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THE GOLFING NUN
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a heavy sigh.
'What troubles you, Sister Cecelia?' asked the Mother Superior... 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It is,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Jesus.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior concurred. 'So, I take it your day of joyous recreation was not relaxing?'
'Joyous? Far from it,' groaned the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness me!' gasped the Mother Superior. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the eighth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother... a five-hundred-and-forty-yard par-five, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I chose ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that did not make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it! While I'm still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel jumps out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that could make me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.
'But I did not, Mother!' cried the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I'm pondering whether it's a sign from God, a hawk swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So, that is when you cursed,' said the other with a knowing smile.
'No, that wasn't it either,' she cried, 'because, as the hawk was flying out of sight, the squirrel began to struggle and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball pinged out of his paws and rolled to about eighteen inches from the hole!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ....
'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'
THE GOLFING ASSASSIN.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at their local golf course when a man carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're very welcome.' So, with that, they started playing and they enjoyed the game, as well as the stranger's company.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'Well, I'm a... professional hit man. I carry out assassinations,' was the somewhat embarrassed reply.
'What? You are kidding, right?' they responded, flabbergasted.
'No, I'm not,' he said, delving into his golf bag, and pulling out an impressive sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'And to prove it, this is my equipment.'
'Wow, that's a beautiful telescopic sight,' whistled the other friend. 'Mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to spot my house from here.'
He picked up the rifle and looked westwards through the sight, towards the direction of his house.
'Yep, I can see my house all right. Wow, this sight's terrific! I can view right in through the windows. And there's my wife in the front bedroom...! I can see that she's stark naked... W'wait a minute,' he stuttered, 'that's my neighbour in there with her... Lord! He's undressed as well!' He turned to the hit man, 'Right,' he huffed, 'that's it! How much would you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a standard flat rate for you - a thousand dollars, plus tax, every time I pull the trigger.'
'Will you liquidate both of them for me right now?'
'Ok,' he nodded, 'what are your requirements?'
'First, shoot my wife. She's always been a bigmouth, so take her square in the mouth. Then, that sex-mad neighbour who's supposed to be my friend - shoot his worthless dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man nodded, 'I understand'. He lifted the rifle, composed himself, then started to take aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Well? Are you going to do it or not?' asked the frustrated friend.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I may be able to save you a grand here...'