The Special Category

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An optional explanation about the anagram in green, the subject is in black, the anagram is in red.

901



DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8

It started snowing. The first snow of the season, and the wife and I took our drinks and sat by the window watching the flakes drift down from heaven. It looked just like a Grandma Moses print.

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in many years and felt like a little boy again. I cleared both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow... such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a White Christmas. Snow at Christmas! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. Bob is a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 13

Snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to minus twenty F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

Twenty inches forecast. I sold my van and bought a 4x4. Bought snow tyres for the wife's car and two extra shovels. We stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's extravagant. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed, which I think was cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are much too icy to go anywhere. Today the electricity was off for four hours. We had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Yippee, the electricity's back on, but we had another fourteen inches of the stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around, about a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in mid-March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because thirteen more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till mid August. Took me forty minutes to get dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the loo. By the time I got undressed, and dressed again, I was just too tired. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I'm sure the asshole is lying.



December 23

Only two inches of snow again today. And it warmed up OK, to zero thankfully. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What? I don't think so! What is she exactly? Nuts? Batty? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's taking the p**s.

December 24

Bitter east wind ... and it bites! Six inches of snow fell today in total, but was packed so hard, like unworkable, by the snowplough, that I broke my shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that crazy son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplough, I'll straightaway drag the slob back through the snow by his hair, and batter him to death with my broken shovel. I know the snotty little cowboy hides around the corner, and waits for me to finish the backbreaking shoveling. Then, aggravatingly, charges by at breakneck speed, throwing dirty snow absolutely all over just where I've been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing traditional carols with her, and open our presents, but I wasn't actually officially available. Too busy watching and waiting for that damn snowplough.

December 25 - Christmas Day

Merry Christmas! Twenty more inches of the seasonal white stuff tonight - snowed in. The idea of backbreaking shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the damn snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a festive donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. Only I think actually SHE's a real idiot, and untrustworthy. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. We see sleet outside, and the wind direction turns to the worst. We wait. But why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea anyway, truly. She's really been awful, getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to a grotesque minus-thirty and the pipes froze. Plumber came; after fourteen unbelievable hours of waiting for him, he only charged me eighteen hundred dollars to replace four of my old pipes. Nice.

December 28

Warmed up to a healthy ABOVE minus-twenty. Wow. Still snowed in. The wife - BITCH! - is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

Ten more inches. Settling, too. Botheration. Bob says I have to watch out, to shovel the roof or we could see it cave in and create havoc. Fiddlesticks! Unthinkable. That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Honestly, how unworldly, how gullible does the dumb idiot think I am?

December 30

B****y roof caved in! Awkward. Awfully wet, draughty, you see. So I beat up the wayward snowplough driver. And now the little bugger is suing me for a rather costly million dollars or so. Not only for the beating I gave him, but also trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife, that face-ache basket case, stormed out last Wednesday. She went away to take refuge at her mother's residence. Right. Fine. So end our conflict. Nine good inches or more is predicted overnight I see.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. It's an end to my anxiety. No more of the endless shoveling I detest.

January 8

I feel good. Absolutely ecstatic! I love those little white pills they keep giving me to swallow. I am tied to the bed. Why???


902


How To Give a Cat a Pill

So, you get a cat for Christmas and, unfortunately, after the dining excesses of that festive season it gets sick. After the vet prescribes gigantic pills, here are detailed instructions for exactly what to do next.

* Pick the cat up and cradle it gently in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to its cheeks. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

* Retrieve pill from floor and cat from beneath sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process, while holding pill in right hand.

* Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

* Take another pill from foil wrapper while cradling cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

* Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from outside.

* Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

* Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and have curtains mended. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

* Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow into straw.


* Check label to make sure pills are not harmful to humans, while drinking glass filled with fruit juice to take awful taste away. Affix germicidal cream and Bandaid to spouse's forearm. Remove blood from carpet with stiff-bristled brush and pail filled with water and hydrogen peroxide.

