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There was a young lady at sea,
Who said, "It is so hard to pee;"
"Indeed," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser and me!"

A satiated tart on a yacht,
Had cystitis and went to a doc;
"Ah dear patient," peered he,
"I do see from this wee,
A huge surplus of seamen - that's hot!"


I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see crooked men filch out of greed
While poor men beg for what they need
And I think to myself what a godawful world.

I see misery, sin, unkind robbery
Ethnic enmity, the hated tyranny
And I think to myself what a godawful world.

The money-hungry companies that search for hidden oil
Are also renowned for the ability to despoil
I see bloodshed, sorrow, layoffs at work
All because of Bush gone berserk

I see stores with only trash on their shelves
I hear rednecks yelling "Go $%#^ yourselves"
And I think to myself what a godawful world
Yes I think to myself what a godawful world.





3 This booklet tells you what to do in an emergency
4 General advice about what to do in an emergency
6 Coping with specific emergencies
10 What to do if you're not at home
12 Basic First Aid
14 Preparing for an emergency
16 Helping to prevent a terrorist attack
18 What's being done to protect the UK?
20 Emergency contact details
21 Things to remember
22 Order form

The material used in this publication is constituted from 75% post consumer waste and 25% virgin fibre

this booklet tells you what to do in an emergency

"The Emergency Planning Society believes that this booklet provides valuable and common sense advice for the public, that can easily be adapted for use in many domestic situations. The fact that every home will have this advice can only be a good thing."
- Debbie Spargo, Chief Executive of the Emergency Planning Society

The Government is working hard to make sure that the UK is as prepared as it can be in the event of an emergency, and it is important that you are ready too. By being informed and prepared, you can significantly reduce the risk to life and property. This booklet will tell you how you can help yourself and your family in emergencies. A lot of this information is based on common sense advice and may seem obvious or familiar to you, but it has saved lives in the past. It will also let you know what has been done to prepare and protect our country in recent years. If you need alternative language versions or formats, please complete the form at the back of the booklet. You can also download more copies of this booklet at and find many useful links to partner sites for more information.

general advice about what to do in an emergency

If you find yourself in the middle of an emergency, your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do. However, it is important to:

  • Make sure 999 has been called if people are injured or if there is a threat to life
  • Not put yourself or others in danger
  • Follow the advice of the emergency services
  • Try to remain calm and think before acting, and try to reassure others
  • Check for injuries - remember to help yourself before attempting to help others

If you are not involved in the incident, but are close by or believe you may be in danger, in most cases the advice is:

  • Go inside a safe building
  • Stay inside until you are advised to do otherwise
  • Tune in to local radio or TV for more information

Of course, there are always going to be particular occasions when you should not "go in" to a building, for example if there is a fire. Otherwise: GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN.

Go in, Stay in, Tune in

The GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN advice is recognised and used around the world. It was developed by the independent National Steering Committee on Warning and Informing the Public as being the best general advice to give people caught up in most emergencies.

Tune in
There is an agreement with radio and TV companies that if there is a major emergency they will interrupt programming to give public safety advice and information about the incident, so that when you TUNE IN locally or nationally anywhere in the UK you'll get the advice you need.

coping with specific emergencies
The emergency services are trained to cope with a wide range of emergency situations, but there is a lot that you can do to help them and yourself.

Fire prevention and safety

  • Reduce fire hazards in your home
  • Fit and maintain smoke alarms
  • at least one on every floor
  • Most fire deaths and injuries occur while people are sleeping. Plan an escape route should a fire break out at night
  • If there is a fire, get out, stay out and call 999
  • Never use the lift
  • If moving or trapped in smoke stay close to the floor where the air is cleaner
  • If a door feels hot, do not open it, as it probably means there is a fire on the other side
  • Remember
  • never re-enter your home until the Fire and Rescue Service has made it safe

"Do not wait until a fire occurs to think about it. Act now. Nearly all fires are preventable. You can get further practical, easy to follow advice on preventing fires and protecting your home from your local fire station."
- Alan Doig, President of the Chief and Assistant Chief Fire Officers' Association

If there is a bomb warning at your place of work, follow the advice of those in charge. If a bomb goes off in your building, look for the safest way out.

