Nominations for January, 2010

Current Nominations for January, 2010 [227]

Anagrammy Awards >Anagrammy Awards Forum > Current Nominations

GENERAL (31)	ENTERTAINMENT (19)	TOPICAL (41)	PEOPLES NAMES (20)
OTHER NAMES (18)	MEDIUM LENGTH (20)	LONG (8)	SPECIAL (6)
UNSPECIFIED (0)	ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE (50)	RUDE (14)	Counts by Author

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY [19 nominations]

Scott Gardner with:
Claude Monet's "Snow at Argenteuil" =
Gentleman was out in austere cold.

Tony Crafter with:
'It's Complicated' =
It compiled cast.

Adie Pena with:
The movies of Fellini =
O, I love the fine films!

Adie Pena with:
Watching Leno bit on air, then ~
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien."

Meyran Kraus with:
Hosts Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien =
So, only one can earn this job.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Author Jodi Picoult: "My Sister's Keeper" =
I typed "Justice stops leukemia horror"

View with:
The Old Man and the Sea =
Honest hand-made tale.

Rosie Perera with:
The Soup Nazi from "Seinfeld" =
Zealot of hip friends' menus.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Best actor in a leading role =
I get billed to earn an Oscar

David Bourke with:
The jazz guitarist/singer George Benson =
The Ibanez nigger just triggers a snooze!

Tony Crafter with:
The Golden Globe Awards Ceremony, California. =
Celebrities all come. Why? For a gong and a drone!

Adie Pena with:
Cameron's "Avatar" in Three-D =
Screen a hotter Na'vi drama!

Adie Pena with:
The Leno and O'Brien fiasco =
NBC retained a foolish one!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Director James Cameron's blockbuster film "Avatar" =
Fond critic: "Remarkable! Master cast! Marvelous job!"

Adie Pena with:
Avatar is the top-grossing motion picture ever =
Pure hit proves Cameron's at it; got great vision!

Meyran Kraus with:
Director James Cameron =
Set major cinema record.

Tom Myers with:
St. Trinian's =
Tarts in sin.

Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet: 'Impression Sunrise (Soleil Levant)' =
Men could see its promise in natural loveliness.

Adie Pena with:
The American Idol song "Pants on the Ground" =
So I condemn a horrendous thing -- a Gen. Platt!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY [41 nominations]

Dharam Khalsa with:
We fear more plane blast alerts in the year 2010 =
Are we really a lot safer than in September 2001?

Rick Rothstein with:
Ian Stafford, resigns as the Mayor of Preesall =
He stole panties off ordinary farm gals' arses.

Dan Fortier with:
Burj Dubai is so tall! =
Arab oil just builds.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Magnificent Mile" in Chicago, Illinois =
Ice limiting the social life on N. Michigan.

Adie Pena with:
Christmas Day, a Northwest Airlines plane to Detroit =
That incident was a remote terrorist's holiday plans!

Tony Crafter with:
Topless Tiger ~
lost prestige.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Africa Cup of Nations =
A pitch unsafe for action?

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The No-Pants Subway Ride =
Why one's butt parades in.

Adie Pena with:
Sarah Palin, a TV news commentator? =
That woman's crap is a normal event!

David Bourke with:
Labour's General Election strategy =
Obscenely larger State regulation.

Adie Pena with:
Global warming and climate change issues =
Al Gore succeeds again whilst blaming man.

David Bourke with:
A compulsive Labour liar =
Our saviour Ali Campbell.

Meyran Kraus with:
Devastating Haiti earthquake =
Ravaged, it has taken quite a hit.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Haiti disaster =
It hit...a tear is shed.

Rosie Perera with:
Panic erupted at this nation over ~
the devastation in Port-au-Prince.

Adie Pena with:
Port Au Prince, Haiti =
Caution: A ripper hit!

Dharam Khalsa with:
We must provide assistance for Port-au-Prince, Haiti =
Racist Rush or fanatic Pat deprive emotions - wise up!

Meyran Kraus with:
A tragedy in Haiti =
It hit a dying area.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Haitian disaster =
I hear that aid is sent.

Adie Pena with:
A "Mr Gay China" is cancelled by police =
Chic and campy nice boys are illegal!