* Retrieve hiding cat from flowerpot in neighbor's garden shed. Pull out another pill. Place cat in cupboard. Gently close door on neck, leaving just head showing. Force cat's mouth open with spoon, Flip pill into throat with elastic band.

* Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, while checking records for date of latest tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch one from bedroom.

* Phone Fire Department to retrieve cat out of tree across the road. Offer apologies to neighbor who ran into fence while not wanting to hit cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

* Try to outwit cat. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Try to find heavy multi-layer pruning gloves in garden shed. Firmly push pill in mouth, followed by large piece of raw fish. Hold head up and attempt to pour full liter of water down throat to wash down pill.

* After cursing argument, have glum spouse drive you to ER. Fill out forms, watch in pain, trying to remain respectful and smile, when doctor examines fingers, applies stitches to cuts, and retrieves pill fragments from eye. Call furniture store to order new dining room table.

* Lie and arrange for Animal Control to transfer willful cat to local shelter. Phone pet shop to ask if they have any hamsters.

Whew! Goodwill to all!


903

[A poem-to-poem anagram with this double acrostic constraint -- the last two letters in each line when read ddownwards read: DECEMBER YEAR'S END.]


DECEMBER

I pretend to love the cold
You have a point, I'm destroying my soul
I'm filled with despair
I pretend like I don't care
I feel every tear
I tell myself don't live in fear
Still I hear your voice telling me I will be "there"
Sometimes I want to disappear
My pain is near
My fire is inviting
I will grow my weakness each night
Don't underestimate my fight





CHRISTMAS

Mirth and cheer are timely, tipping my toddy;
Meet my spirited family, definitely full of glee.
Wife's milieu is one villa, then a visit to the Basilica;
Religion we do dare, I deliver her prayer.
We sing hymns for our million Tiny Tims,
Letting in the devotee we skeptics like to be.
Peace to all men, we aver 'Amen.'
Piety wasn't ignored, our divine Lord.


904


DECK THE HALLS
By
Nat King Cole

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Troll the ancient Yule-tide carol
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

See the blazing Yule before us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Strike the harp and join the chorus
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
While I tell of Yuletide treasure
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Fast away the old year passes
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Hail the new year, lads and lasses
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Sing we joyous, all together
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Heedless of the wind and weather
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la



ODE TO A FUTURE FOE
Topical hit by Kate Middleton

Decorate the halls with sparkle
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Harry's just wed Meghan Markle
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
I'll get a cool sister-in-law
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
I feel we'll get on for sure
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

We'll be joyful, dainty, royal
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Share Di's jewellery and be loyal
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
We'll be neighbours, what a wheeze
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
She is funny, such a tease
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Inherently, she is too headstrong
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Oh, I hope she does not stay long
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
We are total chalk and cheese
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
She'll usurp the dynasty!
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la


905


Hello!

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD
By the famous/influential trumpeter, composer and vocalist, Louis Daniel Armstrong.

"I see trees of green, red roses too.
I see them bloom for me and you.
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

"I see skies of blue and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night.
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

"The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people going by.
I see friends shaking hands saying, how do you do.
They're really saying, I love you.

"I hear babies crying, I watch them grow.
They'll learn much more than I’ll never know.
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world."

So bad (and ironic)… bye now!



WHAT A WOEFUL WORLD
By George N. Missailidis

"I see lands of doom, red faces too.
I see them bloom in war made anew.
And I think to myself what a woeful world.

"I see towns of grey and folk of fright.
The dark, tortured day, as dark as the night.
And I think to myself what one woeful world.

"The people of the countries, so wrong I only cry,
Are all so diabolic to which good must die.
I see fiends holding heads saying, there is no God.
They’re really saying, I hate you.

"I hear no improvement, what shall be done?
They'll see the skies but never the sun.
And I think to myself what a woeful world.
Yes I think to myself what a black, woeful world."

Chubby bent con man (i.e. Donald Trump) scorns? Please no envy/fury. No FBI? Run!

Snow? Brrrrrrrr, oh... really cold.


