901

[A poem-to-poem anagram that contains 2 topical acrostic constraints]

JANUARY
By John Shea

With numbing cold, biting at my brittle bones
I feel many years giving me a wake up shake
Gripping my coat through the more gripping cold
I feel the world has grown old.

January I cried for my Mom the first time
She probably cried and then smiled for my tears
She surely is yet smiling for my thoughts through these years

For the tears that she shed were at giving me birth
January is the warmest time on earth

JANUARY

From great big thoughts, I 'Imagine' them all,
Inspired by the John Lennon Wall I see.
Remember the January in Prague – they did
Sing 'War Is Over' by him, a worthy gift for me.

These 'Strawberry Fields Forever' films begin;
Might destroy his memory up my tree.
Our John did scribble that in dusty Spain;
Nightly sketches that change with glee.

Thanks for the year, my Anagrammy pals so dear;
Hope it comes through – with great music, too!

[The constraints:
The first is that the first letters of each line form an acrostic, which reads FIRST MONTH.
The second one requires a little translation. "January in Prague" and "scribble that in dusty Spain." point to the fact the last letters of each line form the words LEDEN and ENERO which are JANUARY in Czech and Spanish, respectively]

JANUARY

From great big thoughts, I 'Imagine' them alL,
Inspired by the John Lennon Wall I seE.
Remember the January in Prague – they diD
Sing 'War Is Over' by him, a worthy gift for mE.
These 'Strawberry Fields Forever' films begiN;
Might destroy his memory up my treE.
Our John did scribble that in dusty SpaiN;
Nightly sketches that change with gleE.
Thanks for the year, my Anagrammy pals so deaR;
Hope it comes through – with great music, toO!

902

Groundhog Day

Deemed an important film, culturally,
That old movie, the inspiring comedy,
The one which Buddhists love,
Is the fictional tale of
A weatherman portrayed by actor Bill Murray.

This single weatherman, Phil, has been sent
To cover a Groundhog Day event.
He's very difficult to please,
And that's because he's
Such an arrogant and cynical gent!

There's a blizzard and Phil's forced to stay
In Punxsutawney for one more day.
He awakens, but something is wrong;
He hears Sonny and Cher's song -
"I Got You Babe" is what he hears play.

It's the same song from the morning before
When he woke up at six and walked out the door.
He steps out into the street,
And things repeat and repeat.
This is something he can't ignore.

He's stuck in a time loop, when
Every morning he hears "I Got You Babe," then
The man, once so vain,
Begins to go completely insane,
As Groundhog Day comes again and again!

When he understands there won't be
Any punishment whatsoever when he
Does anything wrong,
It isn't too long
Before Phil behaves most crazily!

He drives recklessly and binges on beer,
Since tomorrow will never be here;
He drives on tracks and off a steep cliff,
Which he wouldn't do if
He hadn't lost all fear.

There's a shy attractive newswoman Phil wants to know,
He keeps conversing with her every day, so
He can remember how to get her to adore
Him every day more and more,
For, nonetheless, his affection for her continues to grow.

Over perplexing, yet creative, efforts to win Rita's heart,
He gains an enthusiastic appreciation of art,
French poetry, and learns to play
Piano scales much better each day.
With attention shown to hapless townsfolks' lives, he plays a meaningful part.

Seven glum sunless years have come and gone, and by year eight,
He has become enlightened, but how will it cancel his bizarre fate?
By recognizing all the neighbors' needs?
Bent on doing compassionate deeds,
In Rita's eyes, he becomes thoughtful, handsome, and great!

It's another Groundhog Day, and Phil has suddenly learned
That the modern clock's glowing numbers must have turned!
Through the great power of
A simpler, unconditional love,
At length, a fresh day has somehow been earned!

An old song "I Got You, Babe" might annoy Phil next to his head,
But it's not Groundhog Day this sunny dawn; instead,
He wakes thankful to find
He's no longer in such a bind
With his beloved Rita beside him in the warm cozy bed!

