I was going off to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just sighed and gave a rather sad sort of smile. He did not follow me then, but later he came up, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a trifle cool, and I started to think that he might be going off me, and that perhaps he'd found someone else. Then I cried myself to sleep.
HIS DIARY
Friday, Fifteenth February.
Manchester United lost to Liverpool. Gutted. Got a shag though.
=
THE AUDITORY DILEMMA.
A man believed his wife wasn't hearing quite as well as she used to and thought she may need a hearing aid.
Not sure how to approach the subject, he called the family doctor to get his advice.
The doctor told him there was a simple test he could apply at home to give him (the GP) a better idea about judging the wife's hearing levels.
ÒWhat I suggest you do," said the medical man, "is stand about forty feet away, talk in a normal conversational tone, and the idea is to see if she hears you.
If not, go to about thirty feet, then twenty, and so on, in gradual stages, until you get a response."
That evening the wife was in the kitchen making dinner as usual, while the husband was in the study. He said to himself, "Right, I'm about forty feet away; let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he said, 'Mildred, what's for dinner?"
No reply.
So the husband moved a bit closer - about thirty feet, he judged - and said, "Mildred, what's for dinner?"
Still nothing.
He sidled into the dining room where he was about twenty feet from his spouse and asked, "Mildred, what's for dinner?"
Again, no reply.
He edged up to the kitchen door, just ten feet away...
"Mildred, what's for dinner?"
Still nothing.
He moved up behind her...
"Mildred, what's for dinner?"
"Goddammit, George!" She bellowed, "For the FIFTH frigging time ...CHICKEN!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, July 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A collection of Sherlock Holmes detective stories. =
Coveted crime classics tell of hooknose title-hero.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
More wildfires rage around Athens =
Flames worsen in dire drought area.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
California State =
Arnie fails to act.
LONG CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE TODAY.
The telephone rang and the lady of the house answered.
"Hi, can I speak to Mrs. Denver, please."
"Yes, speaking"
"Mrs. Denver, this is Doctor Jefferies at High Dudgeon County Hospital. We've got an unusual situation here. When your husband's doctor sent his blood sample to the laboratory last week, a sample from another Mr. Denver arrived also, and we are uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Denver asked uneasily.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's Disease and the other one tested positive for HIV. Unfortunately, we can't tell which one is which."
"Good grief! That is dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" queried Mrs.Denver.
"Normally we could do it again, but the National Health Service will only fund these expensive tests once."
"So, what am I supposed to do now?" she said.
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
=
NO MORE TOMORROWS
A solemn Stephen Stein returned one day from a visit to his doctor and told his wife, Cass, that the doctor had said he'd only twenty-four hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course, she said 'yes' and they made vibrant, passionate love.
Six hours later, Stephen approached her once more and said, 'Cass, I've only eighteen hours left now, maybe we could, well... make love again?'
Cass agreed and they made love.
Later, Stephen was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours left. He touched Cass's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Just one more time before I quit this life permanently?' She said yes, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Stephen, however, heard the solemn ticking of the clock, and tossed and turned until the time was down to only four hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
'Cass, I've only four hours left. Can we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Steve, I‰Ûªm not being funny, but...
... I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The House of the Rising Sun
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
COPY OF A LETTER FROM A GENTLEMAN IN MELBOURNE
AFTER RECEIVING A FINAL INCOME TAX DEMAND
Dear Sirs,
Your superheated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope with a five-penny stamp on it, and it would have given the boy and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us certain melancholy reflections of what has passed before.
You say you thought the account could've been settled long ago and you could not understand why it hadn't been. Well, here is the reason.
In nineteen-sixty-four I bought a sawmill on credit.
In nineteen-sixty-five I bought a team of horses, a timber wagon, two ponies, a terrier, a double shotgun and two razor-backed pigs, all on credit.
In nineteen-sixty-six the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not one solitary thing. One of the ponies died and I lent the other to some stupid bastard who starved the poor bugger to death. Then I joined the church.
In 'sixty-seven my father died and my brother was strung up for raping a pensioner. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard seventy quid to stop him becoming one of my relatives.
In 'sixty-eight my lad contracted mumps which spread to his balls and the poor boy had to be castrated to save his life. Later, we all went fishing and the rotten boat overturned, drowning two of my lads, neither being the castrated one.
In late 'sixty-nine my missus ran away with a sheep shearer and left me with twins as a souvenir. Then it was necessary to have a housekeeper, so I married her to keep my expenses down, but it was a hell of a job getting her pregnant.
I consulted the doctor and he advised me to create some sort of excitement at the crucial moment. So, that night I took my shotgun to bed with me and, at the time I guessed was right, I leaned out of bed and fired the gun through the window. As a result, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I'd shot my best cow.
In nineteen-seventy someone cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was really buggered, so I took to drink. I carried on until all I had left was my pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me very busy for some time.
After a year I took heart again and I bought a manure spreader, a reaper, a tractor and a car, all on credit as usual. The floods came and washed the bloody lot away. My wife caught VD from a travelling salesman and my boy died through wiping his arse on a possum skin that was infected. To cap it all some useless bastard mated my cow with a broken down old bull.
It surprises me to see in your missive that there will be trouble if I fail to pay up. Trouble! If you can think of anything I've missed, I'd love to know about it.
Sirs; trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a porcupine's pisser with a red hot needle.
I am praying that a shower of skunk shit will pass your way and I hope the centre of it is over you and the bunch of useless bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.
Yours for more credit.
CHRISTOPHER C. COLLCUTT
=
[Based on a genuine reply from the Inland Revenue, and added-to, amended and fumbled-with to make the anagram work!]
Dear Mr Babbing,
I am writing to express our thanks for your prompt reply to our last communication, and to answer some of the added points you raised. I will address them, as always, in order.
Firstly, Mr Babbing, we must take issue with your description of our last as a "damned begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, here at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
And secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst we have not seen the other letters to which you refer we would prudently suggest that their being from "pauper councils, pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "stuff them next to the toilet in case of emergency" is, at best, a tad ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it's unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, indeed, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a human citizen of Great Britain, with an added responsibility to contribute to the safe upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be a whit of truth in your adamant assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary reckoning ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. And the estimates you provided for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst inventive, are, in fairness, a bit off the mark. Less than you imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is distributed to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
And, a couple of added technical points in answer to direct queries:
1.The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" instead of "Mr Babbing" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system:
2.You can be assured that "sucking the very marrow from those with nothing left to give" has never been deemed normal practice because, even if the Personal Tax Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
We hope this has helped and, in the meantime (whilst we would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, Mr Babbing) we ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole frigging jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
ABDUL Z. WADDA- AL- NAWAB.
Head Manager, Customer Relations.
(Bad Debt Dept).
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Disney cartoon version of 'The Little Mermaid'. =
Movie title for one animated children's story.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"I don't look like Halle Berry, but one day she sure as hell will look like me." (Whoopi Goldberg) =
Well, I like her! I like Goldberg's outlook - to keep humble and ballsy. So rare in Hollywood, eh?
LONG CATEGORY, September 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two men are sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, "Hearing your accent, do I detect that you are from Ireland."
"I am indeed!" concedes the second man.
"So am I!" exclaims the first man. "And just where in Ireland might ye come from?"
The other replies, "I come from Dublin."
The first man cries, "Me too! Ah, 'tis a small world! What street did ye live in?"
"I lived in a place called McCleary Street, off the old central area of the city."
"Amazing! So did I! And what school would ye have gone to, by chance'?"
"St. Mary's of course."
"As did I!" cries the first man. "And when did ye graduate?"
"Well, no lie; I graduated back in nineteen-eighty-eight."
"I can hardly believe we've each chanced to be sat in the same bar tonight," chuckles the first man. "Can ye believe that I myself, Feargel, graduated from St. Mary's that same year! Ah, the good Lord is smiling down happily upon us."
At the same time, another man walks up to the bar to order a beer.
The publican walks over shaking his head and huffs, "It's gonna be a long night tonight."
"Why?" asks the customer.
"The Clancy twins are pissed again."
=
A chicken farmer called into his local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of their best champagne.
The woman perked up on hearing this, and she said, 'Hey, how about that? I've just ordered a glass of their best champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer said, 'The truth of the matter is, it's a very special day for me, so I'm celebrating.'
'That sure is interesting!" exclaimed the woman. "This is a special day for me too; so I'm also celebrating!'
'Isn't that an unusual coincidence?!' retorted the man. As they clinked their glasses together, the farmer asked her, 'So, what is it that you're celebrating? '
'Well, my husband and I have been trying to have a child for a very long time, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'Well, that's another coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my usual hens have been infertile but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'Wow, that's great!' said the woman. 'So... how did your chickens eventually become fertile?'
'Oh, I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'Hmm, what a coincidence...'
GENERAL CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Racial tolerance =
Alliance creator.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Walt Disney's new feature film, 'A Christmas Carol' =
Classic treat! Awful miser, now freshly animated.!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, October 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
US balloon mother admits it was a con. =
A helium antic blows a son to stardom!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, October 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The late children's author Hans Christian Andersen =
Ah, his rated stories enrich, enthrall and enchant us!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Walt Disney's 'Pinocchio' was a feature-film and a cartoon. =
A classic story, and what a wonderful piece of animation!
LONG CATEGORY, October 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Married Irishman James O'Malley went into the confessional and said to his Catholic priest, 'I've nearly had an affair with another woman.'
His priest said, 'What do you mean, nearly?'
O'Malley said, 'Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed together, but then we stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together's the same as putting it in. You're not to see this woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put Û50 in the church poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly dashed over to him saying, 'Hey, one moment! You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yes, but I rubbed the Û50 on it, and according to you, that's the same as puttin' it in!'
=
Seamus Muldoon lived on his own in the Irish countryside with his pet setter, Bobby, as his only companion.
One day Bobby died, so Muldoon went to his priest and inquired, 'Father, my dog has expired. Would ya be sayin' a Mass on Sunday for the poor creature?'
'No, I am afraid I won't,' tutted Father Patrick irritably. 'We cannot have a Mass in the church for an expired animal; but there is that Baptists' union down the lane, and there's no sayin' what nonsense those people believe in. I suppose they may organise something appropriate for the animal.'
Muldoon said, 'That's great! I'll go there right away, Father. I have Û5,500 on me. Do ya think that's enough to donate to them for puttin' on the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Catholic?'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2009:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE DISOBEDIENT WIFE.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car, and says, 'I clocked you exceeding the speed limit at ninety miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Hell, officer I had it on cruise control at sixty, perhaps that radar gun needs calibrating?'
Not looking up from her knitting the man's wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know this car does not have cruise control.'
As the officer is writing out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and hisses, 'Martha, can you please keep that big mouth shut for a change?'
The wife smiles demurely and replies, 'And you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glares at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, why don't you just keep your stupid mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'Oh yes, and I notice that you are not wearing your seat belt, sir. That is an automatic seventy-five pound fine.'
