901

50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER
By
Paul Simon

"The problem is all inside your head," she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Ooh slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

50 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR LOVER
(Do Not Go Gentle)
By
I. O. Bey

"Your problems mostly lie beneath the duvet," she told me;
"I wrote a book and it explains a thing or three,
The bed's a place of folly, pain and joy, and so you see
You must have fifty ways to please your lover."

She said, "Hey, I don't want to be discourteous or rude,
But I hear say your prowess in the boudoir is, well... crude,
So if you're lying, in confusion, in the nude,
You've got those fifty ways to please your lover
Yes, fifty ways to tease your lover."

You just jump in the sack, Mac
Tie up her feet, Pete,
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned
Yes, listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Go as rough as you like, Mike
Slap her backside Clyde
But don't set her free.

You just jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up the feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned,
Yes, listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Be as cruel as you like, Mike,
Make her bum sting, Bing,
Just don't let her free.

She said coyly, "Every woman loves her pleasure with a sting,
Now, all that lovey-dovey nonsense just don't mean a thing,
But lying, cruelly locked in shackles sure gives you a zing
In joyous ways."

She urged, "Go buy my book and you'll find out about it all,
Wow, it's joyful being cuffed up to a cellar wall!"
So I groaned softly, "Yes I'm willing and I'm cool
To try one of fifty ways to please your lover.
Fifty ways to tease your lover."

You just jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up her feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed Ned,
Just don't set her free.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Be as cruel as you like, Mike,
Whack her backside, Clyde
Just don't let her free.

Jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up the feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned,
Just listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Go as tough as you like, Mike,
Make her bum sting, Bing,
But don't set her free.

902

[A three-way astronomically-themed crossword includes 5 entries colored in red, comprising an anagram of a celebrated astronomer. The across and down clues are anagrams of each other as well being anagrams of the completed grid.]

ACROSS 1. Brusque; mean 6. Underestimate 11. Propose 12. Minks 14. Mutiny 15. A nascent sun 16. Sol 17. A giant gaseous planet 19. Harness; strap 20. A wee lad 21. Tavern; saloon 25. A church 27. Worried 29. Whisper at him or her "Hey you..." 31. SSN equivalent 33. Acreage 35. Urchin 36. Lloyd's of London, e.g. 39. Incipience 41. Arctic; bitter 42. A tear 46. Zodiac 48. All our pennies contain it 49. Hotelier 51. Senseless 52. Appropriate 53. Sure was one remote planet 54. Stretch 55. Felicitously

DOWN 1. Unpalatable 2. Usual observances 3. Union 4. I zap hair 5. Yard construction 6. Illness 7. Alien phoning home? 8. Reins 9. A dye 10. PC time-waster 13. War deity 18. Not hers 22. Spook's month 23. Super___ 24. Quasi-stellar 26. A part in ears 28. Articulate 30. Sun-centered revolution 31. I play racquet games in here 32. ___ minor 34. Genuine patriots 37. Portfolio 38. Plus; also 40. Watch; see 43. Seamen's deity 44. Connected 45. The Oracle was seen in here 47. Scarf 50. Hector, e.g.

18D 1D 14A: 30D 48A =
___ ______ __________ ________ __________

His unpopular treason: Heliocentric Cosmos =
The Polish astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus

903

BUMPER STICKERS:

The older I get, the better I was.

Be nice to your kids; they will pick out your nursing home.

I finally get my head together and my ass collapses!

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends.

"Auntie Em; Hate you, hate Kansas, Taking the dog" Dorothy.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

No Radio - Already Stolen.

There are just 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

I expect to live for ever - so far, so good.
Nobody's perfect - I am a Nobody.

Gravity is not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Clinton ruined a dress. Obama ruined a nation.

Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog.
My other car's a broom.

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I would be unstoppable.

Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair!

Horn busted, watch for finger.

Welcome to England - Now speak English!

My other bumper sticker is funny.

My other ride is your Ma.

EXTRA CAUTION: Driver applying makeup.

Never have a heart attack while playing charades.
I CAN drive this car; I just choose to do so terribly.

If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter.

Dyslexics Untie!

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?

Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up?

A POTPOURRI OF GLEE
(Ten Jokes)

Went on vacation to the Canary Islands. I searched everywhere but couldn't find one canary. So I went to the Virgin Islands.
No feckin' canaries there either.

A guy goes into a barbershop advertising David Beckham-type haircuts. Ten minutes later, he looks in the mirror to see his scalp erratically shaven and cuts peppering his head.

"Oy! That's not how David Beckham has his hair cut!" protests the man.
The barber replies: "he would if he came here."

O'Toole telephoned Easyjet to book an economy flight.
"How many people are flying with you?" enquired the operator.
"I dunno!" replied O'Toole, "it's your f***ing plane!"

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the evening.
After 3 hours of mindboggling sex, Murphy lay back, lit a cigarette and said:
"Gee, I wonder how da girls are getting on?"

I've fitted some natty strobe lighting in the bedroom; it makes my wife look like she's moving during sex.

Such an unjust world: When a kinky man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.
When a kinky woman talks dirty to a man it's 3 min (charges may vary).

If you receive an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from ham, delete it immediately. It's Spam.

If you get an email saying: "Nude picture of Susan Boyle!" don't open it.
It's a nude picture of Susan Boyle.

I got a new stick of deodorant today.
The instructions said: 'Remove cap and push up bottom'.
I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells quite lovely.