903

[William Stanley Merwin's poem IT IS MARCH is anagrammed into another poem based on a true story from 2017 about French President Emmanuel Macron posting a literary piece in response to a 13-year-old British schoolgirl’s poem about the Eiffel Tower titled CENTRE OF ATTRACTION. Aside from the anagram sharing that same title, it also contains a phrase ("lacy skirt") and the last line ("She is second to none.") from her said poem. The anagram containing two constraints (one obvious, the other not) is my tribute to Gustav's masterpiece which was dedicated to the city of Paris on March 31, 1889. The said day is the clue to where the 2 acrostics are located. The 3rd and 1st letters of each line when read downwards spell out EIFFEL TOWER, PARIS FRANCE. ]

IT IS MARCH
by William Stanley Merwin

It is March and black dust falls out of the books
Soon I will be gone
The tall spirit who lodged here has
Left already
On the avenues the colorless thread lies under
Old prices

When you look back there is always the past
Even when it has vanished
But when you look forward
With your dirty knuckles and the wingless
Bird on your shoulder
What can you write

The bitterness is still rising in the old mines
The fist is coming out of the egg
The thermometers out of the mouths of the corpses

At a certain height
The tails of the kites for a moment are
Covered with footsteps

Whatever I have to do has not yet begun

CENTRE OF ATTENTION

President Macron, he, likewise skillful, writes a poem of thoughtful memories to
A little girl named Sophie who was
Reflecting on the emotions she vividly got. But
Infatuated with the "lacy skirt" the maiden had, she shares her withheld thoughts,
"She is second to none." Somehow
Filled with wonder, she looks at the symbol's shadow as it touches the sky.

Returning to the books of Cocteau, Cendrars,
Apolinaire, Aragon, and like a
New song of sublime virtuosity by Charles Trenet, he
Cherishes every word that the little visitor wrote down; but
Europe and the mistrustful BBC have a busy day foolishly asking, "He really wrote that?"

[The day Gustav's masterpiece was dedicated to the city is the clue to where the 2 acrostics are located. The 3rd and 1st letters of each line when read downwards spell out EIFFEL TOWER, PARIS FRANCE. ]

CENTRE OF ATTENTION

/PrEsident Macron, he, likewise skillful, writes a poem of thoughtful memories to
/A lIttle girl named Sophie who was
/ReFlecting on the emotions she vividly got. But
/InFatuated with the "lacy skirt" the maiden had, she shares her withheld thoughts,
"ShE is second to none." Somehow
/FiLled with wonder, she looks at the symbol's shadow as it touches the sky.

/ReTurning to the books of Cocteau, Cendrars,
/ApOlinaire, Aragon, and like a
/NeW song of sublime virtuosity by Charles Trenet, he
/ChErishes every word that the little visitor wrote down; but
/EuRope and the mistrustful BBC have a busy day foolishly asking, "He really wrote that?"

904

[E. Pauline Johnson's poem 'Fire-Flowers' about the aftermath of a devastating fire is anagrammed into another poem about the effects of a recent such fire, which also contains a couple of relevant constraints:]

and only where the forest fires have sped,
scorching relentlessly the cool north lands,
a sweet wild flower lifts its purple head,
and, like some gentle spirit sorrow-fed,
it hides the scars with almost human hands.

and only to the heart that knows of grief,
of desolating fire, of human pain,
there comes some purifying sweet belief,
some fellow-feeling beautiful, if brief.
and life revives, and blossoms once again.

[The relevant acrostic 'alteration' is hand-drawn since it serves a second function when written horizontally; This is in fact an ambigram (anagram's visual cousin) which, when turned upside-down, elucidates the poem's subject:]

=

905

[Dickinson's poem is anagrammed into a sonnet with a similar theme about the inspiration of Spring birds with a couple of relevant constraints detailed below it:]

I have a Bird in spring
Which for myself doth sing-
The spring decoys.
And as the summer nears-
And as the Rose appears,
Robin is gone.

Yet do I not repine
Knowing that Bird of mine
Though flown-
Learneth beyond the sea
Melody new for me
And will return.

Fast in a safer hand
Held in a truer Land
Are mine-
And though they now depart,
Tell I my doubting heart
They're thine.

In a serener Bright,
In a more golden light
I see
Each little doubt and fear,
Each little discord here
Removed.

Then will I not repine,
Knowing that Bird of mine
Though flown
Shall in a distant tree
Bright melody for me
Return.