Dharam Khalsa with:
This Monday is Martin Luther King Jr's birthday =
Just a kindly man's tiny dream, or his birthright?

Rosie Perera with:
I offer charity to serve ~
Haiti recovery efforts.

Rosie Perera with:
Humanitarian aid =
Haiti in a U.N. drama.

Adie Pena with:
Japan Airlines files for bankruptcy =
In brief, planes lack January profits?

David Bourke with:
Holiday Inn offers a trial human bed-warming service =
Warning: Hilton favour a dynamic heiress, filmed bare.

David Bourke with:
Holiday Inn offers a trial human bed-warming service =
Lovely weather for finding a Russian chambermaid in!

Rosie Perera with:
The earthquake relief fundraiser =
Ah, requires I undertake the raffle.

David Bourke with:
The New Labour party are finished =
Brown the pariah in defeat, surely.

Rosie Perera with:
Britain has emerged from the recession? =
Here be some error in HMG stats, I fancied.

Adie Pena with:
Britain has emerged from the recession? =
She's free! No more debts in America, right?

Ellie Dent with:
Today, Wednesday, is the Holocaust Memorial Day =
May say I recall the way thousands doomed to die.

View with:
New Michael Jackson doll to be launched =
Lean model Jacko child can blow tunes, eh?

Tom Myers with:
Obama's State of the Union =
To Senate: "I am not 'Oaf' Bush"

Tom Myers with:
Economic stimulus =
Locus: communities.

Paul Pan with:
Holiday Inn offers a trial human bed-warming service =
A trim Rumanian blonde was fired for having icy heels.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Susan Boyle comes home to find an intruder =
Bonus inside house - model man Tony Crafter!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Defiant Mr. T Blair attends the Chilcot Inquiry =
"Truth behind Iraq conflict - namely, I started it!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
President Obama's first State of the Union address:=
1. Transition, as effort.
2. Business matters.
3. Added hope.

Rosie Perera with:
The mystery grows: What's in Salinger's safe? =
Gee...last writings, worthy freshman essays?

Rosie Perera with:
Susan Boyle comes home to find an intruder =
It's no handsome lusty beau come for dinner!

Meyran Kraus with:
Apple's presentation of its device, the iPad =
People react as if this event disappointed.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY [20 nominations]

Tony Crafter with:
(The notice board sign) 'COME TO CH**RCH! WHAT'S MISSING? UR!' =
Church's criticism bemoaning these rats who don't go!

Adie Pena with:
Senator Biden: "(He's) the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy." =
Barack Hussein Obama II is a great man; a cinch to win -- and it's gratefully arranged that I am then conferred "Second in Line."

Dharam Khalsa with:
Ah, should rain favour our faith, dry the foe's crops, or indeed fall evenly on ~
the sacred or profane, faithful or infidel, saved or unsaved, holy or unholy?

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news" =
Palin's pat words celebrated future of a load of bias at a TV news channel.

Paul Pan with:
Pat Robertson says Haiti paying for 'pact to the devil' =
Live proof that preacher's nasty. Pity. I bid, go to Satan!

Ellie Dent with:
This gent entered a bar and sat by this woman, huddled up, with this tatty mutt beside her. He said, "Your dog... does it bite?"
"Dean? No." =
He patted it, but it snarled and bit him. He said, " But you said your dog doesn't bite!" She answered, "He don't. That, there, isn't my dawg."

Adie Pena with:
The film, James Cameron's "Avatar," earns a billion dollars =
A brilliant L.A. craftsman's movie on a jarhead sells more!

Christopher Sturdy with:
"To read a poem in January is as lovely as to go for a walk in June." =
Jean-Paul Sartre -
A snow day
Look, a verse.
O! Joyful imagination.

David Bourke with:
Obese passengers to be charged double to fly with Air France =
So, broad frogs pay twice the single fee, then board? Sacre bleu!

David Bourke with:
Obese passengers to be charged double to fly with Air France =
Robbie Coltrane's body weight charged FOUR plane seat's fees!

David Bourke with:
Obese passengers to be charged double to fly with Air France =
Crew said: "So...anyone that's gobbled a triple cheeseburger...off!"

Rosie Perera with:
The Former United States Senator John Edwards of North Carolina =
O errant one! Just now admits he fathered tart's child for no reason.