If you are trapped in debris:

  • Stay close to a wall and tap on pipes so that rescuers can hear you
  • Do not use matches or lighters in case of gas leaks

If a bomb goes off outside your building, stay inside (away from windows, lifts and outer doors) in case there is a second bomb in the area.

If you saw the explosion, stay in the area in a safe place and tell the police what you saw.

The Fire and Rescue Service has become equipped in recent years to decontaminate large numbers of people quickly. This involves showering with soap and water and then dressing in temporary clothing that would be provided. It is important that this takes place where the incident happened so that other areas, including homes, are not contaminated. If necessary you would also be assessed by health service personnel.

Chemical, biological or radiological (CBR) incident

  • Move away from the immediate source of danger
  • But wait for the emergency services to arrive and examine you and, if necessary, decontaminate you
  • If you go home untreated you could contaminate others and make any incident worse

If there is a major power cut, turn off electrical appliances that will automatically switch on when power is restored - if several restart at once, they may overload the system. TUNE IN to local radio for advice and updates using a battery powered radio.

In all of these situations - keep calm, think before you act and listen to the advice of the emergency services.

Emergency plans exist in all areas of the UK The police, fire and ambulance services have tried and tested plans for responding to incidents, from fires to explosions, whether they are at your home, your school or affecting transport networks.

Health and hospitals Emergency equipment, vaccines and antibiotics are stored around the UK and are quickly available to doctors.

Emergency planning exercises
Every year, many exercises are held involving the emergency services and all agencies responsible for recovery. These exercises practise our response to a range of emergencies, including terrorism, by testing our preparedness.

what to do if you're not at home of your children

If your children are at school you will naturally want to collect them as soon as possible in the event of a major emergency. But it may not be safe to do so. Please TUNE IN to your local radio station for advice and for details of the arrangements your local council has made for letting parents know when to collect their children from school.

All schools have plans to cope with local emergencies such as fire and flood, and teachers and support staff do all they can to look after the pupils in their charge. You can find out more about school emergency planning from

safety and security at work...

Employers have a responsibility for the safety and security of their staff. All businesses should have arrangements in place to deal with the impact of a major incident or disaster. Make sure you understand what you need to do in an emergency at work. If you are a business, for advice on emergency planning go to

basic first aid

"By being prepared and understanding the basics of First Aid, the public can be of great help until the emergency services arrive to take over - it helps save lives."
- Liam Donaldson, Chief Medical Officer

Knowing what to do in an emergency is vitally important. Consider getting some First Aid training and a First Aid kit, and familiarise yourself with how to deal with some of the more common situations opposite. If someone is injured, the following steps will keep them as safe as possible until professional help arrives:

  • If people are seriously injured call 999 immediately
  • Keep calm
  • Make sure you and the injured person are not in danger
  • Assess the injured person carefully and act on your findings using the basic First Aid steps opposite
  • remember, these are not a complete First Aid guide
  • Keep an eye on the injured person's condition until the emergency services arrive

If the person is unconscious with no obvious sign of life, call 999 and ask for an ambulance. If you or any bystander has the necessary skills, give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while you wait for the emergency services.

Control severe bleeding by applying firm pressure to the wound using a clean, dry dressing and raise it above the level of the heart. Lay the person down, reassure them, keep them warm and loosen tight clothing.

For all burns, cool with water for at least 10 minutes. Wrap the affected part in clingfilm, do not apply dry dressings, keep the patient warm and call an ambulance.

Broken bones
Try to avoid as much movement as possible.

If you'd like more information or advice, go to or

preparing for an emergency - what you can do

To prepare for an emergency, you should take time to find out:

  • Where and how to turn off water, gas and electricity supplies in your home
  • The emergency procedures for your children at school
  • The emergency procedures at your workplace
  • How your family will stay in contact in the event of an emergency
  • If any elderly or vulnerable neighbours might need your help
  • How to tune in to your local radio station

If you are at home and an emergency happens, try to gather together:

  • A list of useful phone numbers, such as your doctor's and close relatives'
  • Home and car keys
  • Toiletries, sanitary supplies and any regularly prescribed medication
  • A battery radio, with spare batteries
  • A torch with spare batteries, candles and matches
  • A First Aid kit
  • Your mobile phone
  • Cash and credit cards
  • Spare clothes and blankets

Also, it is always useful to have:

- Bottled water, ready-to-eat food (e.g. tinned food) and a bottle/tin opener, in case you have to remain in your home for several days

