901

This is one of the greatest stories of personal sacrifice ever told, it will bring a tear to your eyes. Only in America can a person be as great as they aspire to be...

Because of his extreme stupidity, none of Tyrone's classmates liked him, particularly his vexed teacher, who was forever yelling at him, "Tyrone Waite, you are driving me mad!"

One day Tyrone's mum turned up at the school to see how he was doing.

The female teacher said: "To be brutally honest Mrs Waite, your son is an absolute failure; he is always getting very low marks, in fact, I have never seen such a stupid boy in my entire teaching career.

Tyrone's mum was so hurt by this feedback that she removed her boy from school and moved out of Detroit to Cleveland.

27 years later, the teacher, now aged 50, was diagnosed with a virtually incurable heart defect. All the doctors advised her to have heart surgery, but only one surgeon at the hospital was able to perform it. Left with no other alternative, the woman decided to have the operation, which was indeed a successful one.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to say thank you, but was unable to talk. Suddenly, her face started to turn blue; she raised her hand, trying to tell him something... but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked and baffled, wondering what had gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw Tyrone, a janitor at the hospital, who had unplugged the life-support machine in order to plug in his hoover.

Oh, don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon! Really?

An elderly couple were having dinner one night when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand and said, "Martha, we've been happily married for a good 50 years, and there's something I've got to know. In all of that time, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha stopped eating for a moment, then she replied, "Well, Charles, I've got to be honest with you. Yes," she said, "I've been unfaithful to you three times over those years, but it was always for the right reasons."

Charles was terribly shocked by his wife's confession. "No!" he gasped, "I never suspected a single thing. Can you tell me just what you mean by 'the right reasons'?"

Martha said, "Well, the first time was shortly after we married and they were about to repossess our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage arrears. Do you recall that one night I went to see the banker and the next day he told you that the mortgage would be extended?"

Charles recalled that visit and shrugged, "I don't strictly approve but can understand that one transgression. You saved our home, Martha; but how about the second occasion?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were sick and we didn't have any money to pay for the cardiac surgery that you required? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he carried out the operation for nothing."

"Yes, Martha, I recall that," said Charles. "I was sick and helpless and you did this to save my life, so I can forgive that transgression. Now tell me about the third time."

"Well Charles, do you recall when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 72 more votes…?"

902

THE SOUND OF MUSIC
By
Rodgers and Hammerstein

Intro:
My day in the hills has come to an end,
I know.
The stars have come out
To tell me it's time to go.
But deep in their dark green shadows
are voices that urge me to stay.
So I pause, and I wait, and I listen.
For one more sound
For one more lovely thing
That the hills might say.
***

The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears

My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds that rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
from a church on a breeze
To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over stones on its way
To sing through the night like a lark who is learning to pray

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before
My heart will be blessed with the sound of music
And I'll sing once more

MY MONTHLY SORROWS
Sidney 'Skint' Harris
(Sung from a remote hill)

Intro:
My wages hit my account on the fourth of May,
The week has flown by
And I've blown it all away;
But here in my mind's recesses
I know there is far worse in store,
So I wait, yes I wait for those worse things,
And then one day,
And then one awful day
They come through my door...
***

The bills have arrived, crashing on my doormat,
Each one is a knife that strikes through my heart,
The bills have arrived and I'm so, so poor that
The sight of them hits like a poison dart.

There is the heating, lighting, the house-insurance, the telephone rental too,
There is Mastercard, Visa, my golf-club sub,
And the mortgage is due.
There's various miscellaneous things that I'm sure to forget,
What am I to do, when I know that those bills won't be met?

I'll go to the hill with the highest outlook,
And lurk in a cave where I'll spend my life,
I'll gaze at the sea with some skittish seagulls,
And I'll feel no strife.

903

"Farewell the neighing steed, and the shrill trump,
The spirit-stirring drum, the ear-piercing fife,
The royal banner, and all quality,
Pride, pomp and circumstance of glorious war!"

Sir Trump, unflinching grump, dirty player, champ at deflecting;
No regret with a mean insult said.
In horror, bewildered people are reflecting:
Is that a flat squirrel on his head?

904

LINES TO BE EMBROIDERED ON A BIB OR THE CHILD IS FATHER OF THE MAN, BUT NOT FOR QUITE A WHILE
by Ogden Nash

So Thomas Edison
Never drank his medicine;
So Blackstone and Hoyle
Refused cod-liver oil;
So Sir Thomas Malory
Never heard of a calory;
So the Earl of Lennox
Murdered Rizzio without the aid of vitamins or calisthenox;
So Socrates and Plato
Ate dessert without finishing their potato;
So spinach was too spinachy
For Leonardo da Vinaci;
Well, it's all immaterial,
So eat your nice cereal,
And if you want to name your ration,
First go get a reputation.

LINES TO BE PRINTED ON A BOX OR THIS STUFF IS A PAIN IN THE GUT, AND IT'S BEEN QUITE A WHILE

Fed a million on Ronald's
All-fat at a McDonald's;
Satisfy Lothario in a Domino's,
Try a real hot trio Maria chose;
Favor rich calories at oilier Wendy's,
Onion rings, ham or cheese;
Obtain the omnivore Timothy's Pizza Hut;
Do him or her a Red Velvet Dunkin' Donut;
It's Colonel Sanders' NOT cholesterol-free,
Swallow carrion at KFC;
Dine over at a homier Subway,
Eat a worthier hero buffet?
As Mom suspected
Death horrific is soon expected!
Let's say 'Goodbye'...
You, too, are gonna die!

905

Five little pumpkins
Sitting on a gate --
The first one said,
"Oh, my, it's getting late."
The second one said,
"There are witches in the air!"
The third one said,
"But we don't care!"
The fourth one said,
"Let's run and run and run!"
The fifth one said,
"I'm ready for some fun!"
OOOH went the wind
And OUT went the light,
And the five little pumpkins
Rolled out of sight.

Five running Democrats
Pitted in debate --
The first one said,
With her furtive lips, "I'm great!"
The second one said,
"Let us soak the millionaires!"
The third one said,
"The time! It's not fair!"
The fourth one used
An idiot's tone;
The fifth one was
A dull unknown.
YAY went the Left
And UGH went the Right,
And the top running Democrat
Polled out of sight.