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Murphy and Paddy were drinking in their local pub.
"Something really strange happened to me last noight," said Murphy, "I shat a phantom turd."
"Begorrah, did ya?" asked Paddy. "Er... what's a phantom turd?"
"Well," said Murphy, "it's like when ya have a shite, then stand up and look down the pan afterwards and find it's disappeared!"
"Whew! To be sure, oi did one of those meself," said Paddy.
"Did ya honestly, Paddy?" exclaimed Murphy.
"Yes, oi was walkin' back from da pub last noight and I needed to take a shite. There were no public toilets around so oi climbed over a fence and squatted on somebody's lawn. But when I'd finished, oi looked down and there was no sign of it, so there wasn't!"
"Baloney! I don't believe a word," said Murphy, "you probably just couldn't see it in da darkness."
"No, honest, it really disappeared, come and look for yourself if ya don't believe me."
"Well, I think oi will," said Murphy, so together they marched out of the pub and Paddy led the way to the house. When they arrived, Paddy said, "Ok Murphy, dis is where oi did it, right on da lawn there!" With that, they climbed over the fence and started searching in the grass for the phantom faeces.
While they were searching, the front door of the house opened and a woman called out, "Oi! What are youse two doing in me garden?"
"Sorry, missus," said Paddy, "I'm lookin' for me dog, he's escaped off the lead."
"Right, dat's ok den," said the woman, "only oi thought ye moight be da bastards that shat on me tortoise last noight!"
And some more...
Paddy saw a letter lying on his doormat. On the envelope it read "DO NOT BEND".
He spent the next two hours trying to work out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouted frantically into the telephone "Me woife is pregnant and da contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" enquired the Doctor.
"No," shouted Paddy, "Dis is her husband!"
Irish farmer Tommy's sheepdog went missing and he was inconsolable. His wife said to him: "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper, Tommy?"
He did so immediately, but two weeks later the dog was still on the loose. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asked.
"Here boy," replied Tommy.
Paddy was in jail. One day, the guard looked in the cell and saw him hanging by his feet. "Hey! What are you doing?" he asked.
"Oi'm hangin' meself," Paddy replied.
"The rope should be around your neck, man!" said the guard.
"Yeah, oi know dat," said Paddy "but oi couldn't breathe."
Aha! One answer I can understand!:
The American tourist asked the Irishman: "Gee, Paddy, why do Scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat?"
Paddy replied: They have ta go backwards. If they fell forward, they'd still be in da boat."
Paddy rang his girlfriend's doorbell with a bunch of flowers. She opened the door, took one look at them and immediately dragged him in. Then she lay on the sofa, pulled her dress up, took her panties down and said, 'This is for da flowers!'
'Don't be daft,' said Paddy, 'You gotta have a vase somewhere in da house!'