In certain very unlikely situations, you may be asked to leave your home by the emergency services. If this happens, leave as quickly and calmly as possible. And, if you have time:

  • Turn off electricity, gas and water supplies, unplug appliances and lock all doors and windows
  • See the items listed above for what to take with you
  • If you leave by car, take bottled water and blankets, and tune in to local radio for emergency advice and instructions

When you are told that it is safe to return home, open windows to provide fresh air before reconnecting gas, electricity and water supplies.

helping to prevent a terrorist attack

"All information received by the hotline is researched and investigated before any police action is taken. Let us decide whether the information you have is valuable or not. We still very much need your help to reduce the danger posed by terrorists. Indeed, a number of serious terrorist crimes have been thwarted thanks to the eyes and ears of the public.
- Peter Clarke, Deputy Assistant Commissioner
ACPO National Co-ordinator of Terrorist Investigations

You can call the Police Anti-Terrorism Hotline on 0800 789 321. All calls will be treated in confidence. If you believe there is an immediate threat to life, call 999.

Possible signs of terrorism

You may have vital information. If you hear, see or come across anything that may be linked with terrorist activity, please tell the police. They want to hear from you.

Terrorists need...
A place to live: Are you suspicious about any tenants or guests?

To plan:
Have you seen anyone pay an unusual amount of attention to security measures at any location?

Individuals may set up bogus bank accounts, copy credit cards, return goods for large cash refunds.

If you are a retailer, do you have any cause to be suspicious about anything being bought?

Our ability to prevent a terrorist attack does not depend on the authorities alone. How well we cope also depends on you.

Links to useful information and advice can be found at

"Countering terrorism is MI5's highest priority. Working closely with our law enforcement and intelligence partners, we strive to keep the UK safe and make it difficult for terrorists to operate here. But public vigilance, good sense and co-operation are just as important and essential components of the UK's response as a whole."
Eliza Manningham-Buller, Director General of the Security Service (MI5)

Keep alert
Terrorist bomb attacks mostly happen in public places, especially where people gather or travel.

  • Be vigilant
  • Look out for suspicious behaviour, vehicles or packages
  • Do not hesitate to tell the police

Government policy on terrorism
Public safety is our first priority in all decisions about public information or warnings. It is the Government's policy to issue warnings when the public can take action in response to a specific or credible threat. Such warnings will also provide further information that will help the public respond effectively.

what's being done to protect the UK?

The police, fire and ambulance services are specially trained to deal with major emergencies and have specialist equipment to cope with a whole range of incidents. If necessary, military assistance can be called on by the Government and the emergency services.

There is now increased baggage and passenger screening at UK airports, and where appropriate UK aircraft carry plain-clothes police. Stronger cockpit doors have also been fitted to all sizeable aircraft.

We have also installed state-of-the-art surveillance systems at ports and traffic entry points into the UK. Also, all transport operators have emergency plans to evacuate you safely from their services if there is an emergency.

To check on the safety of a particular destination or country, ask your travel agent or the Foreign & Commonwealth Office at or call 0870 606 0290.

UK improvements
Over the last three years security around vital national resources such as water, energy and transport systems has been improved, safety advice given to potentially vulnerable businesses and locations, and laws toughened to make it more difficult for terrorists to operate here.

A lot of this work has to remain secret so potential terrorists don't get useful information.

The UK has had to live with the threat of terrorism for many years and the emergency services have well established plans and procedures in place to deal with a wide range of events. The Government has a comprehensive programme of work to improve the response to a range of disruptive emergencies that might affect the UK, not only terrorism. It aims to ensure we are able to respond to emergencies at the national, regional and local level, and to make sure that the essential services (food, water, transport, health, financial services etc) keep operating.

emergency contact details
You may find it useful to complete these contact details and keep them somewhere safe. You should be able to find these numbers in your local telephone directory.


Telephone Number

Emergency Services


NHS Direct

0845 4647

Anti-Terrorism Hotline

0800 789 321

Foreign & Commonwealth Office

0870 606 0290

Local Police Station

Local Authority




Local Radio Station
Frequency (see local press for details)

For more information onpreparing for emergencies see

If you are involved in any emergency it is important to:

  • Make sure 999 has been called if people are injured or if there is a threat to life
  • Not put yourself or others in danger
  • Follow the advice of the emergency services
  • Try to remain calm and think before acting and try to reassure others
  • Check for injuries
  • remember to attend to yourself before attempting to help others

If you are not involved in an accident but are close by or believe you may be in danger, in most cases the advice is: GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN.

