PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
3 This booklet tells you what to do in an emergency
4 General advice about what to do in an emergency
6 Coping with specific emergencies
10 What to do if you're not at home
12 Basic First Aid
14 Preparing for an emergency
16 Helping to prevent a terrorist attack
18 What's being done to protect the UK?
20 Emergency contact details
21 Things to remember
22 Order form
The material used in this publication is constituted from 75%
post consumer waste and 25% virgin fibre
this booklet tells you what to do in an emergency
"The Emergency Planning Society believes that this booklet provides
valuable and common sense advice for the public, that can easily be
adapted for use in many domestic situations. The fact that every home
will have this advice can only be a good thing."
- Debbie Spargo, Chief Executive of the Emergency Planning Society
The Government is working hard to make sure that the UK is as prepared
as it can be in the event of an emergency, and it is important that you
are ready too. By being informed and prepared, you can significantly
reduce the risk to life and property. This booklet will tell you how
you can help yourself and your family in emergencies. A lot of this
information is based on common sense advice and may seem obvious or
familiar to you, but it has saved lives in the past. It will also let
you know what has been done to prepare and protect our country in recent
years. If you need alternative language versions or formats, please
complete the form at the back of the booklet. You can also download
more copies of this booklet at www.preparingforemergencies.gov.uk and
find many useful links to partner sites for more information.
general advice about what to do in an emergency
If you find yourself in the middle of an emergency, your common sense and
instincts will usually tell you what to do. However, it is important to:
- Make sure 999 has been called if people are injured or if there is a
threat to life
- Not put yourself or others in danger
- Follow the advice of the emergency services
- Try to remain calm and think before acting, and try to reassure others
- Check for injuries - remember to help yourself before attempting to help
If you are not involved in the incident, but are close by or believe you
may be in danger, in most cases the advice is:
- Go inside a safe building
- Stay inside until you are advised to do otherwise
- Tune in to local radio or TV for more information
Of course, there are always going to be particular occasions when you
should not "go in" to a building, for example if there is a fire.
Otherwise: GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN.
Go in, Stay in, Tune in
The GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN advice is recognised and used around the world.
It was developed by the independent National Steering Committee on Warning
and Informing the Public as being the best general advice to give people
caught up in most emergencies.
There is an agreement with radio and TV companies that if there is a
major emergency they will interrupt programming to give public safety
advice and information about the incident, so that when you TUNE IN
locally or nationally anywhere in the UK you'll get the advice you need.
coping with specific emergencies
The emergency services are trained to cope with a wide range of emergency
situations, but there is a lot that you can do to help them and yourself.
Fire prevention and safety
- Reduce fire hazards in your home
- Fit and maintain smoke alarms
- at least one on every floor
- Most fire deaths and injuries occur while people are sleeping.
Plan an escape route should a fire break out at night
- If there is a fire, get out, stay out and call 999
- Never use the lift
- If moving or trapped in smoke stay close to the floor where the
air is cleaner
- If a door feels hot, do not open it, as it probably means there
is a fire on the other side
- never re-enter your home until the Fire and Rescue
Service has made it safe
"Do not wait until a fire occurs to think about it. Act now. Nearly
all fires are preventable. You can get further practical, easy to
follow advice on preventing fires and protecting your home from your
local fire station."
- Alan Doig, President of the Chief and
Assistant Chief Fire Officers' Association
If there is a bomb warning at your place of work, follow the advice
of those in charge. If a bomb goes off in your building, look for
the safest way out.
If you are trapped in debris:
- Stay close to a wall and tap on pipes so that rescuers can hear you
- Do not use matches or lighters in case of gas leaks
If a bomb goes off outside your building, stay inside (away from windows,
lifts and outer doors) in case there is a second bomb in the area.
If you saw the explosion, stay in the area in a safe place and tell the
police what you saw.
The Fire and Rescue Service has become equipped in recent years to
decontaminate large numbers of people quickly. This involves showering
with soap and water and then dressing in temporary clothing that would
be provided. It is important that this takes place where the incident
happened so that other areas, including homes, are not contaminated. If
necessary you would also be assessed by health service personnel.
