901

The Georges
by Walter Savage Landor

George the First was always reckoned
Vile, but viler George the Second;
And what mortal ever heard
Any good of George the Third?
When from earth the Fourth descended
(God be praised!) the Georges ended.

By George
Elder George H. W. was rich but not effective;
Hotheaded George W. seems more aggressive.
He started a prolonged war; he declared it won.
Thank God he never had a son!
Sorry, for the devoted father
(and lady) got belligerent daughters.

902

Murphy and Paddy were drinking in their local pub.

"Something really strange happened to me last noight," said Murphy, "I shat a phantom turd."

"Begorrah, did ya?" asked Paddy. "Er... what's a phantom turd?"

"Well," said Murphy, "it's like when ya have a shite, then stand up and look down the pan afterwards and find it's disappeared!"

"Whew! To be sure, oi did one of those meself," said Paddy.

"Did ya honestly, Paddy?" exclaimed Murphy.

"Yes, oi was walkin' back from da pub last noight and I needed to take a shite. There were no public toilets around so oi climbed over a fence and squatted on somebody's lawn. But when I'd finished, oi looked down and there was no sign of it, so there wasn't!"

"Baloney! I don't believe a word," said Murphy, "you probably just couldn't see it in da darkness."

"No, honest, it really disappeared, come and look for yourself if ya don't believe me."

"Well, I think oi will," said Murphy, so together they marched out of the pub and Paddy led the way to the house. When they arrived, Paddy said, "Ok Murphy, dis is where oi did it, right on da lawn there!" With that, they climbed over the fence and started searching in the grass for the phantom faeces.

While they were searching, the front door of the house opened and a woman called out, "Oi! What are youse two doing in me garden?"

"Sorry, missus," said Paddy, "I'm lookin' for me dog, he's escaped off the lead."

"Right, dat's ok den," said the woman, "only oi thought ye moight be da bastards that shat on me tortoise last noight!"

And some more...

Paddy saw a letter lying on his doormat. On the envelope it read "DO NOT BEND".
He spent the next two hours trying to work out how to pick it up.
*

Paddy shouted frantically into the telephone "Me woife is pregnant and da contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" enquired the Doctor.
"No," shouted Paddy, "Dis is her husband!"
*

Irish farmer Tommy's sheepdog went missing and he was inconsolable. His wife said to him: "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper, Tommy?"
He did so immediately, but two weeks later the dog was still on the loose. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asked.
"Here boy," replied Tommy.
*

Paddy was in jail. One day, the guard looked in the cell and saw him hanging by his feet. "Hey! What are you doing?" he asked.
"Oi'm hangin' meself," Paddy replied.
"The rope should be around your neck, man!" said the guard.
"Yeah, oi know dat," said Paddy "but oi couldn't breathe."
*

Aha! One answer I can understand!:
The American tourist asked the Irishman: "Gee, Paddy, why do Scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat?"
Paddy replied: They have ta go backwards. If they fell forward, they'd still be in da boat."
*

Paddy rang his girlfriend's doorbell with a bunch of flowers. She opened the door, took one look at them and immediately dragged him in. Then she lay on the sofa, pulled her dress up, took her panties down and said, 'This is for da flowers!'
'Don't be daft,' said Paddy, 'You gotta have a vase somewhere in da house!'
*

903

The White House
Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release

Statement by the President on the Death of Abdul-Rahman Kassig

Today we offer our prayers and condolences to the parents and family of Abdul-Rahman Kassig, also known to us as Peter. We cannot begin to imagine their anguish at this painful time.

Abdul-Rahman was taken from us in an act of pure evil by a terrorist group that the world rightly associates with inhumanity. Like Jim Foley and Steven Sotloff before him, his life and deeds stand in stark contrast to everything that ISIL represents. While ISIL revels in the slaughter of innocents, including Muslims, and is bent only on sowing death and destruction, Abdul-Rahman was a humanitarian who worked to save the lives of Syrians injured and dispossessed by the Syrian conflict. While ISIL exploits the tragedy in Syria to advance their own selfish aims, Abdul-Rahman was so moved by the anguish and suffering of Syrian civilians that he traveled to Lebanon to work in a hospital treating refugees. Later, he established an aid group, SERA, to provide assistance to Syrian refugees and displaced persons in Lebanon and Syria. These were the selfless acts of an individual who cared deeply about the plight of the Syrian people.

