901

DOWNTOWN
By
Petula Clark

When you're alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go downtown
When you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know, downtown

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares

So go downtown
Things will be great when you're downtown
No finer place for sure, downtown
Everything's waiting for you

Don't hang around and let your problems surround you
There are movie shows downtown
Maybe you know some little places to go to
Where they never close downtown

Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova
You'll be dancing with 'em too before the night is over
Happy again
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares

So go downtown
Where all the lights are bright, downtown
Waiting for you tonight, downtown
You're gonna be alright now, downtown

Downtown
Downtown
And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along
So maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares

So go downtown
Things will be great when you're downtown
Don't wait a minute more, downtown
Everything's waiting for you, downtown

Downtown
Downtown
Downtown
Downtown

DOWNTON - THE FINALE
A Eulogy - by
The Craggy Maggie and Arrogant Mary Fan Club

Now it's all over, Downton Abbey has ended
Everyone feels down, downcast.
What'll we do to cure our yearning now it has gone
Away for good? Don't ask :(

Yes, Poldark is returning but he's really not the same, it's
Writer Julian Fellowes he's the fellow that I blame, he's
Really unkind.
The nights will seem longer now,
I'll sit alone by the telly, a frown on my brow,

Without Downton,
Things won't be great without Downton
No nicer show for sure, Downton,
Our future is grey without you.

I could arrange to purchase every episode
On DVD, right now,
But, gee, when it's reruns you know you've seen before it's
Not the same somehow (less 'wow').

I yearn to know the future of each character I've followed,
If I can't get closure now it will seem really hollow,
Hollow and grey.
The nights will seem longer now,
I'll sit forlorn by the telly, a frown on my brow,

Without Downton
Things won't be great without Downton,
No nicer show for sure, Downton
There's just no joy without you, Downton

Downton
Downton
What happens to the Crawleys and to poor young Lady Edith?
Can she end up happy now she's found a guy to be with,
To guide her along?
Though, surely we need to know,
Even arrogant Mary, will her new marriage grow?

Come back Downton
And craggy Maggie Smith
Downton
You're truly too great to miss, Downton,
Gonna be glum without you, Downton

You're gone
Downton
You're gone
Downton
Downton

902

34 Hilariously Bad (i.e. Anal) Casual Pick Up Lines For The Foolhardy - Each Is GUARANTEED To Fail And Offend Any Woman (NSFW)

Use them at your own risk. Please do. I'd be ashamed to, but who knows, you might get lucky sometimes. Then again, you might not.

1. Hi, do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) Because I can see myself in your pants.

2. Let's go to my house and do the things I intend to tell everyone we did anyway.

3. I'd really like to use your thighs as earmuffs.

4. You are like a prize-winning fish. I don't know whether to eat you or to mount you.

5. Hi, honey, my name's ______. You had better memorize it because you'll be shouting it later on!

6. If you were a new burger at McDonalds, you would be McGorgeous.

7. You have been one bad, bad girl. Now go to my room.

8. I have moved you to the top of my to-do list.

9. I am not drunk, I am just intoxicated by you.

10. Hey, babe, you are everything I never knew I always wanted.

11. I hope you know CPR, honey, because you take my breath away.

12. Stare at a girl for at least twenty seconds, and when she notices for the second or third time, walk up to her and say, "Hey, I apologize for staring at you, but you look very much like a girl I should be dating."

13. I have good reason to believe that we were passionate lovers in a past life. So now shouldn't we two pick up where we left off?

14. Well, it is not my fault I fell in love. You are the one who tripped me.

15. Hey, smile. It is the second best thing you can do with your lips.

16. How is it that I have to climb a thousand mountains to get to you, but you only have to smile to get to me?

17. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but haven't I met you before?

18. Which is easier, love? You getting into those tight pants or me getting you out of them?

19. Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.

20. That is a really beautiful dress you have on tonight. Do you think you'll be able to wear it to work tomorrow?

21. Use your index finger to get someone over then say: I made you come with one pinkie, imagine what more I could do with my whole hand.

22. Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

23. Do you have some small change? I have to phone your mom and thank her.

24. Sorry, but you owe me a drink. (Why?) I looked at you and dropped mine.

25. I would buy my way into your heart if I thought it had a price.

26. Er, do you have any grapes, love? No? So, how about a date?

27. You can fall off a tall building or fall out of a tree, but baby, the best way to fall is in love with me.

28. You say, "I bet you $20 I can kiss you without using my lips." She says, "Bet's on." You kiss her then say, "I lost."

29. If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.

30. I was just sitting here holding my drink and I realized I would much rather be holding you.

31. What are you waiting for? I know you want to kiss me.

32. God gave us all two ears, two arms, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.

33. If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

34. Most people like to watch the Olympics, because they only happen once every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you, because the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime.

903

THE BAILOUT PACKAGE

It is a slow day in a little Irish town. The rain is hammering down and the streets are deserted. Times are hard, everybody is in debt, and everyone is living on credit.

On this particular day, a rich German tourist is driving through the town. He stops at the local hotel and lays a 100-euro note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he would like to inspect the upstairs rooms to select a quiet one to spend the night in.

The owner gives him all of the room keys and, as soon as the German has gone upstairs, he grabs the note and runs next door to pay off his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the hundred-euro note and scurries off to pay his bill at the feed and fuel merchants.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-operative takes the note and goes off to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican quietly slides the money along to the local prostitute, who is drinking at the bar. She is also facing extreme hardship and has had to offer him "special services" on credit.

The woman immediately goes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotelier with the 100-euro note.