The man says, 'Oh... well, see officer, I had it on, but I had to take it off when you pulled me over so I could get my licence out of my wallet.'
The wife says, 'Now, now dear, we both know full well that you definitely didn't have the seat belt on. And, indeed, you never wear it when you're driving.'
Then, while the police officer is writing out the third ticket the man turns to his wife again and barks, 'OH, HELL, MARTHA! WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!?'
The officer looks at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, madam?'
'Only when he's pissed.'
=
THE OBEDIENT WIFE.
There was a successful man, who'd worked all his life, saved up lots of cash, and was really miserly when it came to money.
Just before he died, he told his servile wife, "After I've gone, I want you to go and round up all my money, and put it in the coffin with my body so I can take it to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise with all her heart, that after he died, she would definitely not forget to put the money in the coffin. "I won't," she assured him.
Soon afterwards, he passed away.
The day before the funeral, he lay stretched out, lifeless, in a velvet-lined coffin. His sorrowful wife sat nearby - dressed in black - with her trusty friend, Katy, sitting next to her. When they'd paid their respects, and the funeral undertakers were getting ready to close the coffin, the wife said, "Sorry... could you wait for just a minute?"
She produced a small wooden box, which she carried over and put in the casket. Then the undertakers' assistants locked the coffin and rolled it away.
"My goodness, Ursula!" her friend said, "Surely you weren't foolish enough to put all of that money in with your husband's body?"
Ursula replied, "Look, Katy, you know I'm not an unscrupulous person, I'm a good, giving Christian; I couldn't go back on my word. I promised that I was going to put the money in the casket with him."
"Sorry... you mean to tell me you've actually put the cash in the casket?" said Katy.
"I have," said the wife. "I got it all together as asked, put it into my bank account, and wrote him a check... If he can cash it, then he can have it."
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rembrandt's 'The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicolaes Tulp'. =
A lot of minor students enthralled by a man's corpse!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The American film star Leonardo DiCaprio =
Hailed as cool performer in Titanic drama.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Visiting Caesar's Palace ~
is a practice in Las Vegas.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
(Old friends, sat side by side):
"My wife said, 'What are you doing today, Gus?'
"I said, 'Nothin'.' =
"So my wife said, 'Dear God! But you also did nothing yesterday!'
"I said, 'I wasn't finished'."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, November 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Eighteenth World Puzzle Championship in Antalya, Turkey =
Hint: Charming yet zany people plan their Sudoku with zeal!
LONG CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for well over a year. On her return, her Father scolded her. 'Well Colleen? Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even one line? And why didn't ye call? Can't ye understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a... Miami prostitute...'
'What!!?' he bellowed. 'Get out of here, ye shameless sinning harlot! You're a disgrace to this good old Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this highly expensive fur coat, and these deeds to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus an eight-million-dollar savings certificate. Also, I've got me little brother Ian this gold Rolex. And for you Daddy, I got the sparkling new Porsche limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the Queens Country Club... (takes a quick breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me yacht in St Tropez and...'
'Now what was it ye said that ye had become?' said the dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, father.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a big hug.'
=
CHARLES AND CAMILLA'S WEDDING NIGHT.
Camilla had bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding day, but they got increasingly tighter as the day wore on.
That night after the festivities were finished, and she and Charles had retired back to their room, Camilla flopped onto the bed and said, 'Would you please remove my shoes darling. One's feet are just killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales seized her right shoe and started to attack it with vigour but, despite his efforts, it just wouldn't budge.
'Harder!' yelled Camilla. 'Harder!'
Charles yelled back, 'Yes, my darling, I'm trying! But, you see, it's so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it your all!' she cried out, even louder.
When it was finally off, Charles uttered a loud groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Yes! Yes! That feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Philip and said stiffly, 'You see - I told you she must be a virgin, with a face like that!'
Meantime, back in the other bedroom, a perspiring Charles was trying to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh my god, this one's an even tighter fit!'
At that point, Prince Philip turned to the Queen and said, 'That's my boy: Once a navy man, always a navy man!'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Vincent
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2009:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A woman brought her very limp-looking pet duck Jojo into her local veterinary surgery. As she placed her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened very carefully to the bird's chest.
After a minute or two, the veterinary surgeon shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your duck has passed away."
The distraught woman wailed, "Oh, no, not my poor Jojo! How sure are you?"
"How sure am I? I am very sure. The duck is definitely dead," replied the vet.
"Ah, but how can you be so certain?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He may just be snoozing or in a deep coma or something."
The surgeon rolled his eyes as he turned and left the room.
He came back a few minutes later with a brown Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with very gloomy eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a ginger cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to webbed-feet. Then the cat sat back on his haunches, shook his head, meowed and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and sighed, "Well, I am sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a deceased duck."
He went to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he gave to the woman.
The bird's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "Good heavens! $1500.00?" she gasped, "$1500.00 just to tell me my poor Jojo has died?"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $50.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500.00."
=
A man was walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker caught his eye.
He struck up a conversation and eventually asked, 'How much do you charge?'
The hooker replied, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
'$500 dollars?!' spluttered the man. 'Hell, no hand-job's worth that kind of money!'
The hooker said, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see that Denny's a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' added the hooker, smiling, 'I own them. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
The man said, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'
They retired to a motel.
A short time later, slumped on the bed, the man admitted that he'd just had the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every cent of $500. He was so amazed, he said, 'I suppose a blow-job's $1,000?'
The hooker replied, '$1,500.'
'That's daft! I'd never pay that for a blow-job.'
The hooker murmured, 'Step over to the window, buddy.'
'See that casino across the street? I own it outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The man, still basking in the memory of that terrific hand-job, decided to put off the tempting new car for a further year, and said, 'Ok, dammit, I'm up for it!'
Ten minutes later, he sat on the bed more amazed than before. He could scarcely believe it but, he concurred that he'd truly got his money's worth.
He decided to dip into the retirement savings for just one more unforgettable experience. He asked the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?'
The hooker replied, 'Come over here, there's something I want you to see.
'D'you see Las Vegas laid out before us? All those vivid lights, splendid gambling palaces, and lustrous show places?'
'Dammit!' the man said, in awe, 'You own the whole goddamn city?'
No,' the hooker replied, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
LONG CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
WOULD YOU REMARRY?
A husband and his wife are settled in bed reading, when the wife glances over at him and asks him the eternal question....
WIFE: "Pete; what would you do if I were to die? Would you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "What? Absolutely not, Cathy!"
WIFE: "How come? Don't you enjoy being married?"
HUSBAND: "Well... yes. Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Sheesh! Well... all right, yes, maybe I would then."
WIFE: "You would?" (with hurt expression).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in this house?"
HUSBAND: "Well, yes, I suppose so; it's a great house."
~
WIFE: "Would you sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Maybe - it is nearly new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my photos with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like a natural thing to do... ooh, this is quite an interrogation!"
WIFE: "Yeah. Sorry. I am an idiot! But... would you give her my rare jewelry too?"
HUSBAND: "No, I am sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, they are always extra-good times."
WIFE: "And would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2009:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Tiger - William Blake
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I'd just come from a really rousing choir performance, followed by the most memorable prayer meeting. So, I bought a sticker and put it on my bumper.
Mamma mia! Am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience followed next!
I was stopped at a red light at this busy intersection, momentarily lost in thought about the Lord and how great He is, and didn't see that the lights had changed.
It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if that man hadn't honked, I wouldn't have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the man behind started honking like crazy, and then leant out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God, woman, go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida amongst them all because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my grandson (your cousin Norman) in the back seat what that meant. Norman said it was probably some Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the sign right back!
Norman burst out laughing. Yes, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the glory of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I went to, but that's when I saw the lights had changed. So I waved at all my brothers and sisters and, grinning, drove on across the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car to get through the intersection before the lights changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we'd shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove off.
Praise our Lord for such wonderful folks!
Will write again soon,
Love from,
Grandmomma.
=
IDIOTS? NO; MEN ARE JUST JOLLIER!
IDIOTIC NICKNAMES
If Viv, Kathy and Vicki go out for lunch, they will call each other Viv, Kathy and Vicki.
If Dick, David and John go out, they will jokily refer to each other as, Earwigo, Coyotebreath and Testicle.
EATING OUT/DIVIDING
When the bill arrives, Dick, David and John will readily throw in twenty dollars each, even though it is only for thirty-three dollars eighty. None of them will have anything smaller and will avoid admitting they want change back.
When the girls receive their bill, out come the pocket calculators and it is divided exactly.
MONEY
A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item that he needs.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she does not need but it's on sale.
BATHROOM IDEOLOGY
A man has six things in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving gel, a good razor, soap, and a towel.
The number of things in the average woman's bathroom is about three hundred and thirty-eight. A guy would not be able to identify more than twenty of these.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is adjudged to be the start of a new argument.
THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
GETTING MARRIED
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will get dressed up to go shopping, give the plants a watering, empty the trash, cook, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A guy will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.
LOOKING GOOD OVERNIGHT
Men wake up looking just as good as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
CHILDREN
Ah, the joy of children! A woman is dedicated to, and knows all about, her children. She knows about their dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes, ideas and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
FAULTFINDING - THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing!
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2009:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Anguish of external haemorrhoids =
A sore horde hung from his anal-exit!
LONG CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie', with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out to the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed out of the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'It looks like the Dixons are having company!'
'Gee! Freddie Dryden is riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Woodwards are moving!'
'Trevor Dowie is riding on his skateboard!
After a few moments he called out, 'The Williams' are screwing!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out 'Er... How do you know?'
'Davey Williams is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'
=
ANNOYING COMPUTER FAULT.
I was having major problems communicating with my computer. So I rang Ashley Hunt, the ten-year-old boy next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him if he'd come over to help.
Ashley duly arrived, clicked on a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I asked him, 'So, what was wrong then, Ash?'
He replied, 'It was a basic ID ten T error, that's all.'
I didn't want to appear daft, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I have to go back to it again.'
Ashley grinned.... 'Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think maybe you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Ashley, the smartass little bastard.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The doctor entered the wardroom and said 'Ah, hello Roger, I'm glad you have regained consciousness. You probably don't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a nasty crash on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything seems fine, but I'm afraid there's some rather bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can...
Your willy was chopped off in the crash and we weren't able to find it.'
Roger groaned (as he would!) and the doctor went on, 'We've just checked your health insurance and found that you actually have nine-thousand pounds compensation due, and the good news is that we have the technology to build you a new willy that'll work just as well as the old one, if not better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's one thousand pounds per inch.'
Roger perked up a little at this (as he would!)
'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor said, "you just need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch willy before and decide to opt for a nine inch one now, she might be somewhat alarmed. However, if you had a nine-incher before and decide to opt for a five-incher now, she might be a little bit, well... disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help make the right decision.'
So Roger agreed that he'd talk with his wife.
The doctor returned the next day. 'Well, Roger?' he asked, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' replied Roger.
