The Special Category

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"Wasn't Expecting That" by Jamie Lawson

It was only a smile
But my heart it went wild
I wasn't expecting that
Just a delicate kiss
Anyone could've missed
I wasn't expecting that

Did I misread the sign?
Your hand slipped into mine
I wasn't expecting that
You spent the night in my bed
You woke up and you said
"Well, I wasn't expecting that!"

I thought love wasn't meant to last
I thought you were just passing through
If I ever get the nerve to ask
What did I get right to deserve somebody like you?
I wasn't expecting that

It was only a word
It was almost misheard
I wasn't expecting that
But it came without fear
A month turned into a year
I wasn't expecting that

I thought love wasn't meant to last
Honey, I thought you were just passing through
If I ever get the nerve to ask
What did I get right to deserve somebody like you?
I wasn't expecting that

Oh and isn't it strange
How a life can be changed
In the flicker of the sweetest smile
We were married in spring
You know I wouldn't change a thing
Without that innocent kiss
What a life I'd have missed

If you'd not took a chance
On a little romance
When I wasn't expecting that
Time doesn't take long
Three kids up and gone
I wasn't expecting that

When the nurses they came
Said "It's come back again"
I wasn't expecting that
Then you closed your eyes
You took my heart by surprise
I wasn't expecting that

Two-Thousand-and-Fifteen - in review:

Hillary's e-mail lies,
Jets downed like flies,
I wasn't expecting that!
Pistorius not out free,
Charlie Sheen with HIV,
I wasn't expecting that!

Mourinho, he got fired,
Yet Jeremy Corbyn, he got hired,
I wasn't expecting that!
That savage, Kim Jong-un, not shot,
The Volkswagen engine plot,
I wasn't expecting that!

The twisted Bill Cosby rumours,
That meat may cause one tumours,
I wasn't expecting that!
That Camila woman...Batmanwhatsit?
To the White House...Kanye West plots it,
Yo! I wasn't expecting that!

With two-thousand-and-fifteen, almost ended,
Each day, indeed I thought,
Wasn't it a voyage of surprise?
It's tough, no denying, yet it taught me.
It astonished me throughout,
I guess it widened my misty eyes,
But I wasn't expecting that.

The tedious Phil Collins is back :-(
Bruce Jenner showing us his rack,
Why, I wasn't expecting that!
"The Donald" in that stupid wig,
Cameron "violated a dead pig"?
Oh, David! I was NOT expecting that!

The swivel-eyed Soviet theories,
That Kansas won a World Series,
No doubt we weren't expecting that!
Getting a new-type Snickers,
Young Miley wearing knickers!
Wow, no WAY was I expecting that!

Tyres melt on the Eurostar track,
Anguish in Paris, the autumn attack,
Good god, I was not expecting that.
Untold money...out Athens we bail,
Seeing Kim K *yet again* in the Mail,
EVERY DAY you'd expect that!

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Nat King Cole

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe
Help to make the season bright
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really know how to fly

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas to you

(End of the ho-ho-hos)

(Key of F)
Rockets dropping down on Syria,
Shootings in Afghanistan,
Isil now meddling in Libya,
And we can't stem the Taliban.

Everybody knows those Russkis want to take Ukraine,
And Greece is in the fiscal mire,
Mad Mugabe continues to reign,
And Tony Blair is still a liar.

We know Kim Jong, the goon, is nuts,
He's only happy if he's slitting people's guts,
Across the world those hit-men slyly meet,
To plot evil deeds of terror in the streets.

Today, the doomy weather news from Sky
Says it looks like stormy days are due,
So, one final thing, then I'll say my goodbyes:
Happy Christmas to you!

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Bing Crosby

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know--
Where the treetops glisten and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write.
May your days be merry and bright,
And may all your Christmases be white.

The Donald (Demise in sight?)

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
But not in which there's any snow--
Where Islamic terrors, those bomb-vest-wearers,
Are blocked and told just where to go.

My thinking is this white system
Hereby'd repair security.
May illegals scurry in fright,
And may all Americans be white.

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A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plonked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister Cecily?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought it was today you saw your family.

"It was," sighed the nun. "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall you once telling me of that," the Mother Superior agreed . "So, did you not enjoy your day of recreation?"

"Enjoy it? Far from it," groaned the nun. "In fact, I actually took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"My goodness, Sister Cecily!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...believe me this hole is a monster, Mother, no joke. A 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life.

