The Special Category

Anagrammy Awards > Voting Page - Special Category


An optional explanation about the anagram in green, the subject is in black, the anagram is in red.

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901

(HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE) MARIA
from
The Sound of Music.

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzes on her way to Mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair
I even heard her singing in the abbey

She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real
She's always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Maria's not an asset to the abbey

I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!

She'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

BLEAK HOUSE

To Spain, I went on holiday,
I don't recall just where,
The village was so tiny
And the scenery so bare,
The name of it escapes me,
It was miles from anywhere,
I'd gone to seek some blissful relaxation.

The old house where I stayed was very
Small and made of stone,
It did not have a TV, no
It did not have a phone,
The taps were hard to shift - I
Wrenched them on, they gave a groan,
As water dribbled out, a brownish khaki.

Next day, alas, dealt me a real harsh blow;
Bad spasms down below...

How do you solve a problem like diarrhoea?
When you are miles away from any town?
Without a car (a cab had brought me here)
And nothing to take to calm all those gases down?

Many a stash I found inside the larder,
Many a can of beans; a loaf of bread,
But, sadly, no Diocalm,
Ha! Nary a handy balm,
Only some pills to ease an aching head.

So, how do you solve a problem like diarrhoea?
Rush to the john then take yourself to bed!

But the sleep it would not come,
My severely anguished bum
Was employed on active duty thrice an hour,
Unpredictab-a-ly churning,
My internals kept on turning,
As I prayed for help from some high superpower.

How I wished a pharmacy
Could be in that house with me,
How I wished I was at home, oh, how I wished!
But the overriding issue -
Was the dwindling toilet tissue,
When I looked, the final roll was
Oh...finished.

How do you solve a problem like diarrhoea?
When you are miles away from anywhere?
How do you make a healing panacea?
When all you have's a loaf and beans to spare?

So many thoughts rush through my achy forehead
So many salvos shake my sulky tum,
I wish I could run and hide
I wish I could turn the tide
So I could halt these harsh, sulfurous 'runs'.

How do you solve a problem like diarrhoea?
Try kamikaze? Yes! Hoorah! Bye bye.


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902

November Rain
(Guns N' Roses)

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain.

Now is the yearly season
Of our wedding oath's anniversary;
Valor is a known noble reason,
Enriched with constant camaraderie;
Match enkindled from above.
Behold thine eyes lustrous blue,
Enchanted continuous love,
Rekindling the honored oath anew.


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903

Here's something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

Do remember this story the next time somebody who knows nothing and who cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at the hairdresser's getting her hair coiffured for a dream trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the middle-aged, female hairdresser, who replied: "Why the hell would you wanna go there? It's crowded and it's dirty... you are crazy going to Rome. How are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Easyjet," was the reply. "They did us a great deal!"

"Flying with Easyjet!?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "Why, that's an awful airline! Their planes are all old and filthy, they always run late, and their flight attendants are lax and ugly. Where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be staying at this exclusive little place on the Tiber River called Teste."

"Hell, don't go any further! I know that place. Everybody picks it, thinking that it's going to be something special and exclusive, but that's piffle; they find it's really a dump. What sights are you going to see while you're in Rome?"

"We intend to visit the Vatican City and maybe catch sight of the Pope."

"Ha! That's rich!" guffawed the hairdresser. "You and the million other people all trying to spot him! He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this crummy trip of yours. Boy, you are sure going to need it."

A month later, the woman came back for her usual hairdo, and the hairdresser asked about her trip to Rome.

"Ah, it was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time, flying off on one of Easyjet's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and the wine were exquisite, and I had an extremely handsome 25-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was fabulous! They had just finished a mega 1-million-pound refurbishment, and now it's an absolute gem, the finest hotel in the city. They had also been overbooked, so they apologised and offered us the owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Hmm, that's as may be," huffed the hairdresser offhandedly, "but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were extremely lucky, because, as we toured the Vatican City, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and said that the Pope sometimes likes to meet the odd foreign visitor, so if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would give me a personal audience. And, sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope himself glided through the door and shook me by the hand!