[Emily Dickinson]

The Ode On How That Bird May Aid

Spring mirth can be a feast for every sense
On morning walks, in really early light:
Northeastern air, with odors bald and dense;
Glad dahlias in a row, their hue too bright.
But no mere dandelion mattered here -
I'll only truly note that group of fliers
Refining notes with levity and cheer,
Debuting artfully one winged desire.
And when I wait there for my sun to climb,
The din enrobing me in stellar surges,
Deep pondering can find another rhyme
And I can heed the poem that emerges;
When hiking in the fields did not inspire,
No mob's more helpful than that makeshift choir.


[In addition to the sonnet bearing the acrostic 'Songbird At Dawn', I've also hidden 10 songbirds with lovely voices inside it (which are Canary, Lark, Towhee, Oriole, Wren, Robin, Finch, Vireo, Tit & Thrush), in a way that spells out the month this poem celebrates:]

906

MASTERPIECE
Recorded by Madonna

If you were the Mona Lisa
You'd be hanging in the Louvre
Everyone would come to see you
You'd be impossible to move
It seems to me that's what you are
A rare and priceless work of art
Stay behind your velvet rope
But I will not renounce all hope

And I'm right by your side
Like a thief in the night
I stand in front of the masterpiece
And I can't tell you why
It hurts so much
To be in love with the masterpiece
'Cause after all
Nothing's indestructible

From the moment I first saw you
All the darkness turned to light
An impressionistic painting
Tiny particles of light
It seem to me is what you're like
The "look but please don't touch me" type
And honestly it can't be fun
To always be the chosen one

And I'm right by your side
Like a thief in the night
I stand in front of the masterpiece
And I can't tell you why
It hurts so much
To be in love with a masterpiece
'Cause after all
Nothing's indestructible
Nothing's indestructible
Nothing's indestructible
Nothing's indestructible

And I'm right by your side
Like a thief in the night
I stand in front of the masterpiece
And I can't tell you why
It hurts so much
To be in love with a masterpiece

And I'm right by your side
Like a thief in the night
I stand in front of the masterpiece
And I can't tell you why
It hurts so much
To be in love with a masterpiece
'Cause after all
Nothing's indestructible
'Cause after all
Nothing's indestructible

BRUNETTE IN A BIKINI
By
Vincent

I saw her by the main pool
At our local swimming baths,
In the tiniest bikini,
And though we'd never crossed paths,
I thought: 'She is the one for me!'
Yet I am nearly seventy,
A frightful thing, but I must say,
I couldn't tear my eyes away.

She intently came towards me,
Looking hot in her two-piece
Slinkily, hypnotically,
Like a sultry feline beast,
Then, in a tone that turned me red,
She truculently said:
'Did you get an eyeful, chubby guy?'
'Uh? I'm innocent!' I cried.

I went on: 'The female body,
Is of interest to me,
'Cos I'm one iconic artist,
And one big celebrity.
My name is Vincent Ruben Bland,
I'm huge in the Netherlands.'
'Hi, Vince,' she tittered, 'I'm Denise,
I love an oily masterpiece!'

She uttered, 'Hey, can I come round
Tomorrow night, maybe?
To see your latest masterpiece?'
I stuttered: 'Er... suits me,'
Though I can't paint for toffees,
I said, 'I'll perc us some coffees,
Or put some bubbly on ice?'
'Perfect,' she said, 'that sounds nice.'
*
I got a length of plaster board,
Bought lots of tins of paint,
Then chucked the lot all over it,
And with no self-restraint,
I put that board down on the floor,
Then I rolled on it in the raw.
That night when she came to call,
I had it hung up on the wall.

She cried out: 'That's a masterpiece!
It's reminiscent of the sea,
With distant, moonlit flying gulls,
Such utter intuition, such ability!'
Gulls? I looked at it and there
I saw three silver pubic hairs!
I said: 'I try to put a part
Of me in every work of art.'

907

[John Brehm's FOURTH OF JULY is anagrammed into another poem titled BIRTHRIGHT containing three constraints.]

