901

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE.
(Words and music by Eric Idle)

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

ALWAYS KEEP ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF A WIFE.
(A Meek and Mild Duo).

Some wives are just no good,
And you'd leave 'em if you could,
But other times they can be quite all right,
So, if you want to wring her neck,
Simply stop, say, "What the heck,"
And think of all you'd lose if she weren't here...

Always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things, not the strife...

If she's just crashed the car,
And you judge she's gone too far,
Just shrug and say it's not her fault, no doubt,
For if you get uptight
You'll not get your bedroom rights,
And surely this is what life's all about?

Ah, always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things, not the strife...

A wife should be much fun,
The one you love, a chum,
Although the pair of you are leagues apart;
You'll forgive her silly flaws, long as she still does the chores,
And can cook a lovely meal to fill your tum!

Oh, always keep on the right side of a wife...
Always look at the good things not the strife...

A wife'll make you sick,
When you think of it,
You'd sooner be out bumming with your mates,
But, if your ear she's nibbling,
And your chin is really dribbling,
And it's thrilling and she's willing ... hell it's great!

Always keep on the right side of a wife...
(Sing along, husbands!)
Always look at the good things not the strife...
(Come on men, enjoy being conjoined!)
Always be on the right side of your wife,
(Join in, you full-blooded males; no shirking!)
Always look at the good things not the strife...
(Blimey, no-one's infallible, allow her an occasional mistake!)
I'll always be on the right side of the wife!

902

"Though April showers
May come your way,
They bring the flowers
That bloom in May;
And if it's raining,
Have no regrets;
Because, it isn't raining rain, you know,
It's raining violets."

(B.G. DeSylva)

By day, the tiny sparrow
On a migratory mission,
Sets in wet yarrow,
A melodious musician,
Announcing her arrival
To the ugly bobwhite;
So frightening a rival,
By evening, she takes flight.

903

Lambs dance past gray snow.
Daffys brush through the late frosts.
Gritters hibernate.

Restless rabbits bounce
towards that fresh fragrant grass --
Hayfield, thought my pen.

=

Young crafty badgers --
Tasting fresh breaths, the woods shrubs.
Rainfall patters them.

904

This is an adaptation of Phronistery's snazzy list of Philosophical Isms that avoids any that are proper names (i.e. Marxism), or are not strictly specific belief systems (i.e. alcoholism)

