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You may talk o' gin and beer
When you're quartered safe out 'ere,
An' you're sent to penny-fights an' Aldershot it;
But when it comes to slaughter
You will do your work on water,
An' you'll lick the bloomin' boots of 'im that's got it.
Now in Injia's sunny clime,
Where I used to spend my time
A-servin' of 'Er Majesty the Queen,
Of all them blackfaced crew
The finest man I knew
Was our regimental bhisti, Gunga Din.
He was "Din! Din! Din!
"You limpin' lump o' brick-dust, Gunga Din!
"Hi! Slippy hitherao!
"Water, get it! Panee lao
"You squidgy-nosed old idol, Gunga Din."
The uniform 'e wore
Was nothin' much before,
An' rather less than 'arf o' that be'ind,
For a piece o' twisty rag
An' a goatskin water-bag
Was all the field-equipment 'e could find.
When the sweatin' troop-train lay
In a sidin' through the day,
Where the 'eat would make your bloomin' eyebrows crawl,
We shouted " Harry By!"
Till our throats were bricky-dry,
Then we wopped 'im 'cause 'e couldn't serve us all.
It was "Din! Din! Din!
"You 'eathen, where the mischief 'ave you been?
"You put some juldee in it
"Or I'll marrow you this minute
"If you don't fill up my helmet, Gunga Din!"
'E would dot an' carry one
Till the longest day was done;
An' 'e didn't seem to know the use o' fear.
If we charged or broke or cut,
You could bet your bloomin' nut,
'E'd be waitin' fifty paces right flank rear.
With 'is mussick' on 'is back,
'E would skip with our attack,
An' watch us till the bugles made "Retire,"
An' for all 'is dirty 'ide
'E was white, clear white, inside
When 'e went to tend the wounded under fire!
It was "Din! Din! Din!"
With the bullets kickin' dust-spots on the green
When the cartridges ran out,
You could hear the front-ranks shout,
"Hi! ammunition-mules an' Gunga Din!"
I sha'n't forgit the night
When I dropped be'ind the fight
With a bullet where my belt-plate should 'a' been.
I was chokin' mad with thirst,
An' the man that spied me first
Was our good old grinnin', gruntin' Gunga Din.
'E lifted up my 'ead,
An' he plugged me where I bled,
An' 'e guv me 'arf-a-pint o' water green.
It was crawlin' and it stunk,
But of all the drinks I've drunk,
I'm gratefullest to one from Gunga Din.
It was "Din! Din! Din!
"'Ere's a beggar with a bullet through 'is spleen"
"'E's chawin' up the ground,
"An' 'e's kickin' all around:
"For Gawd's sake git the water, Gunga Din!
'E carried me away
To where a dooli lay,
An' a bullet come an' drilled the beggar clean.
'E put me safe inside,
An' just before 'e died,
"I 'ope you liked your drink" sez Gunga Din.
So I'll meet 'im later on
At the place where 'e is gone
Where it's always double drill and no canteen.
'E'll be squattin' on the coals
Givin' drink to poor damned souls,
An' I'll get a swig in hell from Gunga Din!
Yes, Din! Din! Din!
You Lazarushian-leather Gunga Din!
Though I've belted you and flayed you,
By the livin' Gawd that made you,
You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!
THE GUNGA DIN CURRY HOUSE
In a street down Wapping way
There's a greasy spoon cafe
And a shop that smells of cat's pee and pot-pourri,
An' a gaudy bistro bar,
But most popular by far,
Is the one 'n' only Gunga Din Tandoori.
It's the local restaurant
Of the Wapping bon vivants,
And fancy folk who want food 'ot 'n' spicy,
But the biggest Gunga fan
Is me best pal, 'Hungry' Dan,
Who'd eat as much grub there as 'e could cram in.
'E'd tweet: "I love the Din!
"The curry's pukka at the Gunga Din!
"Every meal's a winner,
"It's why I eat me dinner,
"Lunch and brekky right 'ere at the Gunga Din!"
Me, I don't like Indian fare
The curry curls me 'air!
I need cuisine to be a little weaker,
Like bully beef or walnut whips,
An' deep-fried cod 'n' chips,
No, I wouldn't know a tarka from a tikka.
And would you kindly tell me,
Where's the fun in 'Delhi belly'?
And in gobbling muck that turns yer entrails raw?
I got better things to do
Than spend all day in the loo,
I prefer to slit me wrists or go to war!
I truly wouldn't win,
Dinin' at the Gunga Din,
Unlike Dan who, if 'e could, would move right in!
One July, when I went by,
From the corner of me eye,
Through the tinted window of the Gunga Din,
I saw diners eating dishes
That looked downright suspicious,
And a pretty Indian waitress, young and slim,
With shiny, long black 'air,
An' a sari... well I swear,
I fell deep in love with 'er there on the spot!
Me 'eart urged, "Go in and see 'er!"
While me 'ead yelled, "Yes I concur,"
But me stomach begged, "Don't order nothin' hot!"
So I duly blundered in
To the deep recesses of the Gunga Din...
With a smile as bright as sun
She said, "Hi! Table for one?"
I saw Dan and quickly said, "No... I'm with 'im!"
When I went to Hungry Dan,
'E jeered, "Hey; you ain't a fan
Of curry, 'fact you hate it, bro!" 'e grinned.
"Yeah, I know," I said,
"But me 'eart 'as ruled me 'ead,
"And I got the 'ots for that girl in the sari!"
'E laughed, "Well, join the queue!
"Cause it ain't only you;
"I want 'er badly too - 'er name is Kari;
"Aw, I'm nuts about 'er, man,
"I'm 'er numero uno fan;
"Why'd you think I bleedin eat 'ere every day!"
I grunted, "Well, I'm 'ere
"So I gotta buy a beer."
Then I quizzed 'im on what 'e thought I could eat.
"Well," 'e grinned, "don't worry,
"I know a mild but truly unique curry;
"You must try a vindaloo,
"The mutton one'll do,
"Kari's coming, make yer mind up - go on, 'urry!"
Well, the food resembled gruel
With a touch o' nuclear fuel,
But it tasted what uranium would taste like,
I gurgled, glugged and coughed
While Dan laughed 'is 'ead off.
Me windpipe felt like it was set alight,
Me nose was runnin', weepin'
Dan was laughing, leapin',
'E said, "I ain't 'ad so much fun in just one night.
And there was I, poor soul,
Belly filled with red-'ot coals,
And the bleedin' diners laughin' at me plight
But Kari saw me strife
And gi' me the kiss of life,
Double-quick; whew! Made me high! I turned to goo.
And I'll tell you what ensued:
The best man won... now Kari is me wife!