Rosie Perera with:
Hope for Haiti Now - A Global Benefit for Earthquake Relief =
Fair Bono offering to help the bleak area for quite a while.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents think he's one, ~
and about three years after he thinks he so responsibly became one.

David Bourke with:
Obese passengers to be charged double to fly with Air France =
Sarah Ferguson got considerably clobbered with a steep fee!

Christopher Sturdy with:
His Highness, John 'celebrity pilot' Travolta went west unto Haiti to try feeding those poor dying sods... =
...and it is for what purpose? The very last thing they need right now is to join the bloody Scientologists!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Gold were as good as twenty orators,
And will, no doubt, tempt him to any thing." =
Midas wants only to gold-plate doorway trim, not his own begotten daughter!

Rosie Perera with:
Susan Boyle comes home (West Lothian) to find an intruder =
Yes, that infatuated snob Simon Cowell's nude in her room!

Dharam Khalsa with:
A cynic's stand: Far-right motives mirror Orwell's "Nineteen-Eighty-Four" passages.
=
Ministry of Truth slogan: "War is peace, Freedom is slavery, Ignorance is strength."

Adie Pena with:
"Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs," a three-D animated Sony film =
Hence, Flint and the chum Sam easily beat a world "food" calamity.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY [50 nominations]

View with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
How about some sex? I believe you never did it with earthlings. Let's front fear matter - screw backwards!

Tony Crafter with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Welcome, there, Eminent Visitor! Were you sent to fight, fix, breed with, or save all us backward bastards?

David Bourke with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
David Bourke: "We researched a lost, wise little being from Mars...with better syntax than View, of course!"

Larry Brash with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Whatever BS research it was we had, in future, do not ever stick two big flexible metal rods into my arse.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
We extend a warm welcome, visitors! Stay brothers, but get handkerchiefs to avoid a terrible swine flu!

David Bourke with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
I swear them Daleks off BBC Television's 'Doctor Who' adventure were but always right, sir! - "Exterminate!!"

Adie Pena with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
We aren't all oversexed like a bitch's had her first screw but if you want some, meet vibrant Tiger Woods.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
The crew came to retrieve its desire: the famous Alaskan ex-governor and wild Bristol? Why?! But, be swift!!

Rosie Perera with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Welcome to this Earth. Don't excavate its fuel, making us worry. We drivers with babes need barrels of it.

Dan Fortier with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Whew! You exist?! A shame! We'd trek over to the World Leader, but Obama's servicing brittle finances first!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Better show extended visa for Earth while we test your underwear's cavities for a small ticking bomb.

Rosie Perera with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Hey, what? Looking to visit Roswell, New Mexico, afterwards? Free advice: It's rather drab, but must be seen.

Rosie Perera with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
"Don't wait for that warm escort vehicle. We tax firms, we don't believe in you. Use ET's bike. Regards, L. Brash."

Dharam Khalsa with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
We'd embrace them as tourists, but first we'd verify wreckage is no silver-tinted weather balloon hoax!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
The brewer fixes warm ale, voted 'Month's Best Draft', over his worst wisecrack, "Bud, you ale-in'? Get it - alien?"

Larry Brash with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
We reckoned that you would be firsts: wise, vast, formidable, however a bit larger than six centimeters.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Aloha, welcome to Hawaii! Dear me, first we'd better get vivid flowery shirts, or next see sunburnt backs!

Rosie Perera with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Hi, bare invaders of Boston! We're very excited H.G. Wells' "War of the Worlds" came true. But isn't it a mistake?

Dharam Khalsa with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
"First you exit, carve weird marks in a field, disembowel cows' guts, then want to be brothers? Leave Earth!"

Don Fortier with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Visitor outfoxed Armstrong, scribbled "We've been here" with sad Kilroy face. Neil mutters "What a waste!"

Don Fortier with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
I think we'd avert a shooting war if we tried a curt, safe "Don't evict us, Beeblebrox. we're mostly harmless!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
"www.seti.org went beserk! You'd better fill the IRS tax form and visa, 'cause The MIB have to record aliens."

Hans-Peter Reich with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Know, I remember the first situation:
I saw wax-face Cher's worst 'Believe' and verbally stuttered "Oh God".

Adie Pena with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
"Howdy, visitors! Clean restrooms? Exit building... swerve westward... take a left tube before the main arch ..."

