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Out in Barns Green down in Horsham, West Sussex,
I had a duel with one ornery gent,
He was the cruel, one 'n' only El Puso
I came intent on a fight to the end.
There in an inn full of hillbilly yokels,
The ale looked like gnat's pee 'n' tasted the same
I arrived early to check on the venue,
Armed, set to kill, in this 'High Noon' endgame.
All of a sudden the door opened wide,
Someone came in from the night,
It was El Puso
Arriving with gusto,
The glint in his eye
Was a knife in my heart.
So I rose from my
Chair and I challenged him: "Show what you've got man,"
Down flew his hand, moving fast as a fox,
Before I knew it he delved in his bum-bag,
Drew out, like lighting... an old Scrabble box.
Just for one moment the whole room fell silent,
All I could hear was the beat of my heart,
Many words flew through my mind as I stood there,
I chose only two and I said them: "Let's start."
Before I knew it a table was cleared,
We both got chairs and sat down,
From my bag I took
My old Scrabble Wordbook,
He snarled, "Best of one."
My reply was a frown.
Then we each chose our
Tiles from the tile-bag, set them on tile-racks,
I looked at them once and got set to attack.
He tossed a coin in the air, and I cried "Tails!"
It came down heads and he sniggered, "First blood,"
He laid his tiles and he made 'FOXED' (for forty)
All I could make with my letters was 'MUD',
As we continued the game got more mean,
Puso played out of his skin,
I was still laggin' 'n'
My brain was flaggin'
While he laid words such as
'FIZGIG' and 'DJINN'.
Then at last I
Withdrew from the tile-bag the letter I longed for,
(Suffice to say, it's the one after 'P')
This only briefly revived my ill-fortune,
I also pulled out five 'I's and a 'V'.
A crowd had gathered, I heard someone giggling,
Puso was now fifty-five (55) points in front,
I notched sixty-four off a great double-triple,
I took the lead, and I heard Puso grunt.
He tagged an 'S' onto 'CIVIC' and made
'CIVICS' to score thirty-two,
Though I kept smilin'
Inside I was rilin',
I now held four 'I's,
Two 'O's and a 'U'.
So in anger I
Voiced my annoyance, changed my f***ing letters,
Effing 'n' blinding so uncivilly,
Then, all in a moment of insanity,
Next thing, he'd finished and beat me by three!
From out of nowhere El Puso has won it,
Funny how fortune can dive in that way
I said, "You've got me, and I have to pay," he said
"Buy me a lager," so I said,
EL PUSO II
Down in the West Kentish village of Knockholt,
I left my house and I went to the gate,
Threw on my poncho, adjusted my Stetson,
Lit a cheroot then set off to my fate.
The mist in the field hung like some ghostly blanket,
As I climbed a stile and walked into the night.
The village's inn was my end destination,
(Where Stella Artois is four-fifty a pint).
There I'd confront my foe from Barns Green,
The one called 'El Puso' (the swine),
Ruthless 'n' dashin'
A Scrabble assassin,
I'd lured him to Knockholt
Revenge will be mine!
As I came to
The end of the meadow I looked through a bush, to
The village inn car park on the other side,
Two minutes later I heard a low hum, as
Puso arrived in his Sinclair C5.
After he'd tied the car onto a gatepost,
He jumped out and he swaggered up to the inn,
Under his arm was his worn Scrabble box, so
I waited until I saw him go right in.
I whistled my way to the front of the inn,
(The 'Fistful Of Dollars' film theme),
For long I had planned
An entrance so grand,
So I kicked the door wide and
Stood there... looking mean.
As I chewed on
My cheroot, I heard someone growl, "Oi, you old twat!
"No smoking in here, and remove the gross hat!"
After I'd done as the voice had instructed,
I looked around for my sworn enemy,
Puso sat, nursing a nice mug of Stella,
He said, "Loving the outfit - you ready, TC?"
I got a Stella and off we did go,
Laying our tiles as before,
But he did not know
That under my poncho,
Was concealed a rogue 'X' to augment my score.
Then halfway in
The game I was trailing by fifty-five points but
I didn't care, I'd an ace up my sleeve;
I still held an 'X' hiding under my poncho,
If laid at a good time a win I'd achieve.
At last my chance came! I gratefully grabbed it,
Grinning, guffawing, at my enemy,
Laying my tiles one by one on the board...
I made 'XEROXING' to score massively!
I gave a growl and I bellowed, "Well, now!
"Er... one-fifty-one, what a blast!
"A win I have snaffled!"
El Puso looked baffled,
I swallowed my booze and I said, "Kiss my arse!"
"E... R... O. I...? Hey!
Hold on!" he bellowed, "there's two f***ing 'X's!"
Then, growling, he grabbed a big handful of tiles,
Venting his fury, he slung them at me,
I got hit on my nose with an 'O' 'n' two 'V's.
I heard the barman cry, "F*** off you asses!"
As Puso and I were thrown onto the drive;
I said, "I'm off now while I'm still alive,"
He said, "Ok" and left in his Sinclair C5.