906


AWAY IN A MANGER
A Traditional Carol

Away in a manger
No crib for a bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down His sweet head

The stars in the bright sky
Look down where He lay
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep on the hay

The cattle are lowing
The Baby awakes
But little Lord Jesus
No crying He makes

I love Thee, Lord Jesus
Look down from the sky
And stay by my side
'Til morning is nigh

Be near me, Lord Jesus
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me, I pray

Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to Heaven
To live with Thee there



MY REAL WORTH

*My keen Christmas wish here is
To help all I meet,
Share joy and goodwill
As I walk down the street.

To give my time freely
And ask not for pay,
And cherish that duty
Every minute, each day.

To reward the jobless,
Even though I am broke,
And hide noble deeds
With a shrug or a joke.

To seek to be jolly,
Decent, godly, serene,
And toil restlessly,
Bear these said tasks unseen.

To buy all the beers
When I go to a bar,
The landlord at the inn
Will think I am a star.

I'll carry a banner,
Reading 'Jesus Is Love',
(*If I win the lottery,
Cancel all the above).


907


The Snow Man.*

One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;

And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,

Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

*(which was selected from bard Wallace Stevens's first book of modernist poetry {i.e. "Harmonium"})


The Fun 'n' Fuddled Anagram Man.
By teen Simeon G.
Stint's intended for Snafu, DB, TC 'n' the other legends.

Anagrams might sabotage
Sentences, words 'n' idioms;
Sing english 'n' speak tricks!

Their specialty will stretch
Through speech so wordy or not,
It does not count if strange, rotten filth can be written!

Christ might be who's behind it.
What's the proof? Some have no idea,
But others may soon believe it. Win-win?

We see phenomenons ever often in a word,
Lost in what we read as we feed on diverted info
(Last to flirt, with the sound of it)!

Ah, shout hallelujah so we define definition!
Hello, sonnet of just a mutant mouthful.

Tada!*

*("Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!")


And here's the snowman with a hat? :D

The Fun 'n' Fuddled Anagram Man.
By teen Simeon G.
Stint's intended for Snafu, DB, TC 'n' the other legends.

Anagrams might sabotage
Sentences, words 'n' idioms;
Sing english 'n' speak tricks!

Their specialty will stretch
Through speech so wordy or not,
It does not count if strange, rotten filth can be written!

Christ might be who's behind it.
What's the proof? Some have no idea,
But others may soon believe it. Win-win?

We see phenomenons ever often in a word,
Lost in what we read as we feed on diverted info
(Last to flirt, with the sound of it)!

Ah, shout hallelujah so we define definition!
Hello, sonnet of just a mutant mouthful.

Tada!*

*("Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!")


908

[A Christmas message with a hidden constraint]


My Jolly, Jolly Christmas Wish

I'd like a stocking made for a giant,
And a meeting house full of toys.
Then I'd go out in a happy hunt,
For the poor little girls and boys;
Up the street and down the street,
And across and over the town.
I'd search and find them everyone,
Before the sun went down.

Wishing a Merry Christmas to all!
Much love, from Santa Claus




Marijuanagrams styled on enhanced cannabis, not velvety drugs

I'd frighten every silly word,
Or spur them all in joy 'n' gold;
For then my amateurishness
Will slowly ache as I unfold
To grow bananas at these trees,
When that is such a stupid term
To speak of, okey, pardon me.
I need one doctor, I confirm!

That hot, hot, hot stuff!
Mad weed, chill tonight

[if you highlight all the a's in the poem to get one big A for Anagram]

Marijuanagrams styled on enhanced cannabis, not velvety drugs

I'd frighten every silly word,
Or spur them all in joy 'n' gold;
For then my amateurishness
Will slowly ache as I unfold
To grow bananas at these trees,
When that is such a stupid term
To speak of, okey, pardon me.
I need one doctor, I confirm!