FOURTH OF JULY
By John Brehm

Freedom is a rocket,
isn’t it, bursting
orgasmically over
parkloads of hot
dog devouring
human beings
or into the cities
of our enemies
without whom we
would surely
kill ourselves
though they are
ourselves and
America I see now
is the soldier
who said I saw
something
burning on my
chest and tried
to brush it off with
my right hand
but my arm
wasn’t there—
America is no
other than this
moment, the
burning ribcage,
the hand gone
that might have
put it out, the skies
afire with our history.

BIRTHRIGHT

Riots mirror her vivid thoughts;
Eight hours objecting to the behemoth.
Dove and hawk, brothers working together,
We dare to put our religion in
Harm's way. Tomorrow
I'd leave if I can diminish this
Thorny immature untruth. Time to move him out,
End idiocies at the monolith. Moonlighting Bobby,
A Tucson officer, arrests us.
No matter what, we shame him to
Do unreal stuff, we must
Barf inside his car. The
Lull passes though. When can
Us Kaelebs and Yousefs journey freely, like using
E-tags on a Sydney highway?

[The acrostic constraints RED WHITE AND BLUE. THE AMERICAN FLAG and STARS AND STRIPES are located in the 1st, 4th and 5th letters respectively because 14 is for June 14 which is Flag Day, 15 is for the 15 Stars and 15 Stripes on the American Flag from May 1, 1795 to July 3, 1818. This is the only period in the entire 244-year history of the American Flag that it contained 15 Stripes. Otherwise, it has always been 13 Stripes representing the thirteen British colonies that declared independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain, and became the first states in the U.S.]

BIRTHRIGHT

RioTS mirror her vivid thoughts;
EigHT hours objecting to the behemoth.
DovE And hawk, brothers working together,
We dARe to put our religion in
HarM'S way. Tomorrow
I'd lEAve if I can diminish this
ThoRNy immature untruth. Time to move him out,
End IDiocies at the monolith. Moonlighting Bobby,
A TuCSon officer, arrests us.
No mATter what, we shame him to
Do uNReal stuff, we must
BarF Inside his car. The
LulL Passes though. When can
Us KAElebs and Yousefs journey freely, like using
E-taGS on a Sydney highway?

908

THE REFLEX
By
Duran Duran

You've gone too far this time
And I'm dancing on the valentine
I tell you somebody's fooling around
With my chances on the danger line
I'll cross that bridge when I find it
Another day
To make my stand, oh oh
High time is no time for deciding
If I should find a helping hand, oh oh

Why don't you use it?
Try not to bruise it?
Buy time don't lose it

Why don't you use it?
Try not to bruise it?
Buy time don't lose it

The reflex is a lonely child
Who's waiting by the park
The reflex is a door to finding
Treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover
Isn't that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does
Leaves you answered with a question mark

I'm on a ride and I want to get off
But they won't slow down the round-about
I sold the radio and TV set
Don't want to be around when this gets out

So why don't you use it?
Try not to bruise it?
Buy time don't lose it

Why don't you use it?
Try not to bruise it?
Buy time don't lose it

The reflex is a lonely child
Who's waiting in the park
The reflex is a door to finding
Treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover
Isn't that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does
Leaves you answered with a question mark

So why don't you use it?
Try not to bruise it?
Buy time don't loose it

Why don't you use it?
Try not to bruise it?
Buy time don't lose it

The reflex is a lonely child
Who's waiting by the park
The reflex is a door to finding
Treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover
Isn't that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does
Leaves you answered with a question mark

Oh the reflex what a game
He's hiding all the cards
The reflex is in charge of finding
Treasure in the dark

THE BLOODY REFLUX
A Song by Art Burn

"Boy, you've gone too far this time,"
I told myself after I'd dined,
"That dodgy vindaloo was too darned hot,
And you drank too much strong, red wine.
Soon you'll be in trouble when you lie
Down in your bed,
That horrid gurgling will start,
Then in your belly something will ignite
Then set fire to your heart, oh, no no nooo!"

Doh, why'd I do it?
I vindaloo'd it,
I knew I'd rue it.

Oh, Holy Father,
What a palaver,
It's molten lava!

