901

CHANGES AT THE NORTH POLE ORGANIZATION

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to look for many more competitive steps. The following economy measures, effective immediately, are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a useful plastic hanging plant, thus providing considerable welcome savings in maintenance.

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy which is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions must be eliminated forthwith.

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French... don't we?

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis must be undertaken immediately to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long that they may have talked to them.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on merely one commodity could have negative implications for many institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order.

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can just no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be okay, a good one.

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a figure chosen in better times; too extravagant, too dear. The function is primarily decorative. Excellent biodegradable mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained, belatedly, to learn new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement.

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny too. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The belligerent and hotheaded maids concerned do consider this a dead-end job, even hell, with no recognizable upward mobility. Total automation of the process therefore will permit them independently to try at a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching livelihoods.

9) Nine ladies dancing: that has always been illogically an odd number. This function will be phased out totally as these hot-footed individuals collectively grow older and they can no longer do the elaborate choreographed steps.

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping: that is effectively overkill. The high cost of the elite Lords, plus the expense of international air travel too, prompted the Committee to suggest replacing this ineffective group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be sacrificed, the savings effected are significant as we confidently expect to see an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

11,12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band effectively getting too big. A substitution with a cool string quartet, a cutback too on new tunes, and no uniforms, will therefore produce a saving - a lot - which will drop right to the bottom line.

A memo from Corporate: Have a Merry and a Happy one everybody while you can.

HO-HO-HO!

902

[An anagram of a Shakespeare sonnet into a letter to Abraham Lincoln's biographer William Henry Herndon containing many events in his life. The anagram has a few constraints - revealed later. Note: The anagram refers to John Wilkes Booth as "stage actor" and "kirk" which refers to the funerals that took place after wars relating to slavery]

Sonnet One Hundred and Thirty,
My Mistress' Eyes Are Nothing Like The Sun
(Written by bard, playwright and idol, William Shakespeare)

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

////////////////////////////H E R N

////Dear William Henry Herndon,
////Here Are My Rhymes!
////(By keen kid, Simeon G)

////Affected by his ma’s death at age nine;
////Bitterness towards his pa’s remissness;
////Rising up when America will never shine;
H///Abe had sought ourselves to be works in progress./////////H
E///Hell with wars destroyed ‘n destroyed — O, the slaves! —//E
R///As truths that we were long from understanding////////////R
N///Must have past because when the horrid kirk graves////////N
////Lay so beneath be it I lark outside, panting.
////In his end, he will die, as if he had yet been shot!
////No freedoms as it sees that we eyed to falter:
////Crime, murder or risky assassination plot
////Of our stage actor can lose, as hatred and haters
////Like him mean, whiny, smirky as! Why hmm...
////Ne'er like them, I wish; bark; weep; rhyme.

////////////////////////////H E R N


[Now for the less obvious constraints. First, the 'gram has an acronym of Abraham Lincoln's name.]



////////////////////////////H E R N

////Dear William Henry Herndon,
////Here Are My Rhymes!
////(By keen kid, Simeon G)

////Affected by his ma’s death at age nine;
////Bitterness towards his pa’s remissness;
////Rising up when America will never shine;
H///Abe had sought ourselves to be works in progress./////////H
E///Hell with wars destroyed ‘n destroyed — O, the slaves! —//E
R///As truths that we were long from understanding////////////R
N///Must have past because when the horrid kirk graves////////N
////Lay so beneath be it I lark outside, panting.
////In his end, he will die, as if he had yet been shot!
////No freedoms as it sees that we eyed to falter.
////Crime, murder or risky assassination plot
////Of our stage actor can lose, as hatred and haters
////Like him: a mean, whiny, smirky man! Why hmm...
////Ne'er like them, I wish; bark; weep; rhyme.