Absolutism: system of government control by a single Absolute ruler; autocracy.
Absurdism: doctrine that we live in an irrational, puzzling universe.
Academicism: doctrine that supposes nothing can be known.
Accidentalism: theory that proposes events do not have probable causes.
Acosmism: disbelief in existence of an eternal universe distinct from God.
Adamitism: nakedness for religious reasons.
Adevism: denial of the gods of mythology and legends.
Adiaphorism: doctrine of theological indifference or latitudinarianism.
Adoptionism: belief that Christ was adopted and was not the natural son of God.
Aestheticism: doctrine that beauty is central to other moral principles.
Agapism: ethics of love.
Agathism: belief in ultimate triumph of good, even despite evil means.
Agnosticism: doctrine that we can know nothing beyond material phenomena.
Anarchism: doctrine which stresses that government is useless and should just be abolished.
Animism: the attribution of soul to inanimate objects.
Annihilationism: doctrine that the wicked are utterly and totally destroyed after death.
Anthropomorphism: attribution of human qualities to non-human things.
Anthropotheism: belief that gods are only deified men.
Antidisestablishmentarianism: doctrine system opposed to removing the Church of England's official religion status.
Antilapsarianism: denial of doctrine of the fall of humanity.
Antinomianism: doctrine of rejection of moral laws.
Antipedobaptism: denial of validity of infant baptisms.
Apocalypticism: doctrine of the imminent end of the world.
Asceticism: doctrine that a style of self-denial of the body permits spiritual enlightenment.
Aspheterism: denial of the rights to own private property.
Atheism: belief that there is no God.
Atomism: belief that the universe consists of small indivisible particles.
Autosoterism: belief that one can obtain salvation through oneself.
Autotheism: belief that one is God incarnate or that one is Christ.
Bitheism: belief in two gods.
Bonism: doctrine emphasizing that the world is just good, not perfect.
Bullionism: belief in the importance of metal currency in economics.
Capitalism: doctrine that private ownership and free markets should govern economy.
Casualism: the belief that chance events govern all things.
Catabaptism: belief in wrongness of infant baptisms.
Catastrophism: belief in severe rapid geological and biological changes.
Collectivism: doctrine of communal control of means of production.
Collegialism: theory that church is separate from state.
Conceptualism: theory that universal truths exist as mental concepts.
Conservatism: belief in maintaining political and social traditions.
Constructivism: belief that knowledge and reality do not have an objective value.
Cosmism: belief the cosmos is a self-existing whole.
Cosmotheism: the belief that identifies God with the cosmos.
Deism: belief in God, but rejection of religions.
Determinism: doctrine that events are predetermined by preceding important events or laws.
Diphysitism: belief in the dual nature of Christ.
Ditheism: belief in two equal gods, one good and one evil.
Ditheletism: doctrine that Christ had two wills.
Dualism: doctrine the universe is controlled by two pertinent forces, good and evil.
Egalitarianism: belief that all people ought to be equal in rights and privileges.
Egoism: doctrine that pursuit of self-interest is the highest good.
Egotheism: identification of oneself with God.
Eidolism: belief in ghosts.
Emotivism: theory that moral statements are inherently biased.
Empiricism: doctrine that the experience of the senses is the only source of knowledge.
Entryism: doctrine of joining a group to change its policies.
Epiphenomenalism: doctrine that mental processes are epiphenomena of brain activity.
Eternalism: the belief that matter has existed eternally.
Eudaemonism: ethical belief that happiness equals morality.
Euhemerism: explanation of mythology as growing out of past history.
Existentialism: doctrine of individual human responsibility in an unfathomable universe.
Experientialism: doctrine that knowledge comes from experience.
Fallibilism: the doctrine that empirical knowledge is uncertain.
Fatalism: doctrine that events are fixed and humans are totally powerless.
Fideism: doctrine that knowledge depends on faith over reason.
Finalism: belief that an end has or can eventually be reached.
Fortuitism: belief in evolution by chance variations.
Functionalism: system of utility and function.
Geocentrism: belief that Earth is center of the universe.
Gnosticism: belief that freedom derives solely from knowledge.
Gradualism: belief that things proceed by degrees.
Gymnobiblism: belief that the Bible's essence can be presented to unlearned people without commentary.
Hedonism: belief that pleasure is the highest good.
Henism: doctrine that there is only one kind of existence.
Henotheism: belief in one tribal god, but not as the only god.
Historicism: belief that all phenomena are historically determined.
Holism: doctrine that parts of any thing must be understood in relation to the whole.
Holobaptism: belief in baptism with total immersion in water.
Humanism: belief that human interests and mind are paramount.
Humanitarianism: doctrine the highest moral obligation is to improve universal human welfare.
Hylicism: materialism.
Hylomorphism: belief that matter is cause of the universe.
Hylopathism: belief in ability of matter to affect the spiritual world.
Hylotheism: belief that the universe is purely material.
Hylozoism: doctrine that all matter is endowed with life.
Idealism: belief that our experiences of the world consist of ideas.
Identism: doctrine that objective and subjective, or matter and mind, are identical.
Ignorantism: doctrine emphasizing ignorance as a favorable thing.
Illuminism: belief in a personal inward spiritual light.
Illusionism: belief that the external world is philosophy.
Imagism: doctrine of use of precise images with unrestricted subjects.
Immanentism: belief in an immanent or permanent god.
Immaterialism: the doctrine that there is no material substance.
Immoralism: rejection of morality.
Indifferentism: trust that all religions are equally valid.
Individualism: belief that the individual's interests and rights are paramount.
Instrumentalism: doctrine that ideas are instruments of actions.
Intellectualism: belief that all knowledge is derived from reason.
Interactionism: belief that mind and body act on each other.
Introspectionism: doctrine that knowledge of mind must derive from introspection.
Intuitionism: belief that the perception of truth is by intuition.
Irreligionism: system of belief that is hostile to religions.
Kathenotheism: polytheism in which each god is considered single and supreme.
Kenotism: doctrine that Christ rid himself of divinity in becoming human.
Laicism: doctrine of opposition to clergy and priests.
Latitudinarianism: doctrine of broad liberality in religious beliefs and conduct.
Laxism: belief that an unlikely opinion may be safely followed.
Legalism: belief that salvation depends on strict adherence to the law.
Liberalism: doctrine of social change and tolerance.
Libertarianism: doctrine that personal liberty is the highest value.
Malism: the belief that the world is evil.
Materialism: belief that matter is the only extant substance.
Mechanism: belief that life is explainable by mechanical forces.
Meliorism: the belief the world tends to become better.
Mentalism: belief that the world can be explained as aspects of the mind.
Messianism: belief in just a single messiah or saviour.
Millenarianism: belief that an ideal society will be produced in the near future.
Modalism: belief in unity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Monadism: theory that ultimate units of being exist.
Monergism: theory the Holy Spirit alone can act.