"The sweetest swing I've ever made... it was zooming straight, high and clean along the line I wanted... and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not a 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh dear!" commiserated the Mother. "How annoying! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme!"

"No, that wasn't it," agreed the nun. "While I was trying to fathom what had happened, a cheeky squirrel came out of the woods, grabbed my ball and took off down the fairway!"

"Ooh my, I imagine that would make anyone blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"I agree but, again, I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the nun. "I was so proud of myself!

"While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew away with my ball clutched between the animal's paws!"

"Oh, I see - that is when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"No, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, " the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel began struggling, and the hawk dropped it right on the green.

"The ball came flying out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the nun with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Two old friends, Stewart and Bill, were about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Hey, do you mind if I play with you?" he enquired, "my partner didn't turn up."

"No problem," they said, "you’d be very welcome."

"Thanks," replied the stranger, "my name's Wes by the way."

So they started playing and the two old friends quite enjoyed the game and the shared company of their newcomer.

About half-way round the course, at the 10th hole, Bill asked the stranger: "So, what do you do for a living, Wes?"

"I’m a hit man," was the reply.

"What? You're kidding!” they both responded.

"No, I'm not kidding," said the man, delving into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini 450/580 sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are the tools of my trade."

"Wow, that's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said Stewart, "D'you mind if I take a quick look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

The newcomer agreed, so Stewart picked up Wes's rifle and gazed through the sight in the direction of his property.

"Yes, I can see my house all right. Wow, this magnification's quite amazing, I can see right in through the window. Ha! I can even see my wife Barbara in the bedroom!

"Whoa, and she's naked...! Huh...? wait a darned minute, that's my neighbour Walter Hewitt with her... and he's mother-naked as well! The two-timing bastards!"

Stewart turned to the hit man and muttered in a low voice. “Right, how much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate for you - a thousand dollars for every time I pull that trigger," replied Wes.

"Can you do two for me now?"

“Sure," he said, "what do you want?”

"Right - first, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Next, that darned neighbour. Walt's supposed to be a friend of mine, so shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man nodded, then took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Well? Are you gonna do it then?" asked Stewart impatiently.

"Just be patient my friend," said Wes calmly... I think I may just be able to save you a grand here..."

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Excerpt from The Grinch's Theme Song

You're a real meany, Mr. Grinch
You're the king of sinful sots,
Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with
Moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch,
Your soul is an appalling dump heap
Overflowing with the most disgraceful
Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!

The Donald

You're the enemy, Mr. Trump
You're the toxic knave of spades,
If your mouth's a horrible-smelling manhole infected with
Galloping distemper, gross Mr. Grump,
Your long hair strands appall,
An orange tress combed up into a mindboggling hotchpotch mess
Hiss! Fuck off, pitbull WASP, we hate all your repugnant tirades!

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We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy Perfect Light

Born a King on Bethlehem's plain
Gold I bring to crown Him again
King forever, ceasing never
Over us all to reign


Frankincense to offer have I
Incense owns a Deity nigh
Prayer and praising, all men raising
Worship Him, God most high


Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes of life of gathering gloom
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb


Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Earth to heav'n replies



We three droids of 'Star Wars' fame:
See-Threepio's golden frame;
RTwo-DTwo, how do you do?
BB-Eight is its name.

O 'Star Wars' glitter, 'Star Wars' bright!
Watch us three with great delight!
Surely we are spec-tac-u-lar!
Get your kicks with us tonight!

Anthony Daniels in 'gold'-rigger,
Forlorn humanoid, larger, bigger;
Imagining, if reviving,
Running on, gaining in vigor.


An elfin Kenny Baker in me
(A proportional darling I agree!)
An astromech on a long trek
In an entertaining manner I'll flee!


In the Seventh Episode,
Spinning ball of life I rode.
I'm BB-Eight, doing fine, great;
I got a map, I'll ease one's load.


In billions, movie merchandise
Flooding the shelf, fluffy and nice,
A bunch of toys for girls and boys.
Go overlook the higher price!


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"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times,
it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the season of Light,
it was the season of Darkness,
it was the spring of hope, it was the season of despair."


It was the season of HBO,
it was 'Game of Thrones',
it was the show hordes adore,
it was the spoils of war,
it was destinies of kings,
it was the message of things,
it was a test of people's fitness,
it was the time of the sofa