The Special Category

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901

15 Dolly Parton quotes to live your life by:

"I look just like the girls next door ... If you happen to live next door to an amusement park."

"It's a good thing I was born a girl ... otherwise I'd be a drag queen."

Dolly on... her body

"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."

"If I see something saggin', baggin' or draggin', I'm gonna have it nipped, tucked or sucked!"

Dolly on... her assets

"I'm in showbiz. I look at my boobs like they're show horses or show dogs. You've got to keep ā€˜em groomed."

"These are my weapons of mass distraction."

"I don't think they age. My girls are doing pretty good."

Dolly on... make-up

"It costs a lot of money to look this cheap!"

"The only way I'd be caught without make-up is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between make-up at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue."

Dolly on... hair

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde."

"People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don't know, I'm never there."

"My own hair is so flat and fine. I could never make it do anything ā€” that's why I wear wigs. I think God gave me talent cos he screwed up my hair."

Dolly on... life

"It's hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world."

"My weaknesses have always been food and men - in that order."

"The magic is inside you. There ain't no crystal ball"

15 Elton John quotes to live life by:

"I forsook my highly prodigious knitting skills to be a singer/songwriter; yet, to this day, I still knit my own wigs."

"As Her Majesty said to me, 'I may be the Monarch but you, Elton, are the true queen of England'."

"Look, don't kowtow to me. My middle name may be Hercules but I'm not a god. A goddess? Ok, I'll take that."

Elton on... his body.

"My body's in good shape. Well, round's a shape isn't it?"

"I'm rather prone to gas. (I wrote 'Candle In The Wind.' after a romantic cabbage soup supper with David.")

"I have a life-sized portrait of myself naked. We keep it at home by the front door to deter housebreakers"

"I hate boxer shorts but I do look damned hot in my Y-Fronts."

Elton on... his assets

"I am proud of my man-boobs and have a deep rivalry with Simon Cowell as to who has the droopiest."

"I like to use a moisturising depilatory gel daily to keep my nether regions smooth and wrinkle-free. You won't get me having my testicles ironed like that bloody George Clooney, thank you."

Elton on... make-up

"David and I only row if he takes my eye-shadow; but we soon make up. Geddit??"

"When David and I put on the odd mud-pack together at bedtime, we mimic the Black and White minstrels and sing 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart!' to each other while we do the Gay Gordon. God, he looks hot in a Kiki Dee wig.

Elton on... hair.

"What hair?"

Elton on life:

"Life's not a bitch, it's a ball. Madonna's a bitch."

"David wants to write a book about my life. I keep telling him one Bible in existence is enough."


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902

LINES INDITED WITH ALL THE DEPRAVITY OF POVERTY
by Ogden Nash

One way to be very happy is to be very rich
For then you can buy orchids by the quire and bacon by the flitch.
And yet at the same time
People don't mind if you only tip them a dime,
Because it's very funny
But somehow if you're rich enough you can get away with spending water like money
While if you're not rich you can spend in one evening your salary for the year
And everybody will just stand around and jeer.
If you are rich you don't have to think twice about buying a judge or a horse,
Or a lower instead of an upper, or a new suit, or a divorce,
And you never have to say When,
And you can sleep every morning until nine or ten,
All of which
Explains why I should like very, very much to be very, very rich.

LINES RECITED WITH ALL THE MONOPOLY OF AFFLUENCE
by Donald Trump

One way to be very happy is to be very rich.
You like to view and give one away: A robotic Marco suffer a glitch.
Either the face of your unworthy enemy Ted
Turn dark red,
Or a Bush son and brother Jeb
Caught in his very own myopia web.
They'd get queasy, too, when you see and defend your neurosurgeon Ben
Say Hitler wouldn't have succeeded if people had guns then.
I buy anyone. Watch a very unhappy Ohio yo-yo John
And his yesterday stint on news TV done.
Or appreciate why an undaunted geriatric Vermont Bernie
Survived his tiring political journey.
Anyway, I love to maintain one fun femininity idea: Annoy your Hillary bitch!
Explains why I should like very, very much to be very, very rich.