901

Women and Men: the Gender Differences between Us.

WOMEN and MEN

ON NICKNAMES: If Laura, Poppy, Debra, Elloise and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Poppy, Debra, Elloise and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob, Stewart and Steve go out for lunch, they will like to refer to each other affectionately as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, Stewpot and Useless.

ON EATING OUT: Mike, Charlie, Bob, Stewart and Steve will each throw in twenty dollars, even though the bill is only twenty-two fifty. None of them ever have anything smaller, and none of them will admit they want or expect some change back. When the girls get their bill, out come their trusty pocket calculators.

ON MONEY: A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she does not want or even like. A man will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he does want.

ON BATHROOMS: The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is approximately three hundred and thirty seven. A man would not be able to identify most of these three hundred and thirty seven items. A man just has a mere six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, tooth paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a guest hand towel from the Sunshine Holiday Inn.

ON ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument, OK? Period. Anything a man speaks about after that is indisputedly, undeniably the beginning of a new argument(s).

ON CATS: Women love cats. Men, collectively, say that they love cats. But when women aren't there, men tend to kick them.

ON THE FUTURE: A woman will worry about the future till she gets herself a husband. But a man? He never worries about the future until he gets himself a wife.

ON SUCCESS: A successful man is one who'll make more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman therefore, is one that can find that very man.

ON MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man (a layabout?) expecting that he'll change. But no, he doesn't. A foolhardy man marries a woman, blithely expecting that she will not ... and she does.

ON DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to empty the bin, to read a book, to water a rose or rhododendron, go to shops, to visit a neighbor, to answer the telephone/door. Traditionally lazy, a man will maybe dress up appropriately for a boozy wedding, and inexorable funeral.

ON NATURE: Men wake up as good-looking, attractive as they went to bed. Women deteriorate during the night time.

ON OFFSPRING: A woman knows all about her children. She'll know about any vital dental/ health appointments, the dates of friends' birthdays, and healthy food they, children, enjoy. A man's only aware of little teetotal people living in the marital abode.

And FINALLY: Any married man will inevitably forget his odd boyish mistakes. No need for two people to remember the same thing, right?

902

Why you should not bank with Wells Fargo:

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau auditors assessed sales practices by Wells Fargo and affirmed that the too-big-to-fail bank had engaged repeatedly in the following rip-off deals:

* Opened unauthorized deposit accounts for existing customers and transferred funds to the accounts from their owners' accounts, without the customers' knowledge or consent.

* Generated applications for credit cards in the customer's name using information without his/her knowledge or consent.

* Enrolled a consumer in online banking services that he/she did not request.

* Ordered and activated debit cards using a consumer's information without his/her knowledge or consent.

See other abuse, illegalities or lawsuits:
* Appraisal Fraud
* Mortgage Fraud
* Illegal Fees
* Robosigning
* Mismanagement
* Student Loan Improprieties
* Wrongful Foreclosures
* Racial Profiling

Wells Fargo responded by testifying they fired more than five thousand for aforesaid improprieties. Yet, I have a feeling they probably fired the WRONG employees, eager obedient sheep who simply obeyed what was required of them, under high pressure, to meet impossible yearly sales quotas! Top-level managers should have been fired, along with one greedy profiteer, John Stumpf - a heel!

Remember, don't be foolish. Burglarproof your own money without delay!!

Some rules for proper stagecoach etiquette that were posted by Wells-Fargo and Company (from 'Deadwood Magazine'):

* Abstinence from liquor is requested, but if you must drink, share the bottle. To do otherwise makes you appear selfish and unneighborly.

* If ladies are present, gentlemen are urged to forego smoking cigars and pipes as the odor of same is repugnant to the Gentle Sex. Chewing tobacco is permitted but spit WITH the wind, not against it.

* Gentlemen must refrain from the use of rough language in the presence of ladies and children.

* Buffalo robes are provided for your comfort during cold weather. Hogging robes will not be tolerated and the offender will be made to ride with the driver.

* Don’t snore loudly while sleeping or use your fellow passenger’s shoulder for a pillow; he or she may not understand and friction may result.

* Firearms may be kept on your person for use in emergencies. Do not fire them for pleasure or shoot at wild animals as the sound riles the horses.

* In the event of runaway horses, remain calm. Leaping from the coach in panic will leave you injured, at the mercy of the elements, hostile Indians and hungry coyotes.

* Forbidden topics of discussion are stagecoach robberies and Indian uprisings.

* Gents guilty of unchivalrous behavior toward lady passengers will be put off the stage. It’s a long walk back. A word to the wise is sufficient.

903

POEM - A STRANGE WILD SONG
By
Lewis Carroll

He thought he saw an Elephant
That practised on a fife:
He looked again, and found it was
A letter from his wife.
'At length I realize,' he said,
'The bitterness of life! '

He thought he saw a Buffalo
Upon the chimney-piece:
He looked again, and found it was
His Sister's Husband's Niece.
'Unless you leave this house,' he said,
'I'll send for the police! '

He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
That questioned him in Greek:
He looked again, and found it was
The Middle of Next Week.
'The one thing I regret,' he said,
'Is that it cannot speak! '

He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk
Descending from the bus:
He looked again, and found it was
A Hippopotamus.
'If this should stay to dine,' he said,
'There won't be much for us! '

He thought he saw a Kangaroo
That worked a Coffee-mill:
He looked again, and found it was
A Vegetable-Pill.
'Were I to swallow this,' he said,
'I should be very ill! '

He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four
That stood beside his bed:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bear without a Head.
'Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing!
It's waiting to be fed! '

He thought he saw an Albatross
That fluttered round the lamp:
He looked again, and found it was
A Penny-Postage Stamp.
'You'd best be getting home,' he said:
'The nights are very damp! '

He thought he saw a Garden-Door
That opened with a key:
He looked again, and found it was
A Double Rule of Three:
'And all its mystery,' he said,
'Is clear as day to me! '

He thought he saw a Argument
That proved he was the Pope:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bar of Mottled Soap.
'A fact so dread,' he faintly said,
'Extinguishes all hope! '

PITIABLE TALES OF PIFFLE,
WAFFLE, A FIDDLE AND A NUDE


He thought he saw an eerie life-form
At large in Vermont,
He looked again to see that it
Was Donald Trump's bouffant.
'There's more hair on that head,' he said,
'Than any chap could want.'

