901

EL PUSO

Out in Barns Green down in Horsham, West Sussex,
I had a duel with one ornery gent,
He was the cruel, one 'n' only El Puso
I came intent on a fight to the end.

There in an inn full of hillbilly yokels,
The ale looked like gnat's pee 'n' tasted the same
I arrived early to check on the venue,
Armed, set to kill, in this 'High Noon' endgame.

All of a sudden the door opened wide,
Someone came in from the night,
It was El Puso
Arriving with gusto,
The glint in his eye
Was a knife in my heart.

So I rose from my

Chair and I challenged him: "Show what you've got man,"
Down flew his hand, moving fast as a fox,
Before I knew it he delved in his bum-bag,
Drew out, like lighting... an old Scrabble box.

Just for one moment the whole room fell silent,
All I could hear was the beat of my heart,
Many words flew through my mind as I stood there,
I chose only two and I said them: "Let's start."

Before I knew it a table was cleared,
We both got chairs and sat down,
From my bag I took
My old Scrabble Wordbook,
He snarled, "Best of one."
My reply was a frown.

Then we each chose our

Tiles from the tile-bag, set them on tile-racks,
I looked at them once and got set to attack.

He tossed a coin in the air, and I cried "Tails!"
It came down heads and he sniggered, "First blood,"
He laid his tiles and he made 'FOXED' (for forty)
All I could make with my letters was 'MUD',

As we continued the game got more mean,
Puso played out of his skin,
I was still laggin' 'n'
My brain was flaggin'
While he laid words such as
'FIZGIG' and 'DJINN'.

Then at last I

Withdrew from the tile-bag the letter I longed for,
(Suffice to say, it's the one after 'P')
This only briefly revived my ill-fortune,
I also pulled out five 'I's and a 'V'.

A crowd had gathered, I heard someone giggling,
Puso was now fifty-five (55) points in front,
I notched sixty-four off a great double-triple,
I took the lead, and I heard Puso grunt.

He tagged an 'S' onto 'CIVIC' and made
'CIVICS' to score thirty-two,
Though I kept smilin'
Inside I was rilin',
I now held four 'I's,
Two 'O's and a 'U'.

So in anger I

Voiced my annoyance, changed my f***ing letters,
Effing 'n' blinding so uncivilly,
Then, all in a moment of insanity,
Next thing, he'd finished and beat me by three!

From out of nowhere El Puso has won it,
Funny how fortune can dive in that way
I said, "You've got me, and I have to pay," he said
"Buy me a lager," so I said,
"Okay."

EL PUSO II

Down in the West Kentish village of Knockholt,
I left my house and I went to the gate,
Threw on my poncho, adjusted my Stetson,
Lit a cheroot then set off to my fate.

The mist in the field hung like some ghostly blanket,
As I climbed a stile and walked into the night.
The village's inn was my end destination,
(Where Stella Artois is four-fifty a pint).

There I'd confront my foe from Barns Green,
The one called 'El Puso' (the swine),
Ruthless 'n' dashin'
A Scrabble assassin,
I'd lured him to Knockholt
Revenge will be mine!

As I came to

The end of the meadow I looked through a bush, to
The village inn car park on the other side,
Two minutes later I heard a low hum, as
Puso arrived in his Sinclair C5.

After he'd tied the car onto a gatepost,
He jumped out and he swaggered up to the inn,
Under his arm was his worn Scrabble box, so
I waited until I saw him go right in.

I whistled my way to the front of the inn,
(The 'Fistful Of Dollars' film theme),
For long I had planned
An entrance so grand,
So I kicked the door wide and
Stood there... looking mean.

As I chewed on

My cheroot, I heard someone growl, "Oi, you old twat!
"No smoking in here, and remove the gross hat!"

After I'd done as the voice had instructed,
I looked around for my sworn enemy,
Puso sat, nursing a nice mug of Stella,
He said, "Loving the outfit - you ready, TC?"

I got a Stella and off we did go,
Laying our tiles as before,
But he did not know
That under my poncho,
Was concealed a rogue 'X' to augment my score.