'And has she helped you to decide?'
'She has,' he nodded.
'And what's the decision?' asked the doctor.
'We're having a new kitchen.'
=
A VERY SPOOKY CAR
This story happened a good while ago in Ireland. It may seem fictitious yet, allegedly, it is true.
John, a Dublin City University student, was out by the side of a gloomy country road hitchhiking on a dark night, in the middle of a vicious storm. It was so bad he could only see a few feet ahead.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come towards him... and stop. Desperate for a shelter and without consciously thinking about it, John climbed into the car and closed the door.... only to see it was unoccupied. Nobody was behind the wheel... and the engine wasn't running!
As the car slowly commenced moving again, he peered at the wet road ahead and saw a curve looming up. He started to worry for his life but... as the car was about to meet the curve, a disembodied hand came out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
Paralysed with fear, he continued to watch the eerie hand, yet it never touched or tried to hurt him.
Soon, he saw the lights of a pub in the distance, so, summoning up his courage, he hastily dived out of the car and ran for his life.
Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started to tell everybody about his awful experience.
A deep silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and was not drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like him, were also soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John weeping by the bar, one said to the other. 'Look ye there, McCoy. See? It's that fookin' idiot who got in our car while we were pushing it!
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Ha! Scientists formally claim the G-spot doesn't exist! =
It's a sex-myth. So, let's go find that clitoris's place, men!
GENERAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The melting polar ice caps =
Climate change's top peril.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, February 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
English Collective of Prostitutes. =
Sect to help lots of vice girls unite.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Two elderly widows, Sue and Eve, are on the back porch talking about life.
SUE: "Do you still get, uh... horny, Eve?"
EVE: "Oh I sure do, Sue!" =
SUE: "What d'you generally, er... do about it?"
EVE: "Do? Well, I suck the odd lifesaver."
SUE (looking pensive): "Er... who runs you to the beach?"
LONG CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An Irishman was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptising people in a river.
He took his boots off and started to wade into the water, where he subsequently bumped into the preacher...
The preacher turned round and was almost overcome by the strong smell of alcohol. 'Well now,' he said to the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk gabbled, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabbed him and dunked him down under the water.
He pulled him up and asked, 'Well, Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk retorted, 'No, oi have not found Jesus.'
The preacher, foxed by the answer, plunged him back into the water again for a little longer.
He pulled him out of the water again and asked, 'Right! Have you found Jesus now, my Brother?'
The drunk again answered, 'No, oi I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the baffled preacher was getting at his wits end, so he thrust him in the water again, but this time held him down for about 30 seconds, until he began thrashing his arms and legs, then dragged him up.
The preacher again asked, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk blinked his eyes, caught his breath and said to the preacher...
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
=
A woman went to a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that its animals were all very expensive. She told the clerk she just needed to purchase a pet, but she didn't want to spend a huge fortune.
'Well,' murmured the clerk, 'I have a large bullfrog. And I hear it has been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Huh? Blow jobs!' replied the surprised woman.
'Supposedly. It hasn't been verified but we have sold 30 of them here this month,' the clerk said.
The woman thought it would be a hilarious present to get as a joke! And what if it were indeed true...? Eureka! No more dreary BJs for her! She hurriedly made the purchase.
When she revealed the frog's unusual talent to her husband, he was highly amused. 'Yeah, right!' he laughed. The woman went to bed cheerful, thinking she may never need to perform this humdrum act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the clamour of pots and pans making banging and crashing sounds downstairs. She jumped up and hurried down to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookery books.
'What on earth are you doing up at this hour?' she enquired...
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook...you're gone.'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GODFATHER OF GREEK PHILOSOPHY.
Keep this philosophy in mind every time you hear, or are about to spread a rumour.
Back in ancient Greece, Socrates was widely known and lauded for his wisdom. One day the acclaimed philosopher chanced upon an acquaintance, who dashed up to him excitedly and announced, "Hey, Socrates! Do you know what I have just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to take a small test. It's called the Test of Three."
"The Test of Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before talking of my student let us take a moment to test what you are going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made sure that what you are going to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "in fact, I have only just heard about it."
"Right then," added Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. And now let's try the second test; the Test of Goodness. Is what you are going to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"All right," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you don't know for certain that it's true?"
The man looked down awkwardly, and it was obvious that he was growing very embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there's a third and final test, named the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, I think, probably not..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to relate is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, then why tell me at all?"
The man was now deflated and ashamed, and he said no more.
And this is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
=
RIOTOUS TIMES!
A Louisianian rancher passed away and left his estate and possessions to his spouse. The spouse, an extremely attractive woman, was eager to keep the successful ranch going but knew little about such matters, so she put out a classified ad for a ranch-labourer to assist her.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One, Matt, was gay and the other, Russ, a drunk. The woman thought about it at length and, as no one else applied, settled on Matt, the gay guy, assuming it would be safer to have him around the house than Russ the lush.
Matt proved to be a loyal, courteous employee who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranch duties too. For weeks, the two of them toiled industriously together, and the ranch progressed well.
One day, the widow said to Matt, 'You've done a really excellent job, and the ranch is a great success. You should go out on the town and treat yourself to a seriously riotous time!' she laughed.
Matt eagerly agreed and went into town that Saturday night.
One o'clock came and Matt had not returned. Two o'clock came and he'd still not returned. Eventually, he came in at around two-thirty. On entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting on the settee with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She stood up and quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Hands trembling, Matt did as she said.
'Now take off my boots.'
Slowly, he did as she said.
'Now my stockings.'
He cautiously removed each and put them on the carpet.
'Now take off my skirt.'
Reticently, Matt unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
'Now take off my bra.'
He obeyed, letting let it drop to the floor.
Then she looked him in the eye and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
RUDE CATEGORY, February 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A surefire constipation remedy =
I insert dynamite up core of arse!
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder =
We embark and ache for togetherness.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Darwin's 'On the Origin of Species' ~
showed certain life-progression chains.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Bill Gates is no longer the world's richest man =
The Carlos Slim billions negate nerd's growth.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
International Prostitutes Collective =
Tarts in union all vote to elicit respect.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, March 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The first line of 'Cherry Stones' by Winnie The Pooh author, A.A. Milne: "Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief." =
A noble wife has many roles. Use them!
Loyal partner in marriage.
Port I go to, if in a storm.
Chef in kitchen
Harlot in bed.
Oh... shirt-ironer!
LONG CATEGORY, March 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A guy was having a drink in the bar of the departures lounge at a busy airport, when a beautiful young woman walked in and sat on a chair near to his.
Because she was in uniform, he thought that she was possibly an off-duty flight hostess so he decided to have a crack at picking her up by identifying the airline she worked for, hoping this might just impress her.
He looked across to her and recited the Delta Airlines slogan, "We love to fly and it shows."
The woman just looked at him curiously.
He sat back to reconsider, then he leaned forward again and delivered the Air France slogan: "Winning the hearts of the world."
Again she just stared at him with a rather puzzled look on her face.
Still undeterred, he had another go, this time quoting the Malaysian Airlines slogan: "Going beyond expectations."
The woman looked at him harshly and replied, "Huh? Just what the f**k are you talking about?"
"Ah!" he said, with a knowing smile on his face."Ryan Air."
=
A burglar broke into an apartment one night. As he was shining his flashlight around, checking for the usual valuables, a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
Nearly leaping out of his skin, he clicked his flashlight off and froze, waiting in anticipation. When he heard nothing, he shook his head then continued.
As he started to grab the digital TV, he again heard it, clear as a bell... "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone the light around frantically, seeking the owner of that odd voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot gazing at him. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the bird.
"Yes, I did," the parrot squawked, "I was just trying to warn you that he's watching you."
The man relaxed. "Warn me? And who on earth are you, anyway?"
"Moses," answered the bird.
"Moses?" laughed the burglar in disdain. "What kind of sick people would name a parrot Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Alone - Edgar Allan Poe
RUDE CATEGORY, March 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The female reproductive system =
Hey! Sperm detects a fertile ovum!
GENERAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
They're bad news =
Debts anywhere.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, April 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Susan Magdalane Boyle =
Sadly, so unmanageable.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Man to girlfriend: "I've got a full set of three Olympic condoms, and I shall wear the gold one first. Chances are, you're ~ in for a hit, gold-medalist performance!"
Girl (frostily): "Tell you what, use the silver one and come second for a change."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
"But Guy's heart slept under the violets on Muriel's grave." (from Edith Wharton's "April Showers") =
Peter vows undying love
To merit Ella's trust,
Then he dumps her for Iris
(Who has a larger bust).
LONG CATEGORY, April 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Who says the Chinese don't have a sense of humour?
Two British businessmen were sitting down for a break in their shortly-to-be opened shop. As yet though, the shop wasn't properly ready - it had no stock and only one shelf had been put up.
One man said to the other, 'I'll just bet that any minute, some damned idiotic tourist is going to come by, stick his face through that door, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner had the words left his mouth than, as predicted, a curious Chinese tourist peered in through the open door. In a thick Chinese accent, he asked, 'So, what you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without missing a beat, the Chinaman said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'
=
Three dead bodies turned up at a mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The Coroner called the police to inform them what had happened.
The Coroner told the Inspector: 'First body: Angelo Elana, a stereotype Italian, died of heart failure while with his new mistress. Hence, as you see, the enormous smile.'
'Second body: Angus Jackson. Scottish, won twenty-two thousand pounds on the National Lottery but wasted it on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning; hence the insane smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'How about the third body?'
'The most unusual one of all,' said the Coroner: Seamus O'Shaugnessy, Irish, struck by lightning.'
'So, why's he smiling?' asked the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his photo taken!'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Subject: HELL
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A sniffer dog =
Finder of gas.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The teary young woman - who was relating the details of her accident to the police - assured them that she was not speeding.
=
"What gear were you in, then?" said the state cops.
"Chartreuse hat, faded-lemon two-piece, mint shoes, tights and a yellow thong."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, May 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Corporal Clegg had a medal too
In orange, red and blue
He found it in the zoo
Corporal Clegg received his medal in a dream
From her Majesty the Queen
His boots were very clean
(Pink Floyd) =
Nick Clegg, he had a large role-medal,
Of Tory blue and Lib-Dem yellow;
In his quotes, he had engraved:
'DEPUTY TO CAMERON (DAVE)'
As people groan, "Oh, Jeez! Horrific!"
Cameron nods, "Erm... not terrific."
LONG CATEGORY, May 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Here's something to ponder.
I recently appointed a new primary healthcare consultant.
After two sessions of exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'quite well' for my age. (I'd recently turned 60). A tad concerned about that pronouncement, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I shall live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Well, do you smoke? Or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'And I don't usually do drugs either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat beef sausages, rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... My former medic said that all red meat is
unhealthy!'
'Do you perhaps spend far too much time in the sun playing golf, tennis, cycling or running?
'No, never.'
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a penchant for wild sex?'
'Ha! No!' I laughed.