The hotelier immediately places the note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the German tourist comes back down the stairs, picks up the note, says that the rooms are unsatisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and is looking to the future with renewed optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

THE STOLEN PACKAGE

The Mafia were about to appoint a new man to make regular collections from the private businesses that they were "protecting."

Feeling the heat from the police, they decide to employ a deaf and dumb person for this purpose so that, if he got caught and questioned, he would not be able to tell the police anything about the nature of his activities.

On his first week, the man collects over a 100-thousand dollars; but he gets greedy and decides to hold onto the extorted money, stash it in a safe place and then to vanish.

The Mafia bosses soon realise that their collection is late, and send two of their most vicious hoods to visit and interrogate the deaf and dumb collector.

The pair of hoods soon run the collector to ground and ask him where the money is. The man is unable to communicate with them, so they both drag him to a professional signing interpreter.

The first hood says to the interpreter, "Right, ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The dumb man signs back, "I do not know what you're talking about."

The interpreter says to the first hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a revolver and places it straight in the ear of the collector. "Now ask him again where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?

The quivering deaf and dumb man signs: "The $100K is hidden in a tree stump in Central Park exactly twenty paces north of the Alice in Wonderland statue."

"What did he say?" snarls the hood to the interpreter.

The interpreter replies: "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you'd have the balls to pull that trigger."

904

[William Carlos Williams' poem BLIZZARD is anagrammed into a similarly titled poem based on an actual news article about "a New Jersey mom and her 1-year-old son (who) died of carbon monoxide poisoning while keeping warm in a car as the dad cleared snow from around the vehicle." The name of the father and other additional details were sourced from this CNN article: The lives lost in the blizzard of 2016. The anagram has the acrostic constraint SASHA LYNN AND SON, the victims of the deadly CO poisoning.]

BLIZZARD
William Carlos Williams

Snow falls:
years of anger following
hours that float idly down --
the blizzard
drifts its weight
deeper and deeper for three days
or sixty years, eh? Then
the sun! a clutter of
yellow and blue flakes --
Hairy looking trees stand out
in long alleys
over a wild solitude.
The man turns and there --
his solitary track stretched out
upon the world.

BLIZZARD

Sasha Lynn Rosa, little Messiah,
And toddler Saniyah
Sat in the car with
Heater on.
As Felix knelt lower, solely dug his car out,
Life slipped by.
Yet it felt cold --
Now frightfully dark,
Now worldly lost.
A regretted frozen error
Numbs the total truth --
Deadly hazardous gas
Seeped into the loaded vehicle.
Our wistful Saniyah makes it.
Now sorrowful Winter is longer.

905

AGAINST ALL ODDS
Phil Collins

How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh --
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain --
And even shared the tears --
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now --
Well there's just an empty space,
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face.
Ooh, take a look at me now --
Well there's just an empty space,
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face...

AGAINST ALL ODDS
Powerball Ticket

How can you just ever walk away,
Just leave me here without a play?
When you stand here, the lane to check out, with me, hehe --
You're the lucky one who'll really match 'em all!

How can you just walk away from me?
Don't ya wanna see the winner's haul?
There's a billion dollars to redeem --
Don't even have to share --
You're the needy one who may really win it all!

So take a look at me now --
Just fill in each empty space.
Whenever another should win, tends to
Put a smile on that man's face.
Take a good look at me now --
Then just say a prayer for grace.
See, you getting jack with me is against the odds
And that's what you've got to face...

906

"Heroes" (song written and performed by David Bowie)

I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be Heroes, just for one day

And you, you can be mean
And I, I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we're lovers, and that is that

Though nothing, will keep us together
We could steal time,
just for one day
We can be Heroes, for ever and ever
What d'you say?

I, I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim
Though nothing,
nothing will keep us together
We can beat them, for ever and ever
Oh we can be Heroes,
just for one day

I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can be Heroes, just for one day
We can be us, just for one day

I, I can remember (I remember)
Standing, by the wall (by the wall)
And the guns shot above our heads
(over our heads)
And we kissed,
as though nothing could fall
(nothing could fall)
And the shame was on the other side
Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever
Then we could be Heroes,
just for one day

We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
We can be Heroes

We're nothing, and nothing will help us
Maybe we're lying,
then you better not stay
But we could be safer,
just for one day

Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh,
just for one day

"Migrants"

He, he's from the Levant
And we, we're from Iraq.
Nothing will drive us away
We've been headed for Europe, jihad's here to stay.
We can be Migrants, jihad's here to stay.

Our very best friend, Angela Merkel,
Let us all in
Because we're not Jewish, that's a fact.
We love jihad and we don't give a f*ck!

Religion will keep us colluded.
We will take over, rebel, effendi.
Jihad's needed today.
We can be lewd Migrants, we can be free.
The event's unwritten in the holy Bible.

Unfortunately a lot of us drown
Crossing the sea, the full boats go down.
Who cries, we beg you?
We're a stubborn cancer
Spreading to feeble Europe.
We can be Migrants.
Jihad vendetta uber alles!

He, he's Syrian
And we, we're from Iraq.
Nothing will drive us away.
We can be Migrants, jihad's here to stay!
We can beat the US, jihad's the way!

Levantines, we have no future, no future
In the Middle East.
We'll eventually subdue you,
Defy you, bomb you,
Knock you out,
Boobytrap you! Win! The end!

We could be Migrants
We could be Migrants
We can be Migrants OK!
We could be Migrants
Don't you see?
We could be Migrants OK!

Sprechen Sie Deutsch, neue Leute?
No funny dillydallying.
Nonending jihad's the way!
Why jihad could be here to stay.

Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-ohh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-ohh,
Oh-no-no-no, oh-no-no-no!
Migrants - they're here to stay!