901

MANDY
By
Barry Manilow

I remember all my life
Rainin' down as cold as ice
Shadows of a man
A face through a window
Cryin' in the night
The night goes into

Mornin', just another day
Happy people pass my way
Lookin' in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me, oh Mandy

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
and I need you today. Oh, Mandy!

I'm standing on the edge of time
I've walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbin'
The tears are in my mind
And nothin' is rhyming, oh Mandy

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, oh Mandy

Yesterday's a dream
I face the mornin'
Cryin' on a breeze
The pain is callin', oh Mandy

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, oh Mandy

You came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
You kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you!

OH DANDY!
By
Manny Barilow

I've been singin' all my life,
Schmalzy songs to you, housewives;
Give you what you want,
Me on my piano
Go right to your heart,
My voice is just pure

Honey, sweet and so damned fine,
Keep in tune most of the time;
Lookin' down my nose,
I see adulation
And I realise
How happy I make you, I'm dandy.

And I'm hot and I'm whole and I'm snaky
And you love me a lot, ah, it's scary,
I blow kisses and drive you all crazy,
And you hope that it's me you'll marry!

I'm lookin' at the sands of time,
They're runnin' low but doin' fine,
Due to a new world of nippin' and tuckin'
Now at my command,
Gee, man is my luck in! I'm dandy.

When I sing I make you women happy
With harmonious ease, win a Grammy,
I'm no meathead, I am a neat chappie!
And you write me each day, 'Dear Manny'.

Women love my looks
Yet I am unwedded
And now it's been said
My pencil's unleaded, how dare they!

I'm a guy and I'm okay and funky
Yeah, a good catch for any young lady,
What a dude, I'm stupendously hunky
And I'm able to father a baby!

Yet where are the dames I made happy?
Oh, and why are my hits so few?
Do you think they're outdated and crappy?
Gals, I need you!

902

MANDY
By
Barry Manilow

I remember all my life
Rainin' down as cold as ice
Shadows of a man
A face through a window
Cryin' in the night
The night goes into

Mornin', just another day
Happy people pass my way
Lookin' in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me, oh Mandy

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
and I need you today. Oh, Mandy!

I'm standing on the edge of time
I've walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbin'
The tears are in my mind
And nothin' is rhyming, oh Mandy

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, oh Mandy

Yesterday's a dream
I face the mornin'
Cryin' on a breeze
The pain is callin', oh Mandy

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, oh Mandy

You came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, oh Mandy
You kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you!

We Owe You, Monkey-like Man

Heh, in impish monkey-like fashion,
Half-clad in Hindu pyjamas and glasses,
You opposed with kind passion
The unwieldy ruling class.
Dismantled their immoral lies
With meek transcendence,
Yet many never realized
You won Indian independence.

Hah, you monkey-like man,
How you came and you gave without taking!
And Parliament put you away
You pushed against colonization
How we applaud you today,
Oh, my Gandhi!

With honorable passive resistance,
You protested disobediently,
With hopeful persistence.
Determined to outshine the enemy,
And you dominated memorably.

Hah, you monkey-like man,
You stood firm against slavery
By dynamic non-violent means.
They scoffed at your bravery
And sent in army men.
Oh, my Gandhi!

Mayhem ensued, mainly in Bombay,
Many dumbfounded, awed, dismayed
At how a widowed martyr far away
Waylayed on a homemade prison bed
Would defeat them anyway.

Hah, my monkey-like man,
How you came and you gave without taking,
And Parliament put you away.
You stood firm against discrimination
And we owe you today,
Oh, my Gandhi!

903

ACROSS
1 Staff
5 An Arab governor
9 Leaf
10 Rather suitable
11 Sea
12 Tennis serves
13 Most fantastic
15 "I'm a seaman!"
16 Croc
22 Handsome television star
23 Get going!
24 Town
25 Actor Allan Lane's wise horse
26 Bills
27 Japanese money

DOWN
1 Resorts
2 Percent
3 Alga
4 Poppas
5 Great site
6 Timid men
7 Freezes water
8 To doze
14 Harry
16 Help
17 Tardy
18 Threatening animal
19 Tattered
20 Airtight kiln
21 Crimson, fuchsia and rose

What makes this CROSSWORD PUZZLE different from the rest is that all
the letters in the answers (inclusive of this note) are an anagram of
the definitions. So grab a pencil and enjoy!