For further information you can visit

Tear off this page and keep it somewhere safe for your reference.

© Crown Copyright 2003. The text in this document may be reproduced free of charge in any format or media without requiring specific permission. This is subject to the material not being used in a derogatory manner or in a misleading context. The source of the material must be acknowledged as Crown Copyright and the title of the document must be included when being reproduced as part of another publication or service.

order form
To order more copies of this booklet, translations or alternative formats, fill out this form, cut out where marked and post to

Preparing For Emergencies,
Freepost CN2223
Croydon CR9 4WZ

Or you can call 0800 88 77 77 or textphone 08000 859 859

Please write the number of copies you want next to your choice eg. 1 (maximum 5)

English/Audio tape/Large print/Braille/Welsh/Bengali/


You can also download more copies of this booklet at
Versions of the leaflet in Greek, Kurdish, Farsi, Turkish
and Hindi are also available on this website.




3 A very nice, reassuring message from our beloved leader
4 Stating the bleedin' obvious
6 In the event the shit *does* ever hit the fan
10 Teaching your grandmother to suck eggs
12 Basic First Aid
14 General advice about what to do in emergencies
16 Help to prevent a terrorist attack
18 What is being done to protect the UK?
20 Emergency contact details
21 Things we'd much rather you forget about, frankly.
22 Voting form

Advice given in this free publication is reconstituted from 0.5% recycled hot air and 99.5% patronising waffle.

The booklet tells you what to do in an emergency ('cos of course, we really *like* telling you what to do).

"Downing Street believes the booklet marginally increases Labour's chances of being re-elected for a third term".
- Charles Clarke, Labour Party Chairman

A very nice, reassuring message from our beloved leader:

"Look,, er...see, it isn't like, you know... I actually *want* to scare the crap out of you, or because I want you to go into a mad panic of fear, or anything like that, goodness me no, but I, er...cripes! I, er...suppose it *was* me that got us into this dangerous mess with my shameless sucking-up to American president George W. Bush, and so know...I thought that OK, yes...we may indeed be the second most despised country on the face of our planet, but hey, come on...I believe you really shouldn't let teensy-weensy little nitpicking mere details like that worry you, and in the event that the grim reaper doesn't actually call, and you *don't* all keel over, or get blown to smithereens by Al-Qaida or their cruel, evil associates, you, the British electorate, you know ..look back and thank my Labour Government for producing this, er...helpful and, I feel, enormously interesting leaflet, and can show their true gratitude to me by standing shoulder-to- shoulder and voting me President of a Federal Europe. (Preen!). Carry on, everyone, stay cool! Thank you."

His Serene Highness the Right Honourable Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, MP. - Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service. (Dictated from a sunlounger on Silvio Berlusconi's yacht).

"Having no real proper policies of my own yet, I merely endorse these comments". - Michael 'Something Of The Night' Howard, Leader of the Opposition.

Stating the bleedin' obvious:

If you don't eat (ie: food), you might get a bit hungry.

If you don't drink (ie: water), you might get a bit thirsty.

Doors need keys.

Torches need batteries.

The emergency services are trained to deal with emergency incidents.

Hospitals contain medicines, and even people to administer them.
(But not, unfortunately, within 45 minutes).

We would advise, as a general rule of thumb, that you do not practise your circus fire-breathing act whilst in the vicinity of a chip-pan full of boiling oil. Fatalities are quite likely indeed. If practical, do not remain in a fire. They are dangerous, are rather hot, and there is a risk of being very severely burnt, you know.

The National Office of Statistics and Guesswork have advised us that a terrorist massacre is somewhere about in the region of between circa 17.9 and 29.2 times more likely in Oxford Street in the middle of a rush hour than an attack at four in the morning on the Isle of Arran. (Not that we are trying to worry the Isle of Arran inhabitants, of course. Somewhere of a substantially similar geography and demography would do for these purposes of the comparison).

In the event the shit *does* ever hit the fan
Put your head between your knees, pray, and kiss your arse goodbye. (Please fill out the voting page at the back of the leaflet first).