He looked at me and sighedÉ 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
=
A sixty-year-old man suffered a heart attack and had to undergo multiple bypass surgeryÉ
He awoke from surgery to find himself domiciled at the elite Cabrini Catholic Hospital under the care of the good nuns.
As he was recovering, a nun asked various questions about how he was going to pay the $6800 bill owed for his treatment. She asked if he'd got medical insurance.
He replied, in a gritty voice, 'No medical insurance.'
The good nun asked if he'd got any money in the bank.
'No money in the bank,' he declared.
She asked, 'Do you have relatives who could possibly help out?'
He said, 'I've only got my spinster sister, who's a nun.'
The nun became vexed and declared loudly, 'You're misguided! Nuns are not spinsters - nuns are married to God!'
The patient replied, 'Ok... Send the bill to my Brother-in-Law.'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rainy Days and Mondays
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Clarkson and his pal Sam decided to go skiing, so they loaded up Charles's van and headed north.
After travelling for some hours, they got caught in a bad snowstorm, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could shelter there for the night.
'I realise that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she said. 'The neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Oh, don't worry,' Charles said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather clears up, we'll be gone in the morning.'
The lady agreed. The men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and the men headed off to enjoy an excellent weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Charles got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally decided it must be from the lawyer of the attractive widow he'd met on the skiing trip.
He dropped in on Sam and asked, 'Do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing trip up north about nine months ago?'
'Yes, I do,' replied Sam.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well... yes,' Sam said, a bit embarrassed at being found out. 'I have to admit, I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?'
Sam's face turned as red as a beetroot. 'Yes, I'm sorry Charles; I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
=
TEODORO, THE MIDDLE-AGED LOTHARIO.
Teodoro, a middle-aged but reputedly virile Italian gentleman, was having a drink at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde woman.
They chatted for a while and things duly progressed to the point where he took her back to his apartment. After more drinks and witty chat on his part, they retired to the bedroom, where he rattled her senseless...
After their joyful activity, he asked with a happy smile, 'So, you finish, yes?'
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Somewhat deflated, but keen to live up to his mighty reputation, Teodoro reached for her and they resumed their intimacy. This time they made love with added voracity and there were howls of wild passion. The furious sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, 'You finish, yes?'
After a short pause, the woman returned his smile, cuddled up closer to him and softly murmured, 'No.'
Mamma mia! Stunned, but determined not to leave this magnificent woman unsatisfied, Teodoro reached for her yet again. Summoning up the very last of his strength, he was barely able to get through it, but they finally ended together screaming joyfully, bucking, clawing and ripping at the bed sheets. Wow, dynamite!
The exhausted Teodoro fell onto his back, groggy and gasping. Barely able to turn his head toward her, he looked into the woman's eyes, smiled and asked, 'You finish?'
Hardly able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered, 'No, I Norwegian.'
RUDE CATEGORY, May 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The honeymoon virgin =
Oi! No hymen overnight!
GENERAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Don't eat cereals that change the colour of the milk =
Chocolate Corn Flakes that delight me are out then?
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, June 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sandro Botticelli's painting 'Primavera'. =
Vibrant art! Spring made poetical in oils.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, June 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The helpful 'Catseyes' were invented by P. Shaw. The idea hit him when, driving home along a dark, foggy lane, he saw a lone cat, its ~
eyes aglow in the headlights. A gift!
So... say the cat'd been walking away from him? Would he have invented the pencil sharpener?
LONG CATEGORY, June 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A fourteen-year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time.
They found they were perplexed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Oh, Father! What do you think this is?"
His father (hitherto, never having seen an elevator) replied, "Ah, I have never beheld anything like it in my life;" He scratched his beard, paused, then he added, "Good son, I fear I do not know what this is."
While the awestruck boy and his befuddled father were watching, a fat old lady waddled up and pressed a button. In a while, the walls opened, and she headed through them into a small room. Suddenly, the walls slid shut again, and the boy and his father watched as the outer numbers above lit up sequentially. They continued to watch as it reached the highest number, and then the digits began to light up in the reverse order.
Suddenly, the walls whooshed open again and a gorgeous 18-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, whispered quietly to his son...
"Jethro, go get your mother."
=
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
One morning, the girl asked if she could take a bath. The wife told her they didn't have a proper bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire...
"Monday night's best, when my husband plays darts," she said. So the girl agreed to take a bath the following Monday....
After the man had gone to the pub to play darts, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl stripped off. She was quite surprised to note that the girl didn't have any pubic hair, and she told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, as the girl was getting undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Have you got any?"
"Why, yes," replied the woman, and displayed her hairy thatch.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife enquired, "Well? Did you see it?"
"Yes," he replied, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE GOLFING NUN
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a heavy sigh.
'What troubles you, Sister Cecelia?' asked the Mother Superior... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It is,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Jesus.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior concurred. 'So, I take it your day of joyous recreation was not relaxing?'
'Joyous? Far from it,' groaned the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness me!' gasped the Mother Superior. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the eighth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother... a five-hundred-and-forty-yard par-five, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I chose ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that did not make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it! While I'm still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel jumps out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that could make me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.
'But I did not, Mother!' cried the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I'm pondering whether it's a sign from God, a hawk swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So, that is when you cursed,' said the other with a knowing smile.
'No, that wasn't it either,' she cried, 'because, as the hawk was flying out of sight, the squirrel began to struggle and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball pinged out of his paws and rolled to about eighteen inches from the hole!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ....
'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'
=
THE GOLFING ASSASSIN.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at their local golf course when a man carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're very welcome.' So, with that, they started playing and they enjoyed the game, as well as the stranger's company.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'Well, I'm a... professional hit man. I carry out assassinations,' was the somewhat embarrassed reply.
'What? You are kidding, right?' they responded, flabbergasted.
'No, I'm not,' he said, delving into his golf bag, and pulling out an impressive sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'And to prove it, this is my equipment.'
'Wow, that's a beautiful telescopic sight,' whistled the other friend. 'Mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to spot my house from here.'
He picked up the rifle and looked westwards through the sight, towards the direction of his house.
'Yep, I can see my house all right. Wow, this sight's terrific! I can view right in through the windows. And there's my wife in the front bedroom...! I can see that she's stark naked... W'wait a minute,' he stuttered, 'that's my neighbour in there with her... Lord! He's undressed as well!' He turned to the hit man, 'Right,' he huffed, 'that's it! How much would you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a standard flat rate for you - a thousand dollars, plus tax, every time I pull the trigger.'
'Will you liquidate both of them for me right now?'
'Ok,' he nodded, 'what are your requirements?'
'First, shoot my wife. She's always been a bigmouth, so take her square in the mouth. Then, that sex-mad neighbour who's supposed to be my friend - shoot his worthless dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man nodded, 'I understand'. He lifted the rifle, composed himself, then started to take aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Well? Are you going to do it or not?' asked the frustrated friend.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I may be able to save you a grand here...'
GENERAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Doleful evening ~
feeling unloved.
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Snooker player Alex 'Hurricane' Higgins dies =
As a sorry, hellraising king, he expired on cue.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Egyptian Pyramids =
A head-tipping mystery!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Help! I just heard that movie star George Clooney will be cast in a ~
major pic about Gary Glitter! One wit has called it, 'Oh, She's Eleven'.
LONG CATEGORY, July 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A husband wrote the following letter to his wife and left it on the dining room table:
'To My Dearest Wife,
I know you must surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being a fifty-four-year old woman, can no longer satisfy. I am extremely satisfied with your cookery skills and your housekeeping prowess, and I value you as an unusually good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not misinterpret the fact that I shall be spending this evening with my more comely, eighteen-year-old secretary at the Comfort Lodge Hotel.
Please do not be too upset - I shall make sure I am back home before midnight and I shall, of course, try not to awaken you.'
When the man returned home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
~
'To My Dear Husband,
Well, I've read your letter, and thanks for your honesty regarding my age. May I take this opportunity to remind you that you are fifty-four as well?
As you know, I'm a maths teacher at the local college, and I'd like to inform you that, while you're at the Comfort Lodge, I'll be at the Purple Panther Inn with Greg, one of my students, who also happens to be a bodybuilder and tennis coach. He's virile, well-endowed, tireless and, like your secretary, eighteen and single.
As a businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you'll understand that we're both kind of in the same situation, although with one vast difference; eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than fifty-four goes into eighteen. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Positano, Italy =
Oily antipasto!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Chelsea Clinton's bridal gown is most sumptuous! I see that it's a present from her daddy. =
Amen! Proud day, chic gesture. It's not the first time Bill's splashed out on a woman's dress.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors."
President Barack Obama =
"What a year it's been running our US! The Libyan bomber stuff; the effect of BP's leak; our destabilized economy; wars; cutbacks; terrorism; the odd locust...
My beloved forefathers had it easy!"
LONG CATEGORY, August 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
SENIOR CENTRE
It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre, and Claude the hypnotist declared: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude said: 'I want you all to keep your eyes on this watch. It is very special and has been in my family for five generations.'
He began to swing the watch slowly back and forth while gently purring, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch...' The old audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes all followed the watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'Shit!' cursed the hypnotist.
It took three days to clear up the Centre.
=
SENIOR ROAD TRIP
Whilst away on a road trip, an old couple stopped at a cafe to have lunch.
After finishing their lunch, they left the table to continue the trip.
Exiting the cafe, the woman unwittingly left her spectacles on the table inside, and didn't miss them until they'd driven thirty miles.
To make matters worse, they had to go quite a few miles down the freeway to find somewhere safe to turn round before they could go back to pick up the spectacles.
All the way back, the husband was the classic waspish, tetchy old man. He cussed and complained during the whole drive, tactlessly criticizing his wife's mistake. The more he ranted, the tetchier he became, not letting up on his incessant whining for a minute.
To the wife's relief, they finally reached the cafe. As the woman zipped out of the car and ran in to get her spectacles, the old guy called to her, "And while you're in there, you may as well get my hat and credit cards!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2010:
Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
NELSON AND HARDY ON THE EVE OF BATTLE.
NELSON: Order the signal, Hardy.
HARDY: Aye, aye sir.
NELSON: Just a minute; that is not what I dictated, what is the meaning of this?
HARDY: Sorry sir?
NELSON (reading out loud): 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability'. What gobbledegook is this?
HARDY: It's Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the EU censors, lest it be construed as racist.
NELSON: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and my tobacco.
HARDY: I'm sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.
NELSON: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
HARDY; The rum ration has been withdrawn, Admiral. It is part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
NELSON: Good heavens Hardy, no rum? I suppose we had better get on with it thenÉ full speed ahead.
HARDY: Um... I think you'll find that there is now a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
NELSON: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in naval history! We must advance with all dispatch. Let me have a report from the crow's nest please.
HARDY: That won't be possible, sir.
NELSON: What?!
HARDY: Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness; and they said that rope ladders do not meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there; not until suitable scaffolding can be erected.