Then halfway in

The game I was trailing by fifty-five points but
I didn't care, I'd an ace up my sleeve;
I still held an 'X' hiding under my poncho,
If laid at a good time a win I'd achieve.

At last my chance came! I gratefully grabbed it,
Grinning, guffawing, at my enemy,
Laying my tiles one by one on the board...
I made 'XEROXING' to score massively!

I gave a growl and I bellowed, "Well, now!
"Er... one-fifty-one, what a blast!
"A win I have snaffled!"
El Puso looked baffled,
I swallowed my booze and I said, "Kiss my arse!"

"E... R... O. I...? Hey!

Hold on!" he bellowed, "there's two f***ing 'X's!"
Then, growling, he grabbed a big handful of tiles,
Venting his fury, he slung them at me,
I got hit on my nose with an 'O' 'n' two 'V's.

I heard the barman cry, "F*** off you asses!"
As Puso and I were thrown onto the drive;
I said, "I'm off now while I'm still alive,"
He said, "Ok" and left in his Sinclair C5.

902

Never trust a dwarf who says your wife's hair smells lovely!

*

Irish historians have discovered what they believe could be the headstone of the oldest man ever to have lived. He was 163 and called Miles from Dublin.

*

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knicker-drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit and a policewoman's uniform, I have decided that she's not. She obviously can't hold a job down!

*

What is the similarity between your first car and anal sex?
You don't really want it, but your uncle insists.

*

I have just bought some of that 007 Viagra. It makes you want to roger more!

*

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and stopping out late." The cop replies, "Oh yeah; and who'd be giving such a lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife"

*

I was in bed with a near-sighted girl last night and she told me I had the biggest penis she'd ever had her hands on.
I said, 'You're pulling my leg.'

*

I have just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they are not actually a dating agency.

*

Society Sally said to the good-looking stranger, "Hey, you sure do look like my fifth husband."
The stranger was somewhat taken aback. "Oh? How many times have you been married?" he asked.
"Four," she replied.

*

Two blondes on a park bench. One says, "Gee, which do you think is farther away, the moon or Florida?"
"Hellooo," replies the other, "can you see Florida?"

*

A Professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not perhaps the most appealing subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you are having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out golfing with his mates.'

*

I went to bed with 2 frisky Thai girls last night. It was like winning in the lottery! We had 6 matching balls.

*

A young guy saw a girl in a nightclub, and thought she was the most fragrantly beautiful female he'd ever seen, so he went up to her and said, "I may look fairly ordinary, but my father's a multi-millionaire and when he dies I'll inherit everything."
A month later she became his step-mother.

*

A blonde goes off for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Hi!' she calls, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and yells back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

*

A blonde arrives at a gas station pushing her Jaguar and tells the mechanic it stalled. After working on it for 10 minutes, he gets it running.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor'
'Huh?' she says, 'How often do I have to do that?'

*

Old Chinese proverb: Man who confuse laxative with Viagra crap in bed!

*

A state police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
'I wish you guys would get your frigging act together,' she huffs; 'just last night you took away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!'

*

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death!

*

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; for Love to forgive him and for Patience to tolerate his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat the irritating bastard to death.
AMEN

*

A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

*

One day, Val's husband decided to have a go at washing his sweat-shirt. Just 30 seconds after going into the laundry room, he yelled to his wife, 'Hey Val, what setting do I use on this washing machine?'
'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma.'

*

MAN: 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?'
GOD: 'So you'd love her.'
MAN: 'But why did you make her so dumb?'
GOD: 'So she'd love you.'

903

Batman: The Dark Knight Rises

Embarks that night near kids.
The damn risk's breathtaking.
Grin marks beast; think death.
Bang! That man strikes her kid.
Harm begat in the dark stinks.
Midnight heartbreaks stank.
Arrest that king behind mask.
Had best think, "making arrest."

904

[This crossword includes two revolutionary scientific theories and the scientist's name highlighted in blue. The letters in the completed 17x17 crossword grid are an anagram of both the 17 "ACROSS" and 17 "DOWN" clues which are anagrams of each other.