"Hey, are you lookin' at me, pal?".
- John 'Two Jags' Prescott MP, Deputy Prime Minister and First Secretary of State. (Overheard in 'The Battered Flounder' fish 'n' chip shop in Kingston-upon-Hull).

By producing this leaflet, the government reveals that it is seemingly more interested in spending at least the official figure of about 8.3 million of your money on a project that may, in the event of an apocalyptic terrorist attack, save a handful of lives, when the same amount of money spent combatting the MRSA bug in hospitals would save many thousands of lives.

More free nuggets of well-meant governmental advice can be seen at:
(Don't tell 'em your name, Pike!)

Teaching your grandmother to suck eggs

"The sacrifices and sheer bravery of the British people saw us through our darkest hour during the Blitz. Um, I suppose that a terrorist air attack might be like that. Only a bit different. Or something. Er, we've been in power for seven years now, you know".
- The Right Honourable Geoffrey Hoon MP, UK Secretary of State for (Sitting on De)fence.

"Er, I'd like some more classic-styled 300-pounds-a-roll poncy velvet wallpaper for my ostentatious aristocratic pad again, please!"
- Lord Chancellor, Lord Derry Irvine.

Basic First Aid

In the (extremely unlikely, of course) eventuality of a large hijacked aeroplane ever being deliberately flown by terrorists into the side of a very tall building (or, indeed a Dome), the most advisable specific course of action is to cover the patient, if not conscious, and place jewellery, keys, loose change, fillings, etc. into an envelope, and post these to the next-of-kin.

Loss of limbs (caused by flying bits of fuselage, etc.): Place the, we mean a recovery position, if necessary propping-up with severed feet. Stem the flow of blood with circular pieces of sticky-back plastic of a colour and pattern of your choosing (cut with a blunt-nosed pair of plastic scissors - it might be safest to get mummy or daddy to help you here, just in case). Construct some replica prosthetic limbs out of empty washing-up liquid bottles, toilet roll tubes, and any leftover pieces of sticky-back plastic. Here's one we made earlier. (Get down, Shep!).

(Caused again by flying bits of fuselage, or in the event of governmental non-compliance with monetary or political demands following kidnapping by radical terrorist cells, anti-Western African militia groups, or Mujahideen "freedom fighters"): As above, but construct a replacement head out of papier-mache. You will need: A balloon, a tape measure, several sheets of newspaper, a water-based broad chisel-tipped felt marker pen (to draw a face), crepe paper for new eyes, some wallpaper paste, a sieve, a wooden spoon, and a bowl of warm water. (In case of interruption of water supplies by a major catastrophe, do keep a jug of water under the kitchen sink specifically for the purpose). Do not, of course, forget to inflate the balloon before building-up these layers of papier-mache around it by blowing into it. (Papier- mache or crepe may also be useful for performing emergency skin grafts, ie: should you, or any member of your family, or any of your friends get horribly disfigured by burning aviation fuel cascading down the building). Once it is fully dry, use some non- toxic pastel crayons or watercolour paints to match up the papier- mache to the patient's race/skin tone, or as close as is reasonably possible (ie: Caucasian white, creamy-yellow, peach pink, Asiatic ochre, cerise, mediterranean olive, caramel, sepia, Hawaiian copper, puce, strawberry, tomato, cocoa, coffee, deep chocolate, maori charcoal, green...whatever!).

"Try not to make a mess of the carpet, there's a good boy! (Or girl, please don't take this as a gender-specific comment)".
- Patricia Hewitt MP, Secretary of State for Trade & Industry and Minister for Women.

General advice about what to do in emergencies:

If you should find yourself in the middle of terrorist atrocities, your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do. Alternatively, you could always foolishly choose to stand around reading this leaflet as huge great chunks of masonry, ceilings, and twisted steel come tumbling down around you. Your choice. (We would not generally advise that you take the latter course of emergency crisis action).

Go in, Stay in, Tune in

Our GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN advice was developed over several rounds of Theakston's Old Peculier by a couple of blokes down a pub as being the best general advice to give to any poor innocent people unfortunate enough to be trapped on the upper floors of a burning skyscraper.

More practical anti-terrorism information is available at:

(The Government Real Ale Steering Committee is of course aware that Old Peculier is a beer, not a lager).

