901

[The original is a silver prize-winning entry in a national 500-word story competition by a seven year-old friend of the anagram composer. The original story is called 'No Ideas George' and the anagram explores a theme towards the end of the story and is about a Sunflower called Jeffrey! The added constraint is that the anagram is also exactly 500 words long.]

George was really puzzled. He had no ideas at all for his 500 Words entry. He really wanted to enter but could not come up with a single idea. He thought, and thought, and thought some more - but still nothing.

He decided to go for a walk to get some inspiration. It was a cold but bright day and the sky was clear blue. As George reached the park he heard the trees rustling in the breeze. Or was that the breeze? Maybe there was something in the bushes. George bent down to look but he couldn't see anything. George got up and carried on his walk, not noticing the tiger that tip-toed out of the bushes behind him.

George reached the chip shop and realised he was hungry, so he popped in. There was already an old lady being served. She was very overdressed to be in a chip shop, George thought - she was even wearing a crown! And she'd brought her dogs with her, little yappy dogs that sniffed around George's ankles. It was very odd. The old lady was taking ages and, strangely, the woman serving her seemed to be bowing. George got fed up of waiting and decided to go somewhere else, not noticing the two bodyguards outside the chip shop door.

Actually, when George checked his pockets he realised he was a bit low on cash, so he went to the bank. There was a big queue, although no-one seemed to be actually doing anything, just standing around with their hands up. There were two guys in black in the corner, with masks and pretend guns. "Must be 'Dress as a Robber Day' for Sport Relief", thought George, and decided to leave.

As George only had 50p, he thought he'd go to the corner shop and buy some sweets. He looked around the shop at the delicious chocolate bars, chews and lollies. He finally chose a chocolate bar, paid the miserable-looking shopkeeper, and left the shop. He sat on a wall outside the shop and unwrapped his chocolate. As he did, a piece of shiny, golden paper fell out from underneath the normal wrapping. "That's weird", thought George, and shoved the paper in his pocket, thinking he would use it for craft at home.

By now, George had had enough. He'd walked all over town and still had no ideas. How was he supposed to come up with an imaginative story when he lived in a boring place where nothing ever happened? It was useless. George trudged home, still without any ideas, munching sadly on his chocolate bar. He noticed a police car outside the bank as he passed. "They'll have a long wait when it's so busy", George thought.

He got home and got out his computer to type his story. He'd have to do something, even if it was boring. So he wrote a story about a sunflower called Jeffrey. It was dull but what else could he possibly have written about?!

In a weed free veg patch behind Peggy Duchess' cottage, stood a garden cane. Each year on her birthday, March twenty-fourth, when the rich, dark, wet earth was getting warm, Peggy and her pet dog 50cent, who loved rap music, would go out and sow a seed. The cane was there to support the glorious plant as it made its way skywards.

Peggy Duchess was not a religious lady, but had read the bible as a wee child; she also had a degree in biology.

Genesis, the first book in the Old Testament, was where it all began. The date had a special resonance; according to the biblical Creation story, God had made plants on the Third Day and she had been born on the third day of Spring all those years ago.
Peggy loved the science of Biogenesis - the process by which one living thing begets another. She had been doing this now for thirty-five years and probably the best bit for her was to use a seed from last year's and so bring into being a brand new tiny green shoot.

Like a natural phenomenon, awesome as a typhoon, Peggy reckoned her monument to the sun, which so dazzled crowds of garden onlookers, deserved its very own name and had taken to calling each new plant after someone important to her, starting with a new letter of the alphabet each time. The previous one had been called Icarus after the mythical Greek boy who had perished soaring too close to the sun. Icarus had been super impressive and had done his namesake proud, reaching up to the brilliant orb that gives all living things life.

It always seemed appropriate to let the baby plant take root and get established prior to issuing the new Helianthus annuus a name. This was her second time round the alphabet. The last girl, Zoe, had been a decade ago; a good looking girl, huge at eighteen metres but what she needed now was a proud new boy's name. The tenth letter. She had got no thoughts. Whenever Peg needed help she sought out books. The unusual collection she held included Greek classics, highbrow philosophy, PG Wodehouse - the whole lot.

Two hours' looking through shelves she put her soily hand on The First Miracle by Lord Archer, the book in the Duchess house she'd put up with, then grown to love despite the odd author's poor rep due to lies he had told.

Jeffrey? - Quirky, yet cute. Peg looked down to her dog, who wagged his approval.
'Good enough, I guess. High time we had tea', she said out loud. He wagged his tail again.

Too hot to go out, they waited an hour to 5:00, to the cool of dusk. Peg dug a hole to sow the gold nugget.

Jeffrey would grow but how high? Would he wow? Would he edge the garden show silver prize? Peg, the sunshine girl was due a gold. With good luck she'd succeed.

