801

The Gashlycrumb Tinies, by Edward Gorey

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank on a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

Children's Obituary Rhyme by Wasted Egg

A is for Agatha, held her breath too long.
B is for Brutus, whose prescription was wrong.
C is for Chloe, who died of the flu.
D is for Davy, who sank in dog doo!
E is for Ermengarde, fell off a wild horse.
F is for Frieda who was fried, of course.
G is for Gretchen, no food, ate a spider.
H is for Hunter, who drank yucky cider.
I is for Ida, hit by a car.
J is for Jockamo, who passed out in a bar.
K is for Klaus, who wouldn't drink water.
L is for Lulu, didn't chew when she oughta.
M is for Mathilde, struck by a nail.
N is for Ninian, walked on the third rail.
O is for Owen, who vomited blood.
P is for Penelope, who was stuck in the mud.
Q is for Quintin, a mass in his brain.
R is for Rita, became insane.
S is for Sasha, wound up in a stew.
T is for Thelma, sick yet nobody knew.
U is for Ursula, took excess sweets.
V is for Vince, squashed by beets.
W is for Wilma, unwholesomely wed.
X is for Xavier, axed, now he's dead.
Y is for Yasmine, who smoked way more.
Z is for Zelda, went away to war....

802

The Lady of Shalott by Lord Tennyson

PART I

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road runs by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
The yellow-leaved waterlily
The green-sheathed daffodilly
Tremble in the water chilly
Round about Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens shiver.
The sunbeam showers break and quiver
In the stream that runneth ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four gray walls, and four gray towers
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

Underneath the bearded barley,
The reaper, reaping late and early,
Hears her ever chanting cheerly,
Like an angel, singing clearly,
O'er the stream of Camelot.
Piling the sheaves in furrows airy,
Beneath the moon, the reaper weary
Listening whispers, ' 'Tis the fairy,
Lady of Shalott.'

The little isle is all inrail'd
With a rose-fence, and overtrail'd
With roses: by the marge unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken sail'd,
Skimming down to Camelot.
A pearl garland winds her head:
She leaneth on a velvet bed,
Full royally apparelled,
The Lady of Shalott.

PART II

No time hath she to sport and play:
A charmed web she weaves alway.
A curse is on her, if she stay
Her weaving, either night or day,
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be;
Therefore she weaveth steadily,
Therefore no other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

She lives with little joy or fear.
Over the water, running near,
The sheepbell tinkles in her ear.
Before her hangs a mirror clear,
Reflecting tower'd Camelot.
And as the mazy web she whirls,
She sees the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
r long-hair'd page in crimson clad,
Goes by to tower'd Camelot:
And sometimes thro' the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often thro' the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, came from Camelot:
Or when the moon was overhead
Came two young lovers lately wed;
`I am half sick of shadows,' said
The Lady of Shalott.

PART III

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley-sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flam'd upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down from Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his arm our rung,
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down from Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, trailing light,
Moves over green Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down from Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flash'd into the crystal mirror,
'Tirra lirra, tirra lirra,'
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom
She made three paces thro' the room
She saw the water-flower bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
The curse is come upon me,' cried
The Lady of Shalott.

PART IV

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Outside the isle a shallow boat
Beneath a willow lay afloat,
Below the carven stern she wrote,
The Lady of Shalott.

A cloudwhite crown of pearl she dight,
All raimented in snowy white
That loosely flew (her zone in sight
Clasp'd with one blinding diamond bright)
Her wide eyes fix'd on Camelot,
Though the squally east-wind keenly
Blew, with folded arms serenely
By the water stood the queenly
Lady of Shalott.

With a steady stony glance--
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Beholding all his own mischance,
Mute, with a glassy countenance--
She look'd down to Camelot.
It was the closing of the day:
She loos'd the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

As when to sailors while they roam,
By creeks and outfalls far from home,
Rising and dropping with the foam,
From dying swans wild warblings come,
Blown shoreward; so to Camelot
Still as the boathead wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her chanting her deathsong,
The Lady of Shalott.

A longdrawn carol, mournful, holy,
She chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her eyes were darken'd wholly,
And her smooth face sharpen'd slowly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot:
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden wall and gallery,
A pale, pale corpse she floated by,
Deadcold, between the houses high,
Dead into tower'd Camelot.
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
To the planked wharfage came:
Below the stern they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

They cross'd themselves, their stars they blest,
Knight, minstrel, abbot, squire, and guest.
There lay a parchment on her breast,
That puzzled more than all the rest,
The wellfed wits at Camelot.
'The web was woven curiously,
The charm is broken utterly,
Draw near and fear not,--this is I,
The Lady of Shalott.'