Adie Pena with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
"Off with the crew masks? NO! Beware! We're destructive devils. Our bad oxygen is lethal to Martian tribes!"

Don Fortier with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
We'd charter obese Star Trek sot William Shatner.
If he'd fail to survive...wow! - Nimoy gets barbecued next.

Dharam Khalsa with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
We'd revive worn classic, "Take me to your leader!" (theirs might be a bit wiser than ours) Next, we'd blast off!

Paul Pan with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Borat observes the chic UFO driver's firm green tits and killer butt: "Wawaweewa! Ah, let's do sexy time, no?"

Don Fortier with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
"To new friends : welcome aboard our blue marble! We're excited! Starving? Have the fish! It's tasty!" (It works!)

View with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Herbert Wells, and book 'The War of the Words' text, definite augury - clever, wee Marsians visit is combat!

Rosie Perera with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Wow, I'm a wee excited receiver! But I bet busy writer Adams reverts to: "So long and thanks for all the fish!"

Tony Crafter with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
You've been transmitting these bad field-circles to us? What for? We believed it was Mr. hoaxer's artwork!

Adie Pena with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Ask for my two worst Sci-Fi theatrical releases exhibited ever? Give 'E.T.,' 'Blade Runner' a two thumbs down!

Andrew Brehaut with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
The large-eared sixties hybrid Vulcan starcrew member avowed of others, "It's life, but not as we know it."

Rosie Perera with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
We've sent trucks, water, extra beds, film crews, a Bible for sermons.... What the devil are you doing to Haiti?!

Adrian Hickford with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?=
Daleks!
CHRIST! We're nervous... Gibberish, worldwide.
But the alien craft moves way too fast...

"EXTERMINATE!!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Excuse my brief version, but we'd be wiser to start to acknowledge warm vital life shared on this Earth.

Adie Pena with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Warm wishes, dear E.T.,
Want a tour of the Sin City;
Some lurid weekend sex;
A big revival of Bertolt Brecht's?

View with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Dear Friends! I so want to relax from this raving, wild sect, severest cobweb - Blue Earth! Take me with you!

Christopher Sturdy with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
What I'd want to know is how come UFO's fly. The terrible 'air saucer' design vexes me!
A bird travels better!

Dharam Khalsa with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
We'd interview the voyager at breakfast, "Is it true fresh New Mexico bomb dust led to a crash in Roswell?"

Rosie Perera with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
Whatever became of that Heaven's Gate cult? Did its followers risk duress, bribery, extermination...? Wow!

Dharam Khalsa with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings? =
It seems 'fair & balanced' Fox Network interviews the grey visitors, "Abduct the Obamas! We rule the world!"

Adie Pena with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Well, why visit a deserted New Mexico lot and not the favorite suburbs of America where Star Trek's big?

Ellie Dent with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Good Lord! Heavens! Well I never! But first, a brew, we take tea. Try the Fox biscuits... or Marmite sandwiches?

Larry Brash with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
We've little or no fear when attacking you, the rulers of weird excited bastards, with massive bombers.

David Bourke with:
What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
We reckon (if the little silver bastards visit)...a warm Bronx cheer as we said "Goodbye!"...then we turf 'em out!

Meyran Kraus with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
I'd bet the few swift remarks voiced would sorta be...
"ARRGH!!! ALIENS EXIST! EVERYONE, WATCH OUT!" (brain melts)

Ellie Dent with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
Do you ever text, Twitter? What is social address in Facebook? Bring new members? Whatever. Earth is full.

Meyran Kraus with:
"What do you believe Man's first words should be if we ever make contact with extra-terrestrial beings?" =
New vagrant - this better, wonder-world embraces faiths! Is your home wrecked? It's fixable... Leave it to us.

THE LONG CATEGORY [8 nominations]

Tony Crafter with:
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie', with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out to the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed out of the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'It looks like the Dixons are having company!'

'Gee! Freddie Dryden is riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Woodwards are moving!'

'Trevor Dowie is riding on his skateboard!

After a few moments he called out, 'The Williams' are screwing!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out 'Er... How do you know?'

'Davey Williams is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

=

ANNOYING COMPUTER FAULT.