////////////////////////////H E R N

[Second, we have all the words in here that are from a quote of Abraham Lincoln: "America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." (You can find that quote here {fourth one on the list}.) Let us highlight those words.
And the last constraint, connecting the first letters of every word from Abe's quote (highlighted in red) then you can make a hat -- an iconic symbol of Abraham Lincoln]


////////////////////////////H E R N

////Dear William Henry Herndon,
////Here Are My Rhymes!
////(By keen kid, Simeon G)

////Affected by his ma’s death at age nine;
////Bitterness towards his pa’s remissness;
////Rising up when America will never shine;
H///Abe had sought ourselves to be works in progress./////////H
E///Hell with wars destroyed ‘n destroyed — O, the slaves! —//E
R///As truths that we were long from understanding////////////R
N///Must have past because when the horrid kirk graves////////N
////Lay so beneath be it I lark outside, panting.
////In his end, he will die, as if he had yet been shot!
////No freedoms as it sees that we eyed to falter.
////Crime, murder or risky assassination plot
////Of our stage actor can lose, as hatred and haters
////Like him: a mean, whiny, smirky man! Why hmm...
////Ne'er like them, I wish; bark; weep; rhyme.

////////////////////////////H E R N

903

[Anagram of a poem into another, with hidden constraints]

A Cradle Song
Written by the famous William Butler Yeats

The angels are stooping
Above your bed.
They weary of trooping
With the whimpering dead.

God's laughing in Heaven
To see you so good;
The Sailing Seven
Are gay with his mood.

I sigh that kiss you,
For I must own
That I shall miss you
When you have grown.

(A wonderful literary poem!)

A Huge, Gutsy Breakthrough via That Love
By happy (gay) guy, Mr. Simeon Galavar

Alone in a corner
I pity them.
To feel beyond torture
Is but to all mayhem.

He was telling no-one
His good is here;
He hid, undone,
Pain as in fear!

So, wise, the Master
Did my heart strong,
As of disasters
Is love lifelong.

'Tis God wishing you youth & huge wit!
Wow, wow, wow!


[Constraints: Title and second last sentence has exactly seven words (The Sailing 7; "&" not included) and the highlighted words are a quote from William Yeats himself (here]


A Huge, Gutsy Breakthrough via That Love
By happy (gay) guy, Mr. Simeon Galavar

Alone in a corner
I pity them.
To feel beyond torture
Is but to all mayhem.

He was telling no-one
His good is here;
He hid, undone,
Pain as in fear!

So, wise, the Master
Did my heart strong,
As of disasters
Is love lifelong.

'Tis God wishing you youth & huge wit!
Wow, wow, wow!

904

[A poem-to-poem anagram that contains 2 topical acrostic constraints]

JANUARY
By John Shea

With numbing cold, biting at my brittle bones
I feel many years giving me a wake up shake
Gripping my coat through the more gripping cold
I feel the world has grown old.

January I cried for my Mom the first time
She probably cried and then smiled for my tears
She surely is yet smiling for my thoughts through these years

For the tears that she shed were at giving me birth
January is the warmest time on earth

JANUARY

From great big thoughts, I 'Imagine' them all,
Inspired by the John Lennon Wall I see.
Remember the January in Prague – they did
Sing 'War Is Over' by him, a worthy gift for me.

These 'Strawberry Fields Forever' films begin;
Might destroy his memory up my tree.
Our John did scribble that in dusty Spain;
Nightly sketches that change with glee.

Thanks for the year, my Anagrammy pals so dear;
Hope it comes through – with great music, too!

[The constraints:
The first is that the first letters of each line form an acrostic, which reads FIRST MONTH.
The second one requires a little translation. "January in Prague" and "scribble that in dusty Spain." point to the fact the last letters of each line form the words LEDEN and ENERO which are JANUARY in Czech and Spanish, respectively]

JANUARY

From great big thoughts, I 'Imagine' them alL,
Inspired by the John Lennon Wall I seE.
Remember the January in Prague – they diD
Sing 'War Is Over' by him, a worthy gift for mE.
These 'Strawberry Fields Forever' films begiN;
Might destroy his memory up my treE.
Our John did scribble that in dusty SpaiN;
Nightly sketches that change with gleE.
Thanks for the year, my Anagrammy pals so deaR;
Hope it comes through – with great music, toO!

905

[A brief poem anagrammed into another with some hidden constraints]

A Lady's Brief Poem

I always know when I'm in love.
Like trees a desert lends.
I thought I saw you twice today.
Of course it always ends.

Fatigued Widow's Blue Weekday

Life can stop, you not awake?
O, loss is essentially
Vile and sorrow, it with heartache.
End my misery.

[Constraints: An apposite four-letter acronym formed of the first letters of the four lines and a Christian cross formed by the position of all the letters s when in a monotype font]

Fatigued Widow's Blue Weekday

Life can stop, you not awake?
O, loss is essentially
Vile and sorrow, it with heartache.
End my misery.

