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Tarzan's Cheetah's Life As A Retired Movie Star
14 May 2003 @ 18:13, by Raymond Powers

By John Roach
National Geographic News
May 9, 2003

Many Hollywood stars retire in the oasis of Palm Springs, California where they while away their golden years splashing paint on canvases, taking leisurely strolls, playing the piano, and flipping through the pages of magazines.
Such is the life of 71-year-old Cheeta, the chimpanzee of Tarzan fame who celebrated his birthday a month ago.

"He's the world's oldest chimp and in excellent condition," said Dan Westfall, who cares for Cheeta and several other retired showbiz primates at the Cheeta Primate Foundation in Palm Springs. Cheeta's "world's oldest" title is noted in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Chimpanzees in the wild tend to live for 40 to 45 years and to the mid 50s in captivity, according to chimpanzee researchers.

Activists for the proper care and treatment of chimpanzees and other nonhuman primates applaud Cheeta's age record, but caution against celebrating the lifestyle of chimpanzees that were stars in the entertainment industry.

"Would you go to a movie if you knew the child actors had been kidnapped and been forced through abuse by their kidnappers to perform silly, demeaning acts?" asks Roger Fouts, co-director of the Chimpanzee and Human Communication Institute at Central Washington University in Ellensburg.

Activists say that retired entertainment chimpanzees engage in human behaviors such as watching television and reading magazines because they were deprived of a natural lifestyle and were instead trained to behave like humans, often through physical abuse.

"You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that they are pretty dysfunctional," said Gloria Grow, co-founder of the Fauna Foundation which cares for neglected and abused animals in Quebec, Canada.

For example, Grow said that several of the chimpanzees in her foundation's care, including those that were in the entertainment industry, do not know how to have intercourse or how to look after their young.

"It is common scientific knowledge that taking mothers from babies has very serious consequences for the psychological well-being of both the mother and the infant, yet this is what happens to every trained chimpanzee," said Fouts.

The Good Life?

Abe Karajerjian, a biological anthropologist who works with Westfall in the caretaking of the animals at the Cheeta Primate Foundation, says Cheeta and his companions are provided with an environment and social structure that is more suitable to their species rather than perpetuating their human-like lifestyles and behaviors.

"We just love them and love to do things for them," he said. "They made tons of people happy, they had to endure a lot to make people happy, and we want to give back to them, provide them with friends."

Westfall, a comedian and actor, adopted Cheeta about 10 years ago from his uncle Tony Gentry, an animal trainer who worked in Hollywood and discovered Cheeta while on an animal talent scouting trip to Africa in the 1930s.

The 4 foot (1.2 meter) tall, 142 pound (53 kilogram) chimpanzee starred in 12 Tarzan movies and had his last role 36 years ago in the 1967 musical film Doctor Doolittle.

Cheeta now spends his days socializing with other apes and human caregivers. At times he seems fascinated by looking at other animals on television and in the pages of magazines like National Geographic, said Karajerjian

On a few occasions the media has spotted Cheeta taking a ride in the car with Westfall, who said that Cheeta "likes to go through the drive-thru and get a hamburger and a Coke." Cheeta's staple diet consists of fresh fruit, vegetables, and monkey chow, which is a nonhuman-primate version of dog food.

In his earlier years Cheeta had a penchant for beer and cigars, reportedly drinking several cold ones a day. Westfall and Karajerjian said booze and smoke have not been a part of the old chimp's life since he came into their care ten years ago.

"Where he lives now nobody smokes and drinks," said Karajerjian. "I hate smoking and drinking and so why would I offer it to apes?"

At the sanctuary the apes are provided with a variety of activities to stimulate their intellect and curiosity. One of the activities is painting, which Karajerjian says allows chimpanzees to mimic their innate behavior of inventing and using tools.

Westfall says that Cheeta has developed a particular talent as an abstract artist and has trademarked Cheeta's creations as "Ape-stract." Cheeta uses a paintbrush and bright colors for his creations which are full of sweeps, swirls, and straight lines.

"They are very pretty, actually," said Westfall, who sells his companion's work for $125 a piece. The proceeds go to support the Cheeta Primate Foundation, which Westfall started to raise money for unwanted showbiz animals.

Entertainment Abuse

Cheeta is a rarity among chimpanzee actors in that he was used for films into his 30s. "Most of the chimpanzees used in the entertainment industry are used when they are quite young," said Rick Bogle of the Primate Freedom Project in Santa Barbara, California. The organization works for the protection of nonhuman primates.

Chimpanzees rarely act beyond the age of ten because they become less manageable and less willing to follow directions, said Bogle. When the chimpanzees are retired, many of them are sold into biomedical research.

Gentry, Cheeta's previous owner, feared a research laboratory was Cheeta's destination so he had asked in his will that Cheeta be put to rest. Westfall talked his uncle out of having Cheeta put to rest by promising to take good care of the chimp.

Ex-entertainment chimpanzees are unfit for zoos, said Fouts, because they do not behave like regular chimpanzees. "And often times they are not socialized to other chimpanzees so they would be difficult to integrate into a social population," he said.

Westfall said primate researcher Jane Goodall inspired him to start the foundation for unwanted showbiz primates. The other chimpanzees, orangutans, and monkeys in his care have starred in television commercials, nightclubs, and theaters, but none reached the star status of Cheeta.

"There are also some from labs that we'd love to get sometime to save their lives and give them a good, healthy home to live in," he said.

All of the animals in Westfall's care interact on a daily basis and with each other and their human caregivers. Westfall's house is not open to the public, but tour buses and children often stop in front where there is a statue of Cheeta.

Living Longer

Terry Wolf, wildlife director at Lion Country Safari in Loxahatchee, Florida, which cares for about 35 chimpanzees, said that captive chimpanzees that were picked up from the entertainment industry and research facilities are living longer because humans are taking better care of them.

"The quality of health care and diet in the past was traditionally not all that great," he said. Now humans have a better understanding of chimpanzee dietary, physical, and social needs, including the need for interaction to prevent the onset of deadly bouts of depression.

Little Mama, a chimpanzee who starred in a traveling ice skating show before coming to Lion Country Safari in 1967, is thought to be 65 years old and like Cheeta is in good health. She is social and gets along well with her mates, who she lives with on a series of islands in the drive-through zoo, said Wolf.

"Old age is something to be celebrated," said Virginia Landau, director of the Jane Goodall Institute's ChimpanZoo in Tucson, Arizona, which coordinates the study of chimpanzees in zoos and other captive settings.

Tarzan Goes Ape
After what seems to be a freak accident with his newly created device - matter displacement pods - Tarzan undergoes a concatenation of eerie, unprecedented life-changing events, resulting in the loss of hair, feet, eyes, ears, forehead, goatee, individuality and dishy good looks, until he eventually shape-phases into a maggoty hybridisation of his faithful companion, Cheeta. He looks a lot more odious, but his climbing and ape-management know-how improves beyond measure.

Tarzan vs. Terminator
Schwarzenegger's original dispassionate automaton, the apocalyptic anti-hero high-voltage Cyborg killing machine returns from the future in order to assassinate Tarzan, before he becomes the Earl of Greystoke, the direct descendent of the leader of the Resistance against the Machines. Unbearably violent, laughable, unhinged and incoherent, this is nevertheless a thrilling and sometimes nauseatingly shocking movie.

Jackass Tarzan: The Movie
Whether you love them or loathe them, this is an evergreen collection of seedy sinister stunts, dangerous demented decapitations, premeditated puppy pulverisations, and other choreographed mayhem, performed by Tarzan and his eager band of opinionated, immature, unwashed, loincloth-clad, hot-headed associates.
WARNING: May contain nuts.

The Three Tarzans
Larry, Curly and Mo attempt to evoke fabulous memories of their characteristically chaotic slapstick, poor pantomime humour in this sophisticated homage to some of the Vaudeville tomfoolery of their heyday. A grimacing Cheeta makes an enchanting stooge.
"I couldn't be bothered with it."--Apathy Today.

The Tarzan Inferno
A major disaster film in which Tarzan's fireproof loincloth catches alight after some particularly animated fighting with a fake lion. Luckily, the Fire Chief (Steve McQueen) helps to save the day. In Stereoscope.
"How much of a catastrophe is this movie?"--News of the World.

Tarzan meets Sherlock Holmes
The famous detective and addict discovers, when looking into the disappearance and supposed kidnapping of Cheeta, that Tarzan is a much superior investigative sidekick than the decrepit old duffer, Doctor Watson. When Cheeta's freedom is eventually reinstated, and his kidnappers apprehended and handed over to the awkward Inspector Lestrade, Holmes discovers that even a mange-caked chimpanzee is a better sidekick than the geriatric Watson.
"Arthur Conan Doyle at his poetic best."--Basil Rathbone.

Confessions of Tarzan
A saucy romp through Tarzan's wayward weekend sexploits in the jungle, starring Robin Asquith as a rather untidy, pathetic, emaciated looking Tarzan. Watching his inappropriate and offensive ravishing of young female gorilla beauties is desperately uncomfortable.
"Thanks for the mammaries."--His Holiness, The Pope.

Batman and Tarzan
This seems like the eightieth sequel in this seemingly never-ending collection of increasingly feculent films. The Caped Crusader (Sean Connery) teams up with Tarzan (Christopher Lambert) in order to overcome their elaborate nemesis, Beri-Beri Beefeater. The two leading actors never manage to recapture the spark that was there in their previous (and also worryingly detestable) venture: Highlander II. Lambert, of course, also starred in "Greystoke: the Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes." He was bloody abominable in that, too.

Tarzan and Tarzanner
One of the Farrelly Brothers' better movies (let's face it, none have been particularly good), inspired by their mephitic spoof 'Dumb and Dumber', but this one is actually funny. Devotees - see also: There's Something about Tarzan.

Planet of the Tarzans
Epic adventure film, starring Charlton Heston, an astronaut who lands on a planet governed and controlled by Tarzan look-alikes. He is soon incarcerated, but with the assistance of a kind-hearted family of hippos, and a group of human savages, escapes the evil clutches of his captors. It stars the disproportionately elephantine Marlon Brando as the weighty Mafioso hippo 'Generalissimo Onomatopoeia', and Leonardo DiCaprio as himself.

