901

A man was driving through the backwoods of Montana when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rang the bell and the owner appeared and told him that the dog was in the backyard.

The guy went into the backyard and saw a very nice looking Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asked.

"Yep," the Lab replied.

After the guy had recovered from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he enquired, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looked up and replied, "Well, my name is Rex. I discovered that I could talk way back when I was very young. I wanted to help the government, so I phoned the CIA and spoke to them... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and even big world leaders, because no one imagined that a common dog would actually be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really exhausted me, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a big batch of medals. Then I met a Lab bitch, got married and had a mess of puppies. Now I'm just retired."

The man was amazed. He went back to the house and asked the owner how much he wanted for Rex.

"Ten dollars," the guy said.

"Huh? Ten dollars? But that dog is amazing, man! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of those things."

A man went out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ron!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Ron Todd. He's a guy who did everything right all the time, like coming along just when you wanted a cab. Surprising things like that happened to Ron Todd every time."

Passenger: "But there's the odd rain-cloud over us all."

Cabbie: "Not Ron Todd. And he was a terrific athlete. Ron could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor and danced like a Broadway superstar and, oh, you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Yes, it sounds as if Ron Todd was really special."

Cabbie: "And that's not all. Ron had a mind like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. Ron knew all about wine, and understood what food to order and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. If I change a fuse, the entire street blacks out. But Ron could do everything right."

Passenger: "Some guy!"

Cabbie: "Ron always knew the quickest way to go to dodge traffic jams. Not like me, I always get stuck in them. Ron Todd never made mistakes, not one. And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He'd never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always stylish, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made mistakes. No one measured up to dear old Ron Todd."

Passenger: "An amazing guy. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ron. He died. I'm married to his f****g widow."

902

Bad to Good Poem
(Author's alias: "Neurosis Before Hope")

Bad: awful, wretched, terrible, painful;
Nasty, evil, wicked, horrible, baneful;
Naughty, negative, rebellious, improper, crude;
Contemptuous, unruly, villainous, rude;
Defective, faulty, inadequate, inferior, adverse;
Reprehensible, all wrong, flawed, seedy, averse;
Immoral, guilty, unredeemed, disappointing;
Unfavourable, unpleasant, unfortunate, distressing;
Incorrect, invalid, unsatisfactory, fallacious;
Melancholy, gloomy, grim, tragic, worthless;
Filthy, putrescent, foetid, rank, piteous;
Endangering, harmful, grave, lethal, injurious.

Good: commendable, superior, quality, first-rate;
Genuine, real, right, valid, sound, legitimate;
Cheerful, friendly, helpful, pleasant, sunny, congenial;
Benevolent, charitable, humane, gracious, convivial;
Dutiful, upright, virtuous, admirable, worthy;
Kindly, mannerly, generous, fair, praiseworthy;
Competent, orderly, steadfast, unpretentious;
Adroit, adept, accomplished, unerring, advantageous;
Wise, wonderful, clever, desirable, harmonious;
Safe, sure, trusted, wholesome, salubrious.
Skilled, useful, efficient, proficient, favourable;
Opportune, valuable, gratifying, rewarding, enjoyable!

903

OCTOPUS'S GARDEN

I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus's garden in the shade

I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus's garden with me
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus's garden near a cave

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)

We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you

Dumbfounded, downbeat, disheartened, despondent, devastated Deutschland
Acceded to a televised outdoor upset in July by the passionate power of European winner Spain.
Eventually, as the weakened German team was announced third, now was banned,
Downtrodden, depressed, woebegone, weary with disappointment, woe and pain,
Shockingly, a mysterious treacherous stowaway sports enthusiast known as 'Gus'
Impulsively abducted, disembowelled our psychic-vision, fortune-telling octopus, cut out its esophagus!
Laughing, hooting hysterically, the wanton beer-drunken Berliner,
Unbeknownst, unannounced to unaware bystanders, eyewitnesses and observers, began to saute, cook,
And eat the tasty creature, featuring sweet Hawaiian onions, a good white wine, with two antacids for dinner.
PAUL IS DEAD Ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-ha, hee-hee, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-ha, hee-hee, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-ha (with backwards gobbledygook)

904

OCTOPUS'S GARDEN
By
The Beatles

I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus's garden in the shade

I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus's garden with me
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus's garden near a cave

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)

We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you

PSYCHIC OCTOPUS

I'd sooner be under the sea
Than be stuck here like some sideshow in a cage.
But I've achieved celebrity,
As an octopus called Paul, who's all the rage.

Why do they wander near and far,
To see me picking mussels out of jars?
I'd sooner be under the sea,
Than be stuck here like some sideshow in a tank.

How I crave the ocean waves
Not this teeny, wet glass cube where space is sparse,
I'd love to be under the sea
And I don't want to dignify this farce.

