The Special Category

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An optional explanation about the anagram in green, the subject is in black, the anagram is in red.

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901

A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM
by Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

A TUNE - A FATE.

How they laughed as I came on,
And now as I cue the song;
I think my hope has gone;
A woman, undiscovered,
Aye, ne'er embraced a lover.
Yet the sweet dream that remains,
Is a final shot at fame...
I hear 'haw-haws' of derision,
As I start my audition,
Will I win the hearts and minds?
Will they be cruel? Will they be kind...?

I stand amid the roar
Of the people shouting, "More!"
Grasp a moment in my hand
That surely was not planned?
So wrong yet, oh so right,
What an overwhelming night!
How I'm weeping at the sight
Of the people on their feet,
Oh God, how bitter sweet!
Now I've grown into a star,
Approved from way afar,
I rose up from who I'd been,
Yes, I dared - I dreamed a dream!


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902

[This crossword is a three-way anagram: the collection of Across clues is an anagram of the set of Down clues (not including the "Across" and "Down" headwords), and each of those is also an anagram of the set of letters in the correctly-filled-out grid. All answers are a single word except for those that are indicated to be multi-word by a notation like (3,5), which indicates a two-word answer where the first word has 3 letters and the second 5 letters. There is one exception to the previous statement: 27 Across has a multi-word answer, but the division into words is not supplied for you in the clue.

First I will give the crossword in usual format, then below that I will paste in the three-fold anagram. In the anagram display the answer grid has been scrambled into an alphabetical list of letters, so as not to give away the puzzle's solution (which I hope you'll have a go at finding yourself).

You can find a slightly nicer-looking version of the puzzle here.]

ACROSS
1. Feline plant? (5,6)
7. Splendid white Alp. (4,5)
12. Gossiped. (6-7)
13. Get money in purse.
14. Tent material .
15. A little lagoon.
16. Dirt color.
17. Single-surfaced. (3-5)
19. Languid.
21. Lucent; glowing.
23. Shiny medal, e.g.
25. Stimulated; warmed.
27. Rates "Best Website Ever".
29. T. Eliot's pot?
31. Importance.
32. Rare thinker; elite expert.
35. His usual chum. (5,4,3)
37. Night prayers.
40. Not now!
41. Earn a lot (and more!).
42. Oust; avoid.
44. The whole ______.
45. Change-ologists.
46. House document. (5,4)
47. Back a candidate (and win).

DOWN
1. Tiny dessert cake. (5,4)
2. Unchain. (3,4)
3. City of the Ukraine.
4. Genuine sage.
5. Huge list.
6. Popular PM. (7,5,9)
7. Valued brain element.
8. Nephew's sole reward.
9. Cast ballots as a group. (5,4)
10. Radiation bit. (5,8)
11. Lengthy error list.
18. Insect stage.
20. Petroleum, e.g.
22. The PM's London locale. (7,6)
24. Distant; exotic.
26. Vaginal doctor.
27. T. Eliot's pot dwells here. (5,6)
28. "Well, we _____ to..."
30. Annihilate.
33. Druggist.
34. Manic, muddled sermon.
36. Stupid road. (4,3)
38. New edition.
39. Wife, e.g.
43. Manhattan home.

/////// Here is the anagram by itself ///////

1. Feline plant? (5,6)
7. Splendid white Alp. (4,5)
12. Gossiped. (6-7)
13. Get money in purse.
14. Tent material .
15. A little lagoon.
16. Dirt color.
17. Single-surfaced. (3-5)
19. Languid.
21. Lucent; glowing.
23. Shiny medal, e.g.
25. Stimulated; warmed.
27. Rates "Best Website Ever".
29. T. Eliot's pot?
31. Importance.
32. Rare thinker; elite expert.
35. His usual chum. (5,4,3)
37. Night prayers.
40. Not now!
41. Earn a lot (and more!).
42. Oust; avoid.
44. The whole ______.
45. Change-ologists.
46. House document. (5,4)
47. Back a candidate (and win).