With that, I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really? What did he say?"

He said: "Who the fuck did your hair?"

A group of four male lawyers loved their Saturday morning golf, then one was transferred to another town, leaving just three, and it was not the same any more.

A new woman lawyer, Rosetta, joined the company and overheard the guys talking about their golf. "I used to play on my ladies' golf team in college and I was pretty good," she said. "Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The men looked at each other, no-one really wanting to say 'yes', so they said ok, but they would be starting at six-thirty a.m. (reasoning the early time would discourage her).

She said it may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but agreed. "Good," she smiled, "I will be there at six-thirty or six-forty-five."

Rosetta showed up at six-thirty sharp and beat them all with a 2-under par score. She was good fun and a sweet person, and the guys were impressed.

Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated Rosetta and invited her back next week. "Ok! I'll be at the course at six-thirty or -forty-five," she said.

The next week she appeared at six-thirty sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The men were incredulous as she beat them with a praiseworthy even-par round, despite playing entirely with her off-hand. They were amazed, and wondered if she was trying to make them look poor by beating them left-handed.

They could not figure her out. She was very pleasant and did not seem to be purposely showing them up, so they invited her back, as each one now had a great desire to beat her.

The third week, the men arrived on time, but she was 15 minutes late, which irritated them. This time she played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three.

The men opined that her late arrival was gamesmanship, but she was so complimentary about their play, they could not be ungracious.

In the clubhouse, the three men shook their heads. Rosetta was a riddle no one could work out; it was quite eerie. They downed a couple of beers, and finally, one of them asked her outright, "How do you decide if you're going to play a right- or a left-handed game?"

"Well," she confided, "when my Pa taught me to play golf, I soon learned I was ambidextrous, so I would switch hands.

"When I got married, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a really loony ritual. Before I left each morning for golf practice, I'd pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointed to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of them joked, "So... what if it's pointing up in the air?"

"Then I'm fifteen minutes late."


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904

ANAGRAMS

We should not blame the humble bard,
Who finding it a task too hard
To build the lofty rhyme
Old letters with such care transposes,
Into new words the same composes,
And makes them quaintly chime.

As a feeble poet he, and man
Who knoweth that all odes don't scan,
Disposed with ruthless ditching might
Work on words to curb - maybe charm
But some similarly left there harm,
And he's many, lots to amuse...quite.


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905

Bill
Was ill.

In his delirium
He talked about Miriam.

This was an error
As his wife was a terror

Known
as Joan

Jake
in mistake

Wed librarian
Bless him, on heroin.

Now she's a warrior
Or with a similar

Fault
Wild assault.


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906

NOVEMBER
by Tom Waits

No shadow no stars
No moon no cars
November
It only believes
In a pile of dead leaves
And a moon
That's the color of bone

No prayers for November
To linger longer
Stick your spoon in the wall
We'll slaughter them all

November has tied me
To an old dead tree
Get word to April
To rescue me

November's cold chain
Made of wet boots and rain
And shiny black ravens
On chimney smoke lanes
November seems odd
You're my firing squad
November

With my hair slicked back
With carrion shellac
With the blood from a pheasant
And the bone from a hare
Tied to the branches
Of a roebuck stag
Left to wave in the timber
Like a buck shot flag

Go away you rainsnout
Go away blow your brains out
November

DECEMBER
by Santa Claus
(Ho-Ho-Ho? Oh-Oh-Oh!)

No quiet, no break,
More toys to make.
December.
A platoon of elves
So full of themselves;
A woman
That's no good with a saw.

No leeway in December
To imbibe longer,
Knock a keg in a bar
Or smoke a cigar.

December has bled me
For a Christmas tree.
Get word to Rudolph
To rescue me!

December's wild spell
Filled with toil and hell;
A showman's survival
Involving no nirvana.
December seems daft.
Serve me tankards of draft!
December.