I was having major problems communicating with my computer. So I rang Ashley Hunt, the ten-year-old boy next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him if he'd come over to help.

Ashley duly arrived, clicked on a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I asked him, 'So, what was wrong then, Ash?'

He replied, 'It was a basic ID ten T error, that's all.'

I didn't want to appear daft, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I have to go back to it again.'

Ashley grinned.... 'Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think maybe you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Ashley, the smartass little bastard.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A Texan cowboy stopped in at a restaurant following an unhurried day during his stay in Mexico.

While sipping a refreshing tequila, he eyed an impressive platter being served to a nearby table. Not only did it look scrumptious, the smell was wonderful!

He addressed the waiter, "Oh, sir..."

The waiter replied, "Yes?"

The clueless cowboy asked, "What is that dish you just served?"

"Ah, Señor," the server answered. "You have excellent taste! They are called Cojones de Toro, the 'oysters' from the bull fight this morning, considered a choice delicacy here."

The American cowboy, despite considering animal anatomy for a moment, ordered. "What the heck, bring me those!"

=

The diplomatic server explained, "I am so sorry, Señor. The kitchen cooks only one portion per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place an order, I will hold your dish."

The next day, the cowboy placed the order over his relaxing breakfast. That evening he sat down once again and was served his sole 'catch of the day'. After tasting just a few tender spicy bites, he was just not satiated and regarded his platter.

He called the waiter aside, whispering, "They were quite delicious, but much, much smaller than those I remember seeing you serve yesterday."

The waiter nodded, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Adie Pena with:
The teacher handed out to the children some Life Savers with little holes. They began to identify the flavors of the candies by their color.

"Red? Cherry!" Sue said.

"Orange? Obviously, this is Orange!" Molly proudly uttered.

"Yellow? It must be Lemon!" Pat declared too.

"Green? It could only be Lime!" Kathy cried out.

Finally, the teacher gave them all Honey-flavored Life Savers.

=

"It's Coffee? Beer?" Leo deduced.

"No."

The really behaved children confessed that they could not identify the taste.

The teacher then nostalgically said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

On the verge of vomiting, little Dolly looked up in horror, spit her Life Saver out and irreverently blabbered, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
Marriage Vows
'to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part'

=

Gamophobia (even lovers row)

Life's hard and seldom free of error;
Stood at altar lost for terror.
Hide nerves, don't panic, shrink or twitch
Or hard day's off without a hitch!

Dharam Khalsa with:
R.H. Tawney in "Keeping Left" (1950):

"Democracy is unstable as a political system as long as it remains a political system and nothing more, instead of being, as it should be, not only a form of government but a type of society, and a manner of life which is in harmony with that type. To make it a type of society requires an advance along two lines. It involves, in the first place, the resolute elimination of all forms of special privilege which favour some groups and depress others, whether their source be differences of environment, of education, or of pecuniary income. It involves, in the second place, the conversion of economic power, now often an irresponsible tyrant, into a servant of society, working within clearly defined limits and accountable for its actions to a public authority."

=

Have five vindictive members of the Supreme Court effectively killed off American democracy?

I quote a Spokane editorial analysis: "Can you imagine a political infrastructure owned and controlled by the mega-corporations?...Suddenly Halliburton controls National Public Radio. Walmart controls the planning...of small towns, because they own the elected candidates that allow such things to happen."

The Supreme Court is ratifying America; however, not many folks notice. Is the mission for America to become a Nation of We the People, By the Corporations, For the Corporations? A few sponsors, in profit motives, financing nominees with an affinity to obey?

I confess, it's a very terrifying vision of nonsense. If 1,950 sign petitions, will anyone there see? If it's yes, then get involved!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Another Senior Moment

An old friend of mine was eating her breakfast in a restaurant when she suddenly felt a desperate need to pass gas. The music was very, VERY loud, she said, so she timed her gas with the beat of the music.

=

Thanks to a symphony of farts (and her eye astigmatism), she felt better and finished her uneaten food, unaware a waitress had evacuated all the customers.

So, I guess she never did remember she was listening to her new iPod.