ISIL's actions represent no faith, least of all the Muslim faith which Abdul-Rahman adopted as his own. Today we grieve together, yet we also recall that the indomitable spirit of goodness and perseverance that burned so brightly in Abdul-Rahman Kassig, and which binds humanity together, ultimately is the light that will prevail over the darkness of ISIL.

USA'S FORTHRIGHT STRINGENT WARNING TO ANTICHRISTIANS

An indignant, jingoistic Barack Obama said yesterday to favorable applause that the evil Islamic State will get its comeuppance in return for its cowardly kidnappings, barbaric assassinations and other appalling deeds of disgusting bloodthirstiness.

"Firstly, I cannot forgive insidious assassinations and savageness like the things done to Abdul-Rahman Kassig.

So now, let us pray.

The well-known Psalm of David states:

'The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.'

Justice will be done. By God, I promise you on behalf of the US Army, Navy and Air Force, I shall untiringly attack and annihilate all identified gangs of Arab activist youths, pagan adversaries and antichristian dissidents who dare to threaten the lives of innocent, peaceful and unarmed US persons everywhere.

Now, let's investigate, find, hunt, stab and destroy those barbarian bastards. As the exhibitionistic barbarian killers are infatuated with barehanded decapitations, they deserve to die in suffering as per usual Sharia Law principles. Screw them!"

904

ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL

We don't need no education.
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teachers, leave them kids alone!
Hey, teachers, leave the kids alone!
All in all you're just another brick in the wall;
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THE WALL

He don't need your hijacked nation.
He don't need the thrones you stole.
No mammoth true incarceration.
Ruskie, leave Berlin alone!
Hey, Ruskie, Berlin's on its own!
All in all the head hurts to cancel a call;
All in all the jerk's task is to crack down the wall.

907

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING
By
Nancy Sinatra

You keep saying you've got something for me.
Something you call love, but confess,
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
And now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'
And you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
And you keep thinkin' that you'll never get burnt. Ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
And what he knows you ain't had time to learn.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!

A BOOTY'S MADE FOR FLAUNTIN'
(An elegy on Kim Kardashian's no-nonsense rear)
By
Anon

Hey there Kim, you've really shown it to us!
One kinky sight that you thought we'd enjoy,
You bared your naked bum to all the readers
Of 'PAPER', but was it the real McCoy?

A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
Now all the world has seen who's really got the hugest buns!

You revealed it in its cheeky glory,
With glass of bubbly restin' on the top,
It's one eerie stunt you like performin', ooh!
So 'bottoms up' and make that cork go pop!

A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
Now all the world has seen who's really got the hugest buns!

You have so much baggage, you've been known as,
A weekend beauty with a weakened brain, ooh!
It seems now all that baggage is behind you, yeah
Yet... sexy? Oh no, we think you're insane!

A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
Now all the world has seen you've really got the hugest buns!

Okay, loosen the negligee, sneak open a wine - let me see that booty again!

906

To Germany [WWI poem]

You are blind like us. Your hurt no man designed,
And no man claimed the conquest of your land.
But gropers both through fields of thought confined
We stumble and we do not understand.
You only saw your future bigly planned,
And we, the tapering paths of our own mind,
And in each other's dearest ways we stand,
And hiss and hate. And the blind fight the blind.

When it is peace, then we may view again
With new-won eyes each other's truer form
And wonder. Grown more loving-kind and warm
We'll grasp firm hands and laugh at the old pain,
When it is peace. But until peace, the storm
The darkness and the thunder and the rain.

[The constraint: Highlighting the word WE (symbolizing the unification of W. Berlin and E. Berlin) reveals one of the tools used to break that wall - a hammer:]

Building Friendship And Harmony

Our cultured human minds must understand
That those that need no help stay quite impeded,
And sometimes, we could need an aiding hand -
Yes, even if we swear that hand's unneeded.
The things we borrowed may be ours for good
And what we know we'd gained is bound to stay -
Though we all owe a debt of gratitude,
And when we owe, we strictly must repay.
Therefore, we help weak brethren left behind,
Then ascertain our power's up and running,
For only those that showed an open mind
Can gain a thrilling bond so great and stunning:
Our thriving, happy harmony for all...
If only human minds can crack that wall.