The Belle of Sandringham

PART I

Strolling by the water be
The sweet flower of her country,
England's Rose who perfectly
Embraces her fragility,
Eyed by Buckingham.
As she takes that mellow stroll,
Her face lights ours, she plays the role,
Smiles that will so melt our soul,
The Belle of Sandringham.

The leader of the realm's soil
Tells her vows of love so loyal
Hearts pulse fast, the Lady coy'll
Soon become a Lady royal
And dwell at Buckingham.
How long will we have to wait?
We yearn to learn - our breaths do bait
Nuptials on a summer date?
A ballroom waltz for Sandringham!

Dreams of a fairytale come true
Like lovely Cinderella's shoe
We live long days wholly through
The story of the betrothed two
She marries at Buckingham.
We forget the harsh reality
So elated by the royalty
The love match of the century
Dwells in Sandringham.

Marital glory, eternal joy,
For the lady, shy and coy;
No Athenian tale of woe like Troy;
Now they want wee little boys,
Heirs for Buckingham.
Hint of a maternal glow,
Her belly doth start to show,
Royal toddlers she doth bestow,
Three cheers for Sandringham!

PART II

But things do leer that are a-miss,
Past loves worry her tender bliss,
The Prince doth give a seedy kiss,
Love doth roll down the sharp abyss,
Lechers in Buckingham.
She wisely deflects the total control
Of those who have so bled her soul,
Flees to where the ancestral bells toll,
Sage help at Sandringham.

She endures the hollow malice
From those with feelings callous
Blue blooded, yet green and jealous
Those who plot within the palace
Deep in Buckingham.
The tower sends down blow by blow
Droplets well and start to flow
A hole within her heart doth grow
Horror in Sandringham.

Lovers' tattle tales do tell
Rewards for the story swell
The belle - she'll be thrown to hell
Letters lie and papers sell
Love lost at Buckingham.
She realizes what the curse will be
She'll retreat home quietly
Away from all the scrutiny
Veiled in Sandringham.

With concepts of morality
Rewarding time with charity
Her visions ooze of clarity
Solely to forget barbarity
Hatred at Buckingham.
She bestows money internationally
To quell herself emotionally
From pain doled so irrationally
The Belle of Sandringham.

PART III

A son of money from well to do lands
Where sun blazes with such command
And burns with force the yellow sands
And farms a desert of expanse
A world from Buckingham.
A distant knight from distant gates
With distant tones and distant traits.
He marches to the Lady's gates
Wooed in Sandringham.

And to all who may observe
He shone of worldly moral and nerve
All the lovely belle deserved
With none of that royal reserve
Like those at Buckingham.
Did she allow that flame of hope?
With the scandal, could she cope?
A hazardous and slimy slope
For the Belle of Sandringham.

The Lady and her lord withdrew
To scenes where colors all change to
Glistening white and glittering blue
A charmed and a lovely view
Away from Buckingham.
The heart that had chosen flight
From woe and torment, hate and spite
Was given the chance to ignite
In the Belle from Sandringham.

With acts and deeds of courtesy,
Assurances of privacy,
And answers to her fantasy,
There grows a peal of secrecy
In the blood of Buckingham.
And blades were sharpened on the stone
On commands made from the throne.
There is no way we can atone
The Belle of Sandringham.

Dreams of European holidays;
Will she really get away
From the news outlets' display?
Deep in her soul can she betray
Terror of Buckingham?
She knows where her death will reside,
When past and future will collide.
'The curse is come upon me,' cried
The Belle of Sandringham.

PART IV

The dial leaned towards midnight,
The summer evening did invite
The dear Lady and her knight
To claim eternal love despite
Rage of Buckingham.
With laughter and loving dreams,
With hands held tight and eyes a-gleam,
With notions and romantic themes,
Rose the Belle of Sandringham.

In pains to hold her solitude
And somehow preserve her interlude;
To hide from those that were so rude,
The Lady she tried to delude
Men from Buckingham.
And she went with love so true,
With quiet farewells and quiet adieus,
Her noble chariot withdrew,
The Belle of Sandringham.

The lowly raptors and tabloid pros
With cameras and flashes a-glow
Ready to needle her with her beau
And follow and throw her to all those
Who leer from Buckingham.
The Lady was so dazed and scared,
Begging her driver - fast as he dared.
The white horses do gallop, eyes do glare
For the Belle of Sandringham.

The paparazzi, they do proceed
With hearts so looted, minds of greed;
They take no note, the lady's need;
They draw to her with throttling speed
For the memory of Buckingham.
In twists and turns they bear their fleet
Hearts on treachery, hate, deceit
And letters across all of Fleet Street
"The Belle of Sandringham."