Tune in
There is an agreement with TV companies that if there is a specific major emergency scare, they will consider interrupting programming to screen appropriate public safety advice, even if 'Big Brother', 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!', 'Coronation Street' or 'EastEnders' is on at the time.

Remember - never re-enter your house until greedy American corporations that do not mind bunging the Republican administration a mere few million dollars have secured and completed a lucrative contract to rebuild it.

If you see an explosion, go to a safe place, and make an international phone call back here to the UK to tell the police what you saw.

Help to prevent a terrorist attack:

In the first instance, every other democracy agrees, do not invade, sorry, liberate countries from the repressive dictatorial jackboot without proper backing (ie: United Nations Security Council resolutions).

If a man with a very long beard, on a camel, answering to the name of Osama Bin Laden knocks on your front door, we would recommend you don't open it. Request some form of official identification before inviting him in for a cup of tea or coffee.


Free advice to reduce the chance of maiming or severe death to yourself or others:

When travelling in public, according to the National Office of Statistics and Guesswork you should carry a bomb with you at all times. See, what actually are the odds of two of these things being in the same carriage at the same time?

Specific Republican terrorism information (to be sure) for people who live in the Kilburn or Cricklewood area:
If you see a man staggering down the High Road, singing "The Mountains Of Mourne" or "I'll Take You Home Again Kathleen" at the top of his voice, with a pig under one arm, and a crate of Semtex under the like bejasus!

What is being done to protect the UK?

Fear not! Nice, strong steel doors have been fitted to all asylum seeker detention centres.

Our very clever TOP SECRET cunning plan (ie: "Operation Osama"): Not carrying an I.D. card here will soon be deemed a serious criminal offence, so every terrorist foe will have to apply to the Home Office for one...and then, you see, our fearless cops can stealthily creep up and arrest every single one of them! Ingenious!

The British Red Cross has banned nativity scenes, Christmas trees or decorations with Christian symbols from their charity shops in case these could offend Muslims and other non-Christians.

The Daily Mail have printed an article entitled
"How To Feng Shui Your Nuclear Bunker"

Finsbury Park Mosque has been closed, and we are thinking about agreeing to deport Abu Hamza to the United States of America, where they want to fry his A-rab butt too.

The Sangatte Illegal Immigrant Refugee Camp near Calais, France, has been closed by French State Authorities after immense pressure from the British Government, after tens of thousands of terrorist criminal thieves and murderers swarmed through the Channel Foot Tunnel.

At a time of heightened tension, the Government are planning to close some Royal Air Force bases and disband many army regiments. (On the positive side, this could theoretically mean there are many more personnel now free to assist standard emergency services' needs in the event of a catastrophic terrorist incident).

In the specific event of a severe (ie: 'Nine-Eleven' style) terrorist attack on the United Kingdom, rest assured that all key cabinet members will immediately be safely evacuated to a Command-and- Control Centre in the hills of Tuscany. (Assuming of course, that they're not already there).

When we win the war on terror, we'll invite selected Liverpudlian and Mancunian pop singers, American cinema idols, A-List entertainers, millionaires, newspaper proprietors, classical dancers, promiscuous narcissistic Premiership footie stars, hairdressers, "celebrity" chefs, TV soap stars, The Queen, Caprice, Jordan and, of course, a few disadvantaged schoolchildren to Downing Street for an exclusive 'Champagne, Caviar, Canapes, Wine and Cheese' jolly good photo opportunity reception evening.

More information is available on:

We are afraid that we would not presently recommend Guantanamo Bay, Chechnya, Croatia, Tikrit, Najaf, Zimbabwe, Bali, North Korea, The Wailing Wall (Israel), Yemen, Spain, Eastern Europe, Athens, India, the Tora Bora mountain caves, North America, or Tipton as an ideal holiday destination.

If you see anyone with a funny accent and a swarthy look, down your local D.I.Y. store buying up hundreds of 99-pence box-cutter knives, or screwdrivers, we would advise that you ask a free sales person to immediately put an announcement over their tannoy system asking every customer not to undertake any unnecessary air travel for the foreseeable future.

If you are a commercial manufacturer of aerospace missiles, weapons, precision arms systems, or surveillance and eavesdropping paraphernalia, have you exported any stuff to any characters who seem a little shifty or suspicious recently?