The reflux hits me every day,
It visits in the night.
I take six Seltzers every time yet
They never, never set me right.
Nor Gaviscon, nor Rennies, nor
Other set remedies,
Yet, once that fiery reflux strikes,
Any thoughts of dozing soon take flight.

I visited an acupuncturist,
The trendy needle treatment to try,
But when I lay down on the table,
I felt the dreaded reflux rise.

It's costin' big bucks,
This soddin' reflux,
Yet I've had no luck.

I do not get it,
I'm eatin' tidbits,
But still it won't quit!

The reflux is a lonely thing,
When it is two a.m.
You're sittin' in bed wide awake,
And in a really horrid way, then
You think an ice-cold beer may be the
Thing to quell the inner burn,
But, oddly, it doesn't douse the fire,
It only makes it start again!

Reflux, I can't excuse you
I did not choose you
I yearn to lose you!

I'm very worried,
I feel so horrid,
It's very torrid,

When Kate Bush wrote that Wuthering Heights
She knew a thing or two,
She droned of 'Bad dreams in the night'
And all that they can do,
It was not Cathy who was causin'
Heathcliffe's discontent,
'Twas the bloody reflux I'm quite sure,
That made the poor sod so uptight.

When I was young I used to
Talk of sex etcetera,
Now I talk of my reflux,
Isn't that bizarre?

909

[For Halloween, Dickinson's morbid poem is anagrammed into a sonnet about haunted house decorations with a fitting acrostic and another, more sinister constraint:]

Emily Dickinson's "I felt a Funeral, in my Brain"

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading - treading - till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through -

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum -
Kept beating - beating - till I thought
My mind was going numb -

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space - began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race,
Wrecked, solitary, here -

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down -
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing - then -

My Shiny New Haunted Mansion

Heed every mini-gag I crammed in here!
A cauldron that I stir, with gunk and mud,
Live bats that soar and one hound lurking near,
Lewd lanterns and that bone pile set in blood,
One leaky body bag with my dead wife,
Wraiths that'll rise from tombs and tend to scorch,
Expired pig-brain and a grand, mean knife,
Eggs painted like wee skulls and one neat torch,
Nice innards and a lab like Frankenstein's,
Peeled grapes I label 'eyeballs' in that bowl,
A rat-man figure with a broken spine,
Rank heads that moan and an indecent troll...
The guest who's not engaged so far, beware:
You lived a gentle life. Time for a scare.

[Other than the acrostic, a cursed number of 13 demon names from world mythology and folklore - and then Satan himself - can also be found anagrammed in each of the sonnet's 14 lines:]

My Shiny New Haunted Mansion

Heed every mini-gag I crammed in here!
A cauldron that I stir, with gunk and mud,
Live bats that soar and one hound lurking near,
Lewd lanterns and that bone pile set in blood,
One leaky body bag with my dead wife,
Wraiths that'll rise from tombs and tend to scorch,
Expired pig-brain and a grand, mean knife,
Eggs painted like wee skulls and one neat torch,
Nice innards and a lab like Frankenstein's,
Peeled grapes I label 'eyeballs' in that bowl,
A rat-man figure with a broken spine,
Rank heads that moan and an indecent troll...
The guest who's not engaged so far, beware:
You lived a gentle life. Time for a scare.

[Mini-gag = Gamigin, a horse-like Goetic demon;
I stir = Sitri, a demon prince and fallen angel;
That soar = Astaroth, the great duke of Hell;
Pile set = Pelesit, a Malay grasshopper demon;
Leaky = Leyak, a Bali sorceror-demon;
Rise = Seir, a Goetic hell-prince;
A grand = Rangda, the demon queen of Leyaks;
Torch = Chort (AKA Bies), a Slavic demon;
A lab = Baal, one of the kings of Hell;
I label = Belial, a demon in Jewish & Christian folklore;
Rat-man = Namtar, a Death demon in Mesopotamian mythology;
Moan = Amon (AKA Aamon), the Grand Marquis of Hell;
So far = Foras (AKA Forcas), a president of Hell;
Lived = Devil.]

910

Two aliens landed in a US desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling human. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, did not reply.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response, but the older alien murmured: "Hmm, I'd just simmer down a moment if I were you, buddy."