Meyran Kraus with:
Dear Ethan,

I read your letter in bed and my heart throbbed so hard it hurt! I adore you too, honey, but finishing the relationship was a mistake... I knew you'll come around and see that we are soul mates, though!
I felt so lost without you, Ethan. The flat I rented seemed so empty and cold and life seemed so hellish, but now I can simply move back in with you - so I'm ditching this place! I'm so happy I held on to your key, and I'm excited that I'll see my cute little Mittens soon... Give her a kiss from me.

I love you, my dear Ethan; You are the reason I still exist... And I certainly have to thank my sister for talking some sense into you! :)

Eternally Yours,
Jane

You wrote:

>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave
>you... I can't sleep
>or even eat, because
>I think you're quite
>amazing! I ask you to
>forget all about the
>past week and a half
>when I broke it off,
>and take this stupid
>knucklehead into your
>bed again. Please do!
>Thank god your sister
>made me realize that
>I was a total cretin
>when we were dating.
>We chatted at length
>and I have to agree,
>I think I'm in love!
>Do come back to me...
>
>Yours,
>Ethan

=

Hey Jane,

Look, you didn't read my previous e-mail right, okay? Seems half of it got truncated somehow. An ad must've blocked it. Here is the one that I sent you originally:

>Jane,
>I was a fool to leave my house key with
>you... I can't sleep in some nice motel
>or even eat, because my wallet's in there.
>I think you're quite senile. It's truly
>amazing! I ask you to return it, and you
>forget all about the damn thing like the
>past week and a half didn't happen. You see,
>when I broke it off, I meant it! Oh yeah,
>and take this stupid cat or I'll cram this
>knucklehead into your mailbox; it soiled my
>bed again. Please do. It's Satan's spawn!
>Thank god your sister took me in and also
>made me realize that I should've dated her!
>I was a total cretin not to notice her hints
>when we were dating. I made up for it now...
>We chatted at length after a night of sex,
>and I have to agree, she's WAY more bendy.
>I think I'm in love! You sure you're related?
>Do come back to me... about the key, that is.
>
>Yours,
>Ethan

P.S. Didn't I tell you this once before? You should really switch to a more reasonable e-mail service.

Ethan

Dharam Khalsa with:
One day, a son cockily asked his mother the following question: "What is the reason wedding dresses are white?"

The mother took a deep breath and replied, "Son, the traditional chiffon garment's whiteness is to show all your relatives and friends at the church that your chosen bride is as pure as the driven snow."=
Thanking his sweet-of-heart mother, the son couldn't resist verifying the lesson with his repairman father later that afternoon. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The bossy tattooed worker looked at his son, considered his query, and roared, "Son, because all household appliances come in white!"

Chauvinist!

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY [6 nominations]

Tony Crafter with:
EYE OF THE TIGER
By
Survivor

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

[Chorus:]
It's the eye of the tiger, it's
the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive

[Chorus]

Risin' up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

[Chorus]

The eye of the tiger
[Repeats to fade out]

=

YEAR OF THE TIGER

Twenty-Ten, decade of pain,
I don't know how we made it,
Terror, shock, the psychos hijacking planes,
It's a wonder that we have survived.
So many threats this Millennium,
They stalk our lives like a tiger,
Folks on the street, lookin' joyless and glum,
People strugglin' just to survive.

[Chorus]
It's the Year of the Tiger, no it's not Tiger Woods,
But the Chinese-myth symbol of strong courage,
Thus I'm trustin' that Right will then prevail as it should
And I'll fight for that right with the might of the tiger.

Take a trip, that's if you can,
Go off on that vacation,
Take my advice then, and stick to the land,
There's the threat you might die if you fly.

[Chorus]

Now you spot the people's mistrust
Sense that constant suspicion,
You hear them shout, "No, stop! We've suffered enough!"
Push that button, ignite... The Revival!

Yes...

The Year of the Tiger.

Yes!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Retired Husband

After he retired, I insisted that my husband accompany me on my midweek trips to the local Target store. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, I'm like most women - I wish to browse. Yesterday, without warning, I received the following letter from the Target manager:

Dear Mrs. Khalsa,

Over the past 6 months, your husband, Mr. Khalsa, has caused quite a commotion here in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are going to be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by the video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms off the shelf and stealthily dumped them in other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set twenty alarm clocks in the housewares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of diluted ketchup on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee, belched, and demanded in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to abandon her station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and money.