And with those black hearts consumed
Toward the dark and the gloom,
They drew the Lady to her doom,
A sheltered road, her allotted tomb;
No regret for Buckingham.
With her love there by her side,
Her chariot, with harsh death collides
In France's heart, her own doth lie
Farewell to Sandringham.

Laying near Althorpe's stately hall
Beneath the lime trees standing tall
Letters of love lay on a wall
A memorial to her loved by all
Less those from Buckingham.
Thirty-six trees mark years she took breath
Childhood tales to love bereft
Sweet hearted girl to terrorised death.
The Belle from Sandringham.

The millions who do weep and cry
Revered death, no reason why;
They direct their hate to those nearby,
To those, they think, had let her die:
The well-fed wits at Buckingham.
"The web was woven curiously,
The charm is broken utterly,
Draw near and fear not, this is I,
The Belle of Sandringham."

803

AMERICA
by
Simon and Garfunkel

"Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together."
"I've got some real estate here in my bag."
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And walked off to look for America

"Kathy," I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
"Michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America."

Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said "Be careful his bowtie is really a camera"

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat"
"We smoked the last one an hour ago"
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why"
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America

AMERICAN BAGGAGE
by
A Peace Soldier, Lost at Basra.

"Let us be soldiers, take flak in the desert together."
"I've got my kitbag, I'm eager to go!"
So we bought a pack of rhetoric, and Mr Bush's lies,
Then took off to fight for America.

"Kenny," I said, as our unit assembled in Basra,
"England seems so far away to me now,
It took me nine hours to get here from Liverpool,
I've come to fight for America."

Mingling in the town,
Playing games with the locals,
You thought a guy on a donkey was Saddam Hussein,
So I joked, "Be careful his horse-whip is really a rifle!"

"Pass me a hand grenade, I think there's one in the tank hatch."
"We chucked the last one an hour ago."
So I looked at my rifle, then I checked my magazine,
As the moon rode over the open sand.

"Kenny, I'm scared too," I said, for I knew he was weeping,
"My rifle is empty, I think we may die,
Look, our attackers are swarming around us ...!"
They've all gone to war on America.
All gone to war on America.
All gone to war on America.

804

SHOWER PROTOCOL - How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothes and place them methodically in laundry basket, separating lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, modestly cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make a mental note to do still more sit-ups/leg-lifts/weight-watching.

Get into the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once, using usual jojoba-and-orange-flower shampoo with twenty-eight added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's thoroughly clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit-and-mint-with-a-hint-of-lime-zest conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed-apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Manuka honey-and-Kikuyu beeswax aromatherapy body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Sponge off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with tile cleaner and wipe down.

Get out of shower.

Dry body with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super-absorbent fluffy towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown with towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

SHOWER PROTOCOL - How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the corner of the bed and leave them lying in random pile.

Swagger naked across the landing to the bathroom.

If you catch sight of wife along the way, shake willy at her doing the 'woo-woo' sound.

Appraise your exceptional, manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch bum.

Get into the shower.

Wash your face and neck.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water-jets flush the contents off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.

Wash your bum, leaving numerous coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a trendy Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partly dry yourself off.

Fail to notice excess water on floor caused by curtain hanging outside bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror and scratch bum again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat lying on floor, and light and fan still on.

Exit, dripping, and swagger back to bedroom with towel wrapped around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and do the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Carelessly throw wet towel onto bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE ALL GIGGLING, CHAPS, BECAUSE IT'S MOSTLY TRUE!!

805

STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
by
Frank Sinatra

Strangers in the night exchanging glances
Wond'ring in the night
What were the chances we'd be sharing love
Before the night was through.

Something in your eyes was so inviting,
Something in your smile was so exciting,
Something in my heart,
Told me I must have you.

Strangers in the night, two lonely people
We were strangers in the night
Up to the moment
When we said our first hello.
Little did we know
Love was just a glance away,
A warm embracing dance away and -

Ever since that night we've been together.
Lovers at first sight, in love forever.
It turned out so right,
For strangers in the night.

Love was just a glance away,
A warm embracing dance away -

Ever since that night we've been together.
Lovers at first sight, in love forever.
It turned out so right,
For strangers in the night.

Dooby dooby doo
doo doo dee la la
da da da da da

STRANGER ON MY FLIGHT
(A Terror Intention In A Toilet?)

Stranger on my flight, weird nervy glances,
Scanning left and right,
What were the chances he'd explode a bomb
Afore the flight was through?

Something in my brain was darned suspicious,
Something in his eyes was darned malicious,
Sweating constantly,
Just like a whore in church.