The Shawshank Tarzan
Wrongly convicted for the psychopathic evisceration and insane homicidal slaughter of his sweet wife, Jane, Tim Robbins (Tarzan) ekes out a civilized existence in the Penitentiary bookhouse, while continually plotting his sensational escape from incarceration. With Morgan Freeman as 'Red.'

The Last Temptation of Tarzan
Martin Scorsese's often noteworthy remake of his controversial 1988 movie, depicting Christ's visions (during His crucifixion) of a peaceful life with Mary Magdalene; more controversial, however, is his choice of casting Tarzan in the role of Christ. Cheeta takes on the acting challenge of portraying Judas Iscariot as a gentle chimp.

Saving Private Tarzan
A graphic battle scene opens this captivating war film in which weedy hero Captain Tom Hanks (Cheeta) appears in order to rescue one of his fallen comrades. Steven Spielberg directs this authentic and harrowing film.

Carry on Tarzan
Tarzan (Kenneth Williams) in cohabitation with Jane (Hattie Jacques) find fun, frolics and obscene bestiality in the jungles of Borneo. Satire, also starring Charles Hawtrey, Joan Sims, Jim Dale and Barbara Windsor, with Sid James as an uncharacteristically salacious, lecherous, bawdy and underhandedly debauched Cheeta.

Tarzan of Toad Hall
Follow the astonishing animated adventures of Tarzan, Ratty, Mole, Cheeta and their domesticated friends in this witty theatrical adaptation of Kenneth Grahame's 'Wind in the Willows.'
"I do not wish to see Mister Toad tooting away as a detestable cartoon tree-dwelling idiot."--Independent on Sunday.

Mr. Tarzan goes to Washington
When a naive, kind-hearted tree-dwelling thickhead is appointed to fill a top vacancy in the US Senate, his plans advocating freedom for all creatures promptly collide with political corruption, but rather than back down and withdraw, he releases the wild animals from Washington Zoo instead.

Lord of the Jungles: The Fellowship of Tarzan
Lord of the Jungles: The Two Tarzans
Lord of the Jungles: The Return of Tarzan
A triumphal piece of cinematic history, in which Tolkein's visionary idea of Middle Earth, interwreathed with folklore, is brought to life, using state-of-the-art digital imaging technology. Cheeta's participation as the evil-eyed Gollum is worth watching out for, too.
"Cinema at its finest."--Gandalf the White.

Citizen Tarzan
Orson Welles' sophisticated classic, poignant, kaleidoscopic, Oedipean masterpiece, in which Tarzan (played by a heavyweight Welles) becomes the wealthiest independent media mogul, beyond the modest dreams of any jungle-dweller; but in his eighties, retreats away into his tree-chateau hideaway 'Xanadu' to await his deathbed demise. His life ends overshadowed with pathetic misery.

Casting Tarzan in the Tom Hanks role does defeat the idea of this remake somewhat. Within hours of being washed up with the tide on the beachy sea-coast of a hot deserted island in the centre of the ocean, the modern day Robinson Crusoe has become master of his new habitat; head awash with know-how, he improvises to find a fresh water supply; construct a three storey apartment hideaway (launderette, cook-house, ale-house, dog-house, hot-house and out-house); establish a crocodile farm, with the assistance of a variety of local fauna, flora and seafood; soothe and disinfect a toothache. His most distressing moment is when the Hawaiian Aerial Rescue Team arrive in a sea-plane twenty-three years later.
With Cheeta as Ape Friday. A showcase of authentic method acting at its absolute best.


Ten things you didn't know:

1. Frying pan fumes can kill canaries, according to the Worldwide Fund for Nature.

2. Bill Clinton sent just two e-mails while he was president.

3. Ken Livingstone, the mayor of London, has got solar panels fitted on the roof of his Cricklewood home.

4. Whales can explode - a dead sperm whale this week exploded in Taiwan, showering blood and body parts on passers-by. Marine biologists blamed it on a build-up of gases inside the whale.

5. More than a quarter of UK households have no savings, according to statistics revealed this week.

6. Pets will be eligible for frequent flier points on Japanese airline JAL from March. The points will be exchangeable for cage rentals on board, as well as gifts.

7. The man who invented Ctrl+Alt+Delete retired on Friday. David Bradley, 55, spent five minutes writing the computer code that has helped bail out millions of PC users, while working for IBM in the 1980s. "I may have invented it, but Bill Gates made it famous," Bradley said.

8. 70% of mobile phone owners in the UK have pre-pay models.

9. Cunning bargain hunters are roaming Ebay looking for misspelled goods which attract hardly any bids because they don't turn up in text searches. One man bought three Compaq laptops at a pittance simply by asking for "Compacts" instead.

10. Brits drank 35% more champagne in bars and pubs in 2003 than in the year before.

Ten things that are blindingly obvious:

1. Eight out of ten sophisticated cannibals think late German towns-people taste better.

2. Regardless of wunderkind heart-throb Johnny Depp's distinguished performance, and the wonderful fight scenes within, "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of the Black Pearl" is not quite as good as most people think.

3. Bird-spotters (or twitchers) are quite dull, especially when waxing lyrical about waxwings or whip-poor-wills (which are related to goat-suckers).

4. Decaffeinated coffee is an oxymoron. It is also a flavour-free, unjustifiable, damnable and wretched drink.

5. Udders (cow-boobs) are downright odd; milking cows using one's hands feels fantastic, and the cows like it, too, no doubt.

6. The shrewd, inventive Professor Colin Pillinger (who is still hoping to hear back from embattled Beagle II, abandoned on Martian earth) has incredible, offensive, unfathomably over-developed sideburns.

7. A 'quintillion' is an elephantine, mammoth number. (That's a momentous lot of pachyderm.)

8. Bloated plungers who demonstrate undisciplined belly-flopping will earn few diving medals at the Athens Olympics.

9. 85570039 is exactly divisible by 53.

10. "The Royal Shakespeare Company" is an anagram of "One may appear there as Shylock"; composed by Meyran Kraus in June 2001, this won best overall anagram in the Grand Anagrammies.


Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet =
Rainbow to relieve direly long deluge gone.
['gone' as a poetic, postpositive adjective]

This anagram has a twist, too: each word has been carefully selected so that it can be made up entirely of letters from different colours, e.g. there is no word that has both (B & U) or (Y & W), which would require two letters from 'blue' and 'yellow' respectively. This, rather satisfyingly, applies to the word 'rainbow' itself:


With the result that the entire anagram can be presented as a cascading, twisted rainbow on the right:


[The following two sets of element abbreviations are "equal" in five different ways. No prizes for guessing the first:]

H Li B Al Si P S Ar Ti Cr Mn Cu Ga Br Rb Zr Mo Tc Cd In Sn Te Ba La Ce Nd Eu Er Tm Yb Hf Ta Re Os Au Hg Pb Po Rn Pa Np Cm Bk Cf Md Rf Sg Hs Ds
He Be C F Ne Na Cl Ca Sc Co Ni Zn Ge As Kr Sr Nb Ru Rh Pd Ag Sb I Cs Pr Pm Sm Gd Tb Dy Ho Ir Pt Tl Bi At Fr Ra Ac U Pu Am Es Fm No Lr Db Bh Mt

[The second is also fairly well-worn territory by now: atomic numbers on each side add up to the same number.]

H1 + Li3 + B5 + Al13 + Si14 + P15 + S16 + Ar18 + Ti22 + Cr24 + Mn25 + Cu29 + Ga31 + Br35 + Rb37 + Zr40 + Mo42 + Tc43 + Cd48 + In49 + Sn50 + Te52 + Ba56 + La57 + Ce58 + Nd60 + Eu63 + Er68 + Tm69 + Yb70 + Hf72 + Ta73 + Re75 + Os76 + Au79 + Hg80 + Pb82 + Po84 + Rn86 + Pa91 + Np93 + Cm96 + Bk97 + Cf98 + Md101 + Rf104 + Sg106 + Hs108 + Ds110

He2 + Be4 + C6 + F9 + Ne10 + Na11 + Cl17 + Ca20 + Sc21 + Co27 + Ni28 + Zn30 + Ge32 + As33 + Kr36 + Sr38 + Nb41 + Ru44 + Rh45 + Pd46 + Ag47 + Sb51 + I53 + Cs55 + Pr59 + Pm61 + Sm62 + Gd64 + Tb65 + Dy66 + Ho67 + Ir77 + Pt78 + Tl81 + Bi83 + At85 + Fr87 + Ra88 + Ac89 + U92 + Pu94 + Am95 + Es99 + Fm100 + No102 + Lr103 + Db105 + Bh107 + Mt109

1 + 3 + 5 + 13 + 14 + 15 + 16 + 18 + 22 + 24 + 25 + 29 + 31 + 35 + 37 + 40 + 42 + 43 + 48 + 49 + 50 + 52 + 56 + 57 + 58 + 60 + 63 + 68 + 69 + 70 + 72 + 73 + 75 + 76 + 79 + 80 + 82 + 84 + 86 + 91 + 93 + 96 + 97 + 98 + 101 + 104 + 106 + 108 + 110

2 + 4 + 6 + 9 + 10 + 11 + 17 + 20 + 21 + 27 + 28 + 30 + 32 + 33 + 36 + 38 + 41 + 44 + 45 + 46 + 47 + 51 + 53 + 55 + 59 + 61 + 62 + 64 + 65 + 66 + 67 + 77 + 78 + 81 + 83 + 85 + 87 + 88 + 89 + 92 + 94 + 95 + 99 + 100 + 102 + 103 + 105 + 107 + 109

[Thirdly, the digits of the above atomic numbers are also an anagram:]

1 3 5 1 3 1 4 1 5 1 6 1 8 2 2 2 4 2 5 2 9 3 1 3 5 3 7 4 0 4 2 4 3 4 8 4 9 5 0 5 2 5 6 5 7 5 8 6 0 6 3 6 8 6 9 7 0 7 2 7 3 7 5 7 6 7 9 8 0 8 2 8 4 8 6 9 1 9 3 9 6 9 7 9 8 1 0 1 1 0 4 1 0 6 1 0 8 1 1 0

2 4 6 9 1 0 1 1 1 7 2 0 2 1 2 7 2 8 3 0 3 2 3 3 3 6 3 8 4 1 4 4 4 5 4 6 4 7 5 1 5 3 5 5 5 9 6 1 6 2 6 4 6 5 6 6 6 7 7 7 7 8 8 1 8 3 8 5 8 7 8 8 8 9 9 2 9 4 9 5 9 9 1 0 0 1 0 2 1 0 3 1 0 5 1 0 7 1 0 9

[This is the largest possible set of element abbreviations that can possess the above properties, incidentally: 12 elements had to be dropped in order to make the total of every letter and digit an even number (thus able to be divided into two groups with identical letter and digit counts). Another set of the same size exists; I chose this one because it contains both the smallest (H) and largest officially named (Ds) elements.]