[Finally, if you highlight every letter in the anagram's title with a gap of two spaces (spaces including characters), then you can find a related anagram.]

Fatigued Widow's Blue Weekday

Life can stop, you not awake?
O, loss is essentially
Vile and sorrow, it with heartache.
End my misery.

FieWoslea = A life's woe.

906

RING RING
Abba

I was sitting by the phone
I was waiting all alone
Baby by myself I sit and wait and wonder about you
It's a dark and dreary night
Seems like nothing's going right
Won't you tell me honey how can I go on here without you?

Yes I'm down and feeling blue
And I don't know what to do, oh-oh

Ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?
Ring, ring, the happiest sound of them all
Ring, ring, I stare at the phone on the wall
And I sit all alone impatiently
Won't you please understand the need in me
So, ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?
So, ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?

You were here and now you're gone
Hey did I do something wrong?
I just can't believe that I could be so badly mistaken
Was it me or was it you?
Tell me, are we really through?
Won't you hear me cry and you will know that my heart is breaking

Please forgive and then forget
Or maybe darling better yet, oh-oh

Ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?
Ring, ring, the happiest sound of them all
Ring, ring, I stare at the phone on the wall
And I sit all alone impatiently
Won't you please understand the need in me
So, ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?
So, ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?
Oh-oh, ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?
So, ring, ring, why don't you give me a call?

HEY, HONEY I DON'T WANNA GO
(Ditty by a prisoner to a wife).

I'm impounded in this cell,
Which you would say is hell,
But things really are all right, not as tough as they appear.
Now the Government's agreed,
That we gaolbirds have our needs,
And daily they're doin' things to make it less rigid here.

Suddenly our dreams have come true!
And at last we get our dues, yeah-yeah!

Ring, ding, I've got a phone in my cell,
Ring, ding, I got a new TV as well,
Ring, ding, it's like a five-star hotel,
When I go to bed and lights are low,
There's an After Eight mint on my pillow,
So, ring, ring, I'm takin' calls in my cell!
Yes, ring, ring, I got a cell in my cell.

Everything's sure lookin' up,
They say I'll soon own a pup!
And, honey, you won't believe just what I'm gonna tell you!
Now I'm sure I heard it right,
That to keep us warm at night,
We can now share our bed with a woman (or guy) all night through!

And now I've got my own door key,
How much better could life be? yo-ho

Ring, ring, why don't you give me a bell?
Ring, ring, I got a phone in my cell.
Ring, ring, honey I'm doin' real well,
Yet I'm due for parole one day in May,
But I don't want to go, I wanna stay,
So ring, ring, tell 'em I don't wanna go,
Yeah-yeah, ring, ring, tell 'em I don't wanna go,
Honeybaby I don't wanna go,
Honeybaby I don't wanna go.
(fadeout)

907

Leo the lion was drinking from a stream with his bottom in the air, just as Coco, a baboon, was passing by.

From the baboon's viewpoint, the lion looked like Leonora (a lioness who had a certain reputation for loose morals) so the cheeky monkey crept up noiselessly from behind, with a view to enjoying a bit of slap and tickle with her.

On feeling Coco's sudden touch, the startled lion let out an almighty roar and turned around. Immediately realising his mistake, the monkey took off like a bat out of hell, dashing goggle-eyed, through the dense jungle with the furious lion in hot pursuit.

The lion was gaining on Coco by the second, and the monkey was just resigning himself to the possibility of a gruesome death at the paws of his assassin, when he suddenly came across a hunter's camp.

Without further ado, he whizzed into the camp, donned a safari suit and, whipped on a pith helmet. Then he threw himself into a chair, grabbed a copy of The Times and hid behind it as though he was reading.

The lion bounded into the clearing and screeched to a halt. As soon as the dust had settled, he asked, "Hey man, have you by any chance seen a baboon come past here?"

"What baboon is that?" replied Coco; "it wasn't the one that goosed that lion down by the stream, was it?"

"Oh hell," groaned the lion, "don't tell me it's in the newspapers already."

A man started a new job at a zoo and was given three tasks to carry out.

First task was to clear the ornamental fish pool of weeds.

As he was doing this, an enormous fish jumped out and bit him on the finger.