As an additional hint, the solution of the three clues highlighted in red comprise an anagram of the scientific effect for which the scientist won the Nobel Prize. (most people think it was for 19-Across or 5-Down)]

ACROSS 1. Stole 4. Loafers (4,7) 9. Duller 10. Name (see eleven Down) 13. Privy internal figure 14. Prior (2,7) 15. Input/Output 16. Changed character 19. I unify space/time (7,10) 21. ___ fill all actual labor there (3-11) 23. Ready 25. Sharper point (Latin) (1,8) 26. A nearby conspicuous star 27. Trip type (3-3) 28. Titian need (3,5) 30. Any ion in solution 31. Receive

DOWN 1. Oral copulation of her labia 2. Pour 3. I roar! 4. Universe's painfully swollen epoch? 5. Mass/energy parity (7,10) 6. Afternoon 7. Prattle 8. Bristles 11. An epitaph: An eccentric intellect 12. I have made perfect tense (4,10) 17. Continuously (3,2,3,3) 18. Individually (3,2,3) 20. Erupting 22. Endure 24. Attire 25. Unitary 29. ___ I dare?

[ The Nobel Prize in Physics 1921 was awarded to Albert Einstein "for his services to Theoretical Physics, and especially for his discovery of the law of the photoelectric effect."] CREPT+IO+CLOTHE = PHOTOELECTRIC

905

* A GOOD CHRISTIAN: You have two ordinary cows. You keep one cow and donate the other one to a poor neighbor.

* A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your poor neighbor.

* A REPUBLICAN: You own two cows. Your "slovenly" neighbor on welfare does not own one. You say, "Who cares?"

* AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your poor neighbor owns none. You feel guilty and concerned over his inconvenience. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one. The people you voted for take the money, buy a cow at four times the market price, and give that cow to aid your neighbor. Hurrah, now you can rejoice!

* A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. Government men seize both of them and provide you with rancid milk.

* A FASCIST: You own two cows. In a government crackdown, both are seized. You purchase the milk they produce.

* AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT (VARIATION) You have two cows. The government can tax you to the point you soon have to sell the cows to support a poor unknown man in a faraway country who has only one cow, which was provided to him by America.

* A CAPITALIST, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, purchase a good bull, and are a success. You incorporate your herd.

* A BUREAUCRAT, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one (euthanasia), milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.

* AMERICAN CORPORATION: You obtain two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of five cows. You can't believe it when the milk cow drops dead.

* FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want many more cows.

* JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they're one-tenth the size of ordinary milk cows and produce twenty times as much milk.

* GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. How are you going to reengineer them so they live for one hundred years, eat once a month, and milk themselves?

* ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you wish you knew where they have gone. You go on break.

* RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have ten cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve cows. Vexed, you stop and go open another bottle of vodka.

* MEXICAN CORPORATION: You once had two cows, but are unable to locate them. You go take a siesta.

* SWISS CORPORATION: You have been presented with five thousand cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them.

* BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You slyly enter into partnership with a big American corporation. Soon you have over a thousand smelly cows, and the American corporation has declared bankruptcy.

* INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

906

Here's the message that's coming from Mitten:
Barack has been mean to Great Britain -
He has dissed Winston's bust,
For which Romney has lust,
And Obama ain't Anglo-Sax smitten.

A magnate transmitting things in London
Began to crack as the day wore on.
He's a barbarian, he's scum;
As he exhibits he's assdumb
With these misstatements left from a moron!

907

[Shakespeare's star-themed sonnet anagrammed into a poetic model of the solar system, which is also illustruated.]

Sonnet Number Fourteen
Written by William Shakespeare

Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck;
And yet methinks I have Astronomy,
But not to tell of good or evil luck,
Of plagues, of dearths, or seasons' quality;
Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell,
Pointing to each his thunder, rain and wind,
Or say with princes if it shall go well
By oft predict that I in heaven find:
But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive,
And, constant stars, in them I read such art
As truth and beauty shall together thrive,
If from thyself, to store thou wouldst convert;
Or else of thee this I prognosticate:
Thy end is truth's and beauty's doom and date.