NELSON: Then you must deploy the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
HARDY: Um... that won't be possible either, sir.
NELSON: What! Why not, man?
HARDY: He is busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.
NELSON: Wheelchair access? Humbug! I have never heard anything so absurd!
HARDY: Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.
NELSON: Differently-abled? I only have one arm ~
and one eye, and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't progress to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.
HARDY: Er... actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiencies.
NELSON: Good Lord! Whatever next? Give me full sail. The breeze and the salt spray beckon!
HARDY: A couple of problems there also, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew climb the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt Ð haven't you seen the adverts?
NELSON: Bejabbers! I profess I've never heard such garbage! Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
HARDY: It seems the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
NELSON: What? This is mutiny!
HARDY: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of perhaps being charged with murder if they actually, well... kill someone. There's a pair of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
NELSON: Then how are we to sink the French and Spanish aggressors?
HARDY: Er... we're not, sir.
NELSON: We're not?
HARDY: No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our steadfast European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We might get clobbered with a compensation claim.
NELSON: But we detest the Frogs as we detest the devil.
HARDY: Best not let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report.
NELSON: Don't you consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King?
HARDY: Not any more, sir. We need to, quote: 'be inclusive in this multicultural age.' Now put on this padded Kevlar vest, please. It's the rules, and could save your life.
NELSON: Don't tell me Ð Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
HARDY: As explained, sir, rum's off the agenda. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
NELSON: And... what about sodomy?
HARDY: I believe that is now legal, sir.
NELSON: In that case: Kiss me, Hardy!
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
She disappointed the man. =
She'd a tampon in...
T
h
i
s
d
e
e
p
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, September 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Simon and Garfunkel hit, 'Homeward Bound' =
Had hummed this one on brand new folk guitar!
TOPICAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
George Michael is sent to gaol =
Oh, megastar going to cell, I see.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Simon/Garfunkel =
Men sung folk air.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A kindly Mother Superior called the nuns together and said, "I have to announce that we've a case of gonorrhoea in the ~
convent."
"Oh, I thank the Heavens!" said one nun elder to a colleague at the group's rear, "I am so tired of Chardonnay White."
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
ary had a itte ab
Its feece as hite as sno.
And everyhere that ary ent
The ab as sure to go.
It fooed her to schoo one day
hich as against the rue.
It ade the chidren augh and pay
To see a ab at schoo.
=
I hate this idea - three characters short?
Too hard to arrange I'd have thought.
To essay the ode? That I refuse,
As a headache can often ensue.
I'd as soon stab a pin in each eye.
Ta-ta, good'ay, bye bye!
LONG CATEGORY, September 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I was very unhappy last night and got to thinking about my life - the ruined economy, the wars abroad, the dearth of any jobs, all those bad retirement fund losses, my wife's cheating... you get my drift?
So I phoned the Samaritans.
Got a freakin' call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
=
Naturist Scott was sunbathing starkers on the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep 'other' things from getting burned, he'd placed a hat over his manhood.
A woman in a bikini jiggled past and exclaimed sarcastically, "Hey, meathead, if you were any kinda gentleman you'd lift your hat."
Scott smiled and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it'd lift itself."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2010:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
MONKTON HALL RESTAURANT.
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends were discussing where they should meet for dinner.
Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the waiters wore tight pants and had nice bums.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the home-cooked food was very good and the selection of wines was very good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami, mainly because they could dine there in peace and quiet and it had an exceptionally beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because the establishment was now wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at Monkton Hall restaurant in Miami because they had never been there before.
=
AN ASTUTE DEALER
Several men were in the changing room of a golf club at Fort Lauderdale. Suddenly, a cell-phone on a seat rang and one of the guys engaged the hands-free function and started to chat.
Everyone else in the room paused to listen.
MAN: "Yes?"
WOMAN: "Sweetheart, it's Susie. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at a Lauderdale shopping centre and I have found an utterly beautiful Burberry leather coat. It's only $1,100. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "Yes, sure Susie. Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "Really? Gee, thanks sweetie! I also called in at a Mercedes dealership and looked at their new 2010 models. There was a cherry-red sedan there that I really loved."
MAN: "I see. How much is it?"
WOMAN: "$74,600."
MAN: "Yes, let's get it; but for that price I'd require all the added accessories as standard."
WOMAN: "Super! Er... there is one other thing, dear... The house that we were after last year is on the market again. They are asking eight-hundred and fifty-thousand dollars."
MAN: "Well, go ahead and offer them 800K. They'll probably accept that. If they don't reduce, we can easily afford the extra fifty. It is an unusually fair price."
WOMAN: "Great! See you later, sweetheart! I love you so much."
MAN: "'Bye Susie. I love you too."
The man hung up. The other guys in the changing room were staring at him in open-mouthed astonishment... He smiled and said:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
RUDE CATEGORY, September 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Gay hotels and bars =
Lad shags a rent-boy.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
William Shakespeare: 'The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark' =
Alas, appears he knew Mr. Yorick from meeting the ill-fated head!
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"The anagram is one of the greatest follies of the human spirit; one must be foolish to enjoy them and worse than foolish to create them." (Quote by G.J. Hecart)
=
ANAGRAMS.
The effete Joe
Hecart's not
Eloquent, is he!
A joyful topic that whets the brain is
No folly. Oh...
And one's
Got to
Remember this... he's
A Frog too.
Mute him!
LONG CATEGORY, October 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
HELEN'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
Whoopee! All set for the cruise tomorrow! All my elegant gowns, best swimsuits, packed. How exciting!
Our women's Red Hat chapter organised this "girls-only" trip.
It will be my first one. Ooh! Cannot wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Whole day out at sea, beautiful. Spotted whales, dolphins too. Met our Captain - John Houghton. Very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
Red-hot. Lounged around the pool, swum a while, then bumped into Captain Houghton on the upper deck.
He invited me to join him at his table for dinner later. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. John's very handsome.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won £80 in the casino. Captain asked me to take dinner with him in his own cabin. Had yummy meal complete with oysters and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but told him no; I would not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
At loose-end, so lounged around pool, though got sunburned so went for drink in pool-bar. Stayed there all day. John Houghton saw me, bought me several drinks. John's really charming. Once again asked me to spend the night in his cabin, but refused. He told me, if I did not let him have his naughty way with me, he would sink the ship... I was thoroughly shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Three times.
=
DADDY'S PHONE CALL.
Rrriiiiing, rrriiiiing... Rrriiiiing, rriiiiing...
'Hello?'
'Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's in the bedroom with Uncle Alec.'
(After a brief pause)
'... But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Alec.'
'Oh yes I have, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now.'
(Brief Pause...)
'Er, okay, this is what I want you to do. Lay the phone down on the table, hurry off upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and call to Mommy that Daddy's car is just coming into the driveway.'
'Yes, okay Daddy, just a minute.'
(A few minutes later...)
'I did as you said, Daddy.'
'And exactly what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and hit her head real hard on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Alec?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on as well. He was really scared, and he jumped straight out of the back window and landed head-first in the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
(A long pause...)
(A longer pause...)
(An even longer pause...)
(Then Daddy says...)
'Swimming pool...? Erm, so... is this 02080 113456?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number...'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Nancy Reagan's Letter of Forgiveness to John Hinckley:
People could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deluded and deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, inside his twisted mind, loved Jodie so much that, to make himself well regarded by her, he decided to assassinate President Reagan. But his attempt failed - the President was wounded but survived.
There is speculation that Hinckley may soon be released, having been considered as rehabilitated. Consequently, you will all appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. N. Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In accordance with our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we wanted you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that extreme mental stress and pain could well have driven you to commit such a desperate act.
We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to rejoin the world as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan and Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, President Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
=
A Key Way to Rearrange Our System.
Easy! Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would enjoy access to showers; hobbies; a walking (or jogging) area and any games they enjoy; they'd have unlimited free dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. They'd learn new work-skills and receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed emergency assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice weekly and their clothing ironed and returned to them as new.
A guard would look in on them by arrangement every twenty minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They'd enjoy family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would enjoy access to a library, a weight room, a pool, humane spiritual counselling and education breaks.
Basic clothing. Shoes, slippers, pyjamas, are free, and any legal aid can be arranged on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an outdoor exercise yard, with gardens.
For entertainment, each senior would have a PC, a TV, a radio, and make daily phone calls.
There would be a Governor and a board of 11 directors, to hear any complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that they must strictly adhere to.
The 'crooks' would get near-cold food, be left alone and unsupervised, lights off at 8pm, and a shower once a week. Must live in a tiny room for eternity, and pay $9K per month with no hope of getting out.
Justice for all. Ok?
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
F**k! Stars inside! =
Find asterisks.
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'Sensitive' photographs =
'Private' posing shots, eh?
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2010:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The American star George Clooney =
Here's Google entry: 'A cinema actor'.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Egyptian Book of the Dead =
Good-bye and keep to the faith!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A wife came home, pulled into the driveway, bolted into the house and shouted at the top of her lungs,' Stan, just pack your bags ~ I've won the lottery!'
'Oh my God, Pauleen!' said her no-use husband. 'What do I pack? All beach stuff, I hope!'
'Doesn't matter; just get out.'
LONG CATEGORY, November 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Leroy Williams gets in the line, and when it's his turn, the preacher says: 'Hello, Leroy Williams, what do you want me to pray about for you?'
Leroy replies: 'Well, Preacher James, I just want you to pray for my hearing.'
At that, the preacher puts a finger to Leroy's left ear, and places the other hand atop his head. Then he tilts his own head to the Heavens and begins praying with great gusto.
A few moments later, the preacher removes both hands, steps back, bellows, 'Hallelujah!' and asks: 'Well, Leroy Williams - how's that hearing of yours now?'
Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday.'
=
A teacher was talking to her class of six-year-olds about whales.
She insisted it was impossible for whales to swallow humans because, although they are very large, their throats are very small.
One young girl in front, Penny Dwyer, put her hand up to say that poor Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated to Penny that it is physically impossible for whales to swallow humans.
Undeterred, Penny retorted, 'When I get to Heaven I'm gonna ask Mr. Jonah myself.'
'Really, Penny?' responded the teacher. 'So... what if Jonah went to Hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2010:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Here's something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2010:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'A Christmas Carol'. A novel by Charles Dickens =
Callers' visions badly shock mean character.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The wonder of Salisbury's "Stonehenge" =
Hey, it's renowned for huge stone slabs!
LONG CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE DEVOTED HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. Just as he was sitting down, another man came along and asked if anyone would be sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No they wont," he replied, "the seat is free."
"Honest? That's incredible!" exclaimed the other man, "now, who in their right mind would have a seat like this, for the greatest sporting event of the year, and then not even use it?"
He said, "Well, these seats do both belong to me. My wife was supposed to have been here with me but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final she hasn't been to since the day we were married."
"Gosh... I'm so sorry to hear that. Heck, that's dreadful. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a close friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat, then?"
The man shook his head...
"I'm afraid not. They're all at the funeral."