[Fourthly, it is possible to select an known isotope of each element such that the isotope numbers again add up. (Without going into too much detail, both for those who already know all this and for those whose heads are starting to spin, isotopes are different forms of an element - for instance, stable carbon-12 and radioactive carbon-14.) Each element with naturally-occurring isotopes is represented by its most common isotope (e.g. hydrogen-1 makes up 99.985% of hydrogen atoms), with one exception (99Ru instead of 102Ru); all other elements are represented by a known radioactive isotope, not necessarily the most common or stable.

The equivalence of both the atomic number sum and the isotope sum means that each group of isotopes below contains the same number of protons (2824) and the same number of neutrons (4078).]

1H + 7Li + 11B + 27Al + 32Si + 31P + 32S + 40Ar + 48Ti + 52Cr + 55Mn + 63Cu + 69Ga + 79Br + 85Rb + 90Zr + 95Tc + 98Mo + 114Cd + 113In + 120Sn + 126Te + 138Ba + 139La + 140Ce + 142Nd + 153Eu + 166Er + 169Tm + 174Yb + 180Hf + 181Ta + 185Re + 192Os + 197Au + 202Hg + 208Pb + 209Po + 215Rn + 231Pa + 234Np + 244Cm + 249Bk + 255Cf + 255Md + 255Rf + 265Sg + 264Hs + 272Ds
4He + 9Be + 12C + 19F + 20Ne + 23Na + 35Cl + 40Ca + 45Sc + 59Co + 58Ni + 64Zn + 74Ge + 75As + 84Kr + 88Sr + 93Nb + 99Ru + 103Rh + 106Pd + 107Ag + 121Sb + 127I + 133Cs + 141Pr + 151Pm + 152Sm + 158Gd + 159Tb + 164Dy + 165Ho + 193Ir + 195Pt + 205Tl + 209Bi + 211At + 211Fr + 227Ra + 228Ac + 238U + 246Pu + 243Am + 249Es + 251Fm + 256No + 258Lr + 263Db + 260Bh + 271Mt

1 + 7 + 11 + 27 + 32 + 31 + 32 + 40 + 48 + 52 + 55 + 63 + 69 + 79 + 85 + 90 + 95 + 98 + 114 + 113 + 120 + 126 + 138 + 139 + 140 + 142 + 153 + 166 + 169 + 174 + 180 + 181 + 185 + 192 + 197 + 202 + 208 + 209 + 215 + 231 + 234 + 244 + 249 + 255 + 255 + 255 + 265 + 264 + 272

4 + 9 + 12 + 19 + 20 + 23 + 35 + 40 + 45 + 59 + 58 + 64 + 74 + 75 + 84 + 88 + 93 + 99 + 103 + 106 + 107 + 121 + 127 + 133 + 141 + 151 + 152 + 158 + 159 + 164 + 165 + 193 + 195 + 205 + 209 + 211 + 211 + 227 + 228 + 238 + 246 + 243 + 249 + 251 + 256 + 258 + 263 + 260 + 271

[Fifthly, the isotope sum is also a digit anagram. (This is why a two-digit isotope of Ru needed to be chosen in place of a three-digit one - otherwise there would have been an odd number of digits.)]

1 7 1 1 2 7 3 2 3 1 3 2 4 0 4 8 5 2 5 5 6 3 6 9 7 9 8 5 9 0 9 5 9 8 1 1 4 1 1 3 1 2 0 1 2 6 1 3 8 1 3 9 1 4 0 1 4 2 1 5 3 1 6 6 1 6 9 1 7 4 1 8 0 1 8 1 1 8 5 1 9 2 1 9 7 2 0 2 2 0 8 2 0 9 2 1 5 2 3 1 2 3 4 2 4 4 2 4 9 2 5 5 2 5 5 2 5 5 2 6 5 2 6 4 2 7 2
4 9 1 2 1 9 2 0 2 3 3 5 4 0 4 5 5 9 5 8 6 4 7 4 7 5 8 4 8 8 9 3 9 9 1 0 3 1 0 6 1 0 7 1 2 1 1 2 7 1 3 3 1 4 1 1 5 1 1 5 2 1 5 8 1 5 9 1 6 4 1 6 5 1 9 3 1 9 5 2 0 5 2 0 9 2 1 1 2 1 1 2 2 7 2 2 8 2 3 8 2 4 6 2 4 3 2 4 9 2 5 1 2 5 6 2 5 8 2 6 3 2 6 0 2 7 1


[I saw fit to honor the Oscars, held a month ago, by extracting all 5 Best Picture nominees from the same base phrase. However, I couldn't ignore the Oscar's evil twin - The Golden Raspberry (or 'Razzie'), an award ceremony held 24 hours before the Oscars which dishonored the *worst* of 2003 cinema... The winners are at the bottom of each set.[

A list of the five films that are Academy Awards nominees in the Best Picture category:

A feisty MASTER AND COMMANDER gives life to the rich tale of the wisest captain Aubrey.
Why, I see Murray's bit as a cheap-act made the gifted LOST IN TRANSLATION more effective.
MYSTIC RIVER's genuine performances deal with that base idea of the state of calamity.
View SEABISCUIT, my imperfect-yet-fine racehorse that ran to fame, against all the odds.
A massive LORD OF THE RINGS finale piece, sated with beauty, came first at that ceremony.

A list of the five films nominated for the joke-award Golden Raspberry in the Worst Picture category:

Big, tragic Dr. Seuss rip-off CAT IN THE HAT transformed that loopy feline we love into a mere rowdy jerk.
Another CHARLIE'S ANGELS trifle provided brisk joy of trampy women for the target audience of twits.
At parts of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, even the best 'American Idol' fan grew tired of its weird choreography.
The MTV-style THE REAL CANCUN joined the merry parties of Spring Break for raw footage of wild idiots.
Reporters' reviews of our winner GIGLI say that the attempt of Ben Affleck and J-Lo at comedy is horrid.

[Also, to make these a bit more appealing, they were shaped as the actual symbols of these award shows:]


[A sample from an Astrology site, anagrammed into 12 weekly predictions. I don't know if it comes through, but I'm not a fan of horoscopes.]

(Quoted from the Astrodienst site)
Astrology sees mankind as being not only influenced by hereditary factors and the environment, but also by the state of our solar system at the moment of birth. The planets are regarded as basic life-forces, the tools we live by as well as the basis of our very substance. These planetary forces take on different forms, depending on their zodiacal position and on the way they relate to one another.


A keen Mars settles above the Moon, so Neptune and Uranus may soon be in a very fiery trine, but it's not as dirty as it sounds.
On Friday, strolling in the street can be fatal, so better stay indoors and clip the letters off of the cover of a magazine to create terribly obscene death threats for the neighbor.
On Wednesday, you'll find the answer to the age-old question: What'll my employers do if I toss them to the floor and breakdance on their faces?


Three terrific events shall bless your essence soon, so don't be daft and drop that razor blade. For now, Neptune's position alters all planetary alignments, which means it's fifteen beers before noon yet again.
It's best to take the advice of someone close to you and try to battle the obsession for Dan Aykroyd statuettes made entirely of lard.
The mystery of the vanishing cat ends when you trace the odor coming from behind the air filter.


Not only do you let loved ones walk all over you, you grant a bag of cleat shoes beforehand. Quite oddly, Moon retreats and Mars settles in - can it afford rent?
On Monday, a teensy surprise is to be discovered where it's least anticipated, or you can take what's behind Curtain No. Three.
Note: A family member's consent to stay off booze feels less than honest in light of their arrest by the FBI for the attempt to baste the President in French dressing.


Do your friends find the tendency to glorify Astrology "senseless"? Order a Personalized Star Chart! In a minute, every one of these boobs will tremble at your feet.
Soon, you'll note that your red car has been dented. Beat innocent pedestrians for catharsis.
At work, it seems that a 'confidant' has been squealing to the boss, so follow them around and take notes. If they spot it, baffle them by imitating a ferret, then advance on them assertively.


Do you often question horoscopes' earnestness? Order the Personalized Star Chart to destroy all brain matter left.
An instance that involves a red Toyota's steel fenders has benefits, no need to be frightened!
At work, a feeble-brained buffoon from your floor, at which you nodded maybe once, starts to stalk you, often settling behind the pillar by the elevators and emitting insane noises. If they come any closer, spray them with mace.


On Monday, it seems that Venus, affected by the Moon, shall retire to London, set up a toffee store and regress idly into senility.
Hobbies: In a bizarre turn of events, trying to dabble in Oriental stencil art shall set off an epidemic of yeast infections across North Dakota. You'll soon start to wonder if your seventh grade art teacher went for sarcasm when she heatedly equated your paper-mache tasks to "the best of the best done by Leonardo".


