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THE MAN IN THE RED DRAGON SOCKS
Every Friday, me, Alec and Neville
Meet at a café called 'Old Copper Kettle',
Where they serve the best fry-ups with mugs of hot tea,
We've done this for forty-five years, just we three.
We met when we worked at the Highwayman Bank,
Writing figures in ledgers (a job without thanks)
We soon hit it off and remained lifelong pals,
Got married, had families, but stuck to our vow.
We had vowed that each Friday we'd meet for a chat
And a drink and to generally just chew the fat,
And sip some cold ale in an inn called 'The Duck',
(But abandoned that pub when Al's liver cracked up).
So now, in retirement, we meet Friday morn
In that small Cotswolds café in Cob-on-the-Corn.
Where we sit by the window, around the same table,
Trading banter and chat with a waitress named Mabel.
Nowadays, meetings don't go with a zing,
Conversation's run thin, 'cause we've said everything!
And so, to instil the odd note of surprise,
Nev has lately been known to tell porky pies.
This morning, for instance, while munching his toast,
He said, "Guys, you both know that I'm not one to boast,
"But I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned to you
"That I've starred in the odd porno movie or two?"
Now, Nev in the past has told some real whoppers,
But this one was truly his biggest jaw-dropper!
Al choked on his sausage, I spilled my Earl Grey,
And, as one, we both snorted, "You're kidding; no way!"
"Oh, every word's true, guys, I swear on my life,
"This all happened before I met Meg, my late-wife,
"I was good at it, too, a right bedroom fox;
"They called me 'The Man in the Red Dragon Socks'."
"It began when I saw a strange classified ad,
"Saying: 'Want To Do Porn'? in a sleazy man-mag;
"I applied for this very unusual position,
"And next thing I knew I was in an audition!"
"They were simply amazed at my great staying power,
"I could literally grind on for hour after hour!
"But, as you both know, my looks aren't that good
"So they made me do all of my scenes in a hood!"
"Much worse than that was the state of my feet,
"They looked like two pieces of bad, condemned meat;
"The director said, 'Ooh, they're a terrible shock!'
"So the cameraman lent me his red-dragon socks."
"Strangely, he never did ask for them back
"So I wore them in every hot flick after that;
"And all the porn movie fans raved, 'This guy rocks!'
" 'We'll call him The Man in the Red Dragon Socks'."
"Although I performed with a number of dames,
"We didn't speak much and we did not ask names,
"There were Dutch girls and Danish girls, Spanish girls, Scotch...
"And that Florida girl with the Mickey Mouse watch...
"She came from Orlando, a platinum blonde,
"And right from the start we just had this, well... bond.
"It wasn't the sex (though of that we had plenty!)
"I guess it was love, I was in my mid-twenties."
"Together, on screen we just burned up that bed,
"The porno equivalent of Ginger and Fred,
"She wore a cute watch with a Mickey Mouse face,
"She wore nothing else but she did it with... grace."
"And we achieved fame in the world of porn flicks,
"A dynamic duo, a magical mix,
"She was The Girl with the Mickey Mouse Watch,
"And I was The Man in the Red Dragon Socks.
"I was truly in love, though I never did say,
"We just did our scene-shooting and went our own way,
"But one day she just quit, and then it was too late,
"I'd been too shy, too nervous, to ask for a date."
Al and I were spellbound by this bitter-sweet tale,
Was he telling the truth? Ah, well that's hard to tell.
But when he lifted his leg up to show us those socks,
On his shin was a tattoo - a Mickey Mouse watch.
THE GIRL WITH THE MICKEY MOUSE WATCH
Howdy, my name is Ms. Beverley Byfore,
Platinum blonde and a figure to die for;
Well... not any more, but I had in my prime,
And that was... er, how long? A very long time!
I was born in Orlando, Florida State,
My family were poor but the weather was great.
As I grew into teenhood, I wasn't the brightest,
But my breasts were the best and my sweaters the tightest.
That's when I learnt: to manipulate guys
All you need's a low cleavage and cute Bambi eyes.
I used these quite shamelessly, never had doubts,
And willingly went to my first casting couch...
I progressed to posin' for full, nude photography;
From there I went straight onto good ol' pornography.
I wasn't exploited, in fact I was willin';
The money was great and the sex was fulfillin'.
The guys? They meant zilch, neither lovers nor friends,
They were all nothin' more than the means to an end.
But that was to change when true love came to knock
And I starred with a man wearin' red dragon socks...
When Disneyworld opened in 'seventy-one,
I was first through the gates to enjoy all the fun,
And I bought me a souvenir Mickey Mouse watch
In a magical, pink velvet Disneyworld box.
I've worn the same watch every day of my life,
As a mistress, a mother, a widow, a wife;
I wore it in every porn movie I made,
That watch was my trademark when filmed, gettin' laid.
Then the man in the red dragon socks came along,
And I realised makin' porn-movies was wrong;
Until then I'd viewed guys with scorn and rejection,
But I looked at this man with a real, deep affection.
Did he feel the same? Well, I never did know,
We just went through our scenes with the grunts and the groans,
But with him it was different, like it was for real,
Like this was how makin' love truly should feel?
Porn cheapened the sex act and made it a sin,
It changed my whole view of the trade I was in;
I am sure my dragon-sock man felt the same,
But we never discussed it, and that's a darn shame.
It was then I decided my porn days were through,
I'd fallen in love and that just wouldn't do;
In porn there's no love, it's a rule of the game,
But the sad thing? We never asked each others names.
I had to get out and go back to my roots,
(And I don't mean hair-color, although it's the truth!)
So I took off for Florida, followin' day.
I wouldn'ta gone if he'd asked me to stay...
His actions spoke volumes when he rocked the sack,
But, a man of few words was my... Jess? Jake? or Jack?
Two husbands and three kids have since eased the pain,
But I yearn to meet my red-socks Brit guy again.
I know it won't happen, we're both old and grey,
But I'm now on vacation, back in the UK.
So, what are the chances we'll meet? Zero. Nil;
No - not in these sad, green Cotswolds hills.
Today I went on the 'blue-rinsers' coach trip,
With a bunch of old duffers, like me, with
As we passed through a village named Cob-On-The-Corn,
I thought, 'What a blast! This place rhymes with "porn"!'
But then, as we stopped at a red traffic light,
I casually looked at a shop on my right,
'Old Copper Kettle - Café and Tearooms'
Read the sign, though it shoulda read 'God's Waiting Room'!
But as I looked on, I observed to my shock,
In the café, some old guy with... red-dragon socks!
I banged the coach window and brandished my watch!
But the lights turned to green and the coach... just breezed off.
My stressed heart was thumpin', what do I do?
Ask the driver to stop and cause a street queue?
My head said, "Y'old fool, it's not him... ok?"
I said, "Course not," and slept for the rest of the way.