The immovable young alien ignored the warning and repeated his introduction.

Once more, there came no reply.

Annoyed at the pump's decidedly haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said huffily, "We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"

Once more, the older alien cautioned his fiery comrade saying, "You probably shouldn't provoke him! I think it will make him really mad."

"Rubbish!” objected the hotheaded young alien. With that, he aimed his weapon and opened fire...

'Boom!' There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball shot towards them and blew the young alien off his feet right into a cactus patch.

A half-hour passed. When he finally came to, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked numbly at the older alien who was standing over him shaking his massive, green head.

"What an extremely vicious creature!" exclaimed the young alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know that he could be so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "My boy, the main thing I have learned from my intergalactic travels is that you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

911

THE THINGS THEY SAY AT CHRISTMAS... and what they really mean.

They say:

1. "Darling, your Nativity Play was an absolute triumph. I am so proud."

2. "I think I will probably give the work do a swerve this year."

3. "Do pop round to ours anytime won't you."

4. "So what are your plans for Christmas?" and "Are you all ready for Christmas?"

5. "What is this TV channel we are watching now?"

6. "Town was a complete nightmare. The shops were totally jammed."

7. "Well done, kids. The Christmas tree looks wonderful, it's gorgeous."

8. "Secret Santa is just a bit of fun."

9. "A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you and yours."

10. "Of course! The more the merrier."

11. "I’ve kept the receipt, just in case."

12. "Christmas television is just a load of rubbish and repeats."

13. "That is so kind and thoughtful of you. It's exactly what I wanted."

14. "This mulled wine is delicious."

15. "Shall we play a board game, like Scrabble, for example?"

16. "I don’t actually own a Christmas jumper but I thought this would be closest."

17. "Christmas is about the children really, isn’t it?"

18. "We rang the doorbell but you were out."

19. "You look festive."

20. "I couldn’t eat another thing."

21. "Happy holidays!"

22. "Father Christmas has been!"

23. "Lunch might be a little later than planned."

24. "Where’s your Christmas spirit?"

25. "Have a good one."

26. "I’m hoping for a White Christmas. It’s so kinda magical."

27. "Of course we are going to church. We feel it is important at this time of year."

28. "That is perfect, thank you. Looks delicious."

29. "Look what they got me!"

30. "I’ve got an upset tummy from all the rich food."

31. "I thought I might go out now for a little walk."

They mean:

1. "I spent the whole shambolic production seething that you weren't a lead. Also I couldn't tell which sheep you were."

2. "I'm still on a warning for last year's."

3. "Text first so that we can come up with an excuse."

4. "I can't think of what to say. Hurry, just keep the answer brief. I'm not actually interested."

5. "I hate it when you're in charge of the remote."

6. "I went to the pub."

7. "It's a mess. I'll re-do it."

8. "We fear being called sad killjoys if we stop."

9. "I don't recall your names."

10. "Please stay away."

11. "If you don't love it I'll be jolly upset."

12. "I am psychologically superior to you."

13. "I hate it."

14. "It's too hot. I feel sluggish; my teeth...furry."

15. "Shall we have a furious row?"

16. "It's mad. I'd rather open a vein than wear that."

17. "Can't stand the little horrors; thrash the rascals, I say."

18. "We couldn't be arsed to ring the bell, so we have left your parcel somewhere to get wet, or stolen."

19. "You look drunk."

20. "Right, I might just manage a scrumptious sandwich, fresh from the plate."

21. "I work for a US firm." Or, "I'm paralysed by PC."

22. "It's 6.0 a.m!"

23. "The bird won't cook. I'm frustrated, harassed, having a breakdown."

24. "I'm a kidult who's enthusiastic, mad about Christmas Day ahead!"

25. "I don't know who you are."

26. "A sham. Heavy snow's such a pain. Harsh; a hardship. I'm just trying to sound romantic."

27. "I don't want to go to the Church mass, but Mum'll simply be hysterical."

28. "Too many sprouts, but have to be polite."

29. "You think of something good, charitable to say. I can't."

30. "I'm groggy. I have an upset tum from hard drink."

31. "If I have to stay cooped up with ghastly, charmless, ragtag relatives, I will kill. Sorry."