902

A man strolls out into the street and hails a taxi that is just passing by. He gets into the taxi, and the driver says, "Ah, perfect timing! You're just like Todd Richardson."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Todd Richardson ... he's this guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along right when you needed a taxi; things happened like that to Todd every single time."

Passenger: "Oh, I dunno, there's always the odd rain cloud over everybody."

Cabbie: "Oh no, not our Todd. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis, and he could hold his own at golf with the pros. He sang like an operatic tenor and danced like a Broadway star. And, oh, you shoulda heard that guy play the piano! He was amazing."

Passenger: "Yes, it sounds as if he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh, yes. And there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's address and birthday. He knew all about fine wines, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could repair anything. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street is blacked out. But Todd, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy, huh?"

Cabbie: "And that's not all. He always knew the quickest routes to go in traffic in order to miss the traffic jams. Not me, I always seem to get caught in them. But Todd didn't make mistakes. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He wouldn't argue with her, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, the lot. He was truly the perfect man! I never knew him to make a single error. No one could measure up to Todd."

Passenger: "Ah, he's truly an amazing man. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Todd. He died, and I married his bloody wife!"

Jeb Beaver, an eighty-year-old rancher from South Dakota goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape Jeb's in and asks, "Exactly how do you keep in such excellent physical condition, Mr Beaver?"

"Well, I am from South Dakota and in my spare time I like hunting and fishing," says Jeb. "That's why I'm in such excellent shape, I believe. Heck, I'm up well before dawn riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a dram of whiskey and all's well."

"Ok," says the doctor, "Well I am sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said my pa's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you are eighty years old and your father's still alive? How old is the gentleman?"

"Kev Beaver's a hundred years old," replies the old cowboy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and we had a few beers. He's a South Dakota rancher and he likes to hunt and fish as well. I presume that's why he's still alive."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's remarkable I agree, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. What about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"

Taken aback, the medic asks, "You mean to tell me you are eighty years old and your grandfather's still alive?"

"Yep, Abe Beaver's a hundred and eighteen years old," chuckles the man.

The doctor is getting a bit piqued at this point, "Yeah right, so I suppose Abe went hunting with you this morning as well, did he?"

"No, Grandpa could not come this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor's close to losing it. "Getting married? Good God, why would a hundred and eighteen-year-old man want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to...?"

903

42 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN

1. Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.

2. You know stuff about combat tanks.

3. You only need one suitcase for a five day vacation.

4. You do not have to protectively monitor your pals' sex lives.

5. Can manage to open all your own jars.

6. All your orgasms are real.

7. You believe flowers and jewelry fix everything .

8. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

9. You can leave hotel beds unmade.

10. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

11. Able to kill your own food.

12. The garage is all yours.

13. You get credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

14. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

15. You can be showered, shampooed and ready to go in approximately ten minutes.

16. The housework and wedding plans take care of themselves.

17. If you're forty and single, nobody even notices.

18. You can intuitively write your name in the snow.

19. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

20. When channel surfing, you don't stop at every bloody shot of somebody crying.

21. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

22. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

23. You never feel a need to stop a pal from getting laid.

24. Car mechanics and storekeepers tell you the truth.

25. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone appreciates your new haircut.