ACROSS
1 S P A R
5 A M I R
9 P A G E
10 N I C E
11 A R A L
12 A C E S
13 S T R A N G E S T
15 T A R
16 A L L I G A T O R
22 B A I O
23 M O V E
24 E T O N
25 M R E D
26 T E N S
27 Y E N S

DOWN
1 S P A S
2 P A R T
3 A G A R
4 R E L A T I O N S
5 A N A G R A M M Y
6 M I C E
7 I C E S
8 R E S T
14 N A G
16 A B E T
17 L A T E
18 L I O N
19 T O R E
20 O V E N
21 R E D S

904

["Obama or McCain as President" is the title and also runs down the left side in bold letters. Each line is an anagram of the title. ]

OBAMA OR MCCAIN AS PRESIDENT
Bipartisan, a road commences
America beams its pro and con.
Misconceptions bear a drama
An impasse in a record combat.
Obama can inspire Democrats,
Raise past damn economic bar.
McCain made a prisoner boast,
Can broadcast pain memories.
Companies remain bad actors
And compare as rise in combat
In command bases or at a price.
No promise can be as dramatic
As combat-prisoned American,
Since armada son bore impact.
Parties are basic and common;
Racism became a nation's prod.
Embrace radiant compassion;
Spirit can become a man's road.
In America, no combat spreads;
Dreams combine as in a top arc,
Encompass and orbit America.
No praise, as drab to me, McCain;
Top card Obama is sincere man!

905

A young blonde Portsmouth girl who was down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he passed by.

'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked her.

'Yes, I am,' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed the girl back from the edge, saying, 'Hey, nothing is worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there, huh? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you'll look after me - if you see what I mean. You will have to keep very quiet though, so you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects in sight, decided she'd do it, and the sailor sneaked her onto the vessel that same night. For the next three weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and made love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing his routine inspection of the deck and its lifeboats. He pulled back the cover, found the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl decided she'd just come clean, and said, 'I've stowed away because I thought I could reach Australia and perhaps find happiness. One of the sailors is helping me out. He has set me up in here and brings me food and water each night and he's screwing me.'

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainly is love.

This is the Isle of Wight Ferry .'

A woman went to town on a shopping spree. She started off buying the most exquisite Italian shoes at the first shop and a gorgeous dress in the second. In the third, every item had been knocked down to a fiver. Then her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had been involved in a terrible accident and was in a critical condition. The wife asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd get there straight away.

After hanging up, she realised she was about to forgo what looked like being her most gratifying day ever in the shops, and resolved to go to just one more before leaving for the hospital...

She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning, finishing off with a complimentary mug of tea and a slice of gooey cake after, in the leg-waxing parlour. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she immediately took a taxi to the hospital.

On going in, she saw the female doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The female doctor glared at her and yelled, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were off gallivanting in town, your husband was vegetating in the Intensive Care Unit! The outlook is bleak, and it's as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take! For the rest of his life he'll require round-the-clock care. And youÕll be the carer!"

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"

906

ANIMAL SUPERSTITIONS

If you inadvertently walk into a spider web, you will soon meet a friend; if you spy a spider spinning a web, you will get new clothes -- but seeing a spider web in a kitchen says there is little love in that house.

A wish made on the first robin you see in spring will come true, as long as you finish your wish before the robin flies away.

When a swan takes off high into the air, you can expect a strong wind; stretching its neck back over its body signals a storm is on the way -- but seeing three swans in flight together is an omen of a natural disaster.

Meeting a goat on the start of a journey is a good omen; meeting a black goat means there is treasure nearby; keeping a smelly billy goat at home ensures the future health of your cows, sheep and horses.

Black rabbits are thought to host the souls of dead human beings; a white rabbit is thought to really be a witch; saying the phrase 'White Rabbit' on the first day of each month aids in bringing you luck.

A peacock's voice calling is an omen of rain, "When the peacock loudly bawls, soon we'll have both rain and squalls".

Horse brasses are favoured to protect horses from witches.

Meeting a Dalmatian dog is especially lucky, and a fleet greyhound with a white spot on its forehead is an indication of good fortune coming your way.

If a bat flies in your house window inexplicably, there are ghosts about. It's even worse if a bat flies around the house restlessly three times in succession; this is an omen of death. If bats come out early and fly around playfully, it confirms quite good weather ahead.

Never bet on any horse winning who's name has been changed. It's bad luck to willingly change the name of a horse, then bad luck to wish a jockey good luck before a race.

If a bee enters your home, be patient; it's a sign you will soon have a new visitor. Killing the bee ensures that the visitor will bring in scandal or bad luck. Beware a swarm that settles up on the roof; it's an omen that the house will burn down.

If you begin a game of cards and are asked to deal from a choice of two packs, it's best to choose the one farthest away; a dog lying in the room while a game is played is supposed to cause more disputes.

When pigs are seen hurrying about their sty, carrying lengths of straw in their mouths, ships beware -- a nasty storm is on the way. It is unlucky to have a pig cross your pathway; turn your back until it is gone. If a piggy begins to make a rather strange long whining noise, it is said there is to be a death in the family.