I wish I was ocean bound,
Where I would swim and spin around.
Unsung, yet free, under the sea,
And not be a lonesome sideshow in a tank.

Don't want to stay another day
In wet, aerated brine no way, no way,
(Gulp! Aerated brine? Egad! No way)
Unplug these probes, oh boy, I need to go,
To that watery world beneath the sea
(World beneath the sea)

Suspended, happy, with my pals,
Not subdued and hung up in a tank.
I'd love to be, under the sea,
And, I need to go now, uh, huh.
Need to go now, uh huh
Need to go now. The End.

905

JULY
by Hilaire Belloc

The Kings come riding back from the Crusade,
The purple Kings and all their mounted men;
They fill the street with clamorous cavalcade;
The Kings have broken down the Saracen.
Singing a great song of the eastern wars,
In crimson ships across the sea they came,
With crimson sails and diamonded dark oars,
That made the Mediterranean flash with flame.

And reading how, in that far month, the ranks
Formed on the edge of the desert, armoured all,
I wish to God that I had been with them
When the first Norman leapt upon the wall,
And Godfrey led the foremost of the Franks,
And young Lord Raymond stormed Jerusalem.

JULY

A crab perishes in the hell-like murky slick
Offending London as the controversy rages.
What the men read and fathom makes them sick
Hundredfold on television, in the web pages.
Tarring mammal fur, fins, feathers and wings
The waters turn lethal in grimy Louisiana.
The glib person won't narrate those mad things
As the dark tides reach the coast of Florida...

Immolating the endangered school and flock.
Accommodating the horrid CEO's job pressure,
Drown the hardheaded fool, smear the wayward.
Let me gag the ill-mannered and the immature.
With no effort to tame the shame and the shock,
Let's drub president Anthony Hayward!

906

What's in the brain that ink may character
Which hath not figured to thee my true spirit?
What's new to speak, what new to register,
That may express my love or thy dear merit?
Nothing sweet boy; but yet, like prayers divine,
I must, each day say o'er the very same,
Counting no old thing old, thou mine, I thine,
Even as when first I hallow'd thy fair name.
So that eternal love in love's fresh case
Weighs not the dust and injury of age,
Nor gives to necessary wrinkles place,
But makes antiquity for aye his page,
Finding the first conceit of love there bred
Where time and outward form would show it dead.

HE

Exists it in the mind that could be written,
Lip fruits which my rapt heart's fine intent trace?
Love lays I haven't sung, since I was smitten?
Idylls that my love birth to chant thy grace?
Nay, my dear boy; heard as a hymn to God
Greet I thee daily, rich familiar vows,
Adjudging fresh, worn protest pathways trod,
Not unlike when you first did me arouse.
Doth that love which remaineth ever green
E'er think fair youth a requisite for love?
Refusing to take note as strength grows lean,
Seek not ripe seasons to be wary of.
Oh may we catch a view of hope and see
New sound where we think it may muted be.

907

Reader, the artful verse below has stored a cryptic message concealed within.

A cipher, rich of secret;
turn its code
As new art gets revealed,
all maybe showed?

909

Foliage rouses.
Early lambs jump on grey snow --
Behold brave springtime.

Mornings enlightened.
A white daffy cocks its head;
Reaches for sunlight.

Absent birds return,
Project Migration complete;
Ready for young worm.

-

Moorhens grace blond brooks.
A gray snowdrop, brave tadpole
Yield to summertime

Julep for picnics,
Urges in fragrant meadows --
Nighttime's synergy.

Juice for the tennis --
Umbrellas defy weather,
Longing for this beach.

Autumn joins early --
Unrobed twig grasps forlorn branch.
Green renders to gold.

Swallows bluff the gloom.
Epidemic of harvest.
Pyjamas befriend.

Oak tries green acorn.
Chimney mouth spits acrid grey --
The time is bygone.

-

Natures array ebbs
Outstripped by hibernation.
Vengeful wintertime

Dejected blossom
Enthralling giggling children
Come Saint Nicholas

Jagged sky furrows
A wreath; food for my years corpse
No hope from summer.