Monism: belief that all things are connected, which would be thrown into a single category.
Monophysitism: belief that Christ embodied divinity of God in a human form.
Monopsychism: belief that all individuals share a mingled eternal soul.
Monotheism: belief in one God.
Monotheletism: belief that Christ had one will.
Mortalism: belief that the soul is mortal and dies.
Mutualism: theory highlighting mutual dependence in society and the individual.
Nativism: belief in embedded inborn thoughts of the mind.
Naturalism: belief that the world can be explained in terms of natural force.
Necessarianism: belief that actions are determined by history; offshoot of fatalism.
Neonomianism: theory that gospel abrogates earlier memorable moral codes.
Neovitalism: theory that total material explanation is impossible.
Nihilism: shameless condemning of all reality; extreme scepticism.
Nominalism: doctrine contending that naming a thing effectively defines reality.
Nomism: belief that moral conduct consists of observance of law.
Noumenalism: belief in existence of noumena (objects, events known only to imagination, independent of senses).
Nullibilism: denial that the soul exists in space.
Numenism: belief in local gods, deities, or spirits.
Objectivism: doctrine that all reality is objective.
Omnism: belief in all religions.
Optimism: attitude of optimal confidence, affirming that we live in the best of all possible worlds.
Organicism: doctrine defining life or society as one giant organism.
Paedobaptism: doctrine of infant baptism.
Panaesthetism: theory that consciousness is generally inherent in matter.
Pancosmism: theory that the material universe is all that exists.
Panegoism: solipsism.
Panentheism: belief that the world is part of, but not all of, God's being.
Panpsychism: theory that all nature has a psychic side.
Pansexualism: theory that all thought, action is derived from sexual instinct.
Panspermatism: belief in origin of life from united extraterrestrial germs.
Pantheism: belief that the universe is God; belief in many gods.
Panzoism: belief in humans and animals sharing one common vital life energy.
Parallelism: belief that matter and mind do not interact but do relate.
Pejorism: downbeat dogma brimming with horrific doom and gloom.
Perfectibilism: doctrine that as humans we are able to attain infallible perfection.
Perfectionism: belief that moral perfection constitutes the highest value.
Personalism: doctrine of spiritual freedom of humans.
Pessimism: ideation deeming the whole universe essentially one hideous evil.
Phenomenalism: belief that phenomena are the only realities.
Physicalism: belief that all phenomena reduces to verifiable assertion.
Physitheism: doctrine relegating physical form and attributes to deities.
Pluralism: doctrine noting that reality consists of several kinds or entities.
Polytheism: belief in more than one God.
Positivism: ideology noting that which is not observable is not knowable.
Pragmatism: doctrine weighing the practical value of philosophy.
Predestinarianism: belief that whatever is to occur has already been foreordained.
Prescriptivism: belief that do-good moral edicts are merely orders with no basic truth value.
Primitivism: doctrine highlighting a simple natural life as the morally best condition.
Privatism: attitude of avoided involvement in outside interests.
Probabiliorism: belief that when in doubt one must choose the most likely answer (Would that be multiple choice or T/F?).
Probabilism: belief that knowledge is always probable but never absolute.
Psilanthropism: denouncement of the divinity of Christ.
Psychism: belief in a universal soul.
Psychomorphism: doctrine imagining that inanimate objects (wood, fire, wind, diamond) have human mentality.
Psychopannychism: belief contending souls go to sleep from death to resurrection.
Psychotheism: doctrine that God is a spiritual entity.
Pyrrhonism: total or radical indignant skepticism.