Chemical, biological or radiological (CBR) incident
- Move away from the immediate source of danger
- But wait for the emergency services to arrive and examine you and,
if necessary, decontaminate you
- If you go home untreated you could contaminate others and make any
If there is a major power cut, turn off electrical appliances that will
automatically switch on when power is restored - if several restart at
once, they may overload the system. TUNE IN to local radio for advice
and updates using a battery powered radio.
In all of these situations - keep calm, think before you act and listen
to the advice of the emergency services.
Emergency plans exist in all areas of the UK The police, fire and ambulance
services have tried and tested plans for responding to incidents, from fires
to explosions, whether they are at your home, your school or affecting
Health and hospitals
Emergency equipment, vaccines and antibiotics are stored around the UK and
are quickly available to doctors.
Emergency planning exercises
Every year, many exercises are held involving the emergency services and
all agencies responsible for recovery. These exercises practise our response
to a range of emergencies, including terrorism, by testing our preparedness.
what to do if you're not at home
..safety of your children
If your children are at school you will naturally want to collect them as
soon as possible in the event of a major emergency. But it may not be
safe to do so. Please TUNE IN to your local radio station for advice and
for details of the arrangements your local council has made for letting
parents know when to collect their children from school.
All schools have plans to cope with local emergencies such as fire and flood,
and teachers and support staff do all they can to look after the pupils in
their charge. You can find out more about school emergency planning from
safety and security at work...
Employers have a responsibility for the safety and security of their staff.
All businesses should have arrangements in place to deal with the impact of
a major incident or disaster. Make sure you understand what you need to do
in an emergency at work. If you are a business, for advice on emergency
planning go to www.mi5.gov.uk
basic first aid
"By being prepared and understanding the basics of First Aid, the public
can be of great help until the emergency services arrive to take over -
it helps save lives."
- Liam Donaldson, Chief Medical Officer
Knowing what to do in an emergency is vitally important. Consider getting
some First Aid training and a First Aid kit, and familiarise yourself with
how to deal with some of the more common situations opposite. If someone
is injured, the following steps will keep them as safe as possible until
professional help arrives:
- If people are seriously injured call 999 immediately
- Keep calm
- Make sure you and the injured person are not in danger
- Assess the injured person carefully and act on your findings using the
basic First Aid steps opposite
- remember, these are not a complete
First Aid guide
- Keep an eye on the injured person's condition until the emergency
If the person is unconscious with no obvious sign of life, call 999 and
ask for an ambulance. If you or any bystander has the necessary skills,
give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation while you wait for the emergency
Control severe bleeding by applying firm pressure to the wound using a
clean, dry dressing and raise it above the level of the heart. Lay the
person down, reassure them, keep them warm and loosen tight clothing.
For all burns, cool with water for at least 10 minutes. Wrap the affected
part in clingfilm, do not apply dry dressings, keep the patient warm and
call an ambulance.
Try to avoid as much movement as possible.
If you'd like more information or advice, go to www.redcross.org.uk/firstaid
preparing for an emergency - what you can do
To prepare for an emergency, you should take time to find out:
- Where and how to turn off water, gas and electricity supplies in your home
- The emergency procedures for your children at school
- The emergency procedures at your workplace
- How your family will stay in contact in the event of an emergency
- If any elderly or vulnerable neighbours might need your help
- How to tune in to your local radio station
If you are at home and an emergency happens, try to gather together:
- A list of useful phone numbers, such as your doctor's and close relatives'
- Home and car keys
- Toiletries, sanitary supplies and any regularly prescribed medication
- A battery radio, with spare batteries
- A torch with spare batteries, candles and matches
- A First Aid kit
- Your mobile phone
- Cash and credit cards
- Spare clothes and blankets
Also, it is always useful to have:
- Bottled water, ready-to-eat food (e.g. tinned food) and a bottle/tin
opener, in case you have to remain in your home for several days
In certain very unlikely situations, you may be asked to leave your home
by the emergency services. If this happens, leave as quickly and calmly
as possible. And, if you have time:
- Turn off electricity, gas and water supplies, unplug appliances and lock all
doors and windows
- See the items listed above for what to take with you
- If you leave by car, take bottled water and blankets, and tune in to local
radio for emergency advice and instructions
When you are told that it is safe to return home, open windows to provide
fresh air before reconnecting gas, electricity and water supplies.