An old flame resurfaces in your life, only to flee three seconds later, along with your mother's silverware and an autographed copy of 'Systems Analysis For the Incontinent' by the esteemed Dr. Typen Stainem.
On Monday, it'd be sad to see that Byron the Robot, created to conquer the world, is a rather bookish stiff that sports dozens of nose bleeds, but finding an attractive beret set of Einstein's valet in the flea market soothes you once again.


Your fate hosts bitterness, resentment and pain - Collect all three!
An amatory, flimsy offer leads to an unforeseen month of passion; that's a bit botched as one test proves that you're blood-related. Things slide even farther into the 'sordid' definition as it becomes quite clear that when you were a tender baby, they were bayonetting Nazis. Only some sort of freaky, stroke-inducing plan can end all of this, so you'd better do some research, fast.


Efforts to make deer season shorter are clearly done by the sissy-signs Libra and Virgo. Ah boy, I bet'ya that when the Lord handed out the best star icons, those seedy queers were last in line.
Soon, it'll be time to abandon UFO-spotting and marry the fondest of farmer Two-Toed Zeke's steers.
On Friday, cheery and ecstatic emotions blossom, till they prove to actually be the aftereffects of opening a can of paint thinner in an unventilated room.


Soon, the ants and the rats will seize the entire flat; sadly, they'll take better care of it than you ever did.
Break the tense life of trying to bring Barbies and Cheetos to breed; Set off on a trip, but preferably one to a bolted institute. For now, the moon may retreat due to a squad of cows, dishes and spoons.
(So sorry if any of these are half-assed, even inane; I've lost my notes and had to consult smirches on my ceiling to summon the astral energy.)


On Wednesday, you'll press the snooze button and stay in bed for another ten minutes. This may lead to your position at the Bagel factory being restaffed. Bereft, you'd enlist in the North Brooklyn Secret Cantors Clan for the Liberation of Iraq. After the clan's separate losses to a few tumbleweeds, you'd be stranded, sore and lost, in the Mohave desert. Salvation may come in the shape of Syrian officers giving the directions to the nearest K-Mart.


Certain events shall stir emotions, and may even lead to actions, but that's not written in stone. Annoying flyers on your windshield might boast too many barren offers, and theatres might boast profane sequels.
The color for today - Borscht-Red, and the active planet - oh, let's say the globe.
It would often seem that your life breezes by, like a 'Friends' teaser, yet treads on the same spot, like a 'Friends' episode.
Oh, and you're out of fabric softener.


[A Tribute to the Month of May: Anagrammed paraphrases of two poems and two literary quotes relating to May.]

It was the month of May, when foliage on herbs and trees wore a sleek green coat; When a tiny, coy bud did open and an indigo blossom did tease with its sweet odour and lusty poise; And when lovers, too easily enticed by the same force which reawakened nature outside, felt their hearts soar again, reminisced about those past trysts, past plights, and bygone gaieties, and yearned for a renewal of this magical acuity which is love.
(From 'La Morte d'Arthur' by Sir T. Malory)


Mother of Hermes! O, still youthful Maia!
May I sing to thee
As thou wast fawned on, at wet coasts of Baiae?
Or may I woo thee
In earlier Sicilian? Or thy smiles
Seek as they once were sought at Grecian isles
By bards who died content on dulcet sward,
Leaving apt verses to a little clan?
O, bring me their old spirit, and unheard
But by the wary Primrose, and the span
Of eden and few ears,
Rounded by thee, my song'd die away
Content as theirs,
Rich in a dogged worship of a day.



It is in May that wise Nature holds up at us her irate forefinger, bidding us to always be aware that we are not gods, but overconceited limbs on her own family tree. She assures us we are siblings to the chowder-doomed clam and the sad-eyed donkey; lineal scions of the wee daisy and the great ape, and, in a way, first cousins to the cooing doves, the tooting mallards and those weary abigails and cops in the parks.
(A little piece of 'The Marry Month of May' by writer O' Henry)


Oh, I can't tell you how it was,
But this I know: it came to pass;
Ceased on some bright, mere seamless day
When May shone young... Oh, favored May!
As yet those poppies were not born,
Retained between safe blades of corn;
One last egg had not hatched as yet,
Nor any bird foregone its mate.

Oh, I can't tell you what it was,
But this I know: it sure did pass.
It hurried free with cheerful May,
As all fair lives, it drained away,
And rendered me old, cold and gray.
(Christina Georgina Rossetti)


Crossword #1

Use this page if you want to print the puzzle out (in a new window).


May I take the liberty to introduce myself as; Mr. Yeng Zang, Bank Manager of a reputable bank in Taipei, Taiwan and I have an urgent and very confidential proposal for your review and consideration. Just before the last financial quarter of banking operations, I was able to discover a certain Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months made by a certain foreign individual, valued at a sum that is quite impressive. I made several frantic efforts and investigations and discovered that the depositor died in an automobile accident and he died without appointing a successor, all attempts to trace any of his relatives was fruitless as he did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his banking mandates, including official documents and deposit paperwork in my bank.

This sum and the interest has being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year at the rate of 19% per annum which comes to a colossal sum. The need for foreign assistance becomes crucial as a next of kin to the depositor is earnestly being searched for, as I cannot acquire the funds in my name. I have carefully developed a foolproof, legal and totally risk free transaction through which the money will be transferred to your nominated bank account within a very short time after due documentation and authentication process if you are willing to participate.

The strategy is to use my position and influence as the Branch Manager to present you as a next of Kin and beneficiary of the money as I shall arrange all documentation to support this claim and I shall grant approval for the transfer of the funds into your nominated Bank account.

The required assistance is perfected to be 100% risk free and I want to assure you that I have concluded all local modalities for the successful completion of this transaction, and I am sure the funds can arrive your nominated Bank account within 7 - 10 working days following our agreement to carry out this transaction, the money will be paid to you by any means of your choice for us to share at a ration we shall both agree on.

Please reply immediately via the private email address above and endeavour to give me a private telephone/fax number (stating country and city codes) through which I can communicate with you in confidence as the need for secrecy is highly important to this transaction.

I expect your urgent response; no matter your decisions to enable me conclude on what next to do. Please pardon my discretion; I hope to be more detailed as we progress.

With regards,

Mr. Yeng Zang

Taipei, Taiwan.

Dear Sir

I contact you on a most confidential and important matter that can be of immense benefit for both of us. I can trust you will keep a proposal of this kind as a secret and not divulge it to anyone else.

I am the head of Microsoft, a computer software company based in Redmond, Washington State, USA. This company began in 1978 as a small concern run by a group of talented computer programmers, including myself. It has grown by the steady and thoughtful acquisition of other software companies, the suppression of other clearly inadequate operating systems, and my caring leadership role of the Internet, with the development of our superior fault-free web browser, Internet Explorer and email program Outlook Express.

Unfortunately, at times, that progress has been impeded by an unwarranted interference of the US Federal Goverment in the fair trading of our company, and caused by litigation against us, leveling idiotic charges of breaking inane antitrust laws, and merely because Microsoft Office and Internet Explorer are the most loved programs available to anyone around the World today.

The company has had to suffer cruel attacks, unfair taunts, cynical knocking and negative ridicule by the appearance of anti-Microsoft websites like at run by a certain Larry Brash, who is patently an insane idiot and a satanic communist.

Yes, we have had the occasional problem. In 1996, we once developed Windows "Diana", which initially looked quite attractive, but drained a lot of resources, and crashed really badly. Then, next, we announced the unfortunate software glitch aboard the Kursk. We intentionally did not include the correct torpedo guidance drivers in that Russian version of Windows, as the captain had attempted to load an illegal version of Microsoft Excel.

On the positive side, Microsoft has taken an audacious initiative and developed a range of different colors for the Blue Screen of Death with unique and imaginative error messages, and it has made the dancing paperclip even more helpful than previously.

You may have noticed that this organisation is loved for its philanthropic activity. Microsoft is keen to donate and share our sizeable financial profits with anyone of similar ideas. You can easily initiate this and then achieve riches in an instant. Once you register as a charity, then I can divert $40,000,000 into your account. You can take $10,000,000, and credit me $30,000,000, and then I can avoid extra taxation (again). See - easy!

Contact me.

Thank you

yours sincerely

Bill Gates III





3 This booklet tells you what to do in an emergency
4 General advice about what to do in an emergency
6 Coping with specific emergencies
10 What to do if you're not at home
12 Basic First Aid
14 Preparing for an emergency
16 Helping to prevent a terrorist attack
18 What's being done to protect the UK?
20 Emergency contact details
21 Things to remember
22 Order form

The material used in this publication is constituted from 75% post consumer waste and 25% virgin fibre

this booklet tells you what to do in an emergency

"The Emergency Planning Society believes that this booklet provides valuable and common sense advice for the public, that can easily be adapted for use in many domestic situations. The fact that every home will have this advice can only be a good thing."
- Debbie Spargo, Chief Executive of the Emergency Planning Society

The Government is working hard to make sure that the UK is as prepared as it can be in the event of an emergency, and it is important that you are ready too. By being informed and prepared, you can significantly reduce the risk to life and property. This booklet will tell you how you can help yourself and your family in emergencies. A lot of this information is based on common sense advice and may seem obvious or familiar to you, but it has saved lives in the past. It will also let you know what has been done to prepare and protect our country in recent years. If you need alternative language versions or formats, please complete the form at the back of the booklet. You can also download more copies of this booklet at and find many useful links to partner sites for more information.

general advice about what to do in an emergency

If you find yourself in the middle of an emergency, your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do. However, it is important to:

  • Make sure 999 has been called if people are injured or if there is a threat to life
  • Not put yourself or others in danger
  • Follow the advice of the emergency services
  • Try to remain calm and think before acting, and try to reassure others
  • Check for injuries - remember to help yourself before attempting to help others

If you are not involved in the incident, but are close by or believe you may be in danger, in most cases the advice is:

  • Go inside a safe building
  • Stay inside until you are advised to do otherwise
  • Tune in to local radio or TV for more information

Of course, there are always going to be particular occasions when you should not "go in" to a building, for example if there is a fire. Otherwise: GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN.