Stranger on my flight, lone, introverted,
Sitting over on my right,
And that next moment as he
Went off to the loo,
I viewed his velvet shoes,
Were the heels trigger devices?
What's the odds we won't survive this?

Nagging in my head, a voice unnerving
Said, 'We'll soon be dead, everyone burning,
Sure as eggs are eggs,
We're gonna get bloodshed.'

Death was but a jot away
An evil terror plot away.

One thing niggled me ... I knew that guy! Who-
Ever can it be? Then recognition
Hit with a fast woosh!
It was ...
That git George Bush!

Terror? Var na na!
Terror, ta ta ta!

806

[A sonnet by Robert Frost anagrammed into a veteran's lament, which is also an acrostic of the subject poet's full name.]

A Soldier

He is that fallen lance that lies as hurled,
That lies unlifted now, come dew, come rust,
But still lies pointed as it plowed the dust.
If we who sight along it round the world,
See nothing worthy to have been its mark,
It is because like men we look too near,
Forgetting that as fitted to the sphere,
Our missiles always make too short an arc.
They fall, they rip the grass, they intersect
The curve of earth, and striking, break their own;
They make us cringe for metal-point on stone.
But this we know, the obstacle that checked
And tripped the body, shot the spirit on
Further than target ever showed or shone.

The Twilight of the Veteran

Reclining on the porch in idleness
On inky eves that dim the nearby shore
Brings back a few past phantoms I repress,
Encounters with the cruelty of war,
Rekindling tasks, the worst that I had gotten -
That smoke, those shouts, the people I had killed...
Luck favored me, but I had not forgotten;
Eternal battle lurks within me still.
Each night I'm haunted by loathed silhouettes,
For Fate, too keen to carry out its role,
Rewards me with those specters of regret,
Or wretched hate, that eat away this soul.
So do not wait, sweet Death - I welcome you;
This soldier's final trip has long been due.

807

[Anagrammed Ten-Letter Word Square]

1. D E S C E N D A N T
2. E C H E N E I D A E
3. S H O R T C O A T S
4. C E R B E R U L U S
5. E N T E R O M E R E
6. N E C R O L A T E R
7. D I O U M A B A N A
8. A D A L E T A B A T
9. N A T U R E N A M E
10.T E S S E R A T E D

1. A son
2. A sea creature
3. Neat, cute breed
4. An ant
5. Seen chromosome structure
6. Dead endearment
7. A locale
8. A site
9. Earth "brand"
10. Be tiled

808

ACROSS
1 Staff
5 An Arab governor
9 Leaf
10 Rather suitable
11 Sea
12 Tennis serves
13 Most fantastic
15 "I'm a seaman!"
16 Croc
22 Handsome television star
23 Get going!
24 Town
25 Actor Allan Lane's wise horse
26 Bills
27 Japanese money

DOWN
1 Resorts
2 Percent
3 Alga
4 Poppas
5 Great site
6 Timid men
7 Freezes water
8 To doze
14 Harry
16 Help
17 Tardy
18 Threatening animal
19 Tattered
20 Airtight kiln
21 Crimson, fuchsia and rose

What makes this CROSSWORD PUZZLE different from the rest is that all
the letters in the answers (inclusive of this note) are an anagram of
the definitions. So grab a pencil and enjoy!

ACROSS
1 S P A R
5 A M I R
9 P A G E
10 N I C E
11 A R A L
12 A C E S
13 S T R A N G E S T
15 T A R
16 A L L I G A T O R
22 B A I O
23 M O V E
24 E T O N
25 M R E D
26 T E N S
27 Y E N S

DOWN
1 S P A S
2 P A R T
3 A G A R
4 R E L A T I O N S
5 A N A G R A M M Y
6 M I C E
7 I C E S
8 R E S T
14 N A G
16 A B E T
17 L A T E
18 L I O N
19 T O R E
20 O V E N
21 R E D S

809

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. THESE ARE OUR RULES! Please note these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 16 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We think you are just fine otherwise we would have said something.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it properly done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. If possible, please say whatever you have to say during that rotten commercial.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 predetermined colors, like pre-programmed Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. Men have no idea what teal or amber is.

1. If it itches, it shall be irreverently scratched. We do this. It's neat!

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying and offended; BUT it is just not worth the effort and stress. Besides men know you are a very tempersome tormentor and will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... REALLY.

1. You have enough of the best, latest clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such smart topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. Me get in shape? Remember 'round' IS a shape!

1. Thanks for reading these statements. Treatise?!? Yes, I know I have to sleep on the sofa tonight; but men really don't mind. It's like camping.

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