helping to prevent a terrorist attack
"All information received by the hotline is researched and investigated before
any police action is taken. Let us decide whether the information you have is
valuable or not. We still very much need your help to reduce the danger posed
by terrorists. Indeed, a number of serious terrorist crimes have been thwarted
thanks to the eyes and ears of the public.²
- Peter Clarke, Deputy Assistant Commissioner
ACPO National Co-ordinator of Terrorist Investigations
You can call the Police Anti-Terrorism Hotline on 0800 789 321. All calls will
be treated in confidence. If you believe there is an immediate threat to life,
Possible signs of terrorism
You may have vital information. If you hear, see or come across anything that
may be linked with terrorist activity, please tell the police. They want to
hear from you.
A place to live: Are you suspicious about any tenants or guests?
Have you seen anyone pay an unusual amount of attention to security
measures at any location?
Individuals may set up bogus bank accounts, copy credit cards, return
goods for large cash refunds.
If you are a retailer, do you have any cause to be suspicious about
anything being bought?
Our ability to prevent a terrorist attack does not depend on the authorities
alone. How well we cope also depends on you.
Links to useful information and advice can be found at
"Countering terrorism is MI5's highest priority. Working closely with our
law enforcement and intelligence partners, we strive to keep the UK safe
and make it difficult for terrorists to operate here. But public vigilance,
good sense and co-operation are just as important and essential components
of the UK's response as a whole."
Eliza Manningham-Buller, Director General of the Security Service (MI5)
Terrorist bomb attacks mostly happen in public places, especially where
people gather or travel.
- Be vigilant
- Look out for suspicious behaviour, vehicles or packages
- Do not hesitate to tell the police
Government policy on terrorism
Public safety is our first priority in all decisions about public
information or warnings. It is the Government's policy to issue
warnings when the public can take action in response to a specific
or credible threat. Such warnings will also provide further information
that will help the public respond effectively.
what's being done to protect the UK?
The police, fire and ambulance services are specially trained to deal
with major emergencies and have specialist equipment to cope with a
whole range of incidents. If necessary, military assistance can be
called on by the Government and the emergency services.
There is now increased baggage and passenger screening at UK airports,
and where appropriate UK aircraft carry plain-clothes police. Stronger
cockpit doors have also been fitted to all sizeable aircraft.
We have also installed state-of-the-art surveillance systems at ports
and traffic entry points into the UK. Also, all transport operators
have emergency plans to evacuate you safely from their services if
there is an emergency.
To check on the safety of a particular destination or country, ask your
travel agent or the Foreign & Commonwealth Office at www.fco.gov.uk or
call 0870 606 0290.
Over the last three years security around vital national resources such
as water, energy and transport systems has been improved, safety advice
given to potentially vulnerable businesses and locations, and laws toughened
to make it more difficult for terrorists to operate here.
A lot of this work has to remain secret so potential terrorists don't
get useful information.
The UK has had to live with the threat of terrorism for many years and the
emergency services have well established plans and procedures in place to
deal with a wide range of events. The Government has a comprehensive programme
of work to improve the response to a range of disruptive emergencies that might
affect the UK, not only terrorism. It aims to ensure we are able to respond to
emergencies at the national, regional and local level, and to make sure that
the essential services (food, water, transport, health, financial services etc)
emergency contact details
You may find it useful to complete these contact details and keep them somewhere
safe. You should be able to find these numbers in your local telephone directory.
0800 789 321
Foreign & Commonwealth Office
0870 606 0290
Local Police Station
Local Radio Station
Frequency (see local press for details)
For more information onpreparing for emergencies see
If you are involved in any emergency it is important to:
- Make sure 999 has been called if people are injured or
if there is a threat to life
- Not put yourself or others in danger
- Follow the advice of the emergency services
- Try to remain calm and think before acting and try to reassure others
- Check for injuries
- remember to attend to yourself before attempting
to help others
If you are not involved in an accident but are close by or believe you
may be in danger, in most cases the advice is: GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN.