Go in, Stay in, Tune in

The GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN advice is recognised and used around the world. It was developed by the independent National Steering Committee on Warning and Informing the Public as being the best general advice to give people caught up in most emergencies.

Tune in
There is an agreement with radio and TV companies that if there is a major emergency they will interrupt programming to give public safety advice and information about the incident, so that when you TUNE IN locally or nationally anywhere in the UK you'll get the advice you need.

coping with specific emergencies
The emergency services are trained to cope with a wide range of emergency situations, but there is a lot that you can do to help them and yourself.

Fire prevention and safety

  • Reduce fire hazards in your home
  • Fit and maintain smoke alarms
  • at least one on every floor
  • Most fire deaths and injuries occur while people are sleeping. Plan an escape route should a fire break out at night
  • If there is a fire, get out, stay out and call 999
  • Never use the lift
  • If moving or trapped in smoke stay close to the floor where the air is cleaner
  • If a door feels hot, do not open it, as it probably means there is a fire on the other side
  • Remember
  • never re-enter your home until the Fire and Rescue Service has made it safe

"Do not wait until a fire occurs to think about it. Act now. Nearly all fires are preventable. You can get further practical, easy to follow advice on preventing fires and protecting your home from your local fire station."
- Alan Doig, President of the Chief and Assistant Chief Fire Officers' Association

If there is a bomb warning at your place of work, follow the advice of those in charge. If a bomb goes off in your building, look for the safest way out.

If you are trapped in debris:

  • Stay close to a wall and tap on pipes so that rescuers can hear you
  • Do not use matches or lighters in case of gas leaks

If a bomb goes off outside your building, stay inside (away from windows, lifts and outer doors) in case there is a second bomb in the area.

If you saw the explosion, stay in the area in a safe place and tell the police what you saw.

The Fire and Rescue Service has become equipped in recent years to decontaminate large numbers of people quickly. This involves showering with soap and water and then dressing in temporary clothing that would be provided. It is important that this takes place where the incident happened so that other areas, including homes, are not contaminated. If necessary you would also be assessed by health service personnel.

Chemical, biological or radiological (CBR) incident

  • Move away from the immediate source of danger
  • But wait for the emergency services to arrive and examine you and, if necessary, decontaminate you
  • If you go home untreated you could contaminate others and make any incident worse

If there is a major power cut, turn off electrical appliances that will automatically switch on when power is restored - if several restart at once, they may overload the system. TUNE IN to local radio for advice and updates using a battery powered radio.

In all of these situations - keep calm, think before you act and listen to the advice of the emergency services.

Emergency plans exist in all areas of the UK The police, fire and ambulance services have tried and tested plans for responding to incidents, from fires to explosions, whether they are at your home, your school or affecting transport networks.

Health and hospitals Emergency equipment, vaccines and antibiotics are stored around the UK and are quickly available to doctors.

Emergency planning exercises
Every year, many exercises are held involving the emergency services and all agencies responsible for recovery. These exercises practise our response to a range of emergencies, including terrorism, by testing our preparedness.

what to do if you're not at home of your children

If your children are at school you will naturally want to collect them as soon as possible in the event of a major emergency. But it may not be safe to do so. Please TUNE IN to your local radio station for advice and for details of the arrangements your local council has made for letting parents know when to collect their children from school.

All schools have plans to cope with local emergencies such as fire and flood, and teachers and support staff do all they can to look after the pupils in their charge. You can find out more about school emergency planning from

safety and security at work...

Employers have a responsibility for the safety and security of their staff. All businesses should have arrangements in place to deal with the impact of a major incident or disaster. Make sure you understand what you need to do in an emergency at work. If you are a business, for advice on emergency planning go to

basic first aid

"By being prepared and understanding the basics of First Aid, the public can be of great help until the emergency services arrive to take over - it helps save lives."
- Liam Donaldson, Chief Medical Officer

Knowing what to do in an emergency is vitally important. Consider getting some First Aid training and a First Aid kit, and familiarise yourself with how to deal with some of the more common situations opposite. If someone is injured, the following steps will keep them as safe as possible until professional help arrives:

  • If people are seriously injured call 999 immediately
  • Keep calm
  • Make sure you and the injured person are not in danger
  • Assess the injured person carefully and act on your findings using the basic First Aid steps opposite
  • remember, these are not a complete First Aid guide
  • Keep an eye on the injured person's condition until the emergency services arrive

If the person is unconscious with no obvious sign of life, call 999 and ask for an ambulance. If you or any bystander has the necessary skills, give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while you wait for the emergency services.

Control severe bleeding by applying firm pressure to the wound using a clean, dry dressing and raise it above the level of the heart. Lay the person down, reassure them, keep them warm and loosen tight clothing.

For all burns, cool with water for at least 10 minutes. Wrap the affected part in clingfilm, do not apply dry dressings, keep the patient warm and call an ambulance.

Broken bones
Try to avoid as much movement as possible.

If you'd like more information or advice, go to or

preparing for an emergency - what you can do

To prepare for an emergency, you should take time to find out:

  • Where and how to turn off water, gas and electricity supplies in your home
  • The emergency procedures for your children at school
  • The emergency procedures at your workplace
  • How your family will stay in contact in the event of an emergency
  • If any elderly or vulnerable neighbours might need your help
  • How to tune in to your local radio station

If you are at home and an emergency happens, try to gather together:

  • A list of useful phone numbers, such as your doctor's and close relatives'
  • Home and car keys
  • Toiletries, sanitary supplies and any regularly prescribed medication
  • A battery radio, with spare batteries
  • A torch with spare batteries, candles and matches
  • A First Aid kit
  • Your mobile phone
  • Cash and credit cards
  • Spare clothes and blankets

Also, it is always useful to have:

- Bottled water, ready-to-eat food (e.g. tinned food) and a bottle/tin opener, in case you have to remain in your home for several days

In certain very unlikely situations, you may be asked to leave your home by the emergency services. If this happens, leave as quickly and calmly as possible. And, if you have time:

  • Turn off electricity, gas and water supplies, unplug appliances and lock all doors and windows
  • See the items listed above for what to take with you
  • If you leave by car, take bottled water and blankets, and tune in to local radio for emergency advice and instructions

When you are told that it is safe to return home, open windows to provide fresh air before reconnecting gas, electricity and water supplies.

helping to prevent a terrorist attack

"All information received by the hotline is researched and investigated before any police action is taken. Let us decide whether the information you have is valuable or not. We still very much need your help to reduce the danger posed by terrorists. Indeed, a number of serious terrorist crimes have been thwarted thanks to the eyes and ears of the public.
- Peter Clarke, Deputy Assistant Commissioner
ACPO National Co-ordinator of Terrorist Investigations

You can call the Police Anti-Terrorism Hotline on 0800 789 321. All calls will be treated in confidence. If you believe there is an immediate threat to life, call 999.

Possible signs of terrorism

You may have vital information. If you hear, see or come across anything that may be linked with terrorist activity, please tell the police. They want to hear from you.

Terrorists need...
A place to live: Are you suspicious about any tenants or guests?

To plan:
Have you seen anyone pay an unusual amount of attention to security measures at any location?

Individuals may set up bogus bank accounts, copy credit cards, return goods for large cash refunds.

If you are a retailer, do you have any cause to be suspicious about anything being bought?

Our ability to prevent a terrorist attack does not depend on the authorities alone. How well we cope also depends on you.

Links to useful information and advice can be found at

"Countering terrorism is MI5's highest priority. Working closely with our law enforcement and intelligence partners, we strive to keep the UK safe and make it difficult for terrorists to operate here. But public vigilance, good sense and co-operation are just as important and essential components of the UK's response as a whole."
Eliza Manningham-Buller, Director General of the Security Service (MI5)

Keep alert
Terrorist bomb attacks mostly happen in public places, especially where people gather or travel.

  • Be vigilant
  • Look out for suspicious behaviour, vehicles or packages
  • Do not hesitate to tell the police

Government policy on terrorism
Public safety is our first priority in all decisions about public information or warnings. It is the Government's policy to issue warnings when the public can take action in response to a specific or credible threat. Such warnings will also provide further information that will help the public respond effectively.

what's being done to protect the UK?

The police, fire and ambulance services are specially trained to deal with major emergencies and have specialist equipment to cope with a whole range of incidents. If necessary, military assistance can be called on by the Government and the emergency services.

There is now increased baggage and passenger screening at UK airports, and where appropriate UK aircraft carry plain-clothes police. Stronger cockpit doors have also been fitted to all sizeable aircraft.

We have also installed state-of-the-art surveillance systems at ports and traffic entry points into the UK. Also, all transport operators have emergency plans to evacuate you safely from their services if there is an emergency.

To check on the safety of a particular destination or country, ask your travel agent or the Foreign & Commonwealth Office at or call 0870 606 0290.

UK improvements
Over the last three years security around vital national resources such as water, energy and transport systems has been improved, safety advice given to potentially vulnerable businesses and locations, and laws toughened to make it more difficult for terrorists to operate here.

A lot of this work has to remain secret so potential terrorists don't get useful information.

The UK has had to live with the threat of terrorism for many years and the emergency services have well established plans and procedures in place to deal with a wide range of events. The Government has a comprehensive programme of work to improve the response to a range of disruptive emergencies that might affect the UK, not only terrorism. It aims to ensure we are able to respond to emergencies at the national, regional and local level, and to make sure that the essential services (food, water, transport, health, financial services etc) keep operating.

emergency contact details
You may find it useful to complete these contact details and keep them somewhere safe. You should be able to find these numbers in your local telephone directory.


Telephone Number

Emergency Services


NHS Direct

0845 4647

Anti-Terrorism Hotline

0800 789 321

Foreign & Commonwealth Office

0870 606 0290

Local Police Station

Local Authority




Local Radio Station
Frequency (see local press for details)

For more information onpreparing for emergencies see

If you are involved in any emergency it is important to:

  • Make sure 999 has been called if people are injured or if there is a threat to life
  • Not put yourself or others in danger
  • Follow the advice of the emergency services
  • Try to remain calm and think before acting and try to reassure others
  • Check for injuries
  • remember to attend to yourself before attempting to help others

If you are not involved in an accident but are close by or believe you may be in danger, in most cases the advice is: GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN.