Quietism: doctrine of enlightenment through mental tranquility; meditation.
Racism: belief that race is the main determinant of human capabilities.
Rationalism: belief that reason is the fundamental source of knowledge.
Realism: doctrine that objects of cognition are real.
Reductionism: belief that complex phenomena are reducible to simpler ones.
Regalism: doctrine of supremacy of a monarch in church affairs.
Representationalism: doctrine that ideas rather than external objects are basis of knowledge.
Republicanism: belief defining a republic as the best form of government.
Resistentialism: odd theory that inanimate objects display malice toward humans.
Romanticism: belief in documenting sentimental feeling in artistic expression.
Sacerdotalism: belief that priests are necessary mediators between God and mankind.
Sacramentarianism: belief that sacraments have unusual properties.
Scientism: belief that the methods of science are universal truths.
Self-determinism: doctrine that the deeds of a self are determined by itself.
Sensationalism: belief that ideas originate solely in sensation.
Siderism: belief that the stars influence human affairs.
Skepticism: doctrine noting that true knowledge is always uncertain.
Socialism: doctrine of centralized state control of wealth and property.
Solarism: excessive use of solar myth in explaining mythology.
Solifidianism: doctrine that faith alone will ensure salvation.
Solipsism: theory that self-existence is the only identified certainty.
Somatism: doctrine defending materialism.
Spatialism: belief that matter has only spatial, temporal, causal properties.
Spiritualism: belief contending that nothing is real except the soul.
Stercoranism: belief noting that the consecrated Eucharist is digested and evacuated.
Stoicism: doctrine dedicated to indifference to pleasure or pain.
Subjectivism: doctrine contending that all knowledge is subjective.
Substantialism: belief that there is a real existence underlying phenomena.
Syndicalism: doctrine of direct worker control of capital.
Synergism: belief that human will and divine will cooperate in enlightenment.
Terminism: doctrine that there is a time limit for repentance.
Thanatism: belief that the soul dies with the body.
Theism: belief in the existence of God without revelation.
Theocentrism: belief that God is the central fact of existence.
Theopantism: belief that God is the only reality.
Theopsychism: belief that the soul is of a divine nature.
Thnetopsychism: belief the soul dies with the body, to be reborn on the day of judgement.
Titanism: spirit of revolt or defiance against social conventions.
Tolerationism: doctrine of toleration of different religious beliefs.
Totemism: belief that a group has a special kinship which coincides with an object or animal.
Transcendentalism: theory that emphasizes that which transcends the senses.
Transmigrationism: belief that the soul continues on in other body at the time of death.
Trialism: doctrine that humans have three separate essences (body, soul, spirit).
Tritheism: belief that the members of the Trinity are distinct gods.
Triumphalism: belief in the superiority of one particular religious creed.
Tuism: theory that individuals have a second or other self.
Tutiorism: doctrine that one benefits from taking the safer moral course.
Tychism: theory that accepts the role of pure chance, accident.
Ubiquitarianism: contention that Christ is everywhere.
Undulationism: theory of how light above consists of waves.
Universalism: belief in one universal salvation.
Utilitarianism: belief that action's utility determines good moral value.
Vitalism: doctrine that highlights a vital force behind life.
Voluntarism: belief that the will dominates the intellect.
Zoism: doctrine that life originates from a single unique vital principle.
Zoomorphism: concept of a god or man in animal form (shamanism, voodoo).
Zootheism: embodiment of divine godlike qualities within an animal.