For further information you can visit www.preparingforemergencies.gov.uk
Tear off this page and keep it somewhere safe for your reference.
© Crown Copyright 2003. The text in this document may be reproduced
free of charge in any format or media without requiring specific
permission. This is subject to the material not being used in a
derogatory manner or in a misleading context. The source of the
material must be acknowledged as Crown Copyright and the title of the
document must be included when being reproduced as part of another
publication or service.
To order more copies of this booklet, translations or alternative
formats, fill out this form, cut out where marked and post to
Preparing For Emergencies,
Croydon CR9 4WZ
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Please write the number of copies you want next to your choice
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You can also download more copies of this booklet at
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and Hindi are also available on this website.
PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES
WHAT YOU ALREADY KNEW
3 A very nice, reassuring message from our beloved leader
4 Stating the bleedin' obvious
6 In the event the shit *does* ever hit the fan
10 Teaching your grandmother to suck eggs
12 Basic First Aid
14 General advice about what to do in emergencies
16 Help to prevent a terrorist attack
18 What is being done to protect the UK?
20 Emergency contact details
21 Things we'd much rather you forget about, frankly.
22 Voting form
Advice given in this free publication is reconstituted from
0.5% recycled hot air and 99.5% patronising waffle.
The booklet tells you what to do in an emergency ('cos of
course, we really *like* telling you what to do).
"Downing Street believes the booklet marginally increases
Labour's chances of being re-elected for a third term".
- Charles Clarke, Labour Party Chairman
A very nice, reassuring message from our beloved leader:
"Look, I...um, er...see, it isn't like I...er, you know...
I actually *want* to scare the crap out of you, or because I want
you to go into a mad panic of fear, or anything like that,
goodness me no, but I, er...cripes! I, er...suppose it *was* me
that got us into this dangerous mess with my shameless sucking-up
to American president George W. Bush, and so I...you know...I
thought that OK, yes...we may indeed be the second most despised
country on the face of our planet, but hey, come on...I believe
you really shouldn't let teensy-weensy little nitpicking mere
details like that worry you, and in the event that the grim
reaper doesn't actually call, and you *don't* all keel over,
or get blown to smithereens by Al-Qaida or their cruel, evil
associates, you, the British electorate can...like, you know
..look back and thank my Labour Government for producing this,
er...helpful and, I feel, enormously interesting leaflet, and
can show their true gratitude to me by standing shoulder-to-
shoulder and voting me President of a Federal Europe. (Preen!).
Carry on, everyone, stay cool! Thank you."
His Serene Highness the Right Honourable Anthony Charles
Lynton Blair, MP. - Prime Minister, First Lord of the
Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service. (Dictated
from a sunlounger on Silvio Berlusconi's yacht).
"Having no real proper policies of my own yet, I merely endorse
these comments". - Michael 'Something Of The Night' Howard,
Leader of the Opposition.
Stating the bleedin' obvious:
If you don't eat (ie: food), you might get a bit hungry.
If you don't drink (ie: water), you might get a bit thirsty.
Doors need keys.
Torches need batteries.
The emergency services are trained to deal with emergency incidents.
Hospitals contain medicines, and even people to administer them.
(But not, unfortunately, within 45 minutes).
We would advise, as a general rule of thumb, that you do not
practise your circus fire-breathing act whilst in the vicinity of
a chip-pan full of boiling oil. Fatalities are quite likely indeed.
If practical, do not remain in a fire. They are dangerous, are rather
hot, and there is a risk of being very severely burnt, you know.
The National Office of Statistics and Guesswork have advised us that
a terrorist massacre is somewhere about in the region of between circa
17.9 and 29.2 times more likely in Oxford Street in the middle of a rush
hour than an attack at four in the morning on the Isle of Arran. (Not
that we are trying to worry the Isle of Arran inhabitants, of course.
Somewhere of a substantially similar geography and demography would do
for these purposes of the comparison).
In the event the shit *does* ever hit the fan
Put your head between your knees, pray, and kiss your arse goodbye.
(Please fill out the voting page at the back of the leaflet first).
"Hey, are you lookin' at me, pal?".