909

[AÊBeatles song anagrammed into an eight-lines song detailing Paul's eight correct World Cup predictions andÊshaped likeÊan octopus]

Octopus's Garden

I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus's garden in the shade

I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus's garden with me
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus's garden near a cave

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)

We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you

910

[A tribute to almost every viral Youtube video up to 2010, set to the beat of "We Didn't Start The Fire"]

"We Didn't Start the Fire"
By Billy Joel

Harry Truman, Doris Day
Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon
Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe

Rosenbergs, H-Bomb,
Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I"
And "The Catcher in the Rye"

Eisenhower, vaccine
England's got a new queen
Marciano, Liberace
Santayana - Goodbye

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Josef Stalin, Malenkov
Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc

Roy Cohn, Juan Peron,
Toscanini, dacron
Dien Bien Phu falls, "Rock Around the Clock"

Einstein, James Dean,
Brooklyn's got a winning team
Davy Crockett, "Peter Pan"
Elvis Presley, Disneyland

Bardot, Budapest
Alabama, Khrushchev
Princess Grace, "Peyton Place"
Trouble in the Suez

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Little Rock, Pasternak
Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Zhou En-Lai
"Bridge on the River Kwai"

Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle,
California baseball
Starkweather, homicide,
Children of thalidomide

Buddy Holly, "Ben-Hur"
Space monkey, Mafia
Hula Hoops, Castro
Edsel is a no go

U2, Syngman Rhee,
Payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, "Psycho"
Belgians in the Congo

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Hemingway, Eichmann,
"Stranger in a Strange Land"
Dylan, Berlin
Bay of Pigs Invasion

"Lawrence of Arabia"
British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn
Liston beats Patterson

Pope Paul, Malcolm X
British politician sex
JFK, blown away
What else do I have to say?

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Birth control, Ho Chi Minh
Richard Nixon back again
Moonshot, Woodstock
Watergate, punk rock

Begin, Reagan, Palestine
Terror on the airline
Ayatollah's in Iran
Russians in Afghanistan

"Wheel of Fortune" , Sally Ride
Heavy metal, suicide
Foreign debts, homeless vets
AIDS, Crack, Bernie Goetz

Hypodermics on the shore
China's under martial law
Rock and Roller Cola Wars
I can't take it anymore!

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
But when we are gone
Will it still burn on, and on, and on, and on...

"Relentless Youtube Clicking"
By a World Wide Web fan

David After Dentist,
Achmed is a terrorist,
Sneezing Panda, Kruger fight,
Boom there goes the dynamite.

JK Wedding Entrance,
Evolution of Dance,
Two Girls One Cup,
Silly Bizkit waking up.

Leeroy Jenkins, Auto-tune,
T-Shirt Record, Beaker croons,
Thriller in Manila rocks
And my wiener in a box.

Arthur Fonzarelli clones,
Britney Spears? Leave her alone!
Keyboard Cat, Chocolate Rain,
Charlie bit me yet again!

I'd like another video;
Something worth exploring
Since my job is boring.
I'd like another video,
Since I'm weird and slobbish
And I'll scoff at rubbish.

Mentos in Diet Coke,
Rubik's Cube and Screamer joke,
Potter Puppets, Honda Cog
And Dramatic Prairie Dog.

Piano Stairs, Flash Mob song,
Safety lesson gone wrong,
Bill O'Reilly Rickroll'd,
Online surfers getting old.

Lego printer, Unicorn,
'Screw United Airlines' scorn,
'Shining' bits, yet with cheer,
African reunion tears.

Hidden Horse, Lengthy prank,
Cringe at awkward 'One Bank',
Bitten crotch, Schnappi chant
And an incoherent rant.

Ask A Ninja, "Bree" lies,
Double Rainbow, Oprah dies,
Facial electricity,
Techno eccentricity...

Send me another video;
One that's damn exciting
With atrocious lighting.
Send me another video;
One that's really witty
(or just stars a kitty!)

Daft Hands, Tron, Eduard Khil,
'OK Go' with treadmills,
Susan Boyle, Nunchucks Pro,
Shoes and Please Don't Tase Me Bro.

Hungry Raptor, Lip Dub,
Whistle Tips with Bubb Rubb,
Angered Winnebago Man
And this crying Bieber fan.

Critter in the weathercast,
Benny Hill Prawn running fast,
JibJab, Sleepwalk, DUI
And that Numa Numa Guy.

Wow can sell? Hitler yells?
What What? What the hell?
Where is Matt? Will it blend?
When will this annoyance end?!

I want another video,
Though tomorrow's dawning
And I'm really yawning.
I want another video,
Though it got me fired
And I'm stiff and tired.

Tunak Tunak, Windows Tricks,
Michael Jackson's clone mix,
Tillman always rides the best,
Janice and Awareness Test.

Free Hugs, Buying beer,
Noah photographed for years,
One Bad Day, Three big falls
And an animated wall.

Science-tainment, Wii Fit,
Yatta is a catchy hit,
Handwash error, News Fail,
Fred annoys and Bits of Whale.

Talented at parkour,
New Nintendo 64,
Certain eerie spectacles
And eight little tentacles.

Angry boy, Obama Girl,
Star Wars Kid's lightsaber twirl,
Tiny Tots and Baby Laugh -
No more clips, I had enough!

Don't want another video,
But I'm not a quitter -
I need stuff for Twitter.
Can't watch another video
But they'll never end -
Here's a new one from my friend...