Whew! It's all Twilight Zone (do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do,
do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do) gobbledegook to me!

905

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a wealthy Chinese businessman and an Australian man were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must've been waiting twenty minutes at least.'

The Indian doctor added, 'Hmm... I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetent play!'

The Chinese businessman shouted out 'Move on, you men! Time's money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Oh; here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'George?' asked the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're somewhat slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper responded, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their eyesight saving our clubhouse from an inferno last year, so we let them play for nothing whenever they want to.'

The group fell silent for some moments.

Then the Catholic priest commented, 'That's just so very sad. I think I may have to say an extra-special prayer for those people tonight.'

The Indian doctor nodded and said, 'Yes, that's a very good idea. I intend to contact my ophthalmology colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them.'

The Chinese businessman added, 'I think I'll donate twenty-thousand dollars to the fire-fighters union, just to honour these unusually brave souls.'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive there, St. Peter says, 'We have just one official rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are millions of fluffy ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Sorry, but your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this horribly ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another, uglier, oaf of a man. He chains them together with the same admonition as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all of this and, not wishing to be chained for eternity to an ugly man, is religiously careful where she steps.

She manages to go for months without stepping on a duck. One day St. Peter comes to her with the finest man she has ever laid eyes on ... tall, muscular, handsome, green eyes, shiny fair hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

'Alleluia!' giggles the joyful woman. 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

906

I DREAMED A DREAM
[from Les Miserables]

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

ME AND FAME
[Dramatic Entertainment Redeems A Disregarded Mademoiselle]

"Tonight, this foolhardiest interviewee
Is an affirmed Elaine Paige wannabe."
Murmured a discreet Piers Morgan,
"From Blackburn, West Lothian,
That forty-seven-year-old small-time cow?"
Susan Boyle did surprise them -- and how!

Warmed every heart there, too!
"Everyone laughed at you,"
Smarmed the refined Amanda Holden.
With her hair glowing golden,
Admitted, "But no-one is laughing now."
Susan Boyle did astonish them -- and how!

How the guarded media is different;
Heralded that female at 'Britain's Got Talent.'
The esteemed Simon Cowell, "What nerve;
A forthright ripe woman with verve!"
Thus admired, awarded her effort, uttered, "Wow!"
Susan Boyle did astound them -- and how!

907

Ebony and ivory
Live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my piano keyboard,
Oh Lord, why don't we?

Hi, dodo boy, phony biddy!
Oh, my lady granny!
Now we have black President -
Is time for everyone to reorient!

908

909

Where the Sidewalk Ends
Shel Silverstein

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

I suggest we need the state of a child's mind where things are better,
Wholesome innocence, high hopes and dreams of children,
Whether to keep the mind sharp or reestablish older selves.

Why shut down and withdraw in worthless sadness, chap?
Come out of the woodwork, white-whiskered friend!
Stash that awkward wheeled walker, grab the trekker's walking stick.

'Kick the can', swerve down the merry lane, stroll anywhere with a pal,
Walk in the park with a sweetheart, hold hands.
Wet weather? Splash and splatter in all the puddles!

Stop and stand, watch the whitetail deer, the new-hatched warblers.
See all the breathtaking flowers, branches, milkweed, meadow bluebell.
Whether strengthless or sightless, inhale sweet life!

910

[This sonnet by Shakespeare was anagrammed into a sonnet for Spring with an unusual constraint.]

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 86
From you have I been absent in the spring,
When proud-pied April dress'd in all his trim
Hath put a spirit of youth in every thing,
That heavy Saturn laugh'd and leap'd with him.
Yet nor the lays of birds nor the sweet smell
Of different flowers in odour and in hue
Could make me any summer's story tell,
Or from their proud lap pluck them where they grew;
Nor did I wonder at the lily's white,
Nor praise the deep vermilion in the rose;
They were but sweet, but figures of delight,
Drawn after you, you pattern of all those.
Yet seem'd it winter still, and, you away,
As with your shadow I with these did play.

Neat Feel Without Heat...
When dawn came to my window with a chill,
The sun's unsteady ray appeared impeded.
The avid rain had my one prayer fulfilled -
The hearty rinse was what our meek house needed.
The flowers their inviting flair did tout -
That lavish spray relieved our yard's faint woe.
Some purple asters, numb with drink, shot out;
A thorny rose did humbly bloom and grow.
When thrushes rose up, but, in stormy rush,

Swooped, fairly ruffled, too wet to resettle -
I trod the shore to see, in finest hush,
Grey ripples multiply like flower-petals.
There, on the windy bay, in early rain,
I glimpsed the timely hint of Spring again.

[All of the anagram's b's, y's and r's, representing blue, yellow and red accordingly, were arranged to create flowery patterns:]


Feel Neat Without Heat...

When dawn came to my window with a chill,
The sun's unsteady ray appeared impeded.
The avid rain had my one prayer fulfilled -
The hearty rinse was what our meek house needed.
The flowers their inviting flair did tout -
That lavish spray relieved our yard's faint woe.
Some purple asters, numb with drink, shot out;
A thorny rose did humbly bloom and grow.
When thrushes rose up, but, in stormy rush,
Swooped, fairly ruffled, too wet to resettle -
I trod the shore to see, in finest hush,
Grey ripples multiply like flower-petals.
There, on the windy bay, in early rain,
I glimpsed the timely hint of Spring again.