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A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plonked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister Cecily?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought it was today you saw your family.
"It was," sighed the nun. "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall you once telling me of that," the Mother Superior agreed . "So, did you not enjoy your day of recreation?"
"Enjoy it? Far from it," groaned the nun. "In fact, I actually took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"My goodness, Sister Cecily!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...believe me this hole is a monster, Mother, no joke. A 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life.
"The sweetest swing I've ever made... it was zooming straight, high and clean along the line I wanted... and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not a 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh dear!" commiserated the Mother. "How annoying! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme!"
"No, that wasn't it," agreed the nun. "While I was trying to fathom what had happened, a cheeky squirrel came out of the woods, grabbed my ball and took off down the fairway!"
"Ooh my, I imagine that would make anyone blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.
"I agree but, again, I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the nun. "I was so proud of myself!
"While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew away with my ball clutched between the animal's paws!"
"Oh, I see - that is when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"No, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, "....as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel began struggling, and the hawk dropped it right on the green.
"The ball came flying out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the nun with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
Two old friends, Stewart and Bill, were about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Hey, do you mind if I play with you?" he enquired, "my partner didn't turn up."
"No problem," they said, "you’d be very welcome."
"Thanks," replied the stranger, "my name's Wes by the way."
So they started playing and the two old friends quite enjoyed the game and the shared company of their newcomer.
About half-way round the course, at the 10th hole, Bill asked the stranger: "So, what do you do for a living, Wes?"
"I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"What? You're kidding!” they both responded.
"No, I'm not kidding," said the man, delving into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini 450/580 sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are the tools of my trade."
"Wow, that's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said Stewart, "D'you mind if I take a quick look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
The newcomer agreed, so Stewart picked up Wes's rifle and gazed through the sight in the direction of his property.
"Yes, I can see my house all right. Wow, this magnification's quite amazing, I can see right in through the window. Ha! I can even see my wife Barbara in the bedroom!
"Whoa, and she's naked...! Huh...? wait a darned minute, that's my neighbour Walter Hewitt with her... and he's mother-naked as well! The two-timing bastards!"
Stewart turned to the hit man and muttered in a low voice. “Right, how much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate for you - a thousand dollars for every time I pull that trigger," replied Wes.
"Can you do two for me now?"
“Sure," he said, "what do you want?”
"Right - first, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Next, that darned neighbour. Walt's supposed to be a friend of mine, so shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man nodded, then took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Well? Are you gonna do it then?" asked Stewart impatiently.
"Just be patient my friend," said Wes calmly... I think I may just be able to save you a grand here..."