904

[Easter riddles (answers are below)]

1. What do you have if you pour hot water in a rabbit hole?
2. How can you tell which rabbits are getting older?
3. What do you call four hundred rabbits all hopping backwards?
4. What happens if you mix up a computer manual and a cookbook?
5. What is the difference between a counterfeit banknote and a crazy bunny?
6. What do you get if you cross a bunny and an onion?
7. Why did the egg go to Switzerland?
8. What did the bunny plan to do after he grew up?
9. What do you call a mischievous egg?
10. What does a bunny use when it's cooking in the kitchen?
11. What did the egg do when another egg told it a joke?
12. How do you make a rabbit stew?
13. Why did the Easter egg hide?
14. Why was the Easter Bunny upset?
15. What did the chick say after his mum laid an orange?
16. How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur neat?
17. What kind of books do rabbits like?
18. What did the two eggs say as they were being boiled in a sauce pan?
19. Why can't a rabbit's nose be twelve inches long?
20. Who wrote Great Eggs-pectations?
21. What do rabbits get when it rains?
22. What day do chickens hate the most?
23. How do spring chickens stay in shape?
24. Why did the naked egg cross the road?
25. How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?
26. What happens if you play table tennis with a bad egg?
27. Why couldn't the rabbit take a plane home for Easter?
28. How does a chick fit in the shell?
29. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
30. What do you get if you cross a chicken and a Martian?

Watch out, now! We would get a hot cross bun-ny.
2. We would pick out the grey hares.
3. As the barber would say, a receding hare-line.
4. I hope we'd come up with a customized Egg-shell spreadsheet.
5. One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
6. The new hybrid word we want would be 'bunion'.
7. It wanted to yolkel.
8. When this baby rabbit is an adult, he wants to go join the Hare Force.
9. A practical yolker.
10. No doubt, in his occupation as baker, he has to use a puffy hare-net.
11. It broke down and cracked up.
12. You begin by making the fellow wait two hours.
13. It was a cowardly pantywaist, had a touch of phobia, and was a little chicken.
14. That chap must have been having a bad hare day!
15. He guffawed in awe, "Oh boy, look at what marmalade!"
16. The white bunny wears a sophisticated top hat and stylized waistcoat with buttons and pockets, and to beautify himself, he whisks out a handy hare-brush.
17. Any storybook with a hoppy ending.
18. One befuddled egg yelped in shock, "Owwwwww, it's hot in here!" with the other gasping, "Aarghhhh, a talking egg!"
19. Because then it would be a foot!
20. The noted author Charles Chickens.
21. Anybody know? Wet!
22. Wednesday, a weekday or a weekend day? No...chickens dread Fry-day!
23. They do eggs-ercises!
24. It was bound straight for the Shell station in town.
25. He has an ambitious habit of doing hare-obics.
26. First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
27. He didn't have the exact hare fare.
28. Egg-sactly!
29. Bugs Bunny.
30. An eggs-traterrestrial.

905

[Norman MacCaig's ASSISI and the Saint Francis of Assisi prayer BY YOUR GRACE ALONE is anagrammed into two actual prayers by the saint -- PRAYER OF SAINT FRANCIS and THE PRAYER BEFORE THE CRUCIFIX, an actual quote from Pope Francis and an original prayer (with an acrostic constraint) for the new Pope.]

ASSISI
by Norman MacCaig

The dwarf with his hands on backwards
sat, slumped like a half-filled sack
on tiny twisted legs from which
sawdust might run,
outside the three tiers of churches built
in honour of St Francis, brother
of the poor, talker with birds, over whom
he had the advantage
of not being dead yet.

A priest explained
how clever it was of Giotto
to make his frescoes tell stories
that would reveal to the illiterate the goodness
of God and the suffering
of His Son. I understood
the explanation and
the cleverness.

A rush of tourists, clucking contentedly,
fluttered after him as he scattered
the grain of the Word. It was they who had passed
the ruined temple outside, whose eyes
wept pus, whose back was higher
than his head, whose lopsided mouth
said Grazie in a voice as sweet
as a child's when she speaks to her mother
or a bird's when it spoke
to St Francis.

BY YOUR GRACE ALONE

Almighty, eternal, just, and merciful God,
grant us in our misery
to do for You alone
what we know You want us to do,
and always
to desire what pleases You.
Thus,
inwardly cleansed,
interiorly enlightened,
and inflamed by the fire of the Holy Spirit,
may we be able to follow
in the footprints of Your beloved Son,
our Lord Jesus Christ.
And,
by Your grace alone,
may we make our way to You
Most High,
Who live and rule
in perfect Trinity and simple Unity,
and are glorified
God all-powerful
forever and ever.
Amen

PRAYER OF SAINT FRANCIS

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

THE PRAYER BEFORE THE CRUCIFIX

Most high,
glorious God,
let your light fill the shadows of my heart
and grant me, Lord,
true faith,
certain hope,
perfect love,
awareness and knowing,
that I may fulfill Your holy will.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS, GOOD EVENING

"First of all, I would like to say a prayer for our bishop emeritus, Benedict XVI. Let us all pray together for him, let us all pray together for him so that the Lord my bless him and that the Madonna may protect him."

WE WHO SHUN OLD DAYS OF SAD SHADOWS

Pope Francis, His Holiness
Of the new Hallowed City,
Primate of Italy, watchfully
Educate the wounded woeful to be
Faithful and zealous, wash away dusty shadows of dusk,
Rescue the sad seduced child who asks unknowingly.
Awaken the wasteful wicked; do show us a
New nation we can build on
Christ's body of anguish.
Ignite us, watch us to succeed, be good
Servants of God, Knights of Sodality.