901

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I'd just come from a really rousing choir performance, followed by the most memorable prayer meeting. So, I bought a sticker and put it on my bumper.

Mamma mia! Am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience followed next!

I was stopped at a red light at this busy intersection, momentarily lost in thought about the Lord and how great He is, and didn't see that the lights had changed.

It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if that man hadn't honked, I wouldn't have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the man behind started honking like crazy, and then leant out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God, woman, go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida amongst them all because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my grandson (your cousin Norman) in the back seat what that meant. Norman said it was probably some Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the sign right back!

Norman burst out laughing. Yes, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the glory of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I went to, but that's when I saw the lights had changed. So I waved at all my brothers and sisters and, grinning, drove on across the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car to get through the intersection before the lights changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we'd shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove off.

Praise our Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,

Love from,
Grandmomma.

IDIOTS? NO; MEN ARE JUST JOLLIER!

IDIOTIC NICKNAMES
If Viv, Kathy and Vicki go out for lunch, they will call each other Viv, Kathy and Vicki.

If Dick, David and John go out, they will jokily refer to each other as, Earwigo, Coyotebreath and Testicle.

EATING OUT/DIVIDING
When the bill arrives, Dick, David and John will readily throw in twenty dollars each, even though it is only for thirty-three dollars eighty. None of them will have anything smaller and will avoid admitting they want change back.

When the girls receive their bill, out come the pocket calculators and it is divided exactly.

MONEY
A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item that he needs.

A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she does not need but it's on sale.

BATHROOM IDEOLOGY
A man has six things in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving gel, a good razor, soap, and a towel.

The number of things in the average woman's bathroom is about three hundred and thirty-eight. A guy would not be able to identify more than twenty of these.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is adjudged to be the start of a new argument.

THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

GETTING MARRIED
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will get dressed up to go shopping, give the plants a watering, empty the trash, cook, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A guy will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.

LOOKING GOOD OVERNIGHT
Men wake up looking just as good as when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

CHILDREN
Ah, the joy of children! A woman is dedicated to, and knows all about, her children. She knows about their dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes, ideas and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

FAULTFINDING - THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing!

902

THE TIGER
By
William Blake.

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

BATTERED TIGER.
(That Hanky-Panky, Lawn-Stud Yank).

Tiger, Tiger, in a whirl,
Had a fair way with the girls,
Now that game has run its course,
He's in the rough - maybe divorce?

What a swinging time he'd had!
What a ball! Hah! What a cad!
Swedish wife, blonde, bright and trim,
Why wasn't that enough for him?

Wife is harsh, the man's in tatters,
Lost the trophy that most matters,
And every birdie that he met's
An albatross around his neck.

From far and wide they all appear,
Strewth! How many are there here?
One, two, three, four... huh?... nine ten!
When did he find time for them?

Ruffled Tiger, shrewd yet green,
The aftermath he hadn't seen,
Nor remembered he was wedded
When each pretty bird he bedded.

Zesty Tiger, in a whirl,
Had a fair way with the girls,
All that effort to be Master,
Frittered, shattered, what disaster.

903

"In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.
No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them."
- Aldo Leopold

Some crazy song says I am an underclass,
Man's garden has no charm, just dread
Oh, feeble me, I've failed; no hope alas,
Lonely little petunia in an onion bed.
- Anon

904

On the 12th day of Christmas
my true love sent to me --
12 Drummers Drumming
11 Pipers Piping
10 Lords a-Leaping
9 Ladies Dancing
8 Maids a-Milking
7 Swans a-Swimming
6 Geese a-Laying
5 Golden Rings
4 Calling Birds
3 French Hens
2 Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Humph! One Advent I gave my Granny:

12	Carolers Caroling
11	Heralds Heralding
10	Riddlers a-Riddling
9	Imps Impacting
8	Serenaders Singing
7	Twitterers Tweeting
6	Mimers Miming
5	Adobe Homes
4	Sleeping Spaniels
3	Damp Ducks
2	Artful Apostles
and a	Young fit man!

905

Accord has dipped, deteriorated?
Old hostile wars are escalated?
Then this immortal line
By a pal of mine --
A HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW...

"I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
OF PEACE ON EARTH, GOOD-WILL TO MEN!"

906

HOW TO SURVIVE THE CHRISTMAS HANGOVER

6 out of 10 luckless workers who report to the office after Christmas spend an average of 1 to 2 hours just "staring into space."

Skull throbs? Fucked off? Here's how to troubleshoot the torturous hurt:

1. DRINK WATER: As you're a sick dehydrated puppy, tubfuls before bed and when you wake up help. Fruit juice, too, replaces the vitamins lost; the sucrose content in the juice will help revivify energy levels.

2. DEVOUR THE FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST: Just the sheer number of calories gives one the much-needed kick. Eggs and fatty meat are quite stuffed with the amino acid cysteine, which could be good at clearing out toxins.

