901

1. I fancy Tom Cruise

2. A dunce

3. Emulates Palin

4. Renters

5. Handled

6. Sang "Hit Me Baby"

7. Might K.O.?

1. NICOLE KIDMAN

2. GEORGE BUSH

3. TINA FEY

4. TENANTS

5. CLUTCHED

6. BRITNEY SPEARS

7. MUHAMMAD ALI

=

"Thy genius calls thee not to purchase fame. In keen iambics, but mild anagram." - Dryden

902

[Below is George Herbert's poem 'Easter' anagrammed into 4 successive short poems dealing with each of the 4 seasons. As a twist, there's also a 5th poem about April.] p>Easter

I got me flowers to straw Thy way,
I got me boughs off many a tree;
But Thou wast up by break of day,
And brought'st Thy sweets along with Thee.

Yet though my flowers be lost, they say
A heart can never come too late;
Teach it to sing Thy praise this day,
And then this day my life shall date.

[Summer]

This white sunbeam
May yet burst through,
To heat mates teamed
As knots of two.


[Fall]

On this big day,
The tatty clouds
Along the way
Become a crowd.


[Winter]

Suave tomtits sing,
Yet loathe the spray;
They flap their wings,
Then flee that grey.


[Spring]

A line so gay
Of dewy flowers,
Bathed by that ray
Of early hours.



These 4 poems are actually also 4 quarters of a longer poem dealing with Easter weather...


This   white sunbeam, on this big day,
May yet burst through the tatty clouds,
To heat  mates teamed along the way,
As   knots   of   two become a crowd.
Suave   tomtits  sing a line so gay,
Yet loathe  the spray of dewy flowers;
They flap their wings bathed by that ray -
Then  flee  that grey of early hours.

903

[A Beatles song anagrammed into an eight-line song detailing the eight correct World Cup predictions of Paul the Octopus and also shaped like him]

Octopus's Garden

I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus's garden in the shade

I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus's garden with me
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus's garden near a cave

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)

We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you

904

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS
By
The Carpenters

Talkin' to myself and feelin' old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothin' is really wrong
Feelin' like I don't belong
Walkin' around
Some kind of lonely clown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
Nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me.

What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.
'Sweet' Gordon Brown.

Talking to myself and feeling odd,
Feel like I want to quit
This face, has never seemed to fit,
Flitting around,
Looking like a sad bloodhound,
No one wants to know me, I am Gordon Brown.

Why does everyone think I'm a goon?
Do I have a shifty look?
When plainly I'm an open book?
Steadfast am I,
Funny and wise and shy,
I'm no nutty nasty, I'm nice Gordon Brown.

Funny, but it seems that I'm the one you always blame,
Tony Blair, he got off lightly,
Silly how he duly went to war, that was insane,
Yet it's me you all curse nightly.

I shall go undaunted all the way,
Dedicated, set and brave
In my duty stay unswayed
I am no clown,
Yet they want to send me down,
No one understands me, I'm sad Gordon Brown.

905

[Emily Dickinson's poem anagrammed into a poem from a Native American POV that functions as an acrostic displaying the holiday name down each first letter; it's also a quiz: each line contains a food item for the holiday feast in anagram form.]

Thanksgiving Day

One day is there of the series
Termed Thanksgiving Day,
Celebrated part at table,
Part in memory.

Neither patriarch nor pussy,
I dissect the play;
Seems it, to my hooded thinking,
Reflex holiday.

Had there been no sharp subtraction
From the early sum,
Not an acre or a caption
Where was once a room Ñ

Not a mention, whose small pebble
Wrinkled any bay,
Unto such, were such assembly,
'Twere Thanksgiving Day.

Indian Poem

The Ravaged cry in exiled gloom
Here in my tribe's now-secret tomb,
As each drum plays the bitter lore
No mopey Red-Skin may ignore.
Keen boys that want gifts, fun and play,
So careless of this harsh dismay,
Grasp no apt truth; no barren cry
I cried when heinous men came by!
Vile apes that eat the turkey now,
I breathe this rarely whispered vow:
Not one shall take my true old den -
Ghosts banished can attack again.

[Solutions
Line 1: Ravaged cry in = Rice and gravy.
Line 2: now-secret = Sweet corn.
Line 3: each drum = Cured ham.
Line 4: may = Yam.
Line 5: gifts, fun = Stuffing.
Line 6: So careless = Casseroles.
Line 7: barren cry = Cranberry.
Line 8: cried = Cider.
Line 9: apes = Peas.
Line 10: this rarely = Relish tray.
Line 11: take my true = Turkey meat.
Line 12: banished = Bean dish.]

906

ANNOUNCEMENT: International Alert Levels Raised!

The English are feeling the heat in the wake of recent terrorist threats and, as a safeguard, have now raised the national security level from "Displeased" to "Peeved". Security levels may soon be raised again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in Nineteen-forty, when it looked like tea supplies could run short.

Terrorism has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was back in Fifteen-eighty-eight, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have also raised their level from "Pissed Off" to "So, let's go and get those Bastards". They do not have any more levels. This is the reason those war-waging Scots have been used on the British army's front line for the last three-hundred years.

The French government announced today that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". This unusual rise was precipitated by a recent fire in France that wrecked a major white flag factory and has effectively paralysed all the country's military capabilities.

Italy has also increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing"

There are two levels left: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their state of terrorist alert from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor's Territory" and "Lose".

The Belgians aren't bothered as they're all on holiday. The only itty-bitty threat they find to worry about is that of NATO pulling out of Brussels soon.

The Spanish are excited to see their latest submarines ready to be deployed. These nifty, perfectly designed submarines have glass bottoms fitted so that the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

In the meantime, the Americans are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on their friends "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels from "baa" to "BAA!" Due to their current stiff reductions in defence spending, New Zealand has only one further level of alert, which is: "I hope Australia will come to our rescue".

Australia has raised its security alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three other escalation levels remain. They are: "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and, thirdly, "The barbie is cancelled".

So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the third escalation level.