=
AN E-MENDED GAFFE!
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and, being pragmatic, he decides that he will just have the brief epitaph "She Were Thine" engraved upon her headstone.
He visits a stonemason, who tells him that it should be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the craftsman calls the husband to say that the tombstone is finished and would he like to come by to inspect it. When the man gets there, he takes one look at the stone and notices that it has been engraved "She Were Thin".
"Bloomin' 'eck man!" he explodes; "I can't 'ave that - you've left a flamin' 'E' out!"
The stonemason apologises for the gaffe and assures him that it will be rectified by the morning.
Next day the widower returns. "Right, sir," says the mason, "I've put the 'E' on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and reads out aloud: "E, She Were Thin".
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2010:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
ANNOUNCEMENT: International Alert Levels Raised!
The English are feeling the heat in the wake of recent terrorist threats and, as a safeguard, have now raised the national security level from "Displeased" to "Peeved". Security levels may soon be raised again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in Nineteen-forty, when it looked like tea supplies could run short.
Terrorism has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was back in Fifteen-eighty-eight, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have also raised their level from "Pissed Off" to "So, let's go and get those Bastards". They do not have any more levels. This is the reason those war-waging Scots have been used on the British army's front line for the last three-hundred years.
The French government announced today that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". This unusual rise was precipitated by a recent fire in France that wrecked a major white flag factory and has effectively paralysed all the country's military capabilities.
Italy has also increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".~
There are two levels left: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their state of terrorist alert from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor's Territory" and "Lose".
The Belgians aren't bothered as they're all on holiday. The only itty-bitty threat they find to worry about is that of NATO pulling out of Brussels soon.
The Spanish are excited to see their latest submarines ready to be deployed. These nifty, perfectly designed submarines have glass bottoms fitted so that the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
In the meantime, the Americans are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on their friends "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels from "baa" to "BAA!" Due to their current stiff reductions in defence spending, New Zealand has only one further level of alert, which is: "I hope Australia will come to our rescue".
Australia has raised its security alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three other escalation levels remain. They are: "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and, thirdly, "The barbie is cancelled".
So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the third escalation level.
RUDE CATEGORY, December 2010:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
I am inbreeding =
I been riding ma!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, January 2011:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
A Rorschach Test =
Character shots.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, January 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Since that dreadful snow came, all my wife does is look through the back window. If it gets any worse, I might have to let her in. =
After a wild, lost night out, Victor Chisler woke to find a scarily ugly woman beside him. It was then he knew he'd got home safe.
LONG CATEGORY, January 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Late one night an old lady rang her vet and asked him the best way to separate a pair of copulating dogs.
"I'd say your best bet is to try prising them apart with a stick," he said.
A few minutes later, the old lady rang back saying the stick hadn't worked and could he advise something else.
"Oh, I dunno," said the vet, "You could try throwing water over them, perhaps?"
A few minutes later the lady phoned again. Unfortunately, the water had not done the job and she asked if there was anything else she could try.
"Go and tell one of the dogs it's wanted on the phone," said the vet, now becoming rather annoyed.
"Huh? That's a bit of an unusual remedy!" said the old lady. "Will it work?"
"Well," the vet replied, "it's already worked three times with me."
=
The elderly lady was standing at the cruise ship's railing clutching her hat to her head to stop the wind blowing it away.
A gentleman approached the aged female and said, "Pardon me, madam; I don't wish to appear forward, but did you know that the whole of your dress is billowing up in the wind?"
"Yes, I did know that 'detail'," she stated. "However, I need to have both hands free to hold onto the hat."
"But madam, you must realise that you are not wearing knickers and that your privates are on full view to all the deck's passengers!" entreated the gentleman.
The lady glanced down, then looked back at the gentleman. "Sir," she retorted flakily, "anything you see down there is seventy-five years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Your Song
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A girl asks her boyfriend Graham to come over Friday night to meet her parents and to have dinner with them.
Since it is such a momentous event, the girl announces to him that, after dinner, she would like to go out somewhere romantic and make love for the first time.
Graham is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps him for about an hour, telling the boy everything there is to know about condoms and about sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks Graham how many condoms he would like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy settles on the family size because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, Graham turns up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Ooh, I'm so excited about you meeting my parents,' she says; 'come in!'
Graham goes in and is led to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. About a minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head bowed.
Ten minutes pass and still no movement from him.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were so religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
=
Three McDonald's trade Executives are captured by tribesmen deep in an Amazon rainforest and taken to their chief.
"You very bad men!" says the chief, "destroy our forests. You shall be punished."
The 3 men look at each other apprehensively.
"You!" says the chief, pointing aggressively at the first man. "I let you choose. Death... or bum-bum!"
"I don't want to die!" shrieks the quaking man. "I don't know what this bum-bum is, but I'll take it!"
With that, 10 of the biggest, most strapping warriors grab the helpless man, throw him over a log and continue to roger him mercilessly for half-an-hour until he is a sad, bloodied wreck, then drag him away.
The chief looks at the second McDonald's man and says, "I give you same choice as him. Death or bum-bum!"
"Heck, what you did to my pal was horrific," gasps the distressed man, "but... I don't want to die either. I shall take bum-bum."
With that, 20 eager, strapping warriors grab the man, throw him over the same log, and roger him in the same, senselessly appalling manner for an hour, leaving him in a worse state than the first man.
The chief then turns to the last exec, who is the most senior of the three, and before he can speak, the man spits defiantly, "Kiss my ass! I will not experience the same sordid indignity as those spineless idiots! Death before dishonor, say I! Yes... I choose death!"
At that, a great cheer goes up from the tribe as they all roar as one: "Hooray! Death by bum-bum!"
TOPICAL CATEGORY, February 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Thrill of winning that Oscar cheered ~
the English actor Colin Andrew Firth.
LONG CATEGORY, February 2011:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
To be, or not to be, innit
SPECIAL CATEGORY, February 2011:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
GENERAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Money is the root of all evil =
Yet the love of oil is normal?
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, March 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Mount Rushmore National Memorial, South Dakota =
Ah, look! A monument in art to our immortal US heads!
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, March 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
It is stated that one in five people born in the world is Chinese...
Er, heck, there are five in my family, so it must be one ~ of them! It's either Ma, Pa, or one of my brothers: Clive and Nee-Lee Yen Wen.
This is a definite poser.
But I think it's Clive.
LONG CATEGORY, March 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
I was alone at the bar, just staring at my Scotch when a really huge biker stepped up to me, picked up my drink and downed it in one gulp.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about that?" he said menacingly, as I dissolved into tears.
"Oh, come on, man," the biker said, "Hell, I didn't think you'd cry. I hate to see a man cry."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late for work and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found that my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet behind in the cab home. Then I found my old lady in bed with the delivery man, and, to cap it all, my dog Curtis bit me."
"So I came here to work up the courage to end it all. I bought a drink, dropped a cyanide capsule in and watched the poison dissolve. Then you, you asshole, showed up and drank the lot! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
=
A smart-looking lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide'
The pharmacist asked, 'Now, why in the world would you be needing cyanide?'
The woman answered, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
'Lord have mercy!' cried the dumbfounded man. 'You want me to sell you cyanide to kill off your husband? I could never agree to that because it's against the law! I'd be compromised, and I'd lose my license. Then, after that, they'd sling us both in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. So, I am NOT giving you any cyanide. Absolutely not!'
The woman reached into her bag and took out a picture showing her husband, in bed, making love to the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Ah... now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, March 2011:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
How To Get On In Society
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, April 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
There are skinny boobs (.)(.)
There are larger boobs ( o Y o )
Cold boobs ( ^ )( ^ )
And floppy boobs { o }{ o }
And even those asymmetrical
boobs ( o )( . )
~
There are normal boobs ( . )( . )
Silicone boobs ( + )( + )
Perky boobs ( * ) ( * )
Perfect boobs ( o )( o )
Oh, yes...
And Grandma's boobs \./\./
(And they are lovely too!)
LONG CATEGORY, April 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"Oh, Doctor," pleaded the woman, "I just don't know what to do. Every night, my husband comes home insanely drunk and beats me to a pulp."
"Ah, I have a really good cure for that," replied the doctor. "Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a drink of sweet tea and then start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he has gone to bed and is asleep."
Some days later, the woman returned to the doctor and flounced in looking fresh, bubbly and reborn. "Hey, doctor!" she gushed, "that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and I swished, and he didn't touch me once! How on earth does the tea do that?"
The doctor replied: "The tea does sod all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
=
A woman was in bed with her lover when she suddenly heard the front door opening.
"Oh my God, it's my husband!" she cried, "Stand in the corner!"
She hurriedly rubbed baby oil all over the worried man, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Ok, so don't move until I tell you to," she whispered; "pretend you're a statue."
The husband came upstairs into the room. "What's... that?" he asked warily.
"Oh, just some statue," she muttered casually, "I saw the Jacksons had bought one and liked it, so I decided I must get us one as well."
No more was said, and they went to bed.
Around two o'clock in the morning the husband got up, tiptoed to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a cool beer.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, April 2011:
eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Autobiography [version II]
GENERAL CATEGORY, May 2011:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
To the victor go the spoils =
I've rights to scoop the lot!
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, May 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides =
Arr, don't bother seeing it sea fans, it be crap!
LONG CATEGORY, May 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two Irish brothers, Patrick and Connor McGough, had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, that they would bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in time he did die and the brothers kept their promise.
They set off with their Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded into their little rowboat. After a while Patrick McGough said, "Do yer tink that dis is fer enough out, Connor?"
Without a word Connor slipped over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
"Ah, dis'll neva do, Pat. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing, Connor went over the side again but found that the water was only up to his belly, so they rowed on.
Again Pat asked him, "Do yer tink that dis is fer enough out?"
Once again Connor went over the side and almost immediately said, "No dis'll neva do."
The water was still only up to his chest. So, on and on they rowed and finally Connor went over the side and disappeared altogether. Quite a bit of time went by and Pat was really getting himself into a state when suddenly Connor broke the surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enough yet, Connor?"
"Aye 'tis, hand me da shovel."
=
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was eighty years old and had never been married. Everybody liked her for her sweet demeanour and endearing innocence.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her. She showed him into her modest living room and invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat looking at her quaint old upright Hammond organ, the young minister suddenly noticed an ordinary glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled up with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The young pastor tried to suppress his curiosity about the bowl of water and its peculiar floater, but it finally got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
'Hey, Miss Beatrice; I wonder if you would kindly tell me about this?' he said, pointing to the mysterious bowl.
'Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful?' she replied. 'I was walking by the park a few months ago and I found this small packet on the ground. The directions inside said to place it on the organ and keep it moist and it would prevent the spread of diseases. And do you know what? I haven't had a trace of flu all winter!'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, May 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Jim and Patricia were eighty years old and had been married for sixty years. Although they were far from rich, they did manage to get by because Jim watched their pennies.
Despite their age, they were in quite good health, largely due to Patricia's insistence on organic food, with daily exercise, for the last decade.