- John 'Two Jags' Prescott MP, Deputy Prime Minister and
First Secretary of State. (Overheard in 'The Battered Flounder'
fish 'n' chip shop in Kingston-upon-Hull).
By producing this leaflet, the government reveals that it is
seemingly more interested in spending at least the official
figure of about £8.3 million of your money on a project that
may, in the event of an apocalyptic terrorist attack, save a
handful of lives, when the same amount of money spent combatting
the MRSA bug in hospitals would save many thousands of lives.
More free nuggets of well-meant governmental advice can be seen at:
(Don't tell 'em your name, Pike!)
Teaching your grandmother to suck eggs
"The sacrifices and sheer bravery of the British people saw us through
our darkest hour during the Blitz. Um, I suppose that a terrorist air
attack might be like that. Only a bit different. Or something.
Er, we've been in power for seven years now, you know".
- The Right Honourable Geoffrey Hoon MP, UK Secretary of State for
(Sitting on De)fence.
"Er, I'd like some more classic-styled 300-pounds-a-roll poncy
velvet wallpaper for my ostentatious aristocratic pad again, please!"
- Lord Chancellor, Lord Derry Irvine.
Basic First Aid
In the (extremely unlikely, of course) eventuality of a large
hijacked aeroplane ever being deliberately flown by terrorists
into the side of a very tall building (or, indeed a Dome), the
most advisable specific course of action is to cover the patient,
if not conscious, and place jewellery, keys, loose change, fillings,
etc. into an envelope, and post these to the next-of-kin.
Loss of limbs (caused by flying bits of fuselage, etc.):
Place the deceased...er, we mean patient...in a recovery position,
if necessary propping-up with severed feet. Stem the flow of blood
with circular pieces of sticky-back plastic of a colour and pattern
of your choosing (cut with a blunt-nosed pair of plastic scissors
- it might be safest to get mummy or daddy to help you here, just
in case). Construct some replica prosthetic limbs out of empty
washing-up liquid bottles, toilet roll tubes, and any leftover
pieces of sticky-back plastic. Here's one we made earlier.
(Get down, Shep!).
(Caused again by flying bits of fuselage, or in the event of
governmental non-compliance with monetary or political demands
following kidnapping by radical terrorist cells, anti-Western
African militia groups, or Mujahideen "freedom fighters"):
As above, but construct a replacement head out of papier-mache.
You will need: A balloon, a tape measure, several sheets of
newspaper, a water-based broad chisel-tipped felt marker pen
(to draw a face), crepe paper for new eyes, some wallpaper paste,
a sieve, a wooden spoon, and a bowl of warm water. (In case of
interruption of water supplies by a major catastrophe, do keep
a jug of water under the kitchen sink specifically for the purpose).
Do not, of course, forget to inflate the balloon before building-up
these layers of papier-mache around it by blowing into it. (Papier-
mache or crepe may also be useful for performing emergency skin
grafts, ie: should you, or any member of your family, or any of
your friends get horribly disfigured by burning aviation fuel
cascading down the building). Once it is fully dry, use some non-
toxic pastel crayons or watercolour paints to match up the papier-
mache to the patient's race/skin tone, or as close as is reasonably
possible (ie: Caucasian white, creamy-yellow, peach pink, Asiatic
ochre, cerise, mediterranean olive, caramel, sepia, Hawaiian copper,
puce, strawberry, tomato, cocoa, coffee, deep chocolate, maori charcoal,
"Try not to make a mess of the carpet, there's a good boy! (Or girl,
please don't take this as a gender-specific comment)".
- Patricia Hewitt MP, Secretary of State for Trade & Industry and
Minister for Women.
General advice about what to do in emergencies:
If you should find yourself in the middle of terrorist atrocities,
your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do.
Alternatively, you could always foolishly choose to stand around
reading this leaflet as huge great chunks of masonry, ceilings, and
twisted steel come tumbling down around you. Your choice. (We would
not generally advise that you take the latter course of emergency
Go in, Stay in, Tune in
Our GO IN, STAY IN, TUNE IN advice was developed over several rounds
of Theakston's Old Peculier by a couple of blokes down a pub as being
the best general advice to give to any poor innocent people unfortunate
enough to be trapped on the upper floors of a burning skyscraper.