=

1. Tiny dessert cake. (5,4)
2. Unchain. (3,4)
3. City of the Ukraine.
4. Genuine sage.
5. Huge list.
6. Popular PM. (7,5,9)
7. Valued brain element.
8. Nephew's sole reward.
9. Cast ballots as a group. (5,4)
10. Radiation bit. (5,8)
11. Lengthy error list.
18. Insect stage.
20. Petroleum, e.g.
22. The PM's London locale. (7,6)
24. Distant; exotic.
26. Vaginal doctor.
27. T. Eliot's pot dwells here. (5,6)
28. "Well, we _____ to..."
30. Annihilate.
33. Druggist.
34. Manic, muddled sermon.
36. Stupid road. (4,3)
38. New edition.
39. Wife, e.g.
43. Manhattan home.

=

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903

Subject: HELL.

The following is allegedly an actual question (coming from a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term paper) and an actual answer submitted by a student.

The answer offered by this particular student was considered so 'profound' and memorable that the professor shared it with many of his colleagues, by way of the Internet, which is, of course, why we may now have the added pleasure of enjoying it as well:

BONUS QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students just wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variations of this.

One student, however, answered in the following manner:

'First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think we may safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people don't belong to more than one religion, we may safely project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates being as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Theresa kept shouting, 'Oh my God.'

It's vital for a man to be aware that, as a woman gets older, it's hard for her to sustain the same quality of housework. When you notice this, try not to yell at her. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Tex. Let me explain how I handled the situation with my wife, Ellen. When I retired last year, it became necessary for Ellen to get a full-time job, along with her part-time one, to alleviate the extra expense. Soon after she started working, I noticed she was appearing to show her age.

I usually get in from the golf club the same time she gets in from work. Although she realises I'm hungry, she says she has to rest for half an hour before she starts dinner. I never holler at Ellen. I just tell her I'll grab some zzz's and to wake me as soon as dinner's on the table.

Ellen used to do the dishes as soon as we'd eaten, but now they can sit on the table for hours after dinner. I help when I can by politely telling her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she values that a lot, as it does activate her to do them before she goes to bed.

Another sign of ageing is the complaining. As an example: she'll say it's hard for her to find time to pay all the monthly bills in her lunch hour. But I wed Ellen for better or worse, so I cooperate. I tell her to stretch it out over a couple of days, then she won't have to rush so much. I also tell her that skipping lunch altogether now and then won't hurt her (if you see what I mean). Tact is a strong point of mine.

When doing a household task, she seems to believe she needs extra rest periods. She even has to have a rest when she's only cut half the lawn! I try not to complain. I tell her to fix herself a nice, cool glass of freshly squeezed juice and sit for a while. And, while she's fixing herself one, she might as well fix me one, too.

I realise I'm a saint, the way I support Ellen, and I can't tell you people it's easy. Many men will find it too hard. Some'll find it's not even possible! No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can get as they grow old. But, guys, if you end up a little less critical of your wife as a result of this article, I'll consider it's all been worthwhile. After all, people are put on the planet to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Tex died suddenly on April 12 of a punctured rectum. The police report states he was found with a Callaway extra-long fifty-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club thrust up his rear end, with barely five inches of grip showing. A club-hammer lay nearby. His wife, Ellen, was charged with his murder. The all-woman jury took ten minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting the defence that Tex accidentally sat on his golf club.


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904

Spring is sprung, the grass is ris.
I wonders where the birdies is.
They say the birds is on the wing.
Ain't that absurd?
I always thought the wing was on the bird.

Spring is here, ain't you heard?
'Tis the season when we step in whitish turds
(both shy baby hares' and regurgitating birds').
Sigh!...as I sit wrestling with words.


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905

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
-- Ogden Nash

Vow to turn nagging to higher praise,
Even where it might not be due;
Winking, provide the cure phrase,
Warmly murmur, "Honey, I love you."