But their good health didn't help them when they went on holiday one day and their plane crashed, sending them up to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a running waterfall in the master bath. A maid was hanging their favourite clothes in a closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Jim asked how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' St. Peter smiled, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Jim looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any course on Earth. 'Wow! And what are the fees for that?' he queried.
'This is Heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for nothing all day.'
Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a sumptuous buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts and free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Jim looked round and glanced nervously at Patricia. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he enquired.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you want and you will not get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Jim
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'No. Never again. All you will do here is enjoy yourself.'
Jim glared at Patricia and said, 'You and your f****ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
=
An Irish farmer named Fergus had a motor accident. In court, the lorry company's highly expensive lawyer was questioning Fergus.
'Did you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? asked the lawyer.
Fergus responded: 'Well, I'll explain to you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Mabel, safely onto the...'
'I didn't ask you for any unnecessary details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Fergus said, 'Well, I had just got Mabel safely onto the trailer and I was driving off down the road...'
The lawyer interrupted again, saying, 'Your Honour, I am just trying to establish the fact that, after the accident, this man stated to the police officer at the scene that he was fine. But now, several weeks after the accident, he's trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him he must answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was very interested in Fergus's reply and he politely explained to the lawyer: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Mabel. He may speak'
Fergus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Mabel, my favourite cow, safely onto the trailer and was driving her down the road, when this huge lorry came speeding through a stop sign and hit my trailer in the side. I was thrown out into one ditch and Mabel was thrown off into another. I was hurt very badly, with a sore head and did not really feel like moving. However, I could hear poor Mabel moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by those groans.
Soon after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear poor Mabel's feeble moans and groans so he went over to see her. After looking at her and seeing her injured condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.'
'Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and asked me, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the fook would you have said?'
TOPICAL CATEGORY, June 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Duchess of York admits: "I'm on the verge of bankruptcy." =
More muck spoken by Fergie for tidy TV cash handouts.
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, June 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
'Hill Top', Beatrix Potter's house in Ambleside, Cumbria =
Exhibit Peter Rabbit's old home as a nice tourism pull.
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, June 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where it was always June." (Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of the Island) =
Are you joking? It would mean that I'd wallow in a deathly world of eternal Wimbledon matches! Unwise. Very unwise.
LONG CATEGORY, June 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A MAN'S ROLE
A Man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she's feeling insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to carry on until she succeeds and to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and put aside her regrets.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and surrender to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and he will enable her to appear decidedly confident, unbeatably seductive and sexy.
No wait...... sorry...... I'm thinking of wine.
It's wine that does all that.
Sorry.
=
A WOMAN'S AILMENT
An anxious brunette went into the doctor's office and said her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'All over? Listen; that ailment is not possible!' he said testily. 'Show me.'
The woman pressed her finger against her left shoulder and screamed out in pain, then she pressed her left elbow and screamed again. Next, she felt her wrist and still cried out; likewise when she pressed her shins. Everywhere she pressed made her emit an awful scream.
Finally, the doctor said, 'You're not a real brunette, are you?
'Well, no,' said the woman, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' he said; 'Your finger is broken.'
SPECIAL CATEGORY, June 2011:
eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
50 Fascinating Facts About The Royal Wedding
TOPICAL CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The singer Amy Winehouse is dead =
Oh, my. Herein dies a wasted genius.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Tuff, a Scotsman, sidled into the Glasgow library and asked the prim female librarian, "Have ye got any books on suicide?" ~
After pausing a minute, the woman looked icily at him over her glasses, and said...
"Sod off ye bastard, ye'll no bring it back!"
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, July 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"It was a splendid summer morning and it seemed as if nothing could go wrong." - John Cheever =
"Hell, I'm just gonna go down and record some danged seafish, then I'm coming up." - Steve R. Irwin
LONG CATEGORY, July 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE TOP TEN BEST SELLING MUSIC ARTISTS
1. Elvis Presley
2. The Beatles
3. Michael Jackson
4. Frank Sinatra
5. Abba
6. Led Zeppelin
7. Nana Mouskouri
8. Queen
9. Tino Rossi
10. Julio Iglesias
=
1. The King.
2. Liverpool group.
3. Tranquilizers kill.
4. Ol' Blue Eyes.
5. Jesus! Just look at those females!
6. Metal band.
7. A Cretan in specs
8. Britain's best!
9. Ancient, I see!
10. As in: 'I am Spanish'.
GENERAL CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A street hooligan ~
looting the areas.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, August 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
La Gioconda (Mona Lisa) =
A social animal? God no.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
At an auction of art in Kinloch, a wealthy German lost a case containing over £225,000 in cash.
He told the fellow bidders he'd give ~ £200 as a single reward to anyone who handed it in intact.
From the back of the large hall, a Scottish voice announced, 'I'll give £250.'
LONG CATEGORY, August 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE TOP TEN GREATEST BRITONS OF ALL TIME
(As voted by the people of Britain)
1. Sir Winston Churchill
2. Isambard Kingdom Brunel
3. Diana, Princess of Wales
4. Charles Darwin
5. William Shakespeare.
6. Sir Isaac Newton
7. Queen Elizabeth I
8. John Lennon
9. Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson
10. Oliver Cromwell
=
1. Bullish World War II Prime Minister. Beat Nazis.
2. Skillful Victorian engineer.
3. Queen of British Hearts.
4. The Creation is Evolution!
5. He penned plays and sonnets.
6. Maths and science know-all!
7. Virgin monarch.
8. Beatle, fell to loner assassin.
9. He came to blows with Napoleon.
10. Job was 'Lord Protector'.
SPECIAL CATEGORY, August 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
CURTAIN RODS
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had all her things collected by the removal company.
On the third day, she sat down for the very last time at their beautiful teak dining-room table. She put on some soothing background music, and feasted by candlelight on a plate of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left the house.
On the fourth day, the husband moved in with his new girlfriend, and at first it was all blissful harmony.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the whole house.
The vents were thoroughly checked for dead rodents, and all the carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to fumigate the whole house, during which time the two lovers had to move out for several days. They even paid to have the expensive wool carpeting replaced. But nothing they tried worked. The house still reeked.
Suddenly, people stopped coming to call.
Repairmen refused to do any work in the house.
The maid quit.
~
In the end, they could bear the stench no longer, and decided they had to move. But a month later - even though they'd cut the price in half - they still couldn't find a buyer for such a smelly house.
Word began to spread, and in time even the local realtors refused to visit or return their calls.
Unable to wait a moment longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a vast sum of money from the bank in order to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked him how things were progressing. He told her the grim story of the stinking house. She listened quietly and replied that she was missing her old home terribly and would even be prepared to reduce her final divorce settlement in exchange for having the house she loved.
Knowing that she could have no possible idea of how disgusting this smell was, he accepted her offer and settled on a sale figure that was a tenth of what the house had initially been priced at ... but only if she signed the papers that very day.
She concurred, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched a moving company packing their possessions to send off to their new abode.
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.
I just love a happy ending, don't you?
RUDE CATEGORY, August 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Thames Valley Gay Police Association =
It is mainly a chocolate passage they love!
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Catherine, the royal Duchess of Cambridge =
Cherish her soft beauty and melodic grace.
MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY, September 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A cop pulls in two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "Tell me your name and address."
"I'm Paddy Kevin Sheehan, of no fixed abode."
~
The cop nods and asks the next drunk for his address as well.
"Oi'm Seamus Airey Bindy and oi live in the flat one up from Paddy."
LONG CATEGORY, September 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE TOP TEN GREATEST AMERICANS OF ALL TIME
(As voted by the people of America)
1 Ronald Reagan
2 Abraham Lincoln
3 Martin Luther King
4 George Washington
5 Benjamin Franklin
6 George W Bush
7 Bill Clinton
8 Elvis Presley
9 Oprah Winfrey
10 Franklin D Roosevelt
=
1 Actor, became President
2 Responsible for abolishing slavery
3 Man with a dream
4 See an open, noble man
5 Father of the US Nation
6 The Jerk
7 Fine cigar lover
8 Hip-swivelling rock 'n' roll King
9 Female, had a long-running tittle-tattle program
10 Bygone War ally
SPECIAL CATEGORY, September 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Antarctica
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, October 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Michelangelo Buonarroti's 'The Creation of Eve'. =
A theme to honorable virtue on a ceiling fresco.
LONG CATEGORY, October 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
My wife Keeley discovered that our dog Bobby (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet.
The vet examined him and found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both Bobby's ears, and he could then hear just fine.
The vet then advised Keeley that, if she wanted to keep this from ever happening again, she should go to up the town's chemist and buy some "Nair" hair remover and rub this in Bobby's ears twice a month.
Keeley then went to the store and bought the "Nair" hair remover. At the cash register, the pharmacist advised her, "Now, if you intend using this under your arms, do not use deodorants for two days or so."
Keeley said, "I will not be using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "Well, if you intend putting it on your legs, do not use any skin lotions for a couple of days."
Keeley replied, "Well, I'm not using it on the legs either. If you must know, I'm going to use it on my Schnauzer."
"Oh..." The pharmacist said, "Well in that case stay off your bicycle for a week."
=
A convict broke into a house to look for money and to procure a gun. Instead, he found a couple upstairs in bed.
He ordered the guy out of bed and tied him to a chair.
Whilst tying the wife to the bed the convict straddled her and nuzzled her neck, then arose and promptly went to the bathroom.
While he was in there, the husband whispered to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, probably a murderer. Look at his clothes! He's no doubt spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a female for years. I saw him kiss your neck. If he attempts sex, don't resist or complain - do as he tells you, whatever. Satisfy him, no matter if it nauseates you. The guy is obviously very dangerous," he added. "If the big brute gets angry, he'll murder us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
The wife retorted: "He wasn't kissing my neck; he was murmuring something in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you are rather cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom... Be strong honey, I love you."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, October 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Email On Behalf Of The Queen
RUDE CATEGORY, October 2011:
eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"Yes, solo wanking in musty elevators ~
is wrong on so many levels," I state. "Yuk!"
GENERAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A gender transition =
An interesting road.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, November 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
US Secretary of State Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton =
Once held 'First Lady' status. (Royal throne in America!)
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
On Approaching Italy
SPECIAL CATEGORY, November 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An Arab had spent several long days wandering the desert without locating any water. In the end, things got so bad that his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, quite certain that he was drawing his last breath, when suddenly he saw something shiny poking up from the sand several yards ahead.
He crawled over to the article, pulled it out of the sand, and saw that he had unearthed a Manischewitz wine bottle. And it appeared that there might even be a drop or two left in the bottle!
He unscrewed the top... and suddenly... out popped a genie! But this was no ordinary genie. Not at all. This appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat and black hat, and full side curls.
'Hello, hello! said the genie, 'Vell kiddo, you know how things vork. You got three vishes.'
'I'm not going to trust you, said the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'
'Vot you got to lose? Looks to me you're a goner anyvay!'