August 4: Went up to the Customer Service desk and tried to put 2 bags of M&Ms on layaway.

=

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign from tiles over to a carpeted area, laughing.

August 15: Got a tent set up in the camping department and told children he'd invite them to stay over if they would bring a mat, doughnuts, other sugar goodies, and fluffy blankets from the bedding department, which twenty of the children did.

August 23: When asked if he needed help, screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?" EMTs were called in.

September 4: Looked right into a security camera, transfixed, then used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

October 2: Darted around the store, suspiciously averting us, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.

October 5: In the automotive department, tested a taboo "Madonna look" by trying on a variety of similar pointy motor oil funnels.

October 7: Hid down in a jeans garment rack and when women browsed there, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

October 9: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he just assumed a fetal position and bawled "OH! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And the worst:
October 26: Went into a narrow fitting room, left the door ajar, squatted a while, then yelled very loudly from the room, "MA'AM, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!' Unfortunately, one of our clerks ran away.

In conclusion, Mrs. Khalsa, the Target staff members request that both you and your spouse stay away from our store in the future!

The management

Adie Pena with:
JANUARY MORN
Nelda Hartmann

Bare branches of each tree
on this chilly January morn
look so cold so forlorn.
Gray skies dip ever so low
left from yesterday's dusting of snow.
Yet in the heart of each tree
waiting for each who wait to see
new life as warm sun and breeze will blow,
like magic, unlock springs sap to flow,
buds, new leaves, then blooms will grow.

=

CRASH DIETS

Now show me the fat shadow,
Numbers off the scale augur.
Order cooks can never complain,
I'm a screwed up doer!
Ineffable horror is my look;
Whale blubber's more than a ton!
Jelly roll sins, Twinkie offences?
Holiday warrants are now gone!
Gazing into a bowl of crystal,
Will serve nothing they say...
Jello fillings or steak wanted?
We now must repay!

Tony Crafter with:
The doctor entered the wardroom and said 'Ah, hello Roger, I'm glad you have regained consciousness. You probably don't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a nasty crash on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything seems fine, but I'm afraid there's some rather bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can...

Your willy was chopped off in the crash and we weren't able to find it.'

Roger groaned (as he would!) and the doctor went on, 'We've just checked your health insurance and found that you actually have nine-thousand pounds compensation due, and the good news is that we have the technology to build you a new willy that'll work just as well as the old one, if not better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's one thousand pounds per inch.'

Roger perked up a little at this (as he would!)

'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor said, "you just need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch willy before and decide to opt for a nine inch one now, she might be somewhat alarmed. However, if you had a nine-incher before and decide to opt for a five-incher now, she might be a little bit, well... disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help make the right decision.'

So Roger agreed that he'd talk with his wife.

The doctor returned the next day. 'Well, Roger?' he asked, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' replied Roger.

'And has she helped you to decide?'

'She has,' he nodded.

'And what's the decision?' asked the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

=

A VERY SPOOKY CAR

This story happened a good while ago in Ireland. It may seem fictitious yet, allegedly, it is true.

John, a Dublin City University student, was out by the side of a gloomy country road hitchhiking on a dark night, in the middle of a vicious storm. It was so bad he could only see a few feet ahead.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come towards him... and stop. Desperate for a shelter and without consciously thinking about it, John climbed into the car and closed the door.... only to see it was unoccupied. Nobody was behind the wheel... and the engine wasn't running!

As the car slowly commenced moving again, he peered at the wet road ahead and saw a curve looming up. He started to worry for his life but... as the car was about to meet the curve, a disembodied hand came out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

Paralysed with fear, he continued to watch the eerie hand, yet it never touched or tried to hurt him.

Soon, he saw the lights of a pub in the distance, so, summoning up his courage, he hastily dived out of the car and ran for his life.

Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started to tell everybody about his awful experience.

A deep silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and was not drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like him, were also soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John weeping by the bar, one said to the other. 'Look ye there, McCoy. See? It's that fookin' idiot who got in our car while we were pushing it!

Dharam Khalsa with:
National Anthem of Vegetariana
by Lloyd Elkin Brown

Listen up! all you stalking ears of corn!
Open your eyes, ye Irish Taters, to a vision of good health!
I used to be carnivorous, but I gave it up for Lentils,
and now all young sprouts keep telling me I haven't bean myself.