More practical anti-terrorism information is available at:
(The Government Real Ale Steering Committee is of course
aware that Old Peculier is a beer, not a lager).
There is an agreement with TV companies that if there is a specific
major emergency scare, they will consider interrupting programming
to screen appropriate public safety advice, even if 'Big Brother',
'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!', 'Coronation Street' or
'EastEnders' is on at the time.
Remember - never re-enter your house until greedy American corporations
that do not mind bunging the Republican administration a mere few million
dollars have secured and completed a lucrative contract to rebuild it.
If you see an explosion, go to a safe place, and make an international
phone call back here to the UK to tell the police what you saw.
Help to prevent a terrorist attack:
In the first instance, every other democracy agrees, do not invade,
sorry, liberate countries from the repressive dictatorial jackboot
without proper backing (ie: United Nations Security Council
If a man with a very long beard, on a camel, answering to the name
of Osama Bin Laden knocks on your front door, we would recommend
you don't open it. Request some form of official identification
before inviting him in for a cup of tea or coffee.
Free advice to reduce the chance of maiming or severe death to
yourself or others:
When travelling in public, according to the National Office of
Statistics and Guesswork you should carry a bomb with you at all
times. See, what actually are the odds of two of these things being
in the same carriage at the same time?
Specific Republican terrorism information (to be sure) for people
who live in the Kilburn or Cricklewood area:
If you see a man staggering down the High Road, singing "The
Mountains Of Mourne" or "I'll Take You Home Again Kathleen" at
the top of his voice, with a pig under one arm, and a crate of
Semtex under the other...run like bejasus!
What is being done to protect the UK?
Fear not! Nice, strong steel doors have been fitted to all
asylum seeker detention centres.
Our very clever TOP SECRET cunning plan (ie: "Operation Osama"):
Not carrying an I.D. card here will soon be deemed a serious
criminal offence, so every terrorist foe will have to apply to
the Home Office for one...and then, you see, our fearless cops
can stealthily creep up and arrest every single one of them!
The British Red Cross has banned nativity scenes, Christmas trees
or decorations with Christian symbols from their charity shops in
case these could offend Muslims and other non-Christians.
The Daily Mail have printed an article entitled
"How To Feng Shui Your Nuclear Bunker"
Finsbury Park Mosque has been closed, and we are thinking about
agreeing to deport Abu Hamza to the United States of America,
where they want to fry his A-rab butt too.
The Sangatte Illegal Immigrant Refugee Camp near Calais, France,
has been closed by French State Authorities after immense pressure
from the British Government, after tens of thousands of terrorist
criminal thieves and murderers swarmed through the Channel Foot Tunnel.
At a time of heightened tension, the Government are planning to
close some Royal Air Force bases and disband many army regiments.
(On the positive side, this could theoretically mean there are
many more personnel now free to assist standard emergency
services' needs in the event of a catastrophic terrorist incident).
In the specific event of a severe (ie: 'Nine-Eleven' style) terrorist
attack on the United Kingdom, rest assured that all key cabinet
members will immediately be safely evacuated to a Command-and-
Control Centre in the hills of Tuscany. (Assuming of course, that
they're not already there).
When we win the war on terror, we'll invite selected Liverpudlian
and Mancunian pop singers, American cinema idols, A-List entertainers,
millionaires, newspaper proprietors, classical dancers, promiscuous
narcissistic Premiership footie stars, hairdressers, "celebrity" chefs,
TV soap stars, The Queen, Caprice, Jordan and, of course, a few
disadvantaged schoolchildren to Downing Street for an exclusive
'Champagne, Caviar, Canapes, Wine and Cheese' jolly good photo
opportunity reception evening.
More information is available on:
We are afraid that we would not presently recommend Guantanamo Bay,
Chechnya, Croatia, Tikrit, Najaf, Zimbabwe, Bali, North Korea, The
Wailing Wall (Israel), Yemen, Spain, Eastern Europe, Athens, India,
the Tora Bora mountain caves, North America, or Tipton as an ideal
If you see anyone with a funny accent and a swarthy look, down your
local D.I.Y. store buying up hundreds of 99-pence box-cutter knives,
or screwdrivers, we would advise that you ask a free sales person to
immediately put an announcement over their tannoy system asking every
customer not to undertake any unnecessary air travel for the foreseeable
If you are a commercial manufacturer of aerospace missiles, weapons,
precision arms systems, or surveillance and eavesdropping paraphernalia,
have you exported any stuff to any characters who seem a little shifty
or suspicious recently?
