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A BOX OF JOKES AND PUN STUFF
I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.
I was watching the London Marathon and I saw one runner dressed as an egg, another as a chicken. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'
I have a good pal whose name is Lewis Bloom. We call him 'Two Legs Lewis'. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.
If you dont know what Morris Dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up by chance at gay pride and just tried to style it out.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his girth from scoffing too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on a remote Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationery.
Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France result in Linoleum Blownapart?
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an aeroplane. The air stewardess looks at him and says, 'Sorry, I'm afraid only one carrion is allowed per passenger.'
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre says: 'Keep off the Grass.'
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's all a bit awkward...
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation
I'm sure that wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.
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A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are currently looking into it
If you jumped from a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
People who use selfie sticks need to take a proper, long look at themselves.
A kid's rubber-band pistol was confiscated in an arithmetic lesson because it was regarded as a weapon of maths disruption.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the roadside. She was arrested for littering.
I required a password eight characters long so I picked 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'.
Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hall. One remarked to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
The fortune-teller midget on the run from prison was a small medium at large.
In general, in a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In general, in feudalism it's your count that votes.
When the cannibals ate the church missionary, they got a genuine taste of religion.
Two fish swam into a concrete wall.
One turned to the other and said, 'Dam!'
An Eskimo sitting in a kayak got chilly so he lit a fire. The entire boat sank, proving to the distressed man that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
In essence, I'm not a super-muscly man. Never was. In truth, I'm weedy - the strongest thing about me is my password.
Jokes about white sugar are very rare. Jokes about brown sugar? Demerara.
When I was younger I'd felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then I was born.
Life is like a box of chocolates: it doesn't last long if you're fat.
Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it's also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.
"What's a couple?" I asked my mum. "Two or three," she announced.Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
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