But I'm ready now to take on ALL cucumbers,
To turnip any leeks in advance.
Let's carrot out our plan to form a more perfect onion,
To beet the system, and give peas a chance!

=

Hymn of Farm Folk and Farm Fun of Old
(unknown)

Neighbors* congregate,
Honorably* associate,
Soberly meditate,
Consciously elevate.

Known to motivate,
Instantly invigorate,
Supposedly, activate
To passionately participate.

Sunburnt men germinate,
Hoe, plough, cultivate,
Laboriously irrigate,
Ravenously salivate.

Bonneted women celebrate,
Thankfully appreciate,
Resolutely resonate,
Housekeep, or subordinate.

* + 'u' in London

Meyran Kraus with:
[Below is a Shakespeare sonnet with some relevance to this recent tragedy, anagrammed into another sonnet which contains an initial-letters acrostic of a fitting phrase. There's also another constraint, detailed below it.]

A Sonnet by William Shakespeare

When I have seen by Time's fell hand defaced
The rich proud cost of outworn buried age;
When sometime lofty towers I see down-razed
And brass eternal slave to mortal rage;
When I have seen the hungry ocean gain
Advantage on the kingdom of the shore,
And the firm soil win of the watery main,
Increasing store with loss and loss with store;
When I have seen such interchange of state,
Or state itself confounded to decay;
Ruin hath taught me thus to ruminate,
That Time will come and take my love away.
This thought is as a death, which cannot choose
But weep to have that which it fears to lose.

=

[The anagram is also based entirely on a saying by Persian prophet Bahaullah, which it also quotes down every 3rd-to-last word:]

One Avid Vow To Come Together Soon

How strong are winds when they so gaily thrash,
And savage waves, how powerful their crash!
In tense, uneasy times, what is the shield
That saves us from this fate the Heavens wield?
I'd like to think that we can light the way
Despite the bad commotion of each day
Once we achieve the unity of hearts...
No force would fade that gleam that it imparts.
As our keen union grows, it can reclaim
The Elements and show they can be tamed;
Its fair rays can illuminate the night -
Once scattered brothers of the globe unite!
No rain, nor blazes of the whole damn sun
Should damage us if we're on Earth as one.

["So powerful is the light of unity, that it can illuminate the whole Earth."]

Count of Nominations by Author

= Nom in all categories (not counting Rude & Unspecified)

Dharam Khalsa	36	(gen 4, ent, top 6, ppl 3, oth 2, med 4, lng 4, spc 2, awc 10)
Adie Pena	33	(gen 2, ent 6, top 7, ppl 4, oth 2, med 3, lng, spc, awc 6, rud)
Rosie Perera	24	(gen 3, ent, top 7, ppl 2, oth, med 3, awc 7)
Christopher Sturdy	16	(gen 4, ent, top, ppl 3, oth, med 2, lng, awc 2, rud)
David Bourke	16	(ent, top 5, ppl, med 4, awc 3, rud 2)
Meyran Kraus	15	(gen 2, ent 2, top 5, oth, lng, spc, awc 2, rud)
Tony Crafter	14	(gen, ent 2, top, ppl, oth, med, lng, spc 2, awc 2, rud 2)
View	12	(gen 2, ent, top, ppl 3, oth, awc 3, rud)
Andrew Brehaut	9	(gen 2, ent, oth 4, awc, rud)
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons	8	(gen, top 2, ppl, oth 2, med, awc)
Paul Pan	7	(gen, top, ppl 2, oth, med, awc)
Ellie Dent	6	(gen, ent, top, med, awc 2)
Tom Myers	6	(gen 3, ent, top 2)
Larry Brash	5	(gen, awc 3, rud)
Don Fortier	5	(oth, awc 4)
Rick Rothstein	4	(gen, top, rud 2)
Dan Fortier	3	(top, awc, rud)
Adrian Hickford	2	(oth, awc)
Ed Pegg Jr	2	(gen 2)
Scott Gardner	1	(ent)
Wayne Baisley	1	(rud)
Zoran Radisavlevic	1	(gen)
Hans-Peter Reich	1	(awc)

The Anagrammy Awards

Current Nominations for January, 2010 [227]

THE GENERAL CATEGORY [31 nominations]