Terrorists need a place to live:
Flatmates - have you seen traces of sarin, ricin, or of deadly weapon-grade plutonium or uranium on the kitchen top, or when carrying out the rubbish sack every morning?

Government credo on terrorism:
It is a Government policy to keep the public in the dark about any specific threat, if, theoretically, there would be nothing the public could do about the aforementioned terrorism threat in any case. Dead is the new alive.

Emergency contact details:

The Waste Paper Recycling Advisory Commission: 0800-905909

The Afghan Embassy: 020-7589 8891

The Iraqi Embassy: 020-758 9790

Aljazeera Television: +97 - 438 2797

The Society of WillWriters & Estate Planning Practitioners: 0890-689787

The National Association of Funeral Directors: 0845-29096

The National Office of Statistics and Guesswork: 0800-996609, I think. Or maybe it was 0900-56979. Or something near that. We get it spot on periodically, ie: 23% - 25% of the time.

Things we'd much rather you forget about, frankly.

Recent intelligence failures (terrorism, and general).

That no so-called Weapons of Mass Destruction were actually found.
(Surprise surprise!).

The policy of holding terrorist suspects at Camp X-Ray for years without charge, if not actually illegal, is deemed against some of the principles of the Geneva Convention, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Alastair Campbell's "sexed-up" dodgy dossier crisis.

The suicide of former United Nations weapons inspector David Kelly.

The Hutton Complete Whitewash.

The fact that the leaflet was cobbled together from various sections of a student's four-year old thesis found while we were surfing the internet.


Voting form

"Yo, proles! Emperor Tone, da main man here again. Yes, so even we, er, I ..screwed up occasionally. Alright, I confess...quite often. (Due chiefly, I feel, to various socio-economic factors, and, er...the previous Conservative administration, of course!). I *am* sincerely sorry. Deeply, deeply sorry. Very, very nearly sorry indeed. America's poodle? Never! Look, after Nine-Eleven, I did at least get rid of Saddam Hussein. And you face it, you really do *not* want those nasty old Conservatives back in power again, do you? Scary! Or even to be governed by a party run by some pudding-faced ginger-headed spineless yellow-bellied bleeding-heart Scottish fat old soak? Er, no...I thought not. So come on, could you please mark the space below clearly with an 'X'...

1. LABOUR ..... (Here!)

..and go cut the form (ie: along the dotted line) using care (ie: with your blunt-nosed plastic scissors in your first aid kit, please. Safety first! Prevention is better than cure, I believe!) and post it at once (Freepost) to:

Premier-for-life Blair,
Ivory Towers,
10 Downing Street,

Cheers - Tone".

"Do not forget, we know where you live, dearie. You've been warned". - Peter 'Prince Of Darkness' Mandelson, United Kingdom European Union Trade Commissioner, Minister for Mysterious Disappearances, and (with Reinaldo da Silva) Rio de Janeiro Alternative Nightlife Minister.

If you should want to, for some reason, you can download even more copies of the leaflet free of charge at:

This practical, most needed, informative document is available in pretty much every commonly used language we could ever possibly think of. (Except for Italian, Japanese...or German of course). Even Arabic, ironically. In fact, David Blunkett (a nice, pioneering chappie from the Home Office) has even seen fit to issue a braille version.

Should you so choose, you may freely reproduce or copy text in the document, in most proper circumstances, ie: press or internet, subject only to it specifically not, repeat NOT ever being turned into a sarcastic anagram. If it is, could you please call the police on 999 at once.

Any errors or inaccuracies, evasiveness, furtiveness, severe condescension, sheer irrelevance, Machiavellian conspiracies, secretiveness, slipperiness, seediness, complete drivel...

© 2004, Downing Street Office of Misinformation, Spin, Spiel and Gloss.


[Below is a poem by Wilde, about Shelley's death. After a short search, I've discovered a poem by Shelley, dedicated to Wordsworth. But it didn't stop there - also found were a Wordsworth poem for Milton, and a Milton poem on Shakespeare... Wilde's poem is anagrammed into 3 very close paraphrases of the other links in the chain. Enjoy!]