As a lesson to the other fish, the man beat it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer would not be too impressed, he disposed of the poor fish by feeding it to the lions as, luckily, lions'll eat anything.

During the second job of clearing out the monkey house, he was attacked by two feisty chimps pelting him in unison with coconuts.

In retaliation, the man laid into them with a spade, killing both.

Panicking, he thought, 'Me oh my, what can I do? Of course! I'll feed them to the lions, as lions eat anything.'

So he hurled their corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to his final job, which was to collect honey from the South American bee colony.

As soon as he began, uproar ensued as he was attacked and stung by the angry bees.

Raging in pain, he grabbed the spade and smashed the bees to a horrible pulp.

By now he knew what to do and chucked them into the lion cage - because lions'll eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrived at the zoo.

He wandered up to another lion and said 'Good morning; what is the food like here?'

"Absolutely delicious," remarked the other lion. "Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees!"

908

Uptown Funk
by Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson

This hit, that ice cold
Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold
This one for them hood girls
Them good girls straight masterpieces
Stylin', wilin', livin' it up in the city
Got Chucks on with Saint Laurent
Gotta kiss myself, I'm so pretty

I'm too hot (hot damn)
Called a police and a fireman
I'm too hot (hot damn)
Make a dragon wanna retire man
I'm too hot (hot damn)
Say my name you know who I am
I'm too hot (hot damn)
And my band 'bout that money, break it down

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you
Saturday night and we in the spot
Don't believe me just watch (come on)
Don't believe me just watch uh
Don't believe me just watch
Don't believe me just watch
Don't believe me just watch
Don't believe me just watch
Hey, hey, hey, oh

Stop, wait a minute
Fill my cup, put some liquor in it
Take a sip, sign a check
Julio, get the stretch
Ride to Harlem, Hollywood
Jackson, Mississippi
If we show up, we gon' show out
Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy

I'm too hot (hot damn)
Called a police and a fireman
I'm too hot (hot damn)
Make a dragon wanna retire man
I'm too hot (hot damn)
Bitch say my name you know who I am
I'm too hot (hot damn)
Am I bad 'bout that money
Break it down

Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
Girls hit your hallelujah (whoo)
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you
Saturday night and we in the spot
Don't believe me just watch (come on)
Don't believe me just watch uh
Don't believe me just watch uh
Don't believe me just watch uh
Don't believe me just watch
Don't believe me just watch

Hey, hey, hey, oh
Before we leave
Lemmi tell y'all a lil' something
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up uh
I said uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up

Come on, dance, jump on it
If you sexy then flaunt it
If you freaky then own it
Don't brag about it, come show me
Come on, dance
Jump on it
If you sexy then flaunt it
Well it's Saturday night and we in the spot

Don't believe me just watch come on!
Don't believe me just watch uh
Don't believe me just watch uh
Don't believe me just watch uh
Don't believe me just watch
Don't believe me just watch
Hey, hey, hey, oh

Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up (say what?)
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up (say what?)
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up (say what?)
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up
Uptown funk you up (say what?)
Uptown funk you up

'Shutdown Fuck'
by The Donald

(the usual pseudonym of U.S. President Donald John Trump...an offensive, petulant popinjay, a jumped-up juvenile nincompoop with unusually low intelligence):

In Washington, lights out,
Covfefe up in the White House,
Keep taco-munchers out of the US!
(Listen up to the pompous shitgibbon!)
We just furloughed off,
Every union worker in the city,
I've got Schumer on the ropes,
I think naughty Nancy's kinda pretty!

Pelosi, man...wow, hot stuff! Stunning huh? I think that I may just have to have me a bit of kinky congress humping it! (Joke!)

I'm too hot (damn funky!)
Won't pay the Law, won't pay no fireman.
I'm a "ten"! A fly guy without doubt!
Make that wall, up high, man!
I'm too hot (dodge 'Nam!)
In more hot water than El Niño.
Soy demasiado candente
- We be hotter than a jalapeno!

Just break them Democrats down!
Hit out your hallelujah (whoo!)
Hit out your hallelujah (whoo!)
Hit out your hallelujah (whoo!)
My Shutdown Fuck gon' give it to you,
My Shutdown Fuck gon' give it to you,
My Shutdown Fuck gon' give it to you,
You won't believe me? Just watch!

You won't believe me? Just watch!
You won't believe me? Just watch!
You won't believe me? Just watch!
Keep up!