For further information you can visit

Tear off this page and keep it somewhere safe for your reference.

© Crown Copyright 2003. The text in this document may be reproduced free of charge in any format or media without requiring specific permission. This is subject to the material not being used in a derogatory manner or in a misleading context. The source of the material must be acknowledged as Crown Copyright and the title of the document must be included when being reproduced as part of another publication or service.

order form
To order more copies of this booklet, translations or alternative formats, fill out this form, cut out where marked and post to

Preparing For Emergencies,
Freepost CN2223
Croydon CR9 4WZ

Or you can call 0800 88 77 77 or textphone 08000 859 859

Please write the number of copies you want next to your choice eg. 1 (maximum 5)

English/Audio tape/Large print/Braille/Welsh/Bengali/


You can also download more copies of this booklet at
Versions of the leaflet in Greek, Kurdish, Farsi, Turkish
and Hindi are also available on this website.




3 A very nice, reassuring message from our beloved leader
4 Stating the bleedin' obvious
6 In the event the shit *does* ever hit the fan
10 Teaching your grandmother to suck eggs
12 Basic First Aid
14 General advice about what to do in emergencies
16 Help to prevent a terrorist attack
18 What is being done to protect the UK?
20 Emergency contact details
21 Things we'd much rather you forget about, frankly.
22 Voting form

Advice given in this free publication is reconstituted from 0.5% recycled hot air and 99.5% patronising waffle.

The booklet tells you what to do in an emergency ('cos of course, we really *like* telling you what to do).

"Downing Street believes the booklet marginally increases Labour's chances of being re-elected for a third term".
- Charles Clarke, Labour Party Chairman

A very nice, reassuring message from our beloved leader:

"Look,, er...see, it isn't like, you know... I actually *want* to scare the crap out of you, or because I want you to go into a mad panic of fear, or anything like that, goodness me no, but I, er...cripes! I, er...suppose it *was* me that got us into this dangerous mess with my shameless sucking-up to American president George W. Bush, and so know...I thought that OK, yes...we may indeed be the second most despised country on the face of our planet, but hey, come on...I believe you really shouldn't let teensy-weensy little nitpicking mere details like that worry you, and in the event that the grim reaper doesn't actually call, and you *don't* all keel over, or get blown to smithereens by Al-Qaida or their cruel, evil associates, you, the British electorate, you know ..look back and thank my Labour Government for producing this, er...helpful and, I feel, enormously interesting leaflet, and can show their true gratitude to me by standing shoulder-to- shoulder and voting me President of a Federal Europe. (Preen!). Carry on, everyone, stay cool! Thank you."

His Serene Highness the Right Honourable Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, MP. - Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service. (Dictated from a sunlounger on Silvio Berlusconi's yacht).

"Having no real proper policies of my own yet, I merely endorse these comments". - Michael 'Something Of The Night' Howard, Leader of the Opposition.

Stating the bleedin' obvious:

If you don't eat (ie: food), you might get a bit hungry.

If you don't drink (ie: water), you might get a bit thirsty.

Doors need keys.

Torches need batteries.

The emergency services are trained to deal with emergency incidents.

Hospitals contain medicines, and even people to administer them.
(But not, unfortunately, within 45 minutes).

We would advise, as a general rule of thumb, that you do not practise your circus fire-breathing act whilst in the vicinity of a chip-pan full of boiling oil. Fatalities are quite likely indeed. If practical, do not remain in a fire. They are dangerous, are rather hot, and there is a risk of being very severely burnt, you know.

The National Office of Statistics and Guesswork have advised us that a terrorist massacre is somewhere about in the region of between circa 17.9 and 29.2 times more likely in Oxford Street in the middle of a rush hour than an attack at four in the morning on the Isle of Arran. (Not that we are trying to worry the Isle of Arran inhabitants, of course. Somewhere of a substantially similar geography and demography would do for these purposes of the comparison).

In the event the shit *does* ever hit the fan
Put your head between your knees, pray, and kiss your arse goodbye. (Please fill out the voting page at the back of the leaflet first).

"Hey, are you lookin' at me, pal?".
- John 'Two Jags' Prescott MP, Deputy Prime Minister and First Secretary of State. (Overheard in 'The Battered Flounder' fish 'n' chip shop in Kingston-upon-Hull).

By producing this leaflet, the government reveals that it is seemingly more interested in spending at least the official figure of about 8.3 million of your money on a project that may, in the event of an apocalyptic terrorist attack, save a handful of lives, when the same amount of money spent combatting the MRSA bug in hospitals would save many thousands of lives.

More free nuggets of well-meant governmental advice can be seen at:
(Don't tell 'em your name, Pike!)

Teaching your grandmother to suck eggs

"The sacrifices and sheer bravery of the British people saw us through our darkest hour during the Blitz. Um, I suppose that a terrorist air attack might be like that. Only a bit different. Or something. Er, we've been in power for seven years now, you know".
- The Right Honourable Geoffrey Hoon MP, UK Secretary of State for (Sitting on De)fence.

"Er, I'd like some more classic-styled 300-pounds-a-roll poncy velvet wallpaper for my ostentatious aristocratic pad again, please!"
- Lord Chancellor, Lord Derry Irvine.

Basic First Aid

In the (extremely unlikely, of course) eventuality of a large hijacked aeroplane ever being deliberately flown by terrorists into the side of a very tall building (or, indeed a Dome), the most advisable specific course of action is to cover the patient, if not conscious, and place jewellery, keys, loose change, fillings, etc. into an envelope, and post these to the next-of-kin.

Loss of limbs (caused by flying bits of fuselage, etc.): Place the, we mean a recovery position, if necessary propping-up with severed feet. Stem the flow of blood with circular pieces of sticky-back plastic of a colour and pattern of your choosing (cut with a blunt-nosed pair of plastic scissors - it might be safest to get mummy or daddy to help you here, just in case). Construct some replica prosthetic limbs out of empty washing-up liquid bottles, toilet roll tubes, and any leftover pieces of sticky-back plastic. Here's one we made earlier. (Get down, Shep!).

(Caused again by flying bits of fuselage, or in the event of governmental non-compliance with monetary or political demands following kidnapping by radical terrorist cells, anti-Western African militia groups, or Mujahideen "freedom fighters"): As above, but construct a replacement head out of papier-mache. You will need: A balloon, a tape measure, several sheets of newspaper, a water-based broad chisel-tipped felt marker pen (to draw a face), crepe paper for new eyes, some wallpaper paste, a sieve, a wooden spoon, and a bowl of warm water. (In case of interruption of water supplies by a major catastrophe, do keep a jug of water under the kitchen sink specifically for the purpose). Do not, of course, forget to inflate the balloon before building-up these layers of papier-mache around it by blowing into it. (Papier- mache or crepe may also be useful for performing emergency skin grafts, ie: should you, or any member of your family, or any of your friends get horribly disfigured by burning aviation fuel cascading down the building). Once it is fully dry, use some non- toxic pastel crayons or watercolour paints to match up the papier- mache to the patient's race/skin tone, or as close as is reasonably possible (ie: Caucasian white, creamy-yellow, peach pink, Asiatic ochre, cerise, mediterranean olive, caramel, sepia, Hawaiian copper, puce, strawberry, tomato, cocoa, coffee, deep chocolate, maori charcoal, green...whatever!).

"Try not to make a mess of the carpet, there's a good boy! (Or girl, please don't take this as a gender-specific comment)".
- Patricia Hewitt MP, Secretary of State for Trade & Industry and Minister for Women.

General advice about what to do in emergencies:

If you should find yourself in the middle of terrorist atrocities, your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do. Alternatively, you could always foolishly choose to stand around reading this leaflet as huge great chunks of masonry, ceilings, and twisted steel come tumbling down around you. Your choice. (We would not generally advise that you take the latter course of emergency crisis action).

Go in, Stay in, Tune in

Our GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN advice was developed over several rounds of Theakston's Old Peculier by a couple of blokes down a pub as being the best general advice to give to any poor innocent people unfortunate enough to be trapped on the upper floors of a burning skyscraper.

More practical anti-terrorism information is available at:

(The Government Real Ale Steering Committee is of course aware that Old Peculier is a beer, not a lager).

Tune in
There is an agreement with TV companies that if there is a specific major emergency scare, they will consider interrupting programming to screen appropriate public safety advice, even if 'Big Brother', 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!', 'Coronation Street' or 'EastEnders' is on at the time.

Remember - never re-enter your house until greedy American corporations that do not mind bunging the Republican administration a mere few million dollars have secured and completed a lucrative contract to rebuild it.

If you see an explosion, go to a safe place, and make an international phone call back here to the UK to tell the police what you saw.

Help to prevent a terrorist attack:

In the first instance, every other democracy agrees, do not invade, sorry, liberate countries from the repressive dictatorial jackboot without proper backing (ie: United Nations Security Council resolutions).

If a man with a very long beard, on a camel, answering to the name of Osama Bin Laden knocks on your front door, we would recommend you don't open it. Request some form of official identification before inviting him in for a cup of tea or coffee.


Free advice to reduce the chance of maiming or severe death to yourself or others:

When travelling in public, according to the National Office of Statistics and Guesswork you should carry a bomb with you at all times. See, what actually are the odds of two of these things being in the same carriage at the same time?

Specific Republican terrorism information (to be sure) for people who live in the Kilburn or Cricklewood area:
If you see a man staggering down the High Road, singing "The Mountains Of Mourne" or "I'll Take You Home Again Kathleen" at the top of his voice, with a pig under one arm, and a crate of Semtex under the like bejasus!

What is being done to protect the UK?

Fear not! Nice, strong steel doors have been fitted to all asylum seeker detention centres.

Our very clever TOP SECRET cunning plan (ie: "Operation Osama"): Not carrying an I.D. card here will soon be deemed a serious criminal offence, so every terrorist foe will have to apply to the Home Office for one...and then, you see, our fearless cops can stealthily creep up and arrest every single one of them! Ingenious!