Terrorists need a place to live:
Flatmates - have you seen traces of sarin, ricin, or of deadly weapon-grade
plutonium or uranium on the kitchen top, or when carrying out the rubbish
sack every morning?
Government credo on terrorism:
It is a Government policy to keep the public in the dark about any
specific threat, if, theoretically, there would be nothing the public
could do about the aforementioned terrorism threat in any case.
Dead is the new alive.
Emergency contact details:
The Waste Paper Recycling Advisory Commission: 0800-905909
The Afghan Embassy: 020-7589 8891
The Iraqi Embassy: 020-758 9790
Aljazeera Television: +97 - 438 2797
The Society of WillWriters & Estate Planning Practitioners: 0890-689787
The National Association of Funeral Directors: 0845-29096
The National Office of Statistics and Guesswork: 0800-996609, I think.
Or maybe it was 0900-56979. Or something near that. We get it spot on
periodically, ie: 23% - 25% of the time.
Things we'd much rather you forget about, frankly.
Recent intelligence failures (terrorism, and general).
That no so-called Weapons of Mass Destruction were actually found.
The policy of holding terrorist suspects at Camp X-Ray for years without
charge, if not actually illegal, is deemed against some of the principles
of the Geneva Convention, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
Alastair Campbell's "sexed-up" dodgy dossier crisis.
The suicide of former United Nations weapons inspector David Kelly.
The Hutton Complete Whitewash.
The fact that the leaflet was cobbled together from various sections
of a student's four-year old thesis found while we were surfing the
"Yo, proles! Emperor Tone, da main man here again. Yes, so even we, er, I
..screwed up occasionally. Alright, I confess...quite often. (Due chiefly,
I feel, to various socio-economic factors, and, er...the previous
Conservative administration, of course!). I *am* sincerely sorry. Deeply,
deeply sorry. Very, very nearly sorry indeed. America's poodle? Never! Look,
after Nine-Eleven, I did at least get rid of Saddam Hussein. And you face it,
you really do *not* want those nasty old Conservatives back in power again,
do you? Scary! Or even to be governed by a party run by some pudding-faced
ginger-headed spineless yellow-bellied bleeding-heart Scottish fat old soak?
Er, no...I thought not. So come on, could you please mark the space below
clearly with an 'X'...
1. LABOUR ..... (Here!)
..and go cut the form (ie: along the dotted line) using care (ie: with your
blunt-nosed plastic scissors in your first aid kit, please. Safety first!
Prevention is better than cure, I believe!) and post it at once (Freepost)
10 Downing Street,
Cheers - Tone".
"Do not forget, we know where you live, dearie. You've been warned".
- Peter 'Prince Of Darkness' Mandelson, United Kingdom European Union Trade
Commissioner, Minister for Mysterious Disappearances, and (with Reinaldo da
Silva) Rio de Janeiro Alternative Nightlife Minister.
If you should want to, for some reason, you can download even
more copies of the leaflet free of charge at:
This practical, most needed, informative document is available in pretty
much every commonly used language we could ever possibly think of. (Except
for Italian, Japanese...or German of course). Even Arabic, ironically.
In fact, David Blunkett (a nice, pioneering chappie from the Home Office)
has even seen fit to issue a braille version.
Should you so choose, you may freely reproduce or copy text in the
document, in most proper circumstances, ie: press or internet, subject
only to it specifically not, repeat NOT ever being turned into a sarcastic
anagram. If it is, could you please call the police on 999 at once.
Any errors or inaccuracies, evasiveness, furtiveness, severe condescension,
sheer irrelevance, Machiavellian conspiracies, secretiveness, slipperiness,
seediness, complete drivel...
© 2004, Downing Street Office of Misinformation, Spin, Spiel and Gloss.