I'm too hot (hot damn!)
My vivid yellow toupeé on fire, man!
I'm hot (pink ham!)
My funky pants, like a pyre, man!
I'm hot (like a yuge unhealthy deep-pan!)
My taut Y-Fronts, dey bunchin'!
I'm too hot (wham bam!)
Melania be punchin'!

Hit out your hallelujah (whoo!)
Hit out your hallelujah (whoo!)
Hit out your hallelujah (whoo!)
My Shutdown fuck, gon' sock it to you,
My Shutdown fuck, gon' sock it to you,
My Shutdown fuck, gon' sock it to you,
Lookout!

Wake up, you conniving, sombrero-wearing lousy punks!
Wake up! Tijuana Brass time!

Walk out from sunny Puebla,
Guadalajara, or Durango...
But not even one human caravan gettin' in,
Not on my watch...stopped by Mr Tango!
Imma keep the Mexican multitudes out,
I'm the POTUS! You watch my mouth!
Like my johnson, or Stormy Daniels' puppies,
- Headin' off down south!

Hey, Julio! Out, out, out!
It's in the pipeline, no joke at all.
High as my Trump penthouse in Manhattan,
Imma put me up that unfunded wall!

Won't believe it people, just watch!
Won't believe it people, just watch!
Won't believe it people, just watch!
Won't believe it people, just watch!
(Now up on Twitter).

Shutdown fuck you up,
Shutdown, we fuck you up.
Shutdown fuck you up,
Shutdown, we fuck you up.
Shutdown fuck you up,
Shutdown, we fuck you up.
Shutdown fuck you up,
Shutdown, we fuck you up.

We out uptown, we out downtown,
I'm just a buffoon in a bouffant wig.
I've a punchable orange-hue pumpkin face,
But won't give a funkin' frig.
Mexico, they'll put my wall up,
A fine monument to us to build.
But don't forget, YOU pay for it!
Don't want the country with mosques filled!
("What!!!! But wait!!! Whaddya mean they're devout CHRISTIANS?")

909

Groundhog Day

Deemed an important film, culturally,
That old movie, the inspiring comedy,
The one which Buddhists love,
Is the fictional tale of
A weatherman portrayed by actor Bill Murray.

This single weatherman, Phil, has been sent
To cover a Groundhog Day event.
He's very difficult to please,
And that's because he's
Such an arrogant and cynical gent!

There's a blizzard and Phil's forced to stay
In Punxsutawney for one more day.
He awakens, but something is wrong;
He hears Sonny and Cher's song -
"I Got You Babe" is what he hears play.

It's the same song from the morning before
When he woke up at six and walked out the door.
He steps out into the street,
And things repeat and repeat.
This is something he can't ignore.

He's stuck in a time loop, when
Every morning he hears "I Got You Babe," then
The man, once so vain,
Begins to go completely insane,
As Groundhog Day comes again and again!

When he understands there won't be
Any punishment whatsoever when he
Does anything wrong,
It isn't too long
Before Phil behaves most crazily!

He drives recklessly and binges on beer,
Since tomorrow will never be here;
He drives on tracks and off a steep cliff,
Which he wouldn't do if
He hadn't lost all fear.

There's a shy attractive newswoman Phil wants to know,
He keeps conversing with her every day, so
He can remember how to get her to adore
Him every day more and more,
For, nonetheless, his affection for her continues to grow.

Over perplexing, yet creative, efforts to win Rita's heart,
He gains an enthusiastic appreciation of art,
French poetry, and learns to play
Piano scales much better each day.
With attention shown to hapless townsfolks' lives, he plays a meaningful part.

Seven glum sunless years have come and gone, and by year eight,
He has become enlightened, but how will it cancel his bizarre fate?
By recognizing all the neighbors' needs?
Bent on doing compassionate deeds,
In Rita's eyes, he becomes thoughtful, handsome, and great!

It's another Groundhog Day, and Phil has suddenly learned
That the modern clock's glowing numbers must have turned!
Through the great power of
A simpler, unconditional love,
At length, a fresh day has somehow been earned!

An old song "I Got You, Babe" might annoy Phil next to his head,
But it's not Groundhog Day this sunny dawn; instead,
He wakes thankful to find
He's no longer in such a bind
With his beloved Rita beside him in the warm cozy bed!