He thought he saw the largest book
That anyone had seen.
He looked again to see it was the
EU rules on beans.
'At least when Brexit comes,' he said,
'Those beans'll be has-beans.'

He thought he saw a sheet upon a
Broomstick, standin' proud,
He looked again to see it was
Dead Hefner in a shroud.
'He laid a lot of gals,' he wailed,
'It shouldn't be allowed.'

He thought he saw a shark's face peeping
Through a glassy sea,
He looked again to find 'twas
Tony Blair back on TV,
'Ah, thank God it is him,' he quipped,
'I feared it was Cherie!'

He thought he saw a zipper
Lying cast-off on the ground,
He looked again to see Rod Stewart
With his trousers down.
'Do ya think I'm sexy?' Rod yelled,
'Is my bum too round?'

He thought he saw Dame Elton
Singin' 'Candle In The Wind',
He looked again to see it was
Peace-hating despot Kim,
Reciting Elton's 'Rocket Man',
How pitiful of him!

He thought he saw eleven muppets
Sittin' on a green,
He looked again and saw that it was
England's football team.
'With these failed, puffed-up oafs', he huffed,
'The World Cup's but a dream.'

He though he saw a fiddler,
A-fiddlin' on a roof,
He looked again to see fat
Gary Glitter in his youth
'I've always liked a fiddle,' said
Bad Gary (so uncouth!)

He thought he saw at Asda, Poplar,
A sight a tad rude.
He looked again to see it was
The vicar in the nude.
'That's odd,' he said, 'I thought he shopped
'At Sainsbury's in Bude!'

904

[Yrsa Daley-Ward's "bone", a poem about sexual abuse, is anagrammed into "boner," a poem supposedly by Harvey Weinstein, which incorporates the relevant titles of several films that the controversial movie mogul has been involved in. The line "The twenty 'Confessions of a Dangerous Mind'" in the poem speaks the truth. There are 20 film titles in the anagram. Count 'em.]

bone
by Yrsa Daley-Ward

From One
who says, “Don’t cry.
You’ll like it after a while.”

and Two who tells you thank-you
after the fact and can’t look at your face.

To Three who pays for your breakfast
and a cab home
and your mother’s rent.

To Four
who says,
“But you felt so good
I didn’t know how to stop.”

To Five who says giving your body
is tough
but something you do very well.

To Six
Who smells of tobacco
and says “Come on, I can feel that
you love this.”

To those who feel bad in the morning yes,
some feel bad in the morning

and sometimes they tell you
you want it
and sometimes you think that you do.

Thank heavens you’re resetting
ever
setting and
Resetting

How else do you sew up the tears?
How else can the body survive?

boner
by Harvey Weinstein

Sounds kinky
but our films are our story.
The twenty "Confessions
of a Dangerous Mind."

Why me? A smutty "Sicko"
and a wormy "Rogue"
at the doorway
to the naughty "School for Scoundrels."

The "Bad Santa,"
too "Addicted to Love."
"The Last of the High Kings,"
we're "Flirting with Disaster."

"She's So Lovely"
any way.
Took "The Human Stain"
to the skyway.

We can woo you,
"Beautiful Girls."
Even massage your tawny body.
"I Love You, I Love You Not," baby.

"Crossing the Line,"
we drop our wet robe
to show women
a fat hefty "Full Frontal."

"In Too Deep,"
"Burnt" by the hot
touchy "Scandal."

You, too. Me, too.
"She's All That"!
My money won't save me.

Doomed. Hated.
Into the grey.
Oh, do you feel
the "Aftershock"
of "Sex, Lies, and Videotape"?

905

[Fulke Greville's spooky Sonnet 100 is anagrammed into another Halloween sonnet with a fitting acrostic]

In night when colors all to black are cast,
Distinction lost, or gone down with the light;
The eye a watch to inward senses placed,
Not seeing, yet still having powers of sight,
Gives vain alarums to the inward sense,
Where fear stirred up with witty tyranny,
Confounds all powers, and thorough self-offense,
Doth forge and raise impossibility:
Such as in thick depriving darknesses,
Proper reflections of the error be,
And images of self-confusednesses,
Which hurt imaginations only see;
And from this nothing seen, tells news of devils,
Which but expressions be of inward evils.

[Fulke Greville]

How shocking is this legend of vile spirits
Awaiting us on boring, peaceful nights?
Pure terror strikes whenever we all hear it;
Poor little children weep in wordless fright -
Yet bigots, killers, creeps and despot kings
Have less of an effect on common sorts
And they all find those horrifying things
Less scary than some cobweb or a wart...
Life ceaselessly supplies us with this host
Of vicious villains, strong and unrefined;
Why twitch when we reflect on beasts and ghosts
Existing only in our nervous minds?
Each man, in the affairs of woe and dread,
Needs now to fear the living, not the dead.