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906

APRIL FOOL'S DAY
by Kenn Nesbitt

Mackenzie put a whoopie cushion
on the teacher's chair.
Makayla told the teacher
that a bug was in her hair.

Alyssa brought an apple
with a purple gummy worm
and gave it to the teacher
just to see if she would squirm.

Elijah left a piece of plastic
dog doo on the floor,
and Vincent put some plastic vomit
in the teacher's drawer.

Amanda put a goldfish
in the teacher's drinking glass.
These April Fool's Day pranks
are ones that you could use in class.

Before you go and try them, though,
there's something I should mention:
The teacher wasn't fooling
when she put us in detention.

HO-HO-HO! SOME FUNNY SUPPLIES
FOR THE ANAGRAMMY GUYS

To doting gentle Tony Crafter?
Some canned jovial laughter!
Technological Meyran Kraus?
View's new classic mouse!?

Huge Adie Pena?
Just maize from Kenya!
Hallucinating Andrew Brehaut?
Heehaw! That supply of pot!

Too intense Dharam Khalsa?
The table of balsa!
Philosophical Scott Gardner?
The Swahili newspaper!

The shopping Rosie Perera?
That outlandish Queen's tiara!
The shining Ellie Dent?
Genuine shoes made from cement!

Too stoical Chris Sturdy?
The authentic stuffed birdie!
Psychopathic David Bourke?
The hottest auto-dildo that won't work!


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907

Spring
by Gerard Manley Hopkins

Nothing is so beautiful as spring
When weeds, in wheels, shoot long and lovely and lush;
Thrush's eggs look little low heavens, and thrush
Through the echoing timber does so rinse and wring
The ear, it strikes like lightnings to hear him sing;
The glassy peartree leaves and blooms, they brush
The descending blue; that blue is all in a rush
With richness; the racing lambs too have fair their fling.

What is all this juice and all this joy?
A strain of the earth's sweet being in the beginning
In Eden garden.—Have, get, before it cloy,
Before it cloud, Christ, lord, and sour with sinning,
Innocent mind and Mayday in girl and boy,
Most, O maid's child, thy choice and worthy the winning.

May is coming to my humble little abode;
Swallows inevitably appearing in the portal;
A resolute dandelion thrives, as if immortal;
New growth encroaching the walkway, to be mowed.

Birds garnish the budding thorny branch,
Releasing hatchlings reluctant to leave their nest.
To till his land in the thirsty southwest,
The neighbor harnesses a horse on his ranch.

My husband and I enjoy the lengthening days,
Tending the garden in the blinding sun;
Then, unhurriedly, when the work is done,
Relishing twilight on an outdoor chaise.

The highlight is observing our grandchild,
As each astonishing miracle is assessed.
Giving joyful thanks for being so blessed,
His sun-kissed face fleetingly profiled.


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908

[Below is George Herbert's poem 'Easter' anagrammed into 4 successive short poems dealing with each of the 4 seasons. As a twist, there's also a 5th poem about April.]

Easter

I got me flowers to straw Thy way,
I got me boughs off many a tree;
But Thou wast up by break of day,
And brought'st Thy sweets along with Thee.

Yet though my flowers be lost, they say
A heart can never come too late;
Teach it to sing Thy praise this day,
And then this day my life shall date.

[Summer]

This white sunbeam
May yet burst through,
To heat mates teamed
As knots of two.



[Fall]

On this big day,
The tatty clouds
Along the way
Become a crowd.



[Winter]

Suave tomtits sing,
Yet loathe the spray;
They flap their wings,
Then flee that grey.



[Spring]

A line so gay
Of dewy flowers,
Bathed by that ray
Of early hours.




These 4 poems are actually also 4 quarters of a longer poem dealing with Easter weather...


This   white sunbeam, on this big day,
May yet burst through the tatty clouds,
To heat  mates teamed along the way,
As   knots   of   two become a crowd.
Suave   tomtits  sing a line so gay,
Yet loathe  the spray of dewy flowers;
They flap their wings bathed by that ray -
Then  flee  that grey of early hours.