He thought for a minute and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay then, I would like to be in a lush oasis, with lots of food and cold drinks.'
POOF!
Suddenly, the Arab found himself in the most green and lush place he'd ever seen and he was surrounded by jugs of chilled wine and platters of delicacies.
'Ok kiddo, vot's your second vish?'
'My second wish is that I were rich beyond all my wildest dreams.'
POOF!
Suddenly he found himself surrounded by treasure chests, all filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
'Okay kiddo, you got vone more vish. Better you should make this a really good vone!'
After contemplating for a moment, the Arab said, 'Ok... I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'
POOF!
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
=
An old prospector shuffled into town trailing his tired old mule behind him, and made straight for the saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the hitch rail and tied the docile mule to it. As he stood there, brushing dust from his face and clothes, a young cowboy stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
He looked at the old man and guffawed, "Say, old timer, have you ever danced a jig?" The old man looked up at him and said, "No, I can't say I've ever wanted to."
A crowd started to gather as the boozy cowboy grinned and said, "Aw gee, you haven't? Well, you are gonna dance a jig now," and started firing indiscriminately at the old man's feet. The prospector, not wishing to have his toes blown off piecemeal, started jumping about like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the laughing gunslinger holstered his gun and turned to go back in the saloon. With that, the prospector went to his mule, withdrew a double-barrelled shotgun out of his backpack, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried audibly in the desert air.
The crowd immediately stopped laughing. The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as he stared at the gaping holes of those twin barrels. The shotgun never wavered in the old man's grip, as he quietly said, "Boy, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but I've always wanted to."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Do not waste vital ammunition.
Avoid whiskey, as it makes you think you are smarter than you are.
Always be sure you know who possesses the power.
Do not piss off old men; they didn't reach that ripe age in life by being stupid.
ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY, December 2011:
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Edouard Manet's 'Luncheon on the Grass' =
Sole nude and her man-escorts hang out!
OTHER NAMES CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association
=
"Can it stop nasal in-breathing noises?"
"I hope so, dear." :-(
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Commonly Broken Resolutions:
- Exercise
- Quit smoking
- Learn a new thing
- Eat healthier and diet
- Pay off debts
- Hang out with your family
- Travel to a new place
- Deal with stress
- Volunteer
- Drink less
=
Resolutions I Know I'll Eventually Break Next Year:
- Run marathon
- Eat tidbits
- Stay calm
- Owe less
- Longer walks
- Use discretion
- Tend the garden
- Improved health
- Own a fight-trim physique
- No coffee
LONG CATEGORY, December 2011:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get some time off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. So, I would like you to look after the clinic and take care of all me usual patients."
"Yes sir, oi will!" answered Murphy.
The doctor went fishing next day and, on returning to the clinic the following day, enquired: "How was your day, Murphy?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one called in with a headache, so oi gave him some Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, I like it! And the second one?" asked the doctor.
"The second one had colic and oi gave him Gaviscon, so oi did sir," said Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're unusually good at this Murphy; and what about the third one?" asked the doctor.
"Well sir, oi was sittin' here quietly moindin' me own business when suddenly da door flew open and a young woman burst in, so she did, like a bolt outta the blue! She tore off her clothes, removin' everyt’ing includin' her bra and panties and lay down on the table, spreadin' her legs and shoutin': "Help me for the love of St Patrick! For five years oi've not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did ye do?" asked the doctor.
"Oi put drops in her eyes."
=
Dermot, from Dublin, appeared on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and towards the end of the program he'd already won half a million euros.
"You have done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's host and presenter, "but, worryingly, you've only got one lifeline left - the 'Phone a Friend'. Everything's riding on this question, for a million euros. Do you want to go for it?"
"Yes," said Dermot "Oi'll have a go!"
"Okay, Dermot - which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo?”
"Oi'm afraid oi haven't got a clue" said Dermot, ''so oi'm gonna have to use that last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy in Dublin"
Dermot phoned his friend and told him the circumstances and repeated the question.
"Why, that's simple!" cried Paddy; "It's a cuckoo."
"Are you certain?"
"Yes, I am."
Dermot hung up the phone and told Chris: "Oi'll go with cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"That it is."
There was a long pause and then the presenter screamed: "Cuckoo is the right answer! You've won a million euros!"
The next night Dermot invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Hey Paddy, just how in Heaven's name did you know that the cuckoo doesn't build his own nest?"
"Easy...! Because he lives in a fookin' clock!"
SPECIAL CATEGORY, December 2011:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
These are all supposedly based on quotes from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and describe things people actually said in court (but perhaps not quite literally, as some have been altered just a bit to create this anagram!) All are on record and have now been published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Paula?'
ATTORNEY: And this upset you because...?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Pink Gucci sweats and purple Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, has it affected your memory at all?
WITNESS: It has.
ATTORNEY: Just how has this affected your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: I see. Perhaps you could give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, is it true that if a person dies in his sleep, he does not know about it until the following morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exams?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The middle son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he, please?
WITNESS: He is twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: It was.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, is this true?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: And were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
~
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the wrongdoer?
WITNESS: Yes, I'd say that he was regular height, medium weight and had a rather long beard.
ATTORNEY: Was the wrongdoer male or female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice that we sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: Er, no; this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The living ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, right? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall what time you examined Mr Tennent's body?
WITNESS: Yes, Mr Attorney, the autopsy started around 8PM
ATTORNEY: And Tennent was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give urine samples?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And finally:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Then it's possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy... yes?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: Okay, but could the patient have been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Chat-show host Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan =
Smug, hot-air chap; often presents hogwash
ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY, January 2012:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"This plot is the best I have seen all my life
For it raises the flowers and covers my wife"
=
THE IRISH DENTIST
Somewhere below
Safe in repose
M. F. O'Flavertey
Fills his last cavity
LONG CATEGORY, January 2012:
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE HOTTEST WOMEN OF ALL TIME.
(As voted by 'Men's Health' magazine)
1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Raquel Welch
3. Marilyn Monroe
4. Britney Spears
5. Madonna
6. Ursula Andress
7. Bettie Page
8. Pamela Anderson
9. Jane Fonda
10. Angelina Jolie
11. Sharon Stone
12. Scarlett Johansson
13. Catherine Deneuve
14. Megan Fox
15. Jenny McCarthy
16. Christie Brinkley
17. Anna Nicole Smith
18. Shakira
19. Heather Locklear
20. Heidi Klum
=
1. Because she's worth it!
2. A caveman's moll
3. The blonde gentlemen preferred
4. A little nuts?
5. Like a virgin? Er... no
6. Left James Bond shaken and stirred
7. Oh... Huh?
8. Inane Amazon
9. aka 'Hanoi Jane'
10. "My enemy!" (Jennifer Aniston)
11. Basically horny
12. A Manhattan starlet
13. French icon
14. Comely and American
15. - ditto -
16. Joel's uptown girl
17. Late American heiress
18. Ah, sexy hips!
19. On 'T. J. Hooker'
20. 'Seal's German queen
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A STRANGE WILD SONG
By
Lewis Carroll
He thought he saw an Elephant
That practised on a fife:
He looked again, and found it was
A letter from his wife.
"At length I realize," he said,
"The bitterness of life!"
He thought he saw a Buffalo
Upon the chimney-piece:
He looked again, and found it was
His Sister's Husband's Niece.
"Unless you leave this house," he said,
"I'll send for the police!"
He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
That questioned him in Greek:
He looked again, and found it was
The Middle of Next Week.
"The one thing I regret," he said,
"Is that it cannot speak!"
He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk
Descending from the bus:
He looked again, and found it was
A Hippopotamus.
"If this should stay to dine," he said,
"There won't be much for us!"
He thought he saw a Kangaroo
That worked a Coffee-mill:
He looked again, and found it was
A Vegetable-Pill.
"Were I to swallow this," he said,
"I should be very ill!"
He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four
That stood beside his bed:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bear without a Head.
"Poor thing," he said, "poor silly thing!
It's waiting to be fed!"
=
Adieu To...
THE TITULAR IDIOTS OF MODERN TIMES
He thought he was the U.K's Choice
So suave, so debonair
He looked again to find he was
That puppet, Tony Blair.
"At least I've had last laugh," he said
"For I'm a millionaire!"
He thought he was Cock of the Walk
Then, turning with a 'swoosh'!
He looked again to see he was
Prize twit, George W. Bush.
"What dumb things did I spout?" he said,
"Hell... none! (one at a push!")
He thought he was Invincible,
For decades he could reign,
He looked again and saw he was
Despot Saddam Hussein
"At least I kept Iraq secure,"
He said, "Now it's insane."
He thought he was the God of Sex,
But it was baloney.
He looked to find he was, tut tut,
Deflated, Berlusconi
"Ok, I had affairs," he puffed,
"But, man I was not lonely!"
He thought he was top Desert King
Star of foreign affairs
He looked again to find he was
Gaddafi fleeing scared.
Though hated by his folk, he had
A lifelong friend in Blair.
He thought he was the President
Who had the keenest brain
He looked again to see he was
Bill Clinton, clear and plain.
"At least in my career," he said,
"I only left one stain."
SPECIAL CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE CURRY CONTEST
(If you manage to read this story without laughing then there's absolutely no hope for you.)
For any of you who have lived in Natal, you'll know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off around June/July. It takes up a large portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Pietermaritzburg.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at the Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking them for directions to the beer garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I duly decided I would accept."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
MADHU'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY....
Judge # 1 -- A little heavy on tomato, yet amusingly tangy.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. Dammit, these people are crazy.
DIPALI'S PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting flavour, needs more peppers added to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- My God! Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer on seeing the distress on my face.
PADMA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent, peppery, firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, with good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call security. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back to stop me gagging; now my spine is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting decidedly pissed from all the beer.
GANDHI'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sachika, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 34-stone woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
~
BABOO'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- A meaty, strong curry. Freshly ground Cayenne peppers do bestow a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Good-to-average beef curry, could use more tomato. I must admit, the kick of the chilli makes quite a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are buzzing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The woman contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sachika saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly onto it from the pitcher. I wonder if I have burnt my lips off. It hacks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them, the jackasses.
VERISHNA'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian curry. A good balance of spices.
Judge # 2 -- Hoorah! The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Just superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am without doubt going to shit myself if I fart and I am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems keen to stand behind me except that Sachika. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.
SHAKALAKA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Okay, but tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am a bit worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would not feel a thing. I have lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is filled with rushing water. My khaki shirt is covered with curry which dribbled unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava which matches my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I have decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
BHAKTI'S TOENAIL-CURLING COOKBOOK CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Ah, the perfect ending. This is a nice, enjoyable curry blend with bite. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced textbook curry. Not too mild but not too hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor man; I wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
RUDE CATEGORY, January 2012:
Eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
The rectal suppository for constipation
=
I post up arse
I clench
I try not to fart...
Oops! :-(
Table of All-Time Placegetters
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