26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

27. You're not suspicious that offhand statements mean your lover's about to leave you.

28. One mood, all the time.

29. You do not have to clean your apartment if the housemaid is coming.

30. You never drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too dirty."

31. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

32. You purposely retain water… in a canteen.

33. The remote control is indeed yours and yours alone.

34. You can rationalize any behavior with the phrase, "Screw it."

35. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

36. You aren't supposed to remember everyone's birthday.

37. The world is your urinal.

38. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

39. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

40. You're not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

41. You don't have to stop to think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

42. There s always a game on somewhere.

42 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A WOMAN

1. Every guy who ever dumped you will die first.

2. You do not sense a constant challenge to save the universe.

3. No performance anxiety ... ever.

4. No suits in summer.

5. Tank tops are fine to wear in restaurants.

6. He will NEVER know how many times you faked it.

7. Friend's won't say you have an inflated ego if you drive a sports car.

8. No one will ask you, "So, who's gonna win the championship then?"

9. The PMS Defense.

10. You don't need to get your face pummeled to impress friends.

11. You never hear, "It's all right, dear, really… it happens to everyone."

12. A swim in the ocean makes your interesting parts expand, not shrivel.

13. You always have food in the fridge.

14. You always get to choose the movie.

15. You are not having to constantly adjust your genitals.

16. Menopause - no worrying you'll have children after you're fifty.

17. Short women are referred to as 'cute' whereas short men are just... short.

18. What's a speeding ticket?

19. If you are a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.

20. If you have to be home in time for Downton Abbey, you can say so.

21. You don't have to fart in church to amuse yourself.

22. Don't have to dump the person you're dating if he's better at something than you are.

23. Don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

24. Don't have to pretend to like cigars.

25. Don't need a fancy car to get laid easily.

26. Don't have to worry about pissing on your shoes.

27. Don't have to drive to Hell and back before asking for directions.

28. You can fully assess someone just by seeing their shoes.

29. You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.

30. You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer.

31. You can go for a drive without trying to beat your best time.

32. You know who your children are without a DNA test.

33. You are capable of watching one TV channel at a time.

34. Friends won't try to get you a tattoo while drunk.

35. You are rarely compelled to scream at the TV.

36. Reading the manual isn't a betrayal of all your species stands for.

37. You get couches in your public restrooms.

38. Sometimes, chocolate really can solve all problems.

39. You are allowed to appreciate Leonardo DiCaprio.

40. If you are under six feet tall, you don't have to lie about it.

41. You hit your sexual peak in your thirties…not on prom night.

42. There's always a sale on somewhere.

904

There was a young female named Hollis
Who used monkeys and snakes for some solace;
All her children had scales
And prehensile tails
And voted for Governor Wallace.

A big 'teaser', in spite of all rumours,
Would only have sex in her bloomers;
Till a rigger named Bussett
Drilled right through her gusset
And tapped her for future consumers.

There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born.
He wouldn't have been
If his pa had but seen
That the end of that letter was torn!

There once was a monk from Camyre
Who was grabbed by a carnal desire.
And its singular cause
Was the abbess' drawers
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.

There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose parents both thought that they'd lost her,
Till they saw in the grass
The print of her arse
And the knees of the bugger who'd crossed her!

A man with venereal fear,
Had intercourse in his wife's ear.
She said, "I don't really mind
Except that I find,
When the telephone rings I don't hear."

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Contentedly patting his madam
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that on Earth
There were only two balls and he had 'em!

A honeymoon pair from Nantucket
Went to bed and oh boy did they ruck it;
Next morning said he,
"Do you feel like some tea?"
"No, I feel like a billposter's bucket!"

Henry Skinner, when out on a spree,
Screwed a frisky baboon in a tree;
The result sure was horrid,
Huge arse and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.

A funny old creature's the gerbil,
Its diet's excessively herbal;
It munches all day
On sacks of fresh hay,
And farts with an elegant burble.

There was a keen girl from Uttoxeter,
Who worked as a nine-to-five choc-setter;
She rolled her chocs thin
With a wee rolling-pin,
So they'd fit in the After Eight box better.

When Daddy and Mummy got plastered,
And their shame'd been finally mastered,
They told their son Harry:
"See, we never did marry,
But don't tell the neighbors, you bastard."

There was a young lady named Podd,
Who thought her new son came from God;
'Twas not the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the lodger, the sod!

There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse-cheeks like dahlias;
The planning was fine,
The paintwork - divine;
But the smell was a terrible failure!

There was a young freshman named Lancelot
Whom his near-neighbours looked on askance a lot;
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

There was an old maid of Duluth
Who cried when she thought of her youth;
Remembering chances
She'd missed at prom dances,
And once in a telephone booth.

END

905

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody is searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

Can't believe these yahoos are the future
Oh, bloody hell, we have to get away
I know they'll keep doing things I can't describe
They are so dense that I think it easier
Each and every day, oh my, to point out stupidity

All my life I'm out finding odder weirdos
Defective ones we'll never look up to
Afraid of where this trend all may lead
A scary thing to see
Hoping they all don't out live me

I've derived long ago we have to keep all level control
And I have failed, you each will see
At least it is what I believe
They'll get no praise from me
Because I feel conceived stupidity

Because the lamest ones of all
Are easier to see
I see the lamest ones of all
In front of me
The lamest ones of all
Are here surrounding me
Having to see them all
Is the lamest gift of all

Can't believe these yahoos are the future
Beat 'em well until they flee away
I know they'll keep doing things I can't describe
They are so dense that I think it easier
Each and every day, oh my, to point out
stupidity

I've derived long ago we have to keep all level control
Although we've failed, please don't concede
Because of vast stupidity
They'll get no needed praise off me
For wobbling vegetatively

Because the lamest ones of all
They're easier to see
I see the lamest ones of all
In front of me
The lamest ones of all
Are here surrounding me
Having to see them all
Is the lamest gift of all

And if my stances, you do embrace
And agree with what I've seen
Stupid gaffes you can't erase
Medicate with rum

906

[William Henry Davies' poem about June is anagrammed into a poem dedicated to World Cup fans with 2 constraints: it contains a relevant acrostic down its left side, and it's shaped like a ball when centered]