3. TAKE ONE RAW EGG: An effective cure because of the protein and antioxidant content [BUT just doubles the nausea for quite a few]. Check this cocktail out: "The Virgin Fogcutter"

1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 drop Tabasco
1 raw egg
1 teaspoon lemon juice
Salt and pepper to taste

Mix together, pour concoction and drink.

4. GOT "HAIR OF THE DOG"?: Sufferers vouch that a Bloody Mary or a pint of effervescent beer the morning after works. [TRUE? Tut, tut, tut! TRUTH: While absorbing another alcoholic drink could quite fix a hangover, this is just a temporary effect and is only postponing the misery.]

A RECIPE FOR JOSE CUERVO CHRISTMAS COOKIES

1 cup of water
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeeeves a sheeeet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or sumthin'.

Whatever you can find.

Greeeash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher...

CHERRY MISTMAS!

907

[Vincent Burns' sonnet is anagrammed into another holiday sonnet with a fitting acrostic:]

Sonnet for Christmas

These are the things our Christmas Day should leave
Untarnished and untouched by dust and blight:
The warm, sweet kindliness of Christmas Eve,
Its heavenly glow of rapture and delight;
The breathless wonder that the stars awake;
The new-found faith that where a child is born
There is a little life for God's own sake,
Though lowly be its lot on Christmas morn;
The wide good-will we feel for all mankind
And that true peace that heals the aching mind.
And though the hurrying years be loud with strife,
A radiance lives that all men yet shall see,
A golden glory, rich with fullest life,
When each shall know his own divinity.

A Cheerful Holiday-Themed Poem

My main intent is not to bring you down,
Earth's gradual destruction notwithstanding;
Right now, we must disguise each baleful frown...
Right now, this Yuletide schedule is demanding:
Your hearts swell when this dashing caroler
Chants "Carol of the Bells" and "Deck the Halls";
How ravishing and valued is the glare
Red ornaments reflect onto this wall!
I know the weather's harsh, but days like these
Shall thankfully provide this sane relief;
The glow in windows and the hearty trees
Might be the cue to halt the dark belief.
As snow falls from the heavens to each yard,
Still we have faith that life is not that hard.

908

USA For Africa
We Are The World

(Lionel Richie) There comes a time when we heed a certain call
(Stevie Wonder) When the world must come together as one
There are people dying (Paul Simon) And it's time to lend a hand
To life, the greatest gift of all

(Kenny Rogers) We can't go on pretending day by day
(James Ingram) That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
(Tina Turner) We're all a part of God's great big family
(Billy Joel) And the truth, you know love is all we need

(Michael Jackson) We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving
(Diana Ross) There's a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives
It's true, we'll make a better day, just you and me

(Dionne Warwick) Well, send them your heart so they know that someone cares
(Willie Nelson) And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
(Al Jarreau) And so we all must lend a helping hand

(Bruce Springsteen) We are the world, we are the children
(Kenny Loggins) We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let's start giving
(Steve Perry) There's a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives
(Daryl Hall) It's true, we'll make a better day, just you and me

(Michael Jackson) When you're down and out, there seems no hope at all
(Huey Lewis) But if you just believe, there's no way we can fall
(Cyndi Lauper) Well, let's realize that a change can only come
(Kim Carnes) When we stand together as one

(Everyone) We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving
There's a choice we're making, we're saving our own lives
It's true, we'll make a better day, just you and me.

Walter Newboldt and the Degenerate Online Contaminators
We Are The Trolls

(Walter Newboldt) it's shocking, indeed, but we have ot say goodbye,
'cause larry and us merely can't see eye ot eye.
(ELBIGRA) We are all geniuses here; it's a keen and valued clan...
We just like saying "Hemeralopian"!

("credit counseling") since i was YOUNG, i had an awesome DREAM:
to ruin this EARTH with a careless CREDIT scheme...
(Chris Roycroft-Davis) Well, we all wanted to get rich, to one day make it big -
Or at least get a better-looking wig!

(Walter Newboldt) we are teh trolls, we are teh spammers,
we are those jerks taht millions wanna kill wiht wooden hammers;
from now on, you wont have ot see us curse and whine...
(Jack Ford) We're going, but we hope you had a damn good TINE!

(Herc) I like reading anagrams. They rekindle awe and dread...
Then again, I hear several voices in my head.
("onlinezfrpornen") I'VE GOT NICE NUDE PICS HERE! EVERYONE COME SEE...
EVEN THOUGH THESE THINGS ARE ON THE WEB FOR FREE!!!

(Walter Newboldt) we are teh trolls, we are teh spammers,
we are all reeking, ugly geeks that have these awkward stammers;
you are all killjoys here, so we'll just wave and scram...
(Chris Roycroft-Davis) Yeah, and I'm suing you, jerks! I *invented* anagrams!

(Herc) When you are slightly glum and you don't know where to go,
You can change the channel to the Truman show!
(ELBIGRA) Nyctalopian! The Reptile! These weird words won't relent...
What the hell, I'll just blame the government!

(Everyone) We are the trolls, we are the spammers,
We are all sweating, unapologetic Jeffrey Dahmers;
If you miss our entries and eerie rants, just know
We'll always be where we belong... talk-radio!