The British Red Cross has banned nativity scenes, Christmas trees or decorations with Christian symbols from their charity shops in case these could offend Muslims and other non-Christians.

The Daily Mail have printed an article entitled
"How To Feng Shui Your Nuclear Bunker"

Finsbury Park Mosque has been closed, and we are thinking about agreeing to deport Abu Hamza to the United States of America, where they want to fry his A-rab butt too.

The Sangatte Illegal Immigrant Refugee Camp near Calais, France, has been closed by French State Authorities after immense pressure from the British Government, after tens of thousands of terrorist criminal thieves and murderers swarmed through the Channel Foot Tunnel.

At a time of heightened tension, the Government are planning to close some Royal Air Force bases and disband many army regiments. (On the positive side, this could theoretically mean there are many more personnel now free to assist standard emergency services' needs in the event of a catastrophic terrorist incident).

In the specific event of a severe (ie: 'Nine-Eleven' style) terrorist attack on the United Kingdom, rest assured that all key cabinet members will immediately be safely evacuated to a Command-and- Control Centre in the hills of Tuscany. (Assuming of course, that they're not already there).

When we win the war on terror, we'll invite selected Liverpudlian and Mancunian pop singers, American cinema idols, A-List entertainers, millionaires, newspaper proprietors, classical dancers, promiscuous narcissistic Premiership footie stars, hairdressers, "celebrity" chefs, TV soap stars, The Queen, Caprice, Jordan and, of course, a few disadvantaged schoolchildren to Downing Street for an exclusive 'Champagne, Caviar, Canapes, Wine and Cheese' jolly good photo opportunity reception evening.

More information is available on:

We are afraid that we would not presently recommend Guantanamo Bay, Chechnya, Croatia, Tikrit, Najaf, Zimbabwe, Bali, North Korea, The Wailing Wall (Israel), Yemen, Spain, Eastern Europe, Athens, India, the Tora Bora mountain caves, North America, or Tipton as an ideal holiday destination.

If you see anyone with a funny accent and a swarthy look, down your local D.I.Y. store buying up hundreds of 99-pence box-cutter knives, or screwdrivers, we would advise that you ask a free sales person to immediately put an announcement over their tannoy system asking every customer not to undertake any unnecessary air travel for the foreseeable future.

If you are a commercial manufacturer of aerospace missiles, weapons, precision arms systems, or surveillance and eavesdropping paraphernalia, have you exported any stuff to any characters who seem a little shifty or suspicious recently?

Terrorists need a place to live:
Flatmates - have you seen traces of sarin, ricin, or of deadly weapon-grade plutonium or uranium on the kitchen top, or when carrying out the rubbish sack every morning?

Government credo on terrorism:
It is a Government policy to keep the public in the dark about any specific threat, if, theoretically, there would be nothing the public could do about the aforementioned terrorism threat in any case. Dead is the new alive.

Emergency contact details:

The Waste Paper Recycling Advisory Commission: 0800-905909

The Afghan Embassy: 020-7589 8891

The Iraqi Embassy: 020-758 9790

Aljazeera Television: +97 - 438 2797

The Society of WillWriters & Estate Planning Practitioners: 0890-689787

The National Association of Funeral Directors: 0845-29096

The National Office of Statistics and Guesswork: 0800-996609, I think. Or maybe it was 0900-56979. Or something near that. We get it spot on periodically, ie: 23% - 25% of the time.

Things we'd much rather you forget about, frankly.

Recent intelligence failures (terrorism, and general).

That no so-called Weapons of Mass Destruction were actually found.
(Surprise surprise!).

The policy of holding terrorist suspects at Camp X-Ray for years without charge, if not actually illegal, is deemed against some of the principles of the Geneva Convention, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Alastair Campbell's "sexed-up" dodgy dossier crisis.

The suicide of former United Nations weapons inspector David Kelly.

The Hutton Complete Whitewash.

The fact that the leaflet was cobbled together from various sections of a student's four-year old thesis found while we were surfing the internet.


Voting form

"Yo, proles! Emperor Tone, da main man here again. Yes, so even we, er, I ..screwed up occasionally. Alright, I confess...quite often. (Due chiefly, I feel, to various socio-economic factors, and, er...the previous Conservative administration, of course!). I *am* sincerely sorry. Deeply, deeply sorry. Very, very nearly sorry indeed. America's poodle? Never! Look, after Nine-Eleven, I did at least get rid of Saddam Hussein. And you face it, you really do *not* want those nasty old Conservatives back in power again, do you? Scary! Or even to be governed by a party run by some pudding-faced ginger-headed spineless yellow-bellied bleeding-heart Scottish fat old soak? Er, no...I thought not. So come on, could you please mark the space below clearly with an 'X'...

1. LABOUR ..... (Here!)

..and go cut the form (ie: along the dotted line) using care (ie: with your blunt-nosed plastic scissors in your first aid kit, please. Safety first! Prevention is better than cure, I believe!) and post it at once (Freepost) to:

Premier-for-life Blair,
Ivory Towers,
10 Downing Street,

Cheers - Tone".

"Do not forget, we know where you live, dearie. You've been warned". - Peter 'Prince Of Darkness' Mandelson, United Kingdom European Union Trade Commissioner, Minister for Mysterious Disappearances, and (with Reinaldo da Silva) Rio de Janeiro Alternative Nightlife Minister.

If you should want to, for some reason, you can download even more copies of the leaflet free of charge at:

This practical, most needed, informative document is available in pretty much every commonly used language we could ever possibly think of. (Except for Italian, Japanese...or German of course). Even Arabic, ironically. In fact, David Blunkett (a nice, pioneering chappie from the Home Office) has even seen fit to issue a braille version.

Should you so choose, you may freely reproduce or copy text in the document, in most proper circumstances, ie: press or internet, subject only to it specifically not, repeat NOT ever being turned into a sarcastic anagram. If it is, could you please call the police on 999 at once.

Any errors or inaccuracies, evasiveness, furtiveness, severe condescension, sheer irrelevance, Machiavellian conspiracies, secretiveness, slipperiness, seediness, complete drivel...

© 2004, Downing Street Office of Misinformation, Spin, Spiel and Gloss.


[Below is Shakespeare's 2nd sonnet. To the right is a paraphrase sonnet, in which every line is an anagram.]

When forty winters shall besiege thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field,
Thy youth's proud livery so gazed on now,
Will be a totter'd weed of small worth held:
Then being asked, where all thy beauty lies,
Where all the treasure of thy lusty days;
To say, within thine own deep sunken eyes,
Were an all-eating shame, and thriftless praise.
How much more praise deserv'd thy beauty's use,
If thou couldst answer 'This fair child of mine
Shall sum my count, and make my old excuse,'
Proving his beauty by succession thine!
This were to be new made when thou art old,
And see thy blood warm when thou feel'st it cold.

Sonnet Number Two by William Shakespeare

A Time's bane rumples lines on thy weak brow
When master plowmen break in Beauty's soil;
Thy prime new blouse's bleak as raiment now -
Banal, unkempt; worn, seam-wise, by sheer toil.
"Is Beauty's rank the same now?", men will probe,
"Why are keen blasts but memories, now plain?"
Some answers will but make thy pain enrobe
The numb eye - soon, its amber spark will wane...
Muse on what tokens praise by men will bear
When smirk will note: "My babe, so neat as pure!
"Small kin's been worth my pious, beaten wear",
Yet thine own babe a mom's spark will ensure:
Near his new smiles, low ebb to peak may turn,
Whilst passion may let one weak ember burn.


Sonnet #17 anagrammed five different ways:

Who will believe my verse in time to come,
If it were fill'd with your most high deserts?
Though yet heaven knows it is but as a tomb
Which hides your life, and shows not half your parts.
If I could write the beauty of your eyes,
And in fresh numbers number all your graces,
The age to come would say 'This poet lies;
Such heavenly touches ne'er touch'd earthly faces.'
So should my papers, yellow'd with their age,
Be scorn'd, like old men of less truth than tongue,
And your true rights be term'd a poet's rage
And stretched metre of an antique song:
But were some child of yours alive that time,
You should live twice, in it, and in my rhyme.


Who will me choose to trust some future day
If I your vivid blossoms bright survey?
God sees I tinge thee thus: pale, wilted, grey -
O shining hues blurred, of thy rich bouquet.
Could I but tell how wanton, sweet, how gay
Your carefree, stunning, childlike features, they
Who'll hear me, found one future age, will say
'There's such strained shine! No female looks that way.'
So lest this true poem wither in decay,
And in contempt, as verses that display
The bard's mirage, be scorned which themes convey
Out of some tune from times remote, we may
Behold thine heir thy radiant face portray,
And you'll live doubly, much to their dismay!


Who that my quill truth teaches could agree,
If it transcribes thy bloom abundant? He
Who rules above knows it lays down one wee
Slight clause of your true beauties, youthful, free.
Should it depict to wit's utmost degree
Your native grace, nay your sublimity,
One future epoch you might hear decree
'False Muse! Earth will this splendor never see.'
So if my rhyming verse maligned should be,
This hand's myth known, lies that were voiced by me,
And each line which doth mimic charms of thee
They style that darned bard's wrong distortion spree,
Then if from you would issue progeny,
Oh, that two times you'll live, as I foresee.

Ah who, years hence, these bold words will deny,
If I would raise thine ensign brilliant high?
Sure, even though God sees that it falls shy
Of thine eyes' glow, outbeaming noontime sky,
That blue shine of those rare orbs makes me sigh,
And to rehearse their praise I'm wont to try.
The future will accuse my rhymes 'They lie;
Such charm could to no mortal frame apply.'
But my true brave words, void are touted by
Those twisted caustic critics, who rule my
Outdated love-mad cause went quite awry.
Then to such rude tongues would be this reply
'If offspring come of thee, then should you die
You'll live in them, and in my verse, for aye.'


