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YOU ARE OLD FATHER WILLIAM
by Lewis Carroll
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head -
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -
Pray, what is the reason for that?"
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his gray locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box -
Allow me to sell you a couple?"
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak-
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw
Has lasted the rest of my life."
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -
What made you so awfully clever?"
"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father; "don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down-stairs!"
YOU'RE A FATHER, YOUNG WILLIAM
Ode On A Hypothetical Royal Chat
"You're a father, young William," Her Majesty said,
"And the fifth Duke of Cambridge as well;
Though I see that you're losing the hair on your head,
You've at least sired a boy and a gel.
"Your high place is assured as a king, it is true
And that Kate was a fine gel to marry,
So now that the future is settled for you,
Would you please have a chat with young Harry?
"Like Diana, he's feisty, he has no respect,
(Oh, your mother was toxic, I knew it),
And that gingery mane on his head, I detect
Contains hues of the loathsome James Hewitt!
"I am not being huffy, we royals have flaws,
I've a notion your daddy's no monk,
Look, your grandpa's a playboy, yet he's ninety-four,
(But, you see, he's invariably drunk!)
"Now, young Harry, I think, is cast in the same mould,
Yet he is oddly unsuited to love,
Cressida, Chelsey, they both left me cold,
But, you see, they have no royal blood!
"Though it pains one to say it, the boy is a brat,
He is awfully quick to offend,
And his pants will come orf at the drop of a hat,
Heaven only knows where it will end.
"As a senior sibling, your duty's defined,
You must issue a royal decree:
Say you're jolly annoyed that he won't toe the line,
Would you do that one favour for me?"
"You are old, my dear grandmama," William sighed,
"And somewhat outdated and prim;
I won't lecture Harry - it's not that I'm shy,
But the truth is... I wish I was him!"