A swallow nesting on the roof is a known symbol of protection, especially against both lightning and fire.

907

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Those Nigerian scammers think they know a bit about how to solve the dreadful crisis in the American economy. Larry Brash should take this one up on his offer and mess with his mind for a while. (Actually, it's an Internet spoof, a very funny one at that.)

But I have some better suggestions for distrusted, baffled dullard Mr. Bush to mend the economic crisis. All set?

First, just stop borrowing money from our future generations to pay for this damned war in Iraq! It's not going to prevent another 9/11.

Second, the Berlin Wall came down in '89, you know, and for good reasons. Let's not build another like it separating us from Mexico. Those scruffy immigrants are a key part of our US economy. Let them work here.

Third, every worker (waiters, teamsters, firemen, secretaries, writers, etc.) suffers and should earn a better minimum pay.

Fourth, federal rules for financial conduct aren't bad but effectual. Ban and audit all radically successful CEOs' frills, they are dastardly rascals, awful ruffians.

Fifth, defeat all deliberate earmarks.

Please don't play chess with our financial security. I can see you treating us like pawns, castling there behind the front lines (do the symbols "0-0" and "0-0-0" mean anything to you?).

I can't wait until Obama wins and begins to clean up this mess you created. Now if only Sarah "Barracuda" Palin would stay way far out of the way.

908

SEPTEMBER SONG
by Maxwell Anderson and Kurt Weill

Well, it's a long, long time
From May to December.
But the days grow short,
When you reach September.
And the autumn weather
Turns the leaves to flame
And I haven't got time
For the waiting game.

And the days dwindle down
To a precious few
September, November
And these few precious days
I spend with you.
These precious days
I spend with you.

YESTERDAY'S SUPER ELECTION SONG
(Yes, we measured untrustworthy ad pieces!)

Wow, it's a huge hubbub
'Tween McCain and Obama
Well, it gets perplexing
With this seedy drama.
I'm steadfastly unstrung,
Unhappy; kept this shame.
I'm underemployed;
Need we eye the blame?

And months are degraded
To a regretted two
October, November
And in a few months,
I'll vote for who?
In a few months,
I'll vote for who?

909

Adapted from A VP Debate Drinking Game
MIT's "The Tech" paper, Autumn Edition

Wow! Look! This Thursday! A national debate for the ages! Two contestants, one vice presidency (thankfully)! Who will earn that top honor of succeeding unpopular Dick Cheney?

In the blue corner, Joe "I take the train home" Biden. In the red corner, Sarah "I can see Russia from my house, huh?" Palin.

Blue Team Rules

* As soon as Biden starts the "I take the train home everyday" story, begin chummy drinking. Don't stop until he finishes.

* For every mention of hometown Scranton, Pennsylvania, take a sip.

* As soon as Biden mentions Palin's inexperience or lack of knowhow, drink something that you've never known before.

* As soon as Biden makes an obvious zany gaffe, promptly spill your neighbor's drink. Whoops!

* As soon as Biden uses a mammoth X word when a Y word will do, drink X-Y seconds.

* As soon as Biden patronizes or identifies with the working class, down that macho brew (bonus points for Miller Highlife).

* As soon as Biden lambastes phony Washington Insiders, make a toast to his thirty-five happy years of experience in the United States Senate.

The Joe Biden checklist: If he talks about ALL of the following, naturally you may finish your drink: Blue Collar, Golden Parachute, Little Guy, Washington Insider, Working Class, Clean.

Red Team Rules

* Every time Palin addresses Alaska's proximity to Russia as "foreign policy experience", take a shot of Russian vodka.

* When Palin claims she said "Thanks but no thanks" to the Bridge to Nowhere, demand a new drink from the host, say "Thanks but no thanks", then when no one sees, take it anyway and discard it, claiming you never wanted it.

* When Palin recounts featuring the governor's jet on eBay, auction off beer to your friends.

* When Palin insists governing a small town in Alaska is indeed experience, give your friend a shot glass of beer when he/she orders a pint and insist it does the same thing.

* When Palin points out that Biden thought Obama was too inexperienced for the job, finish your drink and say, "Oh Snap!" Follow this by defeated crying.

* When Palin claims that Washington's problems can be solved by small-town folksy knowhow and common sense, drink a Labatt Blue as you read up on how to become a Canadian citizen.

* When Palin talks about being the most popular, rock solid governor in the country, beg time out, proceed to a room by yourself, realize you're the most popular person in the room, then finish your drink.

Yes, it's the Sarah Palin checklist: If she mentions ALL of the following, finish your drink: Bush Doctrine, Snow Machine, Moose, Lipstick, Hockey, Family Values.