Will earth on this rhyme eulogies bestow,
If it surveys all your blithe graces? Oh
That I your beauties shroud does Heaven know,
Purveying an amount that's far too low.
Could I your youthful look tell, say your glow;
Your charms but name in much speech apropos,
This edict will succeeding times breathe 'No,
These blest charms grace no damsel here below.'
Then if deemed strained my choicest lines faint grow,
Dissatisfied they'd sneer 'Believe this show?' -
Your unmatched beauty deemed my fraud - 'Truth? So
To that quaint rhymester this untruth we owe.'
If of thee progeny did ever flow,
In them, and my verse, on thy life will go.


Who'll cheer my tune's strains ages hence 'They're true!'
If I compose this symphony of you?
Heaven ill impressed my brief duet sees through -
Marred monophonic fugue, with parts too few.
Could I well adumbrate your youth - with new
Fresh vivid modulations measure you,
Those ages' sentence will be 'We eschew
As quite devoid of truth that ill scored view.'
O if my music, faint, and breathless too,
They think deranged, these lying aesthetes who
My lyrics to your ideal brilliance do
That bard's berserk, rhymed wanting rant construe,
If yet a daughter fair should come through you,
The times you'll live shall be, not one, but two.


Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

[Christina Rossetti]

Please overlook my ancient history;
You ought not fumble for a higher truth,
The rare tale from my proud and nimble youth -
Not one can ban an autumn from this tree.
Care not for where and how they bury me -
The greatest funeral won't raise the dead;
Let marshland be my final resting bed,
And random torrent be my eulogy.
Don't grant a dream of me to fog your mind;
Your honors will show up one day too late...
The Earth, you see, will measure my life's weight
By cubs I grew and by the art I made;
And if I leave not one of those behind
Then truly, my cursed name deserves to fade.


How The Grinch Stole Christmas!

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Who-ville, Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew...all the Who girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise!
Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated!

Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Who-Christmas-Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Grinch looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh, and he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Whos
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Whos' feast!
He took the Who-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Who-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.

The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Who daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"

"You're a foul one Mr. Grinch! You're a nasty wasty skunk!"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

"You're a mean one Mr. Grinch!"

He did the same thing
To the other Whos' houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Whos' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...all the Whos, still a-bed,
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-Pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Who-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well, in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!

And he...
The Grinch carved the roast beast!

How The Kraus Became Human

Each Forum member, they loved votes a lot...
'Though The Kraus (and his pet dog) in Rehovot, did NOT!
The Anagrammy charade, which he hated SO much,
These Awards were "rightfully his!" (Hey! Don't touch!).

Hell, it might be that he was genuinely needy,
Most likely, though, that he's just bloody damn greedy!
Ouch! Losing one category hurt beyond measure;
That sweep of nine would he highly treasure!

"Oh, them upstarts are busy!" he'd snarl with a sneer.
"I must hurry! The month end, it's practically here!
That mantelpiece with trophies FULL would be fine,
Thus I must plot some way to win nine out of nine!"

"But how? - How, oh how? - How, mutt? HOW?" The Kraus howled.
"Oh, how may the others' hopes right up be fouled?".
The hound viewed him warily, left a scent trail,
Sniffed, then snuck to the kennel, wagging his tail.

He sighed, plotting...then got an astonishing idea!
- 'Though dastardly, low-down, this concept might get
The nine-gongs showdown, on which his mind he'd set!

Giggling, he called: "Here Aronas! Good boy!
What say that we pinch us some 'pooters, then? Oy!
It's high-time to shoot, we've no time to act slow!
Down with that bone, boy! Hey! Showtime! Let's go!"
His faithful henchmongrel's paw in his hand,
He shut Windows, lights out; "Zayt gesunt, Holy Land!"

Incognito, with nodding, obedient pal,
Took forthwith to the night air, flight courtesy El-Al.
First, high-tailed it to Blighty, to London Heathrow,
Lord Nelson...Downing all landmarks he'd go.
Then London to Cardiff (Joe Fathallah's, in fact);
- This quiet little Welshman, his PC re-packed.

Then shot over to Dorset, down a chimneystack slunk.
Woke up a rug-rat, as he crashed with a THUNK!
Caught by a sproglette, up to his knee!
'Twas little JB (Ahhh! Bless!), not quite three.
She thcweamed! How she thcweamed! Then she started to cry:
"Oh, why are you here? Why, oh Santa Kwaus, why?"

The Kraus thought a moment, then he replied:
"Hush hush! You've no firewall! Your drive's open wide!
Ugh!! It's full up with CREEPIES! And CRAWLIES! And WORMS!
No doubt, child, it's out of the guaranteed terms.
Ugh!!! This PC's infected with viruses, dear!
I'll take it away, huh? I'll bring it back clear!"
He patted the child on her pretty, cute head,
Slipped her a brandy and sent her to bed.

Down the rather long highway to Rochester, Kent;
In The Kraus' bag, David Bourke's Medion went.
Then was down the road, downtown Knockholt, thereafter,
Visiting he went, chez Tony Crafter,
(Who was Daily Mail-reading, whilst on the john),
Whoosh! Two seconds flat, Tony's Tiny was gone!

Then Adrian Hickford...then David A. Green...
Their PCs were pilfered, no more to be seen.
But down Horsham, The Kraus had a time highly torrid;
In disgusting Pus covered, quite Stretchy and Horrid!

From England, to "Dr. Neuss" (Hans-Peter Reich),
Whose gadgets he filched, then on his bike.
Then down to Serbia, to Novi Sad,
Where Zoran's PC, oh, how quickly he had!

He went down to Slovenia, to Matjaz Pihler;
Made off with his Dell in a stolen three-wheeler.
Then made a call on Paul Pan, down in Greece,
Of his PC system in order to fleece.

Fast as greased lightning! He just didn't dither,
Went 'round the planet, scheming hither-and-thither!
With stealth, nonetheless - he'd that voting to smash.
How ruthless! How lawless! How heartless! How rash!
He'd turned into a wrong'un, some right little git.
- That's something which even his mom might admit!

he then crsosed the sea spnaish shcooner
donw to waltre tristan da cunha!!!
wtih walts wief anita the kraus had wild sex
then made off in the nihgt with walts sincliar ZX!!!!!!!!

Then, Senor Guiraldes. (Santiago, in Chile).
- Ernesto's back door was unlocked. (Oh, how SILLY!)
The Kraus crept within. Oh, there IS no thief calmer!
He whipped both Ernie's terminal and his pet llama!

Crossed the Amazon, slithered to Trenton (the States);
Rick Rothstein's big Alien took up two crates!
Then Scott Gardner lost pretty much all his technology:
The Kraus dispossessed him without an apology.

Mikes Mesterton-Gibbons, and Keith? He'd subtracted
From them both their mainframes. (Which he had compacted).
In Washington State was his next hometown goal,
That's where Rosie Perera's Toshiba he stole.

Toby Gottfried? He's next! (Santa Ana, CA).
- His prized Hewlett-Packard? 'Twas snatched away!
Whilst down Forsyth, Missouri, Chris Doyle was so cross,
That limericks he wrote on his H-P loss.

Paul Lusch (Detroit, Michigan) - his PC was taken.
In time, Jesse Frankovich didn't awaken.
Richard Brodie did wake, found his room wholly bare.
- Swagged, even his Bible! He hadn't a prayer.

Allan Morley, Tom Myers, they'd both something lost,
Then, Matthew O'Dempsey's Dell, next out was tossed.
With his torchlight he went, a cut-throat thief in the night;
Of which, utter thoughtlessness, this was the height!

To Toronto, in Canada...Al Yoshioka,
The theft of his shiny PC was a choker:
"Twas quite irreplaceable! I can't buy or barter,
A piano-black 'Frankenstein' Antec Sonata!"

Australia: Last length of the moonlight world tour;
Richard Grantham's PC, he'd soon own no more!
To Newcastle, New South Wales: Old Larry Brash,
His Apple (Mac G-Three) was picked in a flash!

The Kraus got back, possums, from Oz, the New Year,
Oh shit! NO nominations! How he'd shout! - "OH DEAR!"
Doh! Posting at all he had utterly forgotten!
He'd run right out of time...which he cursed something rotten!

His rivals, (which, it seems, he'd not managed to faze),
All posts, they had then sent from cybercafes!
Instead of nine pieces of silverware shining,
He ran, downcast, 'round Rehovot cussing and whining!

He drunk two half-bottles of gin, with no tonics,
Smoked hash, which helped (not!) with his high histrionics,
With elections not long nigh...but no more the hero,
A duck! Nothing! Nowt! Zip! Zilch! Damn sodding ZERO!

Sloshed, totally sodden, he hissed! How he hissed!
Hic! The whole damn world, truly indignant, he "dissed".
He went downright CRAZY! (Like that Wonderland hatter):
Fuming "this is a rather regrettable matter!".
Hollow, worthless, he'd thought of the HUMILIATION!
Then, aghast, he sat down, in quiet contemplation.

He'd thoroughly considered The Forum of leaving;
Counted nothing to ten (twice!) to steady his breathing.
The cold sweats desisted...the heartbeat subsided,
He long weighed-up his stay he decided.

Instead of angst, hissy-fits, tantrums, and pique,
He found he'd unburdened five years' winning streak.
Thus the pressure of such high expectations had lifted,
- With kosher humility, he had been gifted!

The nightmare was behind him! Oh, hot damn tamale!
The schlemiel knew he'd acted a right proper charlie!
With wisdom of hindsight, lucky not to get caught;
Thankful, "...hindsight's a wonderful thing!" he then thought.

Whoo-hoo!! Liberated! He felt that much better!
He toasted the memory of Mr Daniel F. Etter.
Sure, he must still be the world's Number One,
But now that damn pressure was off, he'd have FUN!

He sang the Mey-song, then he danced the Mey-dance,
Then he thought that he'd slow down, hand the others a chance;
"Beginning with this month, we shall have equal voice!",
Then The Kraus ...
HE HIMSELF picked "Awardmaster's Choice"!

(After this year's voting, though, one thing to say:
From all of us this month. That's "Mazeltov, Mey!").