901

ON MAY MORNING
by John Milton

Now the bright morning Star, Day's harbinger,
Comes dancing from the East, and leads with her
The Flowery May, who from her green lap throws
The yellow Cowslip, and the pale Primrose.
Hail bounteous May that dost inspire
Mirth and youth, and warm desire,
Woods and Groves, are of thy dressing,
Hill and Dale, doth boast thy blessing.
Thus we salute thee with our early Song,
And welcome thee, and wish thee long.

TRYST AND TRAGEDY
(Most Loyal Men Love Sympathy)

There once was a strong gal named Joan
Who wanted a proper boy of her own.
In the surly Fall, she searched low and high;
In the harsh Winter, sloshed far and nigh;
In the bright Spring, wandered many a mile;
In Summer light, swam from beach to isle.
But it's terribly worst to hide a tough lie.
So no matter how hard she would try
She was the slimy unbecoming one.
So the poor odd gal ended with none.

902

WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

HOPE

When nothing seems right, and strength is low
When men take fright, and meet stress or
Strife, despair of better care, and when
The light declines, hurt spirits dip, when
The frost bedecks the dead land... then,
Somewhere o'er the rainbow, bluebirds soar.

903

Charles Clarkson and his pal Sam decided to go skiing, so they loaded up Charles's van and headed north.

After travelling for some hours, they got caught in a bad snowstorm, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could shelter there for the night.

'I realise that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she said. 'The neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Oh, don't worry,' Charles said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather clears up, we'll be gone in the morning.'

The lady agreed. The men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and the men headed off to enjoy an excellent weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Charles got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally decided it must be from the lawyer of the attractive widow he'd met on the skiing trip.

He dropped in on Sam and asked, 'Do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing trip up north about nine months ago?'

'Yes, I do,' replied Sam.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well... yes,' Sam said, a bit embarrassed at being found out. 'I have to admit, I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?'

Sam's face turned as red as a beetroot. 'Yes, I'm sorry Charles; I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

TEODORO, THE MIDDLE-AGED LOTHARIO.

Teodoro, a middle-aged but reputedly virile Italian gentleman, was having a drink at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde woman.

They chatted for a while and things duly progressed to the point where he took her back to his apartment. After more drinks and witty chat on his part, they retired to the bedroom, where he rattled her senseless...

After their joyful activity, he asked with a happy smile, 'So, you finish, yes?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Somewhat deflated, but keen to live up to his mighty reputation, Teodoro reached for her and they resumed their intimacy. This time they made love with added voracity and there were howls of wild passion. The furious sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, 'You finish, yes?'

After a short pause, the woman returned his smile, cuddled up closer to him and softly murmured, 'No.'

Mamma mia! Stunned, but determined not to leave this magnificent woman unsatisfied, Teodoro reached for her yet again. Summoning up the very last of his strength, he was barely able to get through it, but they finally ended together screaming joyfully, bucking, clawing and ripping at the bed sheets. Wow, dynamite!

The exhausted Teodoro fell onto his back, groggy and gasping. Barely able to turn his head toward her, he looked into the woman's eyes, smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Hardly able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered, 'No, I Norwegian.'

904

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS
By
The Carpenters

Talkin' to myself and feelin' old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothin' is really wrong
Feelin' like I don't belong
Walkin' around
Some kind of lonely clown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
Nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me.

What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.
'Sweet' Gordon Brown.

Talking to myself and feeling odd,
Feel like I want to quit
This face, has never seemed to fit,
Flitting around,
Looking like a sad bloodhound,
No one wants to know me, I am Gordon Brown.

Why does everyone think I'm a goon?
Do I have a shifty look?
When plainly I'm an open book?
Steadfast am I,
Funny and wise and shy,
I'm no nutty nasty, I'm nice Gordon Brown.

Funny, but it seems that I'm the one you always blame,
Tony Blair, he got off lightly,
Silly how he duly went to war, that was insane,
Yet it's me you all curse nightly.

I shall go undaunted all the way,
Dedicated, set and brave
In my duty stay unswayed
I am no clown,
Yet they want to send me down,
No one understands me, I'm sad Gordon Brown.

905

Do you think English is an easy language? If your answer is yes....

A farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that they had to refuse more refuse.

We must carefully polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would only get the lead out.

He decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, they thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at from above, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The medical insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about the correct way to row.

They were too close to the door to make it close.

A buck does funny things when does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer.

To help with planting, a farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was way too strong to wind the sail.

Upon seeing a tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

English is such a crazy language! There certainly is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and no apple OR pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England, nor were French fries invented in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand really works very slowly, boxing rings are actually square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One moose, two meese?

Makes sense to me - we see one solo goose, two geese, so two mongeese?

We're weird! It's a crazy idea that we can make amends but not offer a single amend. If one possesses a bunch of odds and ends, forfeits all but just one, what does he have left - the odd or the end?

If teachers taught, why don't we say the preacher praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Sometimes I think all English professors need to be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language in the world would people recite in a play and go play in a recital? Or ship freight by truck and send truck by ship? Or possess noses that run and feet that smell?

How do the two extreme opposites of slim chance and fat chance express the same thing, while two similar expressions - wise man and wise guy - denote the opposite? Yes, I have to wonder at the unique lunacy of a language in which a house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

The stressful English language was generated and written by people, pre-computer, of course, so it represents the creative jargon of the entire human race, which is not a race at all! That is why when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they're invisible.

Though I thought I was through with this rough interpretation and just need to proofread it, test it, post it, and adjourn (I'm tired...dog-tired), I still wonder why 'Buick' doesn't rhyme with 'quick'!

(For reference, this was forwarded to me in a newsletter, renewed and reworded; therefore, I don't suggest the newsletter's present reedited letters are new!)