The Grave Of Shelley

Like burnt-out torches by a sick man's bed
Gaunt cypress-trees stand round the sun-bleached stone;
Here doth the little night-owl make her throne,
And the slight lizard show his jewelled head.
And, where the chaliced poppies flame to red,
In the still chamber of yon pyramid
Surely some Old-World Sphinx lurks darkly hid,
Grim warder of this pleasaunce of the dead.
Ah! Sweet indeed to rest within the womb
Of Earth, great mother of eternal sleep,
But sweeter far for thee a restless tomb
In the blue cavern of an echoing deep,
Or where the tall ships founder in the gloom
Against the rocks of some wave-shattered steep.



To Wordsworth

Oh, Bard of Nature! Thou wert jarred to know
The cheers depart and hence can ne'er return:
Child's play and bloom's age, friendship, love's first glow -
All fled like dreams, preparing thee to mourn.
These common woes I feel. One loss is mine,
Which thou too feel'st, yet I myself deplore.
Thou shepherded and like the star did shine
Few barks' dark path in wet night's grimmer roar;
Farewell, thy stable shelter - which hath stood
Atop the heedless, warring multitude!
In noble, feeble lack, thy zeal did heap
Exact gems for fresh creeds and liberty -
Deserting these, thou leavest me to weep,
Thus having been, that thou hast ceased to be.


[Scribbled to the expired Milton]

Milton! Thou should'st be breathing at this hour:
England hath need of thee: She's soggy fen
Of stale, bronze waters; Temple, sword, and pen,
The hearth, the well-kept wealth of hall and bower,
Had to be ceded - this old English dower
Of clever merriment! We're selfish men;
Oh! Raise us up, resurface here again;
Accord us better manners, freedom, power.
Thy soul - like the high star - stored, kept apart;
Thy voice - that trembled, rippled like the sea;
Pure as the naked heavens, majestic, free,
So didst thou walk here, on life's common way,
In cheerful godliness - and yet thy heart
The lowliest charges on itself did lay.



On Shakespeare

Did Shakespeare need, for his well-honor'd head,
An age's labor on his steepl'd bed?
Or for his sacred relics to be hid
Beneath a hefty, rugged pyramid?
To Memory a son, a heir to Fame -
Why pick tall towers for thy blessed name,
When dwelling at our awe and wonderment
Hath set thee the eternal monument?
Heed - while I spell a duller, jaded art,
Thy verses freely flow; So, as the hearts
Hath felt the class of the poetic work,
And gulp'd the wit to see where secrets lurk,
Then the text - our zest for itself bereaving -
Doth render *us* the marble, with conceiving...
Sepulchr'd thus, in richest pomp dost lie -
For such a tomb, the King'll beg to die!


To bite the hand that feeds you

Those that had benefitted you ~I bet you then shafted to death.



Arise ye workers from your slumbers
Arise ye prisoners of want
For reason in revolt now thunders
And at last ends the age of cant.
Away with all your superstitions
Servile masses arise, arise
We'll change forthwith the old conditions
And spurn the dust to win the prize.

So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.
So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.

No more deluded by reaction
On tyrants only we'll make war
The soldiers too will take strike action
They'll break ranks and fight no more
And if those cannibals keep trying
To sacrifice us to their pride
They soon shall hear the bullets flying
We'll shoot the generals on our own side.

No saviour from on high delivers
No faith have we in prince or peer
Our own right hand the chains must shiver
Chains of hatred, greed and fear
Ever the thieves will give up their booty
And give to all a happier lot.
Those at the forge must do their duty
And we'll strike while the iron is hot.


Hello United States citizens,
Past President known as Willy.
The nation's head who felt great honour,
My world rule was rather silly.
The business rates drop while others starve,
Speaking tonnes of this lying slur,
About this health insurance promise,
Men disheartened while fatcats purr.

So oilmen and fatcats,
Who can see me fall from grace?
L'Clintonationale, it spites the human race.
So oilmen and fatcats,
Who can see me fall from grace?
L'Clintonationale, it spites the human race.

The strikebreaker in Colombia,
The Cola workers' spirits grow.
Revolution of the drinks business?
Hurry, a violent overthrow!
The Middle East thought it not funny,
Earth is on fire and they die.
See any vivid things end up bad
When vain, Aryan, randy fools lie.

Got a lot of irreverent head,
Leer round that whoring intern's skirt.
Yahoo, forehead's in her unhaired twat,
Held her lovely tits 'till they hurt.
Oh well, one lie sewed far greater pain,
More than any you shout could forge.
I created more headway like this;
These errors caused those votes for George....