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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous, petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The girl notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?Ó
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new. Let me explain. We have a rule here that if you get an erection; it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a big towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the camp's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, very-hairy man lumbers out of the steam room towards him, "Did you call for me?" says the man.
"No, what do you mean?" replies the newcomer.
You must be new," says the man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge, very-hairy man spins him round, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "How may I help?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the five-hundred-pounds membership payment."
But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You've not had a proper chance to view all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm seventy-two years old. I only get an erection once every month. But I fart thirteen times a day!"
Two old men, Mitch and Humphrey, have been friends all their lives. When it becomes clear that Humphrey is dying, Mitch visits the sick man's house every day.
One afternoon Mitch says, "Humphrey, we have each been keen soccer fans all our lives, and we played in the same team for many years. Please do me one favour; when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there is soccer there."
Humphrey looks up from his death-bed. "Mitch, you've been a dear friend for many, many years; if it is possible, I shall do that for you." Shortly after, Humphrey passes away.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mitch is awakened from a deep sleep by a flash of ethereal light and an eerie voice calling out to him, "Mitch ... Mitch."
"Who is it?" he asks, sitting up suddenly.
"Me ... Humphrey."
"Oh no it isn't! You're an imitation - Humphrey just died."
"I am telling you, I'm no imitation; it is me, Humphrey!" insists the lone voice."
"Humphrey! Oh, man! It IS you! Where are you?"
"I am in heaven!" replies Humphrey. "And I have some really good news to announce ... also some bad news."
"Okay, tell me the good news first," says Mitch.
"The good news," announces Humphrey, "is that there is soccer in heaven. Better yet, all of our friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we are all young men again. Better still, it's always springtime and it doesn't rain or snow. And best of all, we can play soccer all the time because we never get tired."
"Hooray! That's excellent!" exclaims Mitch; "Beyond my wildest dreams! So, what is the bad news?"
"You're playing next Tuesday."