That hot, hot, hot stuff!
Mad weed, chill tonight


909

[Coleridge's poem for Christmas is anagrammed into 12 poems about 12 moments in an entire lifetime (each in a different month of the year); the anagram also contains a visual constraint for New Year's Eve, displayed below it]



A Christmas Carol
Written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge


I

The shepherds went their hasty way,
And found the lowly stable-shed
Where the Virgin-Mother lay:
And now they checked their eager tread,
For to the Babe, that at her bosom clung,
A Mother's song the Virgin-Mother sung.

II

They told her how a glorious light,
Streaming from a heavenly throng.
Around them shone, suspending night!
While sweeter than a mother's song,
Blest Angels heralded the Savior's birth,
Glory to God on high! and Peace on Earth.

III

She listened to the tale divine,
And closer still the Babe she pressed:
And while she cried, the Babe is mine!
The milk rushed faster to her breast:
Joy rose within her, like a summer's morn;
Peace, Peace on Earth! the Prince of Peace is born.

IV

Thou Mother of the Prince of Peace,
Poor, simple, and of low estate!
That strife should vanish, battle cease,
O why should this thy soul elate?
Sweet Music's loudest note, the Poet's story,
Didst thou ne'er love to hear of fame and glory?

V

And is not War a youthful king,
A stately Hero clad in mail?
Beneath his footsteps laurels spring;
Him Earth's majestic monarchs hail
Their friends, their playmate! and his bold bright eye
Compels the maiden's love-confessing sigh.

VI

Tell this in some more courtly scene,
To maids and youths in robes of state!
I am a woman poor and mean,
And wherefore is my soul elate.
War is a ruffian, all with guilt defiled,
That from the aged father's tears his child!

VII

A murderous fiend, by fiends adored,
He kills the sire and starves the son;
The husband kills, and from her board
Steals all his widow's toil had won;
Plunders God's world of beauty; rends away
All safety from the night, all comfort from the day.

VIII

Then wisely is my soul elate,
That strife should vanish, battle cease:
I'm poor and of low estate,
The Mother of the Prince of Peace.
Joy rises in me, like a summer's morn:
Peace, Peace on Earth! The Prince of Peace is born!










January

My mother holds me tight
To shield me from the chill
When early Winter light
Shines on the window sill.
An orchid in her arms,
I'll be all safe from harm.

February

As heathers gently sway,
I get my minor wish:
To go out for a day
With dad to net a fish.
That bay with haddock rife
I will adore for life.

March

The iris of her eye;
Her hair that's semi-dense;
Her laughter and her sigh -
They baffle every sense...
Such is the nature of
The first, and final, love.

April

I stand here in a heath
And see her heading down
Amid begonia wreaths,
Dressed in a classic gown.
The ornamental doves
Elucidate my love.

May

As lilies scent the air,
Our baby loves to thrash
In big-boy clothes and chair,
His bib now stained with mash,
His rattle echoing
The messengers of Spring.

June

Herbs, blooms and greens are dead
And taint the garden view;
Above my blistered head,
The sun comes shining through.
My bluebells sadly prove
That Summer made its move.

July

The daisies line the gate
Of his new school of art;
The little boy came late -
It was too hard to part.
We madly try to mend
A bond about to end.

August

The thistle-thorns of gloom
Do nettle as I stroll
Through his near-empty room -
He's off to reach his goals.
No noise to haunt the halls;
We are alone this Fall.

September

A second tour of France
Shows love could prosper still -
The forces of romance
Healed us like super-pills.
The asters near the Seine
Restore my soul again.

October

I'm chuffed to proudly pat
These cheeks, so plump and cute!
No rose is red like that;
It's godsent, simply put:
If our mood's spent or poor,
A grandson is the cure.

November

Here - in this private place
On one enchanted hill -
I load her graveside vase
With dainty daffodils.
Each time I stop to weep
It cuts, the pain too deep.

December

I shiver with a smirk
And watch when they are shot:
The decent fireworks
Fall like forget-me-nots.
I'll meet her soon at last...
The time for prayers has passed.

[The minor poetical constraint is that each poem also mentions a different flower. But the visual one appears once all of the b's (blue) and p's (pink) inside the poems are colored accordingly and the poems are then animated - which allows us to end the year with a tiny bit of fireworks :)]