They often annoy me!
Arbitrary, thorny,
Stubborn, horrible!
What Manhattan brats!
To overlook an inventory,
Find both a snivel, a moan!
Villainous tots now,
No penny consolation alone.

Go, you baboon-type urchins!
Go away with your wide grins!
December.


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907

The Christmas Party Memo
(Political Correctness in overdrive)

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 November 2010
RE: Christmas Party

I'm delighted to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at the Grill House. This gathering is for employees only. Therefore, we will register with the restaurant hostess at the door of the private function room at 12:00 noon.

There will be a cash bar and lots of drinks and festive eggnog. We'll have a little band there playing traditional holy carols. Please feel free to sing along! And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as that overstuffed bewhiskered jolly elf, Santa Claus!

The lighting of the Christmas tree will be at two o'clock and a photographer will take the group photograph. After we are photographed, the gift exchange will be done. However, each gift should not be over $10 to make the giving less challenging for our overstressed pocketbooks. As we indulge in the delightful roast beef and dessert, the CEO will give his address on the stage.

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party

In no way whatsoever was yesterday's memo intended to leave out our Jewish employees. This was an unfortunate oversight. We recognize that Chanukah is a very important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). We're redubbing our festivities the "Holiday Party."

The same applies to all other employees who are not believers in our Lord and Saviour. There will be no Christmas tree or traditional church carols sung. We will provide different types of music for your enjoyment. I hope you're all satisfied now!

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the snotty message I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate that request, but if I put a tag on a table that says "AA" you won't be anonymous anymore! How should I handle this? Try perching them high on the roof? Somebody?

Oh, and forget about the gift swap - no gifts are allowed. The spendthrift union officials feel $10 is too much money and the hardwired management believes it's a gyp! Therefore, NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Thank you,
Fed Up Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 10 November 2010
RE: Holiday Party

My, I never realized what a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the company party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your food until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the tables nearest the restroom.

Gay men are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men. Each group will have their own table. To the person asking permission to cross dress - sorry, no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short... oops, I meant to say 'vertically challenged' people. Low carb/low fat food will be available for those on special diets. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruit bowls as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" pies.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 14 November 2010
RE: The F*****g Holiday Party

Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f******g salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream! I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.

Pauline, the Bitch from HELL


FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Company Employees
DATE: 16 November 2010
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis an extra-speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at Room 200 of University Hospital. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and gift exchange, instead giving everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John


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908

[Emily Dickinson's poem anagrammed into a poem from a Native American POV that functions as an acrostic displaying the holiday name down each first letter; it's also a quiz: each line contains a food item for the holiday feast in anagram form.]

Thanksgiving Day

One day is there of the series
Termed Thanksgiving Day,
Celebrated part at table,
Part in memory.

Neither patriarch nor pussy,
I dissect the play;
Seems it, to my hooded thinking,
Reflex holiday.

Had there been no sharp subtraction
From the early sum,
Not an acre or a caption
Where was once a room

Not a mention, whose small pebble
Wrinkled any bay,
Unto such, were such assembly,
'Twere Thanksgiving Day.

Indian Poem

The Ravaged cry in exiled gloom
Here in my tribe's now-secret tomb,
As each drum plays the bitter lore
No mopey Red-Skin may ignore.
Keen boys that want gifts, fun and play,
So careless of this harsh dismay,
Grasp no apt truth; no barren cry
I cried when heinous men came by!
Vile apes that eat the turkey now,
I breathe this rarely whispered vow:
Not one shall take my true old den -
Ghosts banished can attack again.

[Solutions
Line 1: Ravaged cry in = Rice and gravy.
Line 2: now-secret = Sweet corn.
Line 3: each drum = Cured ham.
Line 4: may = Yam.
Line 5: gifts, fun = Stuffing.
Line 6: So careless = Casseroles.
Line 7: barren cry = Cranberry.
Line 8: cried = Cider.
Line 9: apes = Peas.
Line 10: this rarely = Relish tray.
Line 11: take my